The HyperTexts

The Best Ted Cruz Jokes, Puns, Tweets, Quotations, Insults, Campaign Promises, Coinages, Nicknames, Hashtags, Memes, Limericks and Poems

This page contains the best Ted Cruz jokes, limericks and puns by comics and comedians like Lewis Black, Michael Che, Stephen Colbert, James Corden, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Jay Leno, David Letterman, Larry King, Bill Maher, Seth Meyers, Trevor Noah, Conan O'Brien, John Oliver, Jon Stewart and Larry Wilmore.

Related pages: Where Have All the Birthers Gone?, The Best Ted Cruz Jokes, Ted Cruz Nicknames, Is Ted Cruz an Anchor Baby?, Ted Cruz Quotes, Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast

Rafael Eduardo "Ted" Cruz is a Cuban-Canadian lounge act. He will lounge while you act. — Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Ted Cruz is half Canadian and half Cuban. The wit of Justin Bieber combined with the people skills of Scarface.―Bill Maher

Ted "The Ooze" Cruz is the Latino Liberace and a damn sharp dresser! Ted Schmooze is a real ladies' man. And the Holy Cruzader not only knows the mind of God, he speaks for Him too! However the noted Bible expert Donald Trump is not convinced, pointing out that Lyin' Ted "holds up the Bible and then he lies." And as we all know The Donald is an expert at holding up the Bible and lying!

After Trump insulted his wife and defamed his father, Two-Faced Ted came crawling back to lick Trump's boots. The Cruz Controller even joined Don the Con in inciting an armed mob's assault on the nation's Capitol building. Will voters hand Seditionist Ted his walking papers at his next election?

Now we have the continuing saga of Ted and Heidi Cruz’s excellent Cancún adventure ... It turns out that the Cancún Cruzer was not forced to chaperone his daughters after all, because Heidi Cruz texted neighbors that the Cruzes were FREEZING in all caps and were going to stay at the Cancún Ritz Carlton for the weekend, not just long enough for Terrible Ted to get his daughters to warmer climes and fly back immediately to be with his constituents.

When the going gets tough, Ted Cruz gets going ... to the warmth and safety of the Cancún Ritz Carlton! — Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Ted Cruz Limericks

There once was a senator, Cruz,
whose whole life was one pus-oozing schmooze.
When Trump called his wife ugly,
Cruz brown-nosed him smugly,
then went on a sweet Cancún cruise!
—Michael R. Burch aka “The Loyal Opposition”

There once was an anchor babe, Cruz,
whose deployment was Castro’s bold ruse.
Now the revenge of Fidel
has worked out quite well
as Ted Schmooze bombs us from his caboose.
—Michael R. Burch aka “The Loyal Opposition”

There was a Canadian, Cruz,
an anchor babe with a bold ruse:
he’d take Texas first
and then do his worst
to infect the whole world with his views.
—Michael R. Burch aka “The Loyal Opposition”

The Top Ten Ted Cruz Jokes, Plus a Few

Ted Cruz is clinging to Trump like a limpet to an oil tanker, hoping to suck up his votes when Trump eventually sinks.―Bobby Jindal
“I took LSD in my youth, and it didn’t prepare me for him,” Lewis Black said of Cruz, before comparing him to Joe McCarthy.
“Ted Cruz is a [comedy] gold mine.―Lewis Black
Senator Ted Cruz was born in Canada, so while we were worried about Iran, China, and North Korea, a Canadian shut down the U.S. Government. Well played, Canada.―Seth Meyers
People are questioning if Ted Cruz can legally run for president because he was born in Canada. And the last thing we want to do is pave the way for a President Bieber.―Conan O'Brien
Ted Cruz is half Canadian and half Cuban. The wit of Justin Bieber combined with the people skills of Scarface.―Bill Maher
Yesterday presidential candidate Ted Cruz said that he will in fact be signing up for Obamacare despite saying earlier that he wants to repeal every word of it.―Jimmy Fallon 
It's a good thing he's signing up, because Cruz just went to the hospital in hypocritical condition.―Jimmy Fallon
Ted Cruz has compared his denial of climate change to the intellectual courage of Galileo. Someone should probably remind him that Galileo turned out to be correct.―Michael R. Burch
We have Donald Trump and Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham all running for president. It's all part of the Republican plan to make Jeb Bush look presidential.―David Letterman
Maybe Ted Cruz is the leader that America needs. He's the first person in recent memory who’s been able to unite people of both parties, in their hatred of him.―Trevor Noah
Ted Cruz released a presidential campaign video in Spanish. Cruz explained, "It's important for me to reach out to the people I'm trying to deport."―Conan O'Brien
Ted Cruz is like the chocoholic who, having been told that one small square of dark chocolate can be good for the heart, guzzles down gallons of chocolate syrup, pouring it on everything he eats. He takes every conservative idea to absurd extremes.―Michael R. Burch

There are more Ted Cruz jokes a bit further down on this page.

Ted Cruz Puns

Ted Cruz announced that he will run for president in 2016. So finally, Carnival is no longer the most dangerous cruise in America.―Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump has promised to make America great again. Ted Cruz, on the other hand, has already made America grate again.―Michael R. Burch
Thanks to politicians like George W. Bush, Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann and Terrible Ted Cruz, we now have a duh-mock-racy.―Michael R. Burch
The Republican party is Cruzing for a bruising.―Michael R. Burch
The most popular Ted Cruz pun is "Cruz control," which has been used by Bloomberg, Breitbart, Fox News, Huffington Post, MSNBC, Politico, Real Clear Politics, TIME, and The Washington Times.
The puns "Cruz missile" and "Cruz out of control" has been used by Hardball.
The pun "Ted's Excellent Adventure" has been used by MSNBC.
The pun "Right Said Ted" and "Better off Ted" have been used by the Martin Bashir show.
The pun "Cruz in for a bruisin'" has been used by Huffington Post.
According to Donald Trump, since Ted Cruz was born in Canada, he can be borne back to Canada and run for prime minister if he wants to be top dog.―Michael R. Burch
The Cruz Controller will push the pedal to the metal and give American dummies a crash course in bad driving.—Michael R. Burch
The GOP's problem in a nut-shell is that all its presidential candidates are nuts: Trump, Cruz, Carson, Rubio ... No, wait, I take it back ... George Pataki may not be completely crazy. And that's why he has such appeal for the saner Republican voters: all 0.6% of them!―Michael R. Burch

The Top Ten Ted Cruz Nicknames, Plus a Few

Cancun Cruz
The Cancun Cruzer
Lyin' Ted (by Donald Trump: "He holds up the Bible and then he lies.")
Flyin' Ted and Flying Ted (after he flew to Cancun for a tropical vacation while his constituents were freezing and dying)
Terrible Ted Cruz
The Holy Cruzader (by Michael R. Burch)
The Cruz Controller (by Michael R. Burch)
Ted Schmooze (by Michael R. Burch)
Ted "the Ooze" Cruz (by Michael R. Burch)
El Presidente
"The Face of God" (by Heidi Cruz, the wife of Ted Cruz)
Wacko Bird (by John McCain)
Proud Wacko Bird (by Ted Cruz himself)
Felito (his childhood nickname can be interpreted as "Little Fidel" since Felito is a diminutive form of Felix, which means "fidelity")
Fidelo (his father fought with Fidel Castro; is Ted Cruz part of Castro's revenge for the Bay of Pigs?)
Castro's Revenge (ditto)
Cohiba (a brand of Cuban cigars was Cruz's odd choice for his Secret Service code name, and it sounds suspiciously like "Cuba")

Dis-Honorable Mention: Fat Dracula (Michael Che of SNL), Teddy Bare (because Cruz allegedly "cruzed" the halls of a college dorm in a paisley robe, trying to score), the Calgary Flame (ditto)

Terrible Ted Cruz has been called “diabolical,” “evil,” “Lucifer in the flesh,” a “slimy, burrowing, repulsive animal,” a “fish-faced horseshit salesman,” “reptilian,” a “prized heifer,” a “sneaky little weasel,” a “Texas sidewinder” and a “human cobra”.... and that was just in one week!

Who is Ted Cruz?

Ted Cruz has attempted to shut down the U.S. government over Obamacare. He wants a flat tax that would shift even more of our nation's tax burden from the super-rich to the poor and middle classes. He wants to abolish the IRS, which would give rich tax dodgers even more of a field day. He opposes raising the minimum wage. He opposes a woman's right to choose. He opposes the Iran peace deal. He traveled to Kentucky to support Kim Davis when she refused to issue marriage licenses to gay couples. Ted Cruz is the son of Rafael Cruz, a politically-connected pastor who told a 2013 Family Leadership Summit that same-sex marriage was a government plot to "destroy the family." Cruz and his father appeared together at the National Religious Liberties Conference, an event hosted by pastor Kevin Swanson, who has called for the punishment of homosexuals by death unless they "repent" and "convert." Father and son traveled to Bob Jones University in South Carolina to join a Rally for Religious Liberty where one of the speakers was Tony Perkins, who has called LGBT activists "hateful" and "pawns" of the devil. Ted Cruz recently promised to "utterly destroy" ISIS by "carpet bombing" the land until the sand "glows," which sounds like carpet bombing with nukes. How many women and children would Mr. Cruz Missile cause to suffer and die? When did carpet bombing win a war in modern times? Did it work in Vietnam? How did "shock and awe" turn out in Iraq? Oh yes, it led to the rise of ISIS. Albert Einstein defined insanity as doing the same things over and over, hoping for different results. By Einstein's definition, Mr. Cruz Missile and his ilk are certifiable.

Holy Cruzaders!

Rafael Cruz, the Holy Cruzader of American politics, has been surrounded by the Knights in Shining Armor of his own militaristic Church. On one front we have Sir Sarah Palin charging in like Joan d'Arc on a white steed crying "Hallelujah!" to join forces with The Donald's Dauphin. On another we have the gallant but geriatric Sir Bob Dole appearing like Gandalf the Grey after a long absence to warn unwary Hobbits of the imminent dangers of Sauron. Sir Orrin Hatch even made an appearance—was it from beyond the grave? Meanwhile, making final last-second preparations for the looming initial skirmish, Sir Terry Branstad just warned his ranks that if the Cruzaders win, they will ruthlessly and pitilessly steal corn from Iowan babies' cribs. Elsewhere the other Knights of the Rotund Table are girding for battle, barbeques and pot-luck dinners: the steely Sir John McCain, the portly Sir Chris Christie, the fey and quixotic Sir Rand Paul, the Shrek-like Sir Jeb Bush ... there are even rumors that the ever-formidable Bishop Willard Mitt Romney may return, freshly shaved and manicured, to save the day! But who, oh who can pull Excalibur from the stone, proving his worthiness to lead the advance against the Black Knight? It seems like the chaotic set of a low-budget Monty Python spoof about the Crusades. Or perhaps it's more like Dr. Frankenstein trying to abort the monster he created before it destroys the lab, then wheels on the pretty little white-picketed villages below.

Filly Buster

Ted Cruz gave a 21-hour speech during which he read Dr. Seuss, did an impression of Darth Vader and admitted his love for White Castle. I'm not sure what Cruz was arguing for, but I'm guessing legalizing weed.―Seth Meyers
Ted Cruz is trying to stop Obamacare and he vowed to keep speaking until he is no longer able to stand. And the good news: If he collapses from exhaustion he'll be covered under Obamacare.―Jay Leno
Ted Cruz gets ahold of the microphone on the floor of the Senate and he starts yakking for 21 hours. I'm telling you, that government shutdown certainly looks pretty good now, doesn't it?―David Letterman
We are actually headed toward a government shutdown, but if that's what it takes to get Ted Cruz off my TV, I am all for it.―Bill Maher
Ted Cruz talked for 21 hours in a fake filibuster, or as I call it, the vagina monologue. 21 hours? I kept saying, 'Where is Kanye West when you need him?'―Bill Maher
At one point Ted Cruz takes out Green Eggs and Ham. He reads a kiddy book. The message he was sending there, I think, is that Obamacare will only cover visits to Dr. Seuss.―David Letterman
Well, that's easy for you to take that kind of physical risk: you've got government health care.―Jon Stewart
The leader in this movement to defund Obamacare is Ted Cruz, the senator from Texas. He said, 'I will do anything and everything possible to defund Obamacare.' Really, how about lighting yourself on fire?―Bill Maher
After 16 days the government shutdown is over. Right now a devastated Ted Cruz is filibustering a squirrel on the lawn of the Capitol building.―Jimmy Kimmel
So to express your opposition to Obamacare, you go to the book about a stubborn jerk who decides he hates something before he’s tried it, and when he finally gets a taste, he has to admit after he's tasted it, 'This is pretty f**king good.'―Jon Stewart

More Ted Cruz Jokes

There were some people heckling Ted Cruz, and he accused them of being paid political operatives helping President Obama. Ted, don't you get it, you're the paid political operative helping President Obama.―Bill Maher
Fourteen people just lost their lives in a shooting and Ted Cruz's first thought is: 'That reminds me—gotta send out invites to my gun party.' That seems like something you'd only do if you were an asshole.―Trevor Noah
Ted Cruz isn't crazy; he's much worse. He does awful things by intelligent design.―Jeb Lund, in Rolling Stone
Ted Cruz wants to abolish the IRS and repeal "every single word" of Obamacare. He also wants to part the Red Sea, capture the Abominable Snowman, and walk on the moon.―Michael R. Burch
Ted Cruz was "widely loathed" in college. Being loathed is his "superpower."―Craig Mazin, who roomed with Cruz when they were college freshmen
Now the entire nation can experience my noxious freshman year dorm room experience.―Craig Mazin
Think how strange it is: Ted Cruz picked a vice president. That doesn’t make sense, because serial killers always work alone.—Larry Wilmore
Ted Cruz appears to be the long-lost son of Paul Bearer, the funeral parlor "manager" of the Undertaker. He looks like death warmed over and his policies are.―Michael R. Burch
We are basically one month away from Cruz holding his own Republican National Convention at the Hooters in Texas.―James Corden 
Ted Cruz has threatened to introduce Iran's supreme leader to the 72 virgins, but perhaps he should save one for himself because it's hard to believe that he's ever been laid.―Michael R. Burch
During a speech on Friday, Senator Ted Cruz said that if you walk up to someone and say Joe Biden, the person will crack up laughing. Which is the same reaction you get if you say President Ted Cruz.―Seth Meyers
Ted Cruz said recently that in the 36 hours after he announced that he's running for president, he's raised over a million dollars. And Hillary Clinton closed her checkbook and said, "Happy to help. Can't wait."―Jimmy Fallon
Texas Senator Ted Cruz officially announced that he's running for president. Cruz said that after doing exhaustive research to see if he had a real chance to win, he said, "I'm gonna run anyway."―Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump is an equal opportunity birther, questioning not only President Obama's citizenship, but Ted Cruz's as well.―Michael R. Burch
Ted Cruz's victory last night raises a lot of questions, like one: 'Can he keep this momentum going into New Hampshire?' And two: 'Just how much does it cost to move to Canada?'―James Corden
Ted Cruz, like his better-looking but equally wacky brother Tom Cruise, likes to take on impossible missions. Right now Ted's is trying to pass for a human being.―Michael R. Burch
After years of bashing Obamacare, tea party candidate Ted Cruz just signed up for it. And next week he plans to get gay married at Planned Parenthood.―Conan O'Brien
Tea party candidate Ted Cruz, Republican senator from Texas, wants to be president. That means he's one step closer to being a Fox News analyst.―David Letterman
A lot of Republicans consider him the worst Cruz, and that includes the Poop Cruise.―Trevor Noah
Texas senator and tea party favorite Ted Cruz announced he's running for president. He pledged to lead America boldly forward into the 1950s.―Conan O'Brien
Ted Cruz stole the slogan "Make America Great Again" from Donald Trump (but that's okay because Trump stole it from Ronald Reagan).―Michael R. Burch
Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced he is running for president. Ted Cruz was born in Canada, his father fled to the United States from Cuba, and yet Ted Cruz is against immigration. Isn't that odd?―David Letterman
Ted Cruz could be president of the United States. If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before…"―David Letterman
Ted Cruz is the first candidate to enter the 2016 presidential race. Announcing your candidacy before everyone else is kind of like being the first celebrity to show up on the red carpet at the Oscars. It's not a great thing."―Jimmy Kimmel
Ted Cruz has officially announced that he is running for president. But if you see a T-shirt that says 'Ted Cruz 2016,' those aren’t election shirts. That’s just how old he thinks the Earth is."―Seth Meyers
Republican Congressman Peter King called Ted Cruz a carnival barker. That is such an insult to carnival barkers.―David Letterman
Ted Cruz said today that if elected president, he'll tell the truth and do what he said he'd do. And guys, I know we've been burned 44 times on this, but I have a good feeling about this guy."―Seth Meyers
Ted Cruz is the first official candidate for the 2016 presidential election. As history has shown, the first declared candidate always goes on to win the election―except in 2012, 2008, 2004, 2000, 1996, 1992, 1988…"―David Letterman
Ted Cruz was furious that the big storm back east shut down the government. He said, 'That's my job!' But you know, there is a big difference between Ted Cruz and snow. Both are white and everyone’s sick of them― but eventually snow goes away.―Bill Maher
President Obama said the day after the budget deal is made he's going to concentrate on immigration. He says he'll start by deporting Ted Cruz.―Conan O'Brien
Senator Ted Cruz announced he's donating his paycheck during the shutdown to charity. Well, the charity is called Ted Cruz for President."―Conan O'Brien
Ted Cruz reminds me of Miley Cyrus because he is not afraid to incur the wrath of even some of his fans for the greater good of drawing attention to himself. I really think a filibuster is the political version of twerking.―Bill Maher
This Ted Cruz guy, he incurred the wrath of his own party. They don't like him. Democrats hate him. Independents hate him. Republicans hate him. Even Miley Cyrus: he's the one guy she refuses to lick.―Bill Maher
Hispanic Senator Ted Cruz, who is fighting the immigration bill, described himself as Obama-phobic. You know you have Obama phobia if you'll deport immigrants even though your last name is Cruz.―Conan O'Brien  

Top Ten Jokes on American Voters

(10) Donald Trump claims to have "seen" people leaping from the Twin Towers, from four miles away, though a thick curtain of smoke: just one of his many superpowers!
(9) Trump insists that he saw "thousands and thousands" of American Muslims celebrating the 9-11 attacks on TV. But where are the clips? Why do the networks, reporters, police, mayors and governors all insist it never happened?
(8) Trump claims to love "the blacks" and "the Hispanics" and he insists they love him in return. Ha! Study the underwater polls, Donald Denial.
(7) Tough-talking Republican presidential candidates recently became quivering bundles of fear, insisting that the earth's most powerful nation cannot provide shelter even to widows and orphans. [?]
(6) How can they claim to be able to stare down Mr. Putin when they quiver in fear at the sight of Syrian toddlers?
(5) Herr Trump threatened to throw out the Constitution, Bill of Rights, common sense and decency, insisting that "security must rule" and "unthinkable" things must be done, in the form of Nazi police state policies.
(4) Herr Trump would also create a new, larger Holocaust by rounding up and deporting 11 million people without due process, including children who are American citizens according to the 14th Amendment.
(3) Ben Carson trumped the Teflon Don by saying he would order drones to bomb caves where illegal immigrants hide: "One drone strike, BOOM!, and they'd be gone."
(2) Donald Trump upped the racist ante by saying that as Command-in-Chief of the US military, he would "take out" women and children and make them "suffer" in "retribution" for acts of terrorism by other people.
(1) Ted Cruz trumped the Trump of Doom by saying he would "utterly destroy" ISIS by "carpet bombing" with nukes until the sands "glowed," killing god-knows-how-many women and children in the process.

Get with the Program Pogrom, Lefties!

C'm'on lefties! Admit that Donald Trump has been very tough on China. He has been especially tough on Chinese kids who slave away in sweatboxes, making his menswear. He has also been incredibly tough on Hispanic kids. He will be even tougher on the Syrian kids he says we must "take out" (murder!) in order to win the war on terror. No wonder he's the idol of white supremacists everywhere! What a tough guy, what a Putin-like strongman, what a steely-eye hero, making sure that Syrian toddlers don't overthrow our vaunted armed forces in one of the great military coups of all time! Get with the program pogrom, you bleeding-heart lefties! Surely you know that Jesus Christ would have gone Rambo, grabbed his assault weapon and made damn sure that no Syrian babe or widowed mother ever received shelter on these Christian shores! Are you insane like President Obama to suggest that Americans should have the courage to show compassion to unfortunate people who are not Christians? (And please, please, please don't remind us about the parable of the Good Samaritan!)―Michael R. Burch

Things that go bump in the night
fill Herr Trump with irrational fright;
his brain hits the skids;
he barks, "Take out kids!"
Where's his self-alleged "courage" and "might"?
Is cowardice Trump's kryptonite?
— Michael R. Burch

Trump's latest idea to "make American great again" is a real doozy that puts him in the same category as Herr Hitler. Herr Trump recently insisted three times that the world's most powerful nation must wage war on women and children, "taking them out" like pawns in a game of incredibly bloody chess. Asked during a Fox News interview about civilian casualties in the war on  terror, Trump replied: "We're fighting a very politically correct war [by trying to avoid harming civilians] ... And the other thing is with the terrorists, you have to take out their families. When you get these terrorists, you have to take out their families. They care about their lives, don't kid yourself. But they say they don't care about their lives. You have to take out their families." (As William Finnegan pointed out in an article for The New Yorker, "Even Slobodan Milosevic knew better than to talk like that in public.") According to Herr Trump it is "politically correct" (i.e., very bad) to try to avoid killing women and children, and the best way to "win" the war on terror is to become serial killers of women and children ourselves! Herr Trump, welcome to the club that includes Hitler, Stalin, Mao Zedong, Pol Pot, Idi Amin, Ivan the Terrible, Attila the Hun and Genghis Khan! How proud Americans will be when as Commander-in-Chief you order our highly-skilled professional soldiers to "take out" women and children! What a tough guy, what a hero, what a leader of men! Sieg Heil, Herr Trump!

A pale neo-Nazi, Herr Trump,
screamed "Take them out!" at the stump:
"Mothers and kiddies!
Grandpappies, old biddies!
Just blow up the whole damn dump!"
— Michael R. Burch

Trump claims that the majority of Syrian refugees are "young, strong" men and suggests dark reasons for this anomaly. But in reality, as one would expect if one were rational, the majority of Syrian refugees are women and children. Even if Trump is correct that Americans must become abject cowards and not allow any adult Syrian men to enter our shores, still there is no sane reason to deny asylum to widows and orphans. Trump seems to lack courage, compassion, wisdom, common sense and any concept of boundaries, like another high-energy hysteric, Adolph Hitler. Sieg Heil, Herr Trump! 

Howard Kurtz recently opined that the GOP's "pipsqueak revolt" against Trump is doomed to fail, because the only person who can defeat Trump for its nomination at this point is Trump himself. Is calling for the U.S. military to "take out" women and children a "bridge too far"? Could this be Trump's Rubicon, his open declaration of treason against American values, from which there is no turning back? Well, one can certainly hope that something derails Herr Trump and his Fourth Reich Express.

Features of Fascism

Fervent, jingoistic nationalism (at Donald Trump's campaign events, one can hear people chanting "USA! USA! USA!" in the background).
The idea that security is more important than individual human rights and freedoms (Trump recently said that "security must rule" and "unthinkable" things must be done to ensure security).
Scapegoating of minorities (Jews and Gypsies in Nazi Germany; Hispanics, blacks and Muslims in present-day America).
A love of military power, displays of military power, and even glamorization of war itself for the sake of national "honor" and "glory" (have you been to an American football stadium recently?).
A militaristic and highly aggressive foreign policy (the US has been at war almost constantly for more than 100 years).
Rampant chauvinism: the alpha male heterosexual is glorified, while feminism and homosexuality are denigrated and suppressed (the GOP is fiercely anti-feminist and anti-gay).
The mass media is either controlled by the government or sympathizes with it (why are there no acts of Christian terrorism, only acts of Islamic terrorism?).
A "sophisticated apparatus for systematically propagandizing the population" into accepting fascist values and ideas (Fox News, or, more correctly, Faux News). 
Fear is used to motivate and control the public (the GOP's main political strategy for eight years has been to frighten Americans into believing that Barack Obama is a socialist, not American, not Christian, etc.).
The most common religion is favored by the government and used to manipulate public opinion (all the Republican presidential candidates pander to Christians on abortion, homosexuality, Israel, etc.).
Corporate power is protected, because corporate donations help politicians get elected (Super-PACs are dominating American politics).
Labor unions are either eliminated or suppressed (Republican presidential candidates have bragged about bullying unions, even teachers' unions).
Disdain for intellectuals and the arts (American conservatives frequently oppose government aid for the arts).
Obsession with crime and punishment (Trump recently insisted that the US military should hunt down the wives and children of dead terrorists and "take them out" or make them "suffer" for purposes of "retribution").
A demand for everyone to conform to the same narrow image (white Christians are good; everyone else is suspect and dangerous).
Intolerance for diversity (Christianity is good; different beliefs and cultures are suspect and dangerous).
Social and economic Darwinism: the idea that the rich and powerful have the "right" to take advantage of the poor and weak; in other words, the law of the jungle (conservatives have equated Obamacare with slavery and communism). 
Rampant cronyism and corruption (the war with Iraq is a recent American example).
Fascists often seek to rig elections (recently in the US, there have been many attempts by Republicans to keep minorities from voting).
Robert Paxton mentioned fascism's "obsessive preoccupation with community decline, humiliation or victimhood" and "compensatory cults of unity, energy and purity" (Trump speaks constantly of decline and energy).
Kevin Passmore defined fascism as a movement of the extreme, radical right (Trump, Cruz, Carson, Romney, Ryan, Santorum, George W. Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Palin, Bachmann, McCain ... need I say more?)

More Theater of the Absurd
by Michael R. Burch
Ted Cruz, in Salem?
Warlocks, beware!
Brush back the forelock,
practice a Christian air.
When hymns commence,
descend, feigning prayer.
Signs say he's “Trusted”
but the Trump of Doom
moans in the distance
this disconsolate tune:
“O, Canada! More orphans?
We're plumb out of room!”
Kids accept flags
from red-clad mounties.
Witch-hunters pray prey
will yield lovely bounties.
The circus goes on ...
for counties and counties.

Note: This poem is based on a report and tweet by Reid J. Epstein of the Wall Street Journal that while Ted Cruz was speaking in Salem, New Hampshire, two men dressed as Canadian Mounties were handing out Canadian flags superimposed with Cruz’s image. Meanwhile, images of Cruz looking like a warlock and the Antichrist in an OMEN movie were circulating on the Internet.


Like Hitler, Trump appeals to angry and embittered white supremacists who see themselves as "supermen" compared to people of color and other religions. Never mind that these "supermen" are easily deceived sheep in wolves' clothing. Never mind that they are unwise enough to put their faith in high-energy hysterics like Hitler and Trump. Never mind that they have been brainwashed with racist propaganda. None of this matters to herd animals who mindlessly mill about, bellowing with fear and rage, always willing to follow the asses ahead of them in times of panic. The hope for America is that they do not constitute the majority of voters in the 2016 election. The danger is that the Democratic candidate will make some terrible mistake that makes someone like Trump, Carson or Cruz seem like "the lesser of two evils."

Sarah Palin told an amusing joke recently when she claimed that "Jesus would fight for our Second Amendment." She seems to have missed the fact that according to the Bible, Jesus never "carried" a sword himself and never "fought" anyone even when his own life was at stake. When Peter used a sword to defend him, Jesus told him to put it away. Palin seems to have confused Jesus with Rambo.

The best Ben Carson joke so far is that he has been "much more strenuously vetted" than President Obama ever was. Why does Carson appear to be constantly misinformed? Probably because he gets his "facts" from Faux News.

Carson has joined Trump in stereotyping Muslim refugees, comparing them to a "rabid dog" in the neighborhood. According to Carson we should engage our intellects when we see a rabid dog. But if I see a rabid dog, should I jump to the conclusion that all dogs have rabies? That seems to be the "intellectual" process that takes place when right-wing wackos see Muslims. They don't want to be bothered by the fact that if one in a million dogs has rabies, there is no need to deport or quarantine all dogs. Rather, we should watch for aberrant behavior in individual dogs and single them out for special attention.

A common joke that Trump and Carson share is the bitterness of their complaints when the media quotes what they have said publicly. Trump accused Megyn Kelly of "unfairness" for quoting his public insults of women. Carson claims that he is being treated far less fairly than President Obama when for the most part the media is just quoting what he said himself. How is that "unfair" considering the intense public scrutiny of Democrats like Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and President Obama? It seems the pot is calling the kettle black, since Republicans have been at the forefront of the investigations of Democrats. I am reminded of the bully who whines and sniffles when he gets his nose bloodied by someone willing to trade blows with him.

Another endlessly amusing Ben Carson joke is the one about him being ready to become president of the United States. He obviously subscribes to zany conspiracy theories and is woefully weak on foreign policy. The latter was recently confirmed by one of his advisers: "Nobody has been able to sit down with him and have him get one iota of intelligent information about the Middle East," Duane R. Clarridge, an adviser to Carson on terrorism and national security, said in an interview. He also said that Carson requires weekly briefings on foreign policy so "we can make him smart." But how can anyone help a man so gullible that he believes the pyramids of Egypt were grain silos, that Obamacare is the "worst thing" to happen to America since slavery (what about the Civil War, World War I, World War II, 9-11, etc.?), that Planned Parenthood was created to eliminate black Americans, and that Jews could have prevented the Holocaust if only they had the right to bear arms (can massively outnumbered civilians armed with revolvers and rifles withstand panzers and fighter planes, when the militaries of powerful nations like France could not?).

Ben Carson is such a crackpot that he would shoot down down a Russian plane if it accidentally violated a U.S.-led no-fly zone over Syria, risking an unnecessary war: "If they violate it, we will, in fact, enforce it. We'll see what happens. For us to always be backing down because we're afraid of a conflict, that's not how we became a great nation." Should our foreign policy be to shoot down planes to "see what happens," really? According to Crazy Ben Carson, the U.S. became a great nation by having a hair trigger and rushing into avoidable wars. Trump and Carson seem to be in a competition to become the biggest, brashest bully on the international block.

Shortly after Carson said that he would shoot down Russian planes to see what happens, Turkey shot down a Russian fighter. Does anyone really think anything good will come of that? But even Mr. Putin recognized the futility of going to war over a mistake in judgment. Rather than attacking Turkey with Russia's powerful military, he banned Russian tourists from entering Turkey, an action that will cost Turkey a lot of money. Putin is wiser than Carson because he recognizes that military actions can cause more problems than they correct.

Trump recently called himself the "most militaristic person on the [debate] stage, despite the presence of Lindsey Graham who wants to put American boots on the ground to fight four wars simultaneously in the Middle East (in Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran and Syria), leaving troops there "for as long as it takes." Jeb Bush is so militaristic that he has hired some of the same neo-con security advisers who recommended that his brother's administration invade Iraq. Ted Cruz has threatened to introduce Iran's supreme leader to the 72 virgins (i.e., to assassinate a head of state). Trump claims to be more militaristic than a screeching bevy of war hawks and also said, "I love the fact that Putin is bombing the hell out of somebody."

And just how "tough" are the Republican presidential candidates, really, if they are terrified of allowing refugee women and children to enter the United States? Chris Christie is intimidated by toddlers: "I don't think orphans under five are being, you know, should be admitted into the United States at this point." But Trump, Carson and Cruz are even more cowardly, as they would ban ALL Syrian refugees, including women, toddlers and babies. How can politicians leap from claiming to be able to stare down Putin, to quivering in abject fear of babies? The bad joke is on us, if we elect them to our nation's highest office.

Another unfunny Trump joke is the one about people being safer if an entire stadium is armed and civilian Rambos start shooting when terrorists attack. Suppose everyone in the Paris stadium had been armed: how many of them would have shot each other in the chaos, having no idea which people firing weapons were terrorists? It would be very dangerous for trained professionals to fire weapons in a crowded stadium, much less civilians. If hundreds or thousands of untrained civilians started shooting, the death count of innocents would surely go up, not down.

Another bad joke is the one in which Trump insists that everyone else must be "nice" to him, while he gets personal and insults anyone he pleases: calling Marco Rubio "weak as a baby" and ridiculing him for sweating during debates, comparing Ben Carson to a child molester, calling Megyn Kelly a "bimbo," and acting as if women should be judged by Trump's estimation of their looks rather than their character and accomplishments. Hell, he even insults entire nations and races, using insensitive terms like "the blacks." He is tone deaf to his lack of sensitivity and defends indefensible insults by saying he's not a slave to "political correctness." But it is not "politically incorrect" to suggest that Rubio is "weak as a baby" or that Carly Fiorina should not be president because of "that face." Such comments are indecent. If a student said such things during class, a good teacher would force him to apologize, then make him sit in the corner until he was ready to act decently. Now it's time for voters to put Trump in permanent "time out" for his indecency. Why permanent? Because his disease is pathological, and as Trump pointed out himself, pathological diseases cannot be cured.

Another amusing joke that Trump tells about himself is the one that his ludicrous pie-in-the-sky is "tough talk" but "common sense talk." Is it "common sense" to arm entire stadiums so that wanna-be Rambos can kill shoot each other in vain attempts to identify and take out terrorists? Is it "common sense" to deport 11 million people, including American citizens, without due process? How about insulting women for not being tens by the Trump gauge, when more than half  the American electorate is female?

Trump is also clearly joking about his ability to predict terrorist attacks. He recently said, "In my book I predicted terrorism because I can feel it. I can feel it like I feel a good location." But this is obviously a bad joke, because Trump never predicted the location of the terrorist attacks on 9-11. He's a very rich man. If he had any inkling that terrorists were about to attack the Twin Towers, he could have hired people to spread the word. But of course he didn't. Therefore, he clearly had no clue about the location of the attacks. 

But surely the biggest Trump-supplied joke is his promise that "We will have so much winning if I get elected, that you may get bored with winning." His campaign anthem should be Heart's "Magic Man." His mascot should be a magician's white rabbit.

One Trump critic has an interesting idea. Rather than trying to mass deport 11 million Hispanics, why not initiate an Operation Trumpback and deport Trump to his family's country of origin, Germany? After all, Germany is currently accepting refugees, and that would be poetic justice (not to mention ridding America of a major nuisance).

According to Conan O'Brien, it's hard to make up jokes about Donald Trump because he's broken through a "crazy barrier" than no one has ever penetrated before. (Well, perhaps Hitler and company.) For instance, Trump recently appeared at an anti-peace-with-Iran rally with Sarah Palin and Ted Cruz. It is difficult to find anything amusing to say about three warmongers who want to destroy another Middle Eastern country over weapons it does not have, in order to "protect" the United States and Israel, which do have nukes and thus are in no real danger of being "destroyed" themselves. Nazi Germany claimed that it was "threatened" by Poland in order to justify its invasion of Poland. But of course Poland posed no real threat to Germany. American and Israeli fascists have used similar fictional "threats" to justify the invasion of Iraq and the pending war with Iran. If there is another war waged on false premises, it will be very difficult to tell jokes about the people who started it. Trump, Palin and Cruz are jokes in that they lack sense. But their cries for an attack on Iran are far from funny.

Related pages: The Best Donald Trump Puns, The Best Donald Trump Insults, Donald Trump Nicknames, Donald Trump's "Muslim Friends", Where Have All the Birthers Gone?, The Best Ted Cruz Jokes, Ted Cruz Nicknames, Is Ted Cruz an Anchor Baby?, Ted Cruz Quotes, Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast

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