The HyperTexts

jesus hates me, this i know

by Michael R. Burch

jesus hates me, this I know,
for Church libel tells me so:
"little ones to him belong"
but if they use their dongs, so long!
    yes, jesus hates me!
    yes, jesus baits me!
    yes, he berates me!
    Church libel tells me so!

jesus fleeces us, i know,
for Religion scams us so:
little ones are brainwashed to
believe god saves the Chosen Few!
    yes, jesus fleeces!
    yes, he deceases
    the bunny and the rhesus
    because he's mad at you!

jesus hates me—christ who died
so i might be crucified:
'cause if i use my cock or brain,
that will drive the "LORD" insane!
    yes, jesus hates me!
    yes, jesus baits me!
    yes, he berates me!
    Church libel tells me so!

jesus hates me, this I know,
for Church libel tells me so:
pastors tell me "look above,"
that christ's the lamb and god's the dove,
but then They sentence me to Hell
for using my big brain too well
and understanding half the Bible
(if god is love) is clearly libel.
    yes, jesus hates me!
    yes, jesus baits me!
    yes, he berates me!
    Church libel tells me so!

Notes:

"if they use their dongs, so long"—According to orthodox Christian theology, unrepentant sinners go to hell. This is why many Christians say that homosexuals can't be saved, even if they believe in Jesus. But according to the Bible, Jesus said that thinking about having sex ("lust") is the same as committing adultery, and of course heterosexual Christians think and dream about sex like everyone else. So if homosexuals go to hell for having sex, it would seem only logical that heterosexuals would go to hell for thinking about sex, if the Bible is "infallible" (which of course it isn't).

"yes he deceases / the bunny and the rhesus"—According to the New Testament, Jesus is the Living Word of God, and all things were created through him. Genesis teaches that the earth was perfect when it was created, and that suffering and death entered the world through the disobedience of Adam and Eve. Of course this fairytale has been completely debunked by modern science, because we now know that trillions of animals lived, suffered and died long before man ever walked the planet. And of course the plight of animals cannot be explained by the "disobedience" of man. If suffering and death are the punishments of God for man disobediently gaining the knowledge of good and evil, then animals should clearly be immortal, since they have no knowledge of good and evil (and no ability to believe in Jesus and be forgiven). Why would Jesus sentence innocent baby bunny rabbits to suffer and die, if he was angry with Adam and Eve? But of course there never was a perfect garden of Eden, so Paul's elaborate "plan of salvation" makes absolutely no sense. If anyone needs to be forgiven and redeemed, it's the Creator, not man, who is merely a late-arriving victim of the general horror of life on a planet where nature is "red in tooth and claw."

"if I use my cock or brain"—There are two things that scare the hell (pun intended) out of the witchdoctors of orthodox Christianity: sexual freedom and freethinking. Christian churches gain temporal power and money by condemning people to "hell" then pretending to "save" them. In order to continue this con game, they need converts who refuse to think for themselves. They also need to convince these converts to marry, have children and bring them up according to the dictates of the church. If Christians got wise, decided to think for themselves and have more sex but fewer children, many churches would wither at the root. (And of course the world would soon be a better, safer place to live, without all the religion-inspired bigotry, intolerance and holy wars.)

Readers, please keep in mind that I am not damning Jesus, only orthodox Christian dogma and the holy rollers who brainwash young, highly impressionable children into believing the "infallible" Bible's many satanic verses. Yes, there are some nice verses too, but most Christians ignore the best ones, which clearly say that everyone will be saved in the end. The Hebrew prophets insisted that all Israel would be saved—as did Saint Paul—and that even Sodom would be restored. In his famous "Valley of the Dry Bones" vision, Ezekiel said that he saw all Israel resurrected and saved [made whole] and that the resurrected Israelites believed in God after the miracle, not before. But according to orthodox Christian theology, everyone who doesn't "believe" in a monstrous God who is able to save everyone but will nonetheless damn billions of human souls to an eternal hell, will be condemned to hell themselves. Talk about a Catch-22 situation: in order to escape hell, must one believe in and worship the Devil? So much for the "good news" if this is true, but of course there's no reason to believe such evil nonsense. If people want to believe the Bible, why not believe the best verses rather than the worst ones?

According to orthodox Christianity, God created curious beings (us) then damned them to suffer and die because they wanted to learn. He created human beings with intense sexual desires which caused them to be attracted to all sorts of potential mates, then condemned them for not being chaste or monogamous. But of course there is nothing loving, just, compassionate or wise about a God who damns creatures for being the way he made them.

According to the Bible, God preached many pretty sermons about the need for compassion and justice without ever following his own advice for more than a verse or two. Jesus reserved most of his criticism for hypocrites. If Jesus was God, or the son of God, or a man capable of speaking for God, how can God be a hypocrite? If God cherishes love, compassion and forgiveness, and is capable of love, compassion and forgiveness, how can he periodically turn into a bloodthirsty Brute who commands slavery, matricide, infanticide, ethnic cleansing and genocide? What would we say about Gandhi and Dr Martin Luther King Jr. if they spoke of the need for nonviolence one minute, then went around torturing and murdering people right and left? Of course we would call them hypocrites. If all the Bible is "true" then God is either hypocritical or schizophrenic, because in one passage he talks about the need for compassion for widows and orphans, but in another passage he commands the murder of women and children. According to the Bible, "men of God" like Moses, Joshua and King David wantonly killed innocent women and children. That David was "the man after God's own heart" is pure fantasy, if God is good, because David killed every woman when he "smote the land" and he ordered the slaughter of the lame and blind when Jerusalem was taken from the Jebusites. Jesus never hurt a flea, as far as we know, and he had compassion for the lame and blind. If Jesus was a man after God's own heart, then David obviously wasn't, unless God is a schizophrenic.

Furthermore, after completely forgetting to ever mention a place of suffering after death in Biblical chronologies covering thousands of years — and still never having announced the creation or purpose of "hell," according to the Bible — God, according to orthodox Christianity, suddenly started sending people to hell for not believing in his person, when he had chosen to remain hidden. If God is unwilling to communicate with human beings, what right does he have to demand that they "believe" in his person? If he wants to communicate with them but is unable to do so, how can he call himself God?

It seems obvious to me that early Christian theologists took a compassionate man, Jesus, and in the process of elevating him to the position of an all-powerful God who only saves the Chosen Few (i.e., themselves), they turned him into an unjust, inhuman Monster. When I was a boy, I prayed to Jesus, but he never spoke to me. If he was unable to speak to me, how can he be God? If he was unwilling to speak to me, how can he demand my belief in his person? If he would send me to hell for not believing in him, when he was either unable or unwilling to speak to me, how can he be good?

Does Jesus continue to exist in some other dimension? I have no way of knowing. Since I have no way of knowing, it would be terribly unjust for him or anyone else to condemn me to hell for using my powers of reason to conclude that the "believe in Jesus" thing is a human-invented scam. In my opinion orthodox Christianity is a noxious crock of shit. No one should teach innocent children that they and other people are in danger of an "eternal hell" if they choose to think for themselves. I hate every fucking Christian pastor who ever opened his fucking blasphemous mouth and told me that if I didn't "believe" in Jesus, God would send me to hell. If God is good, they are fucking blasphemous liars, because no loving, wise, just, compassionate God could be so unloving, unwise, unjust and lacking in compassion.

If life continues after death and if there is a hell, perhaps it's reserved for the "Chosen Few" who claim they'll be "saved by grace" while much kinder, more thoughtful people like Gandhi and Einstein are denied both grace and rewards for their outstanding achievements. If there is such a hell—I don't pretend to know—hopefully it's not eternal and once the "Chosen Few" have suffered the tortures they invented for other people, they will be able to learn compassion and a sense of justice, and rejoin people with functional hearts and brains in a better place. And of course there is a Bible verse that says "the first will be last, and the last first" ...

The HyperTexts