The HyperTexts

Sarah Palin, Poet!

Sarah Palin is a poet. No, make that a Poet with a capital "P." She is probably the best-known American poet still producing major work today. Wailin' Palin, as she is known in literary circles, is a Poet of Rare Magnitude, an acknowledged master of haiku, playful limericks, free verse, beat poetry and rap. Highly original, she coins words and phrases like a modern Shakespeare: "squirmishes" and "refudiate" for instance. She can be as profound as Ogden Nash, as tolerant of human frailty as Robinson Jeffers, and as innocently sweet as Martial―often simultaneously. Her poem "Trumpin' the Light Fantastic" (which appears below) rivals Allen Ginsberg's "Howl" as the height of beat poetry, while incorporating elements of Abraham Lincoln, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Elmer Fudd. What other major poet would dream of ending her "I Have a Dream" riff with a Fuddish "You betcha!" As the noted literary critic Jeet Heer explained: "There is a strong consensus among Palin scholars as to where she fits into the poetic pantheon: She is heir to the tradition of free-flowing democratic verse that runs from Walt Whitman to Carl Sandburg to Allen Ginsberg." Indeed, Palin has been called the Wasilla Walt Whitman. She also compares well with Emily Dickinson for insight, with Edna St. Vincent Millay for unconventionality, with Sara Teasdale for terseness, and with Sylvia Plath for baring her heart and soul to the entire world. But in my opinion the poet Palin most resembles in language, form and style is obviously Yoda, as we shall now see together ....

compiled by Michael R. Burch

Haiku: When 900 Years Old You Reach
by Sarah Palin

When 900 years old you reach,
look as good,
you will not.

We are simply stunned by Palin's clarity, conciseness and wisdom! Like her major influence and mentor Yoda, Sarah Palin is often eccentric but nearly always accessible. Her "light bulb" ideas and otherworldly grammar are equally enthralling. At other times, being one of our most spiritual of poets and self-help advisers, Palin easily out-gurus Yogi Bear and Yogi Berra, "without even thinking." But usually she is just absolutely unique: a maverick rogue, in rouge:

Haiku: The Unseeing Opponent
by Sarah Palin

Our opponent is someone
who sees America
as imperfect.

Only Sarah Palin could explain so concisely, so succinctly and so very lyrically why we are our own worst enemies, since Americans freely admit that our nation and government are far from "perfect." And she articulates the very real need for The Donald―the Dauphin to her Joan of Arc―to run the show:

Haiku: Trumping Sense
by Sarah Palin

he brings to the table.

But Palin is not content to limit herself to ordinary language. No siree! Like all Great Poets she coins new words. Cha-ching! Has there ever been a more spectacular coinage than "refudiate"? When asked to explain what would have been a verbal gaffe for anyone else, Palin displayed the vast superiority of her intellect by lecturing her critics:

wee-wee'd up.
English is a living language.
Shakespeare liked to coin words, too.
Got to celebrate it!

In the process she either created a second nonsense word or borrowed it from another charismatic moron, whose identity must be concealed to protect the ignorant. In any case, without further ado about nothing, here are Palin's free-verse riffs from her endorsement speech for Donald Trump:

Trumpin' the Light Fantastic: A Bombshell Endorsement Election Remix
by Sarah Palin

Well, look, we are mad,
and we've been had.
Yes, the status quo
has got to go!
With their failed agenda,
it can't be salvaged,
it must be savaged!

(It seems the Grizzly Mama has taken to the poetic warpath!)

I’m in it
to win it!
No, we're not going to chill!
In fact it's time to drill,
baby, drill
and hold these folks accountable.
Common-sense solutions he brings to the table!

(I'm afraid you lost me here ... are we talking about fracking or fucking?)

How about the rest of us?
proud clingers
of our guns,
our God,
our religion,
and our Constitution.
(Er, is all that bitter clinging something you really want to brag about?)

Are you ready to stump
for Trump? 

(No, I will leave that up to you!)

Well, Trump, what he’s been able to do,
which is really ticking people off,
which I’m glad about,
he's going rogue left and right, man,
that’s why he's doing so well.
He's been able to tear the veil off this idea of the system.

(Wailin' Palin's solution to every problem is to "go rogue," it seems.)

You guys are sounding angry
is we're hearing from the establishment.
They stomp on our neck,
and then they tell us,
"Just chill, O.K., just relax."
Well, look, we are mad,
and we've been had.
They need to get use to it!

(So profound!)
We're talking about
no more Reaganesque power
that comes from strength.
Power through strength.
(Whoops! Ronald Reagan's signature Cold War slogan was "Peace through strength." Wouldn't power through strength be redundant?)
And you quit footing the bill for these nations who are oil-rich,
we're paying for some of their squirmishes!

(Yes, those "squirmishes" certainly do get a bit squishy, sloshing through all that oil to foot the bills!)

These are unifying values,
from big cities and tiny towns,
from big mountain states and The Big Apple.
You hard-working Iowa families.
You farm families, and teachers, and teamsters, and cops, and cooks!
You rock 'n' rollers, and holy rollers,
all of you who work so hard.
You full-time moms,
you with the hands that rock the cradle,
you all make the world go round.
And now our cause is one.
And I got to say—yeah—I’ll go—send me—You betcha!

(Only Sarah Palin could end her "I Have a Dream" riff with "You betcha!" She is truly an original ... fruitcake.)
He is from the private sector,
not a politician.
Can I get a "Hallelujah!"

(Hmmn ... Should we jump for religious joy because a real estate salesman is running for president?)
Mr. Trump, you're right,
look back there in the press box.
Heads are spinning,
media heads are spinning.
This is going to be so much fun.

(Yes, spinning heads are the height of entertainment!)
Well, and then,
funny, ha ha,
not funny, but now,
what they're doing is wailing,
"Well, Trump and his Trumpeters,
they're not conservative enough."
(You, we presume, are the lead singer and head cheerleader for the Trumpeters! And they don't call you Wailin' Palin for nothin'!)
And he, who would negotiate deals,
kind of with the skills of a community organizer
maybe organizing a neighborhood tea,
well, he deciding that,
"No, America would apologize as part of the deal,"
as the enemy sends a message to the rest of the world
that they capture and we kowtow,
and we apologize, and then,
we bend over and say,
"Thank you, enemy."

(You seem to prefer a nuclear war with Iran to the peace deal. Is that wise? And how well did Ronald Reagan do, really? Didn't he trade arms for hostages, and still not get the hostages back? Does that make him a tea party organizer, like Wailin' Sarah Palin?)
He’s got the guts to wear the issues that need to be spoken about
and debate on his sleeve,
where the rest of some of these establishment candidates,
they just wanted to duck and hide.
They didn't want to talk about these issues until he brought 'em up.
In fact, they've been wearing a, this, political correctness kind of like a suicide vest.
(You are a master of Yoda-speak, only without the wisdom!)

When asked why I would jump into a primary
—kind of stirring it up a little bit, maybe—
And choose one over some friends who are running
(and I’ve endorsed a couple others in their races before they decided to run for president)
I was told left and right,
"You are going to get so clobbered in the press.
You are just going to get beat up,
And chewed up,
And spit out."
You know, I’m thinking: "And?"

(Yes, now that you're really thinking, why not stir things up a little bit?)

It's Not About Me, Just My Cult of Personality
by Sarah Palin

But not me personally
were those cheers for.

As she constantly assures us, in Yoda-speak, perhaps protesting too much, Palin is not a dictator, yet:

It's Not About Me Bein' a Dictator!
by Sarah Palin

The Alaskan voters have spoken
and me not bein' a dictator
won't be tellin' anybody what to do.
A Governor, especially one that's not gonna be a dictator and all this,
doesn't have control over that.

And while it is obviously not about Sarah Palin personally, nor about her being a dictator, it is ultimately all about what the royal "we" embody, and all eyes being upon her royal body:

It Really Is All About What We Embody, Buddy!
by Sarah Palin

And I truly believe it was good for Alaska.
I believe that, with tens of millions of people seeing kind of a different face of Alaska,
and again, not me personally but what it is that we represent.
Hardworking, unpretentious, conservationists, all these things that our administration and my family, all that we embody,
has been good for Alaska because it's shown that up here we do work hard
and we do want to produce and we want to contribute more to the U.S. ...
And the eyes of the nation are on Alaska, they're going to be on us for a long time.

“pls refudiate!”
by Michael R. Burch

“Refudiate” this,
miffed, misunderstood Ms!—
Shakespeare, you’re not
(more like Yoda, but hot).
Your grammar’s atrocious;
Great Poets would know this.

You lack any plan
save to flatten Iran
like some cute Mini-Me
cloned from G. W. B.

Admit it, Ms. Palin!,
stop your winkin’ and wailin’—
only “heroes” like Nero
fiddle sparks at Ground Zero.

Or, as Edmund Conti says of America's new master communicator:

Sarah Palin likes to bleat
I am Woman. Hear me tweet.

Like the latest and greatest of all American poets, George W. Bush, Sarah Palin seems intent on taking Yoda-speak to new heights, as evidenced by her immortal haiku "When 900 Years Old You Reach." Palin is also the inventor of a new type of Yoda-ism which I have dubbed the "Palin-drone." A palindrome (with a lower case "p" and an "m") makes sense whether one reads the letters backwards or forwards. For example, "Dad did mom" consists of three small palindromes. One of the cleverest palindromes of all time was a campaign slogan for Teddy Roosevelt: "A man, a plan, a canal: Panama." But a Palin-drone (with an upper case "P" and an "n") makes no sense whatsoever, regardless of anything the reader does. For example:

"Alaska is all over the world map right now."

A Palindrone can sometimes seem to make sense, until one analyzes the underlying "logic," as with:

"Our opponent is someone who sees America as imperfect."

This is the same as saying we are our own worst enemy, which in the case of a Palin-led dumb-ocracy would undoubtedly be the case. 

But while such lines make for disconcertingly bad politics, as pure poetry they are undeniably dazzling, on a par with the conclusion of Wallace Stevens' immortal poem "The Snow Man," in which he speaks of a listener who "nothing himself, beholds / Nothing that is not there, and the nothing that is."  So I agree with Julian Gough, who recently proposed that Palin be made the Poet Laureate of the United States (although by admitting her obvious greatness as a poet, I fear that I am also admitting that sheer stupidity is the height of man's art and literary achievement):

Going Rogue in Rouge
by Michael R. Burch

It'll be hard to polish that apple
enough to make her seem palatable.
Though she's sweeter than Snapple
how can my mind grapple
with stupidity so nearly infallible?
Copyright 2012 by Michael R. Burch
Signs of the Apocalypse
all Rights and Violent Shudderings Reserved

Tom McNichol has called Palin a "true bard," noting the "fragile haiku-like quality" of her compositions, most of which seem to be contemporaneous gifts of the Muse (although at least one seems to have been inked on the palm of her hand, like a bimbo cheerleader's cheat notes). According to McNichol, Palin's poems sometimes cause readers to question the very meaning of meaning itself. Having been stumped by her otherworldly syntax, I'm inclined to agree:

The Planks
by Sarah Palin

This is a strong platform
around the planks in this platform
that respect life and respect the entrepreneurial spirit
of this great country
and those things
back to social issues
that are what, at least in the past,
had articulated and tried to stand on.
Now finally we have solid planks
In the platform
that will allow us to build
an even stronger foundation.
It's all good
You just go to the planks
in the platform
and that's where you'll see 'em.

"The Planks" reminds me a bit of "The Layers" by Stanley Kunitz, except that Palin's poem is utterly incomprehensible. What sort of construction involves erecting a platform built "around" the planks in the platform itself, on a strong foundation, then building an even stronger foundation underneath it later? The tremendous cognitive difficulty of "The Planks" makes Palin a Major Poet, in the same way that T. S. Eliot became a Major Poet when no one (including himself) could understand "The Waste Land." Words that are beyond comprehension are self-evidently above criticism. Palin has reached the most rarefied of airs: one entirely devoid of brain-enriching oxygen.

Haiku: Tomorrow Morning
by Sarah Palin

Tomorrow morning
the pundits are going to
start do the who said

Famous thespians like William Shatner have performed Palin's poetry live on major TV shows like the Tonight Show. How many contemporary poets can make such a claim? Bennett Gordon, writing for UTNE Reader, called Palin a "beat-style poet" whose "stream of consciousness riffs" comprise "free verse works of art." But Palin is not without her critics. Robert Peake accused some of her poems of being "trite tweets," but Peake seems to be a minority, perhaps of one. Julian Gough recently expressed what seems to be the mainstream opinion in Prospect Magazine saying, "Palin is a poet, and a fine one at that. What the philistine media take for incoherence is, in fact, the fruitful ambiguity of verse." As an example of Palin's "fruitful ambiguity," Gough cited these lines of Palin's:

And the relevance to me
With that issue,
As we spoke
About Africa and some
Of the countries
There that were
Kind of the people succumbing
To the dictators
And the corruption
Of some collapsed governments
On the
The relevance
Was Alaska's.

Gough concluded, "A great poet needs to leave open the door between the conscious and unconscious; Sarah Palin has removed her door from its hinges. A great poet does not self-censor; Sarah Palin seems authentically innocent of what she is saying. She could be the most natural, visionary poet since William Blake."

While I believe it's a bit early to compare any contemporary poet to an Immortal Poet like William Blake, I have to believe that Palin has already surpassed contemporary masters like T. S. Eliot, Ezra Pound, Hart Crane and Wallace Stevens. While Palin's meter is not yet up to par with theirs, they fall far short of her sheer incomprehensibility. I also believe Palin is a past master of obfuscation. She obviously doesn't know the names of African countries or their dictators, but she does know that Alaska is "relevant," so like all great poets, she creates connections mere mortals would never consider. She is at once both utterly naive and a master obfuscator. One can only sigh rapturous sighs in the presence of such genius.  Who else could come up with a gem like this one, off the proverbial cuff? . . .

That Bridge to Nowhere
by Sarah Palin

lines in which Sarah Palin says
she would build a bridge to nowhere
at Alaska's expense, without the help
of Congress

I told Congress—
I told Congress—
but no thanks,"
on that bridge to nowhere.
If our state wanted a bridge,
I said,
we'd build it ourselves.

But whatever else becomes of Sarah Palin, she has now been immortalized the old-fashioned way, by the poets of The HyperTexts, in verse. Luckily for her, we were able to find one poet willing to defend her, the eminent Dr. Joseph S. Salemi. So if you're a Sarah Palin fan, please be sure to scroll down to the bottom of this page to read his limerick "To Stupid Liberals Who Hate Sarah Palin." We gave him last word on the subject. But Joe, we liberals don't "hate" Sarah Palin. We love her! She's proof that bad things also come in threes: death, taxes and the great wooshing sound of all intelligent life on earth departing the planet for some uninhabited asteroid where we won't have to hear her make a fool of herself every time she opens her sock-her-mom mouth. Finally the reptiles will be able to reclaim the earth and not have to share it with beings with viable, warm-blooded hearts and brains!

Baked Alaskan
by Michael R. Burch

There is a strange yokel so flirty
she makes whores seem icons of purity.
With all her winkin’ and blinkin’
she seems to be "thinkin’"—
"Ah culd save th’ free world ’cause ah’m purty!"
Copyright 2012 by Michael R. Burch
Signs of the Apocalypse
all Rights and Violent Shudderings Reserved

Un-Naming of Parts
by Sarah Palin

lines in which Sarah Palin
outshines Henry Reed's
poem "Naming of Parts"

Nuclear weaponry
of course
would be the
be all
end all
of just
too many people
in too many parts
of our planet.

Side by Side by Sarah
by Edmund Conti

Sidekicks ease the rigor
However hard your gig.
Roy Rogers had his Trigger.
Palin has her Trig.

Plea to God Almighty in Our Deep Distress
by Rip Doff

God, please take back Sarah
and give us back Farah!

Rubble Rouser
by Notta Fann

Sarah, you’re right:
Obama’s too bright.
We need someone winsome
’n’dumber’n Fred Flintstone.

As Putin Rears His Head
by Sarah Palin

these lines are vaguely reminiscent of
the William Carlos Williams poem
"The pure products of America / go crazy"
(well, perhaps just the "crazy" part)

As Putin rears his head
and comes into the air space
of the United States of America
where do they go?
It's Alaska.
It's just right over the border.
It is from Alaska
that we send those out to make sure
that an eye is being kept
on this very powerful nation:
Because they are right there.
They are right next to our state.

Palin’s True Calling
by Devout B. Leaver

Though each word's a disaster,
you'd make a great pastor:
when you preach the end times, dear,
we believe they’ve begun here.

Activity of Man
by Sarah Palin

I'm not one
to attribute every man
activity of man
to the changes in the climate.
There is something to be said
also for man's activities
but also
for the cyclical temperature changes.

The Rouged Rogue Steers the Sinking Ship of State
by U. N. Impressed

There once was a rouged rogue named Palin
who said, "Our economy’s failin’
     because of Obama
     (or maybe his mama),
so please pick me and there’ll be smooth sailin’!
     Though I’m dumber than Bush
     I have such a cute tush.
Hey, but why are the ship's rats all balin'?"

A Child
by Sarah Palin

When you consider
what's going on
in this world,
the most promising
and good ingredients
in this world
is a child.
The hope
that a child brings
and just understanding that.
Being near
and dear
to my heart.

Ship(wreck) of State
by C. Nitbefore

When winkin’ and blinkin’
sweet Sarah Palin
steams into port "thinkin’" . . .
we better start balin’—
the Ship of State’s sinkin’!

There Have Been Rulings
by Sarah Palin

this poem is too profound
for us to add anything but: Yikes!

In the great history
of America rulings,
there have been

Sarah's Credentials
by Hermain Detractor

Our rogue in rouge,
our maverick stooge,
our winkin’ and blinkin’
unable Lincoln . . .
who needs hard facts?
You have lipstick and compacts!

The Maverick
by Sarah Palin

lines in which Sarah Palin
seems to fantasize about James
Garner downing shots of
liquor at a party

He's also known as
the maverick
taking shots from his own party,
and certainly taking shots
from the other party.
Trying to get people
to understand
what he's been talking about.

Abstinence, Sarah?
by Al B. Damned

Abstinence, Sarah?
Try it—I dare ya!
Give up all winking,
blinking and "thinking"
lest—(our hearts sinking)—
we all take up drinking
and get stinking drunk,
knowing we’re sunk.

I Still Can't Answer That Question
by Sarah Palin

lines in which Sarah Palin confesses she's
not qualified for the White House

As for that VP talk
all the time
I'll tell you:
I still can't answer that question
until somebody answers for me
what is it
that the VP does
every day.

Palin’s "Palm Pilot"

by Michael R. Burch

As with her polemics on chastity,
Sarah Palin’s words have come back to haunt her like avenging angels,
or perhaps more like angry, anti-hypocrisy poltergeists:
should a bimbo cheerleader with crib notes inked on the palms of her hands
criticize the class nerd for more intelligently using a teleprompter?

I May Not Answer The Questions
by Sarah Palin

lines in which Sarah Palin
confesses she's much better at talking
than making sense (well, at least she
warned us!)

I may not answer the questions
that either the moderator
or you
want to hear (?)
but I'm going to
the American people.

De-mystifying Sarah Palin
by Michael R. Burch

I can explain why Sarah Palin needs two Blackberries.
One is for dictating the text of her next million-seller:
The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Going Rogue.
The other is for admiring the sound
of her own incomprehensible voice.

Ultimately, Just Bail Out!
by Sarah Palin

But ultimately, what the bailout does
is help those who are concerned
about the healthcare reform
that is needed to help shore up our economy,
helping the, it’s got to be all about job creation, too:
shoring up our economy,
and putting it back on the right track,
so healthcare reform and reducing taxes
and reining in spending
has got to accompany tax reductions and tax relief,
for Americans, and trade—
we’ve got to see trade as opportunity,
not as a competitive, scary thing,
but one in five jobs being created in the trade sector today,
we’ve got to look at that more as more opportunity—
all those things under the umbrella of job creation,
this bailout is a part of that.

The American Workforce
by Sarah Palin

John McCain,
in referring to the fundamental
of our economy being strong,
he was talking to
and he was talking about
the American workforce.
And the American workforce
is the greatest in this world,
with the ingenuity
and the work ethic
that is just entrenched
in our workforce.
That's a positive.
That's encouragement.
And that's what John McCain meant.

What I've Done
by Sarah Palin

Now, what I've done
as a governor
and as a mayor
is . . .
I've had that track record of reform.
And I've joined this team
that is a team of mavericks . . .

Never Again
by Sarah Palin

We agree! Never again!

Let's commit ourselves
just every day
American people:
Joe Six Pack
hockey moms
across the nation.
I think we need
to band together
and say
Never Again.

Gluteus Maximus
by Michael R. Burch

In 1984, Sarah Palin won the Miss Wasilla
beauty contest, at which she played the flute
and was named "Miss Congeniality." Palin
allegedly "reported with some consternation
that the judges were too interested in the
contestants’ derrieres."

"Miss Wasilla,"
harrumped the Gorilla,
ogling her heine
sparkly and shiny
in her eenie bikini,
"you appeal to my weenie!"

"Most congenial Miss,
my judgment is this:
Neanderthal I
like to watch you walk by!"

But now it’s her hour;
at last she has Power.
How, then, will she judge him?
No doubt she will smudge him,
the insect, the lout,
by butting him out.

To Stupid Liberals Who Hate Sarah Palin

by Joseph S. Salemi

You liberals say poor Sarah's witless--
You question her mind and her fitness.
Why not scream less
And simply confess
That Sarah just scares you scum shitless?

This limerick is a gift to all left-liberal vermin who think they are cute and witty by attacking a woman.  Fuck you, and have a nice day. ― Joseph S. Salemi

The HyperTexts