The HyperTexts

Donald Trump Jokes

Donald Trump jokes by Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, Trevor Noah, Anderson Cooper, Seth Meyers, Jon Stewart, Jimmy Fallon, Bill Maher, Cecily Strong, Lewis Black, Johnny Carson, Stephen Colbert, Will Ferrell, Lisa Lampanelli, Albert Brooks, George Carlin, Kenan Thompson, Michael Che, Whitney Cummings, Craig Ferguson, Seth MacFarlane, Bobby Moynihan, John Oliver, Joan Rivers, Chris Rock, Jeffrey Ross and many others.

The Best Election Joke Ever

The best joke about the 2015-2016 presidential campaign, and perhaps of all time, may have been told by Adlai Stevenson during his 1956 run for the presidency. When a woman called out, "Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!" the quick-witted Stevenson shot back:
That's not enough, madam, we need a majority!

More Donald Trump and Presidential Election Jokes

Yes, everybody likes Trump, even white supremacists, which is amazing because Trump isn't even white ... He's more Oompa-Loompamerican.―Stephen Colbert

What Flubber was to physics, Trump is to politics: an antidote to gravity, cooked up by a quirky but prodigious amateur.―David Von Drehle, TIME cover article, January 18, 2016

Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However, experts say, if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property.―Conan O'Brien

I think Donald Trump and Jeb Bush are the frontrunners. It's kind of like the race between the tortoise and the bad hair.―Jay Leno

Donald Trump keeps advising us to "GET SMART!" But he makes the stupidest mistakes: birtherism, autism, Ebola, "the blacks," Bette, Rosie, Heidi, Paris in Germany. That's Maxwell Smart territory.―Michael R. Burch

GET SMART, indeed! Recently, 41% of likely Trump voters said they supported bombing Agrabah, the mythical city of Disney's Aladdin cartoon!―Michael R. Burch

I will be covering all the presidential candidates ... who are Donald Trump.―Stephen Colbert, mocking the attention Trump gets compared to the other candidates

The closest Donald Trump ever came to actual combat was daring Crazy Ben Carson to stab him in the belt buckle; fortunately the hair-trigged psychopath was napping at the time.―Michael R. Burch

I do think Donald Trump is honest in his own way. He is honestly an egomaniacal billionaire.―Stephen Colbert

In order to comply with  federal truth-in-advertising regulations, the major networks have jointly announced that all news programs will now carry the byline "All Trump all the time."―Michael R. Burch

Ted Cruz wants to abolish the IRS and repeal "every single word" of Obamacare. He also wants to part the Red Sea, date the Abominable Snowman, and jump cows over the moon.―Michael R. Burch

That thing on his head was the gopher in Caddyshack.―David Letterman

If you're suffering from irritable bowels, quick-acting Trump Dump provides "elite constipation relief."―galleryoftheabsurd.com 

Donald Trump said that he was running for president as a Republican. That's funny, because I thought he was running as a joke.―Seth Meyers

Donald Trump is like what a hobo imagines a rich man to be. When he makes a decision, he must think to himself: "What would a cartoon rich person do? ... Run for president!"―John Mulaney

Why is Donald Trump orange from head to toe? Well, space cadets do drink lots of Tang ...―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump gave a big speech in Dallas last night, and began by pointing out that he wasn't using a teleprompter. Then he yelled at Gary Busey to hold the cue cards higher.―Jimmy Fallon

If Dr. Carson was ever going to hit anybody with a hammer, it'd be Donald Trump after all the things he said.―South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham

#DonaldTrump wants to deport 11 million people and have immigrants in future only arrive for legal reasons, like marrying rich older men.―Janice Hough

Jimmy Kimmel's Lie Witness News accused Donald Trump of adjusting his toupée during the third debate, before the debate started. Is this art imitating life, or just comedians imitating Trump?

Mike Tyson has endorsed Trump, another reason for American women to swoon over The Donald, in addition to his money, power, looks and patriarchal attitude.―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump said he would replace Obamacare with something called Donaldcare. He claims it would save billions by denying coverage to preexisting Hispanics.―Conan O'Brien

New national poll numbers show Dr. Ben Carson has pulled within four points of frontrunner Donald Trump. And I'm sure it's not the first time Trump has been closely pursued by a brain surgeon.―Seth Meyers

The entire first debate was basically a two-hour circus sideshow with an old piece of luggage covered in Cheez Whiz as its center.―John Oliver

Donald Trump will bring to the presidency what the early leaders of America did: fake hair.―@SarahRkein

Trump says he doesn't understand why he's sinking in the polls with evangelicals. Could it be that they believe Jesus Christ is God, while Trump believes He is God?―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump announces this morning that he will run for president. His hair will announce on Friday.―Albert Brooks

Donald Trump just gave away the fact that he thinks he running for kingship, when he talked about the Bush "reign."―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump accused Huma Abedin of sharing state secrets with her husband. I think Trump clearly lacks a sense of Huma.―Michael R. Burch

Trump Entertainment Resorts declared Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Or as Donald Trump describes Chapter 11, "Back-to-back number ones!"―Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump warned the press to lay off that thing on his head, or he will sic it at 'em.―Michael R. Burch

Today Donald Trump reaffirmed his stance against gay marriage. Trump said marriage is between a rich guy and his much younger third wife.―Conan O'Brien

Experience? Republicans avoid that stuff like a gay son!―Bill Maher, explaining the lack of experience of the GOP frontrunners for president

Did evangelical Christians mistake Donald Trump's hairpiece for a halo, while ignoring the obvious signs that he worships Mammon?―Michael R. Burch

Jimmy Kimmel described The Donald as "a president and an amusement park all rolled into one."

According to Larry Wilmore, Trump is a "gift" of the Comedy Gods to late night comedians. (He is, it seems, the gift that keeps giving.)

It's simply not true that Donald Trump has no experience in foreign affairs. Hell, two of his foreign affairs resulted in marriages!―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump insists that he is going to run for president. I guess he figures if he can pull off that hairstyle, he can do anything.―Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday in New York City, Donald Trump officially changed his political affiliation from Republican to Independent. And Donald's hair has switched from pelt to carpet sample.―Jay Leno

The truth can finally be told: Donald Trump's autism was caused by a vaccination that went terribly wrong; it's not his fault that he can't relate to other people!―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump often appears on Fox News, which is ironic because a fox often appears on his head.―Seth Meyers

What is Donald Trump telling Barack Obama supporters? Orange Is The New Black.―Unknown

Some lovers wear their hearts on their sleeves; Donald Trump is a comedian who wears his best joke on his scalp.―Michael R. Burch

Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants, when an undocumented alien has been occupying his head for the past two decades!―Unknown

People are mad a Donald Trump for allegedly making a joke about Megyn Kelly having her period. Trump said, 'Trust me, I know what goes on down there, because I'm a huge douche.'―Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump not only wants to mass deport 11 million Hispanics, he also wants to deport the Taco Bell chihuahua.―Michael R. Burch

What Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un lack in humility, they make up for in hair style.―blissgrunteled1 

It's hard to forget that Donald Trump is rich, successful, handsome and "intelligent" because he keeps reminding us every day. But is that intelligent?―Michael R. Burch

Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents—doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem. … This is what I've been waiting for my whole life: a president who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying asshole.―Lewis Black 

I don't even have anything to say to him. He's said everything he wants to say. He has no internal monologue, so it's not like you're going to find the secret nugget he's been holding back. He's an open book—and that book doesn't have many interesting words in it.―John Oliver

"Donald Trump is the most uninformed person I've ever met running for president when it comes to foreign policy. He has no clue of what he's talking about. Don't replace President Obama with Donald Trump; it will get worse, not better. Mr. Trump's view of the world is really pretty delusional when you look at it. He has no idea what he's talking about. And over time that will take a toll, I hope. If it doesn't, here's what he's doing: He's building a third term for the Democratic Party in the White House. He's building a wall between the Republican Party and Hispanics. His immigration position is mean, is cruel, is impractical. What he's saying is going to hurt us for generations to come with Hispanics, who should be our voters. And his foreign policy is even more than naive than Barack Obama. Other than that, he's a good candidate for president."―South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham

According to Conan O'Brien, it's hard to make up jokes about Donald Trump because he's broken through a "crazy barrier" that no one has ever penetrated before. (Well, perhaps Hitler and company.) For instance, Trump recently appeared at an anti-peace-with-Iran rally with Sarah Palin and Ted Cruz. It is difficult to find anything amusing to say about three warmongers who want to destroy another Middle Eastern country over weapons it does not have, in order to "protect" the United States and Israel, which do have nukes and thus are in no real danger of being "destroyed" themselves. Nazi Germany claimed that it was "threatened" by Poland in order to justify its invasion of Poland. But of course Poland posed no real threat to Germany. American and Israeli fascists have used similar fictional "threats" to justify the invasion of Iraq and the pending war with Iran. If there is another war waged on false premises, it will be very difficult to tell jokes about the people who started it. Trump, Palin and Cruz are jokes in that they lack sense. But their cries for an attack on Iran are far from funny.

However, if you want to update your collection, there are more Donald Trump jokes following on this page.

After Trump canceled a scheduled appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, the host joked: "At least we didn't have to build a wall around Guillermo [his Mexican sidekick and security guard.]" 

Meanwhile, Trump continued to defame Hispanics, saying that if Ford builds a factory in Mexico, "Illegals are going drive those cars right over the border ... and they'll probably end up stealing the cars." So according to Trump, even if Mexicans have good-paying jobs, they will steal because that's their nature. They don't cross the border and break laws because they're poor, but because they're born lazy and shiftless. Trump reminds me of Nazis who portrayed Jews and Gypsies as being dirty and dangerous by birth and nature.

Hispanic comedians are fighting fire with fire. "Los Hijos de Trump"—"Sons of Trump"―premiered in Mexico City recently, to the delight of locals who want to even the score with the New York tycoon who's made anti-immigrant sentiments a pillar of his campaign. Throughout the show, the comedians take easy shots at the conservative frontrunner. For instance, at an Indian meditation retreat, Trump is naked except for a towel, black socks and shiny shoes. The audience explodes with laughter as a monk ducks under the towel, clutching a magnifying glass to locate Trump's manhood.

Meanwhile, Trump has been attacking Ben Carson since he became the Republican frontrunner for president in some polls. Trump went a step further when he diagnosed Dr. Ben Carson's malady, telling Bill O'Reilly: "When you suffer from pathological disease, you're not really getting better unless you start taking lots of pills and things." This was on the Fox News program The O'Reilly Factor, which claims to be a "spin-free zone." Trump later tweeted that "The Carson story is either a total fabrication or, if true, even worsetrying to hit mother over the head with a hammer or stabbing friend!"

Trump, who claims to be "the most militaristic person on the planet" also told O'Reilly that Russia bombing targets in Syria is "terrific" even though there are reports that Russia is not attacking ISIS, but other anti-Assad forces.

President Obama got in on the fun at a 2011 White House Correspondents' Association dinner in Washington, D.C. At the time Trump was at the height of his birther fantasies, and just days before the state of Hawaii had, at the President's request, released Obama's long-form birth certificate in order to end, or try to end, the nonsense. Having referred to that act, Obama joshed: "I know that he's taken some flack lately—no one is prouder to put this birth-certificate matter to rest than the Donald. And that's because he can finally get back to the issues that matter, like: Did we fake the moon landing? What really happened in Roswell? And—where are Biggie and Tupac?" The President went on, "We all know about your credentials and breadth of experience. For example—no, seriously—just recently, in an episode of Celebrity Apprentice"—there was laughter at the mention of the program's name. Obama explained that, when a team did not impress, Trump "didn't blame Lil Jon or Meatloaf—you fired Gary Busey. And these are the kinds of decisions that would keep me up at night."

John Macks, a seven-time Emmy winner who wrote jokes for Jay Leno for 22 years, has called Donald Trump a "gift" to comedy writers. Here are some of his zingers ...

As a longtime late-night writer, let me make confirm this: even if the far far right abandons Trump over time, he can count on the support of late-night writers until the polls close in November 2016.
Trump will say anything without thinking and without being hampered by the facts. The man said he will defeat ISIS! How can he beat ISIS when he just got the crap kicked out of him by 51 Miss USA contestants?
Trump is truly a politician in the truest meaning of the word. As Jay Leno once said in his monologue: politics, comes from the Greek word poly, which means many, and tics, which means bloodsucking insects.
We [comedy writers] need a good old-fashioned crazy candidate. And by crazy, I mean crazy like a Fox ... News.

"I'm just like you, a regular Joe, but better." ―SNL's Taran Killam, playing Donald Trump and proving that imitation is not always the sincerest form of flattery

Q: What's the difference between Donald Trump and a professional criminal?
A:  Professional criminals don't come up with lame excuses for things they claim never happened.

Trump tried to explain his father's arrest at a KKK rally by first claiming that his father was never at the rally, and then―in the same sentence―claiming that the arrest didn't matter because no charges were filed. First, Trump denied that his father had ever lived on the street listed in the newspaper report, then he denied that his father was arrested. "There were zero charges against him. So assuming it was him―I don't even think it was him, I never even heard about it. So it's really not fair to mention. It never happened." Trump's response was so surreal that the Times interviewer was prompted to refer to it as "pasta against the wall."

Here's the deal, Mr. Art of the Deal. If it is a wig, sue the wigmaker. If it isn't a wig, get one pronto. And in the meantime, stop insulting other people's looks.―Michael R. Burch

A new study found that Donald Trump supporters have the worst grammar on Facebook. Now angry Trump fans are saying: "Not true, my grammar is/was a great person, and so is my grampa."―Left Coast Sports Babe

Congrats to the Toronto Blue Jays for winning AL East. Stand by for #Trump to complain about immigrants taking more from Americans.―Left Coast Sports Babe

Donald Trump has been playing Aerosmith's power ballad "Dream On" at campaign events, despite the protests of Steven Tyler. But does Trump realize that the song concludes with the refrain, "Maybe tomorrow the Good Lord will take you away"?

Trump continued to hammer Jeb Bush: "Bush has no money, he's meeting today with mommy and daddy [in Texas], and they're working on his campaign. He's a guy wants to run our country and he can't even run his own campaign."

Trump mocked Marco Rubio for sweating and drinking water: "Have you ever seen a guy sweat like Rubio?" Trump asked.

Trump also derided Ben Carson as being "super low on energy."  "He's even lower-energy than Bush," Trump said. Trump also took a shot at Carson for his religion. "I'm Presbyterian. That's down the middle of road," he said. "I mean, Seventh-day Adventist I don't know about." Carson is a Seventh-day Adventist, a Protestant denomination that believes in a literal reading of the Bible.



On Saturday Donald Trump had some unkind words for Arizona Senator John McCain. Can you imagine being tortured 5 1/2 years in a Vietnamese prison camp, and then a man whose greatest war-time accomplishment was brokering a peace treaty on Celebrity Apprentice between Gary Busey and Meat Loaf belittles you and calls you a loser?―Jimmy Kimmel

"I like interviewing him," Anderson Cooper told Meyers. "It's rare that you talk to a politician who doesn't come with a huge entourage, which ironically Trump does not. He just kind of shows up―in the lobby of his own building admittedly ... And he, you know, says what's on his mind, whether you agree with it or not. And he attacks you in the process which is always entertaining."

Shades of Hitler's Moustache! Donald Trump is clearly the Führer's hair apparent!―Michael R. Burch

The Donald claims to be a tough guy but is yugely afraid of "cooties"―Hillary's urine, Megyn's period, mothers' breast-milk, even Marco's innocuous beads of sweat.—Michael R. Burch

Ted Cruz is half Canadian and half Cuban. He has the wit of Justin Bieber combined with the people skills of Scarface.―Bill Maher

Republican Ted Cruz announced that he will run for president in 2016. So finally, Carnival is no longer the most dangerous cruise in America.―Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday presidential candidate Ted Cruz said that he will in fact be signing up for Obamacare despite saying earlier that he wants to repeal every word of it.―Jimmy Fallon 

It's a good thing he's signing up, because Cruz just went to the hospital in hypocritical condition.―Jimmy Fallon

Stephen Colbert is right: Donald Trump is honest in his own way. He's even honest about the fact that he s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-s the truth, lying in order to tell people what they want to hear!―Michael R. Burch

According to Donald Trump, dishonesty is the best policy because the goal is not to win with honor, but to win at any price (and then brag about it incessantly).―Michael R. Burch

Mr. Trump claims he got to know Mr. Putin "very well" when they appeared on 60 Minutes. Welcome to Sarah Palin la-la-land, because they were interviewed separately and never met.―Michael R. Burch

Ted Cruz isn't crazy; he's much worse. He does awful things by intelligent design.―Jeb Lund, in Rolling Stone

Many presidents have believed in God, but Donald Trump evidently believes that he is God.―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump really is a fan of the Bible, except that it's far too long for him to read. So he just released a new, improved version, the Gospel According to Trump. It reads: "I, Donald Trump, am God. Praise, worship, and adore Me as I do Myself. Then all shall be Great, as I am Great. The End."―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump often appears on Fox, which is ironic because a fox often appears on Donald Trump's head. If you're at the Washington Post table with Trump and you can't finish your entree, don't worry, the fox will eat it.―Seth Meyers

The trouble with Donald Trump is that his thoughts turn into words.―Butch Gilliam

Trump claims he'd be the "best jobs president that God ever created." But isn't his claim to fame firing people?―Michael R. Burch

The closest Trump ever got to battle was his fight with Rosie O'Donnell.―Jimmy Kimmel

The slogan of the American Civil Rights Movement was "We shall overcome!" Donald Trump's new campaign slogan is "We shall overcomb!"―Michael R. Burch

Rand Paul tried hard to upstage Donald Trump at the first debate, talking tough about his guns and his right not to register them. But with his pixie-ish perm, Paul does not impress me as the gunslinger type. Rand Paul is the RuPaul of politics. He would do better to defend his right to carry an unregistered blow-dryer and curling irons.―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump's hairpiece has reportedly narrowed its list of running partners down to Don King, Kramer, William Shatner, Dolly Parton and Phil Spector, and has no worries about being upstaged.―Michael R. Burch

After Donald Trump's derogatory comments about immigrants, NBC has officially cancelled Celebrity Apprentice. Think about it: Donald Trump isn't even president yet, and he's already made America a better place!―Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump isn't really running for president, come on! This is obviously a new reality show, Celebrity Presidential Apprentice. It ends with the incompetent celebrity being berated, humiliated, then unceremoniously fired.―Michael R. Burch

Due to Donald Trump entering the presidential race, season 15 of Celebrity Apprentice will not air. But don't worry. With Trump running for president, you'll still get to see an irrelevant B-list celebrity not get a job.―Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump is running for president, which so far is everything I could have hoped for and more. He made his announcement in front of a packed crowd of supporters. But according to The Hollywood Reporter, his camp hired actors to go and then hold up signs and cheer for him. Well, Trump did say he was going to create jobs. Trump's people deny these allegations. But the casting agency that supposedly sent out the job listing refused to comment. I don't blame Trump. It's embarrassing. It's the political equivalent of paying kids to come to your birthday party.―Jimmy Kimmel

Trump has officially changed his name to Ronald because he's such a clown, and in sympathy his toupée is changing its name to Bozo.―Michael R. Burch

In his presidential announcement speech yesterday, Donald Trump pledged to become 'the greatest jobs president that God ever created.' This is from the man who coined the catch phrase 'You're fired.'―Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of Celebrity Apprentice wraps up. Say what you want about Trump, at least this guy has his priorities in order. He doesn't want to let actual reality get in the way of his reality show.―Jay Leno

Even Donald Trump's hairpiece is fed up with his insults and says it now supports Bernie Sanders. When Trump found out, he sobbed, "Et tu, Toupée?"―Michael R. Burch

Jon Stewart was especially pleased with Trump's presidential campaign announcement speech, which the Daily Show host characterized as "over half an hour of the most beautifully ridiculous jibber-jabber." For the soon-to-be-departing host, it was an embarrassment of riches. "Thank you. Thank you, Donald Trump, for making my last six weeks my best six weeks," Stewart said. "He is putting me in some kind of comedy hospice where I'm getting just straight morphine."

Donald Trump is running for president, and I couldn't be happier about it. He promised he would be 'the greatest jobs president that God ever created.' I think President Trump would be a very good thing for jobs in this country―specifically for my job here at this show.―Jimmy Kimmel

In addition to proving that he is a natural-born American citizen, I believe Ted Cruz should be forced to prove that he is warm-blooded and has a viable heart.―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump announced today he is running for president of the United States. Traditionally that means six more weeks of comedy.―Conan O'Brien

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet.―Conan O'Brien

When Donald Trump becomes president, he'll fly on a jumbo jet rebadged Hair Force One. It will be oversized to contain his massive ego, and will have all the latest and greatest blowdryer technology.―Michael R. Burch

President Obama poked fun at Mr Trump's unexpected rise to the top among the many Republican candidates vying for president on the Daily Show, saying: "I'm sure the Republicans are enjoying Mr Trump's dominance in their primary." Jon Stewart responded: "Anything that makes them look less crazy."

Not good. In fact, Trump's people are telling him to lay low for awhile until this all combs over.―Jimmy Fallon, in response to the flak over Trump's suggestion that John McCain is not a war hero because he was captured.

At a campaign event in South Carolina, Trump gave out Senator Lindsey Graham's personal cellphone number. He's bringing the same level of class to this presidential election that one does to a stall in a public restroom.―Jimmy Kimmel

At a campaign event today, Donald Trump read Senator Lindsey Graham's cellphone number aloud on live TV. It's the craziest thing Trump has done since whatever he did right before that.―Seth Meyers

What do we get when the Donald exposes his enormous ass? A trump roast.―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump's campaign has raised about $100,000 in donations during the second quarter. Which raises an important question: Who is giving Donald Trump money? That's like giving your money to a pile of money.―Jimmy Fallon

In a recent interview, John McCain addressed Trump's campaign rally in Arizona and said that he just 'fired up the crazies.' Not to be confused with Trump's show Celebrity Apprentice, where he just FIRED the crazies.―Jimmy Fallon

Researchers here in New York created a robot that actually passed a self-awareness test. So if you're keeping score, that's robots: 1, Donald Trump: 0.―Jimmy Fallon

What do you call a comedian who runs for president? A trump card.―Michael R. Burch

According to a new nationwide poll, Donald Trump now leads all other Republican presidential candidates. But come on, if we elect him you know he'll just leave us for a younger country.―Seth Meyers

After severing ties with Donald Trump, NBC is reportedly in talks with comedian George Lopez to take over Celebrity Apprentice. So Trump's greatest nightmare came true: a Hispanic guy took his job.―Seth Meyers

Some bad news for Donald Trump. The controversial remarks he's made since he began his presidential campaign have cost his brand as much as $80 million. You can tell things are rough for Trump because today he had to wipe his mouth with a napkin instead of a 20.―Jimmy Fallon

Today Donald Trump's official Twitter account accidentally tweeted a photo of him that also had images of Nazis in it. The Nazis are furious.―Conan O'Brien

Macy's has severed ties with Donald Trump and no longer will carry his men's wear collection. From now on, men who want to look like Donald Trump will have to hunt and kill their own hair piece. – Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump's Miss USA Pageant was last night. The title went to the contestant who was the meanest to Miss Mexico.―Seth Meyers

It's very true that Ted Cruz is a man of conviction: he's convicted that it's his way or the highway for those of us with functional hearts and brains.―Michael R. Burch

But that hair? That is comedy entrapment. People are not attacking your hair, they are defending themselves from something that appears like it's about to attack them.―Jon Stewart on Donald Trump's complaints about people making fun of his hair

A store in Houston is selling Donald Trump piñatas filled with candy. So finally something good is going to come out of Donald Trump.―Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump announced that he's running for president. During his speech he told the crowd that if elected he would be 'the greatest jobs president that God ever created.' Then God said, 'Hey, don't drag me into this publicity stunt.'―Jimmy Fallon

Recent polls suggest that a Cuban-Canadian president fathered by a Castro fundraiser may not rank all that high on the shopping lists of American voters, after all.―Michael R. Burch

At his campaign launch, Donald Trump apparently paid extras $50 to cheer for him at the rally. Trump said, 'Usually when I pay a person to like me, it's my wife.'―Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump told ABC news that if he had Oprah as a running mate, they could easily win. Although you know who'd definitely win? Oprah WITHOUT Donald Trump.―Jimmy Fallon

Under a Cruz Controller administration, independent thinking will no longer be optional ... it will absolutely not be allowed!―Michael R. Burch

Ted Carnival Cruz and the Creep Cruzettes will now perform their smash hit, "Let's Carpet Bomb Syria to See if the Sands Glow at Night!"―Michael R. Burch

Ted Cruz was obviously planted as a double agent by Fidel Castro as revenge for the Bay of Pigs. Well played, Cuba! Today shutdowns, speaking Spanish mañana!―Michael R. Burch

"First we say, you can't come into this country until I see you eat bacon while singing a Christmas carol!"SNL's parody of Carson after he said only Christian refugees should be allowed to enter the US

"Ben Carson's complete ineptitude makes you long for the days of 'Uz-beki-beki-stan-stan,"" said an Iowa Republican, referring to a disastrous Herman Cain interview four years ago.

"Carson is so clueless," said an Iowa GOP insider, "he thinks the Kurds are a special kind of Wisconsin cheese."

Ted Cruz released a presidential campaign video in Spanish. Cruz explained, "It's important for me to reach out to the people I'm trying to deport."―Conan O'Brien

Ted Cruz claims there aren't many conservatives in Manhattan. Perhaps, but then there aren't many creepy Liberace impersonators in the White House either.―Michael R. Burch

Political analysts are saying that as a candidate, Donald Trump is 'a totally unqualified nuisance.' In other words, he is a legitimate contender for the Republican nomination.―Conan O'Brien

Presidential hopeful Donald Trump said yesterday that he has better hair than Senator Marco Rubio―a claim that was recently disproven by wind.―Seth Meyers

Trump is running for president and he's wasting no time getting down to business. In fact, just after his announcement he demanded to see Jeb Bush's birth certificate.―Jimmy Fallon

Did you see Donald Trump's big announcement today? Trump is very confident. He could be the only presidential candidate to ever pick himself as a running mate.―Jimmy Kimmel

A lot of people aren't taking Trump seriously. But the fact of the matter is, when Donald Trump makes an announcement, people listen―because he's shouting. You have no choice but to listen.―Jimmy Kimmel

Trump said, 'The American dream is dead.' All right, well, it's not exactly 'Hope and change,' but it's a slogan.―Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump announced today that he is running for president. And based on the amount of bronzer he uses, he's also running for president of the Spokane NAACP.―Seth Meyers

According to an email from his staff, Donald Trump is set to announce on June 16 whether he will run for president. Seriously? At this point, Donald Trump announcing whether he's running for president is like soccer's World Cup―it happens every four years and no one in America cares.―Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump insisted yesterday that he is not racist, because one time an African-American won Apprentice. Because nothing says 'not racist' like making a black man run your errands.―Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump's supporters―all of whom are late night comedians.―Conan O'Brien

The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump.―Jay Leno

Donald Trump said he still wants to look more closely at Obama's birth certificate to make sure that it's real. Incidentally, President Obama said the same exact thing about Donald Trump's hair.―Jimmy Fallon

They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas.―Jon Stewart

It was just revealed that Donald Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in over 20 years. Or in simpler terms, Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in over three wives.―Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can't find his birth certificate.―Jay Leno

Gary Busey said on the Today Show yesterday that Donald Trump would make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen.―Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump said he'd release his personal tax returns if Obama shows his birth certificate, which is probably the first you-show-me-yours-and-I'll-show-you-mine in a presidential campaign since, well, Clinton probably.―Jimmy Kimmel

If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One.―Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump said that if President Obama releases his birth certificate, Trump will release his tax return. Obama said he won't run for a second term if Trump releases that thing on his head.―Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump insists that he is going to run for president. I guess he figures if he can pull off that hairstyle, he can do anything.―Jimmy Kimmel

NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew The Apprentice. So some good may come out of this.―Conan O'Brien

‎There is little doubt what Trump's eventual announcement will be because he's already decided to run in his mind. That means he's a shoe-in because that's where all his supporters are.―Stephen Colbert

According to a CNN poll, Trump nearly doubled his support from March. Actually, he just combed his March numbers over his current ones.―Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump is going to make an announcement about running for President on the season finale of Celebrity Apprentice. Not to be outdone, the same night the Cake Boss will reveal his plan for overhauling Medicare.―Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.'―David Letterman

In an interview yesterday, Donald Trump said he has a good relationship with 'the blacks.' Well, not anymore.―Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump might be running for president and he just released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as 'blue' and his hair as 'ridiculous.'―Conan O'Brien

The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. Isn't that a little high?―David Letterman

Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That's not the Donald Trump I know.―David Letterman

Donald Trump announced he got his own segment every Monday morning on Fox News. Just what Fox News needs―another blonde airhead.―Bill Maher

Trump is very reluctant to release his tax returns. Either he doesn't make as much money as he wants people to think he does, or he doesn't want anyone to know he claims his hairpiece as a dependent.―Jimmy Kimmel

If Donald Trump loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife?―Seth Meyers

Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan this week: 'Are you better off than you were four wives ago?'―Bill Maher

Critics say it's illegal for Donald Trump to run for president while hosting a TV show. It's also illegal to run for president if your hair wasn't born in this country.―Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump said he can't make a final decision about whether he will run for president or not until this season of Celebrity Apprentice is over. Which is maybe the best excuse from a guy who might run for the presidency ever―I am unable to decide on whether or not I will run for President until I decide whether Latoya Jackson or Jose Canseco will be my new Apprentice.―Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama wants to raise taxes on the country's richest people. And you thought Donald Trump hated him before.―Jay Leno

If Donald Trump wins, my guess is America will look a lot like it did in Back to the Future 2 when Biff was in charge.―Jimmy Kimmel

On Fox News, Donald Trump said Obama's birth certificate could indicate that he's a Muslim. Trump said he doesn't trust anyone with a foreign-sounding name, and neither does his daughter Ivanka.―Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump called George W. Bush 'the worst president in the history of the United States.' Then he added, 'Until, of course, I'm elected.'―Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump says he will run for president. He'll have to find a cabinet position for that thing on his head.―David Letterman

Donald Trump is attacking President Obama's background. And I said, 'Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He's half jack and half ass.'―David Letterman

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'―Lewis Black

Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents―doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem...―Lewis Black

Trump says that if he's elected, he won't let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant.―David Letterman

How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he'd use Hair Force One.―David Letterman

Trump's last name is an omen that he'll win the Republican nomination, since "trump" means "triumph." One might suggest that this will constitute the triumph of insanity over reason, except that none of the other Republican candidates make any sense either. Trump just makes them seem less crazy by comparison.―Michael R. Burch

It's starting to look like Donald Trump may be a serious presidential candidate. If you're in my line of work, Trump running for president for real is the greatest thing that has ever happened.―Conan O'Brien

Trump appeals to the disaffected by loudly trumpet-ing what they want to hear: other people are always the problem, and the solution is to either put them in their proper place or get rid of them.―Michael R. Burch

In a nationwide survey when voters were asked for one word that best describes Donald Trump, the most common answer was "Arrogant." For Hillary Clinton, the most common answer was "Liar." For Jeb Bush, the first word that comes to mind is "Bush." Sometimes one word really does say a lot.

"Donald Trump says he uses Head & Shoulders on his hair. As a result, Head & Shoulders is suing Donald Trump for slander."―Conan O'Brien
 
"Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump's supporters―all of whom are late night comedians."―Conan O'brien
 
"I'm surprised Donald Trump isn't investigating whether Hawaii is an official state. A lot of vowels over there and not enough consonants."―Jimmy Kimmel
 
"The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump."―Jay Leno
 
"Mitt Romney has a new fundraising gimmick. If you donate $3 or more to his campaign, your name will be entered into a drawing to win a dinner with Mitt Romney and Donald Trump. If you donate more than $10, you get to sit at a different table."―Jay Leno
 
"Donald Trump said he still wants to look more closely at Obama's birth certificate to make sure that it's real. Incidentally, President Obama said the same exact thing about Donald Trump's hair."―Jimmy Fallon
 
"They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas."―Jon Stewart
 
"It was just revealed that Donald Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in over 20 years. Or in simpler terms, Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in over three wives."―Jimmy Fallon
 
"Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can't find his birth certificate."―Jay Leno
 
"Gary Busey said on the 'Today Show' yesterday that Donald Trump would make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen."―Conan O'Brien
 
"Donald Trump said he'd release his personal tax returns if Obama shows his birth certificate, which is probably the first you-show-me-yours-and-I'll-show-you-mine in a presidential campaign since, well, Clinton probably."―Jimmy Kimmel
 
"If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One."―Jimmy Kimmel
 
"Donald Trump said that if President Obama releases his birth certificate, Trump will release his tax return. Obama said he won't run for a second term if Trump releases that thing on his head."―Conan O'brien
 
"NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew 'The Apprentice.' So some good may come out of this."―Conan O'brien
 
"There is little doubt what Trump's eventual announcement will be because he's already decided to run in his mind. That means he's a shoe-in because that's where all his supporters are."―Stephen Colbert
 
"Donald Trump said he can't make a final decision about whether he will run for president or not until this season of 'Celebrity Apprentice' is over. Which is maybe the best excuse from a guy who might run for the presidency ever―I am unable to decide on whether or not I will run for President until I decide whether Latoya Jackson or Jose Canseco will be my new Apprentice."―Jimmy Kimmel
 
"According to a CNN poll, Trump nearly doubled his support from March. Actually, he just combed his March numbers over his current ones."―Conan O'brien
 
"Donald Trump is going to make an announcement about running for President on the season finale of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Not to be outdone, the same night the Cake Boss will reveal his plan for overhauling Medicare."―Conan O'brien
 
"Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.'"―David Letterman
 
"Donald Trump might be running for president and he just released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as 'blue' and his hair as 'ridiculous.'"―Conan O'brien
 
"The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. Isn't that a little high?"―David Letterman
 
"Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That's not the Donald Trump I know."―David Letterman
 
"Trump is very reluctant to release his tax returns. Either he doesn't make as much money as he wants people to think he does, or he doesn't want anyone to know he claims his hairpiece as a dependent."―Jimmy Kimmel
 
"Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan this week: 'Are you better off than you were four wives ago?'"―Bill Maher
 
"Critics say it's illegal for Donald Trump to run for president while hosting a TV show. It's also illegal to run for president if your hair wasn't born in this country."―Conan O'brien
 
"It's starting to look like Donald Trump may be a serious presidential candidate. If you're in my line of work, Trump running for president for real is the greatest thing that has ever happened."―Conan O'brien

"If you're watching us after the big debate, you can turn your volume back up!"―Jimmy Fallon

"Earlier tonight the second Republican debate took place here in California. With 10 men and only one woman, everyone thought they were watching 'The Bachelorette.'"―Conan O'Brien

"Tonight the Republican candidates for president gathered to debate at the Reagan presidential library, not too far from us here in Simi Valley. Debates are a great way to learn about candidates. For example, tonight I learned there were people running for president other than Donald Trump."―Jimmy Kimmel

"Jim Gilmore was the only GOP candidate not invited to the Republican debates tonight, but I saw that he actually planned to live-tweet it. When he heard that, Jeb Bush was like 'Can I do that? I don't want to be here!'"―Jimmy Fallon

"Allowing 11 candidates to debate is the adult version of giving every kid on the soccer team a participation trophy.―Jimmy Kimmel

"A conservative super PAC just announced yesterday that they plan to spend $1 million on campaign ads attacking Donald Trump. Trump was like, 'Make it $2 million and I'll STAR in them!'"―Jimmy Fallon

"Patriots quarterback Tom Brady says he thinks it would be great if Donald Trump was president. Which is really weird because I thought Brady didn't like things that are filled with too much air."―Conan O'Brien

"Trump gave a speech from the deck of a battleship where he warned us about crime and drugs coming from down below. 'The drug cartels are going wild. They cannot believe how stupid our government is. They are making a fortune. The drugs come in, the money goes out, daily.' He's right, we have to start making drugs in America again, American drugs."―Jimmy Kimmel

"The New York Times is reporting that in recent speeches Donald Trump has seemed more composed and toned down, and has started using prepared notes. Now instead of just calling people 'losers' and 'morons', he reads it off a card."―Seth Meyers

"According to a new poll, almost half of Florida voters think their own candidates, Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio, should drop out of the race. While the other half of Florida keeps asking what happened to Eisenhower."―Jimmy Fallon

"The Olive Garden is bringing back its 'Pasta Pass,' which lets you eat as much pasta as you want for seven weeks. In a related story, Chris Christie just suspended his campaign."―Conan O'Brien

"In Texas a high school student was arrested for bringing what authorities thought was a bomb to school but turned out to be a clock. Now the kid is in bigger trouble for carrying a device that could bring Texas into the future."―Conan O'Brien

"After 14-year-old Ahmed Mohamed was arrested because his teacher thought his homemade clock was a bomb, President Obama tweeted an invitation for the boy to come to the White House. Unfortunately, Ahmed never saw the tweet because his teacher thought his iPhone was a gun."―Seth Meyers

Trump is more of a mall martist than an artist; he's more about glitz than Ritz. Backlighting marble and plating toilet bowls with minute quantities of dilute gold is hardly the height of art, or fashion.―Michael R. Burch

Trump claims to be Midas, but everything he touches eventually turns to crap: two ridiculous "reality" shows, three marriages, four bankruptcies, Trump University, Trump Airlines, Trump Steaks, Trump Vodka, Trump Mortgage, Trump
Magazine, Trump the Game ... and that's just the tip of the fool's-gold-plated iceberg!―Michael R. Burch

"As you can imagine, with Hillary Clinton being here, security is very tight. The Secret Service has been here all day sweeping the halls, the offices, the hard drives … It's tight."―Jimmy Fallon

Related pages: The Best Donald Trump Jokes of All Time, The Best Donald Trump Puns, The Best Donald Trump Insults, 2016 Republican First Presidential Debate: Winners, Losers and Impressions, Is there a Republican War on Women?, The Donald Trump Bible or The Gospel According to Trump, The Best Ted Cruz Jokes, Conservatives Who Support Gay Marriage, Donald Trump Nicknames, Ten Reasons to "Fire" Donald Trump, Donald Trump's "Muslim Friends", Where Have All the Birthers Gone?, The Best Ted Cruz Jokes, Ted Cruz Nicknames, Is Ted Cruz an Anchor Baby?, Is Donald Trump a Fascist?

The HyperTexts