GOP denies women access to abortion, contraceptives and ASPIRIN with new "Kill the Pill Bill"
by Michael R. Burch
the Kill the Pill Bill
shills on Capitol Hill
by Theologians of State;
no woman's allowed
in that Holy Crowd;
since eve's ancient hex
they must pay for their sex!
—Michael R. Burch
Having done its damndest to limit women’s access to the Pill, due to the
alpha male assumption that not having to worry about becoming pregnant
American women into “sluts,” “prostitutes” and “feminazis” (to borrow a few
polite terms from that oracle of wisdom and tolerance, Rush Limbaugh), the Grand
Old Party has now set its sights on preventing women from using more mundane
medicines, like aspirin.
While this may seem completely and utterly ridiculous at first glance, it
actually makes perfect sense to Republican theocrats like Rick Santorum, the
author of the new "Kill the Pill Bill." After
all, if it’s clearly wrong to defy God’s will that women become pregnant as
often as possible, then it is also obviously wrong to defy his will that they
suffer as much as possible. The Bible clearly says that women’s labor pains are
the express will of God, so how can Bible-believing doctors and nurses be
required to give women aspirin, epidurals and other pain relievers?
If God wants women to suffer the most excruciating pains imaginable, then by
God the GOP’s evangelicals are duty-bound to make that happen!
Freedom of religion as interpreted by conservative Christians demands that
doctors with religious beliefs be allowed to deny women access to abortions and
contraceptives, so of course freedom of religion also demands that doctors who
believe the Bible should be allowed to deny women access to pain relievers. And while
they’re at it, they should also be able to either murder or sexually enslave
female patients who have been raped, since this was the express commandment of the great
Hebrew prophet Moses, in Deuteronomy 22. Hell, they should even be able to sell
their own daughters as sex slaves, with the option to buy them back if they
don’t “please” their new masters—also the commandment of Moses in Exodus 21.
It all makes perfect sense, once we understand God’s perspective on the
fairer sex: that they are fair game. This latest Republican attack on women is
the only possible logical conclusion of alpha males reading and furiously
believing an infallible holy text that treats women like chattels and "spoils"
of war (language actually used in the Bible in Deuteronomy 20, Judges 5 and
Zechariah 14). If Yahweh wanted “men of God” like Moses, Joshua, Caleb and King David to either slaughter
or enslave women (isn’t it curious that He kept changing his mind—something
infallible beings don’t usually do?), then obviously He has it out for women,
probably because He’s still pissed off at Eve for eating the "forbidden fruit."
Whatever happened to the Biblical injunction to not let the sun go down on one's
anger, I wonder?
God's antipathy for Eve and her daughters explains the wild antipathy “men of God” have had for women,
through the ages. Why were women burned at the stake by "men of God"? Because
according to Genesis, women are the original root of all evil. The oldest
profession was not prostitution, but seduction, as Eve seduced Adam to disobey
Yahweh didn’t say that men have to suffer, but only to sweat when they work,
so the GOP will continue to allow men to use pain relievers. (Male chauvinists
are amazingly good at locating and believing Bible verses that only affect
women, homosexuals and people of other religions.) So there you have it. The
minute Rick Santorum is sworn into office, you can expect him to sign
legislation that denies women access to abortions, contraceptives and aspirin.
Then they can remain continuously barefoot and pregnant until menopause, and
suffer time and time again during childbirth as the loving, wise, just Yahweh
Now you may think that I’m pulling your leg, and perhaps I am, but this
really is the way Republicans seem to “think” these days. First, they find a
Bible verse that appeals to them. (Never one of the good verses about the rich
helping the poor, or men like themselves avoiding hypocrisy.) Then they
“believe” in the verse furiously until it hurts—not only their tiny, impaired
brains, but the whole planet. Thus, “be fruitful and multiply” becomes “breed
mindlessly like rabbits and never use contraceptives because only God is allowed
to determine when babies will be born.” The religion-addled theocrats can never question their
a priori assumption that the Bible is infallible, because if the Bible isn’t
infallible, we all have to fall back on listening to our hearts and using our
powers of reason. The truly puzzling thing is why they keep choosing to believe
in the worst possible verses.