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Hatred of God in Haiti!

We were alarmed to hear from an informed, highly placed source (i.e., Pat Robertson) that the earthquake that devastated Haiti in 2010 was the result of bad religion (voodoo, devil worship, not fearing Christ sufficiently, etc.) on the part of some Haitians in the distant past. But if certain Haitians disrespected God before, we shudder to imagine what they must think of Him now. In an effort to get to the bottom of things, we have solicited opinions on certain important questions from a panel of knowledgeable experts who have consulted their Bibles and given us the benefit of their otherworldly "wisdom" . . .

Q: What is the single most important thing Americans can do, to help Haitians recover from the earthquakes, hurricanes and other natural disasters that an all-powerful God has inflicted on them?

The solution to Haiti’s main problem (worshiping the wrong entity) is obvious. We should send Pat Robertson there, like an avenging angel. Robertson can pray for even more terrible earthquakes to pound the remaining children of Haiti until the adults finally "repent" and "believe" in the "love of God."

Q: But how many children will have to suffer and die, and how many dead, unconverted adults will have to burn in hell for all eternity, until sufficient numbers of Haitians have become god-fearing Christians?

God only knows, praise his Glorious Name!

Q: If Haitians convert properly and become devout Christians, what benefits can they expect to receive?

Once Haitians have exchanged their inferior gods for the superior Christian god, all Haiti’s other problems will be miraculously be solved, just as ours have been! Er, scratch that last thought. I just checked and it seems that even though the vast majority of Americans believe furiously in the correct God, none of our problems have been solved. Perhaps having the “only true religion” isn’t quite the panacea we’d assumed . . . We’ll need more time to understand God‘s purpose in this!

Q: What about the shocking report that a Haitian woman threw her Holy Bible into a fire? Does she have any idea what sort of Holy Voodoo she’s messing with? And what about the reports we’re hearing that many Haitians practice both Christianity and Voodoo?

We sympathize with the Haitian woman who flung her Bible into the fire. She seems more honest to us than Christian missionaries whose "all-powerful" God controls the elements but can’t control his temper sufficiently to avoid killing children. If a man abused and killed children, we’d throw the cretin in jail, then throw away the key. But how many children are suffering and dying in Haiti, today? If God is responsible, doesn’t that make him a child abuser and a child killer? Will Christian missionaries now tell Haitians lingering on the verge of death, "If you don’t believe in the vengeful God who killed your children, he’ll condemn you to suffer in hell for all eternity"? How can such a religion be a comfort to anyone? How can anyone "love" such an unjust "god"? How is such a "god" an improvement on Papa Legba? In our opinion, the Haitians who subscribe to both Voodoo and Christianity are caught between a rock and a hard place.

We also have this bit of late-breaking news, directly from the front lines . . .

Why I Hate God: the Confession of the Last Honest Christian

by T. L. H. C.

I am writing this Confession anonymously because, as Oscar Wilde once pointed out, if you tell people the truth, they’ll kill you. My options are limited. Being a husband and father, I must think of the safety of my family and protect them from Christians who would no doubt hound and persecute them for what I’m about to reveal. I cannot afford to wait until fifty years after my death, as Mark Twain did before publishing his anti-Christianity exposť, Letters From The Earth. At the rate things are going, the earth may not last another five years, much less fifty! So it seems I must publish my Confession anonymously, at least for now.

My true identity would shock you. I have long been considered a shining light within evangelical Christian circles. I speak in tongues and my prayers have, at times, produced miraculous results. But every man has his limit. All the spiritual gifts in the world and even the hope of heaven cannot make up for what God did to Haiti.

***

Of course it is an overstatement to call myself "the last honest Christian." But how many Christians have ever confessed that they hate God? Hopefully readers will understand my point. I am not exalting myself, but pointing out a deep irony.

***

How did I come to hate and despise God?

The LORD appeared to me in a vision, immediately after the earthquake struck Port au Prince. From time to time I could feel the rumbling after-tremors as He showed me the terrible devastation: the collapsed shanties, the apartment and office buildings in ruins, and everywhere the men, women and children moaning and dying in the rubble.

Then the LORD commanded me in His usual ask-me-no-questions-I’ll-tell-you-no-lies voice: "Go, tell them to believe in Me—the ones still clinging to life, who are able to believe—so that I may save them." He stressed the word "may" oddly, as if there was considerable doubt about His intentions.

It was then that I realized He was a raving lunatic.

"Save them from what?"

He looked at me askance, his eyes narrowing suspiciously.

"Why, from hell, of course!"

"But why would You send these poor, suffering people to hell, after what they’ve been through? Why not save them all, if You are able to save them?"

His face crumpled, like that of a child who’s been told a pony for Christmas is out of the question.

"But I want them to believe in Me, and bow down to Me, and worship Me, and sing hymns of fawning praise to Me, and do My bidding!"

There was no doubt about it: He was the Devil.

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