The HyperTexts

The Best Donald Trump Jokes, Puns, Tweets, Quotes, Poems, Limericks and Hashtags

Q: What do you call it when a Man-Baby takes over the American government?
A: Coup d'Tot.

The page features Donald Trump jokes by comedians like Alec Baldwin, Samantha Bee, Lewis Black, Louis C.K., Michael Che, Stephen Colbert, James Corden, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson, Will Ferrell, Nick Hall, Jimmy Kimmel, Lisa Lampanelli, Jay Leno, David Letterman, Bill Maher, Seth Meyers, Trevor Noah, Conan O'Brien, John Oliver, Chris Rock, Amy Shumer, Sarah Silverman, Jon Stewart and Michelle Wolf. We also have quips and quotes by celebrities like Glenn Beck, Joe Biden, Andy Borowitz, Cher, Hillary Clinton, Mark Cuban, Snoop Dogg, Van Jones, Rachel Maddow, Barack Obama, Dan Rather, Marco Rubio and Howard Stern. Plus we have "top ten" lists of puns, poems, limericks, tweets, memes, quotations, insults, nicknames, hashtags, campaign slogans, coinages, etc.

Cannonball! Donald "Trump of Doom" enters the American political waters ... but can he really walk on water or will he belly-flop the world into oblivion?

Related pages: Trump Puns, Trump Limericks, Trump Nursery Rhymes, Trump Nicknames, Trump 666

The Top Ten Donald Trump Jokes

Donald Trump is giving narcissism a bad name.―Madeline Begun Kane aka Mad Kane

There are schizophrenics with Tourette's who have more control over what comes out of their mouths than Donald Trump.―Bill Maher

Donald Trump is "the kind of person who goes to the Super Bowl and thinks the people in the huddle are talking about him."―Eric Schneiderman

Donald Trump likes to say he's a friend to "the blacks." Unless the Blacks are a family of white people, I'm guessing he's mistaken.―Seth Meyers

This is what I've been waiting for my whole life: a President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a$$hole!―Lewis Black

In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, Donald Trump said, "I believe in God." But of course The Donald was talking about HIMSELF.―Jay Leno

Maybe he should ease into this ... by running for a lower office first, like President of the Hair Club for Men.―Jimmy Kimmel

Here's the thing about Donald Trump: he never apologizes; he's never wrong no matter what crazy thing he says. He's the white Kanye.―Bill Maher

Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.―Craig Ferguson

Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he's sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that!―David Letterman

Apparently David Letterman spoke prophetically, because since his election Trump has become the object of global ridicule. After world leaders assembled at the UN burst into laughter when Trump informed them that he had done more in two years than "almost any other" American president, Stephen Colbert quipped: "Don't worry, Mr. President, they're not laughing at you, they're laughing with each other at you!"

Golden Oldies but Goodies

Q: How many comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Hey, no fair! That's a trick question! Obviously there are no comedians with free hands, because they're all busy at their mikes mocking Trump!
—an update of an old classic by Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" 

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Donald who?
The Donald, duck!
(Nuclear explosions in the background.)

Currently Rising and Trending

Jeff Sessions is the only confederate monument Trump was willing to take down.—Clint Smith @ClintSmithIII

The day Trump allowed the Nunes memo to be published, the stock market crashed 666 points. The federal budget deficit for Trump's first fiscal year was 666 billion dollars. The founder of the Trump family business died on 6-6-6. The Trump family controls 666 Fifth Avenue, a street symbolic of money (Mammon). Trump was born on a blood moon. And that's just the tip of the Antichrist iceberg! (For more, click Trump 666)

Evangelicals love Trump. Sure he's a liar, but he's their liar. Sure he's a sexual predator, but he's their sexual predator. Sure he's the opposite of Jesus Christ in every imaginable way, but he's their Antichrist.

Trump gave thanks for himself on Thanksgiving Day. Meanwhile, as the Trumps dined in regal splendor, refugee children were being gassed at the border. Trump did, however, pardon two turkeys. Such a fine Christian gentleman!

Trump is putting the X back in Xmas by X-ing out refugee children and their mothers. If baby Jesus and Mary showed up needing shelter, Trump wouldn't provide them with even a lowly manger. Instead, he'd order American soldiers to drive them back into the wilderness at gunpoint. Meanwhile, this is what the eerie Trump festivities looked like last year: Trump Christmas.

Trump accusing Michael Cohen of lying is like a spitting cobra criticizing a bulldog for drooling. Whose saliva is the most lethal?―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Inspiring reminder: In America anyone can grow up and become Individual-1.―Preet Bharara

Individual-one is in deep number two.―@JeffFromNH

James Comey has a deadpan sense of humor. When he testified before Congress and was asked about Trump's suggestions that he and Robert Mulder were touchy-feely bosom buddies, Comey replied that he had "never hugged or kissed the man" then noted this was "A relief to my wife."

Who will replace White House Chief of Staff John Kelly? Prospective nannies for Truant Trump include Julie Andrews (Mary Poppins), Emma Thompson (Nanny McPhee), Carol Burnett (Miss Hannigan), Louise Fletcher (Nurse Ratched), Kathy Bates (Annie Wilkes), Hulk Hogan (Mr. Nanny), Arnold Schwarzenegger (Kindergarten Cop), Michael Hordern (Merlin), Ian McKellen (Gandalf), Richard Harris (Albus Dumbledore), Guy Henry (Pius Thicknesse), Alan Rickman (Severus Snape), Robbie Coltrane (Hagrid) and Melania (although she already has her hands full with young Barron). But the chances that anyone can keep the man-baby president from peeing all over the White House remain slim to none, whether by muscle, intimidation or magic.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

According to Trump, it is "very legal" and "very cool" to lie through his teeth to the American public, Congress and the FBI. While campaigning and since being elected president, Trump has repeatedly said things like: "I have no deals with Russia. I have no dealings with Russia. I have no deals that could happen in Russia, because we've stayed away. What do I know about Russia? I have nothing to do with Russia. I promise you I've never made ... I don't have any deals with Russia. I had Miss Universe there a couple of years ago other than that no. I had nothing to do [with Russia]." Like most liars, Trump can't keep his story straight. In reality, he and his family were secretly meeting with Russian agents, making backdoor deals, rigging the 2016 presidential election, and jeopardizing national security by compromising themselves.

Oh, what tangled webs they weave
when Trump and his toupée seek to deceive!
―Michael R. Burch

According to NBC News, in a "highly unusual intervention by a president into a pending criminal case," Trump tweeted that Michael Cohen "lied for this outcome and should, in my opinion, serve a full and complete sentence." WOW, if Trump served a "full and complete sentence" for every lie he told, he'd be serving till the end of time! (And perhaps beyond.)

"HEAD"-LINE: After Pittsburgh synagogue massacre, Calamity Mane anguishes about having "a bad hair day" then consoles "At least you know it's mine."

Trump was blasting out "Happy" at a political event short hours after the Pittsburgh synagogue massacre. Pharrell Williams demanded that Trump "cease and desist" from using the song so inappropriately. Perhaps Pharrell can write a new campaign song for Trump called "Sappy."

"HEAD"-LINE: Trump has another bad hair day, flees Paris Peace Forum, meets in private with Mr. Putin to plot Armageddon.

"HEAD"-LINE: Trump worrying about rain messing up his hair is like the Elephant Man worrying that sugar might give him zits.

"HEAD"-LINE: Zombies invade White House, find nothing to eat.

From time to time Trump manages to do something that seems impossible. For instance, he released a campaign video that was too racist for Fox News!

Donald Trump really is trying to raise American living standards. Particularly those of ex-pornstars.—Nick Hall

Will Trump be yelling and tweeting "Lock her up!" about the apple of his sty, after learning that Ivanka has been using her private email for government business? #LockHerUp #LockUpIvanka

In addition to her emails, federal investigators should examine Ivanka's feemails.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump's love for MbS is a romance that is perpetually new, a cloudless day of picnics in the park, sweet nothings of arms and oil deals, and promises of mutual defense.―Graeme Wood in The Atlantic 

Trump has made his decision: Mohammed bin Salman may be a murderous bastard, but he's not going to let that stop the US from selling billions in advanced weapons to Saudi Arabia. And we all know how well that policy worked with Saddam Hussein!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Sometimes the best Trump jokes are created by The Donald himself. For instance, Ohio Rep. Tim Ryan called it "an absolute joke" after Trump claimed to have a "magic wand" for manufacturing on the same day GM closed five plants. GM is laying off more than 10% of its North American work force, while increasing production in China and Mexico. The layoffs will have a domino effect, as GM suppliers follow suit. The final figure could be 50,000 layoffs or more. And Trump was a prime factor with his trade wars, tariffs and rolling back of vehicle economy standards, which hurt the sales of smaller American-made cars. Now China and Mexico are the winners and American workers are the losers, thanks to Trump's "magic wand."

Oh, how the mighty stupid have fallen!―Daily Kos

Oh Hell, Make it the Top Twenty-Five Donald Trump Jokes

Mr. Trump, you've ruined more models' lives than bulimia. You've disappointed more women than Sex and the City 2.―Lisa Lampanelli, anticipating Women's Marches to come

Trump says he wants to run for president and move into the White House. Why not? It wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home.―Snoop Dogg

You know what I love? A famous guy that will take me furniture shopping and just straight up grab my p***y.—Amy Schumer

Is it possible that we've all been groped by Donald J. Trump, but just didn't feel it because of his tiny baby hands?—Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump: a man with all the charm of a turd that won't flush.―Russell Howard

Say what you will about Trump, he's not stupid. He is a smart man with a deep understanding of what stupid people want.―Andy Borowitz of The New Yorker

Donald Trump told supporters he'd like to punch protesters in the face. Though he looks more like the kind of guy who would stroke a white cat while somebody else punched you in the face.—Seth Meyers

I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected.—Jon Stewart

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.—Albert Einstein, explaining why he couldn't hold a candle to Trump in the "idea" department

Trump has a better relationship with Tiffany than he does to facts.—Trevor Noah

Obviously, Trump didn't invent racism. If he had, it would have gone bankrupt years ago.—Samantha Bee

Only in America could a man whose staff took away his Twitter account be given the nuclear codes.―Graydon Carter

Trump is taking us from unprecedented to unpresidented.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Donald Trump is the gift that keeps on giving ... women the creeps.―Seth Meyers

Donald Trump is America's back mole. It may have seemed harmless a year ago, but now that it's become frighteningly bigger, it's no longer wise to ignore it.―John Oliver

Donald Trump said that he's not going to the Fox News debate, because moderator Megyn Kelly is biased against him. And Trump has a right to be scared, because usually when a younger, attractive woman disagrees with him, she ends up taking half his stuff.―Jimmy Fallon

A Donald Trump rally was delayed for nearly two hours yesterday due to fog. At one point the fog was so thick, Trump supporters couldn't even see who they were punching!―Conan O’Brien

Today Trump said he believes in torturing prisoners. Which is bad news for Melania.―Jimmy Kimmel

Trump has only two options for illegal immigrants: "Get out!" or "Marry me!"―Jimmy Kimmel

Trump is like the guy who'll say anything to get laid, only this time he's trying to fuck the country.―Mark Cuban

Being on reality TV is the closest Trump ever got to reality. His children look like a teen movie about Wall Street vampires directed by Uday Hussein.―Frankie Boyle 

C'm'on lefties! Admit that Trump has been very tough on China! He has been especially tough on Chinese kids who slave away in sweatboxes, making his menswear! He has also been incredibly tough on Hispanic and Muslim kids!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Fox has their head so far up Trump's ass they bumped into Chris Christie.—Larry Wilmore

Wow. Trump's an asshole, but he's honest. Yeah. He's honestly an asshole.―Trevor Noah

Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. But experts say that if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property.—Conan O'Brien

Nasty women are on the march, everywhere. Poor Tweety! It must be wike wooking awound to weawize he's suwwounded by wegions of dwastardly Swylvesters!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" 

More Current Events

After visiting Canada for a meeting of the G7, Donald Trump remarked that it was "a really great overseas trip."—Nick Hall

It is FAKE NEWS that Trump is not a history expert. You just have to spell it correctly: "his story."—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump is not a dispenser of "fake news." He goes yugely beyond that with FAKE SPEWS.

Trump says fake news has to end. I agree. Lock down his Twitter account and slap duct tape over his nasty lying mouth.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" 

Liberals call Trump a monster because he allegedly had sex with a porn star just weeks after his son was born, didn't wear a condom and after he finished rolled over, turned on Shark Week and ordered fried chicken. To me that makes him an inspiration. He's the Motley Crue of politics!—Leo Kearse

Trump hates the first amendment, loves the second amendment, and has no idea what the third amendment is.—Sid Singh

Trump has a very clear interpretation of the Bill of Rights: everything Trump does is right. 

Trump loves capitalism but hates free trade, which is like being a Destiny's Child fan who hates Beyoncé.—Alex Kealy 

Want to know the real reason Trump loves Kim Jong-un so much? It's because Lil' Kim is the only world leader with smaller hands. And he's the only "head" of state with more comical hair than Trump. What's not to like, when narcissism is the sole measuring rod?—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

The weird thing about Trump's presidency is that I now actually hope that there is a shadowy cabal deep within the US government dedicated to undermining the democratically elected leader.—Alex Kealy  

Melania Trump called herself "the most bullied person in the world." Sadly, that's what happens when you marry the world's biggest cyberbully!—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

The Donald loomed like a tropical depression over France, insulting the French people for needing American assistance against Germany while forgetting or not knowing that France bailed out the American revolutionaries first. There wouldn't have been a United States without France's support. Trump is the ultimate Ugly American.

Asking Trump to be more civil is like asking a spitting cobra to be less venomous.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Other presidents have been world leaders. But Trump's a world pleader: "Please give us more money! Please don't compete with us! Please take all the refugees so we don't have to take any, or just let the children and their mothers rot and die! Please! Please! Please!" (During his campaign Trump bragged that he "wins by whining," so this is not accidental.)

Trump made the November 2018 elections all about himself and his agenda. He received his answer from record numbers of American voters: FU A$$hole.

Under Trump the United States has become the land of the plea and the home of the knave.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Call Trump the Banana Republican after he threatened to use "law enforcement" to stop votes from being counted in Florida. Joe Scarborough correctly pointed out that Trump is turning the US into a third-world country.

Trump called Stormy Daniels "Horseface" and a "total con" in one of his nastier tweets (which is saying a lot). Stormy had the perfect rejoinder: "Game on, Tiny!" and she also noted his "shortcomings."

Thanks to Trump scientists have finally been able to prove that men with small hands do indeed have small sex organs (and small minds as well).—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump finally admitted that he's a nationalist. But in his haste to tweet, he left out the word "white."—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Ted Cruz is such a funny guy, by which I don't mean humorous. Cruz cracked a joke about the death of Mary Jo Kopechne at Chappaquiddick by saying that when his opponent got in a car with Joe Kennedy, "it may be the first time in history anyone's ever asked a Kennedy to drive!" Once again we see how little women's lives matter to the GOP's alpha males.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" 

Trump just proclaimed a National Day of Prayer. That's like Hugh Hefner calling for a National Day of Celibacy or Ted Bundy taking a short break from serial killing.

White men really are superior, according to a renowned expert! Ann Coulter, commenting on the Kavanaugh rape allegations, insisted that "there has never been a more pacific, less rapey creature than the white male of Western European descent." Coulter might want to crack a history book or two. Has she never heard of the Holocaust, the Trail of Tears, American slavery, the Crusades, the Inquisitions, the ethnic cleansing of the New World, etc.? As Mark Twain once observed, one of the great lies is that the white man is any less savage than the other savages. And, as Yogi Berra put it, "You could look it up."—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Prepare for a new form of the "bump and grind"! Trump said he and North Korean serial killer Kim Jong-un "fell in love" because of Kim's undoubtedly flattering "beautiful letters." And this time the bromance will be consummated because a top Pyongyang official just said "f* you" to denuclearization.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Donald Trump weenie jokes:

Stormy Daniels described Trump's penis as "smaller than average" but "not freakishly small."
"He knows he has an unusual penis," Daniels said, "It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool..."
"I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart..."
"It may have been the least impressive sex I'd ever had, but clearly, he didn't share that opinion."

Trump issued a four-word tweet after the funerals of John McCain and Aretha Franklin: Make America GRATE again!

Trump put the "ire" in Ireland when he threatened to visit there, but the natives were playing "Ode to Joy" after his trip was canceled.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Call Brett Kavanaugh the "hanging judge" since he apparently goes around dangling his participle.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Brett Kavanaugh is a real card! He's the "get out of jail FREE card" in Trump's version of Monopoly.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Paul Manafort's name is prophetic. He will soon man a fort (a stockade known as a "federal prison").—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Donald Trump, Paul Manafort and Michael Cohen are partners in grime.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Thanks to The Donald we now live in the days of whine and poses!

Trump Only Hires the Best People!

Trump said of Attorney General Jeff Sessions: "This guy is mentally retarded. He's this dumb Southerner."
Rudy Giuliani, acting as Trump's lawyer and speaking for him, called Michael Cohen a "pathological manipulator" and "liar."
Trump called former White House staffer Omarosa Manigault-Newman a "dog" and "a crazed, crying lowlife."
Reince Priebus reportedly called the presidential bedroom where Trump does most of his tweeting "the Devil's workshop."
White House chief of staff John Kelly told colleagues that Trump "an idiot. It's pointless to try to convince him of anything. He's gone off the rails. We're in Crazytown."

Trump Space Cadet and Space Force Memes

To insanity and beyond!
We will take you to our leader, if you will take Trump with you!
May the Space Force be with you, because in space no one can hear you lie!
Houston, we have a problem! It should be Space Farce!
On the space ship Lollipop / orbiting nukes are gonna rock!

Michael Cohen's lips have their own legal strategy: Flip. Flop. Flap.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump's legal strategy is sound: the President cannot be indicted because he has work to do! He can grope, rape, murder, lie and collude with impunity, because he's too busy to bother with the law!

GOP = Goosesteppers obeying Putin.

The Trump-inspired NFL anthem policy is the sports equivalent of a shotgun wedding.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Oh really? Was Trump being honest when he claimed that he only hires the best people? It seems more likely that he only hires the worst people, based on what he and his cronies have said about Omarosa ("wacky," "nasty" and a "loser" who was "nothing but problems"), Jeff Sessions ("very weak" and "disgraceful"), Anthony Scaramucci (human Brylcreem who lasted all of ten days), Betsy DeVos ("ditsy"), Michael Cohen ("pathological liar"), Michael Flynn (now a convict), Paul Manafort and Rick Gates (on trial for fraud), Kirstjen Nielson (a "total failure"), Wilbur Ross ("past his prime"), George Papadopoulos ("liar"), Reince Priebus ("leaker"), Sean Spicer (the butt of some of SNL's funniest skits in recent memory), et al.

Trump has a cute new nickname for immigrant children: "bargaining chips."—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump has no problem putting babies on ICE.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Beware, the vICEman cometh!—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump's new campaign song is ICE ICE Baby.

Mr. Art of the Deal admits he's been using immigrant children as a negotiating tool, which makes him the tool of the Devil. And we'd expect the spawn of the Father of Lies to spawn lies on a daily basis, which Trump does, further confirming his dark heritage.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

To reboot American democracy the key stroke is ALT-RIGHT-DELETE.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

I know you don't believe in climate change but a storm's a-coming, baby.―Stormy Daniels on SNL

Trump has the amazing ability to make Tricky Dick Nixon seem virtuous and Shrub Junior wise.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

President Trump spent the day tweeting complaints about leaks inside the White House, because we all know Trump prefers his leaks inside Russian hotel rooms!―Deadpool (Ryan Reynolds) on the Steven Colbert show

Donald Trump isn't here [at the White House Correspondents' Dinner]. I would drag him here myself, but it turns out the president of the United States is the one pussy you're not allowed to grab.―Michelle Wolf 

It's 2018 and I'm a woman, so you can't shut me up ... unless you have Michael Cohen wire me $130,000.―Michelle Wolf

Or perhaps hold out for 150K, like the Playboy bunny!―Michael R. Burch

Trump has the same approach to nuclear treaties and groping women's genitals: "We’re here now, why can't we just do it?"―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

The new political equation? Vote = Alt-Write-Delete.

Trump has the face that launched a thousand shocks.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

It is FAKE NEWS that Trump's foundation is not a legitimate charity! Trump's charity is absolutely fulfilling its prime directive by showering Trump with fame and acclaim, using other people's money! And Trump is so deeply mired in debt that he's a charity case himself, so decorating his golf clubs and buying life-sized pictures of himself is perfectly kosher!

It's time to rename Memorial Day. Let's call it Mem-Boor-ial Day, or Boor-More-ial Day, after Trump crowed that fallen American soldiers would be very happy with and proud of his accomplishments! Trump was almost giddy with happiness, and concluded his tweet with "Nice!"

Truant Trump recently had a Starburst Outburst when he threw two pieces of candy at German Chancellor Angela Merkel during one of his temper tantrums. In related news Donald the Menace's new book is titled The Art of the Squeal. It will be followed by The Art of the Feel and The Art of the Appeal.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Meanwhile, ABC "barred" the door to the grotesque racism of Trump's biggest fan, Roseanne Barr.

T'gether Trump and Roseanne 're makin' 'Murica grate again, 'specially wit' them thar cute ape jokes!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

At least Trump pulls out when he promises to. If only his father had done the same!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Better cancel the Nobel Peace Prize celebration. In his letter canceling the Singapore summit, Trump said that only his personal dialogue with Jong-Un matters. The world hanging in the balance is nothing compared to Trump's personal relationships. The world being saved matters not a whit unless Trump is treated nicely. No harsh words, unless Trump is spouting them! There was also a thinly veiled threat that the US can destroy North Korea at Trump's whim. Such diplomacy!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump and Roseanne are the ultimate odd couple: the Flag Waver and the Anthem Desecrator.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Q: How do you know that your cabinet is completely batshit crazy?
A: When the most moderate member's nickname is "Mad Dog."
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

In order to win elections and stay in power, Republicans are robbing voters of their rights by "drawing discombobulated district lines as if they're f*****g Picasso."―Lewis Black

Trump said leaks are "fake news" but in the next breath he accused the leakers of being traitors, which suggests the news is not fake but very serious.

Donald Trump spent more time firing Lil Jon than he did the Secretary of State.―Jimmy Kimmel

Trump is "going through Cabinet members quicker than Starbucks throws out black people."―Michelle Wolf 

You know things are crazy when you hear the president is being sued by a porn star and people have to ask, "Which one?"―Jimmy Fallon

For Donald Trump, losing Hope Hicks is like losing his right arm. Which is really bad, because we all know he needs two hands to drink water!―Stephen Colbert

As reported by CNN, the White House calligrapher now has a higher-level security clearance than Jared Kushner, the former Secretary of Everything.

Trump's doctor predicted he will live a long life. As a result, he's now treating Melania for depression.—Conan O'Brien

Trump continues to amaze us with his incredible "intelligence" and "world's best memory." When Melania returned to the White House after spending six days in the hospital after kidney surgery, The Donald misspelled her name in a tweet, calling her "Melanie."

Former Playboy model Karen McDougal has publicly apologized to Melania for having sex with her husband. In related news, Trump's parents have publicly apologized for having sex and conceiving him.

The Trump presidency is a joke, but it's no laughing matter.―Graydon Carter

"Pretty sure dumb whores go to hell," someone wrote on Stormy Daniels' Twitter feed. "Whew!" she replied. "Glad I'm a smart one."

People who condemn Stormy Daniels while defending a serial molester must have a "screw" loose.

If Trump has a movement behind him, a bowel may be involved.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Was there a good omen recentlya silver lining in the very dark clouds? When Mostik the cat was the first crosser of the Kerch Strait Bridge, making it over before Russian strongman Vladimir Putin, was that a sign that Pussy Riot will also come out ahead?

Signs of the Times

My new backpack is almost as transparent as the NRA's agenda. I feel sooo safe now!―Lauren Hogg, a Parkland survivor
My backpack is worth more than my life. (Parkland students are wearing $1.05 price tags.)
In America women's bodies are more regulated than guns.
The only thing easier to buy than an AR-15 is a GOP candidate.
You can't fix stupid, but you can vote it out.
I've seen smarter cabinets at IKEA!
When Paul Ryan is fired, I'll send my thoughts & prayers.
Betsy DeVos is the only thing that should be fired inside a school.
Students take the bullets and the blame?
If I die in a school shooting, drop my body off at the NRA.
I can't even bring peanut butter to school!
When I said I'd rather die than go to math class, that was hyperbole, assholes!
I want my kid to get A's, not PTSD.
The scariest thing in a school should be my grades!
Ban the piece, strive for peace.
This is not a moment, it's a MOVEMENT.
Arms are for hugging.
And a little child shall lead them.

Donald Trump Puns

If Donald Trump gets elected, there'll be hell toupée.―Anonymous

When Trump is elected we will all have toupée the price.―Ryan Bourassa

Tweety's goose is cooked. It's hard to imagine that there isn't a smorgasbord of foie gras just waiting to be sampled by Robert Mueller and his "follow the money" experts.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Mueller's trap is closing. Tweety is already singing like a canary, in his tweets. It would be be an open and shut case, except that Tweety seems incapable of shutting his trap.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Teddy Roosevelt spoke softly and carried a big stick; Donald Trump speaks loudly and carries a big shtick.―Michael R. Burch

Trump has always been a bully. Now he has the world's biggest bully pulpit.―Michael R. Burch

I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping.―Stephen Colbert

Americans have been mishearing The Donald: what he actually said is that he will make America grate again, after which many of them will migrate again.―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump has filed so many bankruptcies that his children have receding heir lines.―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump's favorite chapter of the Bible is obviously Chapter 11.―Anonymous

Donald Trump accused Huma Abedin of sharing state secrets with her husband. I think Trump clearly lacks a sense of Huma.— Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump just announced that if the GOP doesn't treat him fairly, he will resurrect the Whig party and run as its hair apparent.―Michael R. Burch

Bill Clinton tried to keep his affairs private. Donald Trump makes his privates an international affair.―Michael R. Burch

These are clearly the end times, and now we know why the prophets warned us about the Trump of Doom.―Michael R. Burch

To see how Trump fulfills Biblical prophecies, please click the hyperlink.

Golden Oldies but Goodies

Trump's nuttier than a port­a­potty at a peanut festival.—Unknown

Trump's crazier than a sprayed cockroach.—Unknown

What's the difference between God and Donald Trump? God doesn't think he's Donald Trump.—Unknown

Tonight, we honor a self-made millionaire. He started with nothing, worked hard, and made a fortune. That man is Fred Trump, Donald's dad.—Seth McFarlane

Donald Trump getting elected President has already had a positive effect on the economy. Sales of alcohol have never been higher.—Unknown

Donald Trump really has egg on his face now. Which pairs nicely with the hash browns on the top of his head.—James Corden

Donald Trump likes to sue people. He should sue whoever did that to his face.—Marco Rubio

Donald, you're gross, nobody likes you, but you come back every couple of years. Nobody knows why. You're like the McRib.―Whitney Cummings

The Donald and I have a lot in common: we both live in New York, we both play golf, and we both fantasize about his daughter Ivanka.―Jeffrey Ross

I know that he's taken some flack lately, but no one is prouder to put this birth certificate matter to rest than The Donald. And that's because he can finally get back to the issues that matter, like: Did we fake the moon landing? What really happened in Roswell? And where are Biggie and Tupac?―Barack Obama

Donald, we all know about your credentials and breadth of experience. For example—no, seriously—just recently, in an episode of Celebrity Apprentice you didn't blame Lil Jon or Meatloaf—you fired Gary Busey. And these are the kinds of decisions that would keep me up at night.―Barack Obama

Food for Thought

Alec Baldwin called Trump the "head writer" of Saturday Night Live because "90 percent" of his Trump impersonation lines are actually direct quotes.

Why doesn't Jimmy Fallon join in the fun more often? He says Trump is "too serious" to joke about!

Donald Trump just announced the first immigrants to be deported: Lady Liberty, a French import, along with her huddled masses yearning to be free.―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast? This is no joke, because the most expensive single building ever sold in the United States was purchased by the Trump family, at 666 Fifth Avenue, a street that symbolizes money (Mammon). The price was $1.8 billion, which is three more sixes. Another Trump tower at One Journal Square will be 666 feet high with a price tag of $666 million. And still that is just the tip of the 666 iceberg. The founder of the original Trump company died on 6-6-6 and her maiden name may shock you: Elizabeth Christ. You can click the hyperlink to learn more (no annoying ads or requests for money; this is a public service). Yes, it does sound like the plot of a new OMEN movie, but in this case fact really is stranger than fiction. Ironically, evangelical Christian leaders are now lining up to endorse Trump. Have the very elect been deceived, just as the Hebrew prophets predicted thousands of years ago when they warned us to listen for the Trump of Doom? The Antichrist has been prophesied to be a sort of "reverse twin" of Jesus Christ, as if Lucifer became flesh and sought to become the Savior of the world. And Trump has certainly been proclaiming himself as the only possible Savior. For instance, at a campaign rally in Kiawah Island, S.C., the egomaniacal Trump made it clear that he, not God Almighty, is the only possible defender of Christians. Discussing ISIS, Trump said, "Their primary goal is to get to the Vatican. If and when the Vatican is attacked, the pope would only wish and have prayed that Donald Trump would have been elected president." In other words, it is useless for people of faith to pray to God for protection. Christians should pray for Trump to save them. After a terrorist attack in Pakistan on Easter Sunday, Trump tweeted: "Another radical Islamic attack, this time in Pakistan, targeting Christian women & children. At least 67 dead, 400 injured. I alone can solve." No compassion, no condolences, just Trump bragging on Trump. And what arrogance! Who but the Antichrist would claim to be the only possible savior of Christians? Who but the Antichrist would claim to be a Christian while denying the need to ask God for forgiveness? Who but the Antichrist would denigrate Holy Communion by reducing it to a "little cracker" and a "little wine," when these represent the sacred body and blood of Jesus Christ to real Christian believers?

Donald Trump is now ahead of Hillary Clinton in the polls. This was reported today in The Washington Post, and 2,000 years ago in the Book of Revelation.―Conan O'Brien

Republicans sowed intolerance and in its shadow, Trump sprang up like toxic fungi.
―Charles M. Blow

Currently Rising, Part II

NEWS FLASH: Ty Cobb strikes out, retires, joins the Hall of Shame.―Michael R. Burch

CNN says Sarah "Suckmypee" Sanders has "lost all credibility with the American people." Did she have any to begin with? Hasn't she been lying like a dog since day one?―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

A lot of people want Trump to be impeached. I do not. Because just when you think Trump is awful, you remember Mike Pence. Mike Pence is what happens when Anderson Cooper isn't gay.―Michelle Wolf

Scott Pruitt just announced that for the sake of accuracy the EPA is being renamed the Environment Polluters Advisory.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

I just love the smell of irony in the morning. The FOSTA anti-prostitution bill requires the signature of Donald J. Trump, whose middle initial stands for "John." Trump's been paying women 10K for sex, then 100K or more to buy their silence about how he procures their services. Our president is his own pimp!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

First Trump vowed that Mexico would pay for the wall. Then it was taxpayers. Now Trump is dunning our men and women in uniform. Next on his list is the Girl Scouts, with a YUGE cookie sale.

"Trade wars are good, and easy to win." So declared Donald Trump a few weeks ago, after announcing tariffs on steel and aluminum. Actually, trade wars are rarely good, and not at all easy to win—especially if you have no idea what you’re doing. And boy, do these people not know what they're doing!―The New York Times

Vladimir Putin poisoned a Russian intelligence agent. Trump called to congratulate him and get tips on how to take out Robert Mueller.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

On November 9, 2016, Vladimir Putin became the first person to have won presidential elections in Russia and the United States.

Trump gives new meaning to the term "March Madness." He's mad as a March hare, he's marching us to disaster, and his hair's insane!

"I won't rule out direct talks with Kim Jong-un. I just won't," Trump said. "As far as the risk of dealing with a madman is concerned, that's his problem, not mine." In a rare blip of honesty Trump just admitted that Jong-un will be dealing with a madman!

The Trump plot thickens? Hell, it's way past hardened concrete at this point.―Ted ontheleftcoast in a Daily Kos thread

Jimmy Kimmel, choking on tears after 17 Florida high school students were murdered in yet another senseless massacre, said: "You say this is a mental health issue, but one of your first acts as president, Mr. Trump, was to roll back the regulations that were designed to keep firearms out of the hands of the mentally ill. You did that. Your party voted to repeal the mandates on coverage for mental health. I agree this is a mental illness issue. Because if you don’t think we need to do something about it, you’re obviously mentally ill."

The NRA's Wayne LaPierre told CPAC that the right to bear arms "is not bestowed by man, but granted by God to all Americans as our American birthright." That's right: auburn-haired, fair-skinned Rambo-Jesus wants all his disciples packing heat!

Sarah Chadwick, one of the student survivors, tweeted: "We should change the names of AR-15s to 'Marco Rubio' because they're so easy to buy."

Trump claimed not to be afraid of the NRA. But when a student asked if he'd return $30 million in NRA blood money, Trump turned white as a KKK sheet and fainted.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" 

After Trump claimed he would have run in and fought an AR-15-armed mass murderer bare-handed, Stephen Colbert asked, "What are you gonna do? Run in and stab him with your bone spurs?" Colbert also expressed doubts that the walrus-like Trump is able to "run." Did he mean that he would waddle in, then flop down in exhaustion, causing an earthquake to incapacitate the killer?

The White House reported that Trump is the victim of "malicious leaks." Apparently, Russian hookers have been peeing on him again.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" 

If you can get this idiot elected twice, you would achieve something like immortality in politics.—Sam Nunberg

Sam Nunberg has all the reserve of a howler monkey escaped from the zoo.—Jack Shafer

Have we seen the worst of Trump? Ap-parent-ly not (pardon the pun), since a White House nanny cautioned that "We haven't bottomed out." So expect to see man-baby Trump exposing that YUGE ass in public until he takes a spanking at the polls.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump is NOT a flip-flopper! He's simply a man without positions, morals or a clue.

General John F. Kelly had a simple explanation for how he became Trump's head nanny: "God punished me!"

It is clearly FAKE NEWS that Melania was not qualified for an Einstein visa. She is undoubtedly a genius at disrobing, attracting rich, powerful men, and having them provide her every need! She even chain-migrated her parents over. Now she's living in the White House, yet doesn't have to sleep in the same bed with Trump. She gets to amuse herself with little ironic jokes, like saying her "main priority" is to end cyber-bullying when her husband is the world's biggest and nastiest cyber bully. How can anyone possibly deny such staggering genius? We should all bow down to Melania in awe, then buy her self-help books!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"  

Let's get this straight. Trump attorney Michael Cohen paid porn star Stormy Daniels $130,000 out of the goodness of his heart and his own personal checkbook. But he had to set up a shell companya Delaware LLCto do it. Nothing suspicious about that! And of course Trump wasn't guilty of anything, so it wasn't hush money. Everyone knows that Trump is as faithful as the day is long! If you believe that cockamamie story, I have some political swampland that you will undoubtedly want to purchase at outlandish prices.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" 

Was Michael Wolff exaggerating about how bad things were in the Trump White House? Not according to Reince Priebus, who held Trump's tiny little hands and burped him on a daily basis. Priebus said we should take anything we heard and multiply it 50 times. And this is from a Republican nanny who says he loves Trump and wishes him well!

Trump says we should "Hire the best and fire the worst." Great idea! Let's start at the top and work our way down! #DumpTrump #CropGOP

Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte says female rebels should be shot in the genitals to render them "useless.'' In related news, President Pussygrabber volunteered to "snatch" the women while Duterte "cocks" and shoots.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" 

The great hair flap is, literally, a hair flap. Oh, what tangled webs Trump weaves when his hair graft practices to deceive!

Thanks to all the women's marches he inspired, Trump has single-handedly saved the pink yarn industry!―Michael Che on SNL's Weekend Update

Donald Trump blamed minority leader Chuck Schumer for the government shutdown, because he never misses a chance to blame a minority.―Colin Jost on SNL's Weekend Update

Negotiating with the Trump administration is like "negotiating with jello."—Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer

To us non-experts the only thing that looks healthy about Donald Trump is that he's shaped like the food pyramid.—Trevor Noah

Trump supporters continue to stand by their sham.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Signs of the Resistance

Nasty women are snatching back their country from Trump, one march at a time.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

These are the top ten signs carried by Trump protesters, followed by a number of honorable mentions. 

Today we march, tomorrow we RUN for office!
Keep your tiny hands off my button!
Our button's bigger than yours! (With a picture of a ballot.)
Sex offenders are not allowed in government housing!
A woman's place is in the Resistance. // A woman's place is in the House and Senate.
Girls just wanna have fun-damental human rights.
Tweet women with respect!
Stop tweetin' u stoopid puddy gwabber!
Trump is making America grate again.
Love trumps hate, so #DumpTrump.

Honorable Mention

When Voldemort is president, we need a nation of Hermiones. (Held up by a group of little girls.)
Trump's wives are immigrants.
Free Melania!
I've seen smarter cabinets at IKEA!
Elect a clown, expect a circus!
We need to talk about the Elephant in the womb! (With a picture of the GOP elephant.)
Boys will be boys held accountable.
Tiny hands, YUUUGE asshole!
Bully Culprit.
Electile dysfunction.
Stop pretending your racism is patriotism.
Men of quality respect women's equality.
I am not longer accepting things I cannot change, I am changing things I cannot accept!
Vote like your life depends on it, because it does!
Grab 'em by the midterms!
Still here. Still nasty. Still voting.
Voting is my SUPERPOWER.
See you in November, boys.
We are the Wall. (On a sign with a wall formed by pink bricks.)
On fire and furious.
Impeach the orange.
Not my Cheeto!
Make The Donald Drumpf again: deport Trump.

Much Ado About a Nothingburger

Q: Why is Donald Trump terrified of sharks?
A: Because he's a whale, duh!
—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

According to porn star Stormy Daniels, Donald Trump watched Shark Week obsessively and was "riveted" and "terrified" by sharks. Daniels quoted the Great White Snark saying: "I would never donate to any charity that helps sharks! I hope all the sharks die!" Her account rings true, because who could make up something so bizarre? Furthermore, Trump apparently confirmed Daniels' account when in 2013 he tweeted about his hatred of sharks: "Sharks are last on my list—other than perhaps the losers and haters of the World!" We know how Trump hates all those dark-skinned losers and haters in shithole countries. So he must really, really hate sharks with a passion!

It is FAKE NEWS that Trump gets no exercise. He gets plenty of exercise chasing porn stars around his bedroom in his tighty whities!—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Thanks to Celebrity Apprentice producer Mark Burnett, we don’t have to watch reality shows anymore ... because we’re living in one.―Jimmy Kimmel

More specifically, we are now living in Celebrity Apprentice President.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Dennis Rodman has more foreign policy experience than Jared Kushner. That's for real.―Jimmy Kimmel

Or is it for surreal?

The Dreamers? Ultimately, Donald Trump believes that if these kids want to be American, they have to do it the right way: by marrying Donald Trump.―Jimmy Kimmel

Trump has found the perfect political bargaining CHIP ... the lives and futures of millions of innocent children he is supposed to represent.

John Kelly: President Trump's thinking on the wall has evolved.
Donald Trump: It is fake news that I have ever evolved, or that I think!

John Kelly: It won't be be a wall, it won't work and Mexico won't pay for it.
Donald Trump: Will too! And why is everyone being so mean to me?

Insiders say Widdle Donnie Whinydiaper had a temper tantrum, because General Kelly made him sound like a child who needs to be managed!

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream.
Donald Trump has a scheme.

On Martin Luther King day, Trump announced: "I too have a dream ... a big beautiful dream ... getting rid of the Dreamers!" Then he got back to what's really import, playing golf.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

It is FAKE NEWS that Donald Trump is inconsistent, flighty and variable as the wind! There is one area in which Trump is tremendously consistent. BIGLY consistent. YUGELY consistent. Whenever a girl or woman is abused, Trump ALWAYS sympathizes with the abuser, whether it's Roy "Score" Moore, Steve "Bam Bam" Bannon, "Gory" Corey Lewandowski, Roger "Dodger" Ailes, Bill "the Shill" O'Reilly, Andy "Putz" Puzder, or Rob "Rock 'em and Sock 'em" Porter. Why? ...

Predators of a feather
flock together.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition

Hell, Trump told USA Today that if his daughter Ivanka experienced sexual harassment in the workplace, he "would like to think she would find another career or find another company." No need to punish the male abusers, just get rid of the female victims! Trump also told Howard Stern that it would be "okay" for him to call Ivanka a "piece of ass." If that's how Trump feels about his own daughter, just imagine how he feels about women in general.

Trump is still having trouble sticking to the teleprompter. For instance, he recently read: "We're going to win lots of elections!" However, he missed the tail end: "for Democrats."

Trump is, indeed, a Stable Genius. He's like the kid who rakes muck in a barn full of pigs, donkeys and jackasses.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump was actually correct, for once. The world is full of shitholes. The biggest one's between his endlessly flapping lips!

Trump is doing a remarkable job of making China great again, by alienating country after country after country. Our loss of international prestige is China's gain.

How quickly they forget! Trump says Democrats are "un-American" and "treasonous" for failing to applaud him. But then Trump must be un-American and treasonous for having failed to applaud President Obama. Lock him up!

Trump is a man of his word! As promised, during his State of the Disunion speech Trump really did extend an "open hand." He then used it to repeatedly slap down the DREAMers and other immigrants.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Repealing DACA in order to MAGA is a load of CACA.―Stephen Colbert 

It's ironic that Trump wants to end chain migration when the German Drumpfs are its poster children.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Why did Trump go to Davos? Obviously, to persuade Erna Solberg, the Prime Minister of Norway, to export more fair, blonde Ivankas to America! What can the US offer in return? Some of our "beautiful clean coal," of course!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Retiring Rep. Charlie Dent (R-Pa.) likened the GOP to a dysfunctional family: "Dad's drunk again but we don’t talk about it."

Trump has taken the "Art of the Deal" to unprecedented levels. He just announced that Norway will spend mega-bucks on the F-52, a plane that doesn't exist. Talk about stealth technology!

Speaking of Norway, if Trump was as smart as he claims, he'd know that Norwegians have no interest in vastly lowering their standard of living by emigrating to the United States. That would be like the Rockefellers migrating to a trailer park!

Why would Trump call nations of darker-skinned people "shitholes" and call for more Norwegian emigrants? He has a very simple plan to make American great again: import more Donalds and Ivankas! (He also seems to be planning to run for Grand Wizard of the KKK after the impeachment.)

When Trump tells other Americans to "get smart," he clearly means "smart" like himself and Maxwell Smart.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Omarosa saying Trump is "racial" but not a "racist" is like saying Hitler was "fanatical" but not a "fanatic."

President P***ygrabber's new book will be titled The Art of Copping a Feel.

The "Trump Effect" is sweeping the world like the shadows of Sauron's ring-wraiths rising over Mordor. Now multitudes of sociable, peace-loving Hobbits are endangered, especially the darker-skinned ones. Fortunately we don't have to risk our lives to defeat Orange Sauron and his trolls. All we have to do is vote.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" 

There's a new movie in the works about the Trump-Bannon bromance: Fatal Detraction.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

After Michael Moore announced his intention to frack within sight of Mar-a-Lago, hinky Ryan Zinke rushed south to declare Florida off limits. Do we smell an orange rat?

What goes around, comes around. Trump’s top policy adviser, Stephen Miller, has called out an “angry, vindictive person” whose “grotesque comments are so out of touch with reality.” While everyone will assume he's talking about his boss, Miller was actually chiding Steve Bannon. Which is like Saruman berating Gollum for not being nicer to baby Hobbits.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

How incredibly intelligent is Trump? Let him explain the extent of his genius in his own words ...

I went to the best colleges for college!"—Donald J. Trump
I was a very excellent student!—Donald J. Trump
Actually, throughout my life, my two greatest assets have been mental stability, and being, like, really smart!—Donald J. Trump
I know words. I have the best words!—Donald J. Trump

Why are we not convinced?

Trump and his administration are also very challenged spellers: covfefe, tapp, councel, unpresidented, honered, Denmakr, thr, "here by" followed by "hearby" in an attempted correction, misspelling the name of British Prime Minister Theresa May three times, misspelling "attacker" as "attaker" twenty times, etc.

And Trump's ability to pronounce the "best words" is also highly questionable: yuge (for huge), diversary (for diversity), premedication (for premeditation), youfenism (for euphemism), Nahzees (for Nazis), rusher (for Russia), Mizzuria (for Missouri), Youtar (for Utah), Nuhvahduh (for Nevada), Jeruzu'um and Jerushalem (for Jerusalem), peninshula (for peninsula), internate (for internet), President Ulicious S. Grant, Two Corinthians, and even "God Bless the United Shates"!

Michael Moore threatened to begin fracking at Mar-a-Lago to protest Trump's decision to open nearly all U.S. offshore waters to drilling for oil and natural gas. "Our fracking off the coast of Mar-a-Lago begins right after Labor Day," Moore tweeted. "I’ve already got the rig — a beautiful Halliburton G-0008 fracking system with a monster Caterpillar engine!"

Israel is naming a high-speed rail station after Trump. It will be called the Armageddon Express.

Trump will declare North Korea a state sponsor of terror.―New York Post
North Korea will declare Trump a pate tonsure of error.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

On the surface Hope Hicks seems to be the perfect Trumpite: she's attractive, loyal to a fault, and the ultimate a$$-kissing sycophant. What's not for Trump to like? And yet how can Hope ever hope to compare to the unattainable Ivanka? Truth be told, Hicks is hopeless!

TIME magazine disputed Trump's claim that he turned down the opportunity to be TIME's person of the year, by pointing out that Trump is a walking, talking ego, not a "person" per se.

I'm a liberal, but I have to object! It is obviously fake news that Tweety Twump has no real accomplishments! In reality, Tweetle-Dumb has accomplished the impossible twice. After all, he made George W. Bush seem wise and Richard M. Nixon virtuous!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Tweety Twump is taking us from unpwecedented to unpwesidented.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Tweety lacks the power of reason, but he compensates with the power of TWEASON!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Tweety has a new plan to plan to advance his cartoonish "agenda." He will wally his twoupe around the twoops.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Tweety's no conservative; he's a conswervative (emphasis on "con").―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

TwumpCawe is cwearly a wush to fudgement!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Tweety thought he saw a puddy tat ... so he groped it!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump has been demoted from Big Hoss to Little Don for what Breitbart called Don's Amnesty Bonanza. Truly, Amnesty Don has done the impossible: he's united the Left and Right in fire & fury over immigration! Will the wall be his downfall?

I find it ironic that the only tender, endearing nickname coined by Trump—at least that I have encountered to date—is Honeybunch. That's what porn star Stormy Daniels said Trump called her while cheating on his wife. Then he had her spank him with a Forbes magazine with Ivanka's picture on the cover. (MAGA=Make America Gag Again!)

It took Trump three decades to bust all his casinos, but he managed to shut down the US government in one year. What a dealmaker! Anyone tired of "winning" yet?

Trump "love" is a curious thing ...
does he love dark children half as much as bling?
—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Tweety's acting very flighty.
Everywhere he wooks, he sees a puddy tat!
The only one that doesn't scare him? Slinking Putin.
Why is that?
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" 

The Trump Strutdown led to the Trump Shutdown. Now it's time for a different kind of shutdown. #DumpTrump

In the Spirit of the Season: Trump Christmas Jokes and Puns

There will not be a Nativity scene on Capitol Hill this Christmas season. This isn't for religious reasons, but because no one could three Wise Men or a Virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding plenty of asses to fill the stable.

Have a very scary Trump Christmas!

Thanks to the Trumps the eerily-decorated
White House now has "one of the scariest hallways in America," according to Gizmodo. Adjectives used to describe the Christmastime White House include "dark," "ominous," "diabolical," "spooky" and "Satanic." Comparisons have been drawn to Snow White’s escape route from the Huntsman, The White Witch’s Narnian forest, and that lovely spot where Voldemort drank a unicorn’s blood. But perhaps we should simply admit that "a cold day in hell" has finally arrived. 

The holiday in question, in case you were checking your calendars, is Christmas, which in Melania Trump’s mind apparently conjures up the naked terror of running through a dark forest, alone, pursued by wraithlike shadows and the grasping claws of brittle, dead branches, the only sound the cackling of the ancient witch who will grant your wish to be rich and famous with a designer wardrobe and a gold-plated toilet … for a price.―Katie Rife

The Trump White House, with Melania Antoinette watching ballerinas dance, is remarkably Stepford-Wife-ish. But at least she casts a shadow, however ghostly!

"Photos were released yesterday of first lady Melania Trump decorating the White House for the holidays, though I'm not sure a rope ladder counts as a decoration."―Seth Meyers

Fabulous news for the Trump administration! According to DailyKos, "tens" attended the Trump tree lighting ceremony! (That is not "tens" as in supermodels, but as in small groups of white supremacists who fervidly dream of "all-white" Christmases.)―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump, for once, has kept his word by putting the "Christ" back in Christmas. On a daily basis, he makes 300 million Americans gasp and say "Jesus Christ, what is Trump doing now?"
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

With Trump at the reins, instead of Santa's Sleigh we now have Satan's Slay.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"  

Christmas is coming!
Tycoons are getting fat!
Please put donations
in the Fat Cat's Hat.
If you haven't got a penny
he'll toss you in the stew,
but if you've got ten billion
then may TRUMP bless you!
―Michael R. Burch

For more Trump Christmas goodies (or baddies) please click here:
Trump Christmas.

Currently Rising

Trump is a walking, talking slurring basket case. Out of respect for the elderly senile, please be sure not to tweet #DentureDonald or variations like #IndenturedDonald!

Why did Trump endorse Roy "Score" Moore when Nostradumbass claimed he "knew" the Sludge Judge couldn't win? ...

Raptors of a feather
flock together.
—Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump was not TIME's man of the year, but thanks to his incessant whining and plaintive demands for attention, TIME has made him its Man-Baby of the year for 2017! According to the grapes-of-wrath-vine, TIME will also award The Donald a Golden Diaper that matches his Golden Commode. Furthermore, Trump remains the favorite in the race for other awards: Fake News Reporter of the Year, Race-Baiter of the Year, Nazi Sympathizer of the Year, Warmonger of the Year, Male Chauvinist of the Year, and Sexual Predator of the Year.

OMG, just when we think the Race Grater can't get any more inappropriate, Trump outdoes himself! While meeting with Navajo code talkers, The Grate White Frother made a racist crack about "Pocahontas" and then, with condescension oozing from his pores, patted one of the elderly WWII heroes, saying: "But you know what, I like you. You are special people." Another truly cringe-worthy moment from Old Dickory.

It was a very touching scene when Donald Trump—gasping for breath on his political deathbed—begged Sludge Roy Moore to "Win one for the GROPER!"

Ah, so romantic! It was clearly a case of "love at first bite" when two political pod people—each a Preying Mantis—finally connected by entangling antennae while fully engaging masticating mandibles. It was as if creatures from Predator and Alien embraced, shared a slobbery wet kiss, vowed to "true" to one another, then started looking for warm-blooded humans to devour!

Later, Moore Iago & Co. celebrated Thanksgiving by chuckling about all the evangelical turkeys they'd plucked! Playboy Roy Moore was served by 14-year-olds in cute cowgirl costumes with ultra-short, tight skirts. Dining in pontific splendor at Mire-a-Lago, in between nibbles of succulent white breasts, the American Iago tweeted out the joyful news that the Messiah has indeed returned, in the form of The Donald Himself!

Trump says we don't need another liberal in the Senate. What we really need is another alpha male sexual predator with octopus-like tentacles, like Trump! Someone who's a Gliberal and Fiberal, like Trump!

Ask not what you can do for your country, ask how your daughters can service Moore Trump & Co.

Ivanka Trump said there's a special place in hell for people who prey on children. But then her father told Alabamans to vote for Roy "Score" Moore. Does that make our president the Devil, his Beast, or just an especially perverse Hellfire Imp?

Jeff Flake says that he would wouldn't vote for the Incredible Sincredible Roy Moore.

The White Pride Piper is back to his race-baiting ways. Trump tweeted IT WAS ME!, yelling in ALL CAPS that LaVar Ball should kneel and kiss his ring, like a dutiful plantation slave. When LaVar declined, Trump called him an "ungrateful fool." If there are two things Trumplethinskin can't stand, it's uppity women and uppity people with darker skin.

According to Trump, a black guy who shoplifts should be locked up for 10 years, a black guy who kneels during the anthem should be fired, and a white guy who repeatedly molests and propositions underage girls should be in the US Senate. But if a white guy gropes enough women and brags about it, he should be the American president!

Society is now one polish’d horde,
Form’d of two mighty tribes, the Bores and Bored.
Lord Byron in his epic farce "Don Juan"

Amusing Trump Nicknames from High-Level Sources

THE MORON (Secretary of State Rex Tillerson used the term during a Pentagon meeting on July 20, 2017 with national security experts and Trump cabinet members in attendance.)
THE BOY SPOUTER (Rex Tillerson, who once headed the Boy Scouts, was very angry with Trump's self-serving and moronic speech to the Boy Scouts.)
BEDROCK (Rex Tillerson admits that he is Blarney to his bumbling caveman boss, President Flintstone, when he says they share "bedrock values.")
GOLDEN WRECKING BALL (Sarah Plain was not trying to be funny, but ended up being all too accurate ... so sad!)
AMNESTY DON (Steve Bannon of Breitbart hurled the ultimate white supremacist epithet at Trump.)
THE WINNING WHINER (The Donald bragged about how he "wins" by "whining" during an interview on CNN's New Day program.)

But there is a silver lining in the very dark presidential clouds: When this is how your friends describe you, and how you describe yourself, at least you don't have to worry about your enemies!

Call it Funny Money because the Republicans and their rich patrons will soon be laughing to the bank with your hard-earned money. How do they plan to shift trillions of dollars to the richest one percenters? By getting rid of estate taxes and lowering other taxes the rich already pay at lower effective rates than their secretaries (as Warren Buffet pointed out, admitting that it was very wrong). Why did the last two Republican candidates for president refuse to release their tax returns? Because two of America's richest men have probably paid next to nothing in taxes for a decade, or longer. Everyone knows it's a rigged system, and now Republicans want to rig it even more against the hardworking American middle class. It's a Shamerican Tax Plan, headed by Uncle Scam himself, the greatest scammer of all time. How will Trump & Co. fund their Reverse Robin Hood Scheme? By robbing you of your tax deductions for medical expenses and insurance, state income tax, sales tax, etc. Voting for Re-Flub-Lycans is like slitting one's own throat and the throats of one's children and grandchildren, who will be paying for these "tax cuts" with their blood, sweat and tears for the rest of their lives. So sad, but Trump needs more rich people to pay sky-high membership fees to join his ritzy golf clubs! Hell, the Trumpster's probably playing golf right now, using the presidency as free advertising while taxpayers pay millions of dollars per round for his security entourage.

Bonus Tracks

Stop obsessing over who is taking the knee. Ex-Trump advisor Carter Page has just taken the Fifth.―@GeorgeTakei (aka Mr. Sulu)

If you're sitting on a roof in Texas right now, please take comfort in knowing your president won Missouri. By a lot.―@stonekettle

Hurricane Donald was the third category 5 storm to hit Puerto Rico. The Donald was quick to remind hurricane-battered Puerto Ricans that his Wall Street friends (i.e., his donors) must be repaid. It's so nice to know that the world's most powerful man has his priorities in order! Trump tweeted: "Much of the Island was destroyed, with billions of dollars owed to Wall Street and the banks, which, sadly, must be dealt with." Yes, never mind the deaths, the orphans, the homeless. What really matters is that hedge fund managers and bankers get nice, fat paychecks!

"I have no reaction. The mayor's living on a cot, and I hope the President has a good day of golf." This was the response of Russel L. Honoré, the retired general appointed by Bush to take over the federal response to Katrina in 2005. (We think this one is especially worth copying and pasting, sharing and tweeting.)


Carmen Yulín Cruz is a hero.
Trump is a zero.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Watergate was nothing compared to Floodgate. Trump was closer to a flood in a Russian hotel room than while campaigning and selling overpriced ball caps in Texas. Then the floodgates of his racism hit devastated Puerto Rico like a cyclone. Hurricane Donald is never happy unless he's stirring up white resentment against people with darker skin. This lily-white child of privilege detests underprivileged minorities with a real passion. The white heroes of the recovery in Texas are praiseworthy. The darker zeroes of Puerto Rico must be reminded that they are lazy, shiftless and need to pay their debts. Trump's disdain for people of color abundantly colors his responses to natural disasters.

Things are getting so confusing! We now have three FLOTUSes: Melania Antoinette, Ivana Trump (the ex-wife who claims to be the First Lady), and Ivanka Trump, the First-Lady-Daughter/Proxy-Wife! And who knows how many interns and maids Trump has been groping in the Ovary Office?

Donald Trump makes no sense. He claims to be a germaphobe, but then he brags about groping women's genitals, including Melania's! He's obviously repelled by the thought of women's body fluids, but where does he spend all his free time? Trump's like someone with hay fever who sleeps on a bed of straw, then can't understand why he's itching and sneezing all the time.

Trump is so divorced from the Truth, he should pay it alimony.―Elizabeth Harris Burch aka @Ladydragyn

Trump is a pampered white millionaire who can say and do anything he likes, including grabbing women's genitals without their permission. And yet The Donald claims it is "wrong" for black millionaires to kneel to express their dissatisfaction with white tyrants like Himself. Is there, perhaps, something wrong with this picture? Black men who merely kneel to protest injustice are SOBs. White men with semiautomatic weapons who march with skinheads, Nazis and the KKK are "fine" people and it's wrong for anyone oppose them. Isn't that how Hitler and his goons got started?

Trump called for a boycott of the NFL, then immediately broke the boycott by watching the Cowboys play the Cardinals (because he tweeted about watching the game).

White House lawyer Ty Cobb claimed that "it would be truly shocking" if Paul Manafort had "tried to monetize his relationship with the president." But why would that be so shocking, when Trump himself has blatantly monetized the presidency?

If the guy was running Dairy Queen, he’d be gone. This guy couldn’t work at The Gap. So why do we have to be victimized by his fecklessness, his ignorance? ... Let’s just stop whining about what a goon he is and figure out a way to take him aside and put him in a home.―David Letterman

Ya gotta give Trump props for his remarkable consistency. He always says the worst possible thing at the worst possible time!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Once again, Trump has done the impossible. He turned a tough-as-nails Marine general into a serial face palmer during his U.N. speech.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Kathy Griffin has finally come to her senses! She now says that she doesn't regret her decapitated Trump photo. And let's be honest ... isn't decapitating Trump a guilty fantasy that we all secretly share?―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Green Eggs and Spam
by Michael R. Burch

I do not like your racist ways!
I do not like your hate for gays!
I do not like your talking rump!
I do not like you, Mr. Trump!

I do not like you here or there!
I do not like you anywhere!
I do not like your sham wall scam!
I do not like you, Trump, you ham!

I'm not sure the guy who holds fake press conferences, has a fake university, a fake foundation, fake hair, and a fake tan should be the one in charge of deciding what's real.—Seth Meyers

Steve Bannon told 60 Minutes that the mainstream media is trying to "destroy" Trump. However, Bannon neglected to mention that he is also trying to destroy Trump, and that Trump is trying very hard to destroy himself (and with remarkable success).―Michael R. Burch

Hamza bin Laden is apparently his father's anointed heir, according to recent Al-Qaeda propaganda which prominently features him. In related news, Hamza bin Laden has become a major Trump donor and Trump has appointed him to his swamp cabinet.

At long last, the Trump administration has identified three whistleblowers who will immediately hear The Donald screaming "You're fired!" The leakers' names are Truth, Patriotism and Integrity.

Putin' It All Together

Russia is certainly Putin' on the Ritz, as vodka glasses tinkle celebrations in the Kremlin! It is certainly much easier (and far less expensive) to destroy the United States from within, than to face its formidable military! Donald Trump (aka Comrade Trumputin) has wildly exceeded all expectations. Even Mr. Putin never dreamed that the Brooklyn Bolshevik could bring down the once-mighty USA this quickly!

Q: What do you call it when the Kremlin, Trump Tower and white nationalists unite?
A: Putin' on the Ritz Cracker.

Trump's heart and sole tweet: he urges his Twitter followers to "heel and be stronger than ever before." Now the alt-right has a new rallying cry: "Heil Heeler!"―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" #HeilHeeler

The Best Donald Trump Russia Jokes

Donald Trump crowned Vladimir Putin's girlfriend Miss Universe in 2002. What are the odds? Was it payback for loads of dirty laundry washed clean by Putin's rubles?

Trump whitens and brightens his money the old-fashioned way. He launders it.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Let's hope Steve Bannon is as smart as he thinks he is. After his firing/resignation/ouster/whatever, Darth Bannon told the Weekly Standard that the Trump presidency is "over" without him. It was like Darth Vader saying, "Luke, I am no longer your Father and I want the key to the Death Star back!"―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

C'mon folks, please be fair! To call Trump a "lame duck" is an insult to handicapped waterfowl everywhere!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

A recent poll indicates that 36% of Republicans still approve of Trump. In related news, scientists have just confirmed that 36% of Republicans are deaf, blind and very, very dumb!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS FLASH: Donald Trump, the Remander-in-Chief, has ruled that transgenders cannot serve in the military. However, The Transgender Rearender, despite his self-proclaimed and acclaimed perfect health and virility, was rejected by the draft board. Therefore, The Gender Defender must be a transgender, and that explains The Gender Blender's saggy man-boobs and delicate ladyfingers!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS RASH: Scary Spicer has been replaced by Anthony Scaramucci, who is even scarier! Scaramooch in a rare instance of not dancing the Fandango once called Trump a "hack politician." But Mr. About-Face, yet another Gold Man Sucks hedge fund manager, has suddenly become Trump's biggliest and most gushingest Fan Boy. Did Mr. Moneybags offer him a raise? Now the Hacker Backer has Trump's back, or at least The Brownnoser's lips are planted firmly in Trump's pale orange posterior. Mr. Sicko Pants is busy making hay where the sun don't shine. Friends who once called Scaramucci the Mooch are now calling him the Smoocher. But we prefer the more accurate and descriptive A$$ki$$er. And while Moocholini has been identified by certain experts as belonging to a hyperactive species of Hedge Hog, there is a new report that he is actually a Scare Monkey. We, however, are actively investigating the possibility that Two-Faced Scaramucci is both! (We also believe he'll be the lead villain in the next Bratman movie.) At last word Little Tony Tutone had just cornered the world markets for bronzer and hair gel, while his blow-dryer is now the leading cause of global warming! Please stay "tuned" for further developments concerning Press Deputy DIP-pity-'Do.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS TRASH: Alas, Scaramooch will be forced to 'do the Tandango or go it alone, since his wife announced that she will divorce Mr. Irreconcilable Deferences because of his "naked political ambition." That may be a polite way of saying she will step gracefully aside so that The Premature Ejaculator and The Great Gropesby can consummate their obviously torrid love affair, after they were caught in flagrante delicto on national TV.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS GNASH: There's more bad news for Trump. His new White House Chief of Staff is a no-nonsense, straight-shooting former Marine: General John F. Kelly. Now that The ICE Man Cometh, what will become of Kelly's Zeroes? A longtime friend of Kelly's told The Washington Post that he "won't suffer idiots and fools." Obviously that means Low No IQ Trump is in deep sh*t! Does Kelly's refusal to abide idiots and fools make Trump a Lamé Duck President? Or perhaps a Flambé Duck President? On the brighter side, thanks to the hiring of Anthony "the Mooch" Scaramucci (yes, that is actually what he calls himself!) the Trump administration has finally come up with a unified message ... (drumroll please) ... ta da ... and the GRAND UNIFIED MESSAGE is ... Jeff Sessions sucks! And Reince Priebus sucks his own c*ck! And the Mooch would absolutely love to smooch Trump's c*ck! And, oh, yes ... (drumroll please) ... double ta da ... while Trump is being brownnosed and fellated by the Mooch, he is without-a-doubt the "most presidential" of presidents other than Abraham Lincoln! Thus King Gorge is immediately ready for Mount Rushmore (which would be sublimely appropriate, since he seems to be in more than a rush to mount the Mooch)!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS BACKLASH: Tracy Klugian described herself as "furious" about the canning of Anthony "the Conned Mic Gold Rush" Scaramucci. Klugian and other comedians are now demanding that President Trump appoint a replacement acceptable to the comedy industry. "Unless he picks someone of the order of Gary Busey or Snooki, it's going to get ugly," she warned. In related news, Andy Borowitz has estimated that the Smooch-Mooch's firing could cost the comedy industry four to five billion dollars! But the real loser in all this is Mario Cantone, who could have been the next Melissa McCarthy.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS SMASH: Folks, we can all take deep breaths and relax! Certain disaster has been averted, and things are back to merely abnormal in Trump's Bizarro World! We no longer have to fear a new Uncivil War between our government and mobs of homeless, starving comics! According to deniable sources, Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway will soon swoop in backwards asswards to replace the seemingly irreplaceable Mooch-Pooch! One Trump lapdog can easily replace another! And the Con-Way Twit will undoubtedly observe Moocholini's prime directive: "Always provide comedians with the best possible material. Make their jobs as easy sleazy as possible!"―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Please click here for all Anthony Scaramucci Nicknames

NEWS CRASH: The Mandarin Candidate briefly interrupted his 17-day Bedminster golf vacation to fan the flames of the Apocalypse into a raging inferno: "North Korea best not make any more threats to the United States! They will be met with fire, fury and frankly power the likes of which this world has never seen before!" So forget the horrors of WWII, the Holocaust and Hiroshima. That was child's play compared to the power Terminator Trump will unleash on the world, if North Korea emulates the U.S. by issuing threats! But there is one thing the Fourth Dorkman of the Apocalypse wants to make perfectly clear to everyone: he absolutely will not let destroying the world interfere with his golf game!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS REHASH: We can now confirm that Trump is an extremely rare example of the Orange-Tufted Ostrich, the only creature known to spout death-inviting nonsense then bury its head up its own ass to avoid reality. In January, Twitler twittered "It won't happen!" in regard to North Korea developing nukes that can reach the United States. Tweetle-Dumb's head has been firmly up his ass ever since. A few months later, Harry Kazianis, director of defense studies at the Center for the National Interest, announced: "Today is the day that we can definitely say North Korea is a nuclear power. There is no more time to stick our heads in the sand and think we have months or years to confront this challenge." But at last report, Uncle Ream US was still refusing to budge. King Leer's voice was faintly heard, however, muttering something about fire, fury and horrors worse than Hiroshima and Nagasaki.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS HALF-FULL GLASS: There has been a reprieve, of sorts. While mADD Max is still dedicated to the proposition of destroying the world, he has been so busy playing golf and preening for cameras that he hasn't had time to do the finger-strengthening exercises necessary for his underdeveloped digits to key in the nuclear codes! So we may have a few more hours, or perhaps even days, before the nukes start flying. But please don't get your hopes up. Trump has the biggest and best golf courses, the biggest and best nukes, and he will certainly deliver the  biggest and best possible Apocalypse! The Firestarter even informed Gaum's governor that tourism will increase "tenfold" after he's done his thing, perhaps thinking of tourists gawking at the Bikini Atoll. Lots of money to be made, true!, but sixty years later nothing can live there.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS SPLASH: Call him the Cuck of the Walk. A giant inflatable chicken with a golden 'do was placed outside the White House "to criticize the president as a weak and ineffective leader," according to Taran Singh Brar, the director of the documentary film Chicken Don. "He's too afraid to release his tax returns, too afraid to stand up to Vladimir Putin, and now he's playing chicken with North Korea!" Alas, Trump was not able to see his uncanny likeness in person, being in the middle of yet another extended golf vacation. The Caddy Hack did, however, take a quick break between mulligans to berate the Senate for not working! As for nicknames, we tend to favor Chicken Little, since Trump is constantly wailing that the sky is falling.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS SLASH: The Wrath of Con adamantly refuses to rule out the "military option" on North Korea, Venezuela, Liechtenstein, Bouvet, Nauru, Timbuktu, Mitch McConnell, Rosie O'Donnell, Megyn Kelly and Arianna Huffington.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS KKK SASH: While the rest of the nation, including a number of high-ranking Republicans, called for the White Supremacist House to denounce terrorist attacks by neo-Nazis in Charlottesville, Gingervitis was having none of that. These terrorists were Trump's homies, his fans, his voters for chrissakes! So according to The White Pride Piper "many sides" were at fault, just as in the past, when slaves resisted whippings and victims of kangaroo courts resisted lynchings. So sad that slaves resisted being flogged! So sad that they opposed having their children sold down the river! Because they objected, they were equally to blame! So sad that "niggers" being hung from trees kicked their feet and could have potentially bruised their attackers! How very unfair to the white supremacists stringing them up! Because they did not go gently, they were equally to blame! And how very sad and unfair that Trump's father was once arrested at a KKK rally for assaulting a police officer! How equally unequally sad and unfair that Woody Guthrie wrote angry songs about "old man Trump" and his discrimination against black tenants! Yes, The Great White Dope and his homies have been terribly discriminated against! Now they will make AmeriKKKa grate again, and many people with darker skin will migrate again. The proper order (white men on top) must be restored, and Trump is their movement's Poster Man-Boy and Golden I-Con! Of course "Heil Hitlers!" were in order after Trump's stirring defense of Nazism, and the alt-right supplied them. Richard Spencer cheered Trump: "Hail Trump! Hail our people! Hail victory!" People in his audience snapped snazzy Nazi salutes. David Duke expressed profuse thanks to his beloved Hair Furor. Later when reporters questioned Trump―could he really be saying it was wrong to stand up to Nazis?―The AmeriKlan Idol informed them in no uncertain terms that Trump has the bigliest and best eyes. Trump sees things more clearly than anyone else. Trump sees all and knows all. His fake news "trumps" all other news, as his name suggests. After Trump repeatedly insisted that "both sides" were equally responsible for the violence at Charlottesville, CNN senior political analyst David Axelrod compared him to an out-of-control Runaway Truck: "There are no brakes, there is no reverse." John McCain and Mitt Romney pointed out the obvious: that it is not evil to oppose evil. Romney tweeted: "No, not the same. One side is racist, bigoted, Nazi. The other opposes racism and bigotry. Morally different universes." But then Trump probably considers women who resist his gropings to be "equally guilty," if not moreso!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS M*A*S*H*: Wild Bill Hiccup is the leader of the Hole-in-the-Head Gang, the tongue-tangled Gang that Couldn't Talk Straight. Professional criminals know better than to make up weak, nonsensical excuses for things they claim not to have done. But it's Rank Amateur Hour at the White House and our Celebrity Apprentice President is the new King of Unintentional Comedy. Trump can't keep his story straight for consecutive executive tweets. The White House is now on critical care.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS CRASH: Is Trump tired of "winning" yet, or did we mishear him? Perhaps the Trumpster meant that we would never hear the end of his whining. Is there any actual winning in sight? North Korea is launching ICBMs at an accelerated rate. The much-touted apartheid barrier has shrunk to a 28-mile "strip wall" and Congress will apparently refuse to fund even that token edifice. The Tin Pot Despot ordered Mexican president Peña Nieto to stop publicly refusing to pay for the wall, but once again failed to "win." After all his tough talk about protecting Syrian children and their mothers, Chicken Whittle meekly handed over their fates to Assad and Putin. Putin then spanked Trump in public by shuttering a dacha for American diplomats, after Trump had provided lavish retreats for Russian diplomats. Captain Shamerica reneged on his solemn campaign vows to pull out of NAFTA, to declare China a currency manipulator, and to institute "a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States." Last and completely least, TrumpedUpCare was exposed for the disaster that it so evidently was. When the last cards had been dealt face-up to Cassino Mussolini, the GOP had cashed out on The Great White Emancipator's grand designs to "free" the rich by killing off the poor and middle-income classes. King Trump the Grate then blasted his own party when he bitterly complained that Re-flub-Lycans "could not even negotiate a health care bill after seven years of talking." Now neo-Nazis are chanting "Heil Trump!" while the rest of the nation watches aghast in disbelief. If this is "winning," then clearly I am Trump's monkey uncle!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Ever wonder why Trump seems to be living on his Bedminster golf course these days? Turns out it's not because he loves golf, but because he considers the White House to be a "real dump." The White House was good enough for every president since John Adams, but not for King Trump the Toilet-Plater! At least now we know why Melania Antoinette never moved into the White House. Living in ritzy Trump Tower, she is apparently far above Dolley Madison, Jackie Kennedy, Nancy Reagan, Michelle Obama and all the other first ladies who made the White House the primary home for their husbands and families. When I told my wife what Trump said, she was shocked, then angry, observing that Trump is "trailer trash who won the lottery."

After Trump repeatedly insisted that "both sides" were equally responsible for the violence at Charlottesville, CNN senior political analyst David Axelrod compared him to an out-of-control, runaway truck: "There are no brakes, there is no reverse." John McCain and Mitt Romney pointed out the obvious: that it is not evil to oppose evil. Romney tweeted: "No, not the same. One side is racist, bigoted, Nazi. The other opposes racism and bigotry. Morally different universes." But then Trump probably considers women who resist his gropings to be "equally guilty," if not moreso!

As everyone knows (because he keeps reminding us), Trump only hires the very best people: for example, Mike "Dr. Strangelove" Flynn, Sean "Scary" Spicer, Reince "and Flush" Priebus and, of course, the Mooch. But really folks: is it Trump's fault that the very best people turn into human lemons as soon as they start working under him?
It sounds like Bob Corker has a corkscrew loose. Rather than advising John Kelly “to fire every single person” responsible for leaked information, he ought to advise General Kelly to start handing out medals for patriotism. When a president is constantly saying and doing the wrong things, there should be lots of whistle-blowing. And we can call the courageous whistleblowers “Kelly’s Heroes”!―Michael R. Burch

Personally, I'm still waiting for the winning, but the whining is getting old!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" 

Donald Trump is absolutely correct when he insists that there has been no "chaos" in the White House. The correct term is pandemonium, as in a chorus of demons.

On his first day as White House Chief of Staff, John F. Kelly, a former Marine four-star general, told aides that he intends to impose a new sense of order and operational discipline that had been lacking heretofore. Toward that end, Kelly's first official act was to hand Trump a dunce cap, sit him in the time-out corner, and make him repeat "I will not tweet!" ten thousand times.

Trump is proof positive that fact really is stranger than fiction. A lot stranger. YUGELY and BIGLY stranger.―Michael R. Burch

Are you tired of "winning" yet? North Korea just launched another ICBM. Trump meekly handed over Syria's fate to Assad and Putin. Mexico refuses to pay for the wall, which could easily be defeated with ladders and spades (not to mention boats, helicopters and planes). And tellingly, after seven years of damning Obamacare as the work of the Devil, it turns out that Trump and the GOP are clueless about coming up with anything remotely as good, much less better. However, despite all his failed promises, Trump did produce one major miracle, however unintentional: He managed to make Obamacare vastly more popular!

Trump fired James Comey for being too hard on Hillary Clinton. Now he wants to fire Jeff Sessions for not being hard enough on her! It's like someone gave Viagra to Pinocchio and it went straight to his nose!
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I have complete power to pardon myself for treason!―Donald Trump

Let me be perfectly clear: I did not collude with Russia. Like Sgt. Schultz, I know nutthink!―Jared Kushner

"I am eager to share any disinformation I have with investigating bodies!―Jared "Eager Beaver" Kushner (BTW, investigating bodies is his father-in-law's favorite pastime!)

Trump's plan to "crack down" on Wall Street is to move Wall Street into the White House.―Trevor Noah, after Trump hired yet another Goldman Sachs hedge fund manager

Yes, if you can't drain the swamp, why not bring the crocodiles into your living room and let them work on their death rolls? How entertaining!

Widdle Donnie Whinydiaper: the First Man-Baby President

President Donald Trump signed bills in the  Roosevelt Room of the White House on Monday.

Tiny Hands Trump uses the world's smallest pen and desk to sign his latest dictatorial proclamations. The women pictured are nannies trying to persuade Bratman to take a nap and stop bullying the world, but Man-Baby Trump will have none of that! The antsy Combover Kid believes in ACTION, but hopefully his fingers are still too tiny, weak and delicate to key in the nuclear codes ...

Trump's nannies applaud as the Boychurian Candidate learns to operate a pen with his teeny-tiny fingers. Widdle Donnie Whinydiaper is certainly proud of his "big boy" accomplishment. But so far no one has been able to potty-train his mouth (or his Twitter account)!

There's a new reality show about the Trump presidency: The Boss Baby. Now showing at a theater near you!

Trump tweeted that Obama put a "tapp" on his phones. I think the Testy Toddler needs a ppat on the back and a good burpp, then a nice long napp.―Michael R. Burch

The Constitution does not allow 13-year-olds to become president and now we can see why. — Garrison Keillor

Trump supporters voted for change, and boy, are they going to get it! — Garrison Keillor, who calls Trump the "boy president"

When asked about the firing of James Comey, the Terrible Tyke paused, sucked his pacifier, adjusted his nappy, then blabbered: "Easy comey, easy goey!"―Michael R. Burch

Have no fear, Acting President Jared Kushner is here! Headmaster Kushner makes all major decisions while Truant Trump tweets, pouts, preens and cheats at putt-putt golf.

Trump is coming out with a sequel to The Art of the Deal. His new book is The Art of the Squeal. Turns out he's not a master dealmaker, after all, just a whiny brat.

Only in America could a man whose staff took away his Twitter account be given the nuclear codes.―Graydon Carter

It seems that everything the Trumps sell is made abroad. Apparently funding Chinese and Mexican sweatshops is the way to "make America great again."

The Donald has two hard-and-fast rules that govern everything he does: He never accepts anyone else's mistakes and he never admits his own.―Michael R. Burch

Confucius say: Man who lives behind glass wall should stop exposing his enormous ass!

Condoofus say: In addition to big, beautiful glass ceilings for women, we need big, beautiful glass walls for Hispanics!―Michael R. Burch
Condoofus say: We need more big, beautiful bombs! Healthcare for babies and grannies? Not so much!―Michael R. Burch
Condoofus say: I have the biggest, most beautiful launch codes! My women have the the biggest, most beautiful breasts! Everything else is FAKE NEWS!―Michael R. Burch

Tsarzan say: Obamacare bad! Very bad! Tsarzan kill Obamacare, maybe kill Jane and Boy. But that okay because Obamacare bad!―Michael R. Burch

According to an ABC News/Washington Post poll, 24% of Americans think that Trump's tweets are "fitting and proper." Evidently 24% of Americans have no clue what the words "fitting" and "proper" mean.―Michael R. Burch

Q: How many Trump cabinet members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them ... and he's still in the dark!

Q: How can you get Trump to change a light bulb?
A: You don't. He just lies that he changed it, while all the Republicans sit in the dark and agree.

Q: What's the biggest difference between Trump's presidential campaign and his Miss America contests?
A: In Miss America contests, we get to pick from 50 candidates who all want world peace!

Q: What's the difference between the Trumps and professional criminals?
A: Professional criminals don't make up ridiculous excuses for things they deny having done.

Q: What does Trump say when he looks in the mirror?
A: Pardon me!

TrumpCare or TrumpedUpCare?

Irony of ironies, we may be saved from TrumpCare because four Republican senators―Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Ron Johnson and Mike Lee―don't think it will kill enough Americans, and thus may refuse to vote for it!

So what's next? Not building the wall?―@DesiJed

Our thoughts
and prayers are with Paul Ryan, whose youthful dream of robbing poor people of their health coverage was dashed today.―@resnikoff

It's not just Lyin' Ryan whose most cherished dreams may be dashed. Trump seemed ecstatic at the thought of killing off less-fortunate Americans, calling TrumpedUpCare
"a big, fat, beautiful negotiation" during the first meeting of his Cabinet at the White House.

But not so quick! Re-flub-Lycans are not going to give up on their dream of killing poor and middle-class Americans so easily. Republican Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell told his cronies seated in the Senate chamber: "We cannot let this moment slip by!" Hell, John McCain got off his death-bed to vote in support of Obamacare repeal. Needless to say, he's getting the best possible medical care.

Senate Republicans may be evil, but they're not stupid. They are desperately trying to exempt themselves from their own healthcare bill! At least Marie Antoinette said, "Let them eat cake." Re-flub-Lycans say, "Let us eat cake, while everyone else starves!"

The art of the AHCA deal: (1) Bargain in bad faith. (2) Fail. (3) Give up. (4) Blame someone else, preferably Democrats even though they were excluded from the negotiations. (5) Go play golf and cheat to "win."

Trump is clearly delusional. He tweeted: "
I cannot imagine that Congress would dare to leave Washington without a beautiful new HealthCare bill fully approved and ready to go!" Can anyone with an ounce of sense imagine Republicans agreeing on a "beautiful" healthcare plan that covers everyone, as Trump promised while campaigning for president? He seems to actually believe that the pie in the sky he's been selling has nutritional value!

TrumpCareless is the most hated legislation in thirty years, but Trump and McConnell can't wait to get it passed, so they're holding senators hostage, knowing that if they go home their constituents will persuade them NOT to kill multitudes of less fortunate Americans. #FreeOurSenators

The orange Incredible Bulk warns that he will be "very angry" if TrumedUpCare is not passed quickly. He simply cannot wait to rip healthcare away from the most vulnerable Americans: babies, their mothers, the elderly, veterans of health- and mind-destroying wars. #SaveOurCitizens

It's no joke! TrumpCare really will save billions ... by making babies and grannies die sooner rather than later! Are we tired of "winning" yet?

TrumpCare is clearly a rush to fudgement!
―Michael R. Burch

TrumpCare hashtags: #TrumpedUpCare #TrumpWealthCare #TrumpHellCare #DumpCare #DrumpfCare #DumbkopfCare #ChumpCare #LyinRyanDyinCare

Kremlingate aka Russiagate, Trumpgate and Comeygate

G.O.P. now stands for "Government of Putin" and it is clearly of Putin, by Putin and for Putin.―Michael R. Burch

"Give 'Em Hell" Harry S. Truman said, "The buck stops here." One the other hand, "Myself Am Hell" Donald Drumpf said, "The ruble starts here!" (The phrase "Myself am hell" is the signature and self-diagnostic line of Lucifer in John Milton's epic poem Paradise Lost.)

"Russians make up a pretty disproportionate cross-section of a lot of our assets," Donald Trump Jr. told a real estate conference in 2008, "We see a lot of money pouring in from Russia." In 2014, when golf writer James Dodson asked Eric Trump how his father could finance golf courses when American banks were declining to lend money against such assets, he answered: "We don’t rely on American banks. We have all the funding we need out of Russia." So when Trump Sr. claims to have "no dealings" with Russia, he is obviously lying. And Trump Jr. made the purpose of his treasonous Trump Tower meeting with Russian agents crystal-clear when he informed Jared Kushner and Paul Manafort about the covert operation in an email with the subject heading: "Russia – Clinton – private and confidential." Folks, it doesn't take Sherlock Holmes or IBM's Watson to figure this one out!

There will be no single smoking gun that will bring down this White House. It will be death by firing squad—or perhaps a sequence of firing squads—as the whole story inexorably pours out of the administration’s smoldering ruins.―Frank Rich

In this sad but predictable tale, the GOP is the Titanic, while the Trump-Kushner gang is the iceberg that everyone can see but cannot possibly avoid. The difference is that Republicans will apparently give no thought to saving American women and children first, and will act merely for self-preservations, like rats abandoning a sinking vessel.

First, the good news: We have discovered the source of White House leaks! Now, the bad news: The treasonous leaker is the Big Leaker, President Trump himself, pissing on the truth.

The terse order to fire Comey came straight from Mr. Putin―"Nyet Comey!"―and was carried out by Acting President Jared "Jarhead" Kushner and Acting First Lady-Daughter Ivanka Trump-Kushner.

Comrade Trumputin was informed of Comey's termination while he was cheating at putt-putt golf and stealing milk money from kindergartners. The Donald grinned almost as widely as when he celebrated robbing millions of less-fortunate Americans of their healthcare. "Все в день работы!" the Brooklyn Bolshevik exclaimed ("All in a day's work!"). He then referred all questions to Sean "Scary" Spicer and Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway. Later, Trumputin was said to be "very disappointed" when he learned that "termination" meant "fired" rather than "executed." But he must be excused, because he is still struggling with his non-native language, English. He is much more fluent in his primary languages: Russian and Bullshit.

James Comey was Trump's homey when he investigated Hillary Clinton's emails. But when he refused to be Trump's lapdog, it was time for him to be neutered.

Now everyone is breathlessly awaiting word on who Putin will choose to replace FBI Director James Comey.―Gisele Dussault

Fact really is stranger than fiction. Morgan, Lewis & Bockiusthe law firm advising Trump on handling his business conflictswas named Russia's Law Firm of the Year in 2016!

Looking into money laundering around Trump is like investigating moisture in the middle of the ocean. — Mark Sumner

Trump telling the truth under oath would be as improbable as Moses parting the Red Sea, and would also require Divine Intervention.―Michael R. Burch

Reince Priebus said that he felt "blessed" to serve the Antichrist aka the Trump of Doom.

Featured Jokes (and Painful Observations)

A perv, a megalomaniacal fascist, a Russian spy and a con artist enter a bar together. The bartender looks up and asks, "What'll it be, President Trump?"

A new poll reveals that 61% of Americans think Trump is dishonest. In related news, scientists just discovered that 39% of Americans are deaf, blind and really, really dumb. — Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump criticizing someone else's cosmetic surgery is like Jeffery Dahmer criticizing Martha Stewart for keeping luncheon meat one day past the expiration date in her refrigerator! — Michael R. Burch

Tom Brady skipped meeting Trump at the White House for "personal family matters." That is apparently top secret code for "My wife doesn't want me to endorse a racist, chauvinistic, p*ssy-groping fascist!"

President Obama called TrumpedUpCare a "massive transfer of wealth" to the rich. But of course that has long been the GOP's dream. Trump is the billionaires' Messiah, leading the self-appointed Chosen Few to the Promised Land of plenty. If they have to kill a few million babies in the process, it's "no biggie."

Bill O'Reilly's podcasts will allow him to continue to reach the pod people.

Trump's position on climate change is "How can there be global warming when it's still so cold in my soul?" — Frankie Boyle

When Trump speaks, he sounds like a WWF wrestler plugging his next big match. — Ron Howard

White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus told ABC's Jonathan Karl that the Trump administration is "looking at" the First Amendment with the goal of either amending or abolishing it, in order to protect Trump from "unfair" criticism. Never mind that Trump has viciously attacked other people, often blatantly lying in the process. What's good for gander is obviously not good for the cooked goose, in Trump's kitchen where he dishes out the heat but can't take it. Now the days of free speech and dissent are apparently numbered, so please send us your best Trump jokes while you still can!

Former Twitter CEO Frank Costolo compared meeting with Trump to being waterboarded.

"All this information was cunningly concealed by being put in books!" David Frum tweeted in response to Trump's complaint that being president is much harder than he expected

Trump has the attention span of a gnat on meth.―GOP strategist Rick Wilson

Trump has the intellectual depth of a coat of paint.―Charles M. Blow

Trump coinages: Trumpese (n.) A new and very peculiar language in which honesty and accuracy are strictly verboten.

It is FAKE NEWS that Trump is an anti-Semite! Trump is obviously an equal opportunity hater. He despises everyone who isn't Donald J. Trump!

Mr. President, since all my success is clearly based on talking about you, if you really want to take me down, there’s an obvious way: Resign!―Stephen Colbert

A president going after someone telling jokes is unprecedented. That would be like Richard Nixon going after Alfred E. Neuman.―Stephen Colbert

Seventy-year-old men don't get less cranky or racist as time goes by ... Unless they happen to be visited by three spirits in the night!―Jon Stewart

Trump is considering a "huge reboot" of the White House ... I hope he starts by kicking his own ass out the door! — Michael R. Burch

Q: Why does Al Franken laugh whenever Trump speaks?
A: Because he knows a political joke when he hears one!

Maybe Trump meeting with crazy dictators isn't such a bad thing. We finally have a president who speaks fluent maniac.―Michael Che on SNL's Weekend Update

Emma Lazarus called Lady Liberty the "Mother of Exiles." Donald Trump has turned her into the "Smotherer of Exiles." — Michael R. Burch

The French have every right to continue looking down on Americans, since they sent their Trump to the unemployment line by a YUGE margin!

Q: How does Donald Trump disprove Darwin's theory?
A: Trump quite obviously did not evolve.

Q: How does Donald Trump repudiate Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.?
A: Trump is not equal to MLK, nor to other human beings with functional hearts, minds and consciences.

Q: How does Donald Trump confirm Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
A: Everything is "relative" to Trump and his YUGE ego is warping our space and time.

Q: Why is Donald Trump certain to win a Nobel for theoretical physics?
A: Trump proved that Newton's f=ma applies to politics, where Force=Mass (massive stupidity) times Asseleration (Trump's tweets).

Related pages: The Best Donald Trump Jokes, The Best Donald Trump Jokes Part 2, The Best Donald Trump Jokes Part 3, The Best Donald Trump Jokes Part 4, The Best Donald Trump Puns, The Best Donald Trump Limericks, The Best Donald Trump Nursery Rhymes, The Best Donald Trump Insults, 2016 Republican First Presidential Debate, Is there a Republican War on Women?, The Donald Trump Bible, The Best Ted Cruz Jokes, Conservatives Who Support Gay Marriage, Donald Trump Nicknames, Trump 45 Nicknames, Ten Reasons to "Fire" Donald Trump, Donald Trump's "Muslim Friends", Where Have All the Birthers Gone?, The Best Ted Cruz Jokes, Ted Cruz Nicknames, Is Ted Cruz an Anchor Baby?, More Donald Trump Jokes, Is Donald Trump a Fascist?, Donald Trump Trivia, Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast, Is Ted Cruz the Antichrist?, Marco Rubio Nicknames, Is Donald Trump the Antichrist?, Donald Trump Violence Quotes, Trump Trivia, Donald Trump in his Own Words: Fact-Checking Trump, Donald Trump Funny Campaign Slogans and Parodies, Donald Trump Halloween Ideas, The Best and Worst Tweets Ever, Donald Trump Tweets, Donald Trump Nicknames for his Cabinet, Family, Friends, Associates and Supporters, Famous Nicknames, Jared Kushner Nicknames, Judge Roy Moore Nicknames, The Best Donald Trump Russia Jokes, Trump Christmas, Donald Trump Sexism Timeline/Chronology, Donald Trump Fears, Did Sir Walter Raleigh Prophesy Donald Trump?, Is Donald Trump a Christian?, Donald Trump Russia Quotes Donald Trump Russia Gog Magog

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