The HyperTexts

The Worst Song Lyrics Ever Written

Who wrote the worst song lyrics of all time? I'm a "lyric man." I love good music, but bad lyrics set my teeth on edge. These are, in my opinion, the worst song lyrics of all time, and I will be happy to explain why. I hope you appreciate my sense of humor and penchant for satire. Ironically, some of the best songwriters have written some of the worst lyrics; for instance, Bob Dylan, Paul Simon, Dan Fogelberg, Jim Morrison, Sting, Brian Wilson and Adele.

Categories include Stalker Songs, Ickiest Come-On Songs, Creepy Sex Lyrics, Juvenile Delinquents, Blubbery Baby-Talk, Abundant Redundancy, Hopeless Pretentiousness, White-Bread Rap, Weird Wedding Songs, Blatant Sexism, Gratuitous Rhymes, Mangled Grammar, Tortured Logic, Mind-Numbing Repetition, and Lines that Make Us Go "Eeeew!"

Related Pages: The Most Overrated Songs of All Time, The Songs with the Most Clichés 

The Top Ten Worst Song Lyrics of All Time

(#10) Any song sung (or, more correctly, not sung) by Milli Vanilli; however, they do get one-sixteenth of a gold star for not actually singing their disasters!

(#9) Any numbingly monotonous and endlessly repetitious song by K. C. and the Sunshine Band (which means take your pick from their entire catalog).

(#8) "Ben" by the Jackson Five has the most ludicrous theme of all time, since it's a wildly melodramatic, cliché-ridden love song to a rat. Eeek!

(#7) "Ice, Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice and "Champagne Supernova" by Oasis ... is your tiebreaker a super-inflated ego or supremely grandiloquent lyrics?

(#6) "All I Wanna Do Is Make Love to You" by Heart; all we wanna do is not hear another freakin' cliché! 

(#5) "All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight" by Hank Williams Jr. was male chauvinism's absolute nadir ... until Donald Trump oinked.

(#4) "Having My Baby" by Paul Anka; innocent babies deserve much better than mothers who demonstrate their "love" by providing their eggs to be gratuitously fertilized!

(#3) "My Way" as performed by bad lounge and karaoke acts around the globe: "The record shows that WE took the blows when you sang it your egomaniacal way."

(#2) "MacArthur Park" as performed melodramatically, pretentiously and über-bombastically by Richard Harris. Someone left your brain out in the rain and it got all soggy.

(#1) Paula Cole's stunningly terrible "I Don't Want to Wait" has the single worst song lyric ever penned: "Say a little prayer for I" ... and she sings it over and over and over like a broken record! Shades of Marco Roboto! Someone please inform Ms. PC that grammar checkers are free! We don't want to wait for your song to be over. Now please repeat after me, ten thousand times: "Say a little prayer for me, that I will not make such a fool of myself in public, ever again!"

Paula Cole’s semiliterate “Say a little prayer for I” takes the MacArthur cake for bad songwriting. — Michael R. Burch

Katy Perry's Prism wins the album category for most clichés, with a stunning 226 enumerated by Rich Juzwiak. And it's not just the volume; Perry actually recycles all-time taters like "the eye of the tiger," "under a silver moon," "fresh as a daisy," "running on empty," "walking on air," "the truth will set you free," etc.

The Most Annoying Songs of All Time

(#10) "Let Her Go" by Passenger. This song sounds like it was sung by an inebriated Hobbit.

(#9) "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion. Your heart may go on, but can the song please stop?

(#8) "Barbie Girl" by Aqua. Even Ken cringes when he hears this song.

(#7) "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt. Bluntly speaking, you suck. Go back to bagging groceries for a living, please!

(#6) "MMMbop" by Hanson. MMM ... stop!

(#5) "Friday" by Rebecca Black. This song takes the TGIF out of Friday by making us want Thursday to last forever.

(#4) "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin. Don't worry, be sappy. I have plenty to worry about, especially finding the mute button when this song comes on!

(#3) "Who Let the Dogs Out" by the Baha Men. Who let these dogs in the studio to record?

(#2) "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)" by Rupert Holmes. How can we escape this ever-fresh hell?

(#1) "I Write the Songs" by Barry Manilow. A song he didn't even write, sheesh! Whatever happened to truth in advertising? Please cancel this ode to plagiarism!

Dishonorable Mention

Anything sung by a "boy band" but especially Duran Duran, Backstreet Boys, 'NSync, One Direction, Menudo, LFO, The Osmonds, Hanson and the Jonas Brothers.

Speaking of boy bands, the early Beatles were incredibly annoying: "Love Me Do," "She Loves You," "I Want to Hold Your Hand," "Can't Buy Me Love," "Please Please Me," etc.

Early girl bands could be equally annoying: "Leader of the Pack," "He's So Fine," "Stop in the Name of Love" ... Yes, please, in the name of Love, do stop! IMMEDIATELY!

Karaoke versions of "My Way." The song is cheesy enough when sung by someone with actual accomplishments, like Sinatra or Elvis. If they can't pull it off, how the hell can you?

Anything sung by a chipmunk, hamster, frog, duck, chicken, gummy bear, Muppet, puppet, cartoon character, etc. ... or with the aid of helium ... or by anyone wearing a thong!

Anything Miley Cyrus sings in her skimpy undies, in an attempt to distract us from the insipid lyrics. If you have to sing in your underwear, the song is obviously lacking.

"Achy Breaky Heart" by Billy Ray Cyrus. Like annoying father, like annoying daughter, apparently.

If you're singing karaoke, you quite obviously do not have "Moves Like Jagger" (nor his musicality, vocal cords, range, charisma, swag, vast fortune, sex life, etc.).

"Believe" by Cher was the first auto-tuned hit. That is sufficient reason to despise it. And gay men who fawn over Cher? Really? Shouldn't you have much better taste in fashion and music? Aren't you in the same unglamorous position as nondescript Sonny Bono?

Songs in which adult singers descend into baby talk or, more accurately, baby babble. I have a special category for babyish blubberers below. But for now, just think nauseously of James Arthur, Ed Sheeran, Lukas Graham, Sia, Taylor Swift, Donny Osmond, Justin Bieber, Nicki Minaj and Zayn.

"Thong Song" by Sisqo. Odes to underwear? Thongs are not the thing to sing! Keep them in your closet, please.

"My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas. The only thing worse than an ode to thongs is one to "lovely lady lumps"!

"What's New Pussycat" by Sir Tom Jones has an annoying title, annoying lyrics and an annoying theme. They should take away his knighthood for this song!

"We Built this City" by Starship. Tear it down and start over again. Immediately. This is the most annoying song of all time, according to Mental Floss.

"Bread and Butter" by the Newbeats involves constant screaming that "I like bread and butter, I like toast and jam."

"I Want Candy" by the Strangeloves. Yes, the Strangeloves have a strange love for candy. Does anyone really care? Is this song a blatant rip-off of "Bread and Butter" or is it the other way around? Does anyone really care?

"Disco Duck" by Rick Dee and His Cast of Idiots is like a bad joke that keeps getting repeated over and over again, or like the fruitcake that no one wants to eat that keeps turning up at Christmastime.

Do you remember the scene in Animal House where Stephen Bishop is strumming a guitar and crooning "I Gave My Love a Cherry" to a group of starry-eyed co-eds? A toga-clad Bluto, played by John Belushi, does what we would all secretly love to do when confronted by nerdy would-be love gods singing sappy songs in hopes of getting laid. Bluto grabs the guitar and smashes it to pieces. And who can blame him, because Stephen Bishop did go "On and On," if you'll pardon the pun. It was great casting, because Bishop has to be one of the most annoying singers of all time. But the frontrunner in this dismal category is Rupert Holmes for "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)" and for simply existing. It's hard to think of anyone ever topping Holmes in annoyingness (or, more correctly, ever bottoming out below him). But the insurmountability of the task hasn't stopped other singers from doing their best (or worst) to join the Mile Low Club. For example: Morris Albert ("Feelings"), The Captain and Tennille ("Muskrat Love"), Minnie Riperton ("Loving You"), Terry Jacks ("Seasons in the Sun"), Debby Boone ("You Light Up My Life"), Christopher Cross ("Sailing"), the Beach Boys ("Kokomo") and Rod Stewart ("Do Ya Think I'm Sexy"). No, we don't think wrinkly grandpa love is "sexy." We think you're a superannuated Stephen Bishop with a terrible perm! Now please go soak your dentures!

Barry Manilow is by far the most prolific of annoying singers, with a long string of musical annoyances: "I Write the Songs," "Copacabana," "Can't Smile Without You," "Looks Like We Made It," "Weekend in New England," "Even Now," "Could It Be Magic," "It's a Miracle," etc. (The real miracle is that anyone pays good money to listen to such bad songs.) Although he may have a smidgen of talent, no singer-songwriter has ever been more consistently annoying that Manilow. Thus he takes the all-time soggy angel fluff cake, over Rupert Holmes, Stephen Bishop and company. But someone really should smash all their guitars, or at the very least lock them up permanently!

"We Built this City" by Starship. Tear it down and start over, with lots of sound insulation!

"Livin' La Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin. Change the "a" in "Loca" to an "o" if you bought this song.

"Rock the Boat" by the Hues Corporation. Please do tip this leaky boat over!

"Party All the Time" by Eddie Murphy. Eddie, please party in absolute silence. You are no singer!

"Gucci Gang" by Lil Pump. Lil Pump repeats the term "Gucci Gang" 53 times as heads explode right and left.

"Despacito" by Luis Fonsi feat. Justin Bieber. "Despacito" means "slowly" but I'm in a hurry to find the OFF button.

"Let It Go" by Idina Menzel. We are all in agreement about this song: Let it go and never play it again!

"Fancy" by Iggy Azalea. What we fancy in this case is silence. Unbroken silence for the rest of your career!

"Wannabe" by the Spice Girls. We wannabe compensated for having to listen to this song!

"I Whip My Hair" by Willow Smith. Why not just tease it, like normal people?

"Friday" by Rebecca Black is one of the most hated songs of all time.

"Baby Shark Dance" is incredibly annoying and it has 13 billion views on YouTube. Am I the only sane person left on this planet?

"Karma Chameleon" by Boy George and Culture Club with its endless repetition of "Karma, Karma, Karma Karma, Karma, Karma chameleon. Where is Karma when we need it to end such unnecessary torture?

"I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" by the Proclaimers. (I proclaim that you're gonna be 500 miles in orbit if I have to listen to this song one more time!)

"The Joker" by the Steve Miller Band is bad enough. He's a joker, he's a toker. We think lyrics can go no lower. Then we get to the execrable "Some people call me Maurice / 'Cause I speak of the pompitous of love."

"De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da" by The Police. Just the title is annoying, never mind the song.

"Blue (Da Ba Dee)" by Eiffel 65 is another song with an annoying title. Just the title makes me blue. And is there a typo in credits? Should it be Awful 65? Were the songwriters 65 and suffering from memory loss, forcing them to resort to babble because they could no longer remember actual words?

"Macarena" by Los Del Rio.
"Ppap" by Pikataro.
"Baby" by Justin Bieber.
"Cotton Eye Joe" by Rednex
"Yakety Yak" by the Coasters.
"Mambo No. 5" by Lou Bega
"Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen.
"Honey, I'm Good" by Andy Grammer
"I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred.
"Anaconda" by Nicki Minaj.
"Cheerleader" by OMI.
"Photograph" by Nickelback.
"Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke.
"Tubthumping" by Chumbawumba.
"You Raise Me Up" by Westlife.
"Wind Beneath My Wings" by Bette Midler.
"I Will Always Love You" by Dolly Parton and Whitney Houston.
"Happy" by Pharrell Williams.
"Afternoon Delight" by Starland Vocal Band.
"Ice, Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice.
"Champagne Supernova" by Oasis.
"Copacabana" by Barry Manilow.
"Mahna Mahna" by the Muppets.
"Crazy Frog" by Axel F.
"Take My Breath Away" by Berlin.
"Final Countdown" by Europe.
"Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor.
"Tequila" by the Champs.
"One Week" by Barenaked Ladies.
"Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by George Michael and Wham!
"Ice, Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice

The All-Time Worst Lines in Popular Songs

" [We] were pressed / in love's hot, fevered iron / like a striped pair of pants." (Richard Harris emoting on "MacArthur Park" is like Trump modeling Speedos.)
"Caught beneath the landslide in a champagne supernova in the sky." (Oasis delivers the most overblown lyrics since "MacArthur Park.")
"I love you red solo cup, / I lift you up." (Yet another country song inspired by a severe drinking problem, Toby Keith?)
Get you love-drunk off my hump / my hump, my hump, my hump ... my lovely little lumps." (Someone please give the Black Eyed Peas a lumpectomy, stat!)
"T to the A to the S T E Y, / girl you tasty." (Fergie and Will.i.am should obviously avoid spelling bees. And writing songs.)
"Should've known you was trouble / from the first kiss. / Had your eyes wide open. / Why were they open? (Hypocrite! Why were your eyes open, Bruno Mars?)
"I ain't the worst that you've seen, / oh, can't you see what I mean? / Might as well jump! (Au contraire, David Lee Roth, you are the worst we've seen. Vamoose!)
"Come on baby don't be afraid, / if it wasn't for date rape I'd never get laid. (Sublime should change its name to Slime.)
"I'm a joker, / I'm a smoker, / I'm a midnight toker." (Steve Miller sure knows how to impress the ladies!)
"Some people call me Maurice / 'Cause I speak of the pompitous of love." (Steve Miller's "The Joker" is a cosmic joke ... on us.)
"Now you get to watch her leave out the window / Guess that's why they call it window pane." (Eminem, the real pain is your abysmal pun!)
"I've got soul, but I’m not a soldier." (At least Eminem has company, thanks to the Killers.)
"I don't like cities but I like New York; / other places make me feel like a dork." (Madonna outs her inner nerd in "I Love New York.")
"She'll think I'm Superman / not super minivan. / How could you leave on Yom Kippur?" (Not even a gratuitous holy day reference can save this Train-wreck!)
"Your lipstick stains / on the front lobe of my left-side brains." (Train's lead singer has multiple expose brains. Or his lover is a brain surgeon.)
"Only time will tell if we stand the test of time." (Only fools rush into such redundant lyrics, Van Halen!)
"I'm living right next door to an angel / and she only lives a house away." (Et tu, Neil Sedaka?)
"Empty spaces fill me up with holes." (Is this a love song or a recipe for making Swiss cheese, Backstreet Boys?)
"Zip your lips like a padlock." (Ke$ha obviously has no idea what a padlock is, or how it operates.)
"When it Waynes, it pours." (It does indeed, Lil Wayne, it does indeed! Like a very stinky golden shower.)
"Oh babe, I wanna put my log in your fireplace." (Kiss is so incredibly romantic in the sweetly titled "Burn Bitch Burn.")
"Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones." (Coldplay, aiming lasers at your lover is no way to "fix" her.)
"Young, black and famous / with money hangin' out the anus." (Puff Daddy should consult a proctologist, pronto!)
"Mix that Goose and Malibu / I call it 'Malibooyah.'" (Kanye West, please stick to what you're really good at―bullying Taylor Swift!)
"Bonafide ride, step aside my johnson. / Yes I could in the woods of Wisconsin.” (Another gratuitous rhyme from the Red Hot Chili Peppers.)
"What else could I say? / Everyone is gay." (Nirvana fails to consider the births of billions of heterosexual babies in "All Apologies.")
"Swag, swag, swag on you. / Chillin' by the fire while we eatin' fondue." (Justin Bieber, swag and fondue do not mix!)
"She's got everything / like a moving mouth, body control and everything." ("Highway Star" by Deep Purple keeps us informed about the really important things in life.)
"Lucky that my breasts are small and humble, / so you don’t confuse them with mountains." (Shakira, was this before the boob job?)
"The club isn't the best place to find a lover / so the bar is where I go." (Ed Sheeran makes his mother so very proud in "Shape of You.")
"I'm down on my knees, searching for the answer: / Are we human or are we dancer?" (The Killers tell us it's impossible to be human and a dancer!)
"Am I asleep? No, I'm alive." (According to Jessie J, we die when we fall asleep.)
"I'm serious as cancer when I say rhythm is a dancer!" (SNAP's "Rhythm Is A Dancer" is as serious as terminal brain cancer.)
"Sometimes we swim around like two dolphins / in the oceans of our hearts." (If your hearts are "oceans" what the hell are the dolphins in your insipid metaphor, LFO? Stroke-inducing blood clots?)
"Keep the blood flowing down to your feet, / Brother Lois will be around in a minute, with a bucket filled with squirreled meat. (Prince should consider becoming a vegan.)
"Say a little prayer for I." (Paula Cole, there's no need for prayer because even God Almighty can't save that atrocious line!)

Trumpian Songs

Another of my pet peeves is the Trumpian lyric, in which a male singer judges women strictly or largely on the basis of their looks and curves. Winners (i.e., losers) in this oinky-boinky category include "Perfect" and "The Shape of You" by Ed Sheeran, "Centerfold" by the J. Geils Band, "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-a-Lot, "Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton, "She's So High" by Blur and "You Are So Beautiful" by Joe Cocker.

Related songs in which women are treated as possessions, sex objects, prostitutes and/or indentured servants include "Under My Thumb" by the Rolling Stones, "Every Breath You Take" by Sting and the Police, "American Badass" by Kid Rock, "A Man Needs a Maid" by Neil Young, "The Girl Is Mine" by Michael Jackson feat. Paul McCartney, "Kim" by Eminem, "Fix You" by Coldplay, "Got to Give It Up" by Marvin Gaye, "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke, "She's a Lady" by Tom Jones, "Brown Sugar" by the Rolling Stones, "Nookie" by Limp Bizkit, "Cuddly Toy" by the Monkees, "Hotline Bling" by Drake, "Date Rape" by Sublime, "Me So Horny" by 2 Live Crew, "It's So Easy" by Guns N' Roses, "All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight" by Hank Williams Jr. and "Put Another Log on the Fire" by Tompall Glaser (the latter has been called the "Male Chauvinist National Anthem").

Another related category is "mansplanations" in which male singers unconvincingly explain why they take advantage of females, or want to. Sometimes they inadeptly shift the blame to their objects of desire. How can men be at fault when women are so damn alluring? For instance, "Young Girl" by Gay Puckett and the Union Gap, "Girl You'll Be a Woman Soon" by Neil Diamond, "Wild World" by Cat Stevens, "Stray Cat Blues" by the Rolling Stones, "Since I've Been Loving You" by Led Zeppelin, "You're Lost Little Girl" by the Doors, "Go Away Little Girl" by the Osmonds and "Behind Blue Eyes" by the Who.

But there are also "womansplanations" in which female singers side with the male piggies. For instance: "(Single Ladies) Put a Ring on It" by Beyoncé, "Do What U Want" by Lady Gaga, "Flower" by Liz Phair, "It Must Be Him (or I Shall Die)" by Vikki Carr, "Wishin' and Hopin'" by Dusty Springfield and "Stand By Your Man" by Tammy Wynette.

Hall of Shame

We have created a Hall of Shame for the all-time worst writers, selectors and singers of wrenchingly bad, fluffy, corny and cheesy lyrics ...

(10) The early Beatles, Jackson 5, Monkees, Duran Duran, Boyz II Men, Backstreet Boys, 'N Synch, Take That, New Kids on the Block (at least slightly better than the cheese-fests below)
(9) Oasis, New Edition, One Direction, Menudo, 98 Degrees, All-4-One, Color Me Badd, LFO, Hanson, Nelson, Jonas Brothers, O-Town, JoDeCi, B2K, BBMak, 3Deep, 5ive, Take 6
(8) Spice Girls, Go-Go's, Bangles, TLC, Destiny's Child, En Vogue, Bananarama, Wilson Phillips, Salt-N-Pepa, Pussycat Dolls, Fifth Harmony, Little Mix, Stooshe, Sugababes, Atomic Kitten
(7) Bay City Rollers
(6) Vanilla Ice and Nicki Minaj (not together—that would be too horrible to even consider!)
(5) The Osmonds (and Donny Osmond as a solo act)
(4) Pat Boone and Debby Boone
(3) Huey Lewis and the News
(2) K. C. and the Sunshine Band (and Harry Wayne Casey as a songwriter)
(1) Barry Manilow

Dishonorable Mention: Paul Anka, Justin Bieber, Black Eyed Peas, Bobby Goldsboro, Gilbert O'Sullivan, Paris Hilton, Rupert Holmes, Yoko Ono, Captain and Tennille, Steve Miller Band, Blink 182, Green Day, Coldplay, Helen Reddy, Billy Ray Cyrus, Miley Cyrus, Britney Spears, MC Hammer, Phil Collins, late Beach Boys, Kiss, Van Halen, Def Leppard, Grateful Dead, Korn, Goo Goo Dolls, Train, Smash Mouth, Insane Clown Posse, Limp Bizkit, Creed, Nickelback

Nickelback has been nominated as the most despised and/or hated band of all time. When comedian Brian Posehn was discussing a study that tied violent lyrics to violent behavior, he quipped, "No one talks about the studies that show that bad music makes people violent, like [listening to] Nickelback makes me want to kill Nickelback." One critic opined that using the song "Rockstar" in a cheesy furniture ad proved that Nickelback doesn't "understand the difference between a band and a jukebox." The Kensington Police Department threatened to punish DUI offenders by making them listen to Nickelback on their way to jail. David Grohl, of Nirvana and Foo Fighters fame, tweeted: "If you play a Nickelback song backwards you'll hear messages from the Devil. Even worse, if you play it forward you'll hear Nickelback." There is a Facebook page called called "Can This Pickle Get More Fans Than Nickelback?" According to The Guardian, the pickle had more fans than the band's Facebook page. When I googled "most hated bands," sure enough the first name I found was Nickelback.

Creed has been accused of being like "Nickelback before there was Nickelback."

Songs We Never Want to Hear Again, Ever, Under Any Circumstances (in addition to the songs previously named, of course)

Most of the songs listed below have strong support for the worst song of all time. And that support is extremely well-deserved ...

(#1) "Gangnam Style" by PSY. I propose a cure called "Hangman Style."
(#2) "Could It Be Magic" by Take That, their cover of a classic Manilow trainwreck. Could it be tragic? Is it "take that," as in cyanide?
(#3) "Friday" by Rebecca Black, who single-handedly took the "Thank God" out of TGIF.
(#4) "Achy Breaky Heart" by Billy Cyrus, who apparently taught Miley everything he knows about cheesy lyrics.
(#5) "The Heart of Rock & Roll" by Huey Lewis and the News. Apparently, rock & roll needs heart surgery, stat!
(#6) "Who Let the Dogs Out" by Baha Men. The real question is: Who let the "singers" out? Someone impound them, quick!
(#7) "The Thong Song" by Sisqo. And all other songs about underwear, hindquarters, "junk," anacondas, etc. For the sake of decency and our sanity, please keep it above the belt!
(#8) "Rockstar" by Nickelback, who apparently have no idea how to be real rock stars. Mick Jaggers, Robert Plants and Freddy Mercuries, they are not.
(#9) "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt, a song which has "bluntly" been called "the worst song in the history of mankind." Also, the least original and the worst come-on.
(#10) Please feel free to take your pick of alleged "songs" by Yoko Ono, Tiny Tim, Duran Duran, Justin Bieber, New Kids on the Block, Insane Clown Posse, Nicki Minaj, Kanye West, Ricky Martin, Rico Suave, Vanilla Ice and any other white rapper whose name is not Eminem.

Stalker Songs

"Every game you play, every night you stay, I’ll be watching you. Oh can’t you see? You belong to me!" ("Every Breath You Take" by Sting and the Police ... hey, shouldn't the police protect us from stalkers?)
"And now it chills me to the bone ... how do I get you alone?" (Heart creepily belts out the ultimate stalker anthem, "Alone")
"I've had you so many times but somehow I want more!" (Adam Levine and Maroon 5 sound an ugly Trumpian note: girls and women are to be "had" as many times as possible)
"I’m preying on you tonight, / Hunt you down, eat you alive. / Maybe you think that you can hide, / I can smell your scent for miles." (Maroon 5 return as stalkers in "Animals")
"I put a spell on you / because you're mine." (Screamin' Jay Hawkins lets us know what it's like to be stalked by a voodoo witchdoctor)

However, Adele is the hands-down "winner" in this category. She's the neediest and clinging-est ex-lover of all time—the shameless queen of the passive-aggressive psycho stalkers. As one critic put it, Adele is "one lyric away from a restraining order." Sad, but true. In "Someone Like You" she abjectly pleads "Don't forget me, I beg." In "Rumor Has It" she encourages her ex to cheat on his new lover: "Like when we creep out and she ain't around." In "Rolling in the Deep" she becomes threatening: "Don't underestimate the things that I will do!" and "You're gonna wish you never had met me!" But all that is mere stalker foreplay. Adele climaxes in "Hello"—a musical "Sixth Sense"—where she continues to stalk her ex from the "other side." Shades of the Stalking Dead! But there may be hope, since Adele said, "I am never writing a breakup record again. I’m done with being a bitter witch."

Reverse Stalker Songs

In a reverse stalker song, the love interest has no possible hope of happiness without the singer, who drills this idea deep into the brain of the hopeless hearer. The hands-down winner in this category is "You'll Never Find (Another Love Like Mine)" by Lou Rawls:

You'll never find, as long as you live / Someone who loves you tender like I do.
You'll never find, it'll take the end of all time / Someone to understand you like I do.
You'll never find, no matter where you search / Someone who cares about you the way I do.
You'll never see what you've found in me / You'll keep searching and searching your whole life through.
(You're gonna miss my lovin') You're gonna miss my lovin'
(You're gonna miss my lovin') You're gonna miss my lovin'
(You're gonna miss my lovin') You're gonna miss, you're gonna miss my love (Miss my love)

Ultra-Creepy Sex Lyrics

"This sex is on fire." (Kings of Leon, then by any and all means, PUT IT OUT! And please stop playing with flammables and matches!)
"I'm too sexy for my shirt." (Well then, Right Said Fred, please put on a sweater and an overcoat because we don't want to see your pale, exposed chest!)
"I wanna sex you up." (Please, Color Me Badd, don't bother!)
"Sometimes when we touch / the honesty's too much / and I have to close my eyes and hide." (Dan Hill sheds new light on the term "undercover lover")
"You love my lady lumps / my hump my hump my hump!" (The Black Eyed Peas reach new lows of female objectification with "My Humps")
"Honey got a booty like pow, pow, pow! / Honey got some boobies like wow, oh wow!" (Usher channels his perverted inner Robin in "OMG")
"She bangs! Oh baby! ... She looks like a flower but stings like a bee! Like every girl in history! She reminds me that a woman only got one thing on her mind! (Ricky Martin "She Bangs")
"But you're an animal / Baby, it's in your nature." (Robin Thicke appeals to a woman's "inner animal" because it's her "nature" to crave sex with sexist alpha sopranos like Thicke!)
"Chew your meat for you, / Pass it back and forth in a passionate kiss / From my mouth to yours, sloppy lips to lips." (Nirvana will "Drain You" to the absolute dregs)
"Shorty just text me, says she want to sex me / LOL smiley face / LOL smiley face." (Trey Songz, "LOL Smiley Face")
"I die over these Reeboks, you ain’t even know it, / Put molly all in her champagne, she ain’t even know it / I took her home and I enjoyed that, she ain’t even know it." (An ode to date rape with Rocko featuring Rick Ross and Future in "U.O.E.N.O.")

Couples actually get married to the stalker strains of Sting's "Every Breath You Take" and Heart's "Alone." Does true love "chill us to the bone," really? People also get married to the anguished relationship-in-the-process-of-disintegrating  lyrics of U2's "One." I have a separate category for such weirdness, later on this page. Some songs are so verbally repulsive and in such bad taste that I blanch to quote the lyrics. Songs in this category include "P***y Monster" by Lil Wayne, "Show Ya P***y" by R. Kelly with Juicy J and Mingos, and "P***y" by The-Dream (or perhaps The-Nightmare?). Hey, when you have to put asterisks in your song's title, haven't you already crossed a bridge too far? Are your mothers impressed with how much "p***y" you get, and how you brag about it for money?

Truly Creepy Songs

In "Once I Was Seven Years Old," Lukas Graham lispingly croons: "Once I was eleven years old; / My daddy told me / Go get yourself a wife or you'll be lonely!" as if this was wonderfully good advice. Then Graham devolves into Paul Anka "Having My Baby" territory: "I'm still learning about life; / My woman brought children for me / So I can sing them all my songs / And I can tell them stories." Apparently, Graham's crowds are not large enough, so he has his "woman" get pregnant so that she can "bring" him captive audiences for his glory-seeking songs and stories (however creepy and completely unsuitable for children). The whole family should seek professional help, IMMEDIATELY!

"Baby It's Cold Outside" seems to have been written by someone channeling his inner Bill Cosby: "Say, what's in this drink? ... / Mind if I move in closer? / At least I'm gonna say that I tried / What's the sense of hurting my pride?"

"(Single Ladies) Put a Ring on It" is a very creepy song by Beyoncé. What does she mean by "it"? I think we all know! It's bad enough when men objectify "it." But when a woman calls herself "it" ... well, the songs just creeps me out. And when Beyoncé implores her man to "say I'm the one you own," it sounds like a willing return to slavery! Her video does nothing to change my mind. If I grok the video, "it" seems to equate her ring finger and her crotch. Beyoncé appears to be saying, "If you want this genitalia, you should have put a ring on that finger!"

"Excitable Boy" by Warren Zevon is an oddly upbeat song about insanity, psychosis, rape, murder, mutilation, cannibalism and necrophilia. It has been called a "profoundly disturbing" song. Perhaps the strangest thing is how nonchalant the song is about all the deviant madness. It's like crooning "Oh, what a lonely boy" to Charles Manson while he's hacking people to death.

"Sister Christian" by REO Speedwagon is in the running, with lines like "Babe, you know you're growing up so fast / and mama's worrying that you won't last to say: Let's play!" And even ickier: "Don't you give it up before your time is due." With relationship advice like that from "friends," there's no need to worry about enemies!

Another very creepy religion-infused song is Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take the Wheel," in which a mother with a baby in her car starts sliding on ice. Rather than fighting for control of the vehicle to save her baby's life, she stops steering, throws her hands up in the air, begs Jesus to "take the wheel" and surrenders to fate. The song makes absolutely no sense, because after her prayer is answered and the car comes to a stop, the mother bows her head to pray "for the first time in a long time." But she had just prayed for salvation seconds before!

In "Alone Again (Naturally)" we are informed by Gilbert O'Sullivan that he intends to commit suicide in order to prove to "whoever" that he's "shattered." He then blames his loneliness on God, rather than his actions scaring people away.

Julia Ward Howe's famous "Battle Hymn of the Republic" claims that vengeance, war and death are God's "glory" and "truth" with lines like: "Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord / He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored / He hath loosed the fateful lightning of His terrible swift sword / His truth is marching on!" Apparently, God needs to take lessons from Gandhi on the enlightened path to peace: nonviolence.

"Amazing Grace" lacks one very obvious thing: grace. Anyone who sings the world's most popular Christian hymn is forced to call himself/herself a "wretch." Young, highly impressionable children who sing the song by the millions are thus forced to call themselves "wretches." Is this how you think of your loved ones? If not, why say such a terrible thing about yourself? Wouldn't that be hypocrisy (which Jesus Christ sternly rebuked)? One can easily understand why the song's author, a former slave ship captain named John Newton, felt miserable about the terrible things he had done. But come on, most children have done nothing worse than steal an extra sugar cookie when their parents' backs were turned. Did your mother enslave other people? Are your loved ones "wretches" fit only for the flames of an "eternal hell"? (BTW, if you have ever been concerned that "hell" might be "real," there is a simple, logical proof that such a place does not exist, according to the Bible itself. Just click here to have your worst fears relieved: No Hell in the Bible.)

Other ultra-creepy lyrics:

"Do what you want with my body." (Lady Gaga "Do What U Want")
"She was cool when I met her but I think I like her better dead." (Gnarls Barkley "Necromancer")
"If I was invisible, then I could just watch you in your room." (Clay Aiken longs to be an invisible stalker in "Invisible")
"In the dumps with the mumps as the adolescent pumps his way into his hat." (Bruce Springsteen "Blinded by the Light")
"He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake." (Santa stalks kids!)

Blubbery Baby-Talk by Adult Singers

In this bizarre category, adult singers choose to sound like blubbery infants. Someone should refer them to the advice of Harry Styles: "Just stop your crying, it's a sign of the times."

Taylor Swift actually sounds kinda cute when she complains that she knew a bad boy was "twubble" when he walked in ("I Knew You Were Trouble").
James Arthur has a beard but sounds like a lisping toddler on "(Just) Say You Won't Let Go."
"Pillow Talk" by Zayn gets off to a pretty decent start but he soon descends into babyish blabbing with "Be in the bed all day." He sounds like he needs a nice long nap, followed by remedial elocution lessons!
"Cheap Thrills" by Sia alternates adult talk with baby talk: she hits the "dans" floor and doesn't need "dollah" bills or "muh-huh-huh-honey" to have fun tonight with her "bay-ay-ay-ay-bee"!

Juvenile Songs with Insipid and/or Illogical Lyrics

For some unfathomable reason there are a number of copycat songs in which whiny singers with tremulous voices agonize over every detail of their brattish lives, then insist triumphantly that they will "never grow old" or will somehow escape or ignore the hand of time. But if their lives are so miserable, wouldn't it be better for them to mature and move ahead quickly? Nostalgia is fine and good, but only if the experiences were happy! Examples of the illogical genre include:

"Can't Feel My Face" by The Weeknd with the contradictory lines "And I know she'll be the death of me" but "... we'll ... stay forever young."
"Forever Young" by Alphaville with the contradictory lines "Sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip" but still the singer intends to be "forever young."
"Stay" by Zedd featuring Alessia Cara insists "We don't have to grow up / we can stay forever young" but hopes for the winds of change nonetheless.
"Closer" by the Chainsmokers features various doleful lamentations followed by the ebullient chorus "We ain't never gettin' older!"
"Style" by Taylor Swift claims her tight little skirts will "never go out of style" ... but let's reserve judgment till she's 60, 70, 80, 90 ...
"Never Grow Up" by Taylor Swift cannot apply to her age, but she may be speaking credibly if she's talking about her juvenile behavior.
"Here's to Never Growing Up" by Avril Lavigne sounds like a silly toast between inebriates.
"Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry features the highly unlikely and far-from-original chorus "You and I will be young forever!"
Lionel Richie is old enough to know better, but in "All Night Long" he claims in pidgin English: "we going to parti', karamu', fiesta, forever!"
"Forever Young" by Rod Stewart is one of his many, many, many covers of better singers' songs. However, in this case he sounds a lot like the original ...
"Forever Young" was written in 1973 by Bob Dylan as a lullaby for his infant son ... and pop's terrible tykes have been gravitating to it ever since!

Worst Use of Mindless, Mind-Numbing, Soul-Destroying Repetition

This is by far the easiest category to judge. Any song by K. C. and the Sunshine Band wins, hands down. Some rock bands have been accused of playing the same three chords over and over again. K. C. and the Sunshine Band upped the ante by also droning the same three words over and over again, ad infinitum:

I'm your boogie-man ... I'm your boogie-man ... I'm your boogie-man ... I'm your boogie-man ... I'm your boogie-man ...
Get down tonight ... Get down tonight ... Get down tonight ... Get down tonight ... Get down tonight ... Get down tonight ...
Shake-shake-shake, shake-shake-shake, shake your booty ... Shake-shake-shake, shake-shake-shake, shake your booty ...

K. C. and the Sunshine Band, you are not our boogeyman, but the bogeyman to anyone who appreciates good lyrics!

Sir Paul McCartney also seems to be channeling a broken record in "Live and Let Die": But in this ever changin' world in which we live in ... You know you did you know you did you know you did ... Live and let die (live and let die) live and let die (live and let die) ...

Cheap Trick's "I Want You to Want Me" features one verse, repeated twice, and a chorus that is repeated endlessly. 

"Can You Take Me High Enough?" by Damn Yankees endlessly repeats the title, followed by the unfortunately prophetic "It's never over!"

Baha Men's "Who Let the Dogs Out?" is not just repetitive, it's annoying as hell. Who let that songwriter out?

Nicki Minaj gets a special dishonorable mention for tasteless and classless repetition in "Stupid Hoe": "You a stupid hoe / You a / You a stupid hoe / (stupid, stupid)." She and Big Sean then repeat the word "ass" something like 20 times in "Dance Ass."

Other Dishonorable Mentions:

"MMMBop" by Hanson sets the all-time record for repeating nonsense syllables.
Justin Bieber in "Baby" repeats the word "baby" over and over like a broken record.
Rihanna repeats the word "cake" incessantly in "Birthday Cake." 
How many losing teams have been mercilessly taunted with "Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye" by Steam?
"Believe" by Cher is not only endlessly and boring repetitive, it's also the first auto-tuned song.
"What's New Pussycat" by Tom Jones is not only tediously repetitious, but it also feels slimy and vaguely obscene.
"Barbie Girl" by Aqua not only has mind-numbingly repetitious lyrics, it has a mind-numbing video as well and an invitation to undress her "everywhere" while she begs "on her knees."
"Disco Duck (Part 1)" by Rick Dees & his Cast of Idiots makes us very happy there was not (to our knowledge) a Part 2!
In "Photograph" we keep hearing that Nickelback is going to tell us "goodbye" but somehow they never do.
Europe reminds us endlessly and mindlessly that it's the "Final Countdown."
Barry Manilow undoubtedly set a world record for using the word "Copacabana" in a song.
Even the coronavirus pandemic couldn't revive the Rednex ode to cotton swabs, "Cotton Eye Joe."
James Blunt gets an unhonorable mention for: You're beautiful ... you're beautiful ... you're beautiful ... it's true ... (After you've told us something repeatedly, is it really necessary to insist that what you told us is true, unless you're a serial liar?).
The Black Eyed Peas are also contenders in this dismal category with "My Humps": My hump, my hump, my hump (ha!), my lovely lady lumps (check it out!).
"Best of You" by the Foo Fighters causes the human brain to shut down.
The Knickerbockers employ the word "lies" 14 times, or 15 if we count the song's title.
Bruce Springsteen up the ante when he reminds us that he's "down" 18 times in "I'm Going Down."
In "Ain't No Sunshine," Bill Withers repeats the phrase "I know" 26 times in a row, and somehow finds time to also repeat the words "gone," "long" and "away" over and over.
Cream sets a new world record (one that will hopefully never be broken) by repeating the word "glad" 48 times in "I'm So Glad."
Ooops, spoke too soon. "Tell Her No" by the Zombies repeats the titular catchphrase 63 times.
Egad! "I Do" by the J. Geils Band repeats the word "do" more than 100 times. Sorry, I lost count, but maybe 106 or 108.
Rod Stewart waxes endlessly repetitive on "Every Picture Tells a Story."
"Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin'" by Journey features almost two minutes of Steve Perry mindlessly repeating "Na-na-nana-na."
"Hey Jude" by the Beatles ups the ante with four minutes of its "Na-na" refrain.
"Small Town" by John Cougar Mellencamp never ceases to inform us that he's from a small town where small people do small things in their small lives.
"Nature's Way" by Spirit informs us that nature's way is to incessantly procreate.
Grand Funk Railroad is probably still far from port in "Closer to Home / I’m Your Captain."
"Give It Away" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers don't even give us time to breathe: "Giveitawaygiveitawaygiveitawaynow" being repeated like a broken record.

Special Honorable Mention:

"Louie Louie" by The Kingsmen is repetitive, true, but I have to give a gold star to any song so unfathomable the censors couldn't figure out if it broke the obscenity laws of its time!

More Accurate Song and Album Titles, Please!

For the sake of truth in advertising, it should be ...

(#1) "Sexual Stealing" by Robin Thicke.
(#2) "Thicke as a Brick" by Robin Thicke.
(#3) "Moves Like Stagger" by Maroon 5's Adam Levine (since he's always singing about drinking and getting wasted).
(#4) "Vice, Vice Baby" by Vanilla Ice, since pride is one of the Seven Deadly Sins.
(#5) "Clap for the Wolfman" by Train (with all those "untrimmed" chests!).
(#6) "Your Body is my Blunderland" by John Mayer (since his song reminds us of Trump's tweets).
(#666) "Sympathy for the Donald" by the Rolling Stones, since Trump is so very clearly the Devil in the flesh. For instance, the Trump family owns the tower at 666 Fifth Avenue, a street that symbolizes money (Mammon). Ivanka Trump and her husband Jared Kushner paid $1.8 billion dollars for the property, and 18 = 6+6+6. As Yogi Berra said, "You could look it up." If you do a search for "Trump 666" you will find many other connections of the Trumps to the Number of the Beast.

The Ten Worst Number One Songs of All Time

F-

"Gangnam Style" by PSY ("Style" has nothing to do with it! These F- songs have no redeeming values whatsoever.)
"Lovin' You" by Minnie Ripperton (The perfect ad for dog whistles ... if owners want to drive their dogs away forever.)
"Reunited" by Peaches & Herb (Performed by David Hasselhoff at the Berlin Wall leveling, this song drove entire nations back to communism!)
"Escape (The Pina Colada Song)" by Rupert Holmes (Has there ever been a more annoying song by a more annoying singer?)
"(You're) Having My Baby" by Paul Anka and Odia Coates (How many eggs have been fertilized to this musical monstrosity?)
"Sussudio" by Phil Collins (Suss-suss-suss-stupido!)
"You're Beautiful" by James Blount (James apparently toked waaaay too many blunts when he wrote this sappy mess.)
"MacArthur Park" by Richard Harris was later covered in a disco version by Donna Summer (Oh Joy!)
"Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice (Not only is the song terrible and terribly pretentious, but it was plagiarized to boot.)
"I Write the Songs" by Barry Manilow (False advertising! Manilow didn't write the song, and the real songwriter should pay us damages!)

Two things have convinced me that the modern world is beyond salvation: (1) the election of Trump to a position I refuse to use in relation to his name, and (2) songs like "I Write the Songs" inexplicably being purchased, much less topping the charts. I can only conclude that the ancient prophets were correct: these are the Last Days and we're doomed! All we have left is foxhole humor, to amuse ourselves, until the final Trump sounds (dark pun intended). /bookmark/

The Other Worst Number One Songs of All Time

D-

"Baby Don't Forget My Number" by Milli Vanilli (Terrible song, but at least they have the excuse of not really singing it.)
"My Sweet Lord" by George Harrison (This love epistle to God was plagiarized from "He's So Fine" by the Chiffons!)
"One Bad Apple" by the Osmonds (Actually, one bad number one song does create a lot of spoilage, especially when it copies the Jackson 5.)
"Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley (Great deep, rich baritone voice, but a dismal song.)
"Kokomo" by the Beach Boys (The group had some kickass songs; this is not one of them.)
"Go Away Little Girl" by Steve Lawrence (Later covered by Donnie Osmond, time did not improve this bit of daffodil fluff.)
"Love Letters in the Sand" by Pat Boone (Pat Boone personified "white soul," sans the soul.)
"You Light Up My Life" by Debby Boone (She was truly her father's white bread, sugary sweet daughter. Nice sentiments, terrible song.)
"Ebony and Ivory" by Stevie Wonder and Sir Paul McCartney (More nice sentiments by two seasoned singers who should know better.)
"I Just Called to Say I Love You" by Stevie Wonder (To quote another music critic, "Take it to the mall!")
"I Just Can't Stop Loving You" by Michael Jackson (This terribly needy song features the creepiest spoken intro in pop music history.)
"Batdance" by Prince (Even a genius can have a bad day, apparently.)
"One More Try" by Timmy T (The video and the singer's stage name may be even worse than the song, if that is possible!)
"MMMBop" by Hanson (Cute kids, if you're beguiled by moppets, but a bubblegummy song.)
"Achy Breaky Heart" by Billy Ray Cyrus (Miley Cyrus's career was an unforeseeable consequence of this catchy but ultra-corny hit.)

F+

"Hello" by Lionel Richie (Please say "Goodbye!" and hang up the damn phone!)
"London Bridge" by Fergie (At least the "Oh Shit!" intro is on spot.)
"Billy, Don't Be a Hero" by Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods ("Billy, Don't Be a Zero" would make more sense.)
"Honey" by Bobby Goldsboro (A forced tear-jerker with saccharine-sweet, calorie-free lyrics.)
"Love Yourself" by Justin Bieber (If you really care absolutely nothing about a former lover, why write them a song?)
"I Want It That Way" by the Back Street Boys (We want it the "highway" way: Vamoose!)
"Hollaback Girl" by Gwen Stefani (A 35-year-old cheerleader making absolutely no sense, except to Blake Shelton on a bender?)
"Disco Duck (Part 1)" by Rick Dees & his Cast of Idiots (We were very fortunate not to have been subjected to Part 2!)

F

"Wild Wild West" by Will Smith (The hip-hop and cowboy genres are like oil and water and never can mix.)
"Running Bear" by Johnny Preston (A not-so-brave Native American is "running bare" after "little white girls" with war whoops in the background!)
"We Built this City" by Starship ("Marconi plays the mamba"? Really? Where, on Mork's planet Ork?)
"Macarena" by Los Del Rio (The limp macaroni of Latino dance music!)
"Who Let the Dogs Out" by the Baha Men (Please sic the dogs on the singers, pronto!)
"Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin ("Don't Worry, Be Sappy" is more like it.)

Terrible Lines from Otherwise Great Songwriters

(#1) Bob Dylan bottoms out with: "If dogs run free, then why not we ..."
(#2) Dylan waxes redundant in "Tin Angel" with: "He pondered the future of his fate ..."
(#3) Paul Simon was not at his best in "Cars Are Cars" or his Great Wall of China metaphor in "Something So Right."
(#4) Simon sounds pompous and silly with: "Hear my words that I might teach you" in "Sounds of Silence."
(#5) Dan Fogelberg's "Longer" should be considerably shorter, and lighter on the poeticisms ("forest primeval").
(#6) Jim Morrison and the Doors should have ended "The End" a lot sooner (it's eleven minutes overlong).
(#7) Billy Joel equates the earthshaking and trivial with: "China's under martial law, rock & roller cola wars!"
(#8) R.E.M. may have overglossed "Shiny Happy People."
(#9) Brian Wilson and the Beach Boys went plumb stark cuckoo with "Kokomo."

Hopelessly Pretentious Songs

(#1) The hands-down winner is Barry Manilow's icky and overblown "I Write the Songs."
(#2) "My Way" is a very close second
(#3) "MacArthur Park" would be in the running, except that it's too ridiculous to be taken seriously.
(#4) "Hammer Time" by M. C. Hammer, who spawned the Frankenstein-like monsters below ...
(#5) "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice, a ghastly pale Hammer clone.
(#6) "Rico Suave" by Gerardo, a slicked-up Hispanic version of Vanilla Ice.
(#7) "Will 2K" by Will Smith, the too-fresh prince extolling the coming "Will-ennium."
(#8) "Everybody have fun tonight! / Everybody Wang Chung tonight!" (I, for one, will take a pass!).
(#9) "Crank that Soulja Boy" by Soulja Boy Tell 'Em (Well perhaps, if someone can crank that jaw!).
(#10) "Bad" by Michael Jackson (the least "gangsta" singer on the planet).
(#11) "Sunglasses at Night" by Corey Hart (who is almost as un-gangsta as MJ).

Hopelessly Whiny and/or Maudlin Songs

"Shannon" by the aptly named Henry Gross
"Ben" by Michael Jackson
"Superman" by Five for Fighting (it's not easy being your audience!)
"Honey" by Bobby Goldsboro

Songs that Try Too Hard to Cheer Us Up

"Don't Worry Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin
"Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves
"Dancing on the Ceiling" by Lionel Ritchie
"Party in the U.S.A." by Miley Cyrus
"Party All the Time" by Eddie Murphy
"1999" by Prince and the Revolution

"People (Who Need People)" with lyrics by Bob Merrill tries to cheer us up with the sunny revelation that "We're children, needing other children / And yet letting a grown-up pride / Hide all the need inside." So we are childish, proud, deceptive and needy. And yet "People who need people / are the luckiest people in the world." Well, fortunately it is better to be lucky than good!

The Worst White-Bread Rap

"American Life" by Madonna
"Rapture" by Debbie Harry and Blondie (did she mean "Rupture"?)
"Wannabe" by the Spice Girls
Anything and everything by Vanilla Ice
"Cotton Eye Joe" is a truly weird hybrid of rap, neo-country/bluegrass and techno-pop delivered in broken English by what appears to be a deranged Swedish serial killer!

Ickiest Come-On Songs

"Your Body is a Wonderland" by John Mayer (the wonder is that he's not in jail for various acts of perversion!)
"Barbie Girl" by Aqua (a band that seems "all wet," pardon the pun)
"Stupid Hoe" and "Anaconda" by Nicki Minaj (these appear to be icky "companion" pieces)
"My Humps" by The Black Eyed Peas with Fergie in a duet (or eeeew!-et) with Will.i.am
"Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke

Lines that Make Us Go "Eeeew!"

Ed Sheeran wins this category easily by asking his lover "Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love?" when they reach age 70. Eeeew!

The next line is nearly as yucky: "Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?" Is Sheeran singing a love song to a badly-assembled Bride of Frankenstein? Who has eyes in their cheeks? And to think that the song in question, "Thinking Out Loud," won a Grammy. Double Eeeew!

Sheeran seems to specialize in bizarre lyrics. For instance, these lines from "Wake Me Up":

And I know you love Shrek
Because we’ve watched it 12 times.

Triple Eeeew!

Missy Elliot is a too-close runner-up with:

Take my thong off and my ass go boom!

Exploding asses? Quadruple Eeeew! Please keep that thong ON or, better yet, put on some granny panties or adult diapers!

Most Affected Pronunciations and Worst Annoying Mispronunciations

This award goes to Charlie Puth for his song "One Call Away," in which he claims that "Superman ain't got nothin' on me." But Superman does have something on Puth, because the Man of Steel knows that the word "me" is pronounced with a long "e," making it rhyme with "sea" and "tree." Puth tries to make "me" rhyme with "away," stretching it out into numerous bizarre syllables, resulting in a verbal monstrosity.

How may syllables are there in the word "bridge"? If you guessed one, you guessed wrong, according to Adele singing "Water Under the Bridge." Adele somehow manages to pronounce "bridge" as though it has a dozen or more syllables. She must REALLY work on her breath control! (Adele has a number of things going for her, but an unaffected singing style is not one of them.)

Hoobastank really stanks up the joint by emphatically screaming "And the reason is YO!!!" Does true love force one to resort to pidgin English? In softer parts of the song, "you" is pronounced the normal way, making the delivery seem schizophrenic.

The Verve Pipe get a demerit for "Freshmen," a great song except for the lament "We were merely Frashmen." If only they could have stayed in school long enough to learn how to pronounce their grade!

Ed Sheeran makes another appearance, again for "Thinking Out Loud," when he wails "People fool in love in mysterious ways." Quintuple Eeeew! (But in his case, "fool" may well apply.)

The most common mispronunciation in a popular song may occur in The Star-Spangled Banner: "... whose broad stripes and bright stars through the pear-oh-luss fight ..."

Ironically, the second-most mispronounced word may occur in our "second national anthem," and in the ultimate irony, it's the word America! How many famous singers have belted out "uh-mehr-uh-kuh" over the years, creating a triple rhyme with DUH! (Which, however, may make perfect sense with the nation's election of President Don-Lad Trump.)

Other artists who can be very affected and/or pretentious: Justin Timberlake ("Suit and Tie"), Tiny Tim ("Tiptoe Through the Tulips"), Liza Minnelli (informing her "old chum" that "Life is a Cabaret"), Vitamin Z ("Burning Love"), Chloe Lattanzi (the daughter of Olivia Newton-John), and Elaine Page ("Memory")

But the ultimate mispronunciation award must go to David Bowie, who despite his ultra-coolness consistently mispronounced his own name! The glam star was born David Jones, but he changed his last name to avoid confusion with Davy Jones of the Monkees, opting for Bowie because the knife "cuts both ways." However, badass Texan pioneer Jim Bowie pronounced his name "boo-ee" (rhymes with "dewy"), while in video footage the singer clearly pronounced his last name "boh-ee" (rhymes with "snowy")!

Hammiest Performances and Worst "Over the Top" Performances

A closely related category is "hammy" singing and dancing, as in "hamming it up." In this category, no one can possibly hold a candle to our co-winners ...

"Hammy" Sammy Davis Jr. performing "Mr. Bojangles" like a deeply tanned English troubadour, wearing impossibly tight pants with what I hope is a sock (but pray to never know with any surety!).

Richard Harris pretentiously and bombastically performing "MacArthur Park" like King Lear on a bad acid trip. All that "sweet green icing flowing down" must have given him a sugar high.

Not really close, but worth dishonorable mentions: Liberace, Tiny Tim, David Lee Roth, Boy George, Madonna, Lady Gaga, Freddy Mercury, Adam Lambert, David Bowie, Iggy Pop, Meatloaf, KISS, and just about any "hair" band.

Impossible and Highly Implausible Song Lyrics

"When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful,
a miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical.
And all the birds in the trees,
well they'd be singing so happily,
joyfully, playfully watching me.
But then they sent me away to teach me how to be
sensible, logical, responsible, practical.
And they showed me a world where I could be
so dependable, clinical, intellectual, cynical."

"The Logical Song" by Supertramp is highly illogical, because birds do not send boys to schools where they are taught to be logical! Or perhaps the songwriter employed the pronoun "they" without a clear referent, in which case he/she is far from "intellectual"!

More illogical song lyrics:

"The club isn't the best place to find a lover / so the bar is where I go!" (Ed Sheeran again!)
"I am the Walrus." (Walruses don't speak.)
"Like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down." (Bridges do not lay themselves down; they get laid.)
"Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti." (The Kilimanjaro is more than a hundred miles from the Serengeti.)
"... coast to coast, L.A. to Chicago ..." (L.A. is on the west coast, but Chicago is not on the east coast.)
"Scars to Your Beautiful" is an inspiring song, but the line "she knows no limits" makes no sense, because the entire song is about the limits an anorexic cutter puts on herself, or allows others to impose on her.
"As God has shown us by turning stones to bread ..." (Jesus turned water into wine, according to the Bible, but he refused to turn stones into bread when Satan tempted him in the wilderness!)
"My sweet Lord." (A so-called "Lord" who sentences all his creatures to suffer and die is anything but "sweet.")

Worst Line in a Great Song

This award goes to Simon and Garfunkel's classic "Bridge Over Troubled Water" for the line:

Sail on silver girl, sail on by ...

Paul Simon allowed Art Garfunkel to contribute the line above. But Simon didn't care for it, and neither do I. It doesn't completely ruin the song, but it seems cutesy and out of place in a dark masterpiece, as if ET suddenly showed up peddling a bicycle across the moon during a performance of Macbeth.

Close runners-up include "Let It Be" by the Beatles and "Roxanne" by the Police, for excessive repetition. Too much of a good thing can become a very bad thing: if Shakespeare had repeated his best refrain too many times, he could have crossed over into K. C. and the Sunshine Band territory: "I am your Bard of Avon. I am your Bard of Avon. I am your Bard of Avon. I am your Bard of Avon." Shakespeare knew when to stop beating a dead horse. Some modern songwriters evidently don't.

The Most Blatantly Sexist and Chauvinistic Song Lyrics of All Time

The clear winner in this category is a hard-drinking hillbilly, Hank Williams Jr., who brags in "All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight":

I got girls that can cook,
I got girls that can clean,
I got girls that can do anything in between ...

What Junior means seems obvious: as long as he provides the machismo, testosterone, fame, booze and drugs, he can depend on "girls" to cook for him, clean for him, and "take care of him." Paul Anka runs a close second with:

Having my baby;
what a lovely way of saying
that you're thinking of me ...

It would be much better for the world (and especially for unborn children) if people explained how they felt verbally, used birth control, and didn't have babies for preposterous reasons!

Thin Lizzy comes in third―but not for the lack of trying to be alpha male piggies―with "The Boys are Back in Town":

It won't be long till summer comes
Now that the boys are here again!

Testosterone-infused truants who dress to kill, drink like fish, then spill blood on a regular basis, still have the magical power to summon the sun and summer? Who'da thunk it?

Other prime contenders include "Under My Thumb" by the Rolling Stones, "Centerfold" by the J. Geils Band, "Keep Your Hands to Yourself" by the Georgia Satellites, "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-a-Lot, "Got to Give It Up" by Marvin Gaye, "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke, "Young Girl" by Gay Puckett and the Union Gap, "Girl You'll Be a Woman Soon" by Neil Diamond, "She's a Lady" by Tom Jones, "Brown Sugar" by the Rolling Stones, "It Must Be Him (or I Shall Die)" by Vikki Carr, "Wishin' and Hopin'" by Dusty Springfield, "Son of a Preacher Man" by Dusty Springfield, "Rag Doll" by Frank Valli and the Four Seasons, "Cuddly Toy" by the Monkees, "Stand By Your Man" by Tammy Wynette, "Hard to Handle" by the Black Crowes, "Lightnin' Strikes" by Lou Christie, "Hotline Bling" by Drake

Worst Wedding Songs Ever

This is a truly weird category, because people actually get married to these stalker "love" songs. The most famous stalker wedding song is "Every Breath You Take" by Sting and the Police. Brides should blush (as should grooms) if they get married to the Big Brother-ish strains of:

Every breath you take,
every move you make ...
I'll be watching you. 

Heart's "Alone" runs a close second, with these disturbing stalker lines:

And now it chills me to the bone:
how do I get you alone?

Ironically, the rock song with perhaps the best lyrics of all time almost falls into this category, as couples sometimes get married to U2's magnificent "One." While "One" is not a stalker song, it still defies logic that couples can walk down the aisle to lyrics like:

Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus
to the lepers in your head?

"One" is a song about a relationship on very dire rocks. The disgruntled speaker points out that he shouldn't be expected to go without sex with other people, just because his lover has given up on their love life:

Did I disappoint you,
or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act as if you never had love
and you want me to go without?

"One" isn't about couples walking down the aisle arm-in-arm as lifetime companions; rather, it is about one partner crawling abjectly to the other:

You say love is a temple;
love, a higher law ...
you ask me to enter,
but then you make me crawl ...

"One" is a great song, a masterpiece. But it is not wedding song material, unless the couple is planning to have a very quick, bitterly acrimonious divorce!

Worst Gratuitous Rhymes

The Steve Miller Band wins with:

Abra, abracadabra
I want to reach out and grab ya. 

The Chainsmokers grab second place with these nonsensical lines from "Closer":

So baby pull me closer
In the backseat of your Rover
That I know you can't afford
Bite that tattoo on your shoulder
Pull the sheets right off the corner
Of the mattress that you stole
From your roommate back in Boulder
We ain't ever getting older

And good luck with that "we ain't ever getting older" thingy!

Train is also in the abysmal running with "Drive By" ...

Oh I swear to you
I'll be there for you
This is not a drive by
Just a shy guy
Looking for a two-ply
Hefty bag to hold my love!

Train scores again, sorta, with "Hey, Soul Sister" ...

Your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains ...
The smell of you in every single dream I dream ...
My heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest ...

Sextuple Eeeew! (emphasis on the "sex"). Should the song's title, more accurately, be "Clap for the Wolfman"?

"Around The World" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers is another contender ...

Bonafide ride, step aside my johnson.
Yes I could in the woods of Wisconsin.

Pitiful Puns and Wrenching Word-Play

"I kick plenty of ass, so call me an astronaut." (Dr. Dre, "Keep Their Headz Ringin")
"I've got soul but I'm not a soldier." (The Killers, "All These Things That I've Done")
"Now you get to watch her leave out the window. / Guess that's why they call it window pane." (Eminem, "Love the Way You Lie")

Worst Imitation of the Marquis de Sade

This highly dubious award goes to "Your Body is a Wonderland"  by John Mayer:

You tell me where to go and
Though I might leave to find it
I'll never let your head hit the bed
Without my hand behind it ...

The Marquis de Sade would be so very proud, I'm sure!

Most Hideous Mangling of Grammar and/or Logic

This award goes to Paula Cole's stunningly terrible "I Don't Want to Wait." The song opens with lines so excruciatingly bad they are painful to remember, much less (pause to vomit) sing:

So open up your morning light
And say a little prayer for I.
You know that if we are to stay alive
And see the peace in every eye ...
She had two babies
One was six months, one was three
In the war of '44 ...

First, how the hell does one "open up" a light? Second, it would be "say a little prayer for me." The improper use of "I" is incredibly grating, the single worst song lyric I have ever experienced. Third, lines three and four make absolutely no sense: if we are to stay alive and see the peace in every eye, what must we think or do? Fourth, the song is about World War II, in which millions of people were fighting and killing each other, so to "see the peace in every eye" seems like wild overstatement. Fifth, how can a mother have one baby that is six months old and another that is only three months old? Swine have a gestation period of three months; is the mother dropping human babies, or piglets? I suppose Cole could mean that one baby is six months old and the other is three years old, but at this early point in the song I'm so out of sorts that I have lost confidence in her ability to say what she means in decent English. Sixth, what is "the war of '44"? World War II began in 1939 and ended in 1945, so to call it the war of a particular year seems very odd. But then the whole song is a logical and grammatical trainwreck.

Bob Dylan comes in second with: "If dogs run free, then why not we ..." (my ears hear a chorus of bad grammar!).

John Cougar Mellencamp is a distant third with this line from "Jack and Diane":

Suckin' on a chili dog outside the Tasty Freeze ...

Who the hell "sucks" on a chili dog?

Bob Seger gets an ungolden star for comparing himself to a rock "chargin' from the gate" in "Like a Rock." All the rocks I have ever encountered were inanimate objects.

Other candidates:

"I'm down on my knees, searching for the answer… Are we human or are we dancer?" (The Killers, "Human")
"I'm serious as cancer when I say rhythm is a dancer!" (SNAP, "Rhythm Is A Dancer")
"In the desert you can remember your name, for there ain't no-one for to give you no pain." (America, "Horse With No Name") 
"Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones." (Coldplay, "Fix You")
"I bought a ticket to the world but now I've come back again." (Spandau Ballet, "True")
"Keep the blood flowing down to your feet, Brother Lois will be around in a minute, with a bucket filled with squirreled meat." (Prince, "Superfunkycalifragisexy")

Most Cliché-Ridden Monstrosity

Heart's "All I Wanna Do Is Make Love to You" makes me want to hurl because it's constructed out of a relentless series of miserably bad clichés, and even worse, it makes no sense. Why borrow other people's words only to mangle them?

So we found this hotel;
it was a place I knew well.
We made magic that night.
Oh, he did everything right!
He brought the woman out of me,
so many times, easily.
And in the morning when he woke
all I left him was a note:
I told him, "I am the flower;
you are the seed.
We walked in the garden;
we planted a tree.
Don’t try to find me,
please don’t you dare.
Just live in my memory,
you’ll always be there."

I believe that what the female speaker means to say is that she wrote her one-night stand a note, then left before he woke up and read it. And how on earth can a flower and a seed walk together in a garden and plant a tree? What she probably means to say is that she was the flower and her lover supplied the "pollen," which then resulted in a seed, which later grew into a new flowering tree (i.e., a child) somewhere in an Edenic garden. But the lyrics are so godawfully bad, stilted and prosaic, who can muster the patience to decipher them?

Other cliché-ridden songs include "Roar" by Katy Perry (someone counted an astounding 226 clichés in her Prism album), "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen, "Jump" by Van Halen, "America" and "Forever in Blue Jeans" by Neil Diamond, "The Greatest Love of All" by Whitney Houston, "Hero" by Mariah Carey, "Wind Beneath My Wings" by Bette Midler, "All By Myself" and "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion, "(Let Me Be Your) Teddy Bear" by Elvis Presley, "Hey Jude," "Please Please Me" and "Love Me Do" by the Beatles, "Start Me Up" by the Rolling Stones, "Ben" by Michael Jackson, "Like a Virgin" by Madonna, "Daniel" and "Candle in the Wind" by Elton John, "My Life" by Billy Joel, "Blowin' in the Wind" by Bob Dylan, "Glory Days" by Bruce Springsteen, "Beautiful Day" by U2, "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey, "Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton, "Sweet Child O' Mine" by Guns N' Roses, "Desperado" by the Eagles, "Dream On" by Aerosmith, "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor, "Cold as Ice" by Foreigner, "Cuts Like a Knife" by Bryan Adams, "Thank You" by Led Zeppelin, "Back in Black" by AC/DC, "Fade to Black" by Metallica, "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac, "Unanswered Prayers" by Garth Brooks, "You're Still the One" by Shania Twain, "The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers, "Feels So Right" by Alabama, "Like a Rock" by Bob Seger, "Take My Breath Away" by Berlin, "Whip It" by Devo, "Down on My Knees" by Trisha Yearwood, "I Love" by Tom T. Hall, "Everything is Beautiful" by Ray Price, "The Chair" by George Strait, "Livin' on Love" by Alan Jackson, "Freedom" by Reba McEntire, "Money" by Pink Floyd, "Evergreen" by Barbara Streisand, "Smooth" by Santana, "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers, "Make Me Smile" by Chicago, "My Name Is" by Eminem, and "Different Drum" by Linda Ronstadt and the Stone Poneys.

Worst Mangling of Image, Metaphor, Facts and/or Logic

While I like the song "Strawberry Wine," I grimace every time I hear the lines:

... green on the vine,
like strawberry wine.

Obviously, it is the strawberries that grow green on the vine, not the "wine." Sade runs a close second and is hardly a "smooth operator" with:

... coast to coast,
L.A. to Chicago ...

There are many cities on the East Coast, so why name a city that lies several hundred miles inland?

Other candidates:

"Caught beneath the landslide in a champagne supernova in the sky." (Oasis, "Champagne Supernova") 
"I know a mouse and he hasn't got a house. I don't know why, I call him Gerald." (Pink Floyd, "Bike")

More Bad Logic

Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
An' if I stay it will be double!

Someone should inform the Clash that if leaving will cause trouble and staying will double the trouble, then obviously it is time to go!

Most Ostentatiously Overblown Lyrics Imaginable

"My Way" would be a good candidate, except that "MacArthur Park" is so overblown that no other song can possibly rival it:

Spring was never waiting for us, girl;
it ran one step ahead
as we followed in the dance
between the parted pages and were pressed,
in love's hot, fevered iron
like a striped pair of pants ...
MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark,
all the sweet, green icing flowing down ...
Someone left the cake out in the rain.
I don't think that I can take it
'cause it took so long to bake it
and I'll never have that recipe again ...
Oh, no!

Oh, no, indeed! If anyone thinks these are good lyrics, I have some stinky swampland to sell at grossly inflated prices. Barry Manilow's pompous "I Write The Songs" is another ridiculously overblown song, as are Neal Diamond's "Longfellow Serenade" and "Forever in Blue Jeans," but they all pale in comparison to "MacArthur Park." However, Manilow rates a special dishonorable mention because he didn't write "I Write the Songs" despite singing so bombastically that he did. The song was written by a former Beach Boy, Bruce Johnston, who should also be deeply ashamed.

Most Ego-Saturated Song Lyrics Ever Written

While I would again like to consider the haplessly and hopelessly egocentric "My Way" for some highly dubious honor, I'm afraid this one will have to be a tie between "Rico Suave" and "Ice, Ice Baby." But since the peculiarly pallid rapper known as "Vanilla Ice" plagiarized David Bowie's and Queen's "Under Pressure," let's make that the tiebreaker. And how can we possibly disagree with someone who confesses:

I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom?

Indeed, he is! At least Sinatra and Elvis had talent to back up their outbursts of verbal bombast. Vanilla Ice managed to turn sheer hubris into fifteen seconds of fame, to our eternal shame. I vote we all tell "Ice" to take a chill pill. Other candidates for this award include "Let's Wang Chung Tonight" and "I'm Too Sexy for My Shirt." (The video proves you're not.)

Most Blatantly Untrue Lyrics Ever Performed

On the subject of "things vanilla," as in white-washed over, how about "Girl, You Know It's True" by Milli Vanilli, the group that didn't really sing its own songs? While other groups have been accused of lip-synching, Milli Vanilli took not singing to extraordinary new heights (or depths). The lyrics should have been:

Girl, you know it's true
that when we "sing," we're lying through
our Ultra-Bright teeth to you!

Most Nonsensical and Incomprehensible Lyrics of All Time

Here, the hands-down winner is the famously incomprehensible "Louie, Louie" by the Kingsmen. This is a song with lyrics so obscure the FBI tried to prosecute the group for obscenity, but after two years had to admit defeat. Why? Because to this day, no one has a clue what the song actually says, much less means. Who can properly interpret its half-mumbled, half-sung lyrics? The most comprehensible part of this alleged "song" remains its guitar solo. It might be an innocent song about "having to go" to Jamaica, or it might be an demonic call to destroy all that is innocent and holy. If anyone truly knows, they are not telling.

"In A Gadda Di Vida" by Iron Butterfly runs a close second in this category. As the story goes, the original lyric was "In the Garden of Eden," but lead singer Doug Ingle became so intoxicated that he slurred the words. The rest, as they say, is history. Steve Miller's "The Joker" comes in a strong third, with the supremely incomprehensible lines:

Some people call me the space cowboy, yeah
Some call me the gangster of love
Some people call me Maurice
'Cause I speak of the pompitous of love

"Some people call me 'moron' because I sing gibberish" would be much more believable!

Little Richard's "Tutti Frutti" was originally about the joys of sodomy, but once the lyrics had been changed to pass muster with the Pat Boone crowd, it failed to make any sense whatsoever.
"Sussudio" by Phil Collins is simply ghastly; it's probably better for us not to know what the unuttered "word" is.
"Whiter Shade of Pale" has famously obscure lyrics, but seems to be about a woman turning pale when she is propositioned in a bar, with allusions to Geoffrey Chaucer and his "Miller's Tale."
"Who Let the Dogs Out?" by Baha Men begs the question: "Why would anyone care? Just let them back in, if they promise not to pee or poop in the house!"
"My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas seems to be about trading one's "humps" and "lady lumps" for merchandise, by getting men drunk. What's not to understand, except bragging about it in bad English?
"Gangnam Style" by PSL has been viewed more than a billion times and still no one knows what the hell it means, except that terrible lyrics performed by people with no talent can somehow "go viral."
"I Am the Walrus" makes sense compared to some of the other songs in this category!

Most Absurdly Sentimental Song Lyric

Poets and songwriters try to make us "tear up" over all sorts of things, but when the Beatles wept over an unswept floor, they lost all credibility. How can we do anything but laugh over:

I look at the floor and I see it needs sweeping.
Still my guitar gently weeps.

But perhaps the lyric can make us cry, after all ... if only because it's so wrenchingly bad. "Mrs. Robinson" by Simon and Garfunkel runs a close second, with the sickly-sweet lines:

Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?
A nation turns its lonely eyes to you,
woo woo woo ...

Woo woo woo, indeed! The Yankee Clipper himself complained about the absurdity of the song, pointing out that he hadn't "gone" anywhere at the time.

Third place goes to Neal Diamond for:

I am, I said
to no one there,
and no one heard at all,
not even the chair ...

Let's not get all weepy about chairs not hearing our complaints!

Or how about "Ben," a heartfelt love song to a rat, crooned with incredible (but not credible) anguish, by Michael Jackson? Or, better yet, "Shannon," a tribute to a dog that is "drifting out to sea," sung by the appropriately named Henry Gross? If the dog is still drifting out to sea, why not launch a rescue, rather than just singing sadly about the tragedy?

Close and definitely no cigar:

"Wind Beneath My Wings" by Bette Midler
"Can You Feel the Love Tonight" by Elton John
"My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion (Kate Winslett said the Titanic theme song made her "want to throw up" and Dion didn't want to record it)
"Every Thing I Do (I Do it for You)" by Bryan Adams
"I Just Called to Say I Love You" by Stevie Wonder ("No chocolate-covered candy hearts to give away"? Oh, really! Et tu, Stevie? Cheapskate, with all your millions!) 

Truly Cheesy Love Songs

There is no clear winner in this category because there are so many worthy (i.e., unworthy) candidates. So I'll pick one at random ... "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt. "My life is brilliant," Blunt declares. Unfortunately the same cannot be said about his lyrics! Was he named after a you-know-what? Did it go to his head and impair his powers of perception? Well yes, the CD version says that he was "fucking high," so now the mystery is officially solved!

Other contenders to take the cheese ...

Any Elvis Presley love song performed bombastically during his lounge singer days, when he looked like a bloated Evel Knievel
Any Michael Bolton love song
Any Lionel Ritchie love song
Any Barry Manilow love song
Any Kenny Rogers love song from his "Silver Fox" period
Any David Lee Roth gigolo love song, and any similar love songs sung by his imitators (anyone who imitates DLR should immediately commit Hari Kari!)
Any other love song that involves jumping and kicking!
Any boy band love song
Any country music song about childhood lovers who meet in heaven
Any country music song about childhood lovers watching their daughter prepare to marry
Any country music song about a father watching his daughter get ready to go on a first date while reminiscing about his first date with her mother
Any country music song that involves a man feeling sentimental about his car or truck, usually after a hard bout of drinking
Any Bruce Springsteen or John Mellencamp song in which they reminisce about baseball, steel mills, motorbikes, pink houses, sucking on chili dogs, etc.
"You Are So Beautiful" by Joe Cocker
"I Swear" by All-4-One
"Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley
"I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred

Beyond Silly Love Songs

"Groovy Kind of Love" by Phil Collins
"Sugar, Sugar" by the Archies ("You are my candy girl, and you got me wantin' you!")
"Silly Love Songs" by Sir Paul McCartney and Wings

Abundant Redundancy: The Most Pointlessly Obvious and Redundant Song Lyrics

Van Halen wins this hotly-contested category for "Why Can't This Be Love," which breathlessly informs us that:

Only time will tell
if we stand the test of time.

A very close runner-up is "The Fighter" by Keith Urban featuring Carrie Underwood:

Your precious heart
is a precious heart.

Or how about this gem by Thin Lizzy:

Tonight there's going to be a jailbreak,
somewhere in this town!

Somewhere? Or would a jailbreak occur at a very obvious location … the local jail, perhaps? 

Neil Sedaka chimes in with:

I'm living right next door to an angel
and she only lives a house away.

Dishonorable Mentions:

"Together we're one, separated we're two." ("Girl You Know It's True" as not sung by Milli Vanilli)
"If the light is off, then it isn't on." ("So Yesterday" by Hillary Duff should be re-titled "So Obvious")
"You had a bad day." (Repeated over and over and over, like a broken record, by Daniel Powter in "Bad Day")
"The heat was hot." ("Horse with No Name" by America)
"She got a big booty so I call her Big Booty." (2 Chainz, "Birthday Song")

Worst Tribute Song

My vote for the worst tribute song goes to "It's My Life" by Bon Jovi, with the horrific line "Like Frankie said, I did it my way." First, who the hell calls Frank Sinatra "Frankie"? Second, why quote one of the most overblown, ego-saturated songs ever written? Third, if it's your life, not Frankie's, why not say something "your way" and be much more original?

A close runner-up is "Rock and Roll Heaven" by the Righteous Brothers.

Lies, Fabrications and Wild Overstatement

"What else could I say? Everyone is gay." (Nirvana's "All Apologies"). If this were true, none of us would be here!

Things No One Wants to See, Hear, Smell or Otherwise Experience

"Take my thong off and my ass go boom!" (Missy Elliott, "Work It")
"Young, black and famous, with money hanging out the anus." (Puff Daddy featuring Mase, "Can't Nobody Hold Me Down")
"I'll show you I'm every inch the man – measure all that you think you can." (Extreme, "Naked")
"I'll slink in when you boys are in a French knot." (Peaches, "Two Guys For Every Girl")
"Let me put my love into you babe, let me cut my cake with your knife." (AC/DC, "Let Me Put My Love Into You") 
"I love your pants around your feet … You're like my favourite damn disease." (Nickelback, "Figure You Out")
"Oh babe, I wanna put my log in your fireplace." (Kiss, "Burn Bitch Burn") 
"Bonafide ride, step aside my johnson. Yes I could in the woods of Wisconsin." (Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Around The World")

Things Not to Brag About

"I'm a joker, I'm a smoker, I'm a midnight toker." (Steve Miller Band, "The Joker")
"I am the Eggman!" (The Beatles, "The Walrus")

Can the Corny Animals, Already!

"Hampster Dance" by Hampton the Hampster
"I'm a Gummy Bear" by Gummibar
"The Fox" by Ylvis ("Cow goes moo ...")
"Crazy Frog" by Axel F
Anything and everything by Alvin and the Chipmunks

Dis-honorable Mentions

"Teddy Bear" by Elvis Presley
"Go Away Little Girl" by the Osmonds
"Sussudio" by Phil Collins
"American Life" by Madonna
"Jump" by Van Halen
"Pour Some Sugar On Me" by Def Leppard
"It's My Life" by Bon Jovi
"Ego" by Beyoncé
"Believe" by Cher
"The Joker" by Steve Miller
"Cherry Pie" by Warrant
"Shiny Happy People" by REM
"Jack and Diane" by John Mellencamp
"The Beat Goes On" by Sonny & Cher
"How Deep Is Your Love" by the Bee Gees
"Soul Sister" by Train
"Love Is Real" by John Lennon
"Sex On Fire" by Kings of Leon
"Drips" by Eminem
"Horse With No Name" by America
"We Built This City" by Starship
"Rockstar" by Nickelback
"Miracles" by Insane Clown Posse
"Fanny Be Tender With Your Love" by the Bee Gees
"Like A Rock" by Bob Seeger
"Ballad Of A Thin Man" by Bob Dylan
"Glory Days" by Bruce Springsteen
"Bright Eyes" by Art Garfunkel
"I Love New York" by Madonna
"Your Body is a Wonderland" by John Mayer
"One Call Away" by Charlie Puth
"What Makes You Beautiful" by One Direction
"#Selfie" by The Chainsmokers
"Stars Are Blind" by Paris Hilton

Songs with No Redeeming Value Whatsoever

Some of the songs on this page do have moments of lucidity, emotional connections, perhaps even greatness or at least goodness. But these songs have no redeeming value whatsoever and are just excruciatingly bad from beginning to end:

"Stupid Hoe" by Nicki Minaj
"My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas
"Go Away Little Girl" by the Osmonds
"Whip My Hair" by Willow Smith
"Friday" by Rebecca Black
"I’m a Gummy Bear" (The Gummy Bear Song) by Gummibar
"That’s Not My Name" by The Ting Tings
"Beverly Hills" by Weezer
"Bugs" by Pearl Jam
"Queen of the Supermarket" by Bruce Springsteen
"Get on Your Boots" by U2
"My World" by Guns 'n' Roses
"Ben" by Michael Jackson and the Jackson 5
"You Can Call Me Al" by Paul Simon
"Gangnam Style" by Psy
"Rock and Roll Heaven" by the Righteous Brothers
"Jump" by Van Halen
"Longfellow Serenade" by Neil Diamond
"Dancing in the Streets" by David Bowie and Mick Jagger
"Might as Well Get Juiced" by the Rolling Stones
"Mother" by Sting and the Police
"Staying Power" by Queen
"I Write the Songs" as performed by Barry Manilow
"Champagne Supernova" by Oasis
"All I Wanna Do Is Make Love to You" by Heart
"Having My Baby" by Paul Anka
"MacArthur Park" written by Jimmy Webb, as performed by Richard Harris
"I Don't Want to Wait" by Paula Cole

Most Hated Singers

I consulted a number of different polls, and these appear to be the consensus rankings (with #1 being the most hated): Justin Bieber (#1 in every poll), Kanye West (#2), Chris Brown (#3), Lil' Wayne (#4), Taylor Swift (#5), Miley Cyrus (#6), Nicki Minaj (#7), Pitbull (#8), Insane Clown Posse (#9), Ke$ha (#10)

Dishonorable Mention: Rebecca Black, Rihanna, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Courtney Love, One Direction, Ariane Grande, Limp Bizkit/Fred Durst, John Mayer, Jason Derulo, Carly Rae Jepsen, will.i.am, Shakira, Chainsmokers, Adele, Iggy Azalea

So there you have it: the worst song lyrics of all time, according to me. Of course records are meant to be broken (please pardon the pun), so stay tuned for more abysmally bad lyrics, which surely lie in waiting around the next bend ...

Related pages: The Best Singers of All Time, The Best Singer-Songwriters, The Best Female Singer/Songwriters, The Best Songs of All Time, The Best Sad Songs, The Best Protest Songs and Poems, The Best Love Songs, Rock Jukebox: the Poetry of Rock, The Best Vocal Performances of All Time, The Worst Song Lyrics Ever, The Most Overrated Songs of All Time, The Best Rock Lyrics, The Best Female Poets, The Best Sappho Translations, The Best Metaphors and Similes, The Best Lines from Songs and Poems

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