Michael R. Burch
I thought I had heard of everything, but then I heard India is weaponizing chili.
It seems India’s military is now using the world’s hottest chili, bhut
jolokia or "ghost chili," in hand grenades. According to a TIME Magazine
article, India’s ghost chili grenades are nontoxic and can render terrorists
harmless with a "pungent smell" that can "choke terrorists and force them
their hideouts." Since it would be pointless to reinvent the wheel, I have to
assume India’s ghost chili grenades are more effective than ordinary tear
gas grenades. But I believe I know how to make them even more effective, while
lowering their cost substantially.
It was the "bhut" in bhut jolokia that got me thinking, and thinking
is what I do best. So please try to follow me, because my idea may help us win
the war on terrorism, cost effectively:
(1) Chili can be made with beans.
(2) Beans induce flatulence.
(3) Beans are cheap: much cheaper than any other weapon known to man.
(4) The most powerful bombs use chain reactions to deliver knock-out blows.
Therefore, the CIA should work with Tex-Mex chefs and the Indian military to
create a new, advanced, bean-based version of the bhut jolokia grenade:
one that will produce chain reactions of eye-watering, explosive flatulence.
Once beans have been stirred into the mix, so to speak, a single grenade might take out
legions of terrorists. Just imagine the first terrorist in line being enveloped
in the fulsome fumes of a ghost chili grenade, while vaporized bean particles
turn his anus into a tear gas cannon aimed conveniently at the terrorists behind
him. My idea will make the "domino theory" a reality, and help the CIA win its
war on terrorism without spending billions of dollars on expensive robotic
drones that keep killing the wrong people "accidentally." All we have to do is
find a single terrorist and persuade his anus to become our ally. Then victory will be
merely a matter of time and "wind" direction.