The HyperTexts

The Best Religious Jokes

These are the best religious jokes I have been able to find about Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, Protestants, Catholics, Evangelicals, Baptists, Southern Baptists, Methodists, Presbyterians, Episcopalians, Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, Seventh Day Adventists, Quakers, Lutherans, Unitarians, Universalists, Nazarenes, Zionists, et al.

compiled and edited by Michael R. Burch, a "recovering fundamentalist"

A Sunday school teacher asked her children, "Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
A little girl replied, "Because so many people are sleeping!"

A preacher noticed that a man had fallen asleep and was snoring loudly, so he interrupted his sermon to ask the man's wife to wake him up.
She answered indignantly, "You're the one who put him to sleep, so you wake him up!"

How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?
Quakers: None; the light comes from within.
Church of Christ: None; light bulbs arenít mentioned in the Bible, so it would be unscriptural.
Catholics: None; they use candles. (However, they will consider commissioning a very expensive stained glass window.)
United Methodists: None; they refuse to rate one bulb over another.
Lutherans: None; they don't believe in change.
Unitarian Universalists: None, since even the darkest bulb must be saved.
Amish: None. "What's a light bulb?"
Charismatics: Only one, but their hands are already in the air.
Mormons: Just one, but only after all the pre-teen wives have made it to the school bus.
Jehovah's Witnesses: Three; one to change the bulb and two to knock on your door and ask if you've seen the light!
Pentecostals: Ten; one to change the bulb and nine to pray away the spirit of darkness.
Episcopalians: Ten; one to put in the new bulb and nine to discuss how much better whale blubber candles were in the past.
Nazarene: Ten; one woman to replace the bulb while nine men review church lighting policy.
Baptists: At least three committees, and another group to make sure there's plenty of iced tea, fried chicken and potato salad.
Zionists: One to change the bulb and 7.8 million to accuse Edison, GE, tungsten and electricity of being anti-Semitic.
Buddhists: All of them, since they are in unity with everything.

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."

For every four Episcopalians, you're sure to find a fifth.

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy!

Three nuns are talking. The first nun says, "I was cleaning up Father Superior's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!" The other nuns gasp. She continues, "Well, of course I threw them all in the trash." The second nun says, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" The other nuns gasp. "Well, of course I poked holes in all of them!" she continues. The third nun immediately faints.

Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity!

Q: Why are Unitarian Universalists such lousy hymn singers?
A: They keep reading ahead to see if they agree with the next line.

Q: Why do Mormon women stop having babies at thirty-five?
A: Because thirty-six is too many!

Q: Why was the Mormon man upset about his marriage counseling bill?
A: Because he didn't get a group rate.

YOU MIGHT BE IN THE WRONG CHURCH IF ...
Most of its members can't pass through a metal detector.
The charity budget just got cut for the sixth year in a row, but the evangelism and building programs are pushing ahead full steam.
The offering instructions include: "Please make all checks payable to the pastor."

YOU MIGHT BE A SOUTHERN BAPTIST IF ...
You believe Jesus, the apostles and Hebrew prophets were conservatives, when they were actually flaming liberals.
You oppose Obamacare, when Jesus dispensed free healthcare everywhere he went.
You believe the Bible is "infallible" when it says the earth existed before the stars, and that plants were created before the sun.
You believe the apostle Paul spoke King James English.
You believe Jesus turned water into Welch's grape juice.
You clapped in church and felt guilty about it for a week.

Why did the Baptist literalist deliver a sermon at the local zoo?
Because his Bible told him to preach the gospel to every living creature.

There are four general religious truths:
Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
Members of the Church of Christ do not recognize other Christian denominations.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

Q: How do we know that Adam was a Baptist?
A: Only a Baptist could stand next to a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit.
 
Why do Baptists object so strongly to pre-marital sex?
They're afraid it might lead to drinking and dancing.

Q: Why are Southern Baptists boycotting "The Flintstones"?
A: They absolutely refuse to have a "gay ol' time."
 
Q: Why were hundreds of Southern Baptists stranded on Disney's Treasure Island?
A: When offered the help of a ferry, they refused.

The Top Effects of the Southern Baptists' Boycott of Disney:
Hellfire and Animation!
Reduced pressure to put pants on Donald Duck.
Baptists now must visit Disney World in the same disguises they wear to liquor stores.
Neighborhood "working girls" can no longer count on income from visiting televangelists.
Children begin mass conversions to other religions.
Athletes now say, "I'm going to Disneyland, then to HELL!"
Crowds at Dollywood soar into the dozens.
Correct Answer: Absolutely nothing!!!
 
A Baptist minister, sorely tempted, finally propositioned the choir director one night after practice, when they were alone in the church. "Where should we do it, Reverend?" she enthusiastically replied. "Right here on the floor!" he panted. "It'd be too cold." she whispered. "How about standing up?" He was shocked. "Good Lord, girl, have you taken leave of your senses? If anyone came in, they'd think we were dancing!"

A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife. "What type of bra?" asks the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man, "there's more than one type?" She nods her head and informs him, "There are three types: the Catholic, the Salvation Army, and the Baptist. Which one do you want?" Still confused the man asks, "What's the difference?" The clerk responds, "It's really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses; the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen; and the Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills."

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad is a Catholic priest. He scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Zionism: n. (zih-uhn-ism) A quasi-religious belief, held by many Israeli Jews, that "God does not exist, but he gave us your land, so fork it over!" 

Q: Why did the Zionist cross the road?
A: To occupy the other side.
 
Q: What did the Zionist answer, on his job application form, when asked for his desired occupation?
A: Occupation!

Why do Church of Christ evangelists never carry cash?
They don't believe in denominations.

How can you eliminate a Church of Christ evangelist and not go to jail?
Tell him you're a Baptist, then offer him a free dinner and watch him starve to death rather than have table fellowship with you.

"Welcome to heaven!" Saint Peter said. I give all newcomers a guided tour, so please follow me and be prepared to be amazed." Peter then led the new arrivals on a breathtaking tour of heaven, showing them everything from the streets of gold to the tree of life. Finally, he led them to a vast worship hall with numerous doors on either side. He opened one door to reveal people singing praises to God. "These are the Baptists." He then opened another door to reveal people praising God, lifting their hands and speaking in tongues. "These are the Pentecostals." Door by door, all earth's religions and sects were revealed. But approaching the last door, Peter made a shushing sign and whispered, "These souls are from the Churches of Christ; they think theyíre the only ones here!"

We can tell that Jesus really was a member of the Church of Christ because he offended everyone; he claimed to know the only way to be saved; he had a larcenous treasurer; and after his sermons he went out partying, eating and drinking with sinners.

YOU MIGHT BE CHURCH OF CHRIST IF ...
You were an adult before you knew that "guardguideanddirectus" was not one word.
You immediately reach for your wallet when you hear the phrase, "Now, separate and apart from the Lordís Supper Ö"
You've been to a wedding or funeral where "the invitation" was offered.
You think it's okay to have taped organ music of the "Wedding March" but not the organ itself.
You think "progressive" refers to church members who want a sound system and PowerPoint.
You think of the sick as being on "beds of affliction."
You plan to be back at the church building "at the next appointed hour."
You stay out of sanctuaries, but spend a lot of time in auditoriums.
You have never been to a church that wasn't named after either its town or street.
You think your chosen pew is sacred and no one else should sit in your spot.
You know all the words to all the verses of "Trust and Obey."
You think the Bible questions on Jeopardy are way too easy.
You think "Church of Christ humor" is an oxymoron.

What does UCC stand for?
Untied Church of Christ
Utterly Confused Christians
Upper Crust Congregationalists
Uniformly Cultured Centrists
Upset Christian Cynics
Undermining Christís Church

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
The mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment then asked, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late ... But please don't shove me either!"

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
 
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her young charges. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill!"

At Sunday School the teacher was explaining how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when she described how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as if he were ill, and she asked, "Johnny, what's the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!"

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a scary sermon about the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."
 
The world's greatest swindler world dies and finds himself standing before the gates of Heaven. St. Peter smiles and says, "Come on in, friend!" Confused, the swindler replies, "But I thought I would be going to Hell for all of the bad things I did." St. Peter replies, "Oh, love keeps no records of wrongs, and everyone is welcome here!" The swindler enters, and is shocked to see many beautiful girls weeping bitterly and whipping themselves. He asks St. Peter, "Why are they doing that?" St. Peter answers, "Ah, those are our virgins. They just found out that we don't keep records!"

I was walking across a bridge one day, when I saw a man standing on the edge, about to leap to his death.
I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.
I said, "Well ... because, um ... there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?
"Well ... are you Christian or atheist?"
"Christian," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Protestant or Catholic?"
"Neither," he said.
"What then?" I asked.
"Undenominational," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Undenominational Christian Church or Undenominational Church of Christ?"
"Undenominational Church of Christ," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Multiple Cup Undenominational Church of Christ or One Cup Undenominational Church of Christ?"
"Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ or Non-Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ?"
"Bible Class, Multiple Cup Undenominational Church of Christ," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Premillennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup Undenominational Church of Christ or A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ?"
"A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Non Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ or Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ?"
"Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Direct Indwelling of the Holy Spirit, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ or Holy Spirit Dwells only through the Word, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ?"
"Direct Indwelling of the Holy Spirit, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Praise Teams in Worship, Direct Indwelling of the Holy Spirit, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ or No Praise Teams in Worship, Direct Indwelling of the Holy Spirit, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ?"
"Praise Teams in Worship, Direct Indwelling of the Holy Spirit, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Praise Teams Standing before the Congregation, Direct Indwelling of the Holy Spirit, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ or Praise Teams seated in the front pew, Direct Indwelling of the Holy Spirit, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ?"
"Praise Teams Standing before the congregation, Direct Indwelling of the Holy Spirit, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ" he said.
"Me too!" I said. "Singing during the Lordís Supper, Praise Teams Standing before the Congregation, Direct Indwelling of the Holy Spirit, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ or No Singing during the Lordís Supper, Praise Teams Standing before the Congregation, Direct Indwelling of the Holy Spirit, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ or No Singing during the Lordís Supper, Praise Teams Standing before the Congregation, Direct Indwelling of the Holy Spirit, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ or No Singing during the Lordís Supper, Praise Teams Standing before the Congregation, Direct indwelling of the Holy Spirit, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ?"
"Singing During the Lordís Supper, Praise Teams Standing before the Congregation, Direct Indwelling of the Holy Spirit, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ or No Singing during the Lordís Supper, Praise Teams Standing before the congregation, Direct Indwelling of the Holy Spirit, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ," he said.
"Arrrgghh!!! You heretic!!!" I screamed, then pushed him over the edge, confident that he would end up where he belonged, in hell.

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