The HyperTexts
Donald Trump Jokes
Donald Trump jokes by Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel,
Trevor Noah, Anderson Cooper, Seth Meyers, Jon Stewart, Jimmy Fallon, Bill
Maher, Cecily Strong, Lewis Black, Johnny Carson, Stephen Colbert, Will Ferrell,
Lisa Lampanelli, Albert Brooks, George Carlin, Kenan Thompson, Michael Che, Whitney Cummings,
Craig Ferguson, Seth MacFarlane, Bobby Moynihan, John Oliver, Joan Rivers, Chris
Rock, Jeffrey Ross and
many others.
The Best Election Joke Ever
The best joke about the 2015-2016 presidential campaign, and perhaps of all
time, may have been told by Adlai Stevenson during his 1956 run for the presidency. When a
woman called out, "Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!" the
quick-witted Stevenson shot back:
That's not enough, madam, we need a
majority!
More Donald Trump and Presidential Election Jokes
Yes, everybody likes Trump, even white supremacists, which is amazing because
Trump isn't even white ... He's more Oompa-Loompamerican.―Stephen Colbert
What Flubber was to physics, Trump is to politics: an antidote to gravity,
cooked up by a quirky but prodigious amateur.―David Von Drehle, TIME
cover article, January 18, 2016
Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However,
experts say, if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it
into a Trump property.―Conan O'Brien
I think Donald Trump and Jeb Bush are the frontrunners. It's kind of like the
race between the tortoise and the bad hair.―Jay Leno
Donald Trump keeps advising us to "GET SMART!" But he makes the stupidest
mistakes: birtherism, autism, Ebola, "the blacks," Bette, Rosie, Heidi, Paris in
Germany. That's Maxwell Smart territory.―Michael R. Burch
GET SMART, indeed! Recently, 41% of likely Trump voters said they supported
bombing Agrabah, the mythical city of Disney's Aladdin cartoon!―Michael R.
Burch
I will be covering all the presidential candidates ... who are Donald Trump.―Stephen Colbert, mocking the attention Trump gets compared to the other
candidates
The closest Donald Trump ever came to actual combat was daring Crazy Ben Carson
to stab him in the belt buckle; fortunately the hair-trigged psychopath was
napping at the time.―Michael R. Burch
I do think Donald Trump is honest in his own way. He is honestly an egomaniacal
billionaire.―Stephen Colbert
In order to comply with federal truth-in-advertising regulations, the
major networks have jointly announced that all news programs will now carry the
byline "All Trump all the time."―Michael R. Burch
Ted Cruz wants to abolish the IRS and repeal "every single word" of Obamacare.
He also wants to part the Red Sea, date the Abominable Snowman, and jump cows over
the moon.―Michael R. Burch
That thing on his head was the gopher in Caddyshack.―David Letterman
If you're suffering from irritable bowels, quick-acting Trump Dump provides
"elite constipation relief."―galleryoftheabsurd.com
Donald Trump said that he was running for president as a Republican. That's
funny, because I thought he was running as a joke.―Seth Meyers
Donald Trump is like what a hobo imagines a rich man to be. When he makes a
decision, he must think to himself: "What would a cartoon rich person do? ...
Run for president!"―John Mulaney
Why is Donald Trump orange from head to toe? Well, space cadets do drink lots of
Tang ...―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump gave a big speech in Dallas last night, and began by pointing out
that he wasn't using a teleprompter. Then he yelled at Gary Busey to hold the
cue cards higher.―Jimmy Fallon
If Dr. Carson was ever going to hit anybody with a hammer, it'd be Donald Trump
after all the things he said.―South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham
#DonaldTrump wants to deport 11 million people and have immigrants in future
only arrive for legal reasons, like marrying rich older men.―Janice Hough
Jimmy Kimmel's Lie Witness News accused Donald Trump of adjusting his
toupée during the third debate, before the debate started. Is this art imitating
life, or just comedians imitating Trump?
Mike Tyson has endorsed Trump, another reason for American women to swoon over
The Donald, in addition to his money, power, looks and patriarchal attitude.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump said he would replace Obamacare with something called Donaldcare.
He claims it would save billions by denying coverage to preexisting Hispanics.―Conan O'Brien
New national poll numbers show Dr. Ben Carson has pulled within four points of
frontrunner Donald Trump. And I'm sure it's not the first time Trump has been
closely pursued by a brain surgeon.―Seth Meyers
The entire first debate was basically a two-hour circus sideshow with an old
piece of luggage covered in Cheez Whiz as its center.―John Oliver
Donald Trump will bring to the presidency what the early leaders of America did:
fake hair.―@SarahRkein
Trump says he doesn't understand why he's sinking in the polls with
evangelicals. Could it be that they believe Jesus Christ is God, while Trump
believes He is God?―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump announces this morning that he will run for president. His hair
will announce on Friday.―Albert Brooks
Donald Trump just gave away the fact that he thinks he running for kingship,
when he talked about the Bush "reign."―Michael R. Burch
Donald
Trump accused Huma Abedin of sharing state secrets with
her husband. I think Trump clearly lacks a sense of Huma.―Michael R.
Burch
Trump Entertainment Resorts declared Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Or as Donald Trump
describes Chapter 11, "Back-to-back number ones!"―Conan O'Brien
Donald Trump warned the press to lay off that thing on his head, or he will sic
it at 'em.―Michael R. Burch
Today Donald Trump reaffirmed his stance against gay marriage. Trump said
marriage is between a rich guy and his much younger third wife.―Conan O'Brien
Experience? Republicans avoid that stuff like a gay son!―Bill Maher,
explaining the lack of experience of the GOP frontrunners for president
Did evangelical Christians mistake Donald Trump's hairpiece for a halo, while
ignoring the obvious signs that he worships Mammon?―Michael R.
Burch
Jimmy Kimmel described The Donald as "a president and an amusement park all rolled into one."
According to Larry Wilmore, Trump is a "gift" of the Comedy Gods to late night
comedians. (He is, it seems, the gift that keeps giving.)
It's simply not true that Donald Trump has no experience in foreign affairs.
Hell, two of his foreign affairs resulted in marriages!―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump insists that he is going to run for president. I guess he figures
if he can pull off that hairstyle, he can do anything.―Jimmy Kimmel
Yesterday in New York City, Donald Trump officially changed his political affiliation from Republican to Independent. And Donald's hair has switched from pelt to carpet sample.―Jay Leno
The truth can finally be told: Donald Trump's autism was caused by a vaccination
that went terribly wrong; it's not his fault that he can't relate to other people!―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump often appears on Fox News, which is ironic because a fox often
appears on his head.―Seth Meyers
What is Donald Trump telling Barack Obama supporters? Orange Is The New Black.―Unknown
Some lovers wear their hearts on their sleeves; Donald Trump is a comedian who
wears his best joke on his scalp.―Michael R. Burch
Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants, when an undocumented alien
has been occupying his head for the past two decades!―Unknown
People are mad a Donald Trump for allegedly making a joke about Megyn Kelly
having her period. Trump said, 'Trust me, I know what goes on down there,
because I'm a huge douche.'―Conan O'Brien
Donald Trump not only wants to mass deport 11 million Hispanics, he also wants
to deport the Taco Bell chihuahua.―Michael R. Burch
What Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un lack in humility, they make up for in hair
style.―blissgrunteled1
It's hard to forget that Donald Trump is rich, successful, handsome and
"intelligent" because he keeps reminding us every day. But is that intelligent?―Michael R. Burch
Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents—doesn't
work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump
has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it,
solid gold buildings, a harem. … This is what I've been waiting for my whole
life: a president who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying
asshole.―Lewis Black
I don't even have anything to say to him. He's said everything he wants to say.
He has no internal monologue, so it's not like you're going to find the secret
nugget he's been holding back. He's an open book—and that book doesn't have many
interesting words in it.―John Oliver
"Donald Trump is the most uninformed person I've ever met running for president
when it comes to foreign policy. He has no clue of what he's talking about.
Don't replace President Obama with Donald Trump; it will get worse, not better.
Mr. Trump's view of the world is really pretty delusional when you look at it.
He has no idea what he's talking about. And over time that will take a toll, I
hope. If it doesn't, here's what he's doing: He's building a third term for the
Democratic Party in the White House. He's building a wall between the Republican
Party and Hispanics. His immigration position is mean, is cruel, is impractical.
What he's saying is going to hurt us for generations to come with Hispanics, who
should be our voters. And his foreign policy is even more than naive than Barack
Obama. Other than that, he's a good candidate for president."―South Carolina
Senator Lindsey Graham
According to Conan O'Brien, it's hard to make up jokes about Donald Trump because
he's broken through a "crazy barrier" that no one has ever penetrated
before. (Well, perhaps Hitler and company.) For instance, Trump recently appeared at an anti-peace-with-Iran rally
with Sarah Palin and Ted Cruz. It is difficult to find anything amusing to say
about three warmongers who want to destroy another Middle Eastern country over
weapons it does not have, in order to "protect" the United States and Israel,
which do have nukes and thus are in no real danger of being "destroyed"
themselves. Nazi Germany claimed that it was "threatened" by Poland in order to
justify its invasion of Poland. But of course Poland posed no real threat to
Germany. American and Israeli fascists have used similar fictional "threats" to justify
the invasion of Iraq and the pending war with Iran. If there is another war
waged on false premises, it will be very difficult to tell jokes about the
people who started it. Trump, Palin and Cruz are jokes in that they lack sense.
But their cries for an attack on Iran are far from funny.
However, if you want to update your collection, there are more Donald Trump jokes
following on this page.
After Trump canceled a scheduled appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, the
host joked: "At least we didn't have to build a wall around Guillermo [his
Mexican sidekick and security guard.]"
Meanwhile, Trump continued to defame Hispanics, saying that if Ford builds a
factory in Mexico, "Illegals are going drive those cars right over the border
... and they'll probably end up stealing the cars." So according to Trump, even
if Mexicans have good-paying jobs, they will steal because that's their nature.
They don't cross the border and break laws because they're poor, but because
they're born lazy and shiftless. Trump reminds me of Nazis who portrayed Jews
and Gypsies as being dirty and dangerous by birth and nature.
Hispanic comedians are fighting fire with fire. "Los Hijos de Trump"—"Sons of
Trump"―premiered in Mexico City recently, to the delight of locals who want to
even the score with the New York tycoon who's made anti-immigrant sentiments a
pillar of his campaign. Throughout the show, the comedians take easy shots at
the conservative frontrunner. For instance, at an Indian meditation retreat,
Trump is naked except for a towel, black socks and shiny shoes. The audience
explodes with laughter as a monk ducks under the towel, clutching a magnifying
glass to locate Trump's manhood.
Meanwhile, Trump has been attacking Ben Carson since he became the Republican
frontrunner for president in some polls. Trump went a step further when he
diagnosed Dr. Ben Carson's malady, telling Bill O'Reilly: "When you suffer from
pathological disease, you're not really getting better unless you start taking
lots of pills and things." This was on the Fox News program The O'Reilly
Factor, which claims to be a "spin-free zone." Trump later tweeted that
"The Carson story is either a total fabrication or, if
true, even worse―trying to
hit mother over the head with a hammer or stabbing friend!"
Trump, who claims to be "the most militaristic person on the planet" also told
O'Reilly that Russia bombing targets in Syria is "terrific" even though there
are reports that Russia is not attacking ISIS, but other anti-Assad forces.
President Obama got in on the fun at a 2011 White House Correspondents'
Association dinner in Washington, D.C. At the time Trump was at the height of
his birther fantasies, and just days before the state of Hawaii had, at the
President's request, released Obama's long-form birth certificate in order to
end, or try to end, the nonsense. Having referred to that act, Obama joshed:
"I
know that he's taken some flack lately—no one is prouder to put this
birth-certificate matter to rest than the Donald. And that's because he can
finally get back to the issues that matter, like: Did we fake the moon landing?
What really happened in Roswell? And—where are Biggie and Tupac?" The President
went on, "We all know about your credentials and breadth of experience. For
example—no, seriously—just recently, in an episode of Celebrity
Apprentice"—there was laughter at the mention of the program's name. Obama
explained that, when a team did not impress, Trump "didn't blame Lil Jon or
Meatloaf—you fired Gary Busey. And these are the kinds of decisions that would
keep me up at night."
John Macks, a seven-time Emmy winner who wrote jokes for Jay Leno for 22 years,
has called Donald Trump a "gift" to comedy writers. Here are some of his zingers
...
As a longtime late-night writer, let me make confirm this: even if the far far
right abandons Trump over time, he can count on the support of late-night
writers until the polls close in November 2016.
Trump will say anything without thinking and without being hampered by the
facts. The man said he will defeat ISIS! How can he beat ISIS when he just got
the crap kicked out of him by 51 Miss USA contestants?
Trump is truly a politician in the truest meaning of the word. As Jay Leno once
said in his monologue: politics, comes from the Greek word poly, which means
many, and tics, which means bloodsucking insects.
We [comedy writers] need a good old-fashioned crazy candidate. And by crazy, I
mean crazy like a Fox ... News.
"I'm just like you, a regular Joe, but better." ―SNL's Taran Killam,
playing Donald Trump and proving that imitation is not always the sincerest form
of flattery
Q: What's the difference between Donald Trump and a professional criminal?
A: Professional criminals don't come up with lame excuses for things they
claim never happened.
Trump tried to explain his father's arrest at a KKK rally by first claiming that
his father was never at the rally, and then―in the same sentence―claiming
that the arrest didn't matter because no charges were filed. First, Trump denied
that his father had ever lived on the street listed in the newspaper report,
then he denied that his father was arrested. "There were zero charges against him. So
assuming it was him―I don't even think it was him, I never even heard about
it. So it's really not fair to mention. It never happened." Trump's response
was so surreal that the Times interviewer was prompted to refer to it as "pasta
against the wall."
Here's the deal, Mr. Art of the Deal. If it is a wig,
sue the wigmaker. If it isn't a wig, get one pronto.
And in the meantime, stop insulting other people's looks.―Michael R. Burch
A new study found that Donald Trump supporters have the worst grammar on
Facebook. Now angry Trump fans are saying: "Not true, my grammar is/was a great
person, and so is my grampa."―Left Coast Sports Babe
Congrats to the Toronto Blue Jays for winning AL East. Stand by for #Trump to
complain about immigrants taking more from Americans.―Left Coast Sports Babe
Donald Trump has been playing Aerosmith's power ballad "Dream On" at campaign
events, despite the protests of Steven Tyler. But does Trump realize that the
song concludes with the refrain, "Maybe tomorrow the Good Lord will take you
away"?
Trump continued to hammer Jeb Bush: "Bush has no money, he's meeting today with
mommy and daddy [in Texas], and they're working on his campaign. He's a guy
wants to run our country and he can't even run his own campaign."
Trump mocked Marco Rubio for sweating and drinking water: "Have you ever seen a
guy sweat like Rubio?" Trump asked.
Trump also derided Ben Carson as being "super low on energy." "He's even
lower-energy than Bush," Trump said. Trump also took a shot at Carson for his
religion. "I'm Presbyterian. That's down the middle of road," he said. "I mean,
Seventh-day Adventist I don't know about." Carson is a Seventh-day Adventist, a
Protestant denomination that believes in a literal reading of the Bible.
On Saturday Donald Trump had some unkind words for Arizona Senator John McCain.
Can you imagine being tortured 5 1/2 years in a Vietnamese prison camp, and then
a man whose greatest war-time accomplishment was brokering a peace treaty on
Celebrity Apprentice between Gary Busey and Meat Loaf belittles you and
calls you a loser?―Jimmy Kimmel
"I like interviewing him," Anderson Cooper told Meyers. "It's rare that you talk
to a politician who doesn't come with a huge entourage, which ironically Trump
does not. He just kind of shows up―in the lobby of his own building admittedly
... And he, you know, says what's on his mind, whether you agree with it or not.
And he attacks you in the process which is always entertaining."
Shades of Hitler's Moustache! Donald Trump is clearly the Führer's
hair apparent!―Michael R. Burch
The Donald claims to be a tough guy but is yugely afraid of
"cooties"―Hillary's urine, Megyn's period, mothers' breast-milk, even
Marco's innocuous beads of sweat.—Michael R. Burch
Ted Cruz is half Canadian and half Cuban. He has the wit of Justin Bieber combined with
the people skills of Scarface.―Bill Maher
Republican Ted Cruz announced that he will run for president in 2016. So
finally, Carnival is no longer the most dangerous cruise in America.―Jimmy
Fallon
Yesterday presidential candidate Ted Cruz said that he will in fact be signing
up for Obamacare despite saying earlier that he wants to repeal every word of
it.―Jimmy Fallon
It's a good thing he's signing up, because Cruz just went to the hospital in
hypocritical condition.―Jimmy Fallon
Stephen Colbert is right: Donald Trump is honest in his own way. He's even
honest about the fact that he s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-s the truth, lying in order to tell
people what they want to hear!―Michael R. Burch
According to Donald Trump, dishonesty is the best policy because the goal is not
to win with honor, but to win at any price (and then brag about it
incessantly).―Michael R. Burch
Mr. Trump claims he got to know Mr. Putin "very well" when they appeared on
60 Minutes. Welcome to Sarah Palin la-la-land, because they were
interviewed separately and never met.―Michael R. Burch
Ted Cruz isn't crazy; he's much worse. He does awful things by intelligent
design.―Jeb Lund, in Rolling Stone
Many presidents have believed in God, but Donald Trump evidently believes
that he
is God.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump really is a fan of the Bible, except that it's far too long for him
to read. So he just released a new, improved version, the Gospel According
to Trump. It reads: "I, Donald Trump, am God. Praise, worship, and adore Me
as I do Myself. Then all shall be Great, as I am Great. The End."―Michael R.
Burch
Donald Trump often appears on Fox, which is ironic because a fox often appears
on Donald Trump's head. If you're at the Washington Post table with Trump and
you can't finish your entree, don't worry, the fox will eat it.―Seth Meyers
The trouble with Donald Trump is that his thoughts turn into words.―Butch
Gilliam
Trump claims he'd be the "best jobs president that God ever created." But isn't
his claim to fame firing people?―Michael R. Burch
The closest Trump ever got to battle was his fight with Rosie O'Donnell.―Jimmy Kimmel
The slogan of the American Civil Rights Movement was "We shall overcome!" Donald
Trump's new campaign slogan is "We shall overcomb!"―Michael R. Burch
Rand Paul tried hard to upstage Donald Trump at the first debate, talking tough
about his guns and his right not to register them. But with his pixie-ish perm,
Paul does not impress me as the gunslinger type. Rand Paul is the RuPaul of
politics. He would do better to defend his right to carry an unregistered
blow-dryer and curling irons.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump's hairpiece has reportedly narrowed its list of running partners down to Don King, Kramer, William Shatner, Dolly Parton and Phil Spector,
and has no worries about being upstaged.―Michael R. Burch
After Donald Trump's derogatory comments about immigrants, NBC has officially cancelled Celebrity Apprentice. Think about it: Donald Trump isn't even president yet, and he's already made America a better place!―Conan O'Brien
Donald Trump isn't really running for president, come on! This is obviously a new reality show,
Celebrity Presidential Apprentice. It ends with the incompetent
celebrity being berated, humiliated, then unceremoniously fired.―Michael R. Burch
Due to Donald Trump entering the presidential race, season 15 of Celebrity
Apprentice will not air. But don't worry. With Trump running for president,
you'll still get to see an irrelevant B-list celebrity not get a job.―Conan
O'Brien
Donald Trump is running for president, which so far is everything I could have
hoped for and more. He made his announcement in front of a packed crowd of
supporters. But according to The Hollywood Reporter, his camp hired
actors to go and then hold up signs and cheer for him. Well, Trump did say he
was going to create jobs. Trump's people deny these allegations. But the casting
agency that supposedly sent out the job listing refused to comment. I don't
blame Trump. It's embarrassing. It's the political equivalent of paying kids to
come to your birthday party.―Jimmy Kimmel
Trump has officially changed his name to Ronald because he's such a clown, and
in sympathy his toupée is changing its name to Bozo.―Michael R. Burch
In his presidential announcement speech yesterday, Donald Trump pledged to
become 'the greatest jobs president that God ever created.' This is from the man
who coined the catch phrase 'You're fired.'―Conan O'Brien
Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency
until after the current season of Celebrity Apprentice wraps up. Say
what you want about Trump, at least this guy has his priorities in order. He
doesn't want to let actual reality get in the way of his reality show.―Jay
Leno
Even Donald Trump's hairpiece is fed up with his insults and says it now
supports Bernie Sanders. When Trump found out, he sobbed, "Et tu, Toupée?"―Michael R. Burch
Jon Stewart was especially pleased with Trump's presidential campaign
announcement speech, which the Daily Show host characterized as "over half an
hour of the most beautifully ridiculous jibber-jabber." For the
soon-to-be-departing host, it was an embarrassment of riches. "Thank you. Thank
you, Donald Trump, for making my last six weeks my best six weeks," Stewart
said. "He is putting me in some kind of comedy hospice where I'm getting just
straight morphine."
Donald Trump is running for president, and I couldn't be happier about it. He
promised he would be 'the greatest jobs president that God ever created.' I
think President Trump would be a very good thing for jobs in this country―specifically for my job here at this show.―Jimmy Kimmel
In addition to proving that he is a natural-born American citizen, I believe Ted
Cruz should be forced to prove that he is warm-blooded and has a viable
heart.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump announced today he is running for president of the United States.
Traditionally that means six more weeks of comedy.―Conan O'Brien
After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off
of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on
Animal Planet.―Conan O'Brien
When Donald Trump becomes president, he'll fly on a jumbo jet rebadged Hair
Force One. It will be oversized to contain his massive ego, and will have all
the latest and greatest blowdryer technology.―Michael R. Burch
President Obama poked fun at Mr Trump's unexpected rise to the top among the
many Republican candidates vying for president on the Daily Show, saying: "I'm
sure the Republicans are enjoying Mr Trump's dominance in their primary." Jon
Stewart responded: "Anything that makes them look less crazy."
Not good. In fact, Trump's people are telling him to lay low for awhile
until this all combs over.―Jimmy Fallon, in response to the flak over Trump's
suggestion that John McCain is not a war hero because he was captured.
At a campaign event in South Carolina, Trump gave out Senator Lindsey Graham's
personal cellphone number. He's bringing the same level of class to this
presidential election that one does to a stall in a public restroom.―Jimmy
Kimmel
At a campaign event today, Donald Trump read Senator Lindsey Graham's cellphone
number aloud on live TV. It's the craziest thing Trump has done since whatever
he did right before that.―Seth Meyers
What do we get when the Donald exposes his enormous ass? A trump roast.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump's campaign has raised about $100,000 in donations during the
second quarter. Which raises an important question: Who is giving Donald Trump
money? That's like giving your money to a pile of money.―Jimmy Fallon
In a recent interview, John McCain addressed Trump's campaign rally in Arizona
and said that he just 'fired up the crazies.' Not to be confused with Trump's
show Celebrity Apprentice, where he just FIRED the crazies.―Jimmy
Fallon
Researchers here in New York created a robot that actually passed a
self-awareness test. So if you're keeping score, that's robots: 1, Donald Trump:
0.―Jimmy Fallon
What do you call a comedian who runs for president? A trump card.―Michael R.
Burch
According to a new nationwide poll, Donald Trump now leads all other Republican
presidential candidates. But come on, if we elect him you know he'll just leave
us for a younger country.―Seth Meyers
After severing ties with Donald Trump, NBC is reportedly in talks with comedian
George Lopez to take over Celebrity Apprentice. So Trump's greatest nightmare
came true: a Hispanic guy took his job.―Seth Meyers
Some bad news for Donald Trump. The controversial remarks he's made since he
began his presidential campaign have cost his brand as much as $80 million. You
can tell things are rough for Trump because today he had to wipe his mouth with
a napkin instead of a 20.―Jimmy Fallon
Today Donald Trump's official Twitter account accidentally tweeted a photo of
him that also had images of Nazis in it. The Nazis are furious.―Conan O'Brien
Macy's has severed ties with Donald Trump and no longer will carry his men's
wear collection. From now on, men who want to look like Donald Trump will have
to hunt and kill their own hair piece. – Conan O'Brien
Donald Trump's Miss USA Pageant was last night. The title went to the
contestant who was the meanest to Miss Mexico.―Seth Meyers
It's very true that Ted Cruz is a man of conviction: he's convicted that it's
his way or the highway for those of us with functional hearts and
brains.―Michael R. Burch
But that hair? That is comedy entrapment. People are not attacking your hair,
they are defending themselves from something that appears like it's about to
attack them.―Jon Stewart on Donald Trump's complaints about people making fun
of his hair
A store in Houston is selling Donald Trump piñatas filled with candy. So
finally something good is going to come out of Donald Trump.―Conan O'Brien
Donald Trump announced that he's running for president. During his speech he
told the crowd that if elected he would be 'the greatest jobs president that God
ever created.' Then God said, 'Hey, don't drag me into this publicity stunt.'―Jimmy Fallon
Recent polls suggest that a Cuban-Canadian president fathered by a Castro
fundraiser may not rank all that high on the shopping lists of American voters,
after all.―Michael R. Burch
At his campaign launch, Donald Trump apparently paid extras $50 to cheer for
him at the rally. Trump said, 'Usually when I pay a person to like me, it's my
wife.'―Conan O'Brien
Donald Trump told ABC news that if he had Oprah as a running mate, they could
easily win. Although you know who'd definitely win? Oprah WITHOUT Donald Trump.―Jimmy Fallon
Under a Cruz Controller administration, independent thinking will no longer be
optional ... it will absolutely not be allowed!―Michael R. Burch
Ted Carnival Cruz and the Creep Cruzettes will now perform their smash hit,
"Let's Carpet Bomb Syria to See if the Sands Glow at Night!"―Michael R. Burch
Ted Cruz was obviously planted as a double agent by Fidel Castro as revenge for
the Bay of Pigs. Well played, Cuba! Today shutdowns, speaking Spanish mañana!―Michael
R. Burch
"First we say, you can't come into this country until I see you eat bacon while
singing a Christmas carol!"―SNL's parody
of Carson after he said only Christian refugees should be allowed to enter the
US
"Ben Carson's complete ineptitude makes you long for the days of 'Uz-beki-beki-stan-stan,""
said an Iowa Republican, referring to a disastrous Herman Cain interview four
years ago.
"Carson is so clueless," said an Iowa GOP insider, "he thinks the Kurds are a
special kind of Wisconsin cheese."
Ted Cruz released a presidential campaign video in Spanish. Cruz explained,
"It's important for me to reach out to the people I'm trying to deport."―Conan
O'Brien
Ted Cruz claims there aren't many conservatives in Manhattan. Perhaps, but then
there aren't many creepy Liberace impersonators in the White House
either.―Michael R. Burch
Political analysts are saying that as a candidate, Donald Trump is 'a totally
unqualified nuisance.' In other words, he is a legitimate contender for the
Republican nomination.―Conan O'Brien
Presidential hopeful Donald Trump said yesterday that he has better hair than
Senator Marco Rubio―a claim that was recently disproven by wind.―Seth
Meyers
Trump is running for president and he's wasting no time getting down to
business. In fact, just after his announcement he demanded to see Jeb Bush's
birth certificate.―Jimmy Fallon
Did you see Donald Trump's big announcement today? Trump is very confident. He
could be the only presidential candidate to ever pick himself as a running
mate.―Jimmy Kimmel
A lot of people aren't taking Trump seriously. But the fact of the matter is,
when Donald Trump makes an announcement, people listen―because he's shouting.
You have no choice but to listen.―Jimmy Kimmel
Trump said, 'The American dream is dead.' All right, well, it's not exactly
'Hope and change,' but it's a slogan.―Jimmy Kimmel
Donald Trump announced today that he is running for president. And based on the
amount of bronzer he uses, he's also running for president of the Spokane
NAACP.―Seth Meyers
According to an email from his staff, Donald Trump is set to announce on June
16 whether he will run for president. Seriously? At this point, Donald Trump
announcing whether he's running for president is like soccer's World Cup―it
happens every four years and no one in America cares.―Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump insisted yesterday that he is not racist, because one time an
African-American won Apprentice. Because nothing says 'not racist' like
making a black man run your errands.―Conan O'Brien
Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump's
supporters―all of whom are late night comedians.―Conan O'Brien
The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was
Donald Trump.―Jay Leno
Donald Trump said he still wants to look more closely at Obama's birth
certificate to make sure that it's real. Incidentally, President Obama said the
same exact thing about Donald Trump's hair.―Jimmy Fallon
They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his
poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him
on every program, spewing his crazy ideas.―Jon Stewart
It was just revealed that Donald Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in
over 20 years. Or in simpler terms, Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in
over three wives.―Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can't
find his birth certificate.―Jay Leno
Gary Busey said on the Today Show yesterday that Donald Trump would
make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from Randy Quaid and
Charlie Sheen.―Conan O'Brien
Donald Trump said he'd release his personal tax returns if Obama shows his
birth certificate, which is probably the first
you-show-me-yours-and-I'll-show-you-mine in a presidential campaign since, well,
Clinton probably.―Jimmy Kimmel
If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it
Hair Force One.―Jimmy Kimmel
Donald Trump said that if President Obama releases his birth certificate, Trump
will release his tax return. Obama said he won't run for a second term if Trump
releases that thing on his head.―Conan O'Brien
Donald Trump insists that he is going to run for president. I guess he figures
if he can pull off that hairstyle, he can do anything.―Jimmy Kimmel
NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not
renew The Apprentice. So some good may come out of this.―Conan
O'Brien
There is little doubt what Trump's eventual announcement will be because he's
already decided to run in his mind. That means he's a shoe-in because that's
where all his supporters are.―Stephen Colbert
According to a CNN poll, Trump nearly doubled his support from March. Actually,
he just combed his March numbers over his current ones.―Conan O'Brien
Donald Trump is going to make an announcement about running for President on
the season finale of Celebrity Apprentice. Not to be outdone, the same
night the Cake Boss will reveal his plan for overhauling Medicare.―Conan
O'Brien
Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex
hair.'―David Letterman
In an interview yesterday, Donald Trump said he has a good relationship with
'the blacks.' Well, not anymore.―Jimmy Kimmel
Donald Trump might be running for president and he just released his birth
certificate. It lists his eyes as 'blue' and his hair as 'ridiculous.'―Conan
O'Brien
The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being
elected. Isn't that a little high?―David Letterman
Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That's
not the Donald Trump I know.―David Letterman
Donald Trump announced he got his own segment every Monday morning on Fox News.
Just what Fox News needs―another blonde airhead.―Bill Maher
Trump is very reluctant to release his tax returns. Either he doesn't make as
much money as he wants people to think he does, or he doesn't want anyone to
know he claims his hairpiece as a dependent.―Jimmy Kimmel
If Donald Trump loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of
his wife?―Seth Meyers
Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan
this week: 'Are you better off than you were four wives ago?'―Bill Maher
Critics say it's illegal for Donald Trump to run for president while hosting a
TV show. It's also illegal to run for president if your hair wasn't born in this
country.―Conan O'Brien
Donald Trump said he can't make a final decision about whether he will run for
president or not until this season of Celebrity Apprentice is over.
Which is maybe the best excuse from a guy who might run for the presidency ever―I am unable to decide on whether or not I will run for President until I
decide whether Latoya Jackson or Jose Canseco will be my new Apprentice.―Jimmy Kimmel
President Obama wants to raise taxes on the country's richest people. And you
thought Donald Trump hated him before.―Jay Leno
If Donald Trump wins, my guess is America will look a lot like it did in
Back to the Future 2 when Biff was in charge.―Jimmy Kimmel
On Fox News, Donald Trump said Obama's birth certificate could indicate that
he's a Muslim. Trump said he doesn't trust anyone with a foreign-sounding name,
and neither does his daughter Ivanka.―Conan O'Brien
Donald Trump called George W. Bush 'the worst president in the history of the
United States.' Then he added, 'Until, of course, I'm elected.'―Conan O'Brien
Donald Trump says he will run for president. He'll have to find a cabinet
position for that thing on his head.―David Letterman
Donald Trump is attacking President Obama's background. And I said, 'Wait a
minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He's half jack and half ass.'―David Letterman
Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for
president.'―Lewis Black
Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents―doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And
Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his
name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem...―Lewis Black
Trump says that if he's elected, he won't let the presidency interfere with the
Miss Universe pageant.―David Letterman
How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he'd use Hair Force One.―David Letterman
Trump's last name is an omen that he'll win the Republican nomination, since
"trump" means "triumph." One might suggest that this will constitute the triumph
of insanity over reason, except that none of the other Republican candidates
make any sense either. Trump just makes them seem less crazy by comparison.―Michael R. Burch
It's starting to look like Donald Trump may be a serious presidential
candidate. If you're in my line of work, Trump running for president for real is
the greatest thing that has ever happened.―Conan O'Brien
Trump appeals to the disaffected by loudly trumpet-ing what they want to hear:
other people are always the problem, and the solution is to either put them in
their proper place or get rid of them.―Michael R. Burch
In a nationwide survey when voters were asked for one word that best describes
Donald Trump, the most common answer was "Arrogant." For Hillary Clinton, the
most common answer was "Liar." For Jeb Bush, the first word that comes to mind
is "Bush." Sometimes one word really does say a lot.
"Donald Trump says he uses Head & Shoulders on his hair. As a result, Head &
Shoulders is suing Donald Trump for slander."―Conan O'Brien
"Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump's
supporters―all of whom are late night comedians."―Conan O'brien
"I'm surprised Donald Trump isn't investigating whether Hawaii is an official
state. A lot of vowels over there and not enough consonants."―Jimmy Kimmel
"The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was
Donald Trump."―Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney has a new fundraising gimmick. If you donate $3 or more to his
campaign, your name will be entered into a drawing to win a dinner with Mitt
Romney and Donald Trump. If you donate more than $10, you get to sit at a
different table."―Jay Leno
"Donald Trump said he still wants to look more closely at Obama's birth
certificate to make sure that it's real. Incidentally, President Obama said the
same exact thing about Donald Trump's hair."―Jimmy Fallon
"They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his
poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him
on every program, spewing his crazy ideas."―Jon Stewart
"It was just revealed that Donald Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in
over 20 years. Or in simpler terms, Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in
over three wives."―Jimmy Fallon
"Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can't
find his birth certificate."―Jay Leno
"Gary Busey said on the 'Today Show' yesterday that Donald Trump would make a
great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from Randy Quaid and Charlie
Sheen."―Conan O'Brien
"Donald Trump said he'd release his personal tax returns if Obama shows his
birth certificate, which is probably the first
you-show-me-yours-and-I'll-show-you-mine in a presidential campaign since, well,
Clinton probably."―Jimmy Kimmel
"If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it
Hair Force One."―Jimmy Kimmel
"Donald Trump said that if President Obama releases his birth certificate, Trump
will release his tax return. Obama said he won't run for a second term if Trump
releases that thing on his head."―Conan O'brien
"NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not
renew 'The Apprentice.' So some good may come out of this."―Conan O'brien
"There is little doubt what Trump's eventual announcement will be because he's
already decided to run in his mind. That means he's a shoe-in because that's
where all his supporters are."―Stephen Colbert
"Donald Trump said he can't make a final decision about whether he will run for
president or not until this season of 'Celebrity Apprentice' is over. Which is
maybe the best excuse from a guy who might run for the presidency ever―I am
unable to decide on whether or not I will run for President until I decide
whether Latoya Jackson or Jose Canseco will be my new Apprentice."―Jimmy Kimmel
"According to a CNN poll, Trump nearly doubled his support from March. Actually,
he just combed his March numbers over his current ones."―Conan O'brien
"Donald Trump is going to make an announcement about running for President on
the season finale of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Not to be outdone, the same night
the Cake Boss will reveal his plan for overhauling Medicare."―Conan O'brien
"Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex
hair.'"―David Letterman
"Donald Trump might be running for president and he just released his birth
certificate. It lists his eyes as 'blue' and his hair as 'ridiculous.'"―Conan
O'brien
"The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being
elected. Isn't that a little high?"―David Letterman
"Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That's
not the Donald Trump I know."―David Letterman
"Trump is very reluctant to release his tax returns. Either he doesn't make as
much money as he wants people to think he does, or he doesn't want anyone to
know he claims his hairpiece as a dependent."―Jimmy Kimmel
"Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan
this week: 'Are you better off than you were four wives ago?'"―Bill Maher
"Critics say it's illegal for Donald Trump to run for president while hosting a
TV show. It's also illegal to run for president if your hair wasn't born in this
country."―Conan O'brien
"It's starting to look like Donald Trump may be a serious presidential
candidate. If you're in my line of work, Trump running for president for real is
the greatest thing that has ever happened."―Conan O'brien
"If you're watching us after the big debate, you can turn your volume back up!"―Jimmy Fallon
"Earlier tonight the second Republican debate took place here in California.
With 10 men and only one woman, everyone thought they were watching 'The
Bachelorette.'"―Conan O'Brien
"Tonight the Republican candidates for president gathered to debate at the
Reagan presidential library, not too far from us here in Simi Valley. Debates
are a great way to learn about candidates. For example, tonight I learned there
were people running for president other than Donald Trump."―Jimmy Kimmel
"Jim Gilmore was the only GOP candidate not invited to the Republican debates
tonight, but I saw that he actually planned to live-tweet it. When he heard
that, Jeb Bush was like 'Can I do that? I don't want to be here!'"―Jimmy
Fallon
"Allowing 11 candidates to debate is the adult version of giving every kid on
the soccer team a participation trophy.―Jimmy Kimmel
"A conservative super PAC just announced yesterday that they plan to spend $1
million on campaign ads attacking Donald Trump. Trump was like, 'Make it $2
million and I'll STAR in them!'"―Jimmy Fallon
"Patriots quarterback Tom Brady says he thinks it would be great if Donald Trump
was president. Which is really weird because I thought Brady didn't like things
that are filled with too much air."―Conan O'Brien
"Trump gave a speech from the deck of a battleship where he warned us about
crime and drugs coming from down below. 'The drug cartels are going wild. They
cannot believe how stupid our government is. They are making a fortune. The
drugs come in, the money goes out, daily.' He's right, we have to start making
drugs in America again, American drugs."―Jimmy Kimmel
"The New York Times is reporting that in recent speeches Donald Trump has seemed
more composed and toned down, and has started using prepared notes. Now instead
of just calling people 'losers' and 'morons', he reads it off a card."―Seth
Meyers
"According to a new poll, almost half of Florida voters think their own
candidates, Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio, should drop out of the race. While the
other half of Florida keeps asking what happened to Eisenhower."―Jimmy Fallon
"The Olive Garden is bringing back its 'Pasta Pass,' which lets you eat as much
pasta as you want for seven weeks. In a related story, Chris Christie just
suspended his campaign."―Conan O'Brien
"In Texas a high school student was arrested for bringing what authorities
thought was a bomb to school but turned out to be a clock. Now the kid is in
bigger trouble for carrying a device that could bring Texas into the future."―Conan O'Brien
"After 14-year-old Ahmed Mohamed was arrested because his teacher thought his
homemade clock was a bomb, President Obama tweeted an invitation for the boy to
come to the White House. Unfortunately, Ahmed never saw the tweet because his
teacher thought his iPhone was a gun."―Seth Meyers
Trump is more of a mall martist than an artist; he's more about glitz than Ritz.
Backlighting marble and plating toilet bowls with minute quantities of dilute
gold is hardly the height of art, or fashion.―Michael R. Burch
Trump claims to be Midas, but everything he touches eventually turns to crap:
two ridiculous "reality" shows, three marriages, four bankruptcies, Trump
University, Trump Airlines, Trump Steaks, Trump Vodka, Trump Mortgage, Trump
Magazine, Trump the Game ... and that's just the tip of the fool's-gold-plated
iceberg!―Michael R. Burch
"As you can imagine, with Hillary Clinton being here, security is very tight.
The Secret Service has been here all day sweeping the halls, the offices, the
hard drives … It's tight."―Jimmy Fallon
Related pages:
The
Best Donald Trump Jokes of All Time,
The Best Donald Trump Puns,
The Best Donald Trump Insults,
2016 Republican First Presidential Debate: Winners, Losers and Impressions,
Is there a Republican War on Women?,
The Donald Trump Bible or The Gospel According to Trump,
The Best Ted Cruz Jokes,
Conservatives Who Support Gay Marriage,
Donald Trump Nicknames,
Ten Reasons to "Fire" Donald Trump,
Donald Trump's "Muslim Friends",
Where Have All the Birthers Gone?,
The Best Ted Cruz Jokes,
Ted Cruz Nicknames,
Is Ted Cruz an Anchor Baby?,
Is Donald Trump a Fascist?
The HyperTexts