The HyperTexts

The Best Donald Trump Jokes, Puns, Tweets, Quotes and Hashtags

Q: What do you call it when a Man-Baby takes over the American government?
A: Coup d'Tot.

Here are Donald Trump jokes by comedians like Samantha Bee, Lewis Black, Louis C.K., Michael Che, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson, Will Ferrell, Jay Leno, David Letterman, Bill Maher, Seth Meyers, Trevor Noah, Conan O'Brien, John Oliver, Chris Rock, Amy Shumer, Sarah Silverman and Jon Stewart. We also have quips and quotes by celebrities like Glenn Beck, Joe Biden, Cher, Hillary Clinton, Mark Cuban, Snoop Dogg, Van Jones, Rachel Maddow, Barack Obama, Dan Rather and Howard Stern. Plus we have "top ten" lists of puns, poems, limericks, tweets, memes, quotations, insults, nicknames, hashtags, campaign slogans and promises, coinages, etc.



Cannonball! Donald "Trump of Doom" enters the American political waters ... but can he really walk on water or will he belly-flop the world into oblivion?

Related pages: Trump Puns, Trump Limericks, Trump Nicknames, Trump 666

Top Ten Donald Trump Jokes

Donald Trump is giving narcissism a bad name.―Madeline Begun Kane aka Mad Kane

There are schizophrenics with Tourette's who have more control over what comes out of their mouths than Donald Trump.―Bill Maher

Donald Trump is "the kind of person who goes to the Super Bowl and thinks the people in the huddle are talking about him."―Eric Schneiderman

Donald Trump likes to say he's a friend to "the blacks." Unless the Blacks are a family of white people, I'm guessing he's mistaken.―Seth Meyers

This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a$$hole!―Lewis Black

In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, Donald Trump said, "I believe in God." But of course The Donald was talking about HIMSELF.―Jay Leno

Maybe he should ease into this ... by running for a lower office first, like President of the Hair Club for Men.―Jimmy Kimmel

Here's the thing about Donald Trump: he never apologizes; he's never wrong no matter what crazy thing he says. He's the white Kanye.―Bill Maher

Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.―Craig Ferguson

Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he's sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that!―David Letterman

Bonus Tracks

Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I have complete power to pardon myself for treason!―Donald Trump

Trump's plan to "crack down" on Wall Street is to move Wall Street into the White House.―Trevor Noah, after Trump hired yet another Goldman Sachs hedge fund manager

Yes, if you can't drain the swamp, why not bring the crocodiles into your living room and let them work on their death rolls? How entertaining!―Michael R. Burch

Widdle Donnie Whinydiaper: the First Man-Baby President

President Donald Trump signed bills in the  Roosevelt Room of the White House on Monday.

Tiny Hands Trump uses the world's smallest pen and desk to sign his latest dictatorial proclamations. The women pictured are nannies trying to persuade Bratman to take a nap and stop bullying the world, but Man-Baby Trump will have none of that! The antsy Combover Kid believes in ACTION, but hopefully his fingers are still too tiny, weak and delicate to key in the nuclear codes ...

President Donald Trump holds up his pen after signing the Historically Black Colleges and Universities HBCU Executive Order, Tuesday, Feb. 28, 2017, in the Oval Office in the White House in Washington.

Trump's nannies applaud as the Boychurian Candidate learns to operate a pen with his teeny-tiny fingers. Widdle Donnie Whinydiaper is certainly proud of his "big boy" accomplishment. But so far no one has been able to potty-train his mouth (or his Twitter account)!

There's a new reality show about the Trump presidency: The Boss Baby. Now showing at a theater near you!

Trump tweeted that Obama put a "tapp" on his phones. I think the Testy Toddler needs a ppat on the back and a good burpp, then a nice long napp.―Michael R. Burch

The Constitution does not allow 13-year-olds to become president and now we can see why. — Garrison Keillor

Trump supporters voted for change, and boy, are they going to get it! — Garrison Keillor, who calls Trump the "boy president"

When asked about the firing of James Comey, the Terrible Tyke paused, sucked his pacifier, adjusted his nappy, then blabbered: "Easy comey, easy goey!"―Michael R. Burch

Have no fear, Acting President Jared Kushner is here! Headmaster Kushner makes all major decisions while Truant Trump tweets, pouts, preens and cheats at putt-putt golf.

Trump is coming out with a sequel to The Art of the Deal. His new book is The Art of the Squeal. Turns out he's not a master dealmaker, after all, just a whiny brat.

Only in America could a man whose staff took away his Twitter account be given the nuclear codes.―Graydon Carter

It seems that everything the Trumps sell is made abroad. Apparently funding Chinese and Mexican sweatshops is the way to "make America great again."

The Donald has two hard-and-fast rules that govern everything he does: He never accepts anyone else's mistakes and he never admits his own.―Michael R. Burch

Confucius say: Man who lives behind glass wall should stop exposing his enormous ass!

Condoofus say: In addition to big, beautiful glass ceilings for women, we need big, beautiful glass walls for Hispanics!―Michael R. Burch
Condoofus say: We need more big, beautiful bombs! Healthcare for babies and grannies? Not so much!―Michael R. Burch
Condoofus say: I have the biggest, most beautiful launch codes! My women have the the biggest, most beautiful breasts! Everything else is FAKE NEWS!―Michael R. Burch

Tsarzan say: Obamacare bad! Very bad! Tsarzan kill Obamacare, maybe kill Jane and Boy. But that okay because Obamacare bad!―Michael R. Burch

According to an ABC News/Washington Post poll, 24% of Americans think that Trump's tweets are "fitting and proper." Evidently 24% of Americans have no clue what the words "fitting" and "proper" mean.―Michael R. Burch

Q: How many Trump cabinet members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them ... and he's still in the dark!

Q: How can you get Trump to change a light bulb?
A: You don't. He just lies that he changed it, while all the Republicans sit in the dark and agree.

Q: What's the biggest difference between Trump's presidential campaign and his Miss America contests?
A: In Miss America contests, we get to pick from 50 candidates who all want world peace!

Q: What's the difference between the Trumps and professional criminals?
A: Professional criminals don't make up ridiculous excuses for things they deny having done.

Q: What does Trump say when he looks in the mirror?
A: Pardon me!

TrumpCare or TrumpedUpCare?

Irony of ironies, we may be saved from TrumpCare because four Republican senators―Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Ron Johnson and Mike Lee―don't think it will kill enough Americans, and thus may refuse to vote for it!

So what's next? Not building the wall?―@DesiJed

Our thoughts
and prayers are with Paul Ryan, whose youthful dream of robbing poor people of their health coverage was dashed today.―@resnikoff

It's not just Lyin' Ryan whose most cherished dreams may be dashed. Trump seemed ecstatic at the thought of killing off less-fortunate Americans, calling TrumpedUpCare
"a big, fat, beautiful negotiation" during the first meeting of his Cabinet at the White House.

Senate Republicans are evil but not stupid. They are desperately trying to exempt themselves from their own healthcare bill!

The art of the AHCA deal: (1) Bargain in bad faith. (2) Fail. (3) Give up. (4) Blame someone else, preferably Democrats even though they were excluded from the negotiations. (5) Go play golf and cheat to "win."

Trump is clearly delusional. He tweeted: "
I cannot imagine that Congress would dare to leave Washington without a beautiful new HealthCare bill fully approved and ready to go!" Can anyone with an ounce of sense imagine Republicans agreeing on a "beautiful" healthcare plan that covers everyone, as Trump promised while campaigning for president? He seems to actually believe that the pie in the sky he's been selling has nutritional value!

TrumpCareless is the most hated legislation in thirty years, but Trump and McConnell can't wait to get it passed, so they're holding senators hostage, knowing that if they go home their constituents will persuade them NOT to kill multitudes of less fortunate Americans. #FreeOurSenators

The orange Incredible Bulk warns that he will be "very angry" if TrumedUpCare is not passed quickly. He simply cannot wait to rip healthcare away from the most vulnerable Americans: babies, their mothers, the elderly, veterans of health- and mind-destroying wars. #SaveOurCitizens

It's no joke! TrumpCare really will save billions ... by making babies and grannies die sooner rather than later! Are we tired of "winning" yet?

TrumpCare is clearly a rush to fudgement!
―Michael R. Burch

TrumpCare hashtags: #TrumpedUpCare #TrumpWealthCare #TrumpHellCare #DumpCare #DrumpfCare #DumbkopfCare #ChumpCare #LyinRyanDyinCare

Kremlingate aka Russiagate, Trumpgate and Comeygate

G.O.P. now stands for "Government of Putin" and it is clearly of Putin, by Putin and for Putin.―Michael R. Burch

"Give 'Em Hell" Harry S. Truman said, "The buck stops here." One the other hand, "Myself Am Hell" Donald Drumpf said, "The ruble starts here!" (The phrase "Myself am hell" is the signature and self-diagnostic line of Lucifer in John Milton's epic poem Paradise Lost.)

"Russians make up a pretty disproportionate cross-section of a lot of our assets," Donald Trump Jr. told a real estate conference in 2008, "We see a lot of money pouring in from Russia." In 2014, when golf writer James Dodson asked Eric Trump how his father could finance golf courses when American banks were declining to lend money against such assets, he answered: "We don’t rely on American banks. We have all the funding we need out of Russia." So when Trump Sr. claims to have "no dealings" with Russia, he is obviously lying. And Trump Jr. made the purpose of his treasonous Trump Tower meeting with Russian agents crystal-clear when he informed Jared Kushner and Paul Manafort about the covert operation in an email with the subject heading: "Russia – Clinton – private and confidential." Folks, it doesn't take Sherlock Holmes or IBM's Watson to figure this one out!

There will be no single smoking gun that will bring down this White House. It will be death by firing squad—or perhaps a sequence of firing squads—as the whole story inexorably pours out of the administration’s smoldering ruins.―Frank Rich

In this sad but predictable tale, the GOP is the Titanic, while the Trump-Kushner gang is the iceberg that everyone can see but cannot possibly avoid. The difference is that Republicans will apparently give no thought to saving American women and children first, and will act merely for self-preservations, like rats abandoning a sinking vessel.

First, the good news: We have discovered the source of White House leaks! Now, the bad news: The treasonous leaker is the Big Leaker, President Trump himself, pissing on the truth.

The terse order to fire Comey came straight from Mr. Putin―"Nyet Comey!"―and was carried out by Acting President Jared "Jarhead" Kushner and Acting First Lady-Daughter Ivanka Trump-Kushner.

Comrade Trumputin was informed of Comey's termination while he was cheating at putt-putt golf and stealing milk money from kindergartners. The Donald grinned almost as widely as when he celebrated robbing millions of less-fortunate Americans of their healthcare. "Все в день работы!" the Brooklyn Bolshevik exclaimed ("All in a day's work!"). He then referred all questions to Sean "Scary" Spicer and Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway. Later, Trumputin was said to be "very disappointed" when he learned that "termination" meant "fired" rather than "executed." But he must be excused, because he is still struggling with his non-native language, English. He is much more fluent in his primary languages: Russian and Bullshit.

James Comey was Trump's homey when he investigated Hillary Clinton's emails. But when he refused to be Trump's lapdog, it was time for him to be neutered.

Now everyone is breathlessly awaiting word on who Putin will choose to replace FBI Director James Comey.―Gisele Dussault

Fact really is stranger than fiction. Morgan, Lewis & Bockiusthe law firm advising Trump on handling his business conflictswas named Russia's Law Firm of the Year in 2016!

Looking into money laundering around Trump is like investigating moisture in the middle of the ocean. — Mark Sumner

Trump telling the truth under oath would be as improbable as Moses parting the Red Sea, and would also require Divine Intervention.―Michael R. Burch

Reince Priebus said that he felt "blessed" to serve the Antichrist aka the Trump of Doom.

Featured Jokes (and Painful Observations)

A perv, a megalomaniacal fascist, a Russian spy and a con artist enter a bar together. The bartender looks up and asks, "What'll it be, President Trump?"

A new poll reveals that 61% of Americans think Trump is dishonest. In related news, scientists just discovered that 39% of Americans are deaf, blind and really, really dumb. — Michael R. Burch

You know what I love? A famous guy that will take me furniture shopping and just straight up grab my p***y. — Amy Schumer

Trump is so divorced from the Truth, he should pay it alimony.―Elizabeth Harris Burch aka Ladydragyn

Donald Trump criticizing someone else's cosmetic surgery is like Jeffery Dahmer criticizing Martha Stewart for keeping luncheon meat one day past the expiration date in her refrigerator! — Michael R. Burch

Tom Brady skipped meeting Trump at the White House for "personal family matters." That is apparently top secret code for "My wife doesn't want me to endorse a racist, chauvinistic, p*ssy-groping fascist!"

Donald Trump: a man with all the charm of a turd that won't flush.―Russell Howard

Say what you will about Trump, he is not stupid. He is a smart man with a deep understanding of what stupid people want.―Andy Borowitz

I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected.—Jon Stewart

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.—Albert Einstein, explaining why he couldn't hold a candle to Trump in the "idea" department

President Obama called TrumpedUpCare a "massive transfer of wealth" to the rich. But of course that has long been the GOP's dream. Trump is the billionaires' Messiah, leading the self-appointed Chosen Few to the Promised Land of plenty. If they have to kill a few million babies in the process, it's "no biggie."

Trump has a better relationship with Tiffany than he does to facts.—Trevor Noah

Obviously, Trump didn't invent racism. If he had, it would have gone bankrupt years ago.—Samantha Bee

Bill O'Reilly's podcasts will allow him to continue to reach the pod people.

Trump's position on climate change is "How can there be global warming when it's still so cold in my soul?" — Frankie Boyle

When Trump speaks, he sounds like a WWF wrestler plugging his next big match. — Ron Howard

White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus told ABC's Jonathan Karl that the Trump administration is "looking at" the First Amendment with the goal of either amending or abolishing it, in order to protect Trump from "unfair" criticism. Never mind that Trump has viciously attacked other people, often blatantly lying in the process. What's good for gander is obviously not good for the cooked goose, in Trump's kitchen where he dishes out the heat but can't take it. Now the days of free speech and dissent are apparently numbered, so please send us your best Trump jokes while you still can!

Former Twitter CEO Frank Costolo compared meeting with Trump to being waterboarded.

"All this information was cunningly concealed by being put in books!" David Frum tweeted in response to Trump's complaint that being president is much harder than he expected

Trump has the attention span of a gnat on meth.―GOP strategist Rick Wilson

Trump has the intellectual depth of a coat of paint.―Charles M. Blow

Trump coinages: Trumpese (n.) A new and very peculiar language in which honesty and accuracy are strictly verboten.

It is FAKE NEWS that Trump is an anti-Semite! Trump is obviously an equal opportunity hater. He despises everyone who isn't Donald J. Trump!

Mr. President, since all my success is clearly based on talking about you, if you really want to take me down, there’s an obvious way: Resign!―Stephen Colbert

A president going after someone telling jokes is unprecedented. That would be like Richard Nixon going after Alfred E. Neuman.―Stephen Colbert

Seventy-year-old men don't get less cranky or racist as time goes by ... Unless they happen to be visited by three spirits in the night!―Jon Stewart

Trump is considering a "huge reboot" of the White House ... I hope he starts by kicking his own ass out the door! — Michael R. Burch

Q: Why does Al Franken laugh whenever Trump speaks?
A: Because he knows a political joke when he hears one!

Maybe Trump meeting with crazy dictators isn't such a bad thing. We finally have a president who speaks fluent maniac.―Michael Che on SNL's Weekend Update

Emma Lazarus called Lady Liberty the "Mother of Exiles." Donald Trump has turned her into the "Smotherer of Exiles." — Michael R. Burch

The French have every right to continue looking down on Americans, since they sent their Trump to the unemployment line by a YUGE margin!

Q: How does Donald Trump disprove Darwin's theory?
A: Trump quite obviously did not evolve.

Q: How does Donald Trump repudiate Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.?
A: Trump is not equal to MLK, nor to other human beings with functional hearts, minds and consciences.

Q: How does Donald Trump confirm Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
A: Everything is "relative" to Trump and his YUGE ego is warping our space and time.

Q: Why is Donald Trump certain to win a Nobel for theoretical physics?
A: Trump proved that Newton's f=ma applies to politics, where Force=Mass (massive stupidity) times Asseleration (Trump's tweets).

Trump is so busy vacationing, playing golf, tweeting, posing for photo ops and campaigning for reelection that he has precious little time to govern. And that is YUGE silver lining for the United States!

Senator Bob Corker told TIME magazine: "I do wish somebody would take his iPhone away from him!" Yes, and his Twitter account too. Only in the United States do we entrust the nuclear codes to someone we wouldn't let babysit our pets, much less our teenage daughters.

This week Donald Trump started building his wall ... a wall between millions of Americans and their health care ... Many congressmen admitted they didn't even read the bill before voting on it. They're treating healthcare the way I treat an iTunes agreement! I'm sure it's fine, then suddenly I'm dealing with pre-existing conditions ... The bill was strongly opposed by the American Medical Association, the American Hospital Association, and the National Physicians Alliance. Though it did receive a rare thumbs-up from the Grim Reaper.―Colin Jost on SNL's Weekend Update

Truant Trump and Lyin' Ryan rushed the American Death Care Act (aka #TrumpedUpCare) through the House without waiting for the CBO to crunch the numbers. But what the hell―when you're ready, willing and eager to write off millions of Americans as lost causes, do the actual numbers really matter? Never mind that those "lost causes" include our aging parents, our grandparents, and eventually our children. Nothing matters to Trump except being a "winner." Now he's "won" and millions of "losers" will have to fend for themselves, at the mercy of heartless insurance companies who also intend to "win" at their expense.

Republican bigwigs are celebrating the denial of healthcare to millions of Americans. "Your premiums are going to come down," Trump rejoiced, dancing a happy jig, "because now we can kill you off if you're not rich!" Paul Ryan was described as "giddy." Mike Pence was positively "ecstatic." Many Trump supporters still don't seem to understand that they are the ones who will suffer under #TrumpedUpCare aka #Lyin'Ryan'Dyin'Care. Who will be hit the hardest? Older people on limited incomes. Who voted Trump into the nation's highest office? Ditto. Now the yoke's on them, as Groucho Marx would say, but unfortunately the same yoke is on us.

Republican Raul Labrador drew intense jeers at an Idaho town hall when he defended the GOP’s ObamaCare repeal plan by claiming that "Nobody dies because they don't have access to healthcare!" Trump's Labrador Retriever had previously opined that healthcare is not a basic human right. In other words, rich people are entitled to healthcare but the rest of us only have the "right" to suffer and die. It's hard to say whether the Labrador Guppy and his owner are evil or just plain stupid, but in either case the end result will be the same.

Warren Buffet told stockholders of Berkshire Hathaway that Trump would give the company a $9 billion tax break. So we can't afford decent healthcare for millions of less-fortunate Americans, but we can afford to help the super-rich, like Warren Buffet, get even richer! But there's no surprise here, because this is the real Republican game plan, and has been for decades. "Trickle down" economics is a golden shower, with the rich pissing their effluent waste on ordinary citizens.

The lesson Bill O'Reilly learned, albeit too late, is that a serial sex abuser must know when to quit TV and run for president.―Stanley Cohen

Donald Trump Jr. spent Earth Day shooting prairie dogs in Montana. Him heap big game hunter!

James Comey said it made him feel "mildly nauseous" to think he influenced the presidential election. Comey will feel "really nauseous" when Trump starts WWIII.

Comey said that he was compelled to announce the investigation of Hillary Clinton's emails, but somehow he was not compelled to announce the investigation of Trump's Russian ties. Now we voters feel nauseous!

Trump called national monuments established by Barack Obama an "egregious abuse of power." He then issued an executive order commanding the national monument at Mount Rushmore to add his image.

The good news is that Bannon has been banished. The bad news is that Reince Priebus is staying, so "Reince twice and spit!"―Michael R. Burch

With the demotion of Darth Bannon, the double-headed hydra Jervanka now rules, so be prepared to be "jerved off."―Michael R. Burch 

Trump was not being hypocritical about Sexual Assault Awareness Month. He was very sincere about letting everyone know that he and his friends Roger Ailes and Bill O'Reilly have the right to sexually assault women!

President Trump cavalierly said: "I don't think Bill O'Reilly did anything wrong." Of course not, since Trump bragged about groping women to Billy Bush League.

Sarah Silverman has called for a military coup to overthrow Trump. But unfortunately it seems there are no American generals that patriotic, brave or wise.

Donald Trump is on a fact-free diet.

Trump is now using Syrian children to justify his cruise missile attack on Syria. Those are the same Syrian children he not only banned from entering the United States, but said must be "taken out" by the American military as "retribution" for acts of terrorism. Is Trump incredibly confused or are those crocodile tears he's weeping?

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. told Erin Burnett that Trump is "turning America into a petrostate," noting that "It's hard to see a good end for our country from those kinds of policies." Will Trump kill your children or grandchildren by blithely ignoring the ever-mounting evidence of global warming (such as rising sea levels, which cannot be fudged)? Unfortunately, this is no joke. Today it's bees and other pollinators that are endangered. Tomorrow, it may be us and our descendents.

Trump was being questioned about collusion with Russia. A reporter asked him point-blank: "Have you or any members of your inner circle ever knowingly communicated with Russian intelligence agents?" Trump's face flushed crimson with rage. It took him nearly a minute to regain enough composure to speak. Then he screamed: "Read my lips ... NYET!"―Michael R. Burch 

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-Un start a nuclear war and die at the same time. They are greeted at the gates of hell by the Devil, who explains that they can make one final call, but such calls may be VERY expensive. Since they are rich and can't take it with them, all three agree. Putin calls Russia and talks for five minutes; the charge is one million dollars. Jong-Un calls North Korea and talks for ten minutes; the cost is two million dollars. Trump calls his family and talks bigly for hours, but the cost is only five bucks. A seething Putin demands to know why Trump got off so cheap. The Devil replies: "Since he took over, the US has gone to hell, so it's a local call!"

Theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking was asked in an interview whether his knowledge of the universe allowed him to explain Trump's popularity. "I can't," Hawking replied. "He's a demagogue who seems to appeal to the lowest common denominator." Understandably, the Trumpites were baffled by Hawking's use of moderately long words. But they were inordinately pleased to be considered "common dominators" following a "demigod."―Michael R. Burch

The swamp drained Trump, according to Republican congressman Justin Amash of Michigan. Trump is being mocked by his own party. “@RealDonaldTrump It’s a swamp not a hot tub. We both came here to drain it. #SwampCare polls 17%. Sad!” tweeted Representative Thomas Massie of Kentucky, a Tea Party conservative.

According to the New York Times, it was Acting President Stephen KKK Bannon who instructed Trump to use his Twitter feed as a "rhetorical prod" to attack conservatives like Amash and Massie who didn't fall in line. Does the phrase "divided we fall" ring any bells?

Richard Nixon insisted, "I am not a crook!" But of course he was. Now Donald Trump shrilly insists, "I am not a crook/con-artist/liar/traitor/spy/fascist/racist/bully/chauvinist/molester!" Methinks the laddie protests too much.―Michael R. Burch 

"When you are given immunity, that means that you have probably committed a crime," according to General Michael Flynn. Well, guess who is now pleading for immunity? Red Flynnstone himself!

When Trump promised that he would "drain the swamp," he forgot to mention than he would immediately restock it with cold-blooded Russian krokodils

Welcome to Trumpistan. Trump is draining the swamp of tadpoles and filling it with Gila monsters.―Graydon Carter

The GOP had seven years to come up with something better than Obamacare. It was their "job one." But in the end their only functional department was the complaint department.

Paul Ryan admitted: "This is a disappointing day for us." Ryan is YUGELY disappointed that he won't be able to kill less-advantaged American citizens by denying them decent healthcare.

Sweetie you are a first season Real Housewife making stuff up to stay on the show.—Andy Cohen, in response to Trump's fake news tweets

The house is on fire, Trump is running around with a box of matches, and the GOP demands to know who called the fire department.—Garry Kasparov, Chairman of the Human Rights Foundation

In the Kremlin the top-secret plan for Putin to control Trump is code-named "Operation Taming of the Orange Shrew." — Michael R. Burch

Trump, you're no "star."
Putin made you an American Czar.
Now, if we continue down this dark path you've chosen,
pretty soon we'll all be wearing lederhosen.
―Michael R. Burch

The White House resident
is NOT my president.
―Unknown

Today Trump said he believes in torturing prisoners. Which is bad news for Melania.―Jimmy Kimmel

Trump has only two options for illegal immigrants: "Get out!" or "Marry me!"―Jimmy Kimmel

Now Donald said he wants to run for President and move on into the White House. Why not? It wouldn’t be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home.—Snoop Dogg

Trump is like the guy who'll say anything to get laid, only this time he's trying to fuck the country.―Mark Cuban

It’s safe to say everything Trump touches turns to gold. Especially the Miss Teen U.S.A. contestants he pees on.―Seth McFarlane

Donald Trump really has egg on his face now. Which pairs nicely with the hash browns on the top of his head.―James Corden

Being on reality TV is the closest Trump ever got to reality. His children look like a teen movie about Wall Street vampires directed by Uday Hussein.―Frankie Boyle 

A Donald Trump rally was delayed for nearly two hours yesterday due to fog. At one point the fog was so thick, Trump supporters couldn't even see who they were punching!―Conan O’Brien

Trump told supporters he'd like to punch protesters in the face, but he looks more like the guy who strokes a white cat while somebody else punches you in the face.―Seth Meyers

For Trump, women are either servants or sex objects, rated on a scale of 1-10.―LiberallyBlogging in DailyKos

Trump's movement is great ... for a bowel movement.―Michael R. Burch

The Donald will remain executive producer of Celebrity Apprentice. And that's only fitting, since Trump will be the first Celebrity Apprentice President.―Michael R. Burch

Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway claims microwaves can be turned into "cameras." Is that how her brain got scrambled—by an overactive microwave oven?

Rachel Maddow has Trump's tax return. He must have signed it too close to his microwave. And in the process his brain vaporized and his hands shrank to the size of daffodils.

It's important to be fair. And it is beyond obvious that Trump couldn't possibly have groped all those women because his fingers are far too tiny, dainty, weak and fragile! #ExonerateBabyFingersTrump

It is completely unfair to compare Donald Trump to Chicken Little! Chicken Little only cried that the sky was falling. Trump's crying is actually making it fall!

How's that Hillary hate thing working out for you, Bernie supporters, now that Trump's president?

C'm'on lefties! Admit that Trump has been very tough on China! He has been especially tough on Chinese kids who slave away in sweatboxes, making his menswear! He has also been incredibly tough on Hispanic and Muslim kids!

Trump "Solution" Jokes

When Obama was president, a 4.8% jobless rate was "totally fiction" and the "real" rate was around 42%. But now that Trump is president, virtually the same rate (4.7%) is suddenly solid gold and the gospel truth!

The GOP's Unaffordable No Care Act will be known unofficially as TrumpedUpCare and Lyin'RyanDyin'Care, since both Trump and Ryan will claim credit for it ... until it implodes.
TrumpedUpCare's biggest losers, ironically, will be Trump's supporters. Obama was Evil Incarnate for trying to help them. Trump is an Angel for sentencing them to slow, lingering deaths. Go figure.
#TrumpedUpCare is #WealthCare, not healthcare.
Obama did care about the less fortunate. Trump only cares about the fortunate, like Himself, and thus his plan is #NoMamaCare.
The Congressional Budget Office confirmed what we already knew: Trump and the GOP don't care whether we live or die, and #TrumpedUpCare proves it.
Trump supporters evidently believe that the only people losing healthcare will be "those people." They are about to learn that they are "those people" to Trump, Ryan and the GOP.
Lyin' Ryan told the truth for a change: he admitted to Rich Lowry that he has been dreaming of cutting Medicaid since he started drinking out of kegs. Here's a toast to all the people Lyin' Ryan will kill. Skoal.
According to Paul Ryan, covering more people is just a "beauty contest." And of course Trump is the King of beauty contests. The more attractive female patients will be ogled and groped; the rest can die and go to hell for all that Tricky Trump and Lyin' Ryan care.
Donald was once a popular name in Scotland, but no longer. Donald is going the way of the German name Adolf, and for the same reason.
Now we know why Trump wanted to become president: so he could claim "immunity" and pardon himself for multiple cases of sexual assault!
Since Trump and Ryan weren't able to kill millions quickly by taking away their healthcare, they have opted to kill billions slowly by polluting the earth till it fries us to crisps.
Trump declared the "start of a new era" in which coal mining trumps clean energy. That's like preferring ox-drawn plows to tractors and combines, only with deadlier consequences.
Trump likes to style himself not only as a dealmaker, but as "the closer." But he's closer to a loser after his primary initiatives have failed miserably.
Trump has a "Big Agenda." It's absolutely YUGE. Amerika's Reverse Robin Hood will rob the poor and give liberally to the super-rich. That, apparently, makes him a conservative!
TrumpedUpCare is the reverse of real healthcare: it offers smaller premiums to very healthy people and allows everyone else to wither and die. Will Trump and Ryan kill someone you love?
When Trump and Pence met with the far-right House Freedom Caucus, a room full of men stood and cheered a plan that would strip women and babies of maternity and prenatal care. Go, boys, go!

Senator Charles Schumer: "Ultimately, the TrumpCare bill failed because of two traits that have plagued the Trump presidency since he took office: incompetence and broken promises. In my life, I have never seen an administration as incompetent as the one occupying the White House today. They can't write policy that actually makes sense, they can't implement the policies they do manage to write, they can't get their stories straight, and today we've learned that they can't close a deal, and they can't count votes. So much for the Art of the Deal. I also have never seen a President break as many promises to working people as this President has done in just over two months. President Trump said we're going to have health insurance for everyone that's going to cost less. TrumpCare would have done exactly the opposite. This bill would have been a boon for the wealthy, providing a huge tax cut for Americans making over $250,000, while causing premiums to rise by more than $12,000 for lower income seniors. Today should be the last day the cloud of TrumpCare hangs over the American people.

Jokes of the Day, Week and Month

Sean Spicer announced that Devin Nunes's secret visit to the White House was "routine and proper." Spicer added that Donald Trump's groping of non-consenting women was also "routine and proper."
Hey, Trump, guess what? We're not tired of winning yet! Are you getting tired of losing? #TheLoyalOpposition #TheResistance #LoveTrumpsHate
Trump is right about one thing: it is time to repeal and replace ... him! #DumpTrump
Oh the irony that Donald Trump and Paul Ryan have no Plan B!―@margarita (Plan B is the morning after pill, which arch conservatives hate and hope to ban)
This is absolutely YUGE! People are now showing up by the twos and tens at Trump's post-election rallies!
Trump just received 38 new trademarks in China, including one for "escort services." Yes, he is really "hard" on China ... positively rigid!
"Escort services" sounds about right, though one source also calls it "concierge services." Either way, someone is getting screwed. — Walter Einenkel in Daily Kos
Americans keep mishearing Trump. He didn't say that he would be "hard on" Russia and China. He said that he has a "hard on" for Russia and China. — Michael R. Burch #TrumpHardonChina
It's a miracle! When Trump was running for president the employment rate was a hoax and a disaster. Now that he's president, the employment rate is suddenly real, and a very good thing! #TruthTrumped
Donald Trump will have yet another "victory celebration," this time in Nashville. In other news, Nashville's mayor announced that the city will be renamed Gnashville in Trump's honor.
Will Tweety and the Twits be shown the door soon? Will it be the door of a federal prison, for the high crime of treason?―Michael R. Burch
Harry Truman said "The buck stops here!" But when Trump tweets "The muck starts here!"
Why does Trump make all those weird faces when he talks? He is trying very hard not to burst into laughter as he watches millions of people buying his BS.
We've been told that we must eventually accept the election results, so it's time to acknowledge our new acting president: Stephen KKK Bannon.
The ban is on, thanks to Acting President Bannon.―Michael R. Burch
Impeach President Bannon!
Trump is Wilhuff Tarkin, the evil but fragile Death Star commander. Bannon is his forbidding overlord, Darth Vader. The orders are issued in the background by the real mastermind, Emperor Putin.
All Trump's tweets boil down to one simple message: "I am the ANTICHRIST! Praise, worship and obey me while I summon the Apocalypse!"
Six Russian diplomats have died since November and they apparently appeared in Trump's MI6 dossier. While Trump is puttin' on the Ritz, is the KGB Putin on the Hitz?
The KGB is rolling up its Trump operations cell.―Ammo Hauler
Mr. Putin has decided that there must be no loose ends that might endanger the reign of his puppet, Comrade Trumputin.
It is FAKE NEWS that Trump is a know-nothing! Trump does know one thing: he knows how to get know-nothings to vote for him!―Michael R. Burch
Welcome to Lyin'RyanDyin'Care! Welcome to TrumpedUpCare! This is what we get when we elect Re-flub-Lycans.
According to the latest intelligence, Donald Trump is known at the Kremlin as Secret Agent 666, codename THE BEAST.
First, Richard Nixon insisted, "I am not a crook!" Now Donald Trump keeps insisting, "I am not a Russian spy, codenamed Comrade Trumputin!" — Michael R. Burch
George Washington is the father of the United States. Donald Trump is the father of the United States Serving Russia, the new U.S.S.R.
Donald Trump is imploding like a California mudslide, and he's taking the GOP infrastructure down with him.
Scott Pruitt claims carbon dioxide is not the primary cause of global warming. And he should know, because it is clearly the hot air emanating from his empty skull that is doing most of the damage!
Trump complaining about other people's fake news is like Niagara Falls complaining about your faucet dripping.―Michael R. Burch
Trump has infallible hindsight because his head is always up his ass.―Michael R. Burch
Trump is a triumph of de-evolution! He has the attention span of a goldfish, the intelligence of a dodo, the manners of a spitting cobra, the pride of a peacock, and the desire for attention of a hyperactive lapdog.
Friends, please don't act so surprised. This is was what happens when we elect an Orange-Tufted Shit Gibbon president. Now the monkey dances to Organ Grinder Bannon's dark, evil tunes.
Joe Scarborough accused Kellyanne Conway of being a "free agent." But he left out a word: she's a "fact-free agent."―Michael R. Burch
Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway said that if journalism were a "real business, 20% of the media would be fired for making so many mistakes. That's amusing, coming from Miss Misinformation herself!
It’s still difficult to classify Trump exactly: he’s not a classic Nazi, but would burn books if his supporters knew how to read.―Frankie Boyle
If the Queen ever has to shake Trump’s hand, she will put on so many gloves she’ll look like Mickey Mouse.―Frankie Boyle
I think I've got #TrumpTourette's. I know I should "go high" but every time I mention his name, it's followed by cursing! And the only cure is impeachment.―Elizabeth Harris Burch tweet
Is Trump really Putin's Puppet and Bannon's Bitch, or is The Donald his own man-baby?―Michael R. Burch
Kellyanne "Wrongway Conway" has proved that you certainly can put lipstick on a pig, then dress it up in "alternate facts" and watch it oink and boink its way to the presidency.―Michael R. Burch
Trump put Iran "on notice." Apparently he wrote "Please stop!" on a post-it note. Iran was not impressed and fired another missile. Is this the way the world ends: with a whimper then a bang?
Trump tweeted: 'We must keep "evil" out of our country!' We all agree, so let's ban and deport Trump. IMMEDIATELY. BIGLY. YUGELY.
It's interesting that Trump put "evil" in quotation marks, because we do that when we don't consider a term to be applicable. Is Trump really "smarter" than our generals? See what I mean?
The new Republican Party slogan: "Let's party like it's 1999 (BC)!"
Voters were sick of "politics as usual." And they got what they wanted because "nothing in politics is more unusual than Trump."―David Von Drehle
Don't dismiss a Donald Trump presidency. The man knows how to look successful while sitting atop a bankrupt empire.—@badbanana
Just when we think Trump's three-ring circus can't get any more entertaining, a new Bozo tumbles out of the clown car. Rick Perry? Which department? Oops!―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump Puns, Word-Play and Chiasmus

If Donald Trump gets elected, there'll be hell toupée.―Anonymous
When Trump is elected we will all have toupée the price.―Ryan Bourassa
Teddy Roosevelt spoke softly and carried a big stick; Donald Trump speaks loudly and carries a big shtick.―Michael R. Burch
Trump has always been a bully. Now he has the world's biggest bully pulpit.―Michael R. Burch
I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping.―Stephen Colbert
Americans have been mishearing The Donald: what he actually said is that he will make America grate again, after which many of them will migrate again.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump has filed so many bankruptcies that his children have receding heir lines.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump's favorite chapter of the Bible is obviously Chapter 11.―Anonymous
Donald Trump accused Huma Abedin of sharing state secrets with her husband. I think Trump clearly lacks a sense of Huma.— Michael R. Burch 
Donald Trump just announced that if the GOP doesn't treat him fairly, he will resurrect the Whig party and run as its hair apparent.―Michael R. Burch
Bill Clinton tried to keep his affairs private. Donald Trump makes his privates an international affair.―Michael R. Burch
These are clearly the end times, and now we understand why the prophets warned us about the Trump of Doom.―Michael R. Burch



Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast? This is no joke, because the most expensive single building ever sold in the United States was purchased by the Trump family, at 666 Fifth Avenue, a street that symbolizes money (Mammon). The price was $1.8 billion, which is three more sixes. Another Trump tower at One Journal Square will be 666 feet high with a price tag of $666 million. And still that is just the tip of the 666 iceberg. The founder of the original Trump company died on 6-6-6 and her maiden name may shock you: Elizabeth Christ. You can click the hyperlink to learn more (no annoying ads or requests for money; this is a public service). Yes, it does sound like the plot of a new OMEN movie, but in this case fact really is stranger than fiction. Ironically, evangelical Christian leaders are now lining up to endorse Trump. Have the very elect been deceived, just as the Hebrew prophets predicted thousands of years ago when they warned us to listen for the Trump of Doom? The Antichrist has been prophesied to be a sort of "reverse twin" of Jesus Christ, as if Lucifer became flesh and sought to become the Savior of the world. And Trump has certainly been proclaiming himself as the only possible Savior. For instance, at a campaign rally in Kiawah Island, S.C., the egomaniacal Trump made it clear that he, not God Almighty, is the only possible defender of Christians. Discussing ISIS, Trump said, "Their primary goal is to get to the Vatican. If and when the Vatican is attacked, the pope would only wish and have prayed that Donald Trump would have been elected president." In other words, it is useless for people of faith to pray to God for protection. Christians should pray for Trump to save them. After a terrorist attack in Pakistan on Easter Sunday, Trump tweeted: "Another radical Islamic attack, this time in Pakistan, targeting Christian women & children. At least 67 dead, 400 injured. I alone can solve." No compassion, no condolences, just Trump bragging on Trump. And what arrogance! Who but the Antichrist would claim to be the only possible savior of Christians? Who but the Antichrist would claim to be a Christian while denying the need to ask God for forgiveness? Who but the Antichrist would denigrate Holy Communion by reducing it to a "little cracker" and a "little wine," when these represent the sacred body and blood of Jesus Christ to real Christian believers?

Donald Trump is now ahead of Hillary Clinton in the polls. This was reported today in The Washington Post, and 2,000 years ago in the Book of Revelation.―Conan O'Brien

Republicans sowed intolerance and in its shadow, Trump sprang up like toxic fungi.
―Charles M. Blow

Are Republicans hypocrites? Do they tell their children to stand up to bullies, then like cowards refuse to stand up to Trump, the Ultimate Bully?―Michael R. Burch


The Second Coming of Hitler?

Prominent conservatives like David Koch have compared Trump's plans to ban, deport and register Muslims en masse to Hitler's fascist methods. Koch said: "We'll have them all register? That's reminiscent of Nazi Germany. I mean, that's monstrous." Is Hair Hitler the second coming of Herr Hitler?

Hitler claimed that he alone could make German great again; Trump claims that he alone can make America great again.
Hitler was a media pioneer, using radio broadcasts to delude the gullible masses; Trump uses Twitter, the Internet and TV.
Hitler used an airplane to fly around Germany, drumming up support for his insanity; Trump has a private jet.
Hitler's "base" was German white supremacists; Trump's "base" is American white supremacists.
Hitler scapegoated, banned and deported Jews, just as Trump plans to scapegoat, ban and deport Muslims and Hispanics.
Hitler's initial "solution" for the Jewish immigrants was giant internment/concentration camps; Trump's initial "solution" for Hispanic immigrants would also require giant interment/concentration camps.
Hitler's initial "solution" to the "Jewish problem" didn't work, nor will Trump's. Will Trump's "final solution" be the same as Hitler's? Trump has already advocated killing ("taking out") Muslim women and children.
Hitler was extremely militaristic; Trump has called himself the most militaristic person on the planet.
Hitler had a titanic ego and thought he was invincible; ditto for Trump.
Hitler had his brownshirts beat up protestors; Trump has protestors thrown out and physically manhandled. Like Hitler, Trump has no use for free speech or diversity, demanding blind obedience and conformity. 
Hitler had the world's oddest moustache; Trump has the world's weirdest combover.

Top Ten Donald Trump Hashtags

#Resist #DumpTrump #NeverTrump #RetireBitch (Danny Devito) #Trump666 #HissyFitHitler (Elizabeth Harris Burch aka Ladydragyn) #NotMyPresident #NoWalls #EqualityForAll #LoveTrumpsHate

Honorable Mention: #TrumpedUpCare (MRB) #Lyin'RyanDyin'Care (MRB) #NoMamaCare (MRB) #NastyWoman #WeakDonald #PixieFingersTrump #BoycottTrump #GirlcottTrump (MRB) #ChickenDonald #ChickenLittleDonald #TraitorTrump #PutinsPuppet #KremlinGate #RussiaGate #DaughterGate (MRB) #SlaughterGate (MRB)

Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway objects to the Obamacare replacement/disgracement being called Trumpcare. That's a valid objection, because Obama really did care, while Trump obviously doesn't. So let's call it what it is: #TrumpedUpCare and #NoMamaCare.

Get with the Program Pogrom, Lefties!

C'm'on lefties! Admit that Donald Trump has been very tough on China. He has been especially tough on Chinese kids who slave away in sweatboxes, making his menswear. He has also been incredibly tough on Hispanic kids. He will be even tougher on the Syrian kids he says we must "take out" (murder!) in order to win the war on terror. No wonder he's the idol of white supremacists everywhere! What a tough guy, what a Putin-like strongman, what a steely-eye hero, making damn sure that Syrian toddlers don't overthrow our vaunted armed forces in one of the great military coups of all time! Get with the program pogrom, you bleeding-heart lefties! Surely you know that Jesus Christ would have gone Rambo, grabbed his assault weapon and made damn sure that no Syrian babe or widowed mother ever received shelter on these Christian shores! Are you insane like President Obama to suggest that Americans should have the courage to show compassion to unfortunate people who are not Christians? (And please, please, PLEASE don't remind us about the parable of the Good Samaritan!)―Michael R. Burch

Things that go bump in the night
fill Herr Trump with irrational fright;
his brain hits the skids;
he screams, "Take out kids!"
Where's his self-alleged "courage" and "might"?
Is cowardice Trump's kryptonite?
—Michael R. Burch

Herr Trump's latest idea to "make American great again" is a real doozy that puts him in the same category as Herr Hitler. Our new Hair Hitler recently insisted three times that the world's most powerful nation must wage war on women and children, "taking them out" like pawns in a game of incredibly bloody chess. Asked during a Fox News interview about civilian casualties in the war on  terror, Trump replied: "We're fighting a very politically correct war [by trying to avoid harming civilians] ... And the other thing is with the terrorists, you have to take out their families. When you get these terrorists, you have to take out their families. They care about their lives, don't kid yourself. But they say they don't care about their lives. You have to take out their families." (As William Finnegan pointed out in an article for The New Yorker, "Even Slobodan Milosevic knew better than to talk like that in public." Also what Trump said makes no sense, because if the terrorists really do care about their lives, you can use their lives as "leverage" and don't have to take out their families. Not to mention that murdering noncombatant women and children is evil and a violation of international law and basic human decency.) According to our hysterical Herr Trump, it is "politically correct" (i.e., very bad) to try to avoid killing women and children, and the best way to "win" the war on terror is to become serial killers of women and children ourselves! Herr Trump, welcome to the club that includes Hitler, Stalin, Mao Zedong, Pol Pot, Idi Amin, Ivan the Terrible, Attila the Hun and Genghis Khan! How proud Americans will be when as Commander-in-Chief you order our highly-skilled professional soldiers to "take out" women and children! What a tough guy, what a hero, what a leader of men! Sieg Heil, Herr Trump!

A pale neo-Nazi, Herr Trump,
screamed "Take them all out!" at the stump:
"Mothers and kiddies!
Grandpappies, old biddies!
Just blow up the whole damn dump!"
—Michael R. Burch

If this discussion interests you, you can continue reading at Donald Trump's "Muslim Friends"

Dire Abby

Donald John Trump is a man of many talents, a real Renaissance man! For instance, The Donald has replaced Dear Abby as the nation's foremost provider of relationship advice to the lovelorn! But perhaps we should call him "Dire Abby" because the advice he tweets is seldom endearing or helpful. Here are a few quick examples in which Trump appears to be a cross between Dear Abby, Don Rickles and the National Enquirer ...

@ariannahuff is unattractive both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man―he made a good decision.
Everyone knows I am right that Robert Pattinson should dump Kristen Stewart. In a couple of years, he will thank me. Be smart, Robert!
Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog & will do it again―just watch. He can do much better!
@katyperry is no bargain, but I don't like John Mayer—he dates and tells—be careful Katy (just watch!).

Why would anyone take relationship advice from Dire Abby, and why would anyone elect such a crackpot president? He sounds like a teenage gossip trying to beak up someone else's relationship out of spite or envy.

Foxhole Humor: Observations about Donald J. Trump

Trump wants to ban non-Christian refugees from Middle Eastern hot spots. Thus, he would ban the Holy Family, since they were not Christians when Jesus was born in a hot spot: the Palestinian West Bank.
Nobel Laureate Paul Krugman said that Trump is mentally ill. But that seems like an insult to the insane, most of whom are not trying to destroy the world!
Thinking you're Napoleon makes you mentally ill. Claiming to be the Savior of the World? That makes you the ANTICHRIST!
A five-year-old boy was handcuffed, separated from his mother and held in custody for five hours as "a threat to America" at Washington DC’s Dulles Airport. He was later identified as US citizen.
Trump should self-deport himself, since he said the US "should not admit those who engage in acts of bigotry or hatred...or those who would oppress Americans of any race, gender, or sexual orientation."
When Andy Cohen asked Rachel Maddow what her first question would be if she booked him for her show, Maddow deadpanned: “Are you going to send me or anybody that I know to a camp?”
There is a silver lining within the dark cloud of a Trump presidency―sales of alcohol and antidepressants are already at all-time highs!
What Trump calls a "rigged" system, the rest of the world calls "democracy."―Michael R. Burch
Republican voters are sheep who keep electing wolves to run the economic slaughterhouse. Asking Trump to save them is like asking a python to embrace and nurture a lamb.
Trump is like the grade school bully who can't understand why other kids dislike him so intensely. In his mind, they are the problem, not his terrible behavior.
Trump evidently lied through the teeth to get elected; suddenly now everything is "negotiable." But how does one negotiate with a psychopathic liar? Trump is the boy who lied "Wolf!" repeatedly.
Donald Trump just announced the first immigrants to be deported: Lady Liberty (a French import) along with her huddled masses yearning to be free.―Michael R. Burch
John Zogby called Trump's acceptance speech "revolutionary." Perhaps, but based on the number of protesters, it seems more likely to START a revolution.
Trump's transition will be managed by a crack team ... of crackpots.―Michael R. Burch

Bonus Tracks

Donald Trump, without a doubt, you're a New York landmark. Which means it will only be a matter of time before you bulldoze yourself, erect some gaudy, tacky monstrosity, and put your name on it.―Larry King
This guy [Trump] is dangerously unhinged. And, for all the things people have said about me over the years, I should be able to spot Dangerously Unhinged.―Glenn Beck
Trump is TIME's scam, er, "man" of the year.
Obama really did care. Ryancare is dyin' care. Trumpcare is trumped up care. All Trump cares about is his "brand" and massaging his ego.―Michael R. Burch
When Trump says stuff, it doesn’t have to be practical or even true. Because he’s a liar. He’s a liar, he’s a racist and he’s a friend of Piers Morgan’s.―Andy Hamilton
Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway, aka Miss Misinformation, never dredged up a lie that she couldn't peddle like fool's gold to amateur prospectors.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump pledged to be loyal to the Green Party, the Communist Party and Party Central, as long as they agree to be nice to that thing on his head. If not, all bets are off. — Michael R. Burch
Yes, Trump really is keeping his promises ... the worst ones!
The universe's dark forces are in perfect alignment! Mr. Putin and Acting President Bannon want exactly the same thing: the destruction of American democracy and its worldwide influence.
“I’m a Leninist,” Bannon told The Daily Beast in 2013. “Lenin wanted to destroy the state, and that’s my goal too. I want to bring everything crashing down, and destroy all of today’s establishment.”
Of course Mr. Putin fully supports President Bannon's anti-American initiatives and has ordered his puppet, Comrade Trumputin, to aid and abet Benedict Bannon's acts of treason, espionage and sabotage.
Why does Trump reject American intelligence? His handler, Mr. Putin, is a KGB spook who despises and fears American intelligence. Comrade Trumputin is just following orders!
Why is Trump spending so much time on the golf course? It's part of his job. He's practicing to be Mr. Putin's caddy and water boy.
Trump is a YUGE fan of "state's rights," by which he means that states will have "rights" when they meekly obey his dictatorial edicts.
All those political jokes were bound to backfire. Now the worst one of all has been elected president and the yoke's on us!
Russia had Peter the Great. Germany had Frederick the Great. But Americans have been shortchanged, because our first dictator is Donald the Ingrate!
Trump's "tax plan" is simple: cut taxes for himself, his cronies and his companies, and let everyone else foot the bill. The eel-fingered Groper-in-Chief is now groping our wallets.
Scientists recently discovered a strange new insect: the Orange-Tufted Twitter Flitterbug. It's a nasty little parasitical midge, but it dreams that it's a Monarch!
Trump called Erdogan to congratulate him for becoming an absolute dictator, something Trump aspires to become himself.
Comrade Trumputin did not inform Congress of his Syrian missile strike, but he did inform Russia. It seems perfectly clear that Mr. Putin is running the show, and that Trump is Putin's Puppet.
Why do Trump & Co. attack journalists? For the same reason dumbass jocks beat up nerds: it's easier to smack someone smarter than to win a debate with false facts and bad logic.
As Nancy Gibbs, editor of TIME, pointed out: "The enemy in any democracy is not dissent ... The enemy is dishonesty, ignorance, indifference, intolerance." In other words, the enemy is Trump.
If PRIMA DONALD  is correct that fake news is the enemy of the people, then he is PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE, since no one has ever spewed more fake news than PRESIDENT PANTS-ON-FIRE.
Pope Francis describes Trump: "I belong to this association and that one, but my life is not Christian: I don't pay my workers a just wage, I exploit people, I am dirty in my business, I launder money … A double life."
Is Trump leading the ultimate double life? Is the Antichrist waving his Bible around, pretending to be a "Christian" while rushing the world toward Armageddon?
Thomas Jefferson said that he would choose "newspapers without a government" over "a government without newspapers." Trump prefers Big Brother to control everything, including the dissemination of fake news.
Shades of the Nazis! Trump's Gestapo just seized Sara Beltran Hernandez from her hospital bed, where she was awaiting life-saving brain surgery. Was our nation at risk, really, when she was unable to walk?
This is a guy born with a silver spoon in his mouth that he's choking on because his foot is in his mouth along with the spoon!―Vice President Joe Biden
"The media should be embarrassed and humiliated and keep its mouth shut! The media has zero integrity, zero intelligence, and no hard work!" This from Steve Bannon, the ahem media mogul.
Well, at least Steve "Loose Cannon" Bannon has admitted that he has zero integrity, zero intelligence, and doesn't work hard, preferring to publish "alternate facts" like his boss, the Trumpster.
Jake Tapper had the perfect response to Bannon's demand that the press "keep its mouth shut." He laughed and said, "No."
According to The New York Times, the White House kitchen has been stocked with President Trump’s favorite snacks: potato chips. And his Cabinet has been filled with crackers.―Seth Meyers
Some people have sex appeal. The Donald has hex appeal.―Michael R. Burch
"We've been in office now for about seven or eight days, and we've done an incredible amount!" White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus gushed on Face the Nation.
Yes, an incredible amount of DAMAGE, you nitwit! Destroying 250 years' worth of democratic progress in a week is nothing to brag about!
Only Trump and his minions like Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway and "Rinse" Priebus can make "great" and "incredible" sound like code words for the Apocalypse.
Wrongway Conway has finally found her true calling―she's a pitiful spin doctor, but knows how to shill Ivanka's overpriced clothes, so off to the shark tank with her (the real kind).
To trump Trump or not to trump, that is the question. It's rhetorical.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Look at the bright sideit will be the largest impeachment/indictment party in history.―Stanley Cohen
Of course, presidents always enter office with something to prove, it’s just rarely their sanity.―Frankie Boyle
You kind of wish he’d get therapy, but at this stage it’s like hiring a window cleaner for a burning building.―Frankie Boyle
Terrorists have developed a terrible new weapon to assassinate Trump: the dreaded surface-to-hair missile. The Pentagon is rapidly retooling Hair Force One to protect his blonde roots.
Speaking of blondes, Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway must have sniffed the peroxide before she applied it, when she created the "Bowling Green Massacre."
There was no "Bowling Green Massacre." There was no refugee "ban" in response to the non-existent massacre. First there was Faux News and now we have a Faux Presidency.
Hitler had Eva Braun. Napoleon had Josephine. Trump must be one hard-up fascist if the best he can afford is Kellyanne Conway! Like Julius Caesar, he has his Queen of Denial, but she is no Cleopatra.
Trump instructed his female staffers to #DressLikeWomen. Does Mr. Piggy Wiggy want them to dress like his wife Melania: topless, or with breast implants overflowing their bras? In g-strings? How?
The real winner of the election? Melania. She was promoted from third wife to First Lady! The downside is that she still has to sleep with Hair Hitler.
Lyin' Paul Ryan now wants to "repair" Obamacare! But when Obama was president, Lyin' Ryan insisted that repair was impossible. How many people suffered and died because of his lies?
Howard Stern expressed concern that Trump's
"sensitive ego" will be "very detrimental to his mental health" because "he wants to be liked, he wants to be loved, he wants people to cheer for him."
I'm with Stern. Poor little rich kid! After Trump insults and bullies other people incessantly, he still wants to be liked, loved and cheered. Yes, I feel very sorry for the pale, cold-blooded Vampire Lord!
Howard Stern has an interesting theory about Trump: "He's pissed he won. He still wants Hillary Clinton to win. He's so f-king pissed, he’s hoping that he can find some voter fraud and hand it over to Hillary!"
Why is Trump alienating our allies while cozying up to Mr. Putin? Why did Hitler have bromances with Mussolini and Stalin? Fascists of a feather flock together.―Michael R. Burch
Trump won't release his tax returns because his adjusted income and charity donations are even more miniscule than his teeny-tiny hands.
Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway is obviously sniffing the peroxide before she bleaches her hair.―Michael R. Burch
GOP bigwigs just announced that Obamacare will be replaced by one of three "much better" alternatives: TrumpedUpCare, Lyin'RyanDyin'Care or NoCareYaEffin'Losers!
According to Newt "the Tadpole" Gingrich, his boss was just being "cute" when he promised to "drain the swamp." Now Trump is stocking the swamp with his crocodilian donors and political piranha.
The fiercely conservative Neil Gorsuch wrote in his Georgetown Prep School yearbook that he founded and led the "Fascism Forever Club."
One of Trump's first acts as president, surrounded by white men, was to dick-tate that women around the world must give up their right to choose, if their nations accept American aid. OINK-OINK!
Trump's first official acts included nixing the Climate Action Plan and removing references to lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender issues from the WhiteHouse.gov website. Yay, team, go!
Trump promised to "ease the burden of Obamacare," presumably by not caring and letting people suffer and die while he crows about how "handsome" and "popular" he is.
Albert Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over, hoping for different results. That makes Trump, Tillerson and the GOP mad as felt-sniffing hatters.
Who is the latest Trump Whisperer? Erik Prince, aka "The Prince of Darkness." Meanwhile, Prince's sister, Betsy DeVos, has been appointed by Trump to destroy public schools.
Betsy DeVos claims we need guns in schools to protect students from grizzly bears! Does she have advance notice that Sarah Palin will go rogue?―Michael R. Burch
It's no accident that the Barnum & Bailey Circus is going out of business just as Trump opens his latest sideshow ... he stole all the Kookiest Klowns for his Kabinet!―Michael R. Burch
In his Twitter blast at John Lewis, Trump assumes he represents a slum since he's black. Ugly. Bigly.―Meteor Blades in Daily Kos
According to Trump, if you're black, you must live in a crime-ridden hell, and you must be looking for a lily-white Savior, i. e. The Donald.
Hitler had Goebbels. Hirohito had Tokyo Rose. Saddam had Baghdad Bob. Such talent is expensive! Trump must REALLY be hard up, if all he can afford is Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway.
Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway warns us to be very careful about criticizing Trump. Why? His nuclear trigger finger is getting itchy, and he wants a lot more nukes! Be very careful indeed!
The Donald was having real problems getting stars to perform at his inauguration ... until Alec Baldwin bravely stepped forward with an offer to sing "Highway to Hell" in his Trump wig!
Donald Trump is "a man you can bait with a tweet."―Hillary Rodham Clinton
You can’t take away Trump’s Twitter account! That’s like taking away Batman’s utility belt! All you’ve got left is a billionaire with anger issues. He’s got none of his tools!―Stephen Colbert
Only in America could a man whose staff reportedly took away his Twitter account because he couldn't control himself be given the nuclear codes.―Graydon Carter
Since the FBI believes Russia meddled in the recent presidential election, does that make FBI director James Comey guilty of treason for collaborating with a hostile government to get Putin's puppet elected?
Who but Trump would have mentioned―on the very day the Twin Towers were destroyed―that he now owned the tallest building in lower Manhattan?―David Von Drehle
And who but Trump would try to compete with Medal of Honor winners by claiming to be "financially brave," when he dodges the federal taxes that support and safeguard American soldiers?
It's simply not true that there is no hope for a Trump presidency. He could turn the White House into a Trump casino and no one would ever hear from it again!―Michael R. Burch
ProfessorNina Khrushcheva was asked if Donald Trump is playing into Mr. Putin's hands. The responses from the intelligence expert were probative: "He's been playing into Putin's hands for over a year now," replied Professor Khrushcheva. "So it is not more than he has done already." The host said that many people have the picture of Putin sitting back and just saying 'Oh yes.' "And you know what," Khrushcheva continued. "This is such a correct picture ... Because I was just in Moscow and the Russians are saying, 'Look at those fools. Look at their democracy. Absolutely, how can America lecture us on any development institutions, human rights, democracy rhetoric when they just elected Donald Trump? He is such a fool. He is such a bully. That is what America deserves. And we are going to take advantage of it.' And that's how Russians feel about it. And now it's taking shape with letters from Vladimir Putin to Donald Trump with their exchange of potential nuclear armament and what not. So I think this is going to be a very interesting world to unfold in the next four years."
Trump isn't "draining the swamp." He's stocking it with political piranha.―Michael R. Burch
Trump says his administration has two rules: "Buy American and hire American." But the rules for his companies were exactly the opposite!
Trump claims that he doesn't need daily intelligence briefings. Doesn't he realize that it's a YUGE world, and something new happens every day?―Michael R. Burch
Trump blasted Ted Cruz and Hillary Clinton for cozying up to Goldman Sachs financiers who "owned" them; now Trump is owned by the three Goldman Sachs executives on his cabinet.
Trump lied about being an "outsider." Now it's "business as usual" since he appointed three Goldman Sachs donors to plum cabinet positions. The yoke's on you, as the Three Stooges would say.
Not only has Trump failed to "drained the swamp," he is now stocking it with his crocodilian donors.―Michael R. Burch
Michael Brune of the Sierra Club promised a "wall of resistance, the likes of which he never imagined" to Trump's plans to destroy what is left of the ecology.
Trump claims that it is "foolish and so naive" not to torture suspected terrorists. He also insists that it is "foolish and so naive" not to let him kiss and grope women without their consent.
Men should not dick-tate to women, if you'll pardon the pun. Nor should they kiss and grope women without their consent. Impeach the leech!―Michael R. Burch
Carl Bernstein reported that Republicans are concerned about Trump's "emotional stability" and "maturity." How silly! That's like being concerned about a cobra's capacity for compassion.
Bernstein concluded that we are in "uncharted territory." Yes, like a paralyzed bird being swallowed whole by a King Cobra. At least we have a good view of the fangs, if they're the last things we see!
Trump wants to replace Obamacare with Trumpcare. President Obama really did care; Trump doesn't. Trumpcare will be like letting a pack of snarling wolves run loose in the henhouse.
Tennessee Senator Lamar Alexander cautioned about a "quick fix" for Obamacare, saying: "We want a long-term solution that lowers costs." Good luck explaining that to a president with ADD!
Donald Trump keeps bashing wind energy; ironically, by using hot air. If we could hook his hyperactive mouth up to a generator, the world's energy problems would instantly be solved!
Trump filed for bankruptcy five times between 1991 and 2014. That means he's on track to bankrupt the nation by 2018, or 2019 at the latest. And he's certainly off to a fast start!
A 20% tax on Mexican imports would be paid by Americans, not Mexicans. And it would lead to more illegal immigrants, when the Mexican economy implodes and jobs are lost.
Scalpers are losing YUGE money on Trump inauguration tickets. One scalper, Yossi Rosenberg, complained bitterly: "I might even have to go!"
Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway denied that the Trump administration lied about the dismal turnout, claiming that "alternate facts" had been provided (care of Big-Brother?).
But actually the turnout exceeded all expectations ... if we include the YUGE numbers of protesters! How's that for an alternate fact?
Another alternate fact: Donald Trump got more women to get up and walk in one day than Michelle Obama's fitness programs did in 8 years!
Trump reportedly wanted tanks and missile launchers to roll down Pennsylvania Ave.―shades of Putin!―but the heavy tanks would have destroyed the road. Trump was heartbroken!
It's embarrassing enough that Trump couldn't get top American stars to perform at his "Deploraball," but he was also turned down by Celine Dion, Andrea Boccelli, Elton John ... even Paul Anka!
Paul Anka? Canadian. Andrea Boccelli? Italian. 3 Doors Down? The Rockettes? Ted Nugent? Benji barking Sieg Heil? Keep an eye on the Keystone Klown Kar!
FINALLY
, TAH-DA!, Trump "lands an A-list celebrity" to appear at his inauguration: "notorious pharma bro Martin Shkreli ... the most hated man in America!"―Dartagnan in Daily Kos
Actually, Trump is not short of A-listers, if by "A" we mean major ASSHOLES; hell, he's stocking his cabinet with them as we speak!―Michael R. Burch
Who was the real winner at Trump's inauguration? Mr. Putin, who can now take back Ukraine and other former USSR satellites while Trump fawns, bows and scrapes. 
Trump's real game plan has now been revealed: to make Russia great again, while making America grate again, with hatred, intolerance and violence.
From Russia, with Love ... signed, sealed, delivered ... he's yours, care of Mr. Putin ... your new leader: Comrade Trump!
Paul Ryan said, "I think Russia is a global menace led by a man who is menacing." Donald Trump said, "Thanks for getting me elected, Mr. Putin! Now, how may I serve you?"
Trump gave FBI director James Comey a big hug for helping him steal the election; later there will be a group hug and photo-op with a bare-chested Mr. Putin, the escapade's mastermind.
The CIA, FBI and NSA all agree that Putin tried to get Trump elected. Why? Apparently, Putin wants America to hate again, and no one can incite hatred like The Donald.
Why does Trump want Rex Tillerson for Secretary of State? "He goes into a country, takes the oil, goes into another country." Yikes, that's the Dick Cheney master plan that led to the rise of ISIS!

But folks, on a serious point, Trump said he likes "people who don’t get captured." What a terrible thing to say about my friend and a genuine war hero, John McCain. So tonight I call on Donald Trump to be a man of his word and release Chris Christie right now!—Joe Biden

Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents — doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem…—Lewis Black

The Trump virus's primary effect is twofold: First, it implants in its hosts the unshakable conviction that one of the most execrable clowns in the history of these United States is a hero who deserves to be elevated to the White House; then, having inculcated the conceit, it removes the faculties that are necessary for its removal.―Charles Cooke

Americans like Trump because he’s got loads of money, which is sort of their version of being clever. He’s all over the news, even though he looks weird. Like a guinea pig staring at you through the porthole on a washing machine.—Barry Shitpeas

Let me say this about Donald Trump. I love Donald Trump, all comedians love Donald Trump. If God gave comedians the power to invent people, the first person we would invent is Donald Trump, God’s gift to comedy.—Jerry Seinfeld

What a great honor it must be for you to honor me tonight. I’m so sorry; Donald Trump said that. It’s getting trickier and trickier to satirize this stuff.— Julia Louis Dreyfus

At this point Trump is the political equivalent of a phone sex operator. He’s just whispering whatever dirty little racist fantasies Republicans want to hear.— Michael Che

Trumpisms: Donald Trump Coinages, by Michael R. Burch

TrIumphant (adj.) feeling or expressing jubilation after claiming to have won a victory entirely on one's own merits: "I came, I lied, I claimed to be the Savior of the World, I conquered!"
Trumped (v., past tense) having won through subterfuge: "Trump's lies trumped facts for millions of his supporters."
Trump Change: (n.) chump change with a few extra zeroes tacked on
Trumpageddon (n.) Armageddon, only much worse because we have to listen to Donald Trump brag about his superiority while he destroys the world
Trumpaholic (n.) someone addicted to his own bullshit
Trumpbone (n.) a musical instrument similar to a trombone which plays only discordant notes
Trumpass (n.) a compass that always points at one's ass
Trumpathon: (n.) a TV event in which Donald Trump goes on and on and on about how "rich," "successful" and "good looking" he is
Trumpectomy (n.) a type of brain surgery similar to a lobotomy in which an oversized ego is removed
Trumpet (n.) a mouthpiece only good for constantly tooting one's own horn
Trumpetry (n.) the art of constantly tooting one's own horn.
Trumpism (n.) anything that is wildly exaggerated in a boorish fashion
Trumple (v.) to trample and crumple, while insulting one's victims in the process
Trumplestiltskin (n.) the title of a book about a man who falls asleep, dreams that he is the king of the world, and never wakes up from his absurd fantasy
Trumposity (n.) the quality of being pompous, loud and overbearing
Trumptanic (n.) the name of a ship that has been advertised to be "unsinkable" but in reality is so full of holes that it can never leave dry dock
Trumptastic (adj.) something purported to be wonderful that turns out to be horse hockey
Trumpupmanship (n.) claiming to be better than everyone at everything
Trumputopia (n.) a mythical land in which alpha male chauvinism rules and everything is magically "great"
Anchor husband (n.) a rich American man who marries foreign supermodels so that they can live in the US "legally"
Con-serve-ative (n.) a reality TV star who cons gullible people into believing that he wants to serve them, rather than vice versa
Con-fusion (n.) the chaos produced when a con-serve-ative convinces gullible people that he will "help them come together"
Con-flation (n.) what our economy will experience after Donald Trump has conned us into electing him president
Mock-umentary (n.) a documentary of Donald Trump mocking everything and everyone in sight

Is Trump the Fire Monkey?

George Orwell's novel 1984 is climbing in the bestseller rankings. Orwell got everything right except the year: 2016 (the Chinese year of the Yang, or Red Fire Monkey).
Yang is, of course, the active male principle, associated with fire and heat. Trump was elected by the "red" states. And he seems remarkably unevolved, in terms of equality, compassion and a sense of justice ...
Hey, is there something to Chinese astrology? As millions of women march against Trump, we see Ying opposing Yang, with Trump acting like an orangutan with its enormous red ass exposed.
An article about 2016 being the year of the Fire Monkey predicts: "Monkey business! Hold on to your hats, folks, the circus is about to begin! Monkey sees and Monkey does what is best for Monkey!"
The rare Year of the Fire Monkey is associated with chaos, and Trump is the King of Chaos. The last year of the Fire Monkey was 1956, the year of the Cuban Missile Crisis and Suez Canal Crisis.
The Suez Canal Crisis was a pivotal event that marked the demise of British imperial power. Will Trump's monkeyshines do the same for American power? 
A Chinese astrology chart says Trump's "Elements are extremely out of balance ... too much Fire and Earth, with almost no Water or Metal." Sounds like he'll set the world aflame with no way to put it out!
According to Chinese astrology, Trump was born "in the Male Wooden Horse month of the Male Fire Dog year at Female Earth Snake hour." A Trojan horse setting fire to the world with hateful venom, perhaps?
Trump was born on a blood moon, as in the biblical moon "turning to blood" before "the great and terrible Day of the LORD." Armageddon awaits, heralded by the Trump of Doom!
Thierry Chow warns of shocking events because "when fire is atop monkeys they will be swinging around, they will be difficult to predict. A lot of things will be unexpected." Shock the Monkey!
"There are going to be a lot of ups and downs. The monkey is a creature who is tricky and cunning," Cherry Ma said, predicting an economic rollercoaster in the Year of the Fire Monkey. 
But 2017 will be the year of the Fire Chicken; will Americans fire the Fire Chicken, by impeaching him? One can only hope!
Trump's name in Chinese translates as Te Lang Pu (Pooh!), which means "unusual, loud and common." Are the gods trying to tell us something, one wonders?
Rex Tillerson's name in Chinese translates as Di (Die!) Le Sen, which means "stem (kill), coerce, dark." It seems to suit him, as far as I can tell.
Kellyanne Conway's name in Chinese translates as Kang Wei, which means "healthy leather hide." Once again, right on the mark!
Ryan Zinke's name in Chinese translates as Jin Ke, which means "ferry crossing saliva digest." That makes me think of crossing over to Hades on Charon's ferry, on a river of spittle!

More Bonus Tracks

Ronald McDonald Trump-Bozo has agreed to pay $25 million to settle charges of fraud against his so-called Trump "University." Even the name was a sham and a scam―not to mention illegal. Thus Trump has, for all intents and purposes, admitted that he bilked thousands of students out of their hard-earned money. Many of them charged their credit cards and had to pay extremely high interest rates on top of the fraudulent "tuition" charges. But that is how Trump-Bozo operates, as he unloads his Kooky Klown Kar at the three-ring circus show formerly known as the American presidency. We will undoubtedly see more shams and scams under a Trump administration. Taxpayers had better plan on shelling out to have padded walls installed at the White House, now that the inmates are running the asylum. It sounds like the plot of a Batman movie: the Joker has been elected president and is gleefully playing with the nuclear codes ...

During his campaign Trump repeatedly said that he was going to "take on Wall Street." It turns out that what he really meant was "take on board" and help in a bigly way.―Michael R. Burch
If Trump had a penny for every time he lied, he'd be the earth's first trillionaire.―Michael R. Burch
Trumps threatens to impose a 35% tariff on American companies that export jobs, but will he impose the tariff retroactively on his companies that outsourced jobs to Mexico and China?
Donald Trump seems to have a penchant for passionate psychopaths. His latest bromance is with an old flame, Ben Carson, whom Trump has described as "passionate" and a "psychopath."
Donald Trump condemned Fidel Castro as a "brutal dictator." Well, it does take one to know one ..."―Michael R. Burch
Trump calling Castro a "brutal dictator" was actually a compliment. Trump admires and seemingly worships brutal strongmen like Putin, Qaddafi, Saddam and Kim Jong Un.
God has a sense of humor. Steve Bannon, the Breitbart publisher who is now CEO of the Trump campaign, actually set his pants on fire while writing yet another lie-riddled speech for The Donald!
But Trump is absolutely correct that the election is rigged. He rigged it against himself when he insulted women, Hispanics, African-Americans and Muslims.
Trump's latest reality TV show will be called The Presidential Apprentice, with voters hopefully quick to tell the oddly-coiffed intern: "You're fired!"―Michael R. Burch
President-elect Donald Trump has just announced his most-favored nation: discrimination.
Trump and his senior advisers seem intent on another unwinnable war, this time with Iran. Their theme song is: "If at first bombs don't succeed, bomb, bomb again!"―Michael R. Burch
Trump sued Nevada for allowing Latinos to vote against him; if they were voting for him, of course there would be no lawsuit.
According to Trump, the system is "rigged" if polls are kept open an extra hour or two, to allow American citizens with darker skin to vote.
It turns out that Trump really is a Republican, after all. His attempt to stop Latino citizens from voting proves that he is "red" to the core, where his missing heart would otherwise be.
Did Melania vote for her husband? There is a picture floating around of Donald Trump eying her ballot suspiciously, with raised eyebrows. But who could blame her for voting for Hillary Clinton?
As everyone knows, The Donald doesn't trust immigrants. Most of them are terrible people―racists and drug pushers. So how can he trust his own wife?
In Florida just before election day, Trump called the United States a "laughingstock." But to be fair, he also called his campaign "the single greatest waste of time" in human history. 
But why did Trump waste so much time trying to take over a laughingstock? Can we trust him when he tells us how "smart" he is, and how he always "wins"?
Donald Trump said, "Now it's up to the American people to deliver justice at the ballot box." And they will, by telling him: "You're fired!"
Donald Trump just compared himself to Medal of Honor winners, telling them: "I'm brave―financially brave!" No, Donald Chickenheart, welshing on your taxes and bills is not "brave."
How screwed up is the GOP? The party could run a Hitler-Mussolini ticket and still win the red states. Trump could call for a return to slavery and watch his polls go up.
The children of the corn―Ivanka, Eric and Donald Jr.―have spoken. Everyone should vote for The Donald and pay absolutely no attention to what he says and does, the way they do.
Whether some of Trump's supporters are deplorable is debatable. Whether Trump himself is deplorable is not. It is as certain as the sun rising in the east and setting in the west.
The smart money is definitely on Hillary Clinton. When the FBI announced that there was nothing prosecutable in her emails, stocks and currencies soared worldwide after plummeting when the news favored Trump.
Voters got a taste of Trump's presidency when Trump kissed a bare-chested Putin on the mouth in an SNL skit. The Trump-Putin bromance is so hot, there will soon be a Putin bedchamber in the White House!
Benedict Cumberbatch welcomed the SNL audience with: “It’s so great to be hosting Saturday Night Live on the last weekend of America as we know it!” He then advised the audience to drink up.
Michael Che said Clinton has to be annoyed after being slammed over her emails: “It’s like giving up weed for a job interview and then losing the job to a crackhead.”
Colin Jost dismissed Melania Trump’s impassioned plea for people to be nicer to one another on the Internet: “Donald Trump called his wife’s speech sad, fake and gay.”
"Look," Barack Obama told an unusually serious Bill Maher, "if I watched Fox News I wouldn’t vote for me either!"
Mexico just announced its contingency plan in case Trump is elected president: build a wall to keep him out, and force the United States to pay for it.―Michael R. Burch
Trump deserves the award for Hispanic turnout. He did more to get them out than any Democrat has ever done.―Republican Senator Lindsey Graham
You can't polish this turd.―Van Jones
Ah, but Republicans keep trying to put lipstick on the Trump pig!
How low can the bar go? "Trump gets cookies, ice cream and applause for saying bad things about the Klan," after months of pretending he "doesn't know anything" about David Duke or the KKK.―Van Jones
Eric Trump recently said that David Duke deserves "a bullet." The Trumps are the Beverly Hillbillies gone over to the Dark Side of the Force. Or perhaps they're the Brooklyn Hillbullies.―Michael R. Burch
This is rich: Melania Trump is now crusading against online bullying. Meanwhile the world's biggest online bully―her husband―is tweeting up a storm!
She’s married to the most famous bully on planet Earth, who has unleashed a tidal wave of hate and bigotry online and off.―Jon Lovett, a former speechwriter for President Obama
Melania Trump clarified her position on cyber-bullying. She will end online bullying forever by permanently unplugging her husband's Twitter feed. After that, she will wash out his mouth with soap.
According to Trump, if we don't have borders and laws, we don't have a country. So his first official act will be to deport Melania for working without a visa and stealing American models' jobs.
It's no surprise that Trump rejected Elliott Abrams. He would instantaneously reject Ronald Reagan, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson and Jesus Christ, if they dared to criticize him in public.
The Trump presidency may prove that fact is stranger than secret agent fiction.―Michael R. Burch
The Swamp Restocker has been a busy little beaver, erecting dams and flooding the boggy bottomland on behalf of his crocodilian donors and political piranha.
Trump seeks to stonewall everything good and to steamroll everything evil.
Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey has pledged "a completely new approach to abuse" on Twitter. But what will he do about the biggest and baddest abuser of them all, President Donald Trump?
There is nationwide relief in Great Britain since #QueenElizabeth confirmed that #Trump can be addressed as "Mr. So-Called President."
Meanwhile, Great Britain may announce its own travel ban, as 150 MPs have protested Trump being allowed to appear before Parliament.
However, we think Trump should be allowed to speak before both Houses, since he thinks he's a Lord, and because he's so incredibly Common!
Sarah Silverman just tweeted this to 9.8 million followers: "Wake up & join the Resistance. Once the military is w/ us Fascists get overthrown. Mad king & his handlers go bye bye."
It's time for the man-boycotts to begin! Or should we call them man-babycotts, toddlercotts, totcotts?―Michael R. Burch
Trump confirms the "anal" in "analysis." Put him on a couch and he'll emulate an ostrich: burying his brain in denial while exposing his enormous ass to all onlookers.
The best possible outcome of a Trump presidency would be a nervous breakdown that results in a padded cell with no tweeting allowed.―Michael R. Burch
Trump is most certainly NOT a Russian spy, because spies know how to keep important things secret. Trump is the consummate inane babbler. He is Putin's puppet, but not a spy.
Toddler Trump was led to the White House romper room, where he turned the walls his favorite color―gold―by peeing on them. He then proceeded to piss on Mexico, China and Iran.
The Donald damned Barack Obama for every vacation day he took ... but after a measly two weeks on the job, a tuckered-out Trump was mellowing out at Mar-a-Lago.
Trump is reportedly targeting 8 million immigrants for deportation, including his first and third wives, both of whom (according to Trump) are "rapists" and "drug pushers."
Trump said he respects Mr. Putin. Bill O'Reilly asked, "Why? He's a murderer!" Trump responded that his AmeriKKKa is not so innocent; thus murdering innocents is just business as usual.
Does Trump make any sense whatsoever? How can he "make American great again" by excusing and emulating murderers like Mr. Putin, Assad, Jong-Un and Duterte?

Former CIA Deputy Director Michael Morell called President Donald Trump's apparent comparison of Russian President Vladimir Putin's human rights violations to American actions "bizarre." In an interview on CBS This Morning, Morell said: "It suggests he doesn't have a good understanding of what Putin has done over a very long period of time. (Putin) has killed dozens of dozens of journalists, of political opponents … both inside of Russia and outside of Russia."

But there's the rub, because Trump evidently would dearly love to silence American journalists. It's not that Trump doesn't understand what Putin has done―it's that he can't wait to knock off a few journalists himself!

Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway and Sean "Scary" Spicer insist that the press should be nice to Little Donnie Diaperpants. But of course Widdle Donnie Whinydiaper did not play nice with the other candidates! Turnabout is fair play, and now Delicate Donald Sissypants is getting a taste of his own bitter medicine!

Scary Spicer's list of major unreported attacks: The Alamo! Pearl Harbor! 9-11! The Bowling Green Massacre! Trump abuses Ivana over botched hair job! Trump gropes unconsenting women! Trump ogles teen beauty queens! Trump attacks Rosie O'Donnell, Cher, Bette Midler, Kristen Stewart, Alicia Machado, Arianna Huffington, Megyn Kelly, Carly Fiorina, Elizabeth Warren and Hillary Clinton!

TIME magazine put Stephen K. Bannon on its cover with the caption The Great Manipulator. But that gives Bannon far too much credit, because the "man" he keeps man-ipulating is really a Man-Baby, as Jon Stewart so accurately pointed out. Those teeny-tiny fingers grasping at straws are a dead giveaway! Therefore TIME should consider these much more accurate captions: The Great Baby-Man-ipulator, The Great Totipulator, Stephen KKK Bannon, Loose Cannon Bannon, The Amerikan Goebbels, Darkness Incarnate, AmeriKlan Idol, Darth Vader, Sauron, The Lord of Darkness, The Warmonger.

Bannon has likened himself to the force of darkness from Star Wars: "Darkness is good," he told the Reporter. "Dick Cheney. Darth Vader. Satan. That's power."

According to Bannon's longtime writing partner, Julia Jones: "Steve is a strong militarist, he's in love with war—it's almost poetry to him.” Jones was speaking to The Daily Beast in an interview last year, well before Trump won the election and Bannon landed his new job. "He's studied it down through the ages, from Greece, through Rome ... every battle, every war … Never back down, never apologize, never show weakness … He lives in a world where it's always high noon at the O.K. Corral." In one of the scariest Bannon quotes that I have seen, he stated confidently that there was "no doubt" the United States would go to war with China over tiny islands in the South China Sea! In a March 2016 interview Bannon said: "We're going to war in the South China Sea in five to ten years. There's no doubt about that. They're taking their sandbars and making basically stationary aircraft carriers and putting missiles on those. They come here to the United States in front of our face–and you understand how important face is–and say it's an ancient territorial sea." The idea that we would fight a war over tiny islands in order to save "face" sounds crazy, but such "face saving" was the reason Nixon and Kissinger refused to pull American troops out of Vietnam until the bitter end. How many people on both sides died to "save face" in the Vietnam War, one wonders? How many will die in the next "face saving" war?

Tom "the Amerikan Mengele" Price has been accused of trading health care stocks on the political version of insider information. Should Tom "the Price is Right" be Trump's health czar, in charge of national health care policy? Should Tom Sellout be confirmed? Is the One Man Death Panel trying to save us, or just to profit from our misfortunes? Apparently, there are no decent Republican senators or congressmen willing to stand up to Trump and his dreadful nominees, so Tom Thumb will probably be confirmed and continue to thumb his nose at us, and at regulators, while replacing Obamacare with NoMamaCare. Trusting Trump and his goons with your family's health care is like a lamb trusting cold-blooded, venom-spitting cobras to act in its best interests. Personally, I'd take my chances with the cobras. At least they stop killing when their bellies are full.

Mike Huckabee recently said: "Trump may be a car wreck, but at least his car is pointed in right direction." Now let me get this straight ... as long as someone is driving in the right direction, it doesn't matter if he hits and injures or kills multitudes of Hispanic and Muslim children?"

Trump just drove the final nail into his "Final Case for America." He asked us to think, by asking questions. That was the final nail. Do we prefer to deport Hispanic children, or to ban Muslim children? Do we want a female president, or a president who gropes females? Do we want a president who will stand up to Mr. Putin, or a president who is Putin's puppet? Do we want a president who listens to our generals, or a president who thinks he's smarter than all our generals combined?

Topless protesters were arrested at a Trump rally. The Donald bailed them out, so that he could grope them later. Melania, Ivanka and Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway are busy making up excuses for Trump: He was framed! It was a liberal plot! It was just locker room groping―a boyish prank―not real sexual assault! For Trump to really assault the women, they would need to be much prettier, with much bigger boobs! Trump would never bother groping women who are not perfect tens with humongous breasts!

While it's a very bad joke, I would like to give a special Dishonorable Mention to Donald Trump for body-shaming Alicia Machado after she won the Miss Universe contest in 1996. She was a teenager at the time and he humiliated her in public for gaining weight! Trump called her Miss Piggy, Miss Eating Machine and Miss Housecleaning (presumably because she is Latina and that is what Latinas are good for, according to The Donald). Then, when Trump called Hillary Clinton a "nasty woman" during the third debate―when all she did was quote what Trump has actually said in public―he inspired the #NastyWoman hashtag and election campaign. Trump is his own worst enemy with women, but he's too much of a boor (male piggy oinker) to realize it. He always remains tone deaf to how racist, sexist and intolerant he sounds.

Trump continues to restock the swamp, adding yet another Goldman Sachs bigwig to his "pool" of advisers (if you'll pardon the pun). Gary Cohn said the administration’s goal of deregulating financial markets “has nothing to do with Goldman Sachs.” Yes, and he has some swampland to sell you at YUGELY inflated prices!―Michael R. Burch

Jon Stewart recently appeared on the Late Show as Donald Trump, wearing a dead rodent on his head and a super-long tie, to reveal three new executive orders ...
Jon Stewart's first executive order: "China shall immediately, and without hesitation, send us their wall. Done! Boom!" (To get Mexico to pay for the wall, the US will pretend not to be home and forward it c.o.d.)
Jon Stewart's second executive order: "The new official language of the United States is Bullshit."
Jon Stewart's third executive order: "I, Donald J. Trump, declare by executive order that I am exhausting. The presidency is supposed to age the president, not the public!"

Under Armour CEO Kevin Plank, in an interview with CNBC, called President Donald Trump an “asset” to the country.
Stephen Curry, the most famous player associated with Under Armour, begged to differ: “I agree ... if you remove the ‘et’ from asset.”

Bonus Tracks: Oldies but Goodies

On Aleppo, Trump sounds like a fifth grader giving a book report ... on a book he never read.Harlan Coben
Ultra-right-wing organizations are obviously trying to tip the election to Trump: the KKK, the KGB, the FBI.―Michael R. Burch

Putin is a former KGB agent. Why is he trying to deliver the presidency to Trump? Why is the KKK endorsing Trump? And why did the FBI announce a new investigation of Hillary Clinton's emails just a few days before the election? Well, Trump obviously needs a LOT of help to defeat a girl! But if we can be serious for just one moment―then back to the jokes, I promise!―it does seem that James Comey took it upon himself to decide this election, in a shocking breech of protocol. Perhaps these right-wingers just don't believe in democracy, and will do anything they can to rig the system in their favor. So Trump may have been correct, after all, except that it's not liberals doing the rigging, but his fellow alpha male partners in crime.

"Grab her by the pussy?" Sounds like what Hillary did to Trump at the first debate!―Bill Maher
"Take a Tic Tac and grab them by the pussy" is the closest thing to a "plan" Donald Trump has described this entire election!―Samantha Bee
According to Donald Trump, a bush in the hand is worth two unmolested birds.―Michael R. Burch

BTW, it's amusing that Rudy Giuliani is now Trump's surrogate, defending him from accusations of sexual assault and other improprieties by scores of women, when in a 2000 "Mayor's Inner Circle" video, Giuliani in drag had his "breasts" schmoozed by The Donald, after which Giuliani slapped his face and called him a "dirty boy." Obviously, Giuliani was well aware of Trump's reputation for grabbing and groping women without bothering to ask for their permission! Trump's outrageous behavior was a running joke among alpha males in his circle. In 1993, fellow bad boy Howard Stern asked Trump directly: "So you treat women with respect?" Trump answered honestly: "No, I can’t say that either." And hundreds of chauvinistic public statements and tweets by Trump confirm that he doesn't treat women with respect, or minorities, or POWs, or Gold Star families, or anyone that he considers "weak" or "overweight" or "unattractive."

Would Donald Trump create an American Holocaust by deporting 11 million people, including multitudes of completely innocent children and their mothers? Is Trump the second coming of Adolph Hitler? Yes, nicknames like Hair Hitler and Hair Furor are amusing, but are they also accurate, and perhaps prophetic?

More Bonus Tracks

Trump did worse at Gettysburg than the South did.―Seth Meyers
Trump is like Captain Hook but with a teeny-tiny hook.―Seth Meyers
The Republican Party has come a long way, baby. Abraham Lincoln appealed to the "better angels" of our nature. Trump wants better angles to grab and grope women's genitals.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump calling Anthony Weiner a "sleaze" is like an experienced hooker calling a rookie working girl a "slut."―Michael R. Burch
Trump finally pissed off the wrong women: all of them.―Erin Gloria Ryan
Nasty women are tough. Nasty women are smart. And nasty women vote. And on Nov. 8 we nasty women are going to march our nasty feet to cast our nasty votes to get you out of our lives forever.―Elizabeth Warren
There are certain things Donald Trump adamantly refuses to accept: hair loss, his ugliness, election results, climate change, civility, decency, and a woman's right to say "no."―Michael R. Burch
No one inspects women more than me!―SNL's Michael Che and Colin Jost on Weekend Update, speculating that "respects" was a Trump tweet typo
Hurricane Matthew may have been downgraded, but "Donald Trump talking about women has been upgraded to a category five shitstorm."―Bill Maher
Mike Pence and Donald Trump are making sexual assault great again.―Bill Maher
Trump loves "stop-and-frisk" because it naturally leads to his favorite pastime, "kiss-and-grope."―Michael R. Burch
Trump's only long-term commitment to a woman has been his 20-year obsession with fat-shaming Alicia Machado.―Michael R. Burch
The evidence continues to mount: There is nothing in the world that Donald Trump can’t make worse.―Gail Collins
Trump claims that he'll run American like his businesses. That is secret code for "into the ground."―Michael R. Burch
A monkey throwing a dart at a stock page in 1995 could have produced a 150% return, but Trump's casino business investors lost more than 90%.―Warren Buffet
Trump likes to brag about attending the Wharton School of business. But his alma mater predicts that his policies could cost the United States four million lost jobs.―Michael R. Burch
Trump is a man-baby. He has the physical countenance of a man and a baby's temperament and tiny hands.―Jon Stewart
If Donald Trump gets elected we may be saved from annihilation only if his stubby little baby fingers are too short to reach the nuclear codes.―Michael R. Burch
Anonymous just hacked Trump's tax returns. Unfortunately, like Trump's hands, the numbers are tiny and impossible to make out.―Michael R. Burch
Hillary Clinton pointed out that no living president has endorsed Donald Trump. Nice try, Hillary, but it just so happens that Vladimir Putin is living!―Seth Meyers
Shortly after promising a "new deal" to black Americans, Trump kicked a peaceful black protestor out of one of his rallies. Apparently, the "new deal" is a revival of Jim Crow.―Michael R. Burch
Trump is leery of teleprompters because they can be difficult to follow and "I'm sure it's even harder when you're translating from the original Russian."―Hillary Clinton
Hey Trump, instead of handing out Play-Doh why don't you write a check and give the people of Louisiana some REAL DOUGH$$$?―Elizabeth Harris Burch tweet
Donald has attacked every person of color ... except John Boehner.―Joe Biden
Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway screams at Trump to stay on the important issues. And he does: fat-shaming women, threatening peaceful protestors, insulting POWs and Gold Star families.―Michael R. Burch
Joe Walsh will be hopping mad if Trump loses the election. But like most Trumpites he's so far behind the times that he's threatening to grab his "musket."―Michael R. Burch
The Sean Hannity meltdown has begun. He will soon be an odious puddle on the floor, like the Wicked Witch of the West, only with fewer trained monkeys to mourn his passing.―Michael R. Burch
Mike Pence called on Utah Republicans to "come home" to Trump. That's like asking runaway children to return to an abusive father.―Michael R. Burch
Hillary Clinton belongs in the White House. Donald Trump belongs on my show.―Jerry Springer
Donald, to be a billionaire, you have to have the "billion" part in your bank account, not just the "air"!―Mark Cuban
Donald Trump has had two foreign wives. It turns out that there are really are some jobs Americans won't do.―Mitt Romney
Donald Trump is actually making America great again, by destroying the Republican Party.―Unknown
Tonight, we honor a self-made millionaire. He started with nothing, worked hard, and made a fortune. That man is Fred Trump, Donald’s dad.―Seth McFarlane
[Note: Donald Trump is far from a self-made man. The Wall Street Journal reported that a 1985 casino-license document showed that he owed his father $14 million. Also, his father jointly guaranteed a $70 million loan on one of his first big building projects. And of course The Donald inherited YUGE sums of money when his father died. No, Donald Trump is not the self-made man he pretends to be.]

"Honey, where'd you put #ThatMexicanThing?"
"It's on the shelf, next to the #BindersFullOfWomen!"

Trumping The IRS: The Top Ten Reasons Trump Will Not Release His Tax Returns

(10) Trump's businesses are loaded with debt and are not as valuable or profitable as he pretends
(9) Trump, like Mitt Romney, is paying less than 15% of his current earnings in federal taxes
(8) Trump is carrying large losses that he doesn't want the public to see
(7) Trump has extensive investments in China and Mexico, nations he accuses of taking advantage of the United States
(6) Trump has paid virtually no federal income tax in past years; thus he refuses to release even fully audited tax returns
(5) Trump has been donating large sums of money to the Clintons, Planned Parenthood, and other conservative no-nos
(4) Trump has used offshore accounts to avoid paying federal income taxes
(3) Trump owes huge sums of money to banks and investors, and is not his own man as he claims
(2) Trump has donated very little of his own money to charity
(1) Trump has greatly exaggerated his assets, net worth and income

More Bonus Tracks Provided by the Trumps Themselves

You may not realize it, but Trump is quite the stand-up comedian, either a Master of Irony or The King of Unintentional Comedy:

Trump said "I want to debate Hillary very badly." And he certainly did, three times!
Trump said John McCain was a war hero only because he got caught. Trump, on the other hand, is a brilliant military strategist who cleverly avoided getting caught—by not serving!
A vet gave Trump his Purple Heart, something Trump said he had always wanted and never thought he would get—a functional heart!
Trump's family name was "Drumpf." Sounds like one of the Seven Dwarfs—and that would explain his teeny-tiny hands and corresponding appendage!
Trump feels entitled to ridicule the handicapped. After all, he has his own physical challenges—he constantly has his foot in his mouth and his head up his ass!
Trump was absolutely correct to have a crying baby removed from one of his rallies—like any good businessman or aspiring dictator, he needed to eliminate the competition.
Trump may not have the best chance of winning, but he certainly does of whining.
Trump has been called ignorant, tasteless, tactless, thin-skinned, fat-headed, immature, narcissistic, racist, misogynistic, xenophobic, vindictive, cowardly, petty, pampered, disingenuous, deceitful, disgusting and dangerous, as well as a bully, a braggart, a bigot, and a bore. That’s so unfair—he’s a boor, but certainly not a bore!

The jokes above were taken from a Bernie Shine collection on Huffington Post. I touched some of them up, here and there, but the credit goes to him if he created them originally.―Michael R. Burch

Trump's son Eric is also a budding stand-up comedian:

Wine is incredibly sexy.
[Do you spend a lot of time French kissing and licking it?]
Bragging about sexual assault is "what happens when alpha personalities are in the same presence."
[Perhaps they had too much sexy wine?]
Why did Donald Trump run for president? According to Eric: "He sees the tree on the White House lawn has been renamed 'Holiday tree' instead of 'Christmas tree!' I could go on and on for hours!"
[Yes, we're sure than you could go on for hours and hours, but this is conspiracy theory that is simply not true. No one has renamed the tree. The Trumps should learn to fact check, after they learn the advantages of reading actual news from publications that verify what they print, rather than neo-Nazi websites and Twitter feeds.]
Donald Trump accused Hillary Clinton of starting the birther controversy, but Eric Trump praised his dad for "starting the conversation" about where Barack Obama was born.
[Well, perhaps young Eric the Red has finally gotten something right!]
He's gone from just about nothing into a man!
[Ah, but a casino application shows that Donald Trump owed his father and his father's businesses around $14 million. And his father jointly secured $70 million for one of The Donald's first big building projects, a Hyatt hotel. Since when is $84 million "just about nothing"? And this doesn't include the money that Donald Trump inherited from his grandmother, who founded the original Trump company, or his father, who left an estate estimated at $250-$300 million. Hell, when Donald Trump had a newspaper route as a boy, if it rained he was given a limo and a driver! He owned apartments and was collecting rents while attending school. No, he was far from a self-made man.]
He's epitomized what America's all about!
[Oh really? Is America all about racism, chauvinism, intolerance, stiffing contractors, barging into dressing rooms to ogle teenage girls, groping women's genitals, lying like a dog, and bragging about the size of one's genitals in public while children are watching an important debate?]
I really like "Humble Trump."
[But of course Donald Trump is the antithesis of "humble." When he proposed the Secret Service code name "Humble," he was being humorous and poking fun at himself. Eric Trump must be dumber than a box of rocks or in deep denial if he thinks his father has ever really been humble.]

More Bonus Tracks

News organizations simply are not equipped to cover a candidate whose entire being is a lie. — Samantha Bee
Donald Trump is the weak man's vision of a strong man.—Charles Cooke
Donald Trump has done so much damage to the New York Skyline, that instead of calling him "The Donald," they should call him the 20th hijacker.—Gilbert Godfried
Question: If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have? Answer: The Trump Card.―Anonymous
Nearly 70 percent of Americans said a Trump presidency would make them "anxious." And 30 percent said a Trump presidency would make them "Canadian."―Conan O’Brien
Donald Trump, you've ruined more models' lives than bulimia. You've disappointed more women than Sex and the City 2.―Lisa Lampanelli
Finally, a leader who talks to other countries the way they deserve: like a bookie from Staton Island.―Lewis Black
Donald Trump told supporters he'd like to punch protesters in the face. Though he looks more like the kind of guy who would stroke a white cat while somebody else punched you in the face.—Seth Meyers
Donald Trump really has egg on his face now. Which pairs nicely with the hash browns on the top of his head.—James Corden
NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.―Sam Biederman, a NYC Parks Dept. spokesperson, discussing an under-endowed statue of Trump in the nude
Donald Trump likes to sue people. He should sue whoever did that to his face.—Marco Rubio aka "Rubio the Unready"
Analysts say Hillary Clinton's plan to defeat Donald Trump involves painting Trump as 'dangerous and bigoted.' She plans on doing this by quoting Trump accurately.—Conan O'Brien
Trump may be the greatest gift to comedians since the invention of the mother-in-law joke. — Richard Zoglin in a cover article for TIME
To call Trump a con man, as many have, is a disservice to the art of the con. By its definition a con requires deceit. But Trump has not tried to hide his lies or the sheer unrealistic audacity of his cartoonish policy positions.—Dan Rather
After Donald Trump pledged to debate Bernie Sanders, then reneged, the hashtags #DonaldDucked and #ChickenTrump began to circulate, along with a new joke: "Of course Donald Trump backed out of the debate. Chickens have always been afraid of men named Sanders!"

"I'm confused by Republican politicians who still support Donald Trump. Marco Rubio is one of those people. How does that work? How can you call him a con artist, and dangerous, and object to all the controversial things he says and then say, 'But I'm still gonna vote for him?' C'mon, man!"President Barack Obama

Garrison Keillor has good advice for Trump, and a warning: I worry about Donald Trump. What is he going to do? He has damaged his brand. The steaks, ties, home furnishings, fragrances, whiskey, resorts, condos, golf club memberships – when you associate yourself with white supremacy, male chauvinism and invincible ignorance, this is not smart marketing. He can’t go back to the tower. Manhattan is about 83 percent Democratic. Why live among people who don’t appreciate you and ride around in a black limo with smoked-glass windows through crowds of pedestrians giving you the finger? It’s no way to live. Does the man have friends? Or only associates? This is the big question. Is Sean really and truly his friend? Or Howard? Or Rudy? Do they go out for lunch and tell jokes about the two blondes who went to the drive-in theater in February to see "Closed for the Season"? I doubt this. He should pick up his traps and move to Nebraska. He is leading in Nebraska, about 2-to-1. There are wonderful warmhearted people there who love and admire him, so he would fit right in. Look at Broken Bow, a town of 4,000 on Highway 2 in Custer County. He could get a nice 3BR there for $150K. There’s a municipal airport, a hospital. The restaurants are good if you like beef. You can play golf from May through September and after that you can use a fluorescent orange ball and play in the snow. He’d be far away from The New York Times. He could make Broken Bow great, put marble floors and walls in the public school, put up a marble statue of George Armstrong Custer. He could attend a good evangelical church every Sunday and go to Bible reading Wednesday night, where maybe he can learn more about those two Corinthians. He’d need to be careful about touching women suddenly without permission, though, because many of them are armed. If he grabbed one, she might cut him to ribbons. Even if she were a Christian.  

My Personal Stash (of Donald Trump Jokes and Political Jokes)

Thanks to politicians like George W. Bush, Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann and Donald Trump, we now have a duh-mock-racy.Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump is absolutely, 100% correct that the election has been rigged ... he rigged it against himself every time he opened his mouth.―Michael R. Burch
The Trump children aren't all right, they're ALT-right.―Michael R. Burch
You can scare the hell out of The Donald this Halloween ... just show up at his penthouse as his worst nightmare: a living dead voter!―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump is an equal-opportunity insulter. He has insulted 6 countries, 281 individuals, the body and blood of Jesus Christ, and God Almighty by claiming that  he alone never needs to ask forgiveness.―Michael R. Burch
When Donald Trump becomes president, the West Wing of the White House will be reserved for his main priorities: ogling ass, honking boobs and groping pussy.―Michael R. Burch
The GOP has finally figured out how to influence the Hispanic vote ... by nominating The Donald! Now yuge numbers will vote in November!―Michael R. Burch
At long last, Donald Trump finally told the truth about something! During the second presidential debate with Hillary Clinton, he admitted: "I know nothing about Russia."―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump just announced that he will meet with Mr. Putin before being sworn in, to receive his marching orders.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump's frequent sniffling during the debates can be easily explained: he's allergic to facts.―Michael R. Burch
According to Donald Trump and his supporters the long-dreaded Taco Takeover has already begun. White supremacists will be helpless because they love tacos! #TacoOnEveryCorner
Holy Apocalypse, Batman! The Trump robot is held together with orange glue and bobby pins, but people are still lining up to vote for it for president! Is there any hope for the world?
Never fear, Boy Wonder! According to the Bat Computer, the American public will be saved by its diversity. The Trump-Bot has not fooled women, minorities, LGBTs or people with higher educations!
With his nomination Donald Trump just became the "face of Republican party." So it's time to change the party's nickname to something more accurate: Goofy Old Pumbaas.―Michael R. Burch
Trump tries to come off as a strong man at his rallies, but he seems more like the guy stroking a white cat while other people administer the beatings.―Michael R. Burch
Ivanka Trump has the hardest job in the world. She's going to work on her father's image. That's like climbing Mt. Everest in stiletto heels and stockings.―Michael R. Burch
Ann Coulter has decided to become a stand-up comedian. Her first joke? She said that choosing Mike Pence was Donald Trump's "first mistake."―Michael R. Burch
Ben Carson claims that he hates political correctness. That makes perfect sense because he has yet to say anything correct about politics.―Michael R. Burch
Trump just gave Americans a foretaste of his presidency; rather than offering real money to Louisiana flood victims, he handed out Play-Doh.―Michael R. Burch
Samsung and Trump have the same problem: too many meltdowns and explosions.―Michael R. Burch
At last! It all makes perfect sense! The Donald has been auditioning for the role of his life, on The Presidential Apprentice!―Michael R. Burch
Now that Trump's tiny fingers have finally been unshackled, he is pressing the red self-destruct button for all he's worth.―Michael R. Burch
The hacker group Anonymous has declared unremitting war on Trump after he body-shamed them as "somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds."―Michael R. Burch
Paul Ryan just admitted what many of us have suspected for years: the GOP is a "big tent party." He freely admits that the party he chairs is a three-ring circus featuring a parade of Bozos.―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump has baby hands
and a teeny-tiny peenie;
is that the reason The Donald acts
like such an enormous weenie?
To make America great,
he'll overcompensate!
―Michael R. Burch

Ted Cruz said that he refuses to be a "servile puppy" to Donald Trump, implying that many other people are, after which they howled and barked him off the stage.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump says he’s taking the gloves off, after being harshly criticized during the Democratic convention. But that will expose his stubby little baby fingers to the elements, and just make him grumpier.―Michael R. Burch
The Brits have a defunct coin called the "tuppence" (two pence). The Donald will soon issue a similarly useless American two-cent piece, the "Trumpence."―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump's new campaign song will be "Kiss Me (Orange Ass)" to be performed by Trumpence None The Richer.―Michael R. Burch
Orange is the new fool's gold; it is being sold daily to gullible buyers on Faux News.―Michael R. Burch
It's no accident that Trump U was given that name. It's an abbreviation of The Donald's personal slogan: "My purpose in life is to trump you suckers!"―Michael R. Burch
Like pervy father, like pervy son. Eric Trump turned up the creep factor on Fox News when he said that his sister Ivanka should be his father's running mate because she's "got the beautiful looks!"―Michael R. Burch

Sean Penn, the actor turned activist, says that after first supporting Bernie Sanders, he will now be backing Hillary Clinton over Donald Trump in the 2016 presidential election. Penn accused Trump of "masturbatory populism" which he defined as "an opportunity for one man to have a group celebration of his own narcissism." Penn sounded like a prophet when news reports broke about Trump using the aliases "John Barron" and "John Miller" to brag about his financial and sexual exploits to unsuspecting reporters (who nonetheless quickly caught on to Trump's absurd game). In 1990, Trump confirmed using one of the aliases, testifying in a court case that "I believe on occasion I used that name." And the name "John Baron" or "John Barron" makes sense, as Trump's middle name is "John" and he used the code name "The Baron" when leaving messages for his mistress Marla Maples while still married to his first wife Ivana. When he and his third wife Melania had a son, they named him Barron.

Donald Trump Plays the Male Victim Card

At a campaign rally in Spokane, Washington a suddenly timid Donald Trump unveiled his meek-and-mild new strategy for confronting Hillary Clinton: "All of the men, we're petrified to speak to women anymore. We may raise our voice," he said. "You know what? The women get it better than we do folks. They get it better than we do. If she didn't play that card, she has nothing." Well, it certainly sounds like she has more than The Donald, whose campaign theme song should be "I Who Have Nothing."

Trump's Political Battle Plan was Revealed in 1998

Now we know why Donald Trump loves the "poorly educated" so much. According to various sources, Trump revealed his "battle plan" for winning the presidency during a 1998 interview: "If I were to run, I'd run as a Republican. They're the dumbest group of voters in the country. They believe anything on Fox News. I could lie and they'd still eat it up. I bet my numbers would be terrific."

Top Ten Donald Trump Hashtags

#DumpTrump
#NeverTrump
#AntiTrump and #Trump666
#BatTrump @Marvel "Superman's not a hero. I like heroes whose planets haven't exploded."
#Trumplebrags
#PeriodsAreNotAnInsult but your hair is
#ImNotACriminal but mass deportation is
#WhenTrumpIsElected there will be hot ass in the White House
#FlashInThePan hair today gone tomorrow
#HeidiTrumpsTrump #BeautyIsInTheEyeOfTheBeheld

Honorable mention: #Trumpnado #TrumpSucks #TrumpBible #Trump #DonaldTrump

Trump Unveils New Campaign Strategy

Donald Trump has unveiled a new "campaign strategy," such as it is:

(1) His campaign is broke with no money to run lie-filled negative ads smearing Hillary Clinton, and Trump is not willing to invest his own money, so he will beg funds from the RNC and big-money donors, making him in his own words "bought and paid for" and a "slave" of the people with money.

(2) To avoid being called a loser if he loses, "He's going to blame it on the RNC if he doesn't win in November," a source said. "They're laying that groundwork now.

Donald Trump's Tax Returns

Donald Trump continues to refuse to disclose his tax returns, claiming that an IRS audit "prevents" him from doing so. But that makes no sense, because companies routinely divulge unaudited financial information, then update the information when the audits are complete. And Trump could obviously release tax returns for periods that are not being audited. Why would Trump refuse to release any of his tax returns? Rather obvious reasons might be that (1) his income on his tax returns is much lower than what he has claimed publicly, proving him a liar; (2) the notoriously stingy Trump many not have donated much or any money to the vets and 9-11 responders that he claims to love so much; (3)
he may have donated large sums of money to the Clintons and other Democrats; (4) he may have donated money to Planned Parenthood and other organizations out of favor with Republicans; and (5) there may be information linking him to the Panama Papers and/or other tax dodges.

Excerpts from "Donald Trump Hates Women" by Franklin Foer

[Donald Trump] was the archetypal brat. His father, himself a successful real estate developer, endlessly expressed a belief in his son’s greatness. "You are a king," his father would tell Donald, according to his biographer Michael D’Antonio. His son took that to mean he could set his own rules. In elementary school, he gave one teacher he didn’t like a black eye; others were pelted with erasers. At birthday parties, he would fling cake. [At the New York Military Academy] Trump would tear off the sheets of boys who didn’t make their beds properly; he would laugh while his classmates spoke, putting them in their place.  

But Trump’s primary method for asserting dominance was sex. The school’s yearbook—the perfectly named Shrapnel—anointed him the official "ladies man" of the class. He began his lifelong practice of advertising his bedroom exploits as a means of demonstrating his authority over the rest of the locker room. Decades later, he’s still trumpeting his sexual exploits. When Tucker Carlson once mocked him on air, Trump called the pundit and left a voicemail: "It’s true you have better hair than I do. But I get more pussy than you do."  

Trump relishes judging women on the basis of their looks, which he seems to believe amounts to the sum of their character. Such boasting is an essential part of his patter. In 2001, he phoned into The Howard Stern Show to discuss his feats of cuckoldry. The occasion for the call was the guest appearance of a gossip columnist from the Daily News named A.J. Benza, who was shilling for his book, Fame, Ain’t It a Bitch. The tome included the admission that Benza’s girlfriend had left him for Trump. Most men who would go on to become major-party nominees would have run in the other direction from such a spectacle; Trump couldn’t resist. "I’ve been successful with your girlfriend, I’ll tell you that," Trump told Stern’s audience. "While you were getting onto the plane to go to California thinking that she was your girlfriend, she was some place that you wouldn’t have been very happy with." It was characteristic bit of braggadocio. As he wrote in The Art of the Comeback: "If I told the real stories of my experiences with women, often seemingly very happily married and important women, this book would be a guaranteed best-seller." It’s an entirely Darwinian view, where the alpha male has his pick of females, both as a perk and a means of flexing his power over lesser men. It’s the mindset that made his assertion of his penis size in a national debate almost an imperative—if he let the attack on his manhood slide, his entire edifice might crumble.

The Ten Most Frightening Things about Donald Trump

(1) Donald Trump wants Saudi Arabia to have nuclear weapons. Has he ever heard of a coup? Has he forgotten that Osama bin Laden and most of the 9-11 conspirators were Saudis? Trump has even cited a classified 9-11 Commission report that, according to him, links Saudi Arabia to the 9-11 attacks. Is he insane?
(2) Donald Trump has called women "pigs," "dogs," "disgusting animals" and "bimbos." Now he wants to punish women for having abortions, but not men involved in making the decision. Is he a chauvinist?
(3) Donald Trump wants to deport and ban millions of Hispanics and Muslims, in effect creating an American holocaust with enormous detention/concentration camps. Is he a fascist?
(4) Donald Trump refuses to condemn the KKK and sounds like a Grand Wizard himself. He talks about "the blacks" like a plantation owner and calls undocumented Hispanics "rapists." Is he a racist?
(5) Donald Trump seems eager to torture people and to force American soldiers to track down and "take out" women and children. Is he a sadist and unfit to be commander-in-chief?
(6) Donald Trump says he wants to be "unpredictable" and won't rule out attacking China over trade disagreements, or using nukes in Europe. Is he a warmonger?
(7) Donald Trump says he will change libel laws to no longer protect the media. He bullies and evicts protesters. Does he believe in freedom of speech, freedom of dissent, freedom of the press?
(8) Donald Trump doesn't believe in climate change, vaccinations, or the opinions of experts on many other subjects. Is he a nut? How many people will he kill through sheer stupidity?
(9) Donald Trump changed his opinion on abortion seven times in two days (see "More Waffles, Please!" below). Is he a waffling know-nothing?
(10) Donald Trump listens only to himself: "I'm speaking with myself, number one, because I have a very good brain and I've said a lot of things." Is he "smart," or a blathering bozo?

Presidential Election Campaign Jokes NOT about Donald Trump (Yes, Some Do Actually Exist!)



Rafael Eduardo "Ted" Cruz is a Cuban-Canadian lounge act: a creepy Liberace impersonator who hopes to steal the American presidency for a song (your vote).―Michael R. Burch
Hey Cruz! You don't like N.Y. values? Go back to Canada! Drop dead, Ted!―The Statue of Liberty, giving Ted Cruz the middle finger, on the cover of the New York Daily News
People are questioning if Ted Cruz can legally run for president because he was born in Canada. And the last thing we want to do is pave the way for a President Bieber!―Conan O'Brien
Senator Ted Cruz was born in Canada, so while we were worried about Iran, China, and North Korea, a Canadian shut down the U.S. government. Well played, Canada!―Seth Meyers
Ted Cruz is obviously Castro's Revenge for the Bay of Pigs. Now Cruz hopes to become El Presidente of the United States. Well played, Cuba!―Michael R. Burch
Ted Cruz is clinging to Trump like a limpet to an oil tanker, hoping to suck up his votes when Trump eventually sinks.―Bobby Jindal
Ted Cruz was "widely loathed" in college. Being loathed is his "superpower."―Craig Mazin, who roomed with Cruz when they were college freshmen
Now the entire nation can experience my noxious freshman year dorm room experience.―Craig Mazin
Ted Cruz has compared his denial of climate change to the intellectual courage of Galileo. Someone should probably remind him that Galileo turned out to be correct.―Michael R. Burch
We have Donald Trump, Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham all running for president. It's part of the Republican plan to make Jeb Bush look presidential.―David Letterman
Maybe Ted Cruz is the leader that America needs. He's the first person in recent memory who's been able to unite people of both parties, in their hatred of him.―Trevor Noah
Think how strange it is: Ted Cruz picked a vice president. That doesn’t make sense, because serial killers always work alone.—Larry Wilmore
Sarah Palin just guaranteed Trump the evangelical vote, by speaking in tongues!―Stephen Colbert
Sarah Palin is the original Material Girl [because she provides comics with such great material].―Stephen Colbert
Marco Rubio missed another Senate vote because he had one event in a row in Iowa―a record-setting breakneck pace for Marco.―Rick Tyler
Marco! Dude, show up to work!―Chris Christie
Ben Carson rejects evolution! As evidence that God did not allow humans to evolve, he offers George W. Bush, Sarah Palin, Ted Cruz and of course himself.―Michael R. Burch
Ben Carson stated that homosexuality is a choice, but "unfortunately for him, so are elections."SNL's Michael Che
John Boehner called Ted Cruz "Lucifer in the flesh." The Prince of Darkness immediately issued a rebuttal, pointing out that no fictional character is as creepy as Cruz.―Michael R. Burch
Ted Cruz is really desperate now: he just brought Carly Fiorina on board his sinking ship. But I think Carly's Cruz is likely to be a brief one.―Michael R. Burch
Yes, the Republican presidential candidates are clowns, but if we elect one of them the joke will be on U.S.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump has promised to make America great again. Ted Cruz, on the other hand, has already made America grate again.―Michael R. Burch

More Election Jokes

Wow. Trump's an asshole, but he's honest. Yeah. He's honestly an asshole.―Trevor Noah
"Morning Joe" has their head so far up Trump’s ass they bumped into Chris Christie.—Larry Wilmore
Donald Trump said that he was running for president as a Republican. That's funny, because I thought he was running as a joke.―Seth Meyers
Putting Donald Trump in charge of our military would be like making a juvenile delinquent the Dean of Harvard.—Michael R. Burch
I can’t understand why everyone treats Donald Trump with kid gloves. And then I realized they’re the only gloves that’ll fit his stupid, little baby hands.—Larry Wilmore
What Flubber was to physics, Trump is to politics: an antidote to gravity, cooked up by a quirky but prodigious amateur.―David Von Drehle, TIME cover article, January 18, 2016
If Donald Trump becomes president, let's be honest and rename his plane Air Farce One, since the United States will have become an international joke.―Elizabeth Harris Burch
The Donald claims to be a tough guy but is yugely afraid of "cooties"―Hillary's urine, Megyn's period, mothers' breast-milk, even Marco's innocuous beads of sweat.—Michael R. Burch
Ted Cruz is half Canadian and half Cuban. He has the wit of Justin Bieber combined with the people skills of Scarface.―Bill Maher
Republican Ted Cruz announced that he will run for president in 2016. So finally, Carnival is no longer the most dangerous cruise in America.―Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday presidential candidate Ted Cruz said that he will in fact be signing up for Obamacare despite saying earlier that he wants to repeal every word of it.―Jimmy Fallon 
It's a good thing he's signing up, because Cruz just went to the hospital in hypocritical condition.―Jimmy Fallon
Ted Cruz wants to abolish the IRS and repeal "every single word" of Obamacare. He also wants to part the Red Sea, date the Abominable Snowman, and jump over the moon.―Michael R. Burch
Ted Cruz isn't crazy; he's much worse. He does awful things by intelligent design.―Jeb Lund, in Rolling Stone
"First we say, you can't come into this country until I see you eat bacon while singing a Christmas carol!"SNL's parody of Carson after he said only Christian refugees should be allowed to enter the US
"Ben Carson's complete ineptitude makes you long for the days of 'Uz-beki-beki-stan-stan,"" said an Iowa Republican, referring to a disastrous Herman Cain interview four years ago.
"Carson is so clueless," said an Iowa GOP insider, "he thinks the Kurds are a special kind of Wisconsin cheese."
Ted Cruz released a presidential campaign video in Spanish. Cruz explained, "It's important for me to reach out to the people I'm trying to deport."―Conan O'Brien
Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are political mutants, X-Men. They share the same mysterious superpower: to make previously unthinkable candidates seem acceptable.―Michael R. Burch
If you are a true conservative. Don’t vote for Trump. He is not one of you. He is one of him. He is playing you.―Louis C. K.

Best Jokes Told by President Barack Obama

"Some folks still don’t think I spend enough time with Congress. ‘Why don’t you get a drink with Mitch McConnell?’ they ask. Really? Why don’t you get a drink with Mitch McConnell?!"
On how history will view his presidency: "Michele Bachmann actually predicted that I would bring about the biblical end of days. Now, that’s a legacy. That’s big. I mean, Lincoln, Washington, they didn’t do that."
On his relationship with Vice President Joe Biden: "We’ve gotten so close that in some places in Indiana they won’t serve us pizza anymore." 
"MSNBC is here. They’re a little overwhelmed. They’ve never seen an audience this big before."
"Let’s face it, Fox, you’ll miss me when I’m gone. It will be harder to convince the American people that Hillary was born in Kenya."
"People keep pointing out how the presidency has aged me. I look so old John Boehner’s already invited Benjamin Netanyahu to speak at my funeral."
"Galileo believed the Earth revolves around the sun. Ted Cruz believes the Earth revolves around Ted Cruz."
On Democratic 2016 front-runner Hillary Clinton: "I have one friend, just a few weeks ago she was making millions of dollars a year and she’s now living out of a van in Iowa."
On presidential long-shot Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vermont): "Some folks really want to see a pot-smoking socialist in the White House. We could get a third Obama term after all." 
Donald Trump may have an advantage in closing Guantanamo Bay because of Trump's experience "running waterfront properties into the ground."
His dispute with Trump "dates back to when we were growing up in Kenya. We had constant run-ins on the soccer field, he wasn't very good and resented it. When we finally moved to America, I thought it would be over."
"Donald Trump is here tonight. Now I know that he’s taken some flak lately. But no one is happier—no one is prouder—to put this birth certificate matter to rest than The Donald. And that’s because he can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter: Like, did we fake the moon landing? What really happened in Roswell? And where are Biggie and Tupac?"
"In an episode of Celebrity Apprentice, at the steakhouse, the men’s cooking team did not impress the judges from Omaha Steaks. And there was a lot of blame to go around, but you, Mr. Trump, recognized that the real problem was a lack of leadership, and so ultimately you didn’t blame Lil Jon or Meat Loaf, you fired Gary Busey. And these are the kinds of decisions that would keep me up at night."

The Best Republican Campaign Slogans

The newest and most accurate Republican campaign slogan seems to be "Dump Trump: Lose with Cruz!"
Then there's this golden oldie, a favorite of white supremacists everywhere: "Make America hate again!"
This one's a favorite of the holly rollers: "We are taking our country back ... to the Dark Ages!"
This slogan has been endorsed by the NRA: "Please just let us cling to our God and our Guns, and don't bother use with facts!"
The Koch brothers provided this one: "The best government a Super PAC can buy."

The Ten Most Frightening Things about the Republican Party

(1) The GOP's two frontrunners for president are a know-nothing buffoon, Donald Trump, and a human cobra, Ted Cruz.
(2) All the GOP presidential candidates want to play God and force teenage girls to bear children they don't want, are not prepared to raise, and can't afford.
(3) All the Republican presidential candidates either deny the evidence of global warming or resist initiatives to address it. 
(4) All the Republican presidential candidates favor more tax breaks for the richest Americans, meaning that the other 99% will have to shoulder more of the tax burden as they grow poorer and poorer.
(5) The GOP as a party denies the need for marriage equality, pay equality and potty parity.
(6) All the Republican presidential candidates want to favor the Christian religion, which means disfavoring other religions and non-religions.
(7) All the Republican presidential candidates reject the Iran peace deal, meaning that we risk another unwinnable war fought on the same false premises as the war with Iraq: WMDs that don't exist and couldn't be used if they did.
(8) All the Republican presidential candidates reject Affordable Healthcare (Obamacare) but offer nothing to replace it but empty rhetoric.
(9) All the Republican presidential candidates pander to the NRA and refuse to consider sane gun control laws to protect innocent children.
(10) All the Republican presidential candidates are backward-looking on race, sex, sexual preference, science, unions, religious tolerance, and separation of church and state. 

Donald Trump's Plan to Punish Women Makes Perfect Sense ...

Donald Trump's plan to punish women who have abortions makes perfect sense ... if abortion is "murder." Unfortunately, it seems no one bothered to advise Trump that the GOP doesn't really believe that abortion is murder, or there would be no exceptions for rape, incest, pregnancies in the first 20 weeks, or the mother's health being endangered. So why does the GOP pretend to believe that abortion is a crime? For two very bad reasons. First, to get votes from dumbed-down voters who ignore the evidence of science and insist that unviable fertilized eggs have "souls" from the moment of conception. (Never ask why so many pregnancies are aborted by nature; if God Almighty murders fetuses, that is hunky-dory and not a crime!) Second, the GOP is led by chauvinists determined to "keep women in their proper place." Male chauvinists believe that a woman's proper place is barefoot, pregnant and obedient to men, God and nature. Male chauvinists do not like uppity women ("feminazis") who take their health and sex lives into their own hands!

How Not to "Win"

Donald Trump’s campaign has been accused of incompetency for losing delegates in states that he won by substantial margins. But things hit a new low when the Trumpster revealed that his campaign can't even secure the support of his own family! "They had a long time [to] register and they were, you know, unaware of the rules, and they didn't, they didn't register in time," Trump told Fox & Friends, explaining that Eric and Ivanka Trump would not be voting to make America great again in New York’s April 19 primary. "So they feel very, very guilty." Trump then said that he was considering an adjustment in Eric and Ivanka’s allowances.

Flip Washington a Giant Dodo Bird!

According to Haley Barbour, former Mississippi governor and Republican National Committee chairman, some vexed voters say, "'I'm mad as hell and I want to send Washington the bird,' and Donald Trump is the greatest manifestation of a gigantic middle finger that I've ever seen."

More Waffles, Please!

After insisting that it is absolutely necessary to ban all Muslims until "we figure out what's going on," Donald Trump waffled and told MSNBC's Chris Matthews there would be "exceptions" for his rich Muslim friends. Of course rich Muslims never do anything wrong ... Osama bin Laden, for instance. After claiming that nuclear proliferation is his number one concern, Trump said that Saudi Arabia should be allowed to develop nukes. But Osama bin Laden and most of the 9-11 conspirators and attackers were Saudis. Has Trump ever heard of a coup? Has he flipped his lid, or did he ever have one in the first place?

Trump took seven different "waffling" positions on abortion in 48 hours: (1) First, he tried to evade the question. (2) Then he said women must be punished for having abortions. (3) He then said that men should not be punished for abortions, even though they are often the ones putting pressure on pregnant girls and women to have them. (4) Trump then said the issue was "unclear" and the question of punishment should be left to the states. (5) Later, he said the women were "victims" and their doctors should be punished instead. (6) Next, Trump said that he supported existing abortion laws which should not be changed. (7) Finally, his campaign tried to bail him out by saying that the laws would stay the same until President Trump appointed judges who would then "change the law." Neither Trump nor his campaign seem to understand that laws are changed by Congress, not judges! Or does Trump favor activist judges who ignore the will of the people and the law as it is written, to rule by fiat? In any case, Trump appears to be pro-choice, or, more correctly, pro-multiple-choice.

Etch-a-Sketch Campaigns Unfold ... Only to Fold?

Donald Trump is quite obviously trying to run an Etch-a-Sketch campaign, in which he will morph into a "more presidential" candidate in order to appeal to voters with functional brains. But Trump is greatly hampered by his inability to control his motor-mouth, and his tone-deafness to common decency. It's hard to imagine Trump not acting like a truant tyke whenever he doesn't get what he wants immediately. Terrible Ted Cruz will also attempt an Etch-a-Sketch reset of his campaign, but he is so slimy, smarmy and detestable that he will may find it impossible to woo millions of undecideds into voting for him.

The Sleaze Squeeze Is On

The sleaze squeeze is on. Donald Trump has the most votes, but it seems the GOP elite will deny him the nomination. But the GOP elite hate Ted Cruz as much as they hate Donald Trump. Will they double-cross both Trump and Cruz? Will the nomination go to John Kasich, Bishop Willard Mitt Romney, Lyin' Paul Ryan, or some other name they pull out of a hat?

Donald Trump: Zombie Candidate?

Is Donald Trump the Republican party's Zombie candidate: damaged, brain-dead, lurching about wildly, but unstoppable and with an insatiable appetite to devour everything in its path? Trump is unacceptable to large majorities of women, people of color, Hispanics, voters under 30, and those with college degrees. In other words, the voters who represent the country’s demographic future. All view him unfavorably by a 2-1 ratio, according to a recent New York Times/CBS News poll. "There is no precedent for this," said Neil Newhouse, a veteran Republican pollster. "In the modern polling era, since around World War II, there hasn’t been a more unpopular potential presidential nominee than Donald Trump." But unfortunately for the GOP, Trump's closest competitor, Terrible Ted Cruz, has been called "the most loathed man in American politics."

Playing the Ultimate Trump Card: Nukes

First, Donald Trump said that as president he would command American soldiers to track down and "take out" the families of terrorists: not because they pose any threat to Americans, but in acts of "retribution." But of course deliberately murdering women and children is evil, a war crime, and extremely bad military strategy. No American general has suggested such grotesque operations, nor would  American soldiers obey such heinous orders. Then Trump said that he wants to be "unpredictable" and won't rule out an attack on China. Trump has also talked about abandoning our NATO and SEATO allies. Just let other nations have nukes, he says. But what if some crazy dictator rises to power and is unfriendly to the free world and the United States? We could end up facing more nations like North Korea, each threatening the world with destruction if they can't have their way. Now, like a demented Dr. Strangelove, Trump says that he won't rule out using nukes in Europe and the Middle East. He seems to be growing crazier by the minute. In the ever-escalating madness of Donald Trump, he claims to be more concerned about nuclear proliferation than anything else, then talks idly about using nukes and letting more countries acquire them, including Japan, South Korea, and Saudi Arabia. Saudi Arabia seems like a particularly bad idea, with Mecca being a focal point of Islamic jihadists and the country being controlled by a close-knit group of royals who have been accused of funding and evangelizing an extremist version of Islam. Most of the 9-11 attackers and conspirators were Saudis, including Osama bin Laden. Do we really want them to have nukes? The Donald certainly does ...

ANDERSON COOPER: Saudi Arabia, nuclear weapons?
DONALD TRUMP: Saudi Arabia, absolutely.

"Catastrophically Foolish"

Donald Trump claims to be a military genius but Ted Cruz called the real estate tycoon's plans for NATO "catastrophically foolish." Speaking on Fox News with Chris Wallace, Cruz said Trump was "out of his depth." He continued, "Abandoning Europe, withdrawing from the most successful military alliance of modern times, it makes no sense at all. It would hand a massive victory to (Russian President Vladimir) Putin, [and] a massive victory to ISIS." However, Cruz is also catastrophically foolish, since he said that if he were elected president, his approach to ISIS would be to "carpet bomb them into oblivion." American generals and other military experts have pointed out that carpet bombing is very foolish, and a war crime.

The Mad Carpet Bombers

According to Ted "the Mad Carpet Bomber" Cruz, if we elect him, "We will have a president who would make clear we will utterly destroy ISIS. ... We will carpet bomb them into oblivion." Cruz seems to favor carpet-bombing parts of Iraq and Syria with nukes, as he said that he would "carpet bomb" to see if the sand will "glow" at night, in some sort of macabre joke. Here is what a real expert, Major General Robert Scales, the former head of the U.S. War College, has to say on the subject: "Mr. Cruz is a lawyer and a foreign-policy neophyte. Anyone with any understanding of military strategy knows that 'carpet-bombing' is a term used by amateurs trying to sound tough. Indiscriminate bombing has never been a military strategy, and it would be senseless in an age of 'smart' weaponry and precise targeting. In Syria and Iraq, mass bombing would kill hundreds of innocent civilians and fuel radicalization. That's why military leaders utter the term 'carpet-bomb' only while laughing at Mr. Cruz. That's just another one of those phrases that people with no military experience throw around. America has never carpet-bombed anyone at any time because that's not our doctrine." In my opinion it's hard to laugh at Creepy Ted Cruz. His gallows humor about carpet bombing with nukes certainly suits him, because he looks like death warmed over, and his policies are. As a friend of mine pointed out this about carpet bombing: "The general is right but understating matters a bit. It would be not only senseless, it would be brutal, merciless, and murderous in the extreme." Donald Trump also seems to be a fan of indiscriminate bombing. Once can almost feel the glee in their voices as the Cruz Controller and the Trump of Doom brag about how many people they are willing to kill to "make America great again." Defense Secretary Ashton Carter and the Vice Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Gen. Paul Selva, later assessed and addressed Mr. Cruz's grotesque prescription. The wanton bombing Mr. Cruz repeatedly refers to, General Selva said, is categorically "not the way that we apply force in combat. It isn't now, nor will it ever be."

Trump Torture Quotes

Trump on waterboarding. "I think it's great but I don't think we go far enough!" [Great, really?]
"I would bring back waterboarding and I'd bring back a hell of a lot worse than waterboarding." [Thumbscrews? The Rack?]
"Waterboarding would be fine. If they can expand the laws, I would do a lot more than waterboarding," Trump said on NBC's "Today" program.
"Don't tell me it doesn't work. Torture works, OK folks? I think we should go much stronger than waterboarding, that's the way I feel." 
"Would I approve waterboarding? You bet your ass I would. In a heartbeat. I would approve more than that. It works. Only a stupid person would say it doesn't work." 
"And if it doesn't work, they deserve it anyway for what they do to us."

What other more extreme forms of torture is Trump so anxious to bring back? The CIA's discontinued ​"enhanced interrogation" program employed sleep deprivation, waterboarding, sexual humiliation, mock executions, threats to kill the children of prisoners, and other harsh techniques. It turned out that some of the people tortured were not terrorists, and had no information to give.

Points to Ponder: Trump has made it abundantly clear that as president he would go far beyond waterboarding. He sounds anxious to get started, just as he sounded anxious to "take out" widows and orphans. He seems like a sick puppy to me. Should our soldiers rape and behead people, because ISIS does such things? Or should we hold ourselves to a higher standard? At the end of World War II, German soldiers would retreat from the Russian front to surrender to Americans because they knew Americans would not torture them. Do we want to sacrifice our nation's honor and reputation because of the fear and cowardice of someone like Donald John Trump? Trump has called senior members of our military and intelligence services "stupid" because they have pointed out that torture does not produce reliable information. People being tortured will say anything to make the torture stop. A 2014 inquiry conducted by the Senate found "enhanced interrogation techniques" like waterboarding to be brutal and ineffective. Trump's "stupid people" include FBI interrogation expert Ali Soufan and Jennifer Bryson, who was an interrogator at Guantanamo Bay. Bryson said: "Torture is antithetical to effective intelligence collection. Torture is not just ineffective; it is counter-effective." She went on to explain that torture results in false information being provided to stop the pain, whereas gaining honest information requires the interrogator to appeal to the humanity of the person being questioned, and build a rapport. John McCain, who spent five years as a prisoner of war in Vietnam and was tortured, giving him first-hand experience, sternly criticized Trump and Cruz for their campaign rhetoric: "It is clear to me that this practice, which is a simulated execution by drowning, amounts to torture as a reasonable person would define it." One huge problem with Trump and Cruz is that their oversized egos leave them unable to see and understand their own limitations. Carpet bombing is evil, a war crime, and bad military strategy. Torture is evil, a war crime and counter-productive. They should listen to the experts, but they only listen to themselves. Trump is a real estate salesman. Cruz is a lawyer. They have no business being commander-in-chief of our military and intelligence services.

Trump Triumphant

What would happen to the United States if Donald Trump were to be elected president and actually do the things he has promised to do? On the positive side, if one likes ballroom dancing, there will be a $100 million Trump Grand Ballroom addition to the White House. On the negative side? Well, just imagine a deranged racist and fascist like Adolph Hitler, with the nuclear codes.

The Donald Scolded for Being Childish

Anderson Cooper: After saying you were going to spill the beans about Heidi Cruz, you retweeted an unflattering picture of her next to a picture of your wife.
Donald Trump: I thought it was a nice picture of Heidi. I thought it was fine.
Cooper: Come on!
Trump: I thought it was fine. She's a pretty woman. [Trump is obviously lying, as the picture chosen was surely the most unflattering one available.]
Cooper: You're running for president of the United States!
Trump: Excuse me, excuse me. I didn't start it. I didn't start it.
Cooper: But sir, with all due respect: That's the argument of a five-year-old.
Trump: I didn't start it—no it's not.
Cooper: The argument of a five-year-old is: "He started it."
Trump: Excuse me. You would say that. That's the problem with our country. [The "problem with our country" is that presidential candidates are expected to act like adults rather than brats?]
Cooper: Every parent knows a five-year-old who says "he started it."

What's Good for the Gander is Good for the Goose

Donald Trump says we should boycott Megyn Kelly because she's been mean and unfair to him. But then the whole world should girlcott Trump because he's been mean and unfair to so many women. — Michael R. Burch

Boycott Trump!
Girlcott him too!
Show the Chump who's boss—
say, "We fire you!"
— Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump's Dangerous Delusions

Even if Donald Trump is not the Antichrist, as more and more people are now suggesting, his delusions make him a very dangerous man to be in charge of the United States military and nuclear codes. Take, for instance, what Trump said when he phoned his friends at "Morning Joe" for a chat recently. They try to give him easy questions, since that's what he has told them he prefers. So here is a "softball" question, followed by the Trumpster's delusional response:

Mika Brzezinski: Who are you talking to consistently since we have some dire foreign policy issues percolating around the world. Who are you consulting with consistently so you are ready on day one?
Donald Trump: I'm speaking with myself, number one, because I have a very good brain and I've said a lot of things. In fact, in my book, in 2000, I talked about Osama bin Laden, and I do remember someone put the book in front of Joe who said, "No way he talked about Osama bin Laden before the World Trade Center came down," and they said "No, he really did," and I remember Joe looking at it and saying "That's amazing." So I know what I'm doing. I talk to a lot of people and at the appropriate time, I'll tell you who they are. My primary consultant is myself and I have a good instinct about this stuff.

However, Trump does not have "good instincts about this stuff" and there is nothing "amazing" except the gullibility of the people Trump fools with his flim-flam act. In his book, when he mentioned Osama bin Laden, he did not predict anything that OBL would do in the future. Rather, he pooh-poohed the idea that OBL was a major threat, and used him as an example of how the U.S. government was making much ado about very little. The potential act of terrorism that Trump did agonize over was a nuclear attack, which did not happen and which many other people had predicted and agonized over. So there is nothing at all remarkable about Trump's intuitions. And his abilities as a prophet are obviously not very good, or he wouldn't have two failed marriages, four bankruptcies, and a series of failed businesses such as Trump University, Trump Mortgage, Trump Vodka, Trump Steaks, Trump Airlines, Trump Magazine, Trumpnet, Trump: the Game, Tour de Trump, Donald Trump: The Fragrance, Trump Fire, Trump Power, the New Jersey Generals, Trump Hotels and Casino Resorts, etc. Furthermore, his claims to always hire the very best people hold no water, or all Trump's businesses would have been successful. I am reminded of the old joke about the Psychic Network going out of business due to bad business decisions. Trump's many business failures prove that he is no prophet, and often picks the wrong people to advise him or ignores their good advice.

Will President Trump Deport Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio?

If he becomes president, will The Donald deport Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio as illegal, undocumented aliens? Rubio is an "anchor baby" by Trump's definition, since neither of his parents were American citizens at the time he was born. Will Trump live up to his word and deport Rubio? Cruz was born in Canada and is thus a natural-born citizen of Canada. It appears that his father and mother both became citizens of Canada, since their names appear on Canadian voter lists. Cruz would have to be naturalized, according to Trump, and if his paperwork is not in order, he should be deported without a trial or due process. But what about The Donald himself? His mother was Scottish. His father was conceived in Germany, to German parents. Unless Trump can conclusively prove that his grandparents were American citizens, that makes him an anchor baby, and he should deport himself. After all, anyone suspected of being an illegal alien is guilty until proven innocent, according to the infallible Wisdom of Trump.

Trump Never Expected to Win

Stephanie Cegielski, a former strategist, spokesperson and Communications Director for the "Make America Great Again" Super PAC has come clean in an open letter about Donald Trump, the man she formerly supported as a candidate for president. Some of her observations:

"It pains me to say this, but he is the presidential equivalent of Sanjaya on American Idol." [Sanjaya was known primarily for his unusual hairdo, not his talent.]
Trump's original goal was not to win the nomination, but to get around 12% of the votes. "His candidacy was a protest candidacy."
"In 2015, I fell in love with the idea of the protest candidate who was not bought by corporations."
No one expected Trump to become the frontrunner: "I don't think even Trump thought he would get this far. And I don't even know that he wanted to."
But with each outrageous Trump statement came another leap in the polls. "Just when I thought we were finished, The Donald gained more popularity."
Now Trump's ego has "taken over the driver's seat, and nothing else matters. The Donald does not fail. The Donald does not have any weakness. The Donald is his own biggest enemy."
"I'll say it again: Trump never intended to be the candidate. But his pride is too out of control to stop him now."
"The hard truth is: Trump only cares about Trump. He is not your voice. He is only Trump's voice."
"I am, in my heart, a policy wonk" but "The man does not know policy, nor does he have the humility to admit what he does not know — the most frightening position of all."
"I am now taking full responsibility for helping create this monster — and reaching out directly to those voters who, like me, wanted Trump to be the real deal."
Trump's campaign "has nightmarishly morphed into a charade that is poised to do irreparable damage to this country if we do not stop this campaign in its tracks."
Cegielski concluded her open letter by noting that when disasters happen, Trump expresses no sorrow and gives no condolences or words of support, but only talks about building walls and his "greatness."    

The Obama Blame Game

Let's place the blame where the blame is due: Barack Obama drove the GOP crazy. How so? Well, first there's his name, which sounds Muslim. Second, there's his skin, which is less than lily white. And third, he had the temerity to run for president of the United States and win. Having a non-white president with an odd-sounding name was the straw that broke the pachyderm's racist back. Then the crazy lies flew hot and heavy. Now Donald Trump's supporters believe in truly crazy conspiracy theories: for instance, 62% say Barack Obama is a Muslim and 61% say he was born in another country. Other common beliefs about Obama include that he is "anti-American," a "communist," a "totalitarian," a "dictator," and that he bows down to other countries and puts them before America. None of these things are true, of course, and to believe untrue things is the definition of insanity. The GOP has been driven crazy by hatred, fear and loathing of America's first black president. Crazy people want a crazy leader who confirms their crazy ideas and promises to right the "wrongs" they imagine they suffered. Thus, Barack Obama is responsible for the rise of Donald Trump: not because of anything he did or didn't do, but simply by being elected president.

Trumped by Protesters?

Can Donald Trump manage a country of 300 million diverse citizens, when he can't even manage his campaign events? The fiasco in Chicago is a foretaste of a Trump presidency. Trump favors people who agree with him, and obviously thinks everyone else can and should be silenced, manhandled, evicted and/or jailed. He speaks fondly of the "good old days" when protesters were roughed up, then carried "out on a stretcher." He says that he'd love to punch the protesters in the face, himself. But how will that fly in a nation where the citizens believe they have the right to assemble, dissent and speak their minds freely? Trump has been inciting violence by using force to deny protesters their inalienable rights ... will he now reap the whirlwind?

Rather than accepting responsibility for the violence he inspired, Trump blamed Bernie Sanders, calling him a "communist." Trump also blamed ISIS, by tweeting a video that proved to be a hoax. Trump's lame excuse was: "All I know is what's on the internet."

Trump says that he doesn't condone or incite violence, but his bellicose words say otherwise. He has invited crowds to "knock the crap out of" protesters. "Just knock the hell" out of them. "I promise you, I will pay for the legal fees. I promise, I promise. It won't be so much 'cause the courts agree with us too." Trump later confirmed that he is considering paying legal fees for John Franklin McGraw, a 78-year-old Trump supporter captured on video sucker-punching Rakeem Jones, a black protester, as Jones was led out of a Trump rally in North Carolina.

After a Black Lives Matter protester was punched and kicked by his supporters, Trump said, "Maybe he should have been roughed up." Trump even instructed his security to confiscate a heckler's coat, sending him into the Vermont winter without protection: "You know it's about ten degrees below zero outside!" he enthused at the time, obviously happy to inflict pain on anyone with the courage to oppose him.

Donald Trump Punning Nicknames

Trump of Doom
Hair Hitler
The New Furor
Darth Hater
Dire Abby (because he tweets relationship advice similar to "Dear Abby" but it's usually extremely negative, akin to "dump the no-good slut, pronto!")
King of the Whoppers
Fifth Avenue Freeze-Out (for trying to deny disabled vets the right to street vend on Fifth Avenue, where The Donald sells expensive baubles Himself)
Master Debater
King Tut (because his insults make billions of people go "Tut, tut, tut!")
New York Pork Dork

A number of Trump nicknames are related to fascism, such as "Hair Hitler" (a pun on Herr Hitler) and The New Furor (a pun on Führer). Are such accusations warranted? Well, Hair Hitler talking about Muslims and Hispanics does sound a lot like Herr Hitler talking about Jews. Here's what one prominent American Jew has said on the subject. Abe Foxman, former National Director of the Anti-Defamation League, had this to say to  The Times of Israel after Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump urged supporters at a Florida rally Saturday to raise their arms in a salute to him: "As a Jew who survived the Holocaust, to see an audience of thousands of people raising their hands in what looks like the ‘Heil Hitler' salute is about as offensive, obnoxious and disgusting as anything I thought I would ever witness in the United States of America."

I think The New York Times hit the nail on the proverbial head: "Donald Trump's flirtation with the Ku Klux Klan should come as no surprise. He has functioned for years as a rallying point for birthers, conspiracy theorists, extremists and racists who are apoplectic about the fact that the country elected a black man president. These groups have driven the Republican Party steadily rightward, helping to create a national discourse that now permits a presidential candidate to court racist support without paying a political price."

Welcome to the Trump Presidency

What happened in Chicago is a foretaste of a Trump presidency. Violence looms everywhere because Trump, the fascist strongman, seeks to deny ordinary Americans their freedoms of assembly, dissent and free speech. Trump has said repeatedly that people who disagree with him are "terrible," shaking his head as if it is unthinkable that anyone should protest his evil, absurd ideas and the way he spits venom when he airs them. Just as in the "good old days," people who think, speak and act independently should be punched, manhandled and jailed, according to the wisdom of Trump. Fascist strongmen believe that everyone should believe what they believe, and obey them, or suffer the consequences. So welcome to the Trump presidency, unless you take the time to vote for someone with American rather than Nazi values.

The Snake Oil Salesman Tastes His Own Medicine

Turnabout is fair play. The Donald has been denying Americans their constitutional rights to assemble peacefully, to dissent, and to speak their minds freely. Now he's had a taste of his own fetid snake oil, since protestors forced him to cancel a campaign event in Chicago. Of course Trump is not happy about other Americans fighting fire with fire. In his hypocritical mind, he should be allowed to do whatever he pleases, while everyone else obeys the rules. Trump has the mentality of a mob boss, and the manners.

Ted Cruz opined that the bellicose billionaire has created "an environment that encourages this sort of nasty discourse" calling it a "sad day." He continued: "Political discourse should occur in this country without the threat of violence, without anger and rage and hatred [being] directed at each other." Cruz also said that "in any campaign responsibility starts at the top," pointing out that when Trump "urges supporters to engage in physical violence, to punch people in the face, the predictable consequence of that is that it escalates. Today is unlikely to be the last such incidence."

Stuporman's Kryptonite

Stuporman, aka Donald Trump, has a fatal weakness: the Truth. While his superpower is being able to talk gullible people into believing the most incredible nonsense, in the end the Truth will be Stuporman's kryptonite, his Achilles heel, his Waterloo. Why? Well, if Trump becomes the Republican nominee for president, undecided voters will be able to google his name and a topic, and hear all the foolish, hateful and despicable things he said while courting his "base" of white supremacists, neo-Nazis and Tea Party tantrum throwers. Yes, they love him dearly for preaching to the choir and telling them what they long to hear, however absurd. But during the next round of debates, all the Democratic nominee will have to do is quote Trump with a Reaganesque "There you go again." As the saying goes, "Loose lips sink ships" and The Donald's are the loosest on the planet. The Donald has trumped himself out of the American version of the Game of Thrones, with all the hate talk and insane plans he can't take back because they are now part of the public record, and just a google search away.

Investors Trumped?

Is there a way to invest in Donald Trump? If so, would it be wise? Trump has filed major bankruptcies four times, and many of his business ventures have ceased operations or gone completely under, including Trump Airlines, Trump University (currently under investigation for fraud), Trump Vodka, Trump Steaks, Trump Ice (bottled water), Trump Mortgage, Trump Magazine, Trump the Game, Tour de Trump, New Jersey Generals (USFL), Trump New Media, Trumped! (talk radio show), The Trump Network (ISP), GoTrump.com, Trump on the Ocean (restaurant/catering), etc. But what about businesses that are still operating? Investors who put their money in Trump Hotels & Casino Resorts when it went public in 1995 had lost 87% of their money by 1999. The company was fined by the SEC for "making misleading statements" in an earnings release. It seems wiser not to invest in The Donald. But then why vote for someone who has a track record of running businesses into the ground?

Trump U 2?

Is The Donald a scam artist in search of the Holy Grail of fraud: the White House and control of the U.S. military and nuclear codes? He certainly scammed many gullible consumers with his "Trump University." Trump tells potential buyers what they want to hear, like the oily salesman at the used car lot. Is that the kind of president we want?

Terrible Tykes

"Donny has tiny little hands, so he must have a tiny little pee-pee!"
"Hell no, my schlong is yuuuuge, little Marco! Want me to whip it out and prove it?"
"Eeew! Ted is carrying food around in his cheeks like a hamster, and showing it to everyone! How disgusting!"
Apparently, this is the best the Republican party has to offer voters.

Goober

My wife has finally figured out who Donald Trump reminds her of ... Goober Pyle. The Donald does resemble the original Goober with his oafish, buffoonish facial expressions, clueless shoulder shrugs and "whaddya expect?" upturned hand gestures. But George Lindsey was a professional actor playing a goofball for laughs. Trump is a malevolent know-nothing who talks tough about punching protestors for exercising their First Amendment rights, bringing back waterboarding and more ominous forms of torture, forcing American soldiers to become mass murderers of widows and orphans, and deporting 11 million people without due process. Trump in his colorful (and sometimes off-color) rhetoric and style resembles Dixiecrat politicians of yore like "Pitchfork" Ben Tillman, "Big Jim" Folsom, Huey Long and George C. Wallace. But when Trump talks about his plans for the American military, he sounds disturbingly like Hitler and Mussolini. If he's a Goober, he's far from lovable or likeable, except perhaps to racists, fascists and people so gullible they can't process the words coming out of his mouth.

Stupor Tuesday

Super Tuesday has come and gone, and The Donald remains the Republican frontrunner for president. I propose that we rename the ill-fated day Stupor Tuesday, in honor of the latest American superhero, Stuporman. His superpower is putting voters into comas and making them dream that he has other magical superpowers, such as the ability to defeat ISIS and make Mexico pay for a mythical wall. When Americans finally wake from their stupor they will have a helluva hangover, the price of getting drunk on nonsense.

Does Donald Trump Have a Secret Affection for the KKK?

Donald Trump is being praised and supported by the KKK and other white supremacist organizations and individuals. David Duke has publicly endorsed The Donald, saying it would be "treason" against their "heritage" for white supremacists not to vote for Trump. When asked if he would disavow and speak out against such supporters, Trump declined, saying he "doesn't know" about them. But everyone knows what the KKK is, and what it stands for, so Trump is obviously lying. And Trump, who claims to have one of the world's best memories, does know who David Duke is, because he called him a "Klansman" when he left the Reform party, citing him as one of his reasons for leaving. Why would Trump not speak out against the KKK? Well, his father, Frederick Trump, was arrested at a KKK rally. We know it was him because the arrest record contains the address where he was living at the time. Furthermore, when Fred Trump was Woody Guthrie's landlord, Guthrie wrote songs about "Old Man Trump" and how he discriminated against black Americans.

When David Duke endorsed Ronald Reagan, he was told what to do with his endorsement in no uncertain terms. But Trump sounds like a Grand Wizard himself, when he talks about people with darker skin. He has made grotesquely offensive racist remarks about blacks, Hispanics, Arabs and Jews. We need to keep in mind that Arabs and Jews are Semites, and antisemitism is a hallmark of fascism. During his election campaign, Trump has been re-tweeting material provided by fascist organizations, including a Mussolini quote. Trump's first wife Ivana told Vanity Fair in an interview that he kept a book of Hitler's speeches at his bedside. Is Trump a fascist? Does he sympathize with the KKK? Is he a chip off his father's racist block? If it looks like a duck, waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck ...

Fox Nixed

Viewer ratings of Fox News have dropped precipitously during the 2015-2016 presidential election campaign. In February the rating dropped to 14 percent. Is it possible that Fox News viewers are not happy about being constantly misinformed and brainwashed?

"So What, They're Muslims"

It's not just The Donald who sounds like Hitler talking about "the Jewish problem" when he talks about "the Muslim problem." Hitler was an anti-Semite, but most Arabs are Semites. Doesn't discriminating against Arabs make Donald Trump and his campaign anti-Semites? Here's  a pertinent exchange between
Trump national spokeswoman Katrina Pierson and conservative commentator S. E. Cupp on CNN's "The Lead." Pierson, who is famous (or infamous) for wearing a necklace of strung-together-bullets on the air, argued that that "there's no constitutional requirement to allow anyone to immigrate to the United States" and thus Trump's proposal to ban Muslims "is really nothing new." Cupp pointed out that Pierson is full of bull: "There really is something new to the idea of banning an entire religious group from entering the country." Pierson argued back that the U.S. has never "allowed insurgents to come across these borders." Cupp countered: "No one's talking about allowing insurgents [to enter]. You're talking about not allowing regular Muslims, that's what you're talking about. No one's talking about insurgents." Pierson's anti-Semitic response was: "Yes, from Arab nations. You know what, so what? They're Muslims." Of course Hitler and the Nazis said the same thing in their day: "So what, they're Jews." Pierson has also defended Trump using the word "pussy" in public by comparing him to the American Founding Fathers.

Sassy Sasse

Nebraska Senator Ben Sasse has three big problems with The Donald. He says that Trump is unvetted, lacks core convictions, and has a sweeping view of the powers of the executive branch, calling him an "Obama Republican." Also, the sassy Sasse find Trump to be a tad hypocritical. "He says he's a strongman but he's afraid of Megyn Kelly," Sasse told CNN. Sasse also wonders if Trump is trustworthy. "Isn't that weird that he brags about getting wives to break their oaths?" Sasse said. "I care if the guy takes an oath to the Constitution and keeps it." Trump bragged about his sex life in his book The Art of the Comeback, writing: "If I told the real stories of my experiences with women, often seemingly very happily married and important women, this book would be a guaranteed best-seller."

Trumpertantrum

After his narrow victory in Iowa, Ted
Cruz mocked The Donald, tweeting: "Yet another #Trumpertantrum ... @realDonaldTrump very angry w/the people of Iowa. They actually looked at his record." But it wasn't just Trump accusing the Cruz Controller of underhandedness. The always equable (except when stabbing friends and attacking his mother with a hammer) Dr. Ben Carson also accused the Texas Sidewinder of slithering and skittering his way through Iowa's cornfields and polling booths. The Holy Cruzader is the son of a Southern Baptist Minister, for Chrissake! Surely we can trust the son of a preacherman! Or can we? Cruz's oily "apology" to Carson made me feel certain that we can no more trust Ted Cruz than its next meal can trust the embrace of a boa constrictor.

Trump: Ted Cruz is a "Pussy" and Hillary Clinton is "Evil"

"What he said!"
"What she said!"
"She called you a pussy, so nanny-nanny-boo-boo!"

Donald Trump pretend-admonished, then quoted a woman who called Ted Cruz a "pussy" at one of his recent rallies. Trump had been chastising Cruz for failing to unequivocally endorse torture (waterboarding) at the most recent presidential  debate. Trump interrupted his harangue to point out that a woman in the crowd had "just said a terrible thing." Trump continued: "You know what she said? Shout it out because I don't want to—OK, you're not allowed to say, and I never expect to hear that from you again. She said—I never expect to hear that from you again!—she said he's a pussy. That's terrible! Terrible!" Trump then threw up his hands in mock despair. Trump reminds me of a potty-mouthed playground bully. Later, Trump made the morning show rounds, telling hosts that he wasn't calling Ted Cruz a pussy, just repeating what that woman said, "like a retweet." On MSNBC's "Morning Joe" he called it "a great moment," saying "I got a standing ovation, the place went wild. Somebody said mixed cheers. Let me tell you the place went wild." He also got in a quick jab at Hillary Clinton, calling her "evil."    

Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast?

Okay, this is going to sound crazy, but I swear I'm not making it up. The Trump family owns the most expensive single building ever sold in the United Sates, at 666 Fifth Avenue in the heart of New York City. Seriously. And the Trumps are in the process of erecting another building at One Journal Square that will be 666 feet tall, and cost $666 million dollars. No, I am not pulling your leg! As Yogi Berra said, "You could look it up." The Bible says that in the last days the anti-Christ will deceive even the very elect. Who just endorsed Donald Trump? Evangelical heavyweights like Sarah Palin, Franklin Graham and Jerry Falwell Jr. Again, I am not making this shit up, please pardon my French. This is really happening. He who has ears to hear, let him hear (or her). The facts are presented here: Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast? Does it bother you that Donald Trump sounds like the second coming of Adolph Hitler? Does it strike you as odd that evangelical Christians are ecstatically supporting a man who is the complete antithesis of Jesus Christ? Why did the Hebrew prophets warn us about the Trump of Doom? There are not one or two or three connections between the Trumps and the number 666. There are many connections. If you click the hyperlink and read the article, you are free to draw your own conclusions.

More Donald Trump Puns

President Obama contends that charges he is "not really an American" have been trumped up by you-know-who.―Michael R. Burch
According to Donald Trump, since Ted Cruz was born in Canada, he can be borne back to Canada if he wants to run for top dog.―Michael R. Burch
@tadfriend Ben Carson not just concerned about Hummus terror threat, but about dire situation in Baba Ghanoush and Tabouli. (Ben Carson repeatedly mispronounced Hamas during a speech.)
How can Donald Trump appeal to so many white supremacists when "Orange is the new Black"? He's clearly an inferior species: Orangutan.―Michael R. Burch

The GOP's problem in a nut-shell (if you'll pardon the pun) is that all its presidential candidates are nuts, not just the Teflon Don. No, wait, I take it back ... George Pataki may not be completely crazy. And that's why he has such appeal for the saner Republican voters: all 0.6% of them!―Michael R. Burch

Do we really want Cruz Control? Ted Cruz is like the chocoholic who, told that one small square of dark chocolate per day can be good for the heart, guzzles down gallons of sugary milk chocolate syrup every few hours. He takes every conservative idea to absurd extremes. And he appears to be the long-lost son of Paul Bearer, the funeral parlor "manager" of the Undertaker. He looks like death warmed over and his policies are.―Michael R. Burch

Boycott Trump!
Girlcott him too!
Show the Chump who's boss—
say, "We fire you!"
―Michael R. Burch

Is Donald Trump a Republican, Really?

Trump gave more money to Democrats than Republicans from 1989-2011.
Trump joined the Reform Party in 1999, saying: "It's not so much the Reform Party, it's really the fact that I'd want to make that if I ran and spent a lot of money I could actually win, I could beat that Democrat-Republican apparatus."
Trump won the Reform Party's California primary in 2000.
Trump became a Democrat from 2000-2009, donating large sums of money to liberal politicians like Ted Kennedy, John Kerry, Henry Reid, Charles Rangel, Joe Biden and the Clintons (whom he spoke very highly of back then!).
Trump identified with the Republican Party briefly in 2009-2010.
Trump identified with the Independent Party in 2011.
Trump then switched back to the Republican Party in April 2012.
Trump, however, listed his New York party affiliation as "decline to state" in 2011-2012.
Trump began to give more money to Republicans in 2012, around the time he was "getting serious" about running for president. Was he just hedging his bets, perhaps?
Trump announced his presidential candidacy in 2015, but kept the option open of running as an Independent.
One has the feeling that Trump may run as a Democrat in the next election, if that gives him a better chance of winning!
Trump has been pro-choice, pro-Planned-Parenthood, pro-gun-control, pro-universal-healthcare, pro-raising-taxes, pro-amnesty, pro-immigration, and pro-legalizing-drugs.
It seems Trump is actually a liberal socialist Democrat who takes a firm stance on immigration ... unless that is just a smokescreen designed to get votes!

The Top Ten Trumpisms

A "trumpism" is a short, pithy, ego-and-testosterone-saturated statement that doesn't make any sense:

Make America great again! (by practicing racism, racial profiling, having the U.S. military track down and kill the families of suspected terrorists, etc.)
Think big! (by lusting after money, fame and power like The Donald)
Go with your gut! (as Trump does when he repeatedly sticks his foot in his mouth, then has to eat his words)
Just hire the best people! (this didn't work so well for Trump with his four major bankruptcies and many other failed businesses and products)
We don't have time for political correctness! (by which The Donald means that he can't be bothered to act or speak with a shred of decency)
We have to build a wall or we don't have a country! (then we have never "had a country" since we have always had illegal immigrants)
I beat China all the time! (oh really, by exporting American manufacturing and jobs to China?)
Everyone should be nice to me and fair with me! (hypocrite!)
How stupid are the people of Iowa? (for voting for anyone other than Donald Trump)
I could shoot someone and not lose voters! (are those voters, perhaps, the stupid ones?)

The Coming Landslide Victory for Democrats

Here's the obvious thing: If you need the endorsement of Wailin' Sarah Palin, Jerry Fall-Hell Jr., or Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson, then you are seriously fucked up and should not be running for president of the United States! That's like seeking endorsements from Ronald McDonald, Bozo and the Cookie Monster. No one in his/her right mind seeks such crackpot "endorsements." When John McCain chose Sarah Palin as his running mate, it was an admission of defeat. Ditto for Trump asking for her blessing. When the only "major endorsement" Ted Cruz can come up with is Phil Robertson, it's an admission of defeat. The GOP is not a serious political party any longer ... it's a carnival, a freak show. Once the Bearded Lady and the Goat Boy have been officially nominated, how many votes will they garner in the general election, really? Donald Trump is a buffoon. Ted Cruz makes Tricky Dick Nixon seem quite personable. Crazy Ben Carson may be a sociopath, but in this race he seems like an absolute angel! The GOP does not have a single viable candidate for president because the GOP as a party has lost its ever-lovin' marbles. Here are some of the GOP's more exciting endorsements:

Phil Robertson, the geezery patriarch of Duck Dynasty, endorsed Ted Cruz.
Sarah Palin endorsed Donald Trump, sounding like Yoda on acid at a poetry slam.
David Duke, a former Grand Wizard of the KKK, has called Donald Trump "the best of the lot" and his candidacy "a great opportunity" but says Trump speaks "a lot more radically" than Duke does himself!
Jerry Falwell Jr. endorsed Donald Trump despite the fact that Trump does everything counter to the teachings of Jesus Christ.
The Daily Stormer, the most popular white supremacist website, endorsed Trump, urging white men to "vote for the first time in our lives for the one man who actually represents our interests."
Stormfront, another white supremacist website, had to upgrade its servers to keep up with increased demand it attributes to the "Trump phenomenon."
Rachel Pendergraft, national spokesman for the Knights Party, a branch of the KKK, is using support for Donald Trump in recruitment because he "electrifies" white supremacists.
Brad Griffin, author of the white supremacist blog Hunter Wallace, has said his esteem for Trump is "soaring."  
Trump has also been endorsed by Wayne Newton, Ann Coulter, Tila Tequila, Dennis Rodman, John "off his" Rocker, Mike Tyson, Hulk Hogan, Jesse "the Body" Ventura, Lou Ferrigno, Gary Busey and Ted Nugent!

Donald Trump Weeps Crocodile Tears for Vets, after Sweeping Them Off the Street for More than a Decade

Donald Trump was running away with the election, but now he's running away from the debates, out of fear that Megyn Kelly will be "unfair" to him! But what did Kelly do, that turned America's self-professed tough-guy hero into a cowardly and buffoonish zero? Why will there soon be spoofs called "Kelly's Zeroes" starring Trump lookalikes? Her "unfairness" was merely quoting what Trump had said himself, on the public record!

I have two new nicknames for Donald Trump, and I'll explain why below:

Prima Donald
The Vet Evictor

Rather than risking another tough question by Megyn Kelly at the next Republican presidential debate, Donald Trump will altruistically host an event to raise money for veterans. That's rich, according to disabled vets because The Donald strove to sweep them from the street outside Trump Tower for well over a decade. Trump will "raise money for the Veterans and Wounded Warriors who have been treated so horribly by our all-talk, no-action politicians." But in reality Trump talked and acted to prevent veterans in need from being allowed anywhere near his gleaming Fifth Avenue headquarters. As reported by the New York Daily News, in 1991 Trump wrote a letter saying: "While disabled veterans should be given every opportunity to earn a living, is it fair to do so to the detriment of the city as a whole or its tax-paying citizens and businesses? Do we allow Fifth Avenue, one of the world's finest and most luxurious shopping districts, to be turned into an outdoor flea market, clogging and seriously downgrading the area?" In 2004 he said in a letter to New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg: "Whether they are veterans or not, they should not be allowed to sell on this most important and prestigious shopping street ... The image of New York City will suffer ... I hope you can stop this very deplorable situation before it is too late." Disabled veterans had been accorded special vendor licenses by New York since the Civil War. Trump tried very hard to have those licenses taken away. Sean Williams is a vet who sells hats and scarves on East 43rd Street, just off Fifth Avenue. "I was going to re-enlist, but I had kids." What does he think of Trump's efforts? "Despicable. He never served. And not his kids." When Williams learned that Trump was staging a veterans' event, he had a one-word response: "Wow!" Another hat and scarf vendor with a Disabled American Veterans sign on his cart declined to give his name, but also had a one-word response for Trump: "Disgusting." Two blocks uptown another vet, Annette Seck, was also selling hats and scarves. "Talk about Private Benjamin!" She is aware of Trump's efforts to chase vets from the streets and considers the continued presence of vets as a defeat for The Donald. Perhaps he doesn't always "win" as he claims. "He lost, because of a lot veterans in the street." However, "If he gets elected, I'll die," she said simply. Another disabled veteran is Dondi McKellar, who sells bubble blowers. He is not impressed by Trump's conversion. "Now he's different, he's born again." But vets are still barred from vending close to Trump Tower. "First class war vets, second class back-at-homes," he says, adding, "Go take a picture of the planters." Trump has placed large cement planters outside his tower, to keep peddlers away. As reported by The New York Times, in 1984 Trump wrote in the letter that planters were needed because "all sorts of horrors" had "effectively ruined the beautiful ambience of the space which everyone loves so much." McKellar says, "Everybody got their own thing, but bubbles make me happy." He's an active participant in the effort by Veterans 4 Veterans to fully restore the covenant made in 1894 that disabled veterans would be free to sell goods in the street. "We're part of why we have the freedom we have. This country we served should give us the opportunity to come out and vend." But he doesn't expect Trump to welcome him, despite his conversion. "He wouldn't have liked me in front of his establishment," McKellar said. He suspects Trump may be that rare person who proves immune to the charm of his bubbles, which seem to make almost everybody smile. "If he gets upset with my bubbles ... He get upset with Megyn Kelly, so I don't put it past him." Many Americans have fallen under The Donald's curious spell, but not the vets who live upwind of his fancy-schmancy Tower. They know the real score.

The "Most Fabulous Whiner" Reveals His Superpower!

Megyn Kelly? "I don't like her!" Donald Trump told Wolf Blitzer. "She doesn't treat me fairly!" Oh my, The Donald is having another hissy fit, another temper tantrum! But no one should be surprised because whining is Trump's superpower, and his primary claim to fame. Don't believe me? Here's how Trump described the secret of his success: "I am the most fabulous whiner! I whine because I want to win! And I'm not happy if I'm not winning! I'm a whiner and I keep whining and whining until I win!" All those bankruptcies, the many failed companies and two failed marriages? Those were the times The Donald forgot to whine! As long as Trump whines, he is INVINCIBLE, which means this election is over, finis, wrapped up, in the proverbial bag!

Trump, who's planning to boycott the Fox News/Google debate, once criticized Republican candidates who refused to attend a debate he tried to convene: "We're not seeing a lot of courage," he said about the debate he wanted to host with Newsmax in 2011. That statement was made, ironically, to Megyn Kelly! During the same interview Kelly asked him, "Do you really think you're a better moderator than I am?" Trump replied, "No. I could never beat you. That wouldn't even be close. That would be no contest." He added, "You have done a great job, by the way. And I mean it." (But that was before she had the temerity to quote The Donald Himself. Now Kelly is "unfair," a "lightweight," a "bimbo," on the rag, etc.) "Romney doesn't look courageous" Trump said when Mitt Romney decided not to do the debate, according to the Washington Post. "Some of them don't have the courage!" Trump told Don Imus. "We have guys who are afraid to go into a debate. How would they stand up to China if afraid to debate?" he asked.

But here are some possibly valid questions: How will The Donald fair against China, if he is afraid to face tough questions by American reporters? Megyn Kelly is a conservative who has been on friendly terms with the Timid Trumpster until just recently. What will happen when Dainty Donald has to face the formidable, battle-tested Hillary Clinton? She must be licking her lips, seeing how easy it is to make him collapse in tears of self-pity. What would have happened if Barack Obama had packed it in every time someone was unfair to him? What if Jeb Bush, Ben Carson, Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina, Rand Paul and the other Republican presidential candidates had decided to stay home because Trump was unfair to them? Is Trump a tough guy, really, or is he just a Prima Donald?

@Cher: Trump NOT Doing FOX Debate Cause Of MEGAN KELLY Some1 Get Him TOE SHOES, fkng PRIMA DONNA. HOW CAN HE FACE ISIS, HE CANT FACE A CHICK ON TV.
@Cher: As Judas was to Jesus, so is Ted Cruz to America. Read what he's written and watch what he's said for years. He ALWAYS TERRIFIED ME. #30piecesofsilver

All Hail Your Middle-School Commander-in-Chief!

Robert Gates, a former U.S. Secretary of Defense who served under eight presidents, sees the Republican party's presidential candidates not as saviors, but as uninformed adolescents on military and security matters. Also a former CIA Director, Gates joked that if Donald Trump wins the presidency, he would emigrate to Canada. He condemned the media for failing to challenge candidates from both parties on promises he believes are unaffordable, illegal or unconstitutional. "The level of dialogue on national security issues would embarrass a middle schooler," Gates said of the Republican contenders at a Politico Playbook event in Washington. "People are out there making threats and promises that are totally unrealistic, totally unattainable. Either they really believe what they're saying or they're cynical and opportunistic and, in a way, you hope it's the latter, because God forbid they actually believe some of the things that they're saying." Gates also blasted the Republican field for their rhetoric about destroying the Islamic State. "First of all they, they don't know what they're talking about," Gates told MSNBC. Donald Trump has said as president he would "bomb the s---" out of the Islamic State, while rival Ted Cruz has suggested carpet bombing them into oblivion. Gates strongly disagrees: "Carpet bombing would be completely useless. It's totally contrary to the American way of war" because of  "total disregard for civilians. So, I mean, part of the concern that I have with the campaign, particularly when it comes to national security, is that the solutions being offered are so simplistic and so at odds with the reality of the rest of the world, with the way the world really works." Alluding to political outsiders Trump and retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson, Gates challenged their ability to be an effective president. "I will tell you this: I do think that politics is a profession," he said. "And I think that if you don't have any experience in how government works, if you have never been in government, your ability to make the government work is going to be significantly reduced. It's different than business. It's different than surgery. It's different than anything else. It's a skill set that you bring based on experience and based on dealing with other people." Asked whether any of the Republican candidates met his criteria for commander-in-chief, Gates said, "I don't see any."

What has the GOP done for the nation lately?

Secretly bombing Cambodia
Selling weapons to Iran to fund death squads in Central America
The invasion of Iraq on false premises
Torture
Pretending to "believe" in the unlimited right to bear arms, while making damn sure no one with a gun gets close to a Republican judge or politician, but opposing similar protections for children

And now Trump and Cruz are vowing to carpet bomb Iraq and Syria, killing god-knows-how-many innocent women and children, even though all the real military experts say such bombing will not work, is immoral and un-American, and will only make matters much worse!

Trump Campaign Throws Tantrums, Laments Half-Breed President

As one critic put it, "the Donald Trump Experience just keeps getting weirder." It's like the Jimi Hendrix Experience, with the weird hair and beads, but without the genius, the great soul or the positive vibes. Trump campaign spokeswoman Katrina Pierson, who previously made headlines by wearing a necklace of bullets during an interview, has been called to the carpet for tweets in which she referred to President Obama as the "head Negro" and opined that he wasn't a "pure breed" because his father wasn't born in the United States. (My mother was born in England; does that make me a half-breed? My father has Native American blood. If that makes me a half-breedor, more accurately, a one-sixteenth-breedis that a minus or a plus?) Birds of a racist feather will flock together, and The Donald Himself has set a very bad example for his campaigners by talking condescendingly about "the blacks" and "the Hispanics" and how they all "love" him and will vote for him in droves, when the polls say otherwise. Trump is tone deaf to his own bigotry, and other members of his campaign seem to be blissfully unaware of how offensive they sound. More and more the Trump campaign resembles a romper room full of tykes in their terrible twos and threes, all screaming potty words and angrily stomping their feet, because there are no adults to put them in timeout until they learn to behave. Rather, the superannuated headmaster recently bragged that he is a "fabulous whiner" who whines repeatedly until he "wins." 

Wacko Birds

Barack Obama rather politely points out that the GOP has lost its ever-lovin' marbles and gone insane: "When I ran against John McCain, John McCain and I had real differences, sharp differences, but John McCain didn't deny climate science. John McCain didn't call for banning Muslims from the United States. John McCain was a conservative, but he was well within the mainstream ofnot just the Republican Party but within our political dialogue. And that's where, ultimately, any voter is going to have to pay attention: the degree to which the Republican rhetoric and Republican vision have moved, not just to the right, but to a place that is unrecognizable."

Victory is Assured: Poetic Palin Endorses Trump!

Sarah Palin just endorsed Donald Trump, so his victory is now assured. Here are some of Wailin' Palin's more poetic announcements and pronouncements:

We root him on because he roots us on!
Well, look, we are mad, and we've been had!
Yes, the status quo has got to go!
With their failed agenda, it can't be salvaged, it must be savaged!
I'm in it to win it!
No, we're not going to chill! 
In fact it's time to drill, 
baby, drill           and hold these folks accountable!
                down

This free verse poem is a real stumper. Is Palin talking about a dentist visit, fracking or f-cking? I believe one must find the key in first line, if one wishes to unlock the riddle. My best guess is that Palin's speech is about a root canal, and she was still high on laughing gas when she delivered it. Two bumbling amateurs are trying to save their constituents' remaining teeth by giving them root canals. They root around in their mouths. The patients are mad because they've been "had" by professional dentists who charge money for their services, when the patients could have just operated on each other! The "status quo" that "has got to go" is professional dentistry. The "failed agenda" that cannot be salvaged is a constituent's smile, once the amateurs have "hacked" away at it (pun intended), so the teeth must be savagely extracted. Sarah loves guns and knives, so she is "in it to win it" by displaying her skill with a Bowie knife. She is not going to "chill" because it's time drill deep down into the socket and cut out roots the old-fashioned, bloody way! But Sarah will hold the patients accountable, meaning they will pay dearly for her services. My advice? Go to professional dentists for dentistry, and go to professional administrators for government. Trump and Palin are rank amateursemphasis on "rank"―so pull rank and vote them back to the white padded cells they escaped from.

Selling Swampland

Donald Trump has called The Art of the Deal second only to the Bible in his estimation. In his book, Trump criticized Jimmy Carter and Ronald Reagan for overpromising. Trump has also mocked George H. W. Bush's infamous "Read my lips: no new taxes" pledge. But The Donald is engaging in unfathomable hypocrisy because no American presidential candidate has ever promised more impossible things than he has since entering the race. It seems that lying is peachy keen when Trump wants to sell something: "The final key to the way I promote is bravado. I play to people's fantasies. People may not always think big themselves, but they can still get very excited by those who do. That's why a little hyperbole never hurts. People want to believe that something is the biggest and the greatest and the most spectacular. I call it truthful hyperbole. It's an innocent form of exaggeration—and a very effective form of promotion." But Bush's "no new taxes" pales in comparison with some of Trump's bizarre promises, which go far beyond mildly stretching the truth or little white lies. Trump is selling political swampland and only the truly blind can fail to see that the price is far, far too high: having a reckless, feckless real estate salesman in the White House. Should we worry about Trump living up to his outrageous words, or trying? Yes, because according to The Donald Himself, writing in Midas Touch: Why Some Entrepreneurs Get Rich and Why Most Don't, real success comes from "living your words, walking your talk, and talking your walk." 

Trailin' Track Palin

In the words of the immortal Plato, "Birdbrains of a feather flock together." When the Republican party has to call in Sarah Palin to play Joan d'Arc to The Donald's Dauphin because the Dark & Dastardly Ted Cruz threatens to steal the fool's-gold-plated throne, we have obviously entered the comedy of the absurd. Rather than waiting for God, or Godot, we are waiting for Gidget. But can Gidget save everyone (or anyone) from the Iceman who Cometh? It turns out that Gidget would be hard pressed to save her pat lapdog ...

Wailin' Sarah Palin appeared out of nowhere (aka Wasilla) to endorse The Donald, in the hokiest of "speeches," only to immediately disappear again―presumably back to Wasilla to bail her troubled son out of jail. Track Palin had just been arrested for getting drunk, punching and kicking his girlfriend, then threatening her with an AR-15 in the Palin family home. Unsurprisingly, the famously bellicose Mama Grizzly Bear took the opportunity to blame President Obama: "It's a shame that our military personnel even have to wonder if they have to question whether they're respected anymore. It's starts from the top. The question though that comes from our own President where they have to look at him and wonder 'Do you know what we go through? Do you know what we're trying to do to secure America and to secure the freedom that have been bequeathed us?'" (Palin probably blames President Obama for her daughter Bristol's affairs and her children born out of holy Christian wedlock.) And while Track Palin served in Iraq and could be suffering from PTSD, why wasn't he awarded a Combat Infantry Badge upon his discharge? Was he ever under fire? Even if he was, how can anyone blame Barack Obama, who voted against the invasion of Iraq as an Illinois congressman, along with the majority of House Democrats? And here's a reality check: who voted for the invasion of Iraq? All the Republicans who were eligible to cast votes, including Sarah Palin's rogue running mate for the presidency, John McCain, who later said that we should keep American troops in Iraq for a century! And why not be honest: Track Palin may have had serious behavioral problems before he joined the military. He has been accused of participating in a "vandalism rampage" as a teenager in 2005―deflating the tires of 44 buses, breaking mirrors, and unplugging 110 buses from their engine heating blocks, forcing an entire school district to close for a day. After the incident, Sarah Palin sent young Track to Michigan for the 2006-2007 school year, just as she took Bristol Palin out the Wasilla school system after her first pregnancy. Willow Palin has been accused of posting homophobic slurs on Facebook. The entire Palin clan was involved in a much-publicized drunken brawl at a party that had to be broken up by the Anchorage police, with Bristol allegedly punching one of the hosts repeatedly in the face. Will Sarah Palin find some ludicrous way to pin those indiscretions on President Obama as well?

Revenge on the Turds?

I must admit that I was feeling rather clever when I came up with the idea of deporting Rubio, Cruz and Trump for their lack of compassion for their fellow refugees. But then a friend pointed out something I had overlooked: "Well, but Lady Liberty does say 'give me...the wretched refuse,' so maybe it wouldn't be altogether fair. After all, arguably they were invited." Curses, foiled again!

Related Headlines

Halt Hate
Dump Trump
Refuse Cruz
Can Carson
Fire Fiorina
Bern Bush
Mark Out Marco
Cross Chris

The Trumps, the KKK and a Prophecy by Woody Guthrie

Woody Guthrie inscribed the phrase "This machine kills fascists" on his guitar in 1941, shortly after moving to New York City. Will he prove a prophet and help kill New York City tycoon Donald Trump's chances of getting elected president, from beyond the grave? Is Donald Trump a racist and a fascist? Does he qualify for the prophecy? (*)

Donald Trump once told the Washington Post: "My legacy has its roots in my father's legacy." The Donald often brags about the Trump legacy and following in his father's footsteps. But Guthrie, author of "This Land is Your Land," an American anthem about sharing the land with equality, was definitely not a fan of his racist Trumpian landlords. The Donald's father, Frederick Trump, had been arrested at a KKK rally in 1927 for assaulting a police officer in "the near-riot of the parade."(**) Better known as "Fred," the senior Trump was the developer and landlord of Beach Haven, a huge New York City apartment complex that housed 1,804 people according to the 1950 census. It had been financed by millions of dollars in federally subsidized funds. Trump was later accused of overbilling or "overestimating" $3.7 million: a huge sum of money in those days. One of the main reasons for the project had been to provide affordable housing to soldiers who fought in World War II, so one might say that Fred Trump was profiteering and using non-existent "costs" to charge them higher rents, or "double-dipping." When President Dwight D. Eisenhower learned how American soldiers were being ripped off by profiteers, he was reportedly furious, and rightly so since he had been their commander during the war and knew what they'd been through for the sake of their country.

Woody Guthrie moved into Beach Haven in 1950. Living there, he soon discovered Trump's "enthusiastic embrace" of the FHA's guidelines for avoiding "inharmonious uses of housing" which was a code phrase for racial discrimination and "a betrayal, if ever there was one, of the New Deal vision that had given birth to the agency." Woody Guthrie, a believer in equality and a fair deal for every person of every color, was decidedly not a fan of his landlord:
 
I suppose
Old Man Trump knows
Just how much
Racial Hate
he stirred up
In the bloodpot of human hearts
When he drawed
That color line
Here at his
Eighteen hundred family project ...
 
Guthrie even rewrote his signature Dust Bowl ballad "I Ain't Got No Home" into a "blistering broadside" against his racist landlord:
 
Beach Haven ain't my home! 
I just cain't pay this rent! 
My money's down the drain!
And my soul is badly bent!
Beach Haven looks like heaven
Where no black ones come to roam!
No, no, no! Old Man Trump! 
Old Beach Haven ain't my home!

The federal government eventually came to the same conclusion as Woody Guthrie. According to Wikipedia: In 1973, the U.S. Justice Department's Civil Rights Division filed a civil rights suit against the Trump organization charging that it refused to rent to black people. The Urban League had sent black and white testers to apply for apartments in Trump-owned complexes; the whites got the apartments, the blacks didn't. According to court records, four superintendents or rental agents reported that applications sent to the central office for acceptance or rejection were coded by race. A 1979 Village Voice article quoted a rental agent who said Trump instructed him not to rent to black people and to encourage existing black tenants to leave. In 1975, a consent decree described by the head of DOJ's housing division as "one of the most far-reaching ever negotiated," required Trump to advertise vacancies in minority papers and list vacancies with the Urban League. The Justice Department subsequently complained that continuing "racially discriminatory conduct by Trump agents has occurred with such frequency that it has created a substantial impediment to the full enjoyment of equal opportunity." The Trumps and their organization have been repeatedly accused of violating the Fair Housing Act. Throughout the battles, Donald Trump claimed that his company was being "persecuted" for refusing to house welfare recipients who couldn't afford apartments, which had no apparent basis in the allegations. In 1983, the New York Division of Housing and Community Renewal reported that two Trump Village developments in Coney Island were at least 95 percent white. In 1989, The Donald told SPY magazine that it is really white people who bear the brunt of discrimination: "If I were starting off today, I would love to be a well-educated black, because I believe they do have an actual advantage."

(*) Is Donald Trump a Fascist? I'm an editor and publisher of Holocaust poetry, and a student of the Holocaust. I believe Donald Trump has demonstrated that he is a fascist through his own words and actions, but you are welcome to click the hyperlink and study the evidence yourself.―Michael R. Burch 

(**) On June 1, 1927, a New York Times article reported that a Fred Trump was arrested and discharged after a Ku Klux Klan rally turned into a brawl with Queens police. The brawl reportedly involved over 1,000 Klansmen and 100 police officers, with Fred Trump being one of only seven men arrested. The address given in the article was Fred Trump's address at the time. When asked what happened, Donald Trump initially denied that the man arrested was his father, but then in the same interview seemingly confirmed it by saying: "It's unfair to mention it, to be honest, because there were no charges." So it seems he knew about the event, and it is true that his father was arrested, then later released without charges. Why was Fred Trump one of only seven men arrested, out of a crowd of over a thousand? Perhaps we'll never know. But in any case we have the testimony of Woody Guthrie, the Urban League, the Village Voice and the U. S. Justice Department that Fred Trump was practicing racism. And when we listen to Donald Trump talk about "the blacks," "the Hispanics" and "the Jews," it sounds as if the branch didn't fall too far from the tree.

Top Ten Jokes by Will Ferrell as George W. Bush, in a cameo appearance on Saturday Nigh Live, Dec. 12, 2015

I've made a big decision. I'm entering the race for president of the United States of America. The field of Republicans out there is so messed up, I figured it makes you miss me, doesn't it? And that's saying a lot.―Will Ferrell
Dr. Ben Carson? I can barely hear him when he talks ... Not to mention he's some kind of brain surgeon. And I got news for him: Running the country is not brain surgery. Trust me, I know.―Will Ferrell
Carly Fiorina? She got fired from her job. She got her butt kicked in a Senate race. She's not qualified in any way to be president. In many ways, she reminds me of me.―Will Ferrell
Cruz and Rubio, Rubio and Cruz. Sounds like a Miami law firm ... These two guys, the sons of immigrants, hate immigrants.―Will Ferrell
But the way I see it, unless your name is Running Bear or Chief Two Rivers, we're all anchor babies.―Will Ferrell
And then you got this knucklehead [picture of Donald Trump looking like a giant grinning orangutan] with the hair, and the hundred-foot wall.―Will Ferrell
Trump says he wants to keep all the Muslims out. Yeah, that's a great idea! That's impossible to implement and not what this country is about. Heck, that's like saying, "Let's keep all the leprechauns out."―Will Ferrell
I'll tell you something: whenever I get in a bad mood, I just picture his big fat orange Oompa Loompa face and I just piss my pants.―Will Ferrell
Poor Jeb! You gotta admit it's a pretty good plot twist that I turned out to be the smart one!―Will Ferrell 
Of course, I wish you would have asked me about the exclamation point on the end of his name. Look, I don't like the taste of broccoli but it doesn't get any tastier if you call it BROCCOLI!―Will Ferrell

Is The Donald Himself an Anchor Baby?

Donald Trump says that anchor babies are not American citizens and wants to deport them along with their parents, but is The Donald Himself an anchor baby? Trump's father, Frederick Trump (formerly Drumpf or Trumpf, according to extremely plausible rumors), married Mary Anne MacLeod in 1936. Mary Anne MacLeod was born in Tong, Stornoway, Scotland on May 10, 1912. She met Fredrick Trump while vacationing in New York. But how do we know that she stayed in the United States legally, rather than illegally? How do we know that she didn't return to Scotland to deliver and raise little Donald with the help of her family? How do we know that she ever legally married a real American citizen? If Donald Trump cannot produce proof of his mother's legal American residence and citizenship at the time he was born in 1942, does that not raise very serious doubts that Donald Trump may be an anchor baby born to a possibly illegal immigrant mother? And what about his father, Frederick Drumpf―how do we know with absolute certainty that he wasn't an anchor baby? Donald Drumpf's grandparents were married in Kallstadt, Germany in 1902 and only came to the United States when they were expelled by Germany because Friedrich Drumpf had failed to fulfill his military obligations, which made him a draft dodger in the German government's eyes. Elizabeth Drumpf was pregnant with Donald Trump's father at the time they were stripped of their German citizenship and deported. The Drumpfs did not want to come to the United States: they were forced! Does being expelled from Germany and having anchor babies here make the Drumpf family "real" American citizens, when The Donald Himself claims that merely being born on American soil is not enough? Don't the American people deserve absolute, completely verifiable proof that the Trumps are real American citizens, not a tribe of anchorites? Donald Trump is a prominent and energetic "birther," but what about his family's very serious citizenship questions? Is this "natural" American citizenship or highly unnatural? And why did the Drumpfs change their family name? Were they trying to hide something? Why have The Donald and his father both claimed to be of "Swedish" origins, rather than German? Could this be the reason for the deception: Donald Trump is a not-so-distant relative of Adolph Hitler! "Trump is related to Hitler on his paternal grandmother's side," explained Ivan Tobsu, director of the National Genealogical Society, which released its findings after studying the Drumpf family tree. "She lived in Bavaria and married Adolph Hitler's grand uncle from Austria-Hungary, Johann Nichtwirklich Drumpf." Suddenly, it all makes perfect sense! Why did Ivana Trump say that her husband kept a book of Hitler's speeches at his bedside? Why does Trump sound so much like Hitler talking about the Jews and Gypsies, when he talks about Muslims and Hispanics? Quite obviously, it's in his effin' GENES! (And while this is obviously a parody, it does seem The Donald has some explaining to do!)

Ten Things Republican Cats Could and Should Learn from Real Cats

Cats do not foul their own nests.
Cats do not cut their own throats to spite mice.
Cats do their own surveying and form their own independent opinions.
Cats do not form herds or follow incompetent leaders; they are nonconformists.
Cats do not suffer fools gladly, but try to avoid them at all costs.
Cats are curious creatures, but they don't bother themselves with inconsequential trivia.
Cats do not make mountains out of mouse holes! They are realists and skeptics.
Cats do not blame all their problems on cats with slightly different colorations.
Cats do not moralize about other cats who indulge in a little catnip.
Ditto for sex.

And perhaps most importantly, cats do not follow other cats just because they caterwaul the the longest and the loudest. Real cats, for instance, would not be fooled by a fat, ugly, oafish tomcat who showed one day on a stump, claiming to be "handsome" and "lovable" and promising to magically deliver tons of meat to their doorsteps if only they appoint him top dog (er, top cat). First, they would skeptically note that the would-be Fat Cat was, indeed, fat and ugly to boot, with the world's most hideous orange hair, so how could he possibly claim to be "handsome"? Then they would coolly note that, although he claimed to be "loved" by all the black cats and brown cats, in reality nearly all of them hated and despised him. Finally, they would note that, in reality, he had failed at mouse-catching more often than he had succeeded: what about his three marriages, his four bankruptcies, and all his other companies that failed and/or vanished completely: Trump Airlines, Trump University, Trump Vodka, Trump Steaks, Trump Mortgage, Trump the Game, Tour de Trump, etc. Real cats are realists and skeptics, not easily-swindled-suckers. And so, having determined that the Trumpster was a charlatan and a fraud, they would all yawn, stretch, present their anuses to show what they really of the Orange Impostor, and get back to living the best possible lives in the real world.

Is Fox News the Dr. Frankenstein Responsible for the Trump Monster?


How can we explain the rise of The Donald to the top of the Republican polls? Well, for year Fox News has been filling its viewers with irrational fears. Now we have Republican presidential candidates―particularly Donald Trump and Ben Carson―who seem to actually believe the conspiracy theories and outright lies broadcast by Faux News. Is Faux News the Dr. Frankenstein responsible for the creation of the Trump Monster?

The Putin-Trump Bromance Explained

The bromance between Mr. Putin and Mr. Trump actually makes perfect sense. Mr. Putin is one of the world's "strongman" leaders. The Donald, as wishy-washy as he is, wants to be seen as a Putin-like strongman. Putin probably thinks Trump is a flake (because he is), but what's the harm of flattering an egomaniac who may prove useful later? And Putin's flattery certainly appears to have worked splendidly with Trump, who craves attention the way a junkie craves his next fix. I recently stumbled upon an odd piece of writing in which the author called it his "dream of dreams" to be a punk like the Jean-Paul Belmondo character in Breathless―the thug who drives around with a gun pretending to shoot people at random. Oh, to be somebody that everybody else fears! Some men do "think" like that: mob bosses, gang leaders, and various other alpha male wannabes. Trump is a pretty big guy, and he used to collect rents in New York City neighborhoods. Perhaps he learned to appreciate the advantages of intimidation from someone he admired in his youth. Hell, his father, Fred Trump, used eminent domain and up to 900 evictions to create Trump Village in Coney Island. After he had so many people evicted, the development was named after his family. What arrogance! Perhaps our new strongman wannabe, The Donald, came by his "talents" the old-fashioned way, by inheriting them. In his own words The Donald says "eminent domain is wonderful." He told Neil Cavuto of Fox News that he agreed with the Supreme Court's Kelo decision "100 percent." So you and I have no real property rights, according to The Donald. Any developer can condemn our property to build a casino, a glitzy hotel, or anything else they can dream up. Individual rights mean little or nothing to The Donald, when he can put his name on another high-rise and brag about his "success" while ignoring all the people whose homes he condemned.

Get Smart! (Says the Man from CHAOS)

Donald Trump seems to think Paris is in Germany, since he tweeted: "Man shot inside Paris police station. Just announced that terror threat is at highest level. Germany is a total messbig crime. GET SMART!" That would be Maxwell Smart territory, if he were a double agent working for CHAOS!―Michael R. Burch

American Idol

Donald Trump is a good bad example of a  rule: the incompetent fail to recognize their own ineptitude. I used to see this hypothesis proved when I shot pool for money in my younger days: it is easy to take money from people who consider themselves to be great pool players, but seldom if ever actually run out. The people who win consistently at handicapped pool matches―where the better player spots the other player balls―are the ones who can honestly gauge their own abilities and avoid giving games away. We also see the hypothesis proved repeatedly on talent shows. Trump is like one of those tone-deaf shower singers on American Idol who seldom if ever hit a note correctly, then argue with the judges, insisting they'll soon be the next Elvis or Aretha. How is that possible? Because tone-deaf singers can't hear their musical mistakes. Donald Trump is so tone-deaf to his racism, chauvinism, intolerance and lack of decency that he can't "hear" how he really sounds. If he were a contestant on American Idol, he would screech out the all-time worst version of whatever song he chose, than insist that he was "better" (and "better looking") than Elvis, Sinatra, Usher, et al. So why can't millions of Americans "hear" how off-key Trump is, in his speeches, interviews and tweets? Probably because they, too, are tone-deaf to racism, chauvinism and intolerance. Why didn't more Southerners object to slavery prior to the Civil War? Because many white Southerners really believed they were "superior" to people with darker skin. Why didn't more Germans object to Hitler's racist rants about the Jews? Because many white Germans believed they were also "superior" to people with darker skin. In effect, Trump is preaching to the choir. When he promises to make American "great again," for white supremacists that appears to be a kind of code for making America "white again," or at least running it according to white conservative Christian principles. Of course it's ironic because Jesus Christ, the apostles and Hebrew prophets were flaming liberals. Trump is the antithesis of Jesus, so what does that say about the faith of his supporters? Can anyone actually see Jesus endorsing Trump―a rich, arrogant bully who plans to ban and deport millions of men, women and children whom Jesus would obviously have helped himself?

The Best Donald Trump Joke of All Time

The best joke about the 2015-2016 presidential campaign may have been told by Adlai Stevenson during his 1956 run for the presidency. When a woman called out, "Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!" the quick-witted Stevenson shot back, "That's not enough, madam, we need a majority!"

Donald Trump understands that he only needs a majority, not thinking people, to support and vote for him. Independent thinkers won't vote for Trump because they understand what he is saying and what his words really mean. A good example is Bill O'Reilly, the ultra-conservative host of a Fox News "no-spin zone" called The O'Reilly Factor. While I am not an O'Reilly fan, I have to give him credit for pointing out to Trump why he doesn't make any sense on important subjects like national security and the war on terror. Of course Trump just ignores O'Reilly, or talks over and past him. But I doubt that O'Reilly will endorse or vote for Trump, because he understands what Trump is saying and what his words actually mean. Unfortunately, many American voters seem more than willing to latch onto a few of Trump's vague promises (which would require magic wands to be fufilled), while completely ignoring the things he says that make him sound like another high-energy hysteric, Adolph Hitler. We don't need the ability to read between the lines with men like Herr Hitler and Herr Trump. We only need ears to hear and  brains capable of understanding who they are, what they stand for, and what they propose to do. When the Bible says, "He who has ears to hear, let him hear!" it obviously means "He who has ears to hear, had better listen, understand, think carefully, and act accordingly." When Germans heard Hitler foaming at the mouth, they should have listened, thought carefully, and voted for some party other than the Nazis. When Americans hear Republican presidential candidates like Trump, Cruz and Carson foaming at the mouth, saying insane things, they should do the same, or they risk suffering similar consequences. These are some of the insane "ideas" and "policies" proposed by Republican frontrunners for president:

Carpet-bomb parts of the Middle East to see if the sand will "glow" at night, an obvious reference to carpet-bombing with nukes.―Mr. Cruz Missile himself, Ted Cruz
Force American soldiers to become trackers, hunters and serial murderers of the wives and children of terrorist.―The Trump of Doom, Donald Trump
Shoot down a Russian plane that accidentally wanders into a Middle Eastern no-fly zone to "see what will happen."―Welcome to WWIII, courtesy of Crazy Ben Carson
Force pregnant girls and women to die rather than letting them have life-saving abortions, even though in most cases the fetuses would also die.―Mad Marco Rubio and other "fetal personhood" advocates
Deport 11 million people without due process, including women and children, creating a new, bigger Holocaust.―Ronald McDonald Trump-Bozo
Throw out freedom of religion ("ban all Muslims!") and freedom of speech ("close that Internet up!") because "security" must "rule" and we must do "unthinkable" things.―The Donald trumps the Constitution
Reject the Iran peace deal, presumably in order to fight another unwinnable trillion-dollar war on the same false premises as the war with Iraq.―All the Republican presidential candidates
Ignore the very clear evidence of global warming and the advice of climate scientists, risking a world so hot that our children and grandchildren may not be able to venture outside.―Ditto
Always favor the super-rich over the poor and middle classes on the theory that a little money will "trickle down" in an economic "golden shower."―Ditto
Spend trillions on new wars, but get rid of things we "can't afford" like Obamacare, Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, National Parks, the EPA, etc.―Lyin' Pat Ryan and other GOP big shots

More Donald Trump and Presidential Election Jokes

Yes, everybody likes Trump, even white supremacists, which is amazing because Trump isn't even white ... He's more Oompa-Loompamerican.―Stephen Colbert
Donald Trump keeps advising us to "GET SMART!" But he makes the stupidest mistakes: birtherism, autism, Ebola, "the blacks," Bette, Rosie, Heidi, Paris in Germany. That's Maxwell Smart territory.―Michael R. Burch
GET SMART, indeed! Recently, 41% of likely Trump voters said they supported bombing Agrabah, the mythical city of Disney's Aladdin cartoon!―Michael R. Burch
The closest Donald Trump ever came to actual combat was daring Crazy Ben Carson to stab him in the belt buckle; fortunately the hair-trigged psychopath was napping at the time.―Michael R. Burch
I do think Donald Trump is honest in his own way. He is honestly an egomaniacal billionaire.―Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert is right: Donald Trump is honest in his own way. He's even honest about the fact that he s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-s the truth, lying in order to tell people what they want to hear!―Michael R. Burch
According to Donald Trump, dishonesty is the best policy because the goal is not to win with honor, but to win at any price (and then brag about it incessantly).―Michael R. Burch
Mr. Trump claims he got to know Mr. Putin "very well" when they appeared on 60 Minutes. Welcome to Sarah Palin la-la-land, because they were interviewed separately and never met.―Michael R. Burch
In order to comply with  federal truth-in-advertising regulations, the major networks have jointly announced that all news programs will now carry the byline "All Trump all the time."―Michael R. Burch
Trump is more of a mall martist than an artist; he's more about glitz than Ritz. Backlighting marble and plating toilet bowls with minute quantities of dilute gold is hardly the height of art, or fashion.―Michael R. Burch
Trump claims to be Midas, but everything he touches eventually turns to crap: two ridiculous "reality" shows, three marriages, four bankruptcies, Trump University, Trump Airlines, Trump Steaks, Trump Vodka, Trump Mortgage, Trump Magazine, Trump the Game, Tour de Trump ... and that's just the tip of the fool's-gold-plated iceberg!―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump Plays the Rape Card

Donald Trump is playing the Rape Card, in his attempt to flummox Americans into electing him president. Trump recently compared Bill Clinton to Bill Cosby, encouraging reporters to "go after" the former president. Since Cosby has been accused of rape, Trump is obviously trying to make Bill Clinton's sex life an issue on the campaign trail. There are several problems with this ridiculous ploy.

First, Hillary Clinton is not her husband, but a woman in her own right, something Trump chooses to ignore. When Betty Ford had a drinking problem, that did not mean her husband was ineligible to be president. The principle of equality demands that Hillary Clinton should be judged by her own words and actions, not her husband's, and especially not when he was acting without her knowledge, and against her wishes and values.

Second, there is the problem of evidence and proof. Rape is a very serious accusation, but Americans are presumed innocent until proven guilty. There seems to be no physical evidence in the Broaddrick case, and there are not legions of women coming forward with similar accounts, as has been the case with Cosby. So the jury is still out, so to speak, and as far as we know Hillary Clinton is as much in the dark about what really happened as everyone else. If only one woman had accused Cosby of rape, and there was no evidence to support her claim, many Americans would give him the benefit of the doubt, and it is far less likely that he would have been arrested after so many years. But in any case, Hillary Clinton has not been accused of rape herself, nor of being an accomplice. Her husband was hiding his affairs from her and risked impeachment by lying to maintain the pretense that he was faithful. His wife was put in a no-win position, and she did what many wives do when their husbands cheat: she accepted the fact that he is human and chose to remain married. Why not understand and accept her very difficult decision?

Third and fourth, there are the problems of Trump's hypocrisy and chauvinism. He claims to be a Christian and calls the Bible the greatest book ever written. But the Bible is very clear on the subject of sexual relationships: a man is commanded to have sex with only one woman, after marriage, and then to remain faithful to her and not divorce her unless she is unfaithful to him. But Trump has bragged publicly about the "beautiful pieces of ass" he can get whenever he wants. He divorced two wives to marry younger, very beautiful women. He judges women by their looks. He has a very high standard for Hillary Clinton, and a much lower, easier standard for himself.

Fifth, Trump seems to be completely tone deaf to his own sexism and hypocrisy. Pardon my French, but he thinks his shit doesn't stink. Hillary Clinton should be judged by her words and deeds, because she is her own woman, not an extension of her husband. But then Trump should be judged by his own words and deeds, including the things he says and does in regard to women. And he is severely and sorely lacking there, as he is in so many other areas.

Try, Try, TRY Again!

The motto of Donald Trump and the re-FLUB-licans seems to be: "If at first we don't succeed, we'll do the same stupid things over and again over again!" Albert Einstein defined insanity as doing the same things over and over, hoping for different results. Here are some examples of sheer insanity. "ALL" means that all the Republic presidential candidates seem to favor the insanity, or that the insanity is part of the Republican party's national platform.

After Iraq was invaded on completely false premises—WMDs that did not exist and couldn't be used if they did—reject the Iran peace deal and prepare to go to war with Iran on the same false premises. [ALL]
Rather than blaming Republicans—Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, et al—for the illegal invasion of Iraq, blame Barack Obama, who voted against the invasion! [ALL]
Also blame Barack Obama for the rise of ISIS, even though a Republican president led the charge to invade Iraq, then ordered the withdrawal of American troops! [ALL]
Deny the very clear evidence of global warming (rising sea levels) and "Drill baby, drill!" and "Frack, frack, frack!" [ALL]
Ignore the fact that a pregnancy involves two lives, ignore the fact that pregnant girls and women can suffer or die, and make it difficult or impossible for them to get abortions with "fetal personhood" bills. [ALL]
Although carpet bombing is evil, a war crime, and doesn't work, carpet bomb parts of the Middle East. [Trump & Cruz]
Carpet bomb with nukes to see if the sands will "glow" at night. [Cruz]
Make a huge issue out of Barack Obama's birth status, then completely ignore the fact that Ted Cruz was born in Canada, the child of a Cuban-born father who fought with Fidel Castro and the communists.
Even though experts say there is no connection between vaccinations and autism, claim that there is, just as old wives once claimed that tomatoes were "poisonous." [Trump, Palin, others]
Throw out the Constitution and freedom of religion by favoring Christianity over other religions, even though most crimes in the US are committed by Christians. [ALL, or MOST]

These are just a few quick examples. One could go on for hours, but I'm sure you get the dismal picture!

Donald Trump is the "King of the Whoppers"

George Washington famously could not tell a lie. Donald Trump infamously cannot seem to tell the truth, or even a reasonable approximate. For example:

Donald Trump insists that he saw "thousands and thousands" of American Muslims celebrating the 9-11 attacks on TV. But where are the clips? The networks, anchors and reporters all say that such large-scale demonstrations were not televised. Why not? Because they did not occur anywhere in the United States. The police, firemen, governors, mayors and other officials confirm that large celebrations did not occur anywhere in the United States. Did every courageous American who responded on 9-11suddenly become a cowardly, treasonous liar, or does Trump just make up racist s**t in order to get gullible people to applaud and support him? It "never happened" according to John Farmer Jr., who was New Jersey's attorney general on Sept. 11, 2001 and who personally researched the reports of "celebrations" which proved to be as false as the claims that "people were wearing suicide vests in Times Square; that suspicious activity was occurring near critical power plants and refineries; that as many as 20,000 people were dead or trapped inside the twenty stories or so of burning ruins; that New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani was missing; that vigilante activity was beginning throughout the state, with vandalism of mosques and synagogues; and, notoriously, that Muslims were dancing on the rooftops and in the streets of Jersey City and Paterson." Farmer also served as senior counsel to the 9/11 Commission. As "evidence" that his wild exaggeration is "true," the Trumpster cited an alleged incident that was unattributed, unverified and not televised.

Trump also claims to have "seen" people leaping from the Twin Towers, from more than four miles away, though a thick curtain of smoke! His office is 4.1 miles north of the Twin Towers, and even in clear conditions that is too far away for human vision to make such distinctions. At that distance, Trump could not have distinguished falling bodies from falling debris. Furthermore, Trump claims to have "watched" the second plane hit: "I watched the second plane hit ... I saw the second plane hit the building." But that is something no one north of the Towers could have witnessed, because the second plane hit its target from the south and Trump could not have seen the collision when it happened.

Trump claims to have "predicted Osama bin Laden" in a book published the year before 9-11; however, the book The America We Deserve mentions bin Laden only once and predicts nothing about him, his plans or his future actions. And Trump was quite obviously pooh-poohing the idea that bin Laden really was "public enemy one." He wrote: "One day we're told that a shadowy figure with no fixed address named Osama bin-Laden is public enemy number one, and U.S. jetfighters lay waste to his camp in Afghanistan. He escapes back under some rock, and a few news cycles later it's on to a new enemy and new crisis. Dealing with many different countries at once may require many different strategies. But there isn't any excuse for the haphazard nature of our foreign policy. We don't have to reinvent the wheel for every new conflict." Once again, Trump has been caught lying, with his pants on fire.

Here, however, is a prediction that Trump did make, not so very long ago, in 2008: "I know Hillary and I think she'd make a great president or vice-president!"

Trump claims that he got to know Mr. Putin "very well" when they appeared on 60 Minutes. Welcome to Sarah Palin la-la-land, because they were interviewed separately and never met!
Trump said "there are no jobs" in June 2015, when official statistics reported 5.4 million job openings, the most in 15 years.
Trump insisted during a presidential debate that American wages are "too high" and reaffirmed the statement in an interview. Within a month he said that wages are "too low" and that we need smarter leaders!
Trump claimed that his campaign is 100% self-funded, but at the time more than 50% of his donations had come from outsiders.
Trump claims to love "the blacks" and "the Hispanics" and he insists that they love him in return. Ha! Study the polls, Donald Denial.
Trump tweeted a neo-Nazi claim that 81% of white homicide victims are killed by blacks; PolitiFact gave this lie a "pants on fire" rating. It is racist BS. The actual FBI figure is 15%.
Trump claims that the Mexican government deliberately "sends the bad ones over" to get rid of them; PolitiFact gave this lie a "pants on fire" rating. More racist BS.
Trump says Mexico doesn't have birthright citizenship. It does.
Trump claims that there are 30 to 34 million illegal immigrants in the U.S.; PolitiFact gave this lie a "pants on fire" rating. More racist BS. The actual figure is closer to 10 million.
Trump is a birther who claims that none of Barack Obama's classmates remember him, but in reality many do. PolitiFact gave this lie a "pants on fire" rating. More racist BS.
Trump claims the U.S. unemployment is as high as 42%; PolitiFact gave this lie a "pants on fire" rating, saying Trump's figure is "way off the charts."
Trump specializes in lies and innuendo. For instance, he claims to have "heard" that President Obama is "thinking" about "signing an executive order" to "take your guns away." More BS.
Trump also "heard" that President Obama plans to accept first 200,000 then 250,000 Syrian refugees. More lies. The actual number was 10,000.
Trump claims that his tax plan is "revenue neutral" but the pro-business Tax Foundation estimates that it would reduce revenues by $10 trillion over 10 years.
Trump claims that there is a link between vaccinations and autism, but scientist disagree and the "link" has been called an "elaborate fraud." Welcome again to Sarah Palin la-la-land.
The New York Times called Trump a serial liar: "In the Republican field, Mr. Trump has distinguished himself as fastest to dive to the bottom. If it's a lie too vile to utter aloud, count on Mr. Trump to say it, often."
The Washington Post said: "We are at the point in Donald Trump's campaign when it's difficult to decide whether to focus on his unconstitutional policy proposals or his blatant lies."
According to PolitiFact, nearly every "fact" Trump cites is a half-truth or an outright lie. He is only "mostly" true around 5% of the time, and lying in one form or another 95% of the time.

S**t Trump Said

Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest—and you all know it! Please don't feel so stupid or insecure.
During the November 10 Republican debate, Trump emphatically stated that American wages are "too high." [Ah, but what about your wages, Mr. Moneypockets?] 
After the debate in an interview, Trump confirmed what he said: "It's a tough position politically … Our taxes are too high, our wages are too high. Everything is too high. We have to compete with other countries."
Then a month later Trump tweeted: "Wages in are country are too low, good jobs are too few, and people have lost faith in our leaders. We need smart and strong leadership now!"
[Is it "smart" to say that wages went from "too high" to "too low" in a month? Is it "strong leadership" to waffle? Now Trump is "feeling the Bern" since Bernie Sanders called him to the carpet.]
I've said if Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her. [You've said it enough times to make it sound like a fetish, and we all understand what you mean by "date," creep!]
My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body. [How creepy can you get, but Ivanka will undoubtedly be impressed!]
I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist. [This is like saying: "I have many fabulous friends who happen to be Jewish, but I am an anti-Semite."]
The beauty of me is that I'm very rich.
The point is, you can never be too greedy. [Spoken like a true Gekko.]
I am a man of great achievement ... I always win ... It's what I do. I beat people. I win. [Despite three marriages, four bankruptcies, and many other failed businesses that even bankruptcy couldn't save?]
If Hillary Clinton can't satisfy her husband what makes her think she can satisfy America? [Is this odd little Mr. Wiggy Piggy the world's biggest oinker?]
The other candidates—they went in, they didn't know the air conditioning didn't work. They sweated like dogs. How are they gonna beat ISIS? [Because the White House has functional air conditioning?]
My Twitter has become so powerful that I can actually make my enemies tell the truth. [But nothing, it seems, can make you tell the truth, or even an approximation.]
I will be the greatest jobs president God ever created! [So says the man whose most famous words to date are "You're fired!"]
On social media, I'm the one that's beloved! [Like the gout, when it finally goes away?]
I have a great relationship with the Blacks! I've always had a great relationship with the Blacks! [Not when you call them "the Blacks" like a freakin' plantation overseer!]
Laziness is a trait in blacks. [Or, far more likely, a trait in your "thinking."]
Black guys counting my money! I hate it. The only kind of people I want counting my money are little short guys that wear yarmulkes every day. [Might as well spew some anti-Semitism while you're hot!]
You know, it doesn't really matter what [the media] write as long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of ass. [Is that what you call your wife and daughters? How charming!]

"To the victor belonged the spoils ... what we should to is TAKE OVER ... we pay our self [sic] $1.5 trillion or more ... we stay, and we keep the oil ... So, in a nutshell, we go in, we take over the [world's] second largest oil fields and we stay!" Donald the "Trump of Doom" said this to Bill O'Reilly while outlining his plan to use the US military to control and "take" (steal) Iraqi oil. Well, at least the "nutshell" part makes sense. Otherwise, this is the original Dick Cheney plan that backfired in Iraq, creating ISIS!

Related pages: The Best Donald Trump Jokes, The Best Donald Trump Jokes Part 2, The Best Donald Trump Puns, The Best Donald Trump Limericks, The Best Donald Trump Insults, 2016 Republican First Presidential Debate, Is there a Republican War on Women?, The Donald Trump Bible, The Best Ted Cruz Jokes, Conservatives Who Support Gay Marriage, Donald Trump Nicknames, Ten Reasons to "Fire" Donald Trump, Donald Trump's "Muslim Friends", Where Have All the Birthers Gone?, The Best Ted Cruz Jokes, Ted Cruz Nicknames, Is Ted Cruz an Anchor Baby?, More Donald Trump Jokes, Is Donald Trump a Fascist?, Donald Trump Trivia, Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast, Is Ted Cruz the Antichrist?, Marco Rubio Nicknames, Is Donald Trump the Antichrist?, Donald Trump Violence Quotes, Trump Trivia, Donald Trump in his Own Words: Fact-Checking Trump, Donald Trump Funny Campaign Slogans and Parodies, Donald Trump Halloween Ideas, The Best and Worst Tweets Ever, Donald Trump Tweets, Donald Trump Nicknames for his Cabinet, Family, Friends, Associates and Supporters, Famous Nicknames, Jared Kushner Nicknames

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