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Wit and Fluff: The Best Humorous Poetry and Prose

Who were the wittiest poets of all time, the best light verse artists, the best prose humorists, the best comedians, the wittiest wits? Candidates include Woody Allen, George Carlin, Ogden Nash, Dorothy Parker, Joan Rivers, Will Rogers, Steve Martin, William Shakespeare, Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde and Robin Williams. The purpose of this page is simply to tickle your fancy and "activate" your funnybone! No high-falutin' poetry or prose here, just good fun ...

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.—Unknown
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.—George Burns
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I'm also not blonde.—Dolly Parton
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.—Unknown
Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: if you find one, what's your plan?—Unknown

Donald Trump has a much bigger problem than Robert Mueller, because he's pissed off the wrong people. Real witches do NOT want to be associated with The Donald! “To have him compare his situation to the worst period in our history is just infuriating,” witch Kitty Randall told the Daily Beast. Some witches — including a coven in Brooklyn — have taken to casting spells on the commander-in-chief. But most sorcerers are still biding their time, according to Randall.

The Turtle by Ogden Nash

The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
Which practically conceal its sex.
I think it clever of the turtle
In such a fix to be so fertile.

The Pelican by Dixon Merritt

A wonderful bird is the pelican:
His bill can hold more than his belly can.
He can take in his beak
Food enough for a week,
But I’m damned if I see how the hell he can.

Waggish Tales

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.—Unknown
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.—Ann Landers
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.—Will Rogers
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.—James Thurber
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.—Rita Rudner
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.—Mark Twain
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people.—Sigmund Freud
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.—Andy Rooney
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.—Ben Williams
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.—Robert Benchley
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul: chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!—Anne Tyler

Perplexed by Sex

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.—Tom Clancy
You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither.—Steve Martin
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.—Woody Allen
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.—Robin Williams
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.—Rodney Dangerfield
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.—Lynn Lavner
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.—George Burns
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.—George Burns
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.—Sharon Stone
My girlfriend always laughs during sex ... no matter what she's reading.—Steve Jobs
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.—Robin Williams
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.—Billy Crystal
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors report that latex condoms cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?—Dustin Hoffman
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.—Robert De Niro

Women and We Men (Wee Men?)

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.— Rhonda Hansome
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.—Charlotte Whitton
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.—Elayne Boosler
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.—Margaret Thatcher
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.—Maryon Pearson
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.—Carrie Snow
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.—Jane Sellman
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.—Sue Grafton
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.—Zsa Zsa Gabor
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.—Roseanne Barr
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I'm also not blonde.—Dolly Parton

A female reporter did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. In fact, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seemed to walk even further behind their husbands. The perplexed reporter approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still walk behind your husbands?" The woman replied, "Land mines."

Marriage Miscarriage (or, the Wee Men Get Even)

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
One man asked another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" He replied, "Yes, I married the wrong woman!"
A man ran an ad in the classifieds: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received hundreds of letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" His father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was the man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, women would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy: "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
The best thing about the battle between the sexes is often the sex between the battles.—Dr. Mardy Grothe
Men will never be equal to women until they can walk down the street with their hair in curlers, their feet in slippers, and their bellies overhanging their pants and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.

The Ostrich by Ogden Nash

The ostrich roams the great Sahara.
Its mouth is wide, its neck is narra.
It has such long and lofty legs,
I'm glad it sits to lay its eggs.

Nativity Depravity

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding plenty of asses to fill the stable.

George Carlin on Cows, Sacred Cows, and the Constitution

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate eleven million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse? You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ... It creates a hostile work environment.

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

Boy, I feel a lot safer now that Martha Stewart's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her ass off to jail.

The Cow by Ogden Nash

The cow is of the bovine ilk;
One end is moo, the other, milk.

Kids Say the Damnedest Things, Usually in Church!

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." Joel asked, "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

3-year-old, Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings. At bedtime, she would repeat the lines from the prayer after me. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from e-mail. Amen."

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and asked, "Would you like to say the blessing?" The girl replied, "I wouldn't know what to say." Her mother told her, "Just say what you hear Mommy say." The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a  whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.  The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.  The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."  The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. When she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out from her otherwise brown hair. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of  my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this for a moment, then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Dear God, submitted by Virgil Kaulius

Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.—Amanda
Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.—Joyce
Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.—Janet
God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me.—Love, Alison
Dear God, How did you know you were God? Who told you?—Charlene
Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house?—Anita
Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.—Nancy
Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too.—Glenn
Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go?—Love, Dennis
Dear God, Do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does?—Nathan
Dear God, Did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident?—Norma
Dear God, In bible times, did they really talk that fancy?—Jennifer
Dear God, How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now?—Billy
Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year.—Peter
Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother.—Larry
Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget.—Mark
Dear God, My brother told me about how we are born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say?—Marsha
Dear God, If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.—Barbara
Dear God, Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business?—Donny
Dear God, It is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon?—Jeff
Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really!!!!—Frank

Four Great Truths Children Have Learned

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma or Grandpa's lap.

Four Great Truths Parents Have Learned

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
Families are like fudge: mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

Four Great Truths about Growing Old

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Forget the health food; you need all the preservatives you can get.
When you fall down, figure out what you can do while you're down there.
Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.

The Four Stages of Life

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

The Termite by Ogden Nash

Some primal termite knocked on wood
And tasted it, and found it good!
And that is why your Cousin May
Fell through the parlor floor today.

Random Ruminations on Life:

Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel good.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
Never lick a steak knife.
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
You know you're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, race or religion, is that we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

The Guppy by Ogden Nash

Whales have calves,
Cats have kittens,
Bears have cubs,
Bats have bittens,
Swans have cygnets,
Seals have puppies,
But guppies just have little guppies.

Weighed and Found Wanting

A couple had been debating buying a new vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat-up old truck. Everything she liked was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!" He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. No one has seen or heard from him since.

The Wasp by Ogden Nash

The wasp and all his numerous family
I look upon as a major calamity.
He throws open his nest with prodigality,
But I distrust his waspitality.

Foresight Lite

Everything that can be invented has been invented.—Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899
The modern computer hovers between the obsolescent and the nonexistent.—Sydney Brenner, 1927
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.—IBM Chairman Thomas Watson, 1943
Computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and perhaps only weigh 1 1/2 tons.—Popular Mechanics, 1949
There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.—Ken Olson, President of Digital Equipment Corporation, 1977 [We do hope you sold your DEC stock soon thereafter!]

Forward Whoa!

Where is all the knowledge we lost with information?—T. S. Eliot
The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do.—B. F. Skinner
There are three roads to ruin; women, gambling and technicians. The most pleasant is with women, the quickest is with gambling, but the surest is with technicians.—George Pompidou
Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.—Anonymous
For years there has been a theory that millions of monkeys typing at random on millions of typewriters would reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. The Internet has proven this theory to be untrue.—Anonymous
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee. That will do them in.—Bradley's Bromide
One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man.—Elbert Hubbard
Any teacher that can be replaced by a computer, deserves to be.—David Thornburg
We live in a society exquisitely dependent on science and technology, in which hardly anyone knows anything about science and technology.—Carl Sagan
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.—Thomas Edison

Gates' Hates

Really, I'm not out to destroy Microsoft. That will just be a completely unintentional side effect.—Linus Torvalds, developer of Linux
Windows is just DOS in drag. —Anonymous

Technicality Banality

During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet.—Al Gore, describing his 1986 legislation to interconnect five supercomputer centers (17 years after the first Internet servers hooked up)
If Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell-check.—Former Vice President J. Danforth Quayle, who famously misspelled "potato"
The day I made that statement, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.—Al Gore, attempting damage control

Septic Skeptic, submitted by Virgil Kaulius

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory," I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. I felt I had done my duty for the homeless man and that the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of my tardiness. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Senility Levity

A reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman asked, "What do you think is the best thing about being 104?" She replied, "No peer pressure."
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
LORD, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

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