The Worst Song Lyrics Ever Written
Who wrote the worst song lyrics of all time?
I'm a "lyric man." I love good music, but bad lyrics set my teeth on
edge. These are, in my opinion, the worst song lyrics of all time ...
The Top Ten Worst Song Lyrics of All Time (with number one being the worst of all)
Any song sung (or, more correctly, not sung) by Milli Vanilli; however, they get one-sixteenth of a
gold star for being the only act listed here wise enough to not actually sing
Any numbingly monotonous and repetitious song by K. C. and the Sunshine Band (which means take your pick from their entire catalog).
(#8) "Ben" by the Jackson Five has perhaps the most ludicrous theme of all time,
since it's a melodramatic, wildly over-hyped love song to a rat. Eeek!
"Ice, Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice and "Champagne Supernova" by Oasis
(tie): is your tiebreaker a grotesquely inflated ego or grandiloquent lyrics?
"All I Wanna Do Is Make Love to You" by Heart; all we wanna do is not
hear another freakin' cliché!
"All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight" by Hank Williams Jr.;
male chauvinism hit its absolute peak here ... or at least until Donald Trump decided to run
for head alpha male.
"Having My Baby" by Paul Anka; innocent babies deserve much better
than mothers who show their "love" by providing their eggs to be
"My Way" as performed by bad lounge and
karaoke acts around the globe: "The record shows that WE
took the blows when you sang it your egomaniacal way!"
"McArthur Park" as performed melodramatically, pretentiously and
by Richard Harris. Someone left your brain out in the rain and it got all soggy.
Paula Cole's stunningly terrible "I Don't Want to Wait" with the worst
song lyric ever penned: "Say a little prayer for I" ... and she sings it
and over and
over like a broken record! Shades of Marco Roboto!
The Most Annoying Songs of All Time
Anything sung by a chipmunk or hamster, or with the aid of helium.
Anything sung by Barry Manilow, but especially "I Write the Songs" (which he
didn't even write, sheesh!).
Anything Miley Cyrus sings in her skimpy undies in an attempt to distract us from the
Karaoke versions of "My Way." The song sounds cheesy enough when sung by someone
with actual accomplishments, such as Frank Sinatra or Elvis Presley!
Karaoke versions of "Moves Like Jagger." If you are singing karaoke, you quite
obviously do not have moves (or vocal cords) like Jagger.
Lines that Make Us Go "Eeeew!"
Ed Sheeran wins this category by asking his lover "Will
your mouth still remember the taste of my love?" when they reach age 70.
Eeeew! The next line is
nearly as yucky: "Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?" Is
Sheeran singing a
love song to a badly-assembled Bride of Frankenstein? Who has eyes in their
cheeks? And to think that the song in question,
"Thinking Out Loud," won a Grammy. Double Eeeew!
Sheeran must specialize in bizarre lyrics. For instance, these lines from "Wake Me Up":
And I know you love Shrek
Because we’ve watched it 12 times.
Missy Elliot is a close runner-up with:
Take my thong off and my ass go boom!
Exploding asses? Quadruple Eeeew! Please keep that thong ON and for
chrissakes stop obsessing
about cartoon ogres!
Most Affected Pronunciations and Worst Annoying Mispronunciations
This award goes to Charlie Puth for his song "One Call Away," in
which he claims that "Superman ain't got nothin' on me." But Superman
does have something on Puth, because the Man of Steel knows that the word "me" is pronounced with a long "e," making it rhyme
with "sea" and "tree." Puth tries to make "me" rhyme with "away,"
stretching it out into numerous bizarre syllables, resulting in a verbal monstrosity.
How may syllables are there in the word "bridge"? If you guessed one, you
guessed wrong, according to Adele singing "Water Under the
Bridge." Adele somehow manages to pronounce "bridge" as though it has a
dozen or more syllables. She must REALLY work on her breath control! (Adele has
a lot of things going for her, but an unaffected singing style is not one of them.)
Hoobastank really stanks up the joint by emphatically screaming "And the reason
is YO!!!" Does true love force one
to resort to pidgin English? In softer parts of the song, "you" is pronounced
the normal way, making the delivery seem schizophrenic.
Matchbox 20 gets a demerit for their cover of "Freshmen," a great song except
for the lament "We were merely Frashmen."
Ed Sheeran makes another appearance, again for
"Thinking Out Loud," when he wails "People fool in
love in mysterious ways." Quintuple Eeeew!
The most common mispronunciation in a popular song may occur in The Star
Spangled Banner: "... whose broad stripes and bright stars through the
pehr-oh-luss fight ..." Ironically, the second-most mispronounced word may
occur in the same song, and it's the word America! How many famous singers have belted
out "uh-mehr-uh-kuh" over the years, creating a triple rhyme with
Other artists who can be very affected and/or pretentious: Justin Timberlake
("Suit and Tie"), Tiny Tim ("Tiptoe Through the Tulips"), Liza Minnelli ("Life is a
Cabaret"), Vitamin Z ("Burning Love"), Chloe Lattanzi (the daughter of Olivia
Newton-John), and Elaine Page ("Memory")
But perhaps the ultimate mispronunciation award goes to David Bowie, who seems
to have consistently mispronounced his stage name. The glam star was born David
Jones, but he decided to change his name to avoid confusion with Davvy Jones of
the Monkees. He explained that he decided to name himself after the "ultimate"
knife, the Bowie knife. Now Texan pioneer Jim Bowie pronounced his name "boo-ee"
(rhymes with "dewy"), but video footage of the singer clearly indicates that he
pronounced his last name "boh-ee" (rhymes with "snowy").
Hammiest Performances and Worst "Over the Top" Performances
A closely related category is "hammy" singing and dancing, as in "hamming it
up." In this category, no one can possibly hold a candle to our co-winners ...
"Hammy" Sammy Davis Jr. performing "Mr. Bojangles" like a deeply tanned English
troubadour, wearing impossibly tight pants with what I hope is a sock (but pray
to never know with any surety).
Richard Harris pretentiously and bombastically performing "MacArthur Park" like
King Lear on a bad acid trip. All that "sweet green icing flowing down"
given him a sugar high.
Not really close, but worth a dishonorable mention: David Lee Roth, Boy George, Madonna, Lady
Gaga, Freddy Mercury, Adam Lambert, David Bowie, Iggy Pop, Meatloaf, KISS, and just
about any "hair" band.
Worst Use of Mindless, Mind-Numbing Repetition
This is by far the easiest category to judge. Any song by K. C. and the Sunshine
Band wins, hands down. Some rock bands have been accused of playing the same
three chords over and over again. K. C. and the Sunshine Band
upped the ante by also droning the same three
words over and over again, ad infinitum:
I'm your boogie-man ... I'm your boogie-man ... I'm your boogie-man ... I'm your
boogie-man ... I'm your boogie-man ...
Get down tonight ... Get down tonight ... Get down tonight ... Get down tonight
... Get down tonight ... Get down tonight ...
Shake-shake-shake, shake-shake-shake, shake your booty ...
Shake-shake-shake, shake-shake-shake, shake your booty ...
K. C. and the Sunshine Band, you are not our boogeyman, but the bogeyman to
anyone who appreciates good lyrics!
Justin Bieber gets a special dishonorable mention for
his song "Baby," which repeats the word "baby" over and over like a broken
Paul McCartney also seems to be channeling a broken record in "Live and Let Die":
You know you did you know you did you know you did ...
Live and let die (live and let die) live and let die (live and let die) ...
Rihanna repeats the word "cake" incessantly in "Birthday Cake."
James Blunt gets an unhonorable mention for:
You're beautiful ... you're beautiful ... you're beautiful ... it's true ... (After you've told us something repeatedly, is it
to insist that what you told us is true, unless you're a serial liar?)
Nicki Minaj gets a special dishonorable mention for tasteless and classless
repetition in "Stupid Hoe":
You a stupid hoe / You a / You a stupid hoe / (stupid, stupid)
The Black Eyed Peas are also contenders in this dismal category with "My Humps":
My hump, my hump, my hump (ha!), my lovely lady lumps (check it out!)
And then of course there is "Who Let the Dogs Out" by Baha Men.
Juvenile Songs with Insipid and/or Illogical Lyrics
For some unfathomable reason there are a number of copycat songs in which whiny
singers with tremulous voices agonize over every detail of their brattish lives,
then insist triumphantly that they will "never grow old" or will somehow escape
or ignore the hand of time. But if their lives are so miserable, wouldn't it be
better for them to mature and move ahead quickly?
Nostalgia is fine and good, but only if the experiences were happy! Examples of
the illogical genre include:
"Can't Feel My Face" by The Weeknd with the contradictory lines "And I know
she'll be the death of me" but "... we'll ... stay
forever young." Oh really?
"Forever Young" by Alphaville with the contradictory lines "Sitting in a
sandpit, life is a short trip" but still the singer wants to be "forever young."
"Closer" by the Chainsmokers with various doleful lamentations followed by the
ebullient chorus "We ain't never gettin' older!"
"Never Grow Up" by Taylor Swift
"Here's to Never Growing Up" by Avril Lavigne
"Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry with the unlikely and far-from-original chorus "You and I will be young forever!"
"Forever Young" by Rod Stewart
"Forever Young" by Bob Dylan, the song's original author; Dylan wrote the 1973
song as a lullaby for his infant son and pop's
terrible tykes have been gravitating to it ever since!
Baby-Talk by Adult Singers
In this related category, adult singers choose to sound like blubbery infants
Taylor Swift actually sounds kinda cute when she complains that she knew a bad
boy was "twubble" when he walked in ("I Knew You Were Trouble").
"Pillow Talk" by Zayn gets off to a pretty decent start but then he descends
into babyish babbling with "Be in the bed all day." He sounds like he needs a
nice long nap, followed by remedial elocution lessons!
"Cheap Thrills" by Sia alternates adult talk with baby talk: she hits the "dans"
floor and doesn't need "dollah" bills or "muh-huh-huh-honey" to have fun tonight
with her "bay-ay-ay-ay-bee"!
Impossible and Implausible Song Lyrics
"When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful,
a miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical.
And all the birds in the trees,
well they'd be singing so happily,
joyfully, playfully watching me.
But then they sent me away to teach me how to be
sensible, logical, responsible, practical.
And they showed me a world where I could be
so dependable, clinical, intellectual, cynical."
"The Logical Song" by Supertramp is highly illogical, because birds do not send
boys to schools where they are taught to be logical! Or perhaps the songwriter
employed the pronoun "they" without a clear referent, in which case he/she is
hardly an "intellectual"!
More illogical song lyrics:
"I am the Walrus." (Walruses don't speak.)
"Like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down." (Bridges do not lay
themselves down, or anywhere else.)
"Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti." (The Kilimanjaro
is more than a hundred miles from the Serengeti.)
"... coast to coast,
L.A. to Chicago ..." (L.A. is on the west coast, but Chicago is not on the east
"Scars to Your Beautiful" is an inspiring song, but the line "she knows no
limits" makes no sense, because the entire song is about the limits an anorexic
cutter puts on herself, or allows others to impose on her.
"As God has shown us by turning stones to bread ..." (Jesus turned water into
wine, according to the Bible, but he refused to turn stones into bread when
Satan tempted him in the wilderness!)
"My sweet Lord." (Any so-called "Lord" who sentences all his creatures to suffer
and die is anything but "sweet.")
Worst Line in a Great Song
This award goes to Simon and Garfunkel's classic "Bridge Over Troubled Water"
for the line:
Sail on silver girl, sail on by ...
Paul Simon allowed Art Garfunkel to contribute the line above. But Simon didn't care
for it, and neither do I. It doesn't completely ruin the song, but it seems cutesy and out
of place in a dark masterpiece, as if ET suddenly showed up peddling
a bicycle across the moon during a performance of Macbeth.
Close runners-up include "Let It Be" by the Beatles and "Roxanne" by the Police,
for excessive repetition. Too much of a good thing can become a very bad thing:
if Shakespeare had repeated his best refrain too many times, he could have
crossed over into K. C. and the Sunshine Band territory: "I am your Bard of
Avon. I am your Bard of Avon. I am your Bard of Avon. I am your Bard of Avon."
Shakespeare knew when to stop beating a dead horse. Some modern songwriters evidently
Most Blatantly Chauvinistic Song Lyrics of All Time
The clear winner in this category is a hard-drinking hillbilly, Hank
Williams Jr., who brags in "All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight":
I got girls that can cook,
I got girls that can clean,
I got girls that can do anything in between ...
What Junior means seems obvious: as long as he provides the machismo,
testosterone, fame, booze and drugs, he can depend on "girls" to cook for him,
clean for him, and "take care of him." Paul Anka runs a close second
Having my baby;
what a lovely way of saying
that you're thinking of me ...
It would be much better for the world (and especially for unborn children) if people
explained how they felt, used birth control, and didn't have babies for preposterous
Thin Lizzy comes in
third―but not for the lack of trying to be alpha male
piggies―with "The Boys are Back in Town":
It won't be long till summer comes
Now that the boys are here again!
Testosterone-infused truants who dress to kill, drink like fish, then spill
blood on a regular basis, still have the magical power to summon the sun and
summer! Who'da thunk it?
Other prime contenders include "Under My Thumb" by the Rolling Stones,
"Centerfold" by the J. Geils Band, "Keep Your Hands to Yourself" by the Georgia
Satellites, "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-a-Lot, "Got to Give It Up" by Marvin
Gaye, "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke, "Young Girl" by Gay Puckett and the Union
Gap, "Girl You'll Be a Woman Soon" by Neil Diamond, "She's a Lady" by Tom Jones,
"Brown Sugar" by the Rolling Stones, "It Must Be Him (or I Shall Die)" by Vikki
Carr, "Wishin' and Hopin'" by Dusty Springfield, "Son of a Preacher Man" by
Dusty Springfield, "Rag Doll" by Frank Valli and the Four Seasons, "Cuddly Toy"
by the Monkees, "Stand By Your Man" by Tammy Wynette, "Hard to Handle" by the
Black Crowes, "Lightnin' Strikes" by Lou Christie, "Hotline Bling" by Drake
Worst Wedding Songs
This is a truly weird category, because people actually get married to these
stalker "love" songs. The most famous stalker wedding song is
"Every Breath You Take" by Sting and the Police. Brides should blush (as should grooms) if they get married to the
Big Brother-ish strains of:
Every breath you take,
every move you make ...
I'll be watching you.
Heart's "Alone" runs a close second, with these disturbing stalker lines:
And now it chills me to the bone:
how do I get you alone?
Ironically, the rock song with perhaps the best lyrics of all time almost falls
into this category, as couples sometimes get married to U2's magnificent "One."
While "One" is not a stalker song, it still defies logic that
couples can walk
down the aisle to lyrics like:
Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus
to the lepers in your head?
"One" is a song about a relationship on very dire rocks. The disgruntled speaker
points out that he shouldn't be expected to go without sex with other people, just because his
lover has given up on their love life:
Did I disappoint you,
or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act as if you never had love
and you want me to go without?
"One" isn't about couples walking down the aisle arm-in-arm, but about one
partner crawling abjectly to the other:
You say love is a temple;
love, a higher law ...
you ask me to enter,
but then you make me crawl ...
"One" is a great song, a masterpiece. But it is not wedding song material,
unless the couple is planning to have a very quick, bitter, acrimonious divorce!
Worst Gratuitous Rhyme
The Steve Miller Band wins with:
I want to reach out and grab ya.
The Chainsmokers grab second place with these nonsensical lines from "Closer":
So baby pull me closer
In the backseat of your Rover
That I know you can't afford
Bite that tattoo on your shoulder
Pull the sheets right off the corner
Of the mattress that you stole
From your roommate back in Boulder
We ain't ever getting older
Good luck with that "We ain't ever getting older" thingy!
Train is also in the abysmal running with "Drive By" ...
Oh I swear to you
I'll be there for you
This is not a drive by
Just a shy guy
Looking for a two-ply
Hefty bag to hold my love!
Train scores again, sorta, with "Hey, Soul Sister" ...
Your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains ...
The smell of you in every single dream I dream ...
My heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest ...
Sextuple Eeeew! (emphasis on the "sex").
Worst Imitation of the Marquis de Sade
This highly dubious award goes to "Your Body is a Wonderland"
by John Mayer:
You tell me where to go and
Though I might leave to find it
I'll never let your head hit the bed
Without my hand behind it
Most Hideous Mangling of Grammar and/or Logic
This award goes to
Paula Cole's stunningly terrible "I Don't Want to Wait." The song opens with
lines so excruciatingly bad they are painful to remember, much less (pause to vomit) sing:
So open up your morning light
And say a little prayer for I.
You know that if we are to stay alive
And see the peace in every eye ...
She had two babies
One was six months, one was three
In the war of '44 ...
First, how the hell does one "open up" a light? Second, it would be "say a little prayer for
me." The improper use of "I" is incredibly grating, the
single worst lyric I have ever experienced. Third, lines three and four make absolutely no sense: if we are to stay
alive and see the peace in every eye, what must we think or do? Fourth, the song
is about World War II, in which millions of people were fighting and killing
each other, so to "see the peace in every eye" seems like wild overstatement.
Fifth, how can a mother
have one baby that is six months old and another that is only three months old?
Swine have a gestation period of three months; is the mother dropping human
babies, or piglets? I suppose Cole may mean that one baby is six months old and
the other is three years old, but at this early
point in the song I'm so out of sorts that I have lost confidence in her ability
to say what she means in decent English. Sixth, what is "the war of '44"? World
War II began in 1939 and ended in 1945, so to call it the war of a particular
year seems very odd. But then the whole song is a logical and grammatical trainwreck.
John Cougar Mellencamp comes in a distant second with this line from "Jack and Diane":
Suckin' on a chili dog outside the Tasty Freeze ...
Who the hell "sucks" on a chili dog?
Bob Seger gets an ungolden star for comparing himself to a rock "chargin' from
the gate" in "Like a Rock." All the rocks I have ever encountered
were inanimate objects.
"I'm down on my knees, searching for the answer… Are we human or are we dancer?"
(The Killers, "Human")
"I'm serious as cancer when I say rhythm is a dancer!" (SNAP, "Rhythm Is A
"In the desert you can remember your name, for there ain't no-one for to give
you no pain." (America, "Horse With No Name")
"Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones." (Coldplay, "Fix You")
"I bought a ticket to the world but now I've come back again." (Spandau Ballet,
"Keep the blood flowing down to your feet, Brother Lois will be around in a
minute, with a bucket filled with squirreled meat." (Prince, "Superfunkycalifragisexy")
Most Cliché-Ridden Monstrosity
Heart's "All I Wanna Do Is Make Love to You" makes me want to
hurl because it's constructed out of a relentless series
of miserably bad clichés, and even worse, it makes no sense. Why borrow other
people's words only to mangle them?
So we found this hotel;
it was a place I knew well.
We made magic that night.
Oh, he did everything right!
He brought the woman out of me,
so many times, easily.
And in the morning when he woke
all I left him was a note:
I told him, "I am the flower;
you are the seed.
We walked in the garden;
we planted a tree.
Don’t try to find me,
please don’t you dare.
Just live in my memory,
you’ll always be there."
I believe that what the female speaker means to say is that she wrote her
one-night stand a note, then left before he woke up and read it. And how on earth
can a flower and a seed walk together in a garden and plant a tree? What she
probably means to say is that she was the flower and her lover supplied the
"pollen," which then resulted in a seed, which later grew into a new flowering tree
(i.e., a child) somewhere in an Edenic garden. But the lyrics are so godawfully bad, stilted and prosaic,
who can muster the patience to decipher them?
Worst Mangling of Image, Metaphor, Facts and/or Logic
While I like the song "Strawberry Wine," I grimace every time I
hear the lines:
... green on the vine,
like strawberry wine.
Obviously, it is the strawberries that grow green on the vine, not the "wine."
Sade runs a close second and is hardly a "smooth operator" with:
... coast to coast,
L.A. to Chicago ...
There are many cities on the East Coast, so why name a city that lies several hundred miles inland?
"Caught beneath the landslide in a champagne supernova in the sky." (Oasis,
"I know a mouse and he hasn't got a house. I don't know why, I call him Gerald."
(Pink Floyd, "Bike")
More Bad Logic
Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
An' if I stay it will be double!
Someone should inform the Clash that if leaving will cause trouble and staying
will double the trouble, then obviously it is time to go!
Most Ostentatiously Overblown Lyrics Imaginable
"My Way" would be a good candidate, except that "McArthur Park" is so overblown that no other song can possibly rival it:
Spring was never waiting for us, girl;
it ran one step ahead
as we followed in the dance
between the parted pages and were pressed,
in love's hot, fevered iron
like a striped pair of pants ...
MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark,
all the sweet, green icing flowing down ...
Someone left the cake out in the rain.
I don't think that I can take it
'cause it took so long to bake it
and I'll never have that recipe again ...
Oh, no, indeed! If anyone thinks these are good lyrics, I have some stinky
swampland to sell at grossly inflated prices. Barry Manilow's pompous "I
Write The Songs" is another ridiculously overblown song, as are Neal
Diamond's "Longfellow Serenade" and "Forever in Blue Jeans,"
but they all pale in comparison
to "McArthur Park." However, Manilow rates a special dishonorable
mention because he didn't write "I Write the Songs" despite singing so
bombastically that he did. The song was written by a former Beach Boy, Bruce
Johnston, who should also be deeply ashamed.
Most Ego-Saturated Song Lyrics Ever Written
While I would again like to consider the haplessly and hopelessly egocentric "My
Way" for some highly dubious honor, I'm afraid this one will have to be a tie
between "Rico Suave" and "Ice, Ice Baby." But since the
peculiarly pallid rapper known as
"Vanilla Ice" plagiarized David Bowie's and Queen's "Under Pressure," let's
make that the tiebreaker. And how can we possibly disagree with someone who confesses:
I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom?
Indeed, he is! At least Sinatra and Elvis had talent to back up
their outbursts of verbal bombast.
Vanilla Ice managed to turn sheer hubris into fifteen seconds of fame,
to our eternal shame. I vote we all tell "Ice" to take a chill pill.
Other candidates for this award include "Let's Wang Chung Tonight" and "I'm Too
Sexy for My Shirt." (The video proves you're not.)
Most Blatantly Untrue Lyrics Ever Performed
On the subject of "things vanilla," as in white-washed over, how about "Girl,
You Know It's True" by Milli Vanilli, the group that didn't really sing its
own songs? While other groups have been accused of lip-synching, Milli Vanilli took not
singing to extraordinary new heights (or depths). The lyrics should have been:
Girl, you know it's true
that when we "sing," we're lying through
our Ultra-Bright teeth to you!
Most Nonsensical and Incomprehensible Lyrics of All Time
Here, the hands-down winner is the famously incomprehensible "Louie, Louie" by
the Kingsmen. This is a song with lyrics so obscure the FBI tried to prosecute
the group for obscenity, but after two years
had to admit defeat. Why? Because to this day, no one has a clue what the
song actually says, much less means. Who can properly interpret its half-mumbled, half-sung
lyrics? The most comprehensible part of this alleged "song" remains its guitar
solo. It might be an innocent song about "having to go" to Jamaica, or it might
be an demonic call to destroy all that is innocent and holy. If anyone truly knows, they are not telling.
"In A Gadda Di Vida" by Iron Butterfly runs a close second in this
category. As the story goes,
the original lyric was "In the Garden of Eden," but lead singer
Doug Ingle became so intoxicated that he slurred the words. The rest, as they
say, is history. Steve Miller's "The Joker" comes in
a strong third,
with the supremely incomprehensible lines:
Some people call me the space cowboy, yeah
Some call me the gangster of love
Some people call me Maurice
'Cause I speak of the pompitous of love
"Some people call me 'moron' because I sing gibberish" would be much more
Little Richard's "Tutti Frutti" was originally about the joys of sodomy, but
once the lyrics had been changed to pass muster with the Pat Boone crowd, it
failed to make any sense whatsoever.
"Sussudio" by Phil Collins is simply ghastly; it's probably better for us not to
know what the unuttered "word" is.
"Whiter Shade of Pale" has famously obscure lyrics, but seems to be about a
woman turning pale when she is propositioned in a bar, with allusions to
Geoffrey Chaucer and his "Miller's Tale."
"Who Let the Dogs Out?" by Baha Men begs the question: "Why would anyone care?
Just let them back in, if they promise not to pee or poop in the house!"
"My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas seems to be about trading one's "humps" and
"lady lumps" for merchandise, by getting men drunk. What's not to understand,
except bragging about it in bad English?
"Gangnam Style" by PSL has been viewed more than a billion times and still no
one knows what the hell it means, except that terrible lyrics performed by
people with no talent can somehow "go viral."
"I Am the Walrus" makes sense compared to some of the other songs in
Most Absurdly Sentimental Song Lyric
Poets and songwriters try to make us "tear up" over all sorts of things, but
when the Beatles wept over an unswept floor, they lost all credibility. How can
we do anything but laugh over:
I look at the floor and I see it needs sweeping.
Still my guitar gently weeps.
But perhaps the lyric can make us cry, after all ... if only because it's so
wrenchingly bad. "Mrs. Robinson" by Simon and Garfunkel runs a close second,
with the sickly-sweet lines:
Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?
A nation turns its lonely eyes to you,
woo woo woo ...
Woo woo woo, indeed! The Yankee Clipper himself complained about the absurdity
of the song, pointing out that he hadn't "gone" anywhere at the time.
Third place goes to Neal Diamond for:
I am, I said
to no one there,
and no one heard at all,
not even the chair ...
Let's not get all weepy about chairs not hearing our complaints!
Or how about "Ben," a heartfelt love song to a rat, crooned with
incredible (but not credible) anguish, by Michael
Jackson? Or, better yet, "Shannon," a tribute to a dog that is "drifting out to
sea," sung by the appropriately named Henry Gross? If the dog is still drifting
out to sea, why not launch a rescue, rather than just singing sadly about the
Close and definitely no cigar:
"Wind Beneath My Wings" by Bette Midler
"Can You Feel the Love Tonight" by Elton John
"My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion (Kate Winslett said the Titanic
theme song made her "want to throw up" and Dion didn't want to record it)
"Every Thing I Do (I Do it for You)" by Bryan Adams
"I Just Called to Say I Love You" by Stevie Wonder ("No chocolate-covered candy
hearts to give away"? Oh, really! Et tu, Stevie? Cheapskate, with all your
Truly Cheesy Love Songs
There is no clear winner in this category because there are so many worthy
(i.e., unworthy) candidates. So I'll pick one at random ... "You're
Beautiful" by James Blunt. "My life is brilliant," Blunt declares. Unfortunately
the same cannot be said about his lyrics! Was he named after a you-know-what?
Did it go to his head and impair his powers of perception? Well yes, the CD
version says that he was "fucking high," so now the mystery is officially
Other contenders to take the cheese ...
Any Elvis Presley love song performed bombastically during his lounge singer
days, when he looked like a bloated Evel Knievel
Any Michael Bolton love song
Any Lionel Ritchie love song
Any Barry Manilow love song
Any Kenny Rogers love song from his "Silver Fox" period
Any David Lee Roth gigolo love song, and any similar love songs sung by his
imitators (anyone who imitates DLR should immediately commit Hari Kari!)
Any other love song that involves jumping and kicking!
Any boy band love song
Any country music song about childhood lovers who meet in heaven
Any country music song about childhood lovers watching their daughter prepare to
Any country music song about a father watching his daughter get ready to go on a
first date while reminiscing about his first date with her mother
Any country music song that involves a man feeling sentimental about his car or
truck, usually after a hard bout of drinking
Any Bruce Springsteen or John Mellencamp song in which they reminisce about
baseball, steel mills, motorbikes, pink houses, sucking on chili dogs, etc.
"You Are So Beautiful" by Joe Cocker
"I Swear" by All-4-One
"Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley
"I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred
Beyond Silly Love Songs
"Groovy Kind of Love" by Phil Collins
"Sugar, Sugar" by the Archies ("You are my candy girl, and you got me wantin'
"Silly Love Songs" by Sir Paul McCartney and Wings
Most Pointlessly Obvious and Redundant Song LyricS
Van Halen wins this hotly-contested category for "Why Can't This Be Love," which
breathlessly informs us that:
Only time will tell
if we stand the test of time.
A very close runner-up is "The Fighter" by Keith Urban featuring Carrie
Your precious heart
is a precious heart.
Or how about this gem by Thin Lizzy:
"Tonight there's going to be a jailbreak, somewhere in this town."
Somewhere? Or would a jailbreak occur at a very obvious
location … the local jail,
Worst Tribute Song
My vote for the worst tribute song goes to "It's My Life" by Bon Jovi, with the
horrific line "Like Frankie said, I did it my way." First, who the hell calls Frank
Sinatra "Frankie"? Second, why quote one of the most overblown,
ego-saturated songs ever written? Third, if it's your life, not Frankie's, why not say
something "your way" and be much more original?
A close runner-up is "Rock and Roll Heaven" by the Righteous Brothers.
Lies, Fabrications and Wild Overstatement
"What else could I say? Everyone is gay." (Nirvana's "All Apologies"). If this
were true, none of us would be here!
Things No One Wants to See, Hear, Smell or Otherwise Experience
"Take my thong off and my ass go boom!" (Missy Elliott, "Work It")
"Young, black and famous, with money hanging out the anus." (Puff Daddy
featuring Mase, "Can't Nobody Hold Me Down")
"I'll show you I'm every inch the man – measure all that you think you can."
"I'll slink in when you boys are in a French knot." (Peaches, "Two Guys For
"Let me put my love into you babe, let me cut my cake with your knife." (AC/DC,
"Let Me Put My Love Into You")
"I love your pants around your feet … You're like my favourite damn disease." (Nickelback,
"Figure You Out")
"Oh babe, I wanna put my log in your fireplace." (Kiss, "Burn Bitch Burn")
"Bonafide ride, step aside my johnson. Yes I could in the woods of
Wisconsin." (Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Around The World")
Things Not to Brag About
"I'm a joker, I'm a smoker, I'm a midnight toker." (Steve Miller Band, "The
"I am the Eggman!" (The Beatles, "The Walrus")
"Teddy Bear" by Elvis Presley
"Go Away Little Girl" by
"Sussudio" by Phil Collins
"American Life" by Madonna
"Jump" by Van Halen
"Pour Some Sugar On Me" by Def Leppard
"It's My Life" by Bon Jovi
"Ego" by Beyoncé
"Believe" by Cher
Joker" by Steve Miller
"Cherry Pie" by Warrant
"Shiny Happy People" by REM
"Jack and Diane" by John Mellencamp
"The Beat Goes On" by Sonny & Cher
Deep Is Your Love" by the Bee Gees
"Soul Sister" by Train
"Love Is Real" by
"Sex On Fire" by Kings of Leon
"Drips" by Eminem
"Horse With No
Name" by America
This City" by Starship
"Rockstar" by Nickelback
Insane Clown Posse
"Fanny Be Tender With Your Love" by the Bee Gees
Rock" by Bob Seeger
"Ballad Of A Thin Man" by Bob Dylan
"Glory Days" by Bruce
"Bright Eyes" by Art Garfunkel
"I Love New York" by Madonna
"Your Body is a Wonderland" by John Mayer
"One Call Away" by Charlie Puth
Songs with No Redeeming Value Whatsoever
Some of the songs on this page do have moments of lucidity, emotional
connections, perhaps even greatness or at least goodness. But these songs have
no redeeming value whatsoever and are just excruciatingly bad from beginning to
"Stupid Hoe" by Nicki Minaj
"My Humps" by the Black-Eyed Peas
"Go Away Little Girl" by the Osmonds
"Whip My Hair" by Willow Smith
"Friday" by Rebecca Black
"I’m a Gummy Bear" (The Gummy Bear Song) by Gummibar
"That’s Not My Name" by The Ting Tings
"Beverly Hills" by Weezer
"Bugs" by Pearl Jam
"Queen of the Supermarket" by Bruce Springsteen
"Get on Your Boots" by U2
"My World" by Guns 'n' Roses
"Ben" by the Jackson 5
"You Can Call Me Al" by Paul Simon
"Gangnam Style" by Psy
"Rock and Roll Heaven" by the Righteous Brothers
"Jump" by Van Halen
"Longfellow Serenade" by Neil Diamond
"I Write the Songs" as performed by Barry Manilow
"Champagne Supernova" by Oasis
"All I Wanna Do Is Make Love to You" by Heart
"Having My Baby" by Paul Anka
"McArthur Park" written by Jimmy Webb, as performed by Richard Harris
"I Don't Want to Wait" by Paula Cole
So there you have it: the worst song lyrics of all time, according to me. Of
course records are meant to be broken (please pardon the pun), so stay tuned for more
abysmally bad lyrics, which surely lie in waiting around the next bend ...