The Best Donald Trump Jokes, Puns, Tweets, Quotes, Poems, Limericks and Hashtags
Q: What do you call it when a Man-Baby takes over the American government?
A: Coup d'Tot.
Here are Donald Trump jokes by comedians like Samantha Bee, Lewis Black, Louis C.K., Michael Che, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson, Will Ferrell, Jay Leno, David Letterman, Bill Maher, Seth Meyers, Trevor Noah, Conan O'Brien, John Oliver, Chris Rock, Amy Shumer, Sarah Silverman and Jon Stewart. We also have quips and quotes by celebrities like Glenn Beck, Joe Biden, Cher, Hillary Clinton, Mark Cuban, Snoop Dogg, Van Jones, Rachel Maddow, Barack Obama, Dan Rather and Howard Stern. Plus we have "top ten" lists of puns, poems, limericks, tweets, memes, quotations, insults, nicknames, hashtags, campaign slogans and promises, coinages, etc.
Cannonball! Donald "Trump of Doom" enters the American political waters ... but can he really walk on water or will he belly-flop the world into oblivion?
Related pages: Trump Puns, Trump Limericks, Trump Nursery Rhymes, Trump Nicknames, Trump 666
Top Ten Donald Trump Jokes
Donald Trump is giving narcissism a bad name.―Madeline Begun Kane aka Mad Kane
There are schizophrenics with Tourette's who have more control over what comes out of their mouths than Donald Trump.―Bill Maher
Donald Trump is "the kind of person who goes to the Super Bowl and thinks the people in the huddle are talking about him."―Eric Schneiderman
Donald Trump likes to say he's a friend to "the blacks." Unless the Blacks are a family of white people, I'm guessing he's mistaken.―Seth Meyers
This is what I've been waiting for my whole life: a President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a$$hole!―Lewis Black
In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, Donald Trump said, "I believe in God." But of course The Donald was talking about HIMSELF.―Jay Leno
Maybe he should ease into this ... by running for a lower office first, like President of the Hair Club for Men.―Jimmy Kimmel
Here's the thing about Donald Trump: he never apologizes; he's never wrong no matter what crazy thing he says. He's the white Kanye.―Bill Maher
Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.―Craig Ferguson
Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he's sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that!―David Letterman
To see how Trump fulfills Biblical prophecies, just click the hyperlink.
Signs of the Resistance
These are the top ten signs carried by Trump protesters, followed by a number of honorable mentions.
Tiny hands, YUUUGE asshole!
Keep your tiny hands off my button!
Sex offenders are not allowed in government housing!
A woman's place is in the resistance.
Girls just wanna have fun-damental human rights.
Tweet women with respect!
Stop tweetin' u stoopid puddy gwabber!
Trump is making America grate again.
Love trumps hate.
Trump's wives are immigrants.
I've seen smarter cabinets at IKEA!
Impeach the orange.
Not my Cheeto!
Make The Donald Drumpf again: deport Trump.
Thanks to Celebrity Apprentice producer Mark Burnett, we don’t have to watch reality shows anymore ... because we’re living in one.―Jimmy Kimmel
More specifically, we are now living in Celebrity Apprentice President.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Dennis Rodman has more foreign policy experience than Jared Kushner. That's for real.―Jimmy Kimmel
Or is it for surreal?
The Dreamers? Ultimately, Donald Trump believes that if these kids want to be American, they have to do it the right way: by marrying Donald Trump.―Jimmy Kimmel
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream.
Donald Trump has a scheme.
On Martin Luther King day, Trump announced: "I too have a dream ... a big beautiful dream ... getting rid of the Dreamers!" Then he got back to what's really import, playing golf.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Trump is, indeed, a Stable Genius. He's like the boy who rakes muck in a barn full of pigs, donkeys and jackasses.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Trump is actually correct, for once. The world is full of shitholes. The biggest one's between his endlessly flapping lips!
Trump is doing a remarkable job of making China great again, by alienating country after country after country. Our loss of prestige is China's gain.
Trump has taken the "Art of the Deal" to unprecedented levels. He just announced that Norway will spend mega-bucks on the F-52, a plane that doesn't exist. Talk about stealth technology!
Speaking of Norway, if Trump was as smart as he claims, he'd know that Norwegians have no interest in vastly lowering their standard of living by emigrating to the United States. That would be like the Rockefellers migrating to a trailer park!
Why would Trump call nations of darker-skinned people "shitholes" and call for more Norwegian emigrants? He has a very simple plan to make American great again: import more Donalds and Ivankas! (He also seems to be planning to run for Grand Wizard of the KKK after the impeachment.)
When Trump tells other Americans to "get smart," he clearly means "smart" like himself and Maxwell Smart.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Omarosa saying Trump is "racial" but not a "racist" is like saying Hitler was "fanatical" but not a "fanatic."
There's a new movie in the works about the Trump-Bannon bromance: Fatal Detraction.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
After Michael Moore announced his intention to frack within sight of Mar-a-Lago, hinky Ryan Zinke rushed south to declare Florida off limits. Do we smell an orange rat?
What goes around, comes around. Trump’s top policy adviser, Stephen Miller, has called out an “angry, vindictive person” whose “grotesque comments are so out of touch with reality.” While everyone will assume he's talking about his boss, Miller was actually chiding Steve Bannon. Which is like Saruman berating Gollum for not being nicer to baby Hobbits.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
How incredibly intelligent is Trump? Let him explain the extent of his genius in his own words ...
I went to the best colleges for college!"—Donald J. Trump
I was a very excellent student!—Donald J. Trump
Actually, throughout my life, my two greatest assets have been mental stability, and being, like, really smart!—Donald J. Trump
I know words. I have the best words!—Donald J. Trump
Why are we not convinced?
Trump and his administration are also very challenged spellers: covfefe, tapp, councel, unpresidented, honered, Denmakr, thr, "here by" followed by "hearby" in an attempted correction, misspelling the name of British Prime Minister Theresa May three times, misspelling "attacker" as "attaker" twenty times, etc.
And Trump's ability to pronounce the "best words" is also highly questionable: yuge (for huge), diversary (for diversity), premedication (for premeditation), youfenism (for euphemism), Nahzees (for Nazis), rusher (for Russia), Mizzuria (for Missouri), Youtar (for Utah), Nuhvahduh (for Nevada), Jeruzu'um and Jerushalem (for Jerusalem), peninshula (for peninsula), internate (for internet), President Ulicious S. Grant, Two Corinthians, and even "God Bless the United Shates"!
Michael Moore threatened to begin fracking at Mar-a-Lago to protest Trump's decision to open nearly all U.S. offshore waters to drilling for oil and natural gas. "Our fracking off the coast of Mar-a-Lago begins right after Labor Day," Moore tweeted. "I’ve already got the rig — a beautiful Halliburton G-0008 fracking system with a monster Caterpillar engine!"
Israel is naming a high-speed rail station after Trump. It will be called the Armageddon Express.
Trump will declare North Korea a state sponsor of terror.―New York Post
North Korea will declare Trump a pate tonsure of error.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
TIME magazine disputed Trump's claim that he turned down the opportunity to be TIME's person of the year, by pointing out that Trump is a walking, talking ego, not a "person" per se.
I'm a liberal, but I have to object! It is obviously fake news that Tweety Twump has no real accomplishments! In reality, Tweetle-Dumb has accomplished the impossible twice. After all, he made George W. Bush seem wise and Richard M. Nixon virtuous!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Tweety Twump is taking us from unpwecedented to unpwesidented.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Tweety lacks the power of reason, but he compensates with the power of TWEASON!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Tweety has a new plan to plan to advance his cartoonish "agenda." He will wally his twoupe around the twoops.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Tweety's no conservative; he's a conswervative (emphasis on "con").―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
TwumpCawe is cwearly a wush to fudgement!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Tweety thought he saw a puddy tat ... so he groped it!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
In the Spirit of the Season: Trump Christmas Jokes and Puns
There will not be a Nativity scene on Capitol Hill this Christmas season. This isn't for religious reasons, but because no one could three Wise Men or a Virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding plenty of asses to fill the stable.
Have a very scary Trump Christmas!
Thanks to the Trumps the eerily-decorated White House now has "one of the scariest hallways in America," according to Gizmodo. Adjectives used to describe the Christmastime White House include "dark," "ominous," "diabolical," "spooky" and "Satanic." Comparisons have been drawn to Snow White’s escape route from the Huntsman, The White Witch’s Narnian forest, and that lovely spot where Voldemort drank a unicorn’s blood. But perhaps we should simply admit that "a cold day in hell" has finally arrived.
The holiday in question, in case you were checking your calendars, is Christmas, which in Melania Trump’s mind apparently conjures up the naked terror of running through a dark forest, alone, pursued by wraithlike shadows and the grasping claws of brittle, dead branches, the only sound the cackling of the ancient witch who will grant your wish to be rich and famous with a designer wardrobe and a gold-plated toilet … for a price.―Katie Rife
The Trump White House, with Melania Antoinette watching ballerinas dance, is remarkably Stepford-Wife-ish. But at least she casts a shadow, however ghostly!
"Photos were released yesterday of first lady Melania Trump decorating the White House for the holidays, though I'm not sure a rope ladder counts as a decoration."―Seth Meyers
Fabulous news for the Trump administration! According to DailyKos, "tens" attended the Trump tree lighting ceremony! (That is not "tens" as in supermodels, but as in small groups of white supremacists who fervidly dream of "all-white" Christmases.)―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Trump, for once, has kept his word by putting the "Christ" back in Christmas. On a daily basis, he makes 300 million Americans gasp and say "Jesus Christ, what is Trump doing now?"―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
With Trump at the reins, instead of Santa's Sleigh we now have Satan's Slay.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Christmas is coming!
Tycoons are getting fat!
Please put donations
in the Fat Cat's Hat.
If you haven't got a penny
he'll toss you in the stew,
but if you've got ten billion
then may TRUMP bless you!
―Michael R. Burch
For more Trump Christmas goodies (or baddies) please click here: Trump Christmas.
Trump is a walking, talking slurring basket case. Out of respect for the elderly senile, please be sure not to tweet #DentureDonald or variations like #IndenturedDonald!
Why did Trump endorse Roy "Score" Moore when Nostradumbass claimed he "knew" the Sludge Judge couldn't win? ...
Raptors of a feather
—Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump was not TIME's man of the year, but thanks to his incessant whining and plaintive demands for attention, TIME has made him its Man-Baby of the year for 2017! According to the grapes-of-wrath-vine, TIME will also award The Donald a Golden Diaper that matches his Golden Commode. Furthermore, Trump remains the favorite in the race for other awards: Fake News Reporter of the Year, Race-Baiter of the Year, Nazi Sympathizer of the Year, Warmonger of the Year, Male Chauvinist of the Year, and Sexual Predator of the Year.
OMG, just when we think the Race Grater can't get any more inappropriate, Trump outdoes himself! While meeting with Navajo code talkers, The Grate White Frother made a racist crack about "Pocahontas" and then, with condescension oozing from his pores, patted one of the elderly WWII heroes, saying: "But you know what, I like you. You are special people." Another truly cringe-worthy moment from Old Dickory.
It was a very touching scene when Donald Trump—gasping for breath on his political deathbed—begged Sludge Roy Moore to "Win one for the GROPER!"
Ah, so romantic! It was clearly a case of "love at first bite" when two political pod people—each a Preying Mantis—finally connected by entangling antennae while fully engaging masticating mandibles. It was as if creatures from Predator and Alien embraced, shared a slobbery wet kiss, vowed to "true" to one another, then started looking for warm-blooded humans to devour!
Later, Moore Iago & Co. celebrated Thanksgiving by chuckling about all the evangelical turkeys they'd plucked! Playboy Roy Moore was served by 14-year-olds in cute cowgirl costumes with ultra-short, tight skirts. Dining in pontific splendor at Mire-a-Lago, in between nibbles of succulent white breasts, the American Iago tweeted out the joyful news that the Messiah has indeed returned, in the form of The Donald Himself!
Trump says we don't need another liberal in the Senate. What we really need is another alpha male sexual predator with octopus-like tentacles, like Trump! Someone who's a Gliberal and Fiberal, like Trump!
Ask not what you can do for your country, ask how your daughters can service Moore Trump & Co.
Ivanka Trump said there's a special place in hell for people who prey on children. But then her father told Alabamans to vote for Roy "Score" Moore. Does that make our president the Devil, his Beast, or just an especially perverse Hellfire Imp?
Jeff Flake says that he would wouldn't vote for the Incredible Sincredible Roy Moore.
The White Pride Piper is back to his race-baiting ways. Trump tweeted IT WAS ME!, yelling in ALL CAPS that LaVar Ball should kneel and kiss his ring, like a dutiful plantation slave. When LaVar declined, Trump called him an "ungrateful fool." If there are two things Trumplethinskin can't stand, it's uppity women and uppity people with darker skin.
According to Trump, a black guy who shoplifts should be locked up for 10 years, a black guy who kneels during the anthem should be fired, and a white guy who repeatedly molests and propositions underage girls should be in the US Senate. But if a white guy gropes enough women and brags about it, he should be the American president!
Society is now one polish’d horde,
Form’d of two mighty tribes, the Bores and Bored.
—Lord Byron in his epic farce "Don Juan"
Amusing Trump Nicknames from High-Level Sources
THE MORON (Secretary of State Rex Tillerson used the term during a Pentagon meeting on July 20, 2017 with national security experts and Trump cabinet members in attendance.)
THE BOY SPOUTER (Rex Tillerson, who once headed the Boy Scouts, was very angry with Trump's self-serving and moronic speech to the Boy Scouts.)
BEDROCK (Rex Tillerson admits that he is Blarney to his bumbling caveman boss, President Flintstone, when he says they share "bedrock values.")
GOLDEN WRECKING BALL (Sarah Plain was not trying to be funny, but ended up being all too accurate ... so sad!)
AMNESTY DON (Steve Bannon of Breitbart hurled the ultimate white supremacist epithet at Trump.)
THE WINNING WHINER (The Donald bragged about how he "wins" by "whining" during an interview on CNN's New Day program.)
But there is a silver lining in the very dark presidential clouds: When this is how your friends describe you, and how you describe yourself, at least you don't have to worry about your enemies!
Call it Funny Money because the Republicans and their rich patrons will soon be laughing to the bank with your hard-earned money. How do they plan to shift trillions of dollars to the richest one percenters? By getting rid of estate taxes and lowering other taxes the rich already pay at lower effective rates than their secretaries (as Warren Buffet pointed out, admitting that it was very wrong). Why did the last two Republican candidates for president refuse to release their tax returns? Because two of America's richest men have probably paid next to nothing in taxes for a decade, or longer. Everyone knows it's a rigged system, and now Republicans want to rig it even more against the hardworking American middle class. It's a Shamerican Tax Plan, headed by Uncle Scam himself, the greatest scammer of all time. How will Trump & Co. fund their Reverse Robin Hood Scheme? By robbing you of your tax deductions for medical expenses and insurance, state income tax, sales tax, etc. Voting for Re-Flub-Lycans is like slitting one's own throat and the throats of one's children and grandchildren, who will be paying for these "tax cuts" with their blood, sweat and tears for the rest of their lives. So sad, but Trump needs more rich people to pay sky-high membership fees to join his ritzy golf clubs! Hell, the Trumpster's probably playing golf right now, using the presidency as free advertising while taxpayers pay millions of dollars per round for his security entourage.
Stop obsessing over who is taking the knee. Ex-Trump advisor Carter Page has just taken the Fifth.―@GeorgeTakei (aka Mr. Sulu)
If you're sitting on a roof in Texas right now, please take comfort in knowing your president won Missouri. By a lot.―@stonekettle
Hurricane Donald was the third category 5 storm to hit Puerto Rico. The Donald was quick to remind hurricane-battered Puerto Ricans that his Wall Street friends (i.e., his donors) must be repaid. It's so nice to know that the world's most powerful man has his priorities in order! Trump tweeted: "Much of the Island was destroyed, with billions of dollars owed to Wall Street and the banks, which, sadly, must be dealt with." Yes, never mind the deaths, the orphans, the homeless. What really matters is that hedge fund managers and bankers get nice, fat paychecks!
"I have no reaction. The mayor's living on a cot, and I hope the President has a good day of golf." This was the response of Russel L. Honoré, the retired general appointed by Bush to take over the federal response to Katrina in 2005. (We think this one is especially worth copying and pasting, sharing and tweeting.)
Carmen Yulín Cruz is a hero.
Trump is a zero.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Watergate was nothing compared to Floodgate. Trump was closer to a flood in a Russian hotel room than while campaigning and selling overpriced ball caps in Texas. Then the floodgates of his racism hit devastated Puerto Rico like a cyclone. Hurricane Donald is never happy unless he's stirring up white resentment against people with darker skin. This lily-white child of privilege detests underprivileged minorities with a real passion. The white heroes of the recovery in Texas are praiseworthy. The darker zeroes of Puerto Rico must be reminded that they are lazy, shiftless and need to pay their debts. Trump's disdain for people of color abundantly colors his responses to natural disasters.
Repealing DACA in order to MAGA is a load of CACA.―Stephen Colbert
You know what I love? A famous guy that will take me furniture shopping and just straight up grab my p***y.—Amy Schumer
Is it possible that we've all been groped by Donald J. Trump, but just didn't feel it because of his tiny baby hands?—Stephen Colbert
Things are getting so confusing! We now have three FLOTUSes: Melania Antoinette, Ivana Trump (the ex-wife who claims to be the First Lady), and Ivanka Trump, the First-Lady-Daughter/Proxy-Wife! And who knows how many interns and maids Trump has been groping in the Ovary Office?
Donald Trump makes no sense. He claims to be a germaphobe, but then he brags about groping women's genitals, including Melania's! He's obviously repelled by the thought of women's body fluids, but where does he spend all his free time? Trump's like someone with hay fever who sleeps on a bed of straw, then can't understand why he's itching and sneezing all the time.
Trump is so divorced from the Truth, he should pay it alimony.―Elizabeth Harris Burch aka @Ladydragyn
Trump is a pampered white millionaire who can say and do anything he likes, including grabbing women's genitals without their permission. And yet The Donald claims it is "wrong" for black millionaires to kneel to express their dissatisfaction with white tyrants like Himself. Is there, perhaps, something wrong with this picture? Black men who merely kneel to protest injustice are SOBs. White men with semiautomatic weapons who march with skinheads, Nazis and the KKK are "fine" people and it's wrong for anyone oppose them. Isn't that how Hitler and his goons got started?
Trump called for a boycott of the NFL, then immediately broke the boycott by watching the Cowboys play the Cardinals (because he tweeted about watching the game).
White House lawyer Ty Cobb claimed that "it would be truly shocking" if Paul Manafort had "tried to monetize his relationship with the president." But why would that be so shocking, when Trump himself has blatantly monetized the presidency?
If the guy was running Dairy Queen, he’d be gone. This guy couldn’t work at The Gap. So why do we have to be victimized by his fecklessness, his ignorance? ... Let’s just stop whining about what a goon he is and figure out a way to take him aside and put him in a home.―David Letterman
Ya gotta give Trump props for his remarkable consistency. He always says the worst possible thing at the worst possible time!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Once again, Trump has done the impossible. He turned a tough-as-nails Marine general into a serial face palmer during his U.N. speech.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Kathy Griffin has finally come to her senses! She now says that she doesn't regret her decapitated Trump photo. And let's be honest ... isn't decapitating Trump a guilty fantasy that we all secretly share?―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Green Eggs and Spam
by Michael R. Burch
I do not like your racist ways!
I do not like your hate for gays!
I do not like your talking rump!
I do not like you, Mr. Trump!
I do not like you here or there!
I do not like you anywhere!
I do not like your sham wall scam!
I do not like you, Trump, you ham!
I'm not sure the guy who holds fake press conferences, has a fake university, a fake foundation, fake hair, and a fake tan should be the one in charge of deciding what's real.—Seth Meyers
Steve Bannon told 60 Minutes that the mainstream media is trying to "destroy" Trump. However, Bannon neglected to mention that he is also trying to destroy Trump, and that Trump is trying very hard to destroy himself (and with remarkable success).―Michael R. Burch
Hamza bin Laden is apparently his father's anointed heir, according to recent Al-Qaeda propaganda which prominently features him. In related news, Hamza bin Laden has become a major Trump donor and Trump has appointed him to his swamp cabinet.
At long last, the Trump administration has identified three whistleblowers who will immediately hear The Donald screaming "You're fired!" The leakers' names are Truth, Patriotism and Integrity.
Donald Trump: a man with all the charm of a turd that won't flush.―Russell Howard
Say what you will about Trump, he is not stupid. He is a smart man with a deep understanding of what stupid people want.―Andy Borowitz
I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected.—Jon Stewart
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.—Albert Einstein, explaining why he couldn't hold a candle to Trump in the "idea" department
Trump has a better relationship with Tiffany than he does to facts.—Trevor Noah
Obviously, Trump didn't invent racism. If he had, it would have gone bankrupt years ago.—Samantha Bee
Only in America could a man whose staff took away his Twitter account be given the nuclear codes.―Graydon Carter
Trump is taking us from unprecedented to unpresidented.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Trump supporters continue to stand by their sham.―Michael R. Burch
Putin' It All Together
Russia is certainly Putin' on the Ritz, as vodka glasses tinkle celebrations in the Kremlin! It is certainly much easier (and far less expensive) to destroy the United States from within, than to face its formidable military! Donald Trump (aka Comrade Trumputin) has wildly exceeded all expectations. Even Mr. Putin never dreamed that the Brooklyn Bolshevik could bring down the once-mighty USA this quickly!
Q: What do you call it when the Kremlin, Trump Tower and white nationalists unite?
A: Putin' on the Ritz Cracker.
Trump's heart and sole tweet: he urges his Twitter followers to "heel and be stronger than ever before." Now the alt-right has a new rallying cry: "Heil Heeler!"―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" #HeilHeeler
The Best Donald Trump Russia Jokes
Donald Trump crowned Vladimir Putin's girlfriend Miss Universe in 2002. What are the odds? Was it payback for loads of dirty laundry washed clean by Putin's rubles?
Trump whitens and brightens his money the old-fashioned way. He launders it.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Let's hope Steve Bannon is as smart as he thinks he is. After his firing/resignation/ouster/whatever, Darth Bannon told the Weekly Standard that the Trump presidency is "over" without him. It was like Darth Vader saying, "Luke, I am no longer your Father and I want the key to the Death Star back!"―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
C'mon folks, please be fair! To call Trump a "lame duck" is an insult to handicapped waterfowl everywhere!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
A recent poll indicates that 36% of Republicans still approve of Trump. In related news, scientists have just confirmed that 36% of Republicans are deaf, blind and very, very dumb!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
NEWS FLASH: Donald Trump, the Remander-in-Chief, has ruled that transgenders cannot serve in the military. However, The Transgender Rearender, despite his self-proclaimed and acclaimed perfect health and virility, was rejected by the draft board. Therefore, The Gender Defender must be a transgender, and that explains The Gender Blender's saggy man-boobs and delicate ladyfingers!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
NEWS RASH: Scary Spicer has been replaced by Anthony Scaramucci, who is even scarier! Scaramooch in a rare instance of not dancing the Fandango once called Trump a "hack politician." But Mr. About-Face, yet another Gold Man Sucks hedge fund manager, has suddenly become Trump's biggliest and most gushingest Fan Boy. Did Mr. Moneybags offer him a raise? Now the Hacker Backer has Trump's back, or at least The Brownnoser's lips are planted firmly in Trump's pale orange posterior. Mr. Sicko Pants is busy making hay where the sun don't shine. Friends who once called Scaramucci the Mooch are now calling him the Smoocher. But we prefer the more accurate and descriptive A$$ki$$er. And while Moocholini has been identified by certain experts as belonging to a hyperactive species of Hedge Hog, there is a new report that he is actually a Scare Monkey. We, however, are actively investigating the possibility that Two-Faced Scaramucci is both! (We also believe he'll be the lead villain in the next Bratman movie.) At last word Little Tony Tutone had just cornered the world markets for bronzer and hair gel, while his blow-dryer is now the leading cause of global warming! Please stay "tuned" for further developments concerning Press Deputy DIP-pity-'Do.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
NEWS TRASH: Alas, Scaramooch will be forced to 'do the Tandango or go it alone, since his wife announced that she will divorce Mr. Irreconcilable Deferences because of his "naked political ambition." That may be a polite way of saying she will step gracefully aside so that The Premature Ejaculator and The Great Gropesby can consummate their obviously torrid love affair, after they were caught in flagrante delicto on national TV.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
NEWS GNASH: There's more bad news for Trump. His new White House Chief of Staff is a no-nonsense, straight-shooting former Marine: General John F. Kelly. Now that The ICE Man Cometh, what will become of Kelly's Zeroes? A longtime friend of Kelly's told The Washington Post that he "won't suffer idiots and fools." Obviously that means Low No IQ Trump is in deep sh*t! Does Kelly's refusal to abide idiots and fools make Trump a Lamé Duck President? Or perhaps a Flambé Duck President? On the brighter side, thanks to the hiring of Anthony "the Mooch" Scaramucci (yes, that is actually what he calls himself!) the Trump administration has finally come up with a unified message ... (drumroll please) ... ta da ... and the GRAND UNIFIED MESSAGE is ... Jeff Sessions sucks! And Reince Priebus sucks his own c*ck! And the Mooch would absolutely love to smooch Trump's c*ck! And, oh, yes ... (drumroll please) ... double ta da ... while Trump is being brownnosed and fellated by the Mooch, he is without-a-doubt the "most presidential" of presidents other than Abraham Lincoln! Thus King Gorge is immediately ready for Mount Rushmore (which would be sublimely appropriate, since he seems to be in more than a rush to mount the Mooch)!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
NEWS BACKLASH: Tracy Klugian described herself as "furious" about the canning of Anthony "the Conned Mic Gold Rush" Scaramucci. Klugian and other comedians are now demanding that President Trump appoint a replacement acceptable to the comedy industry. "Unless he picks someone of the order of Gary Busey or Snooki, it's going to get ugly," she warned. In related news, Andy Borowitz has estimated that the Smooch-Mooch's firing could cost the comedy industry four to five billion dollars! But the real loser in all this is Mario Cantone, who could have been the next Melissa McCarthy.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
NEWS SMASH: Folks, we can all take deep breaths and relax! Certain disaster has been averted, and things are back to merely abnormal in Trump's Bizarro World! We no longer have to fear a new Uncivil War between our government and mobs of homeless, starving comics! According to deniable sources, Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway will soon swoop in backwards asswards to replace the seemingly irreplaceable Mooch-Pooch! One Trump lapdog can easily replace another! And the Con-Way Twit will undoubtedly observe Moocholini's prime directive: "Always provide comedians with the best possible material. Make their jobs as easy sleazy as possible!"―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Please click here for all Anthony Scaramucci Nicknames
NEWS CRASH: The Mandarin Candidate briefly interrupted his 17-day Bedminster golf vacation to fan the flames of the Apocalypse into a raging inferno: "North Korea best not make any more threats to the United States! They will be met with fire, fury and frankly power the likes of which this world has never seen before!" So forget the horrors of WWII, the Holocaust and Hiroshima. That was child's play compared to the power Terminator Trump will unleash on the world, if North Korea emulates the U.S. by issuing threats! But there is one thing the Fourth Dorkman of the Apocalypse wants to make perfectly clear to everyone: he absolutely will not let destroying the world interfere with his golf game!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
NEWS REHASH: We can now confirm that Trump is an extremely rare example of the Orange-Tufted Ostrich, the only creature known to spout death-inviting nonsense then bury its head up its own ass to avoid reality. In January, Twitler twittered "It won't happen!" in regard to North Korea developing nukes that can reach the United States. Tweetle-Dumb's head has been firmly up his ass ever since. A few months later, Harry Kazianis, director of defense studies at the Center for the National Interest, announced: "Today is the day that we can definitely say North Korea is a nuclear power. There is no more time to stick our heads in the sand and think we have months or years to confront this challenge." But at last report, Uncle Ream US was still refusing to budge. King Leer's voice was faintly heard, however, muttering something about fire, fury and horrors worse than Hiroshima and Nagasaki.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
NEWS HALF-FULL GLASS: There has been a reprieve, of sorts. While mADD Max is still dedicated to the proposition of destroying the world, he has been so busy playing golf and preening for cameras that he hasn't had time to do the finger-strengthening exercises necessary for his underdeveloped digits to key in the nuclear codes! So we may have a few more hours, or perhaps even days, before the nukes start flying. But please don't get your hopes up. Trump has the biggest and best golf courses, the biggest and best nukes, and he will certainly deliver the biggest and best possible Apocalypse! The Firestarter even informed Gaum's governor that tourism will increase "tenfold" after he's done his thing, perhaps thinking of tourists gawking at the Bikini Atoll. Lots of money to be made, true!, but sixty years later nothing can live there.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
NEWS SPLASH: Call him the Cuck of the Walk. A giant inflatable chicken with a golden 'do was placed outside the White House "to criticize the president as a weak and ineffective leader," according to Taran Singh Brar, the director of the documentary film Chicken Don. "He's too afraid to release his tax returns, too afraid to stand up to Vladimir Putin, and now he's playing chicken with North Korea!" Alas, Trump was not able to see his uncanny likeness in person, being in the middle of yet another extended golf vacation. The Caddy Hack did, however, take a quick break between mulligans to berate the Senate for not working! As for nicknames, we tend to favor Chicken Little, since Trump is constantly wailing that the sky is falling.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
NEWS SLASH: The Wrath of Con adamantly refuses to rule out the "military option" on North Korea, Venezuela, Liechtenstein, Bouvet, Nauru, Timbuktu, Mitch McConnell, Rosie O'Donnell, Megyn Kelly and Arianna Huffington.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
NEWS KKK SASH: While the rest of the nation, including a number of high-ranking Republicans, called for the White Supremacist House to denounce terrorist attacks by neo-Nazis in Charlottesville, Gingervitis was having none of that. These terrorists were Trump's homies, his fans, his voters for chrissakes! So according to The White Pride Piper "many sides" were at fault, just as in the past, when slaves resisted whippings and victims of kangaroo courts resisted lynchings. So sad that slaves resisted being flogged! So sad that they opposed having their children sold down the river! Because they objected, they were equally to blame! So sad that "niggers" being hung from trees kicked their feet and could have potentially bruised their attackers! How very unfair to the white supremacists stringing them up! Because they did not go gently, they were equally to blame! And how very sad and unfair that Trump's father was once arrested at a KKK rally for assaulting a police officer! How equally unequally sad and unfair that Woody Guthrie wrote angry songs about "old man Trump" and his discrimination against black tenants! Yes, The Great White Dope and his homies have been terribly discriminated against! Now they will make AmeriKKKa grate again, and many people with darker skin will migrate again. The proper order (white men on top) must be restored, and Trump is their movement's Poster Man-Boy and Golden I-Con! Of course "Heil Hitlers!" were in order after Trump's stirring defense of Nazism, and the alt-right supplied them. Richard Spencer cheered Trump: "Hail Trump! Hail our people! Hail victory!" People in his audience snapped snazzy Nazi salutes. David Duke expressed profuse thanks to his beloved Hair Furor. Later when reporters questioned Trump―could he really be saying it was wrong to stand up to Nazis?―The AmeriKlan Idol informed them in no uncertain terms that Trump has the bigliest and best eyes. Trump sees things more clearly than anyone else. Trump sees all and knows all. His fake news "trumps" all other news, as his name suggests. After Trump repeatedly insisted that "both sides" were equally responsible for the violence at Charlottesville, CNN senior political analyst David Axelrod compared him to an out-of-control Runaway Truck: "There are no brakes, there is no reverse." John McCain and Mitt Romney pointed out the obvious: that it is not evil to oppose evil. Romney tweeted: "No, not the same. One side is racist, bigoted, Nazi. The other opposes racism and bigotry. Morally different universes." But then Trump probably considers women who resist his gropings to be "equally guilty," if not moreso!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
NEWS M*A*S*H*: Wild Bill Hiccup is the leader of the Hole-in-the-Head Gang, the tongue-tangled Gang that Couldn't Talk Straight. Professional criminals know better than to make up weak, nonsensical excuses for things they claim not to have done. But it's Rank Amateur Hour at the White House and our Celebrity Apprentice President is the new King of Unintentional Comedy. Trump can't keep his story straight for consecutive executive tweets. The White House is now on critical care.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
NEWS CRASH: Is Trump tired of "winning" yet, or did we mishear him? Perhaps the Trumpster meant that we would never hear the end of his whining. Is there any actual winning in sight? North Korea is launching ICBMs at an accelerated rate. The much-touted apartheid barrier has shrunk to a 28-mile "strip wall" and Congress will apparently refuse to fund even that token edifice. The Tin Pot Despot ordered Mexican president Peña Nieto to stop publicly refusing to pay for the wall, but once again failed to "win." After all his tough talk about protecting Syrian children and their mothers, Chicken Whittle meekly handed over their fates to Assad and Putin. Putin then spanked Trump in public by shuttering a dacha for American diplomats, after Trump had provided lavish retreats for Russian diplomats. Captain Shamerica reneged on his solemn campaign vows to pull out of NAFTA, to declare China a currency manipulator, and to institute "a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States." Last and completely least, TrumpedUpCare was exposed for the disaster that it so evidently was. When the last cards had been dealt face-up to Cassino Mussolini, the GOP had cashed out on The Great White Emancipator's grand designs to "free" the rich by killing off the poor and middle-income classes. King Trump the Grate then blasted his own party when he bitterly complained that Re-flub-Lycans "could not even negotiate a health care bill after seven years of talking." Now neo-Nazis are chanting "Heil Trump!" while the rest of the nation watches aghast in disbelief. If this is "winning," then clearly I am Trump's monkey uncle!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Ever wonder why Trump seems to be living on his Bedminster golf course these days? Turns out it's not because he loves golf, but because he considers the White House to be a "real dump." The White House was good enough for every president since John Adams, but not for King Trump the Toilet-Plater! At least now we know why Melania Antoinette never moved into the White House. Living in ritzy Trump Tower, she is apparently far above Dolley Madison, Jackie Kennedy, Nancy Reagan, Michelle Obama and all the other first ladies who made the White House the primary home for their husbands and families. When I told my wife what Trump said, she was shocked, then angry, observing that Trump is "trailer trash who won the lottery."
After Trump repeatedly insisted that "both sides" were equally responsible for the violence at Charlottesville, CNN senior political analyst David Axelrod compared him to an out-of-control, runaway truck: "There are no brakes, there is no reverse." John McCain and Mitt Romney pointed out the obvious: that it is not evil to oppose evil. Romney tweeted: "No, not the same. One side is racist, bigoted, Nazi. The other opposes racism and bigotry. Morally different universes." But then Trump probably considers women who resist his gropings to be "equally guilty," if not moreso!
As everyone knows (because he keeps reminding us), Trump only hires the very best people: for example, Mike "Dr. Strangelove" Flynn, Sean "Scary" Spicer, Reince "and Flush" Priebus and, of course, the Mooch. But really folks: is it Trump's fault that the very best people turn into human lemons as soon as they start working under him?
It sounds like Bob Corker has a corkscrew loose. Rather than advising John Kelly “to fire every single person” responsible for leaked information, he ought to advise General Kelly to start handing out medals for patriotism. When a president is constantly saying and doing the wrong things, there should be lots of whistle-blowing. And we can call the courageous whistleblowers “Kelly’s Heroes”!―Michael R. Burch
Personally, I'm still waiting for the winning, but the whining is getting old!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Donald Trump is absolutely correct when he insists that there has been no "chaos" in the White House. The correct term is pandemonium, as in a chorus of demons.
On his first day as White House Chief of Staff, John F. Kelly, a former Marine four-star general, told aides that he intends to impose a new sense of order and operational discipline that had been lacking heretofore. Toward that end, Kelly's first official act was to hand Trump a dunce cap, sit him in the time-out corner, and make him repeat "I will not tweet!" ten thousand times.
Trump is proof positive that fact really is stranger than fiction. A lot stranger. YUGELY and BIGLY stranger.―Michael R. Burch
Are you tired of "winning" yet? North Korea just launched another ICBM. Trump meekly handed over Syria's fate to Assad and Putin. Mexico refuses to pay for the wall, which could easily be defeated with ladders and spades (not to mention boats, helicopters and planes). And tellingly, after seven years of damning Obamacare as the work of the Devil, it turns out that Trump and the GOP are clueless about coming up with anything remotely as good, much less better. However, despite all his failed promises, Trump did produce one major miracle, however unintentional: He managed to make Obamacare vastly more popular!
Trump fired James Comey for being too hard on Hillary Clinton. Now he wants to fire Jeff Sessions for not being hard enough on her! It's like someone gave Viagra to Pinocchio and it went straight to his nose!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I have complete power to pardon myself for treason!―Donald Trump
Let me be perfectly clear: I did not collude with Russia. Like Sgt. Schultz, I know nutthink!―Jared Kushner
"I am eager to share any disinformation I have with investigating bodies!―Jared "Eager Beaver" Kushner (BTW, investigating bodies is his father-in-law's favorite pastime!)
Trump's plan to "crack down" on Wall Street is to move Wall Street into the White House.―Trevor Noah, after Trump hired yet another Goldman Sachs hedge fund manager
Yes, if you can't drain the swamp, why not bring the crocodiles into your living room and let them work on their death rolls? How entertaining!
Widdle Donnie Whinydiaper: the First Man-Baby President