The HyperTexts

The Best Donald Trump Jokes, Puns, Tweets, Quotes, Poems, Limericks and Hashtags

Q: What do you call it when a Man-Baby takes over the American government?
A: Coup d'Tot.

Here are Donald Trump jokes by comedians like Samantha Bee, Lewis Black, Louis C.K., Michael Che, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson, Will Ferrell, Jay Leno, David Letterman, Bill Maher, Seth Meyers, Trevor Noah, Conan O'Brien, John Oliver, Chris Rock, Amy Shumer, Sarah Silverman and Jon Stewart. We also have quips and quotes by celebrities like Glenn Beck, Joe Biden, Cher, Hillary Clinton, Mark Cuban, Snoop Dogg, Van Jones, Rachel Maddow, Barack Obama, Dan Rather and Howard Stern. Plus we have "top ten" lists of puns, poems, limericks, tweets, memes, quotations, insults, nicknames, hashtags, campaign slogans and promises, coinages, etc.



Cannonball! Donald "Trump of Doom" enters the American political waters ... but can he really walk on water or will he belly-flop the world into oblivion?

Related pages: Trump Puns, Trump Limericks, Trump Nicknames, Trump 666

Top Ten Donald Trump Jokes

Donald Trump is giving narcissism a bad name.―Madeline Begun Kane aka Mad Kane

There are schizophrenics with Tourette's who have more control over what comes out of their mouths than Donald Trump.―Bill Maher

Donald Trump is "the kind of person who goes to the Super Bowl and thinks the people in the huddle are talking about him."―Eric Schneiderman

Donald Trump likes to say he's a friend to "the blacks." Unless the Blacks are a family of white people, I'm guessing he's mistaken.―Seth Meyers

This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a$$hole!―Lewis Black

In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, Donald Trump said, "I believe in God." But of course The Donald was talking about HIMSELF.―Jay Leno

Maybe he should ease into this ... by running for a lower office first, like President of the Hair Club for Men.―Jimmy Kimmel

Here's the thing about Donald Trump: he never apologizes; he's never wrong no matter what crazy thing he says. He's the white Kanye.―Bill Maher

Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.―Craig Ferguson

Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he's sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that!―David Letterman

Bonus Tracks

If you're sitting on a roof in Texas right now, please take comfort in knowing your president won Missouri. By a lot.―@stonekettle

Watergate was nothing compared to Floodgate. Trump was closer to a flood in a Russian hotel room than he was while campaigning and selling overpriced ball caps in Texas.

Repealing DACA in order to MAGA is a load of CACA.―Stephen Colbert 

You know what I love? A famous guy that will take me furniture shopping and just straight up grab my p***y.—Amy Schumer

Is it possible that we've all been groped by Donald J. Trump, but just didn't feel it because of his tiny baby hands?—Stephen Colbert

Trump is so divorced from the Truth, he should pay it alimony.―Elizabeth Harris Burch aka @Ladydragyn

White House lawyer Ty Cobb claimed that "it would be truly shocking" if Paul Manafort had "tried to monetize his relationship with the president." But why would that be so shocking, when Trump himself has blatantly monetized the presidency?

If the guy was running Dairy Queen, he’d be gone. This guy couldn’t work at The Gap. So why do we have to be victimized by his fecklessness, his ignorance? ... Let’s just stop whining about what a goon he is and figure out a way to take him aside and put him in a home.―David Letterman

Ya gotta give Trump props for his remarkable consistency. He always says the worst possible thing at the worst possible time!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Once again, Trump has done the impossible. He turned a tough-as-nails Marine general into a serial face palmer during his U.N. speech.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Kathy Griffin has finally come to her senses! She now says that she doesn't regret her decapitated Trump photo. And let's be honest ... isn't decapitating Trump a guilty fantasy that we all secretly share?―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Green Eggs and Spam
by Michael R. Burch

I do not like your racist ways!
I do not like your hate for gays!
I do not like your talking rump!
I do not like you, Mr. Trump!

I do not like you here or there!
I do not like you anywhere!
I do not like your sham wall scam!
I do not like you, Trump, you ham!

I'm not sure the guy who holds fake press conferences, has a fake university, a fake foundation, fake hair, and a fake tan should be the one in charge of deciding what's real.—Seth Meyers

Steve Bannon told 60 Minutes that the mainstream media is trying to "destroy" Trump. However, Bannon neglected to mention that he is also trying to destroy Trump, and that Trump is trying very hard to destroy himself (and with remarkable success).―Michael R. Burch

Hamza bin Laden is apparently his father's anointed heir, according to recent Al-Qaeda propaganda which prominently features him. In related news, Hamza bin Laden has become a major Trump donor and Trump has appointed him to his swamp cabinet.

At long last, the Trump administration has identified three whistleblowers who will immediately hear The Donald screaming "You're fired!" The leakers' names are Truth, Patriotism and Integrity.

Donald Trump: a man with all the charm of a turd that won't flush.―Russell Howard

Say what you will about Trump, he is not stupid. He is a smart man with a deep understanding of what stupid people want.―Andy Borowitz

I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected.—Jon Stewart

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.—Albert Einstein, explaining why he couldn't hold a candle to Trump in the "idea" department

Trump has a better relationship with Tiffany than he does to facts.—Trevor Noah

Obviously, Trump didn't invent racism. If he had, it would have gone bankrupt years ago.—Samantha Bee

Only in America could a man whose staff took away his Twitter account be given the nuclear codes.―Graydon Carter

Trump is taking us from unprecedented to unpresidented.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump supporters continue to stand by their sham.―Michael R. Burch

Putin' It All Together

Russia is certainly Putin' on the Ritz, as vodka glasses tinkle celebrations in the Kremlin! It is certainly much easier (and far less expensive) to destroy the United States from within, than to face its formidable military! Donald Trump (aka Comrade Trumputin) has wildly exceeded all expectations. Even Mr. Putin never dreamed that the Brooklyn Bolshevik could bring down the once-mighty USA this quickly!

Q: What do you call it when the Kremlin, Trump Tower and white nationalists unite?
A: Putin' on the Ritz Cracker.

Trump's heart and sole tweet: he urges his Twitter followers to "heel and be stronger than ever before." Now the alt-right has a new rallying cry: "Heil Heeler!"―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" #HeilHeeler

The Best Donald Trump Russia Jokes

Donald Trump crowned Vladimir Putin's girlfriend Miss Universe in 2002. What are the odds? Was it payback for loads of dirty laundry washed clean by Putin's rubles?

Trump whitens and brightens his money the old-fashioned way. He launders it.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Let's hope Steve Bannon is as smart as he thinks he is. After his firing/resignation/ouster/whatever, Darth Bannon told the Weekly Standard that the Trump presidency is "over" without him. It was like Darth Vader saying, "Luke, I am no longer your Father and I want the key to the Death Star back!"―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

C'mon folks, please be fair! To call Trump a "lame duck" is an insult to handicapped waterfowl everywhere!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

A recent poll indicates that 36% of Republicans still approve of Trump. In related news, scientists have just confirmed that 36% of Republicans are deaf, blind and very, very dumb!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS FLASH: Donald Trump, the Remander-in-Chief, has ruled that transgenders cannot serve in the military. However, The Transgender Rearender, despite his self-proclaimed and acclaimed perfect health and virility, was rejected by the draft board. Therefore, The Gender Defender must be a transgender, and that explains The Gender Blender's saggy man-boobs and delicate ladyfingers!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS RASH: Scary Spicer has been replaced by Anthony Scaramucci, who is even scarier! Scaramooch in a rare instance of not dancing the Fandango once called Trump a "hack politician." But Mr. About-Face, yet another Gold Man Sucks hedge fund manager, has suddenly become Trump's biggliest and most gushingest Fan Boy. Did Mr. Moneybags offer him a raise? Now the Hacker Backer has Trump's back, or at least The Brownnoser's lips are planted firmly in Trump's pale orange posterior. Mr. Sicko Pants is busy making hay where the sun don't shine. Friends who once called Scaramucci the Mooch are now calling him the Smoocher. But we prefer the more accurate and descriptive A$$ki$$er. And while Moocholini has been identified by certain experts as belonging to a hyperactive species of Hedge Hog, there is a new report that he is actually a Scare Monkey. We, however, are actively investigating the possibility that Two-Faced Scaramucci is both! (We also believe he'll be the lead villain in the next Bratman movie.) At last word Little Tony Tutone had just cornered the world markets for bronzer and hair gel, while his blow-dryer is now the leading cause of global warming! Please stay "tuned" for further developments concerning Press Deputy DIP-pity-'Do.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS TRASH: Alas, Scaramooch will be forced to 'do the Tandango or go it alone, since his wife announced that she will divorce Mr. Irreconcilable Deferences because of his "naked political ambition." That may be a polite way of saying she will step gracefully aside so that The Premature Ejaculator and The Great Gropesby can consummate their obviously torrid love affair, after they were caught in flagrante delicto on national TV.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS GNASH: There's more bad news for Trump. His new White House Chief of Staff is a no-nonsense, straight-shooting former Marine: General John F. Kelly. Now that The ICE Man Cometh, what will become of Kelly's Zeroes? A longtime friend of Kelly's told The Washington Post that he "won't suffer idiots and fools." Obviously that means Low No IQ Trump is in deep sh*t! Does Kelly's refusal to abide idiots and fools make Trump a Lamé Duck President? Or perhaps a Flambé Duck President? On the brighter side, thanks to the hiring of Anthony "the Mooch" Scaramucci (yes, that is actually what he calls himself!) the Trump administration has finally come up with a unified message ... (drumroll please) ... ta da ... and the GRAND UNIFIED MESSAGE is ... Jeff Sessions sucks! And Reince Priebus sucks his own c*ck! And the Mooch would absolutely love to smooch Trump's c*ck! And, oh, yes ... (drumroll please) ... double ta da ... while Trump is being brownnosed and fellated by the Mooch, he is without-a-doubt the "most presidential" of presidents other than Abraham Lincoln! Thus King Gorge is immediately ready for Mount Rushmore (which would be sublimely appropriate, since he seems to be in more than a rush to mount the Mooch)!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS BACKLASH: Tracy Klugian described herself as "furious" about the canning of Anthony "the Conned Mic Gold Rush" Scaramucci. Klugian and other comedians are now demanding that President Trump appoint a replacement acceptable to the comedy industry. "Unless he picks someone of the order of Gary Busey or Snooki, it's going to get ugly," she warned. In related news, Andy Borowitz has estimated that the Smooch-Mooch's firing could cost the comedy industry four to five billion dollars! But the real loser in all this is Mario Cantone, who could have been the next Melissa McCarthy.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS SMASH: Folks, we can all take deep breaths and relax! Certain disaster has been averted, and things are back to merely abnormal in Trump's Bizarro World! We no longer have to fear a new Uncivil War between our government and mobs of homeless, starving comics! According to deniable sources, Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway will soon swoop in backwards asswards to replace the seemingly irreplaceable Mooch-Pooch! One Trump lapdog can easily replace another! And the Con-Way Twit will undoubtedly observe Moocholini's prime directive: "Always provide comedians with the best possible material. Make their jobs as easy sleazy as possible!"―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Please click here for all Anthony Scaramucci Nicknames

NEWS CRASH: The Mandarin Candidate briefly interrupted his 17-day Bedminster golf vacation to fan the flames of the Apocalypse into a raging inferno: "North Korea best not make any more threats to the United States! They will be met with fire, fury and frankly power the likes of which this world has never seen before!" So forget the horrors of WWII, the Holocaust and Hiroshima. That was child's play compared to the power Terminator Trump will unleash on the world, if North Korea emulates the U.S. by issuing threats! But there is one thing the Fourth Dorkman of the Apocalypse wants to make perfectly clear to everyone: he absolutely will not let destroying the world interfere with his golf game!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS REHASH: We can now confirm that Trump is an extremely rare example of the Orange-Tufted Ostrich, the only creature known to spout death-inviting nonsense then bury its head up its own ass to avoid reality. In January, Twitler twittered "It won't happen!" in regard to North Korea developing nukes that can reach the United States. Tweetle-Dumb's head has been firmly up his ass ever since. A few months later, Harry Kazianis, director of defense studies at the Center for the National Interest, announced: "Today is the day that we can definitely say North Korea is a nuclear power. There is no more time to stick our heads in the sand and think we have months or years to confront this challenge." But at last report, Uncle Ream US was still refusing to budge. King Leer's voice was faintly heard, however, muttering something about fire, fury and horrors worse than Hiroshima and Nagasaki.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS HALF-FULL GLASS: There has been a reprieve, of sorts. While mADD Max is still dedicated to the proposition of destroying the world, he has been so busy playing golf and preening for cameras that he hasn't had time to do the finger-strengthening exercises necessary for his underdeveloped digits to key in the nuclear codes! So we may have a few more hours, or perhaps even days, before the nukes start flying. But please don't get your hopes up. Trump has the biggest and best golf courses, the biggest and best nukes, and he will certainly deliver the  biggest and best possible Apocalypse! The Firestarter even informed Gaum's governor that tourism will increase "tenfold" after he's done his thing, perhaps thinking of tourists gawking at the Bikini Atoll. Lots of money to be made, true!, but sixty years later nothing can live there.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS SPLASH: Call him the Cuck of the Walk. A giant inflatable chicken with a golden 'do was placed outside the White House "to criticize the president as a weak and ineffective leader," according to Taran Singh Brar, the director of the documentary film Chicken Don. "He's too afraid to release his tax returns, too afraid to stand up to Vladimir Putin, and now he's playing chicken with North Korea!" Alas, Trump was not able to see his uncanny likeness in person, being in the middle of yet another extended golf vacation. The Caddy Hack did, however, take a quick break between mulligans to berate the Senate for not working! As for nicknames, we tend to favor Chicken Little, since Trump is constantly wailing that the sky is falling.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS SLASH: Douglas Board's disturbing but wildly entertaining "post-truth" novel Time of Lies proposes a way to get rid of a Kingpin like Trump. The solution involves employing an impersonator who steps in, then promptly retires. Fortunately, we have the perfect King Leer imposter in Alec Baldwin! Unfortunately, he may not be willing to take the YUGE financial haircut! Drats, curses, foiled again! Meanwhile, The Wrath of Con refuses to rule out the "military option" on North Korea, Venezuela, Liechtenstein, Bouvet, Nauru, Timbuktu, Mitch McConnell, Rosie O'Donnell, Megyn Kelly and Arianna Huffington.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS KKK SASH: While the rest of the nation, including a number of high-ranking Republicans, called for the White Supremacist House to denounce terrorist attacks by neo-Nazis in Charlottesville, Gingervitis was having none of that. These terrorists were Trump's homies, his fans, his voters for chrissakes! So according to The White Pride Piper "many sides" were at fault, just as in the past, when slaves resisted whippings and victims of kangaroo courts resisted lynchings. So sad that slaves resisted being flogged! So sad that they opposed having their children sold down the river! Because they objected, they were equally to blame! So sad that "niggers" being hung from trees kicked their feet and could have potentially bruised their attackers! How very unfair to the white supremacists stringing them up! Because they did not go gently, they were equally to blame! And how very sad and unfair that Trump's father was once arrested at a KKK rally for assaulting a police officer! How equally unequally sad and unfair that Woody Guthrie wrote angry songs about "old man Trump" and his discrimination against black tenants! Yes, The Great White Dope and his homies have been terribly discriminated against! Now they will make AmeriKKKa grate again, and many people with darker skin will migrate again. The proper order (white men on top) must be restored, and Trump is their movement's Poster Man-Boy and Golden I-Con! Of course "Heil Hitlers!" were in order after Trump's stirring defense of Nazism, and the alt-right supplied them. Richard Spencer cheered Trump: "Hail Trump! Hail our people! Hail victory!" People in his audience snapped snazzy Nazi salutes. David Duke expressed profuse thanks to his beloved Hair Furor. Later when reporters questioned Trump―could he really be saying it was wrong to stand up to Nazis?―The AmeriKlan Idol informed them in no uncertain terms that Trump has the bigliest and best eyes. Trump sees things more clearly than anyone else. Trump sees all and knows all. His fake news "trumps" all other news, as his name suggests. After Trump repeatedly insisted that "both sides" were equally responsible for the violence at Charlottesville, CNN senior political analyst David Axelrod compared him to an out-of-control Runaway Truck: "There are no brakes, there is no reverse." John McCain and Mitt Romney pointed out the obvious: that it is not evil to oppose evil. Romney tweeted: "No, not the same. One side is racist, bigoted, Nazi. The other opposes racism and bigotry. Morally different universes." But then Trump probably considers women who resist his gropings to be "equally guilty," if not moreso!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS M*A*S*H*: Wild Bill Hiccup is the leader of the Hole-in-the-Head Gang, the tongue-tangled Gang that Couldn't Talk Straight. Professional criminals know better than to make up weak, nonsensical excuses for things they claim not to have done. But it's Rank Amateur Hour at the White House and our Celebrity Apprentice President is the new King of Unintentional Comedy. Trump can't keep his story straight for consecutive executive tweets. The White House is now on critical care.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS CRASH: Is Trump tired of "winning" yet, or did we mishear him? Perhaps the Trumpster meant that we would never hear the end of his whining. Is there any actual winning in sight? North Korea is launching ICBMs at an accelerated rate. The much-touted apartheid barrier has shrunk to a 28-mile "strip wall" and Congress will apparently refuse to fund even that token edifice. The Tin Pot Despot ordered Mexican president Peña Nieto to stop publicly refusing to pay for the wall, but once again failed to "win." After all his tough talk about protecting Syrian children and their mothers, Chicken Whittle meekly handed over their fates to Assad and Putin. Putin then spanked Trump in public by shuttering a dacha for American diplomats, after Trump had provided lavish retreats for Russian diplomats. Captain Shamerica reneged on his solemn campaign vows to pull out of NAFTA, to declare China a currency manipulator, and to institute "a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States." Last and completely least, TrumpedUpCare was exposed for the disaster that it so evidently was. When the last cards had been dealt face-up to Cassino Mussolini, the GOP had cashed out on The Great White Emancipator's grand designs to "free" the rich by killing off the poor and middle-income classes. King Trump the Grate then blasted his own party when he bitterly complained that Re-flub-Lycans "could not even negotiate a health care bill after seven years of talking." Now neo-Nazis are chanting "Heil Trump!" while the rest of the nation watches aghast in disbelief. If this is "winning," then clearly I am Trump's monkey uncle!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Ever wonder why Trump seems to be living on his Bedminster golf course these days? Turns out it's not because he loves golf, but because he considers the White House to be a "real dump." The White House was good enough for every president since John Adams, but not for King Trump the Toilet-Plater! At least now we know why Melania Antoinette never moved into the White House. Living in ritzy Trump Tower, she is apparently far above Dolley Madison, Jackie Kennedy, Nancy Reagan, Michelle Obama and all the other first ladies who made the White House the primary home for their husbands and families. When I told my wife what Trump said, she was shocked, then angry, observing that Trump is "trailer trash who won the lottery."

After Trump repeatedly insisted that "both sides" were equally responsible for the violence at Charlottesville, CNN senior political analyst David Axelrod compared him to an out-of-control, runaway truck: "There are no brakes, there is no reverse." John McCain and Mitt Romney pointed out the obvious: that it is not evil to oppose evil. Romney tweeted: "No, not the same. One side is racist, bigoted, Nazi. The other opposes racism and bigotry. Morally different universes." But then Trump probably considers women who resist his gropings to be "equally guilty," if not moreso!

As everyone knows (because he keeps reminding us), Trump only hires the very best people: for example, Mike "Dr. Strangelove" Flynn, Sean "Scary" Spicer, Reince "and Flush" Priebus and, of course, the Mooch. But really folks: is it Trump's fault that the very best people turn into human lemons as soon as they start working under him?
It sounds like Bob Corker has a corkscrew loose. Rather than advising John Kelly “to fire every single person” responsible for leaked information, he ought to advise General Kelly to start handing out medals for patriotism. When a president is constantly saying and doing the wrong things, there should be lots of whistle-blowing. And we can call the courageous whistleblowers “Kelly’s Heroes”!―Michael R. Burch

Personally, I'm still waiting for the winning, but the whining is getting old!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" 

Donald Trump is absolutely correct when he insists that there has been no "chaos" in the White House. The correct term is pandemonium, as in a chorus of demons.

On his first day as White House Chief of Staff, John F. Kelly, a former Marine four-star general, told aides that he intends to impose a new sense of order and operational discipline that had been lacking heretofore. Toward that end, Kelly's first official act was to hand Trump a dunce cap, sit him in the time-out corner, and make him repeat "I will not tweet!" ten thousand times.

Trump is proof positive that fact really is stranger than fiction. A lot stranger. YUGELY and BIGLY stranger.―Michael R. Burch

Are you tired of "winning" yet? North Korea just launched another ICBM. Trump meekly handed over Syria's fate to Assad and Putin. Mexico refuses to pay for the wall, which could easily be defeated with ladders and spades (not to mention boats, helicopters and planes). And tellingly, after seven years of damning Obamacare as the work of the Devil, it turns out that Trump and the GOP are clueless about coming up with anything remotely as good, much less better. However, despite all his failed promises, Trump did produce one major miracle, however unintentional: He managed to make Obamacare vastly more popular!

Trump fired James Comey for being too hard on Hillary Clinton. Now he wants to fire Jeff Sessions for not being hard enough on her! It's like someone gave Viagra to Pinocchio and it went straight to his nose!
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I have complete power to pardon myself for treason!―Donald Trump

Let me be perfectly clear: I did not collude with Russia. Like Sgt. Schultz, I know nutthink!―Jared Kushner

"I am eager to share any disinformation I have with investigating bodies!―Jared "Eager Beaver" Kushner (BTW, investigating bodies is his father-in-law's favorite pastime!)

Trump's plan to "crack down" on Wall Street is to move Wall Street into the White House.―Trevor Noah, after Trump hired yet another Goldman Sachs hedge fund manager

Yes, if you can't drain the swamp, why not bring the crocodiles into your living room and let them work on their death rolls? How entertaining!

Widdle Donnie Whinydiaper: the First Man-Baby President

President Donald Trump signed bills in the  Roosevelt Room of the White House on Monday.

Tiny Hands Trump uses the world's smallest pen and desk to sign his latest dictatorial proclamations. The women pictured are nannies trying to persuade Bratman to take a nap and stop bullying the world, but Man-Baby Trump will have none of that! The antsy Combover Kid believes in ACTION, but hopefully his fingers are still too tiny, weak and delicate to key in the nuclear codes ...

President Donald Trump holds up his pen after signing the Historically Black Colleges and Universities HBCU Executive Order, Tuesday, Feb. 28, 2017, in the Oval Office in the White House in Washington.

Trump's nannies applaud as the Boychurian Candidate learns to operate a pen with his teeny-tiny fingers. Widdle Donnie Whinydiaper is certainly proud of his "big boy" accomplishment. But so far no one has been able to potty-train his mouth (or his Twitter account)!

There's a new reality show about the Trump presidency: The Boss Baby. Now showing at a theater near you!

Trump tweeted that Obama put a "tapp" on his phones. I think the Testy Toddler needs a ppat on the back and a good burpp, then a nice long napp.―Michael R. Burch

The Constitution does not allow 13-year-olds to become president and now we can see why. — Garrison Keillor

Trump supporters voted for change, and boy, are they going to get it! — Garrison Keillor, who calls Trump the "boy president"

When asked about the firing of James Comey, the Terrible Tyke paused, sucked his pacifier, adjusted his nappy, then blabbered: "Easy comey, easy goey!"―Michael R. Burch

Have no fear, Acting President Jared Kushner is here! Headmaster Kushner makes all major decisions while Truant Trump tweets, pouts, preens and cheats at putt-putt golf.

Trump is coming out with a sequel to The Art of the Deal. His new book is The Art of the Squeal. Turns out he's not a master dealmaker, after all, just a whiny brat.

Only in America could a man whose staff took away his Twitter account be given the nuclear codes.―Graydon Carter

It seems that everything the Trumps sell is made abroad. Apparently funding Chinese and Mexican sweatshops is the way to "make America great again."

The Donald has two hard-and-fast rules that govern everything he does: He never accepts anyone else's mistakes and he never admits his own.―Michael R. Burch

Confucius say: Man who lives behind glass wall should stop exposing his enormous ass!

Condoofus say: In addition to big, beautiful glass ceilings for women, we need big, beautiful glass walls for Hispanics!―Michael R. Burch
Condoofus say: We need more big, beautiful bombs! Healthcare for babies and grannies? Not so much!―Michael R. Burch
Condoofus say: I have the biggest, most beautiful launch codes! My women have the the biggest, most beautiful breasts! Everything else is FAKE NEWS!―Michael R. Burch

Tsarzan say: Obamacare bad! Very bad! Tsarzan kill Obamacare, maybe kill Jane and Boy. But that okay because Obamacare bad!―Michael R. Burch

According to an ABC News/Washington Post poll, 24% of Americans think that Trump's tweets are "fitting and proper." Evidently 24% of Americans have no clue what the words "fitting" and "proper" mean.―Michael R. Burch

Q: How many Trump cabinet members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them ... and he's still in the dark!

Q: How can you get Trump to change a light bulb?
A: You don't. He just lies that he changed it, while all the Republicans sit in the dark and agree.

Q: What's the biggest difference between Trump's presidential campaign and his Miss America contests?
A: In Miss America contests, we get to pick from 50 candidates who all want world peace!

Q: What's the difference between the Trumps and professional criminals?
A: Professional criminals don't make up ridiculous excuses for things they deny having done.

Q: What does Trump say when he looks in the mirror?
A: Pardon me!

TrumpCare or TrumpedUpCare?

Irony of ironies, we may be saved from TrumpCare because four Republican senators―Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Ron Johnson and Mike Lee―don't think it will kill enough Americans, and thus may refuse to vote for it!

So what's next? Not building the wall?―@DesiJed

Our thoughts
and prayers are with Paul Ryan, whose youthful dream of robbing poor people of their health coverage was dashed today.―@resnikoff

It's not just Lyin' Ryan whose most cherished dreams may be dashed. Trump seemed ecstatic at the thought of killing off less-fortunate Americans, calling TrumpedUpCare
"a big, fat, beautiful negotiation" during the first meeting of his Cabinet at the White House.

But not so quick! Re-flub-Lycans are not going to give up on their dream of killing poor and middle-class Americans so easily. Republican Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell told his cronies seated in the Senate chamber: "We cannot let this moment slip by!" Hell, John McCain got off his death-bed to vote in support of Obamacare repeal. Needless to say, he's getting the best possible medical care.

Senate Republicans may be evil, but they're not stupid. They are desperately trying to exempt themselves from their own healthcare bill! At least Marie Antoinette said, "Let them eat cake." Re-flub-Lycans say, "Let us eat cake, while everyone else starves!"

The art of the AHCA deal: (1) Bargain in bad faith. (2) Fail. (3) Give up. (4) Blame someone else, preferably Democrats even though they were excluded from the negotiations. (5) Go play golf and cheat to "win."

Trump is clearly delusional. He tweeted: "
I cannot imagine that Congress would dare to leave Washington without a beautiful new HealthCare bill fully approved and ready to go!" Can anyone with an ounce of sense imagine Republicans agreeing on a "beautiful" healthcare plan that covers everyone, as Trump promised while campaigning for president? He seems to actually believe that the pie in the sky he's been selling has nutritional value!

TrumpCareless is the most hated legislation in thirty years, but Trump and McConnell can't wait to get it passed, so they're holding senators hostage, knowing that if they go home their constituents will persuade them NOT to kill multitudes of less fortunate Americans. #FreeOurSenators

The orange Incredible Bulk warns that he will be "very angry" if TrumedUpCare is not passed quickly. He simply cannot wait to rip healthcare away from the most vulnerable Americans: babies, their mothers, the elderly, veterans of health- and mind-destroying wars. #SaveOurCitizens

It's no joke! TrumpCare really will save billions ... by making babies and grannies die sooner rather than later! Are we tired of "winning" yet?

TrumpCare is clearly a rush to fudgement!
―Michael R. Burch

TrumpCare hashtags: #TrumpedUpCare #TrumpWealthCare #TrumpHellCare #DumpCare #DrumpfCare #DumbkopfCare #ChumpCare #LyinRyanDyinCare

Kremlingate aka Russiagate, Trumpgate and Comeygate

G.O.P. now stands for "Government of Putin" and it is clearly of Putin, by Putin and for Putin.―Michael R. Burch

"Give 'Em Hell" Harry S. Truman said, "The buck stops here." One the other hand, "Myself Am Hell" Donald Drumpf said, "The ruble starts here!" (The phrase "Myself am hell" is the signature and self-diagnostic line of Lucifer in John Milton's epic poem Paradise Lost.)

"Russians make up a pretty disproportionate cross-section of a lot of our assets," Donald Trump Jr. told a real estate conference in 2008, "We see a lot of money pouring in from Russia." In 2014, when golf writer James Dodson asked Eric Trump how his father could finance golf courses when American banks were declining to lend money against such assets, he answered: "We don’t rely on American banks. We have all the funding we need out of Russia." So when Trump Sr. claims to have "no dealings" with Russia, he is obviously lying. And Trump Jr. made the purpose of his treasonous Trump Tower meeting with Russian agents crystal-clear when he informed Jared Kushner and Paul Manafort about the covert operation in an email with the subject heading: "Russia – Clinton – private and confidential." Folks, it doesn't take Sherlock Holmes or IBM's Watson to figure this one out!

There will be no single smoking gun that will bring down this White House. It will be death by firing squad—or perhaps a sequence of firing squads—as the whole story inexorably pours out of the administration’s smoldering ruins.―Frank Rich

In this sad but predictable tale, the GOP is the Titanic, while the Trump-Kushner gang is the iceberg that everyone can see but cannot possibly avoid. The difference is that Republicans will apparently give no thought to saving American women and children first, and will act merely for self-preservations, like rats abandoning a sinking vessel.

First, the good news: We have discovered the source of White House leaks! Now, the bad news: The treasonous leaker is the Big Leaker, President Trump himself, pissing on the truth.

The terse order to fire Comey came straight from Mr. Putin―"Nyet Comey!"―and was carried out by Acting President Jared "Jarhead" Kushner and Acting First Lady-Daughter Ivanka Trump-Kushner.

Comrade Trumputin was informed of Comey's termination while he was cheating at putt-putt golf and stealing milk money from kindergartners. The Donald grinned almost as widely as when he celebrated robbing millions of less-fortunate Americans of their healthcare. "Все в день работы!" the Brooklyn Bolshevik exclaimed ("All in a day's work!"). He then referred all questions to Sean "Scary" Spicer and Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway. Later, Trumputin was said to be "very disappointed" when he learned that "termination" meant "fired" rather than "executed." But he must be excused, because he is still struggling with his non-native language, English. He is much more fluent in his primary languages: Russian and Bullshit.

James Comey was Trump's homey when he investigated Hillary Clinton's emails. But when he refused to be Trump's lapdog, it was time for him to be neutered.

Now everyone is breathlessly awaiting word on who Putin will choose to replace FBI Director James Comey.―Gisele Dussault

Fact really is stranger than fiction. Morgan, Lewis & Bockiusthe law firm advising Trump on handling his business conflictswas named Russia's Law Firm of the Year in 2016!

Looking into money laundering around Trump is like investigating moisture in the middle of the ocean. — Mark Sumner

Trump telling the truth under oath would be as improbable as Moses parting the Red Sea, and would also require Divine Intervention.―Michael R. Burch

Reince Priebus said that he felt "blessed" to serve the Antichrist aka the Trump of Doom.

Featured Jokes (and Painful Observations)

A perv, a megalomaniacal fascist, a Russian spy and a con artist enter a bar together. The bartender looks up and asks, "What'll it be, President Trump?"

A new poll reveals that 61% of Americans think Trump is dishonest. In related news, scientists just discovered that 39% of Americans are deaf, blind and really, really dumb. — Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump criticizing someone else's cosmetic surgery is like Jeffery Dahmer criticizing Martha Stewart for keeping luncheon meat one day past the expiration date in her refrigerator! — Michael R. Burch

Tom Brady skipped meeting Trump at the White House for "personal family matters." That is apparently top secret code for "My wife doesn't want me to endorse a racist, chauvinistic, p*ssy-groping fascist!"

President Obama called TrumpedUpCare a "massive transfer of wealth" to the rich. But of course that has long been the GOP's dream. Trump is the billionaires' Messiah, leading the self-appointed Chosen Few to the Promised Land of plenty. If they have to kill a few million babies in the process, it's "no biggie."

Bill O'Reilly's podcasts will allow him to continue to reach the pod people.

Trump's position on climate change is "How can there be global warming when it's still so cold in my soul?" — Frankie Boyle

When Trump speaks, he sounds like a WWF wrestler plugging his next big match. — Ron Howard

White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus told ABC's Jonathan Karl that the Trump administration is "looking at" the First Amendment with the goal of either amending or abolishing it, in order to protect Trump from "unfair" criticism. Never mind that Trump has viciously attacked other people, often blatantly lying in the process. What's good for gander is obviously not good for the cooked goose, in Trump's kitchen where he dishes out the heat but can't take it. Now the days of free speech and dissent are apparently numbered, so please send us your best Trump jokes while you still can!

Former Twitter CEO Frank Costolo compared meeting with Trump to being waterboarded.

"All this information was cunningly concealed by being put in books!" David Frum tweeted in response to Trump's complaint that being president is much harder than he expected

Trump has the attention span of a gnat on meth.―GOP strategist Rick Wilson

Trump has the intellectual depth of a coat of paint.―Charles M. Blow

Trump coinages: Trumpese (n.) A new and very peculiar language in which honesty and accuracy are strictly verboten.

It is FAKE NEWS that Trump is an anti-Semite! Trump is obviously an equal opportunity hater. He despises everyone who isn't Donald J. Trump!

Mr. President, since all my success is clearly based on talking about you, if you really want to take me down, there’s an obvious way: Resign!―Stephen Colbert

A president going after someone telling jokes is unprecedented. That would be like Richard Nixon going after Alfred E. Neuman.―Stephen Colbert

Seventy-year-old men don't get less cranky or racist as time goes by ... Unless they happen to be visited by three spirits in the night!―Jon Stewart

Trump is considering a "huge reboot" of the White House ... I hope he starts by kicking his own ass out the door! — Michael R. Burch

Q: Why does Al Franken laugh whenever Trump speaks?
A: Because he knows a political joke when he hears one!

Maybe Trump meeting with crazy dictators isn't such a bad thing. We finally have a president who speaks fluent maniac.―Michael Che on SNL's Weekend Update

Emma Lazarus called Lady Liberty the "Mother of Exiles." Donald Trump has turned her into the "Smotherer of Exiles." — Michael R. Burch

The French have every right to continue looking down on Americans, since they sent their Trump to the unemployment line by a YUGE margin!

Q: How does Donald Trump disprove Darwin's theory?
A: Trump quite obviously did not evolve.

Q: How does Donald Trump repudiate Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.?
A: Trump is not equal to MLK, nor to other human beings with functional hearts, minds and consciences.

Q: How does Donald Trump confirm Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
A: Everything is "relative" to Trump and his YUGE ego is warping our space and time.

Q: Why is Donald Trump certain to win a Nobel for theoretical physics?
A: Trump proved that Newton's f=ma applies to politics, where Force=Mass (massive stupidity) times Asseleration (Trump's tweets).

Trump is so busy vacationing, playing golf, tweeting, posing for photo ops and campaigning for reelection that he has precious little time to govern. And that is YUGE silver lining for the United States!

Senator Bob Corker told TIME magazine: "I do wish somebody would take his iPhone away from him!" Yes, and his Twitter account too. Only in the United States do we entrust the nuclear codes to someone we wouldn't let babysit our pets, much less our teenage daughters.

This week Donald Trump started building his wall ... a wall between millions of Americans and their health care ... Many congressmen admitted they didn't even read the bill before voting on it. They're treating healthcare the way I treat an iTunes agreement! I'm sure it's fine, then suddenly I'm dealing with pre-existing conditions ... The bill was strongly opposed by the American Medical Association, the American Hospital Association, and the National Physicians Alliance. Though it did receive a rare thumbs-up from the Grim Reaper.―Colin Jost on SNL's Weekend Update

Truant Trump and Lyin' Ryan rushed the American Death Care Act (aka #TrumpedUpCare) through the House without waiting for the CBO to crunch the numbers. But what the hell―when you're ready, willing and eager to write off millions of Americans as lost causes, do the actual numbers really matter? Never mind that those "lost causes" include our aging parents, our grandparents, and eventually our children. Nothing matters to Trump except being a "winner." Now he's "won" and millions of "losers" will have to fend for themselves, at the mercy of heartless insurance companies who also intend to "win" at their expense.

Republican bigwigs are celebrating the denial of healthcare to millions of Americans. "Your premiums are going to come down," Trump rejoiced, dancing a happy jig, "because now we can kill you off if you're not rich!" Paul Ryan was described as "giddy." Mike Pence was positively "ecstatic." Many Trump supporters still don't seem to understand that they are the ones who will suffer under #TrumpedUpCare aka #Lyin'Ryan'Dyin'Care. Who will be hit the hardest? Older people on limited incomes. Who voted Trump into the nation's highest office? Ditto. Now the yoke's on them, as Groucho Marx would say, but unfortunately the same yoke is on us.

Republican Raul Labrador drew intense jeers at an Idaho town hall when he defended the GOP’s ObamaCare repeal plan by claiming that "Nobody dies because they don't have access to healthcare!" Trump's Labrador Retriever had previously opined that healthcare is not a basic human right. In other words, rich people are entitled to healthcare but the rest of us only have the "right" to suffer and die. It's hard to say whether the Labrador Guppy and his owner are evil or just plain stupid, but in either case the end result will be the same.

Warren Buffet told stockholders of Berkshire Hathaway that Trump would give the company a $9 billion tax break. So we can't afford decent healthcare for millions of less-fortunate Americans, but we can afford to help the super-rich, like Warren Buffet, get even richer! But there's no surprise here, because this is the real Republican game plan, and has been for decades. "Trickle down" economics is a golden shower, with the rich pissing their effluent waste on ordinary citizens.

The lesson Bill O'Reilly learned, albeit too late, is that a serial sex abuser must know when to quit TV and run for president.―Stanley Cohen

Donald Trump Jr. spent Earth Day shooting prairie dogs in Montana. Him heap big game hunter!

James Comey said it made him feel "mildly nauseous" to think he influenced the presidential election. Comey will feel "really nauseous" when Trump starts WWIII.

Comey said that he was compelled to announce the investigation of Hillary Clinton's emails, but somehow he was not compelled to announce the investigation of Trump's Russian ties. Now we voters feel nauseous!

Trump called national monuments established by Barack Obama an "egregious abuse of power." He then issued an executive order commanding the national monument at Mount Rushmore to add his image.

The good news is that Bannon has been banished. The bad news is that Reince Priebus is staying, so "Reince twice and spit!"―Michael R. Burch

With the demotion of Darth Bannon, the double-headed hydra Jervanka now rules, so be prepared to be "jerved off."―Michael R. Burch 

Trump was not being hypocritical about Sexual Assault Awareness Month. He was very sincere about letting everyone know that he and his friends Roger Ailes and Bill O'Reilly have the right to sexually assault women!

President Trump cavalierly said: "I don't think Bill O'Reilly did anything wrong." Of course not, since Trump bragged about groping women to Billy Bush League.

Sarah Silverman has called for a military coup to overthrow Trump. But unfortunately it seems there are no American generals that patriotic, brave or wise.

Donald Trump is on a fact-free diet.

Trump is now using Syrian children to justify his cruise missile attack on Syria. Those are the same Syrian children he not only banned from entering the United States, but said must be "taken out" by the American military as "retribution" for acts of terrorism. Is Trump incredibly confused or are those crocodile tears he's weeping?

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. told Erin Burnett that Trump is "turning America into a petrostate," noting that "It's hard to see a good end for our country from those kinds of policies." Will Trump kill your children or grandchildren by blithely ignoring the ever-mounting evidence of global warming (such as rising sea levels, which cannot be fudged)? Unfortunately, this is no joke. Today it's bees and other pollinators that are endangered. Tomorrow, it may be us and our descendents.

Trump was being questioned about collusion with Russia. A reporter asked him point-blank: "Have you or any members of your inner circle ever knowingly communicated with Russian intelligence agents?" Trump's face flushed crimson with rage. It took him nearly a minute to regain enough composure to speak. Then he screamed: "Read my lips ... NYET!"―Michael R. Burch 

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-Un start a nuclear war and die at the same time. They are greeted at the gates of hell by the Devil, who explains that they can make one final call, but such calls may be VERY expensive. Since they are rich and can't take it with them, all three agree. Putin calls Russia and talks for five minutes; the charge is one million dollars. Jong-Un calls North Korea and talks for ten minutes; the cost is two million dollars. Trump calls his family and talks bigly for hours, but the cost is only five bucks. A seething Putin demands to know why Trump got off so cheap. The Devil replies: "Since he took over, the US has gone to hell, so it's a local call!"

Theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking was asked in an interview whether his knowledge of the universe allowed him to explain Trump's popularity. "I can't," Hawking replied. "He's a demagogue who seems to appeal to the lowest common denominator." Understandably, the Trumpites were baffled by Hawking's use of moderately long words. But they were inordinately pleased to be considered "common dominators" following a "demigod."―Michael R. Burch

The swamp drained Trump, according to Republican congressman Justin Amash of Michigan. Trump is being mocked by his own party. “@RealDonaldTrump It’s a swamp not a hot tub. We both came here to drain it. #SwampCare polls 17%. Sad!” tweeted Representative Thomas Massie of Kentucky, a Tea Party conservative.

According to the New York Times, it was Acting President Stephen KKK Bannon who instructed Trump to use his Twitter feed as a "rhetorical prod" to attack conservatives like Amash and Massie who didn't fall in line. Does the phrase "divided we fall" ring any bells?

Richard Nixon insisted, "I am not a crook!" But of course he was. Now Donald Trump shrilly insists, "I am not a crook/con-artist/liar/traitor/spy/fascist/racist/bully/chauvinist/molester!" Methinks the laddie protests too much.―Michael R. Burch 

"When you are given immunity, that means that you have probably committed a crime," according to General Michael Flynn. Well, guess who is now pleading for immunity? Red Flynnstone himself!

When Trump promised that he would "drain the swamp," he forgot to mention than he would immediately restock it with cold-blooded Russian krokodils

Welcome to Trumpistan. Trump is draining the swamp of tadpoles and filling it with Gila monsters.―Graydon Carter

The GOP had seven years to come up with something better than Obamacare. It was their "job one." But in the end their only functional department was the complaint department.

Paul Ryan admitted: "This is a disappointing day for us." Ryan is YUGELY disappointed that he won't be able to kill less-advantaged American citizens by denying them decent healthcare.

Sweetie you are a first season Real Housewife making stuff up to stay on the show.—Andy Cohen, in response to Trump's fake news tweets

The house is on fire, Trump is running around with a box of matches, and the GOP demands to know who called the fire department.—Garry Kasparov, Chairman of the Human Rights Foundation

In the Kremlin the top-secret plan for Putin to control Trump is code-named "Operation Taming of the Orange Shrew." — Michael R. Burch

Trump, you're no "star."
Putin made you an American Czar.
Now, if we continue down this dark path you've chosen,
pretty soon we'll all be wearing lederhosen.
―Michael R. Burch

The White House resident
is NOT my president.
―Unknown

If you vote for Republicans
that makes you reflublicans!
They don't care like Obama,
not even for your momma.
They'll toss her in the dump,
bowing down to King Trump
in the ritzy Rose Garden
as he writes himself a pardon.
―Michael R. Burch


Today Trump said he believes in torturing prisoners. Which is bad news for Melania.―Jimmy Kimmel

Trump has only two options for illegal immigrants: "Get out!" or "Marry me!"―Jimmy Kimmel

Now Donald said he wants to run for President and move on into the White House. Why not? It wouldn’t be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home.—Snoop Dogg

Trump is like the guy who'll say anything to get laid, only this time he's trying to fuck the country.―Mark Cuban

It’s safe to say everything Trump touches turns to gold. Especially the Miss Teen U.S.A. contestants he pees on.―Seth McFarlane

Donald Trump really has egg on his face now. Which pairs nicely with the hash browns on the top of his head.―James Corden

Being on reality TV is the closest Trump ever got to reality. His children look like a teen movie about Wall Street vampires directed by Uday Hussein.―Frankie Boyle 

A Donald Trump rally was delayed for nearly two hours yesterday due to fog. At one point the fog was so thick, Trump supporters couldn't even see who they were punching!―Conan O’Brien

Trump told supporters he'd like to punch protesters in the face, but he looks more like the guy who strokes a white cat while somebody else punches you in the face.―Seth Meyers

For Trump, women are either servants or sex objects, rated on a scale of 1-10.―LiberallyBlogging in DailyKos

Trump's movement is great ... for a bowel movement.―Michael R. Burch

The Donald will remain executive producer of Celebrity Apprentice. And that's only fitting, since Trump will be the first Celebrity Apprentice President.―Michael R. Burch

Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway claims microwaves can be turned into "cameras." Is that how her brain got scrambled—by an overactive microwave oven?

Rachel Maddow has Trump's tax return. He must have signed it too close to his microwave. And in the process his brain vaporized and his hands shrank to the size of daffodils.

It's important to be fair. And it is beyond obvious that Trump couldn't possibly have groped all those women because his fingers are far too tiny, dainty, weak and fragile! #ExonerateBabyFingersTrump

It is completely unfair to compare Donald Trump to Chicken Little! Chicken Little only cried that the sky was falling. Trump's crying is actually making it fall!

How's that Hillary hate thing working out for you, Bernie supporters, now that Trump's president?

C'm'on lefties! Admit that Trump has been very tough on China! He has been especially tough on Chinese kids who slave away in sweatboxes, making his menswear! He has also been incredibly tough on Hispanic and Muslim kids!

Trump "Solution" Jokes

When Obama was president, a 4.8% jobless rate was "totally fiction" and the "real" rate was around 42%. But now that Trump is president, virtually the same rate (4.7%) is suddenly solid gold and the gospel truth!

The GOP's Unaffordable No Care Act will be known unofficially as TrumpedUpCare and Lyin'RyanDyin'Care, since both Trump and Ryan will claim credit for it ... until it implodes.
TrumpedUpCare's biggest losers, ironically, will be Trump's supporters. Obama was Evil Incarnate for trying to help them. Trump is an Angel for sentencing them to slow, lingering deaths. Go figure.
#TrumpedUpCare is #WealthCare, not healthcare.
Obama did care about the less fortunate. Trump only cares about the fortunate, like Himself, and thus his plan is #NoMamaCare.
The Congressional Budget Office confirmed what we already knew: Trump and the GOP don't care whether we live or die, and #TrumpedUpCare proves it.
Trump supporters evidently believe that the only people losing healthcare will be "those people." They are about to learn that they are "those people" to Trump, Ryan and the GOP.
Lyin' Ryan told the truth for a change: he admitted to Rich Lowry that he has been dreaming of cutting Medicaid since he started drinking out of kegs. Here's a toast to all the people Lyin' Ryan will kill. Skoal.
According to Paul Ryan, covering more people is just a "beauty contest." And of course Trump is the King of beauty contests. The more attractive female patients will be ogled and groped; the rest can die and go to hell for all that Tricky Trump and Lyin' Ryan care.
Donald was once a popular name in Scotland, but no longer. Donald is going the way of the German name Adolf, and for the same reason.
Now we know why Trump wanted to become president: so he could claim "immunity" and pardon himself for multiple cases of sexual assault!
Since Trump and Ryan weren't able to kill millions quickly by taking away their healthcare, they have opted to kill billions slowly by polluting the earth till it fries us to crisps.
Trump declared the "start of a new era" in which coal mining trumps clean energy. That's like preferring ox-drawn plows to tractors and combines, only with deadlier consequences.
Trump likes to style himself not only as a dealmaker, but as "the closer." But he's closer to a loser after his primary initiatives have failed miserably.
Trump has a "Big Agenda." It's absolutely YUGE. Amerika's Reverse Robin Hood will rob the poor and give liberally to the super-rich. That, apparently, makes him a conservative!
TrumpedUpCare is the reverse of real healthcare: it offers smaller premiums to very healthy people and allows everyone else to wither and die. Will Trump and Ryan kill someone you love?
When Trump and Pence met with the far-right House Freedom Caucus, a room full of men stood and cheered a plan that would strip women and babies of maternity and prenatal care. Go, boys, go!

Senator Charles Schumer: "Ultimately, the TrumpCare bill failed because of two traits that have plagued the Trump presidency since he took office: incompetence and broken promises. In my life, I have never seen an administration as incompetent as the one occupying the White House today. They can't write policy that actually makes sense, they can't implement the policies they do manage to write, they can't get their stories straight, and today we've learned that they can't close a deal, and they can't count votes. So much for the Art of the Deal. I also have never seen a President break as many promises to working people as this President has done in just over two months. President Trump said we're going to have health insurance for everyone that's going to cost less. TrumpCare would have done exactly the opposite. This bill would have been a boon for the wealthy, providing a huge tax cut for Americans making over $250,000, while causing premiums to rise by more than $12,000 for lower income seniors. Today should be the last day the cloud of TrumpCare hangs over the American people.

Jokes of the Day, Week and Month

Sean Spicer announced that Devin Nunes's secret visit to the White House was "routine and proper." Spicer added that Donald Trump's groping of non-consenting women was also "routine and proper."
Hey, Trump, guess what? We're not tired of winning yet! Are you getting tired of losing? #TheLoyalOpposition #TheResistance #LoveTrumpsHate
Trump is right about one thing: it is time to repeal and replace ... him! #DumpTrump
Oh the irony that Donald Trump and Paul Ryan have no Plan B!―@margarita (Plan B is the morning after pill, which arch conservatives hate and hope to ban)
This is absolutely YUGE! People are now showing up by the twos and tens at Trump's post-election rallies!
Trump just received 38 new trademarks in China, including one for "escort services." Yes, he is really "hard" on China ... positively rigid!
"Escort services" sounds about right, though one source also calls it "concierge services." Either way, someone is getting screwed. — Walter Einenkel in Daily Kos
Americans keep mishearing Trump. He didn't say that he would be "hard on" Russia and China. He said that he has a "hard on" for Russia and China. — Michael R. Burch #TrumpHardonChina
It's a miracle! When Trump was running for president the employment rate was a hoax and a disaster. Now that he's president, the employment rate is suddenly real, and a very good thing! #TruthTrumped
Donald Trump will have yet another "victory celebration," this time in Nashville. In other news, Nashville's mayor announced that the city will be renamed Gnashville in Trump's honor.
Will Tweety and the Twits be shown the door soon? Will it be the door of a federal prison, for the high crime of treason?―Michael R. Burch
Harry Truman said "The buck stops here!" But when Trump tweets "The muck starts here!"
Why does Trump make all those weird faces when he talks? He is trying very hard not to burst into laughter as he watches millions of people buying his BS.
We've been told that we must eventually accept the election results, so it's time to acknowledge our new acting president: Stephen KKK Bannon.
The ban is on, thanks to Acting President Bannon.―Michael R. Burch
Impeach President Bannon!
Trump is Wilhuff Tarkin, the evil but fragile Death Star commander. Bannon is his forbidding overlord, Darth Vader. The orders are issued in the background by the real mastermind, Emperor Putin.
All Trump's tweets boil down to one simple message: "I am the ANTICHRIST! Praise, worship and obey me while I summon the Apocalypse!"
Six Russian diplomats have died since November and they apparently appeared in Trump's MI6 dossier. While Trump is puttin' on the Ritz, is the KGB Putin on the Hitz?
The KGB is rolling up its Trump operations cell.―Ammo Hauler
Mr. Putin has decided that there must be no loose ends that might endanger the reign of his puppet, Comrade Trumputin.
It is FAKE NEWS that Trump is a know-nothing! Trump does know one thing: he knows how to get know-nothings to vote for him!―Michael R. Burch
Welcome to Lyin'RyanDyin'Care! Welcome to TrumpedUpCare! This is what we get when we elect Re-flub-Lycans.
According to the latest intelligence, Donald Trump is known at the Kremlin as Secret Agent 666, codename THE BEAST.
First, Richard Nixon insisted, "I am not a crook!" Now Donald Trump keeps insisting, "I am not a Russian spy, codenamed Comrade Trumputin!" — Michael R. Burch
George Washington is the father of the United States. Donald Trump is the father of the United States Serving Russia, the new U.S.S.R.
Donald Trump is imploding like a California mudslide, and he's taking the GOP infrastructure down with him.
Scott Pruitt claims carbon dioxide is not the primary cause of global warming. And he should know, because it is clearly the hot air emanating from his empty skull that is doing most of the damage!
Trump complaining about other people's fake news is like Niagara Falls complaining about your faucet dripping.―Michael R. Burch
Trump has infallible hindsight because his head is always up his ass.―Michael R. Burch
Trump is a triumph of de-evolution! He has the attention span of a goldfish, the intelligence of a dodo, the manners of a spitting cobra, the pride of a peacock, and the desire for attention of a hyperactive lapdog.
Friends, please don't act so surprised. This is was what happens when we elect an Orange-Tufted Shit Gibbon president. Now the monkey dances to Organ Grinder Bannon's dark, evil tunes.
Joe Scarborough accused Kellyanne Conway of being a "free agent." But he left out a word: she's a "fact-free agent."―Michael R. Burch
Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway said that if journalism were a "real business, 20% of the media would be fired for making so many mistakes. That's amusing, coming from Miss Misinformation herself!
It’s still difficult to classify Trump exactly: he’s not a classic Nazi, but would burn books if his supporters knew how to read.―Frankie Boyle
If the Queen ever has to shake Trump’s hand, she will put on so many gloves she’ll look like Mickey Mouse.―Frankie Boyle
I think I've got #TrumpTourette's. I know I should "go high" but every time I mention his name, it's followed by cursing! And the only cure is impeachment.―Elizabeth Harris Burch tweet
Is Trump really Putin's Puppet and Bannon's Bitch, or is The Donald his own man-baby?―Michael R. Burch
Kellyanne "Wrongway Conway" has proved that you certainly can put lipstick on a pig, then dress it up in "alternate facts" and watch it oink and boink its way to the presidency.―Michael R. Burch
Trump put Iran "on notice." Apparently he wrote "Please stop!" on a post-it note. Iran was not impressed and fired another missile. Is this the way the world ends: with a whimper then a bang?
Trump tweeted: 'We must keep "evil" out of our country!' We all agree, so let's ban and deport Trump. IMMEDIATELY. BIGLY. YUGELY.
It's interesting that Trump put "evil" in quotation marks, because we do that when we don't consider a term to be applicable. Is Trump really "smarter" than our generals? See what I mean?
The new Republican Party slogan: "Let's party like it's 1999 (BC)!"
Voters were sick of "politics as usual." And they got what they wanted because "nothing in politics is more unusual than Trump."―David Von Drehle
Don't dismiss a Donald Trump presidency. The man knows how to look successful while sitting atop a bankrupt empire.—@badbanana
Just when we think Trump's three-ring circus can't get any more entertaining, a new Bozo tumbles out of the clown car. Rick Perry? Which department? Oops!―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump Puns, Word-Play and Chiasmus

If Donald Trump gets elected, there'll be hell toupée.―Anonymous
When Trump is elected we will all have toupée the price.―Ryan Bourassa
Teddy Roosevelt spoke softly and carried a big stick; Donald Trump speaks loudly and carries a big shtick.―Michael R. Burch
Trump has always been a bully. Now he has the world's biggest bully pulpit.―Michael R. Burch
I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping.―Stephen Colbert
Americans have been mishearing The Donald: what he actually said is that he will make America grate again, after which many of them will migrate again.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump has filed so many bankruptcies that his children have receding heir lines.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump's favorite chapter of the Bible is obviously Chapter 11.―Anonymous
Donald Trump accused Huma Abedin of sharing state secrets with her husband. I think Trump clearly lacks a sense of Huma.— Michael R. Burch 
Donald Trump just announced that if the GOP doesn't treat him fairly, he will resurrect the Whig party and run as its hair apparent.―Michael R. Burch
Bill Clinton tried to keep his affairs private. Donald Trump makes his privates an international affair.―Michael R. Burch
These are clearly the end times, and now we understand why the prophets warned us about the Trump of Doom.―Michael R. Burch



Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast? This is no joke, because the most expensive single building ever sold in the United States was purchased by the Trump family, at 666 Fifth Avenue, a street that symbolizes money (Mammon). The price was $1.8 billion, which is three more sixes. Another Trump tower at One Journal Square will be 666 feet high with a price tag of $666 million. And still that is just the tip of the 666 iceberg. The founder of the original Trump company died on 6-6-6 and her maiden name may shock you: Elizabeth Christ. You can click the hyperlink to learn more (no annoying ads or requests for money; this is a public service). Yes, it does sound like the plot of a new OMEN movie, but in this case fact really is stranger than fiction. Ironically, evangelical Christian leaders are now lining up to endorse Trump. Have the very elect been deceived, just as the Hebrew prophets predicted thousands of years ago when they warned us to listen for the Trump of Doom? The Antichrist has been prophesied to be a sort of "reverse twin" of Jesus Christ, as if Lucifer became flesh and sought to become the Savior of the world. And Trump has certainly been proclaiming himself as the only possible Savior. For instance, at a campaign rally in Kiawah Island, S.C., the egomaniacal Trump made it clear that he, not God Almighty, is the only possible defender of Christians. Discussing ISIS, Trump said, "Their primary goal is to get to the Vatican. If and when the Vatican is attacked, the pope would only wish and have prayed that Donald Trump would have been elected president." In other words, it is useless for people of faith to pray to God for protection. Christians should pray for Trump to save them. After a terrorist attack in Pakistan on Easter Sunday, Trump tweeted: "Another radical Islamic attack, this time in Pakistan, targeting Christian women & children. At least 67 dead, 400 injured. I alone can solve." No compassion, no condolences, just Trump bragging on Trump. And what arrogance! Who but the Antichrist would claim to be the only possible savior of Christians? Who but the Antichrist would claim to be a Christian while denying the need to ask God for forgiveness? Who but the Antichrist would denigrate Holy Communion by reducing it to a "little cracker" and a "little wine," when these represent the sacred body and blood of Jesus Christ to real Christian believers?

Donald Trump is now ahead of Hillary Clinton in the polls. This was reported today in The Washington Post, and 2,000 years ago in the Book of Revelation.―Conan O'Brien

Republicans sowed intolerance and in its shadow, Trump sprang up like toxic fungi.
―Charles M. Blow

Are Republicans hypocrites? Do they tell their children to stand up to bullies, then like cowards refuse to stand up to Trump, the Ultimate Bully?―Michael R. Burch


The Second Coming of Hitler?

Prominent conservatives like David Koch have compared Trump's plans to ban, deport and register Muslims en masse to Hitler's fascist methods. Koch said: "We'll have them all register? That's reminiscent of Nazi Germany. I mean, that's monstrous." Is Hair Hitler the second coming of Herr Hitler?

Hitler claimed that he alone could make German great again; Trump claims that he alone can make America great again.
Hitler was a media pioneer, using radio broadcasts to delude the gullible masses; Trump uses Twitter, the Internet and TV.
Hitler used an airplane to fly around Germany, drumming up support for his insanity; Trump has a private jet.
Hitler's "base" was German white supremacists; Trump's "base" is American white supremacists.
Hitler scapegoated, banned and deported Jews, just as Trump plans to scapegoat, ban and deport Muslims and Hispanics.
Hitler's initial "solution" for the Jewish immigrants was giant internment/concentration camps; Trump's initial "solution" for Hispanic immigrants would also require giant interment/concentration camps.
Hitler's initial "solution" to the "Jewish problem" didn't work, nor will Trump's. Will Trump's "final solution" be the same as Hitler's? Trump has already advocated killing ("taking out") Muslim women and children.
Hitler was extremely militaristic; Trump has called himself the most militaristic person on the planet.
Hitler had a titanic ego and thought he was invincible; ditto for Trump.
Hitler had his brownshirts beat up protestors; Trump has protestors thrown out and physically manhandled. Like Hitler, Trump has no use for free speech or diversity, demanding blind obedience and conformity. 
Hitler had the world's oddest moustache; Trump has the world's weirdest combover.

Top Ten Donald Trump Hashtags

#Resist #DumpTrump #NeverTrump #RetireBitch (Danny Devito) #Trump666 #HissyFitHitler (Elizabeth Harris Burch aka Ladydragyn) #NotMyPresident #NoWalls #EqualityForAll #LoveTrumpsHate

Honorable Mention: #TrumpedUpCare (MRB) #Lyin'RyanDyin'Care (MRB) #NoMamaCare (MRB) #NastyWoman #WeakDonald #PixieFingersTrump #BoycottTrump #GirlcottTrump (MRB) #ChickenDonald #ChickenLittleDonald #TraitorTrump #PutinsPuppet #KremlinGate #RussiaGate #DaughterGate (MRB) #SlaughterGate (MRB)

Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway objects to the Obamacare replacement/disgracement being called Trumpcare. That's a valid objection, because Obama really did care, while Trump obviously doesn't. So let's call it what it is: #TrumpedUpCare and #NoMamaCare.

Get with the Program Pogrom, Lefties!

C'm'on lefties! Admit that Donald Trump has been very tough on China. He has been especially tough on Chinese kids who slave away in sweatboxes, making his menswear. He has also been incredibly tough on Hispanic kids. He will be even tougher on the Syrian kids he says we must "take out" (murder!) in order to win the war on terror. No wonder he's the idol of white supremacists everywhere! What a tough guy, what a Putin-like strongman, what a steely-eye hero, making damn sure that Syrian toddlers don't overthrow our vaunted armed forces in one of the great military coups of all time! Get with the program pogrom, you bleeding-heart lefties! Surely you know that Jesus Christ would have gone Rambo, grabbed his assault weapon and made damn sure that no Syrian babe or widowed mother ever received shelter on these Christian shores! Are you insane like President Obama to suggest that Americans should have the courage to show compassion to unfortunate people who are not Christians? (And please, please, PLEASE don't remind us about the parable of the Good Samaritan!)―Michael R. Burch

Things that go bump in the night
fill Herr Trump with irrational fright;
his brain hits the skids;
he screams, "Take out kids!"
Where's his self-alleged "courage" and "might"?
Is cowardice Trump's kryptonite?
—Michael R. Burch

Herr Trump's latest idea to "make American great again" is a real doozy that puts him in the same category as Herr Hitler. Our new Hair Hitler recently insisted three times that the world's most powerful nation must wage war on women and children, "taking them out" like pawns in a game of incredibly bloody chess. Asked during a Fox News interview about civilian casualties in the war on  terror, Trump replied: "We're fighting a very politically correct war [by trying to avoid harming civilians] ... And the other thing is with the terrorists, you have to take out their families. When you get these terrorists, you have to take out their families. They care about their lives, don't kid yourself. But they say they don't care about their lives. You have to take out their families." (As William Finnegan pointed out in an article for The New Yorker, "Even Slobodan Milosevic knew better than to talk like that in public." Also what Trump said makes no sense, because if the terrorists really do care about their lives, you can use their lives as "leverage" and don't have to take out their families. Not to mention that murdering noncombatant women and children is evil and a violation of international law and basic human decency.) According to our hysterical Herr Trump, it is "politically correct" (i.e., very bad) to try to avoid killing women and children, and the best way to "win" the war on terror is to become serial killers of women and children ourselves! Herr Trump, welcome to the club that includes Hitler, Stalin, Mao Zedong, Pol Pot, Idi Amin, Ivan the Terrible, Attila the Hun and Genghis Khan! How proud Americans will be when as Commander-in-Chief you order our highly-skilled professional soldiers to "take out" women and children! What a tough guy, what a hero, what a leader of men! Sieg Heil, Herr Trump!

A pale neo-Nazi, Herr Trump,
screamed "Take them all out!" at the stump:
"Mothers and kiddies!
Grandpappies, old biddies!
Just blow up the whole damn dump!"
—Michael R. Burch

If this discussion interests you, you can continue reading at Donald Trump's "Muslim Friends"

Dire Abby

Donald John Trump is a man of many talents, a real Renaissance man! For instance, The Donald has replaced Dear Abby as the nation's foremost provider of relationship advice to the lovelorn! But perhaps we should call him "Dire Abby" because the advice he tweets is seldom endearing or helpful. Here are a few quick examples in which Trump appears to be a cross between Dear Abby, Don Rickles and the National Enquirer ...

@ariannahuff is unattractive both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man―he made a good decision.
Everyone knows I am right that Robert Pattinson should dump Kristen Stewart. In a couple of years, he will thank me. Be smart, Robert!
Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog & will do it again―just watch. He can do much better!
@katyperry is no bargain, but I don't like John Mayer—he dates and tells—be careful Katy (just watch!).

Why would anyone take relationship advice from Dire Abby, and why would anyone elect such a crackpot president? He sounds like a teenage gossip trying to beak up someone else's relationship out of spite or envy.

Foxhole Humor: Observations about Donald J. Trump

Trump wants to ban non-Christian refugees from Middle Eastern hot spots. Thus, he would ban the Holy Family, since they were not Christians when Jesus was born in a hot spot: the Palestinian West Bank.
Nobel Laureate Paul Krugman said that Trump is mentally ill. But that seems like an insult to the insane, most of whom are not trying to destroy the world!
Thinking you're Napoleon makes you mentally ill. Claiming to be the Savior of the World? That makes you the ANTICHRIST!
A five-year-old boy was handcuffed, separated from his mother and held in custody for five hours as "a threat to America" at Washington DC’s Dulles Airport. He was later identified as US citizen.
Trump should self-deport himself, since he said the US "should not admit those who engage in acts of bigotry or hatred...or those who would oppress Americans of any race, gender, or sexual orientation."
When Andy Cohen asked Rachel Maddow what her first question would be if she booked him for her show, Maddow deadpanned: “Are you going to send me or anybody that I know to a camp?”
There is a silver lining within the dark cloud of a Trump presidency―sales of alcohol and antidepressants are already at all-time highs!
What Trump calls a "rigged" system, the rest of the world calls "democracy."―Michael R. Burch
Republican voters are sheep who keep electing wolves to run the economic slaughterhouse. Asking Trump to save them is like asking a python to embrace and nurture a lamb.
Trump is like the grade school bully who can't understand why other kids dislike him so intensely. In his mind, they are the problem, not his terrible behavior.
Trump evidently lied through the teeth to get elected; suddenly now everything is "negotiable." But how does one negotiate with a psychopathic liar? Trump is the boy who lied "Wolf!" repeatedly.
Donald Trump just announced the first immigrants to be deported: Lady Liberty (a French import) along with her huddled masses yearning to be free.―Michael R. Burch
John Zogby called Trump's acceptance speech "revolutionary." Perhaps, but based on the number of protesters, it seems more likely to START a revolution.
Trump's transition will be managed by a crack team ... of crackpots.―Michael R. Burch

Bonus Tracks

Donald Trump, without a doubt, you're a New York landmark. Which means it will only be a matter of time before you bulldoze yourself, erect some gaudy, tacky monstrosity, and put your name on it.―Larry King
This guy [Trump] is dangerously unhinged. And, for all the things people have said about me over the years, I should be able to spot Dangerously Unhinged.―Glenn Beck
Trump is TIME's scam, er, "man" of the year.
Obama really did care. Ryancare is dyin' care. Trumpcare is trumped up care. All Trump cares about is his "brand" and massaging his ego.―Michael R. Burch
When Trump says stuff, it doesn’t have to be practical or even true. Because he’s a liar. He’s a liar, he’s a racist and he’s a friend of Piers Morgan’s.―Andy Hamilton
Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway, aka Miss Misinformation, never dredged up a lie that she couldn't peddle like fool's gold to amateur prospectors.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump pledged to be loyal to the Green Party, the Communist Party and Party Central, as long as they agree to be nice to that thing on his head. If not, all bets are off. — Michael R. Burch
Yes, Trump really is keeping his promises ... the worst ones!
The universe's dark forces are in perfect alignment! Mr. Putin and Acting President Bannon want exactly the same thing: the destruction of American democracy and its worldwide influence.
“I’m a Leninist,” Bannon told The Daily Beast in 2013. “Lenin wanted to destroy the state, and that’s my goal too. I want to bring everything crashing down, and destroy all of today’s establishment.”
Of course Mr. Putin fully supports President Bannon's anti-American initiatives and has ordered his puppet, Comrade Trumputin, to aid and abet Benedict Bannon's acts of treason, espionage and sabotage.
Why does Trump reject American intelligence? His handler, Mr. Putin, is a KGB spook who despises and fears American intelligence. Comrade Trumputin is just following orders!
Why is Trump spending so much time on the golf course? It's part of his job. He's practicing to be Mr. Putin's caddy and water boy.
Trump is a YUGE fan of "state's rights," by which he means that states will have "rights" when they meekly obey his dictatorial edicts.
All those political jokes were bound to backfire. Now the worst one of all has been elected president and the yoke's on us!
Russia had Peter the Great. Germany had Frederick the Great. But Americans have been shortchanged, because our first dictator is Donald the Ingrate!
Trump's "tax plan" is simple: cut taxes for himself, his cronies and his companies, and let everyone else foot the bill. The eel-fingered Groper-in-Chief is now groping our wallets.
Scientists recently discovered a strange new insect: the Orange-Tufted Twitter Flitterbug. It's a nasty little parasitical midge, but it dreams that it's a Monarch!
Trump called Erdogan to congratulate him for becoming an absolute dictator, something Trump aspires to become himself.
Comrade Trumputin did not inform Congress of his Syrian missile strike, but he did inform Russia. It seems perfectly clear that Mr. Putin is running the show, and that Trump is Putin's Puppet.
Why do Trump & Co. attack journalists? For the same reason dumbass jocks beat up nerds: it's easier to smack someone smarter than to win a debate with false facts and bad logic.
As Nancy Gibbs, editor of TIME, pointed out: "The enemy in any democracy is not dissent ... The enemy is dishonesty, ignorance, indifference, intolerance." In other words, the enemy is Trump.
If PRIMA DONALD  is correct that fake news is the enemy of the people, then he is PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE, since no one has ever spewed more fake news than PRESIDENT PANTS-ON-FIRE.
Pope Francis describes Trump: "I belong to this association and that one, but my life is not Christian: I don't pay my workers a just wage, I exploit people, I am dirty in my business, I launder money … A double life."
Is Trump leading the ultimate double life? Is the Antichrist waving his Bible around, pretending to be a "Christian" while rushing the world toward Armageddon?
Thomas Jefferson said that he would choose "newspapers without a government" over "a government without newspapers." Trump prefers Big Brother to control everything, including the dissemination of fake news.
Shades of the Nazis! Trump's Gestapo just seized Sara Beltran Hernandez from her hospital bed, where she was awaiting life-saving brain surgery. Was our nation at risk, really, when she was unable to walk?
This is a guy born with a silver spoon in his mouth that he's choking on because his foot is in his mouth along with the spoon!―Vice President Joe Biden
"The media should be embarrassed and humiliated and keep its mouth shut! The media has zero integrity, zero intelligence, and no hard work!" This from Steve Bannon, the ahem media mogul.
Well, at least Steve "Loose Cannon" Bannon has admitted that he has zero integrity, zero intelligence, and doesn't work hard, preferring to publish "alternate facts" like his boss, the Trumpster.
Jake Tapper had the perfect response to Bannon's demand that the press "keep its mouth shut." He laughed and said, "No."
According to The New York Times, the White House kitchen has been stocked with President Trump’s favorite snacks: potato chips. And his Cabinet has been filled with crackers.―Seth Meyers
Some people have sex appeal. The Donald has hex appeal.―Michael R. Burch
"We've been in office now for about seven or eight days, and we've done an incredible amount!" White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus gushed on Face the Nation.
Yes, an incredible amount of DAMAGE, you nitwit! Destroying 250 years' worth of democratic progress in a week is nothing to brag about!
Only Trump and his minions like Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway and "Rinse" Priebus can make "great" and "incredible" sound like code words for the Apocalypse.
Wrongway Conway has finally found her true calling―she's a pitiful spin doctor, but knows how to shill Ivanka's overpriced clothes, so off to the shark tank with her (the real kind).
To trump Trump or not to trump, that is the question. It's rhetorical.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"
Look at the bright sideit will be the largest impeachment/indictment party in history.―Stanley Cohen
Of course, presidents always enter office with something to prove, it’s just rarely their sanity.―Frankie Boyle
You kind of wish he’d get therapy, but at this stage it’s like hiring a window cleaner for a burning building.―Frankie Boyle
Terrorists have developed a terrible new weapon to assassinate Trump: the dreaded surface-to-hair missile. The Pentagon is rapidly retooling Hair Force One to protect his blonde roots.
Speaking of blondes, Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway must have sniffed the peroxide before she applied it, when she created the "Bowling Green Massacre."
There was no "Bowling Green Massacre." There was no refugee "ban" in response to the non-existent massacre. First there was Faux News and now we have a Faux Presidency.
Hitler had Eva Braun. Napoleon had Josephine. Trump must be one hard-up fascist if the best he can afford is Kellyanne Conway! Like Julius Caesar, he has his Queen of Denial, but she is no Cleopatra.
Trump instructed his female staffers to #DressLikeWomen. Does Mr. Piggy Wiggy want them to dress like his wife Melania: topless, or with breast implants overflowing their bras? In g-strings? How?
The real winner of the election? Melania. She was promoted from third wife to First Lady! The downside is that she still has to sleep with Hair Hitler.
Lyin' Paul Ryan now wants to "repair" Obamacare! But when Obama was president, Lyin' Ryan insisted that repair was impossible. How many people suffered and died because of his lies?
Howard Stern expressed concern that Trump's
"sensitive ego" will be "very detrimental to his mental health" because "he wants to be liked, he wants to be loved, he wants people to cheer for him."
I'm with Stern. Poor little rich kid! After Trump insults and bullies other people incessantly, he still wants to be liked, loved and cheered. Yes, I feel very sorry for the pale, cold-blooded Vampire Lord!
Howard Stern has an interesting theory about Trump: "He's pissed he won. He still wants Hillary Clinton to win. He's so f-king pissed, he’s hoping that he can find some voter fraud and hand it over to Hillary!"
Why is Trump alienating our allies while cozying up to Mr. Putin? Why did Hitler have bromances with Mussolini and Stalin? Fascists of a feather flock together.―Michael R. Burch
Trump won't release his tax returns because his adjusted income and charity donations are even more miniscule than his teeny-tiny hands.
Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway is obviously sniffing the peroxide before she bleaches her hair.―Michael R. Burch
GOP bigwigs just announced that Obamacare will be replaced by one of three "much better" alternatives: TrumpedUpCare, Lyin'RyanDyin'Care or NoCareYaEffin'Losers!
According to Newt "the Tadpole" Gingrich, his boss was just being "cute" when he promised to "drain the swamp." Now Trump is stocking the swamp with his crocodilian donors and political piranha.
The fiercely conservative Neil Gorsuch wrote in his Georgetown Prep School yearbook that he founded and led the "Fascism Forever Club."
One of Trump's first acts as president, surrounded by white men, was to dick-tate that women around the world must give up their right to choose, if their nations accept American aid. OINK-OINK!
Trump's first official acts included nixing the Climate Action Plan and removing references to lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender issues from the WhiteHouse.gov website. Yay, team, go!
Trump promised to "ease the burden of Obamacare," presumably by not caring and letting people suffer and die while he crows about how "handsome" and "popular" he is.
Albert Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over, hoping for different results. That makes Trump, Tillerson and the GOP mad as felt-sniffing hatters.
Who is the latest Trump Whisperer? Erik Prince, aka "The Prince of Darkness." Meanwhile, Prince's sister, Betsy DeVos, has been appointed by Trump to destroy public schools.
Betsy DeVos claims we need guns in schools to protect students from grizzly bears! Does she have advance notice that Sarah Palin will go rogue?―Michael R. Burch
It's no accident that the Barnum & Bailey Circus is going out of business just as Trump opens his latest sideshow ... he stole all the Kookiest Klowns for his Kabinet!―Michael R. Burch
In his Twitter blast at John Lewis, Trump assumes he represents a slum since he's black. Ugly. Bigly.―Meteor Blades in Daily Kos
According to Trump, if you're black, you must live in a crime-ridden hell, and you must be looking for a lily-white Savior, i. e. The Donald.
Hitler had Goebbels. Hirohito had Tokyo Rose. Saddam had Baghdad Bob. Such talent is expensive! Trump must REALLY be hard up, if all he can afford is Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway.
Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway warns us to be very careful about criticizing Trump. Why? His nuclear trigger finger is getting itchy, and he wants a lot more nukes! Be very careful indeed!
The Donald was having real problems getting stars to perform at his inauguration ... until Alec Baldwin bravely stepped forward with an offer to sing "Highway to Hell" in his Trump wig!
Donald Trump is "a man you can bait with a tweet."―Hillary Rodham Clinton
You can’t take away Trump’s Twitter account! That’s like taking away Batman’s utility belt! All you’ve got left is a billionaire with anger issues. He’s got none of his tools!―Stephen Colbert
Only in America could a man whose staff reportedly took away his Twitter account because he couldn't control himself be given the nuclear codes.―Graydon Carter
Since the FBI believes Russia meddled in the recent presidential election, does that make FBI director James Comey guilty of treason for collaborating with a hostile government to get Putin's puppet elected?
Who but Trump would have mentioned―on the very day the Twin Towers were destroyed―that he now owned the tallest building in lower Manhattan?―David Von Drehle
And who but Trump would try to compete with Medal of Honor winners by claiming to be "financially brave," when he dodges the federal taxes that support and safeguard American soldiers?
It's simply not true that there is no hope for a Trump presidency. He could turn the White House into a Trump casino and no one would ever hear from it again!―Michael R. Burch
ProfessorNina Khrushcheva was asked if Donald Trump is playing into Mr. Putin's hands. The responses from the intelligence expert were probative: "He's been playing into Putin's hands for over a year now," replied Professor Khrushcheva. "So it is not more than he has done already." The host said that many people have the picture of Putin sitting back and just saying 'Oh yes.' "And you know what," Khrushcheva continued. "This is such a correct picture ... Because I was just in Moscow and the Russians are saying, 'Look at those fools. Look at their democracy. Absolutely, how can America lecture us on any development institutions, human rights, democracy rhetoric when they just elected Donald Trump? He is such a fool. He is such a bully. That is what America deserves. And we are going to take advantage of it.' And that's how Russians feel about it. And now it's taking shape with letters from Vladimir Putin to Donald Trump with their exchange of potential nuclear armament and what not. So I think this is going to be a very interesting world to unfold in the next four years."
Trump isn't "draining the swamp." He's stocking it with political piranha.―Michael R. Burch
Trump says his administration has two rules: "Buy American and hire American." But the rules for his companies were exactly the opposite!
Trump claims that he doesn't need daily intelligence briefings. Doesn't he realize that it's a YUGE world, and something new happens every day?―Michael R. Burch
Trump blasted Ted Cruz and Hillary Clinton for cozying up to Goldman Sachs financiers who "owned" them; now Trump is owned by the three Goldman Sachs executives on his cabinet.
Trump lied about being an "outsider." Now it's "business as usual" since he appointed three Goldman Sachs donors to plum cabinet positions. The yoke's on you, as the Three Stooges would say.
Not only has Trump failed to "drained the swamp," he is now stocking it with his crocodilian donors.―Michael R. Burch
Michael Brune of the Sierra Club promised a "wall of resistance, the likes of which he never imagined" to Trump's plans to destroy what is left of the ecology.
Trump claims that it is "foolish and so naive" not to torture suspected terrorists. He also insists that it is "foolish and so naive" not to let him kiss and grope women without their consent.
Men should not dick-tate to women, if you'll pardon the pun. Nor should they kiss and grope women without their consent. Impeach the leech!―Michael R. Burch
Carl Bernstein reported that Republicans are concerned about Trump's "emotional stability" and "maturity." How silly! That's like being concerned about a cobra's capacity for compassion.
Bernstein concluded that we are in "uncharted territory." Yes, like a paralyzed bird being swallowed whole by a King Cobra. At least we have a good view of the fangs, if they're the last things we see!
Trump wants to replace Obamacare with Trumpcare. President Obama really did care; Trump doesn't. Trumpcare will be like letting a pack of snarling wolves run loose in the henhouse.
Tennessee Senator Lamar Alexander cautioned about a "quick fix" for Obamacare, saying: "We want a long-term solution that lowers costs." Good luck explaining that to a president with ADD!
Donald Trump keeps bashing wind energy; ironically, by using hot air. If we could hook his hyperactive mouth up to a generator, the world's energy problems would instantly be solved!
Trump filed for bankruptcy five times between 1991 and 2014. That means he's on track to bankrupt the nation by 2018, or 2019 at the latest. And he's certainly off to a fast start!
A 20% tax on Mexican imports would be paid by Americans, not Mexicans. And it would lead to more illegal immigrants, when the Mexican economy implodes and jobs are lost.
Scalpers are losing YUGE money on Trump inauguration tickets. One scalper, Yossi Rosenberg, complained bitterly: "I might even have to go!"
Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway denied that the Trump administration lied about the dismal turnout, claiming that "alternate facts" had been provided (care of Big-Brother?).
But actually the turnout exceeded all expectations ... if we include the YUGE numbers of protesters! How's that for an alternate fact?
Another alternate fact: Donald Trump got more women to get up and walk in one day than Michelle Obama's fitness programs did in 8 years!
Trump reportedly wanted tanks and missile launchers to roll down Pennsylvania Ave.―shades of Putin!―but the heavy tanks would have destroyed the road. Trump was heartbroken!
It's embarrassing enough that Trump couldn't get top American stars to perform at his "Deploraball," but he was also turned down by Celine Dion, Andrea Boccelli, Elton John ... even Paul Anka!
Paul Anka? Canadian. Andrea Boccelli? Italian. 3 Doors Down? The Rockettes? Ted Nugent? Benji barking Sieg Heil? Keep an eye on the Keystone Klown Kar!
FINALLY
, TAH-DA!, Trump "lands an A-list celebrity" to appear at his inauguration: "notorious pharma bro Martin Shkreli ... the most hated man in America!"―Dartagnan in Daily Kos
Actually, Trump is not short of A-listers, if by "A" we mean major ASSHOLES; hell, he's stocking his cabinet with them as we speak!―Michael R. Burch
Who was the real winner at Trump's inauguration? Mr. Putin, who can now take back Ukraine and other former USSR satellites while Trump fawns, bows and scrapes. 
Trump's real game plan has now been revealed: to make Russia great again, while making America grate again, with hatred, intolerance and violence.
From Russia, with Love ... signed, sealed, delivered ... he's yours, care of Mr. Putin ... your new leader: Comrade Trump!
Paul Ryan said, "I think Russia is a global menace led by a man who is menacing." Donald Trump said, "Thanks for getting me elected, Mr. Putin! Now, how may I serve you?"
Trump gave FBI director James Comey a big hug for helping him steal the election; later there will be a group hug and photo-op with a bare-chested Mr. Putin, the escapade's mastermind.
The CIA, FBI and NSA all agree that Putin tried to get Trump elected. Why? Apparently, Putin wants America to hate again, and no one can incite hatred like The Donald.
Why does Trump want Rex Tillerson for Secretary of State? "He goes into a country, takes the oil, goes into another country." Yikes, that's the Dick Cheney master plan that led to the rise of ISIS!

But folks, on a serious point, Trump said he likes "people who don’t get captured." What a terrible thing to say about my friend and a genuine war hero, John McCain. So tonight I call on Donald Trump to be a man of his word and release Chris Christie right now!—Joe Biden

Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents — doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem…—Lewis Black

The Trump virus's primary effect is twofold: First, it implants in its hosts the unshakable conviction that one of the most execrable clowns in the history of these United States is a hero who deserves to be elevated to the White House; then, having inculcated the conceit, it removes the faculties that are necessary for its removal.―Charles Cooke

Americans like Trump because he’s got loads of money, which is sort of their version of being clever. He’s all over the news, even though he looks weird. Like a guinea pig staring at you through the porthole on a washing machine.—Barry Shitpeas

Let me say this about Donald Trump. I love Donald Trump, all comedians love Donald Trump. If God gave comedians the power to invent people, the first person we would invent is Donald Trump, God’s gift to comedy.—Jerry Seinfeld

What a great honor it must be for you to honor me tonight. I’m so sorry; Donald Trump said that. It’s getting trickier and trickier to satirize this stuff.— Julia Louis Dreyfus

At this point Trump is the political equivalent of a phone sex operator. He’s just whispering whatever dirty little racist fantasies Republicans want to hear.— Michael Che

Trumpisms: Donald Trump Coinages, by Michael R. Burch

TrIumphant (adj.) feeling or expressing jubilation after claiming to have won a victory entirely on one's own merits: "I came, I lied, I claimed to be the Savior of the World, I conquered!"
Trumped (v., past tense) having won through subterfuge: "Trump's lies trumped facts for millions of his supporters."
Trump Change: (n.) chump change with a few extra zeroes tacked on
Trumpageddon (n.) Armageddon, only much worse because we have to listen to Donald Trump brag about his superiority while he destroys the world
Trumpaholic (n.) someone addicted to his own bullshit
Trumpbone (n.) a musical instrument similar to a trombone which plays only discordant notes
Trumpass (n.) a compass that always points at one's ass
Trumpathon: (n.) a TV event in which Donald Trump goes on and on and on about how "rich," "successful" and "good looking" he is
Trumpectomy (n.) a type of brain surgery similar to a lobotomy in which an oversized ego is removed
Trumpet (n.) a mouthpiece only good for constantly tooting one's own horn
Trumpetry (n.) the art of constantly tooting one's own horn.
Trumpism (n.) anything that is wildly exaggerated in a boorish fashion
Trumple (v.) to trample and crumple, while insulting one's victims in the process
Trumplestiltskin (n.) the title of a book about a man who falls asleep, dreams that he is the king of the world, and never wakes up from his absurd fantasy
Trumposity (n.) the quality of being pompous, loud and overbearing
Trumptanic (n.) the name of a ship that has been advertised to be "unsinkable" but in reality is so full of holes that it can never leave dry dock
Trumptastic (adj.) something purported to be wonderful that turns out to be horse hockey
Trumpupmanship (n.) claiming to be better than everyone at everything
Trumputopia (n.) a mythical land in which alpha male chauvinism rules and everything is magically "great"
Anchor husband (n.) a rich American man who marries foreign supermodels so that they can live in the US "legally"
Con-serve-ative (n.) a reality TV star who cons gullible people into believing that he wants to serve them, rather than vice versa
Con-fusion (n.) the chaos produced when a con-serve-ative convinces gullible people that he will "help them come together"
Con-flation (n.) what our economy will experience after Donald Trump has conned us into electing him president
Mock-umentary (n.) a documentary of Donald Trump mocking everything and everyone in sight

Is Trump the Fire Monkey?

George Orwell's novel 1984 is climbing in the bestseller rankings. Orwell got everything right except the year: 2016 (the Chinese year of the Yang, or Red Fire Monkey).
Yang is, of course, the active male principle, associated with fire and heat. Trump was elected by the "red" states. And he seems remarkably unevolved, in terms of equality, compassion and a sense of justice ...
Hey, is there something to Chinese astrology? As millions of women march against Trump, we see Ying opposing Yang, with Trump acting like an orangutan with its enormous red ass exposed.
An article about 2016 being the year of the Fire Monkey predicts: "Monkey business! Hold on to your hats, folks, the circus is about to begin! Monkey sees and Monkey does what is best for Monkey!"
The rare Year of the Fire Monkey is associated with chaos, and Trump is the King of Chaos. The last year of the Fire Monkey was 1956, the year of the Cuban Missile Crisis and Suez Canal Crisis.
The Suez Canal Crisis was a pivotal event that marked the demise of British imperial power. Will Trump's monkeyshines do the same for American power? 
A Chinese astrology chart says Trump's "Elements are extremely out of balance ... too much Fire and Earth, with almost no Water or Metal." Sounds like he'll set the world aflame with no way to put it out!
According to Chinese astrology, Trump was born "in the Male Wooden Horse month of the Male Fire Dog year at Female Earth Snake hour." A Trojan horse setting fire to the world with hateful venom, perhaps?
Trump was born on a blood moon, as in the biblical moon "turning to blood" before "the great and terrible Day of the LORD." Armageddon awaits, heralded by the Trump of Doom!
Thierry Chow warns of shocking events because "when fire is atop monkeys they will be swinging around, they will be difficult to predict. A lot of things will be unexpected." Shock the Monkey!
"There are going to be a lot of ups and downs. The monkey is a creature who is tricky and cunning," Cherry Ma said, predicting an economic rollercoaster in the Year of the Fire Monkey. 
But 2017 will be the year of the Fire Chicken; will Americans fire the Fire Chicken, by impeaching him? One can only hope!
Trump's name in Chinese translates as Te Lang Pu (Pooh!), which means "unusual, loud and common." Are the gods trying to tell us something, one wonders?
Rex Tillerson's name in Chinese translates as Di (Die!) Le Sen, which means "stem (kill), coerce, dark." It seems to suit him, as far as I can tell.
Kellyanne Conway's name in Chinese translates as Kang Wei, which means "healthy leather hide." Once again, right on the mark!
Ryan Zinke's name in Chinese translates as Jin Ke, which means "ferry crossing saliva digest." That makes me think of crossing over to Hades on Charon's ferry, on a river of spittle!

More Bonus Tracks

Ronald McDonald Trump-Bozo has agreed to pay $25 million to settle charges of fraud against his so-called Trump "University." Even the name was a sham and a scam―not to mention illegal. Thus Trump has, for all intents and purposes, admitted that he bilked thousands of students out of their hard-earned money. Many of them charged their credit cards and had to pay extremely high interest rates on top of the fraudulent "tuition" charges. But that is how Trump-Bozo operates, as he unloads his Kooky Klown Kar at the three-ring circus show formerly known as the American presidency. We will undoubtedly see more shams and scams under a Trump administration. Taxpayers had better plan on shelling out to have padded walls installed at the White House, now that the inmates are running the asylum. It sounds like the plot of a Batman movie: the Joker has been elected president and is gleefully playing with the nuclear codes ...

During his campaign Trump repeatedly said that he was going to "take on Wall Street." It turns out that what he really meant was "take on board" and help in a bigly way.―Michael R. Burch
If Trump had a penny for every time he lied, he'd be the earth's first trillionaire.―Michael R. Burch
Trumps threatens to impose a 35% tariff on American companies that export jobs, but will he impose the tariff retroactively on his companies that outsourced jobs to Mexico and China?
Donald Trump seems to have a penchant for passionate psychopaths. His latest bromance is with an old flame, Ben Carson, whom Trump has described as "passionate" and a "psychopath."
Donald Trump condemned Fidel Castro as a "brutal dictator." Well, it does take one to know one ..."―Michael R. Burch
Trump calling Castro a "brutal dictator" was actually a compliment. Trump admires and seemingly worships brutal strongmen like Putin, Qaddafi, Saddam and Kim Jong Un.
God has a sense of humor. Steve Bannon, the Breitbart publisher who is now CEO of the Trump campaign, actually set his pants on fire while writing yet another lie-riddled speech for The Donald!
But Trump is absolutely correct that the election is rigged. He rigged it against himself when he insulted women, Hispanics, African-Americans and Muslims.
Trump's latest reality TV show will be called The Presidential Apprentice, with voters hopefully quick to tell the oddly-coiffed intern: "You're fired!"―Michael R. Burch
President-elect Donald Trump has just announced his most-favored nation: discrimination.
Trump and his senior advisers seem intent on another unwinnable war, this time with Iran. Their theme song is: "If at first bombs don't succeed, bomb, bomb again!"―Michael R. Burch
Trump sued Nevada for allowing Latinos to vote against him; if they were voting for him, of course there would be no lawsuit.
According to Trump, the system is "rigged" if polls are kept open an extra hour or two, to allow American citizens with darker skin to vote.
It turns out that Trump really is a Republican, after all. His attempt to stop Latino citizens from voting proves that he is "red" to the core, where his missing heart would otherwise be.
Did Melania vote for her husband? There is a picture floating around of Donald Trump eying her ballot suspiciously, with raised eyebrows. But who could blame her for voting for Hillary Clinton?
As everyone knows, The Donald doesn't trust immigrants. Most of them are terrible people―racists and drug pushers. So how can he trust his own wife?
In Florida just before election day, Trump called the United States a "laughingstock." But to be fair, he also called his campaign "the single greatest waste of time" in human history. 
But why did Trump waste so much time trying to take over a laughingstock? Can we trust him when he tells us how "smart" he is, and how he always "wins"?
Donald Trump said, "Now it's up to the American people to deliver justice at the ballot box." And they will, by telling him: "You're fired!"
Donald Trump just compared himself to Medal of Honor winners, telling them: "I'm brave―financially brave!" No, Donald Chickenheart, welshing on your taxes and bills is not "brave."
How screwed up is the GOP? The party could run a Hitler-Mussolini ticket and still win the red states. Trump could call for a return to slavery and watch his polls go up.
The children of the corn―Ivanka, Eric and Donald Jr.―have spoken. Everyone should vote for The Donald and pay absolutely no attention to what he says and does, the way they do.
Whether some of Trump's supporters are deplorable is debatable. Whether Trump himself is deplorable is not. It is as certain as the sun rising in the east and setting in the west.
The smart money is definitely on Hillary Clinton. When the FBI announced that there was nothing prosecutable in her emails, stocks and currencies soared worldwide after plummeting when the news favored Trump.
Voters got a taste of Trump's presidency when Trump kissed a bare-chested Putin on the mouth in an SNL skit. The Trump-Putin bromance is so hot, there will soon be a Putin bedchamber in the White House!
Benedict Cumberbatch welcomed the SNL audience with: “It’s so great to be hosting Saturday Night Live on the last weekend of America as we know it!” He then advised the audience to drink up.
Michael Che said Clinton has to be annoyed after being slammed over her emails: “It’s like giving up weed for a job interview and then losing the job to a crackhead.”
Colin Jost dismissed Melania Trump’s impassioned plea for people to be nicer to one another on the Internet: “Donald Trump called his wife’s speech sad, fake and gay.”
"Look," Barack Obama told an unusually serious Bill Maher, "if I watched Fox News I wouldn’t vote for me either!"
Mexico just announced its contingency plan in case Trump is elected president: build a wall to keep him out, and force the United States to pay for it.―Michael R. Burch
Trump deserves the award for Hispanic turnout. He did more to get them out than any Democrat has ever done.―Republican Senator Lindsey Graham
You can't polish this turd.―Van Jones
Ah, but Republicans keep trying to put lipstick on the Trump pig!
How low can the bar go? "Trump gets cookies, ice cream and applause for saying bad things about the Klan," after months of pretending he "doesn't know anything" about David Duke or the KKK.―Van Jones
Eric Trump recently said that David Duke deserves "a bullet." The Trumps are the Beverly Hillbillies gone over to the Dark Side of the Force. Or perhaps they're the Brooklyn Hillbullies.―Michael R. Burch
This is rich: Melania Trump is now crusading against online bullying. Meanwhile the world's biggest online bully―her husband―is tweeting up a storm!
She’s married to the most famous bully on planet Earth, who has unleashed a tidal wave of hate and bigotry online and off.―Jon Lovett, a former speechwriter for President Obama
Melania Trump clarified her position on cyber-bullying. She will end online bullying forever by permanently unplugging her husband's Twitter feed. After that, she will wash out his mouth with soap.
According to Trump, if we don't have borders and laws, we don't have a country. So his first official act will be to deport Melania for working without a visa and stealing American models' jobs.
It's no surprise that Trump rejected Elliott Abrams. He would instantaneously reject Ronald Reagan, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson and Jesus Christ, if they dared to criticize him in public.
The Trump presidency may prove that fact is stranger than secret agent fiction.―Michael R. Burch
The Swamp Restocker has been a busy little beaver, erecting dams and flooding the boggy bottomland on behalf of his crocodilian donors and political piranha.
Trump seeks to stonewall everything good and to steamroll everything evil.
Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey has pledged "a completely new approach to abuse" on Twitter. But what will he do about the biggest and baddest abuser of them all, President Donald Trump?
There is nationwide relief in Great Britain since #QueenElizabeth confirmed that #Trump can be addressed as "Mr. So-Called President."
Meanwhile, Great Britain may announce its own travel ban, as 150 MPs have protested Trump being allowed to appear before Parliament.
However, we think Trump should be allowed to speak before both Houses, since he thinks he's a Lord, and because he's so incredibly Common!
Sarah Silverman just tweeted this to 9.8 million followers: "Wake up & join the Resistance. Once the military is w/ us Fascists get overthrown. Mad king & his handlers go bye bye."
It's time for the man-boycotts to begin! Or should we call them man-babycotts, toddlercotts, totcotts?―Michael R. Burch
Trump confirms the "anal" in "analysis." Put him on a couch and he'll emulate an ostrich: burying his brain in denial while exposing his enormous ass to all onlookers.
The best possible outcome of a Trump presidency would be a nervous breakdown that results in a padded cell with no tweeting allowed.―Michael R. Burch
Trump is most certainly NOT a Russian spy, because spies know how to keep important things secret. Trump is the consummate inane babbler. He is Putin's puppet, but not a spy.
Toddler Trump was led to the White House romper room, where he turned the walls his favorite color―gold―by peeing on them. He then proceeded to piss on Mexico, China and Iran.
The Donald damned Barack Obama for every vacation day he took ... but after a measly two weeks on the job, a tuckered-out Trump was mellowing out at Mar-a-Lago.
Trump is reportedly targeting 8 million immigrants for deportation, including his first and third wives, both of whom (according to Trump) are "rapists" and "drug pushers."
Trump said he respects Mr. Putin. Bill O'Reilly asked, "Why? He's a murderer!" Trump responded that his AmeriKKKa is not so innocent; thus murdering innocents is just business as usual.
Does Trump make any sense whatsoever? How can he "make American great again" by excusing and emulating murderers like Mr. Putin, Assad, Jong-Un and Duterte?

Former CIA Deputy Director Michael Morell called President Donald Trump's apparent comparison of Russian President Vladimir Putin's human rights violations to American actions "bizarre." In an interview on CBS This Morning, Morell said: "It suggests he doesn't have a good understanding of what Putin has done over a very long period of time. (Putin) has killed dozens of dozens of journalists, of political opponents … both inside of Russia and outside of Russia."

But there's the rub, because Trump evidently would dearly love to silence American journalists. It's not that Trump doesn't understand what Putin has done―it's that he can't wait to knock off a few journalists himself!

Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway and Sean "Scary" Spicer insist that the press should be nice to Little Donnie Diaperpants. But of course Widdle Donnie Whinydiaper did not play nice with the other candidates! Turnabout is fair play, and now Delicate Donald Sissypants is getting a taste of his own bitter medicine!

Scary Spicer's list of major unreported attacks: The Alamo! Pearl Harbor! 9-11! The Bowling Green Massacre! Trump abuses Ivana over botched hair job! Trump gropes unconsenting women! Trump ogles teen beauty queens! Trump attacks Rosie O'Donnell, Cher, Bette Midler, Kristen Stewart, Alicia Machado, Arianna Huffington, Megyn Kelly, Carly Fiorina, Elizabeth Warren and Hillary Clinton!

TIME magazine put Stephen K. Bannon on its cover with the caption The Great Manipulator. But that gives Bannon far too much credit, because the "man" he keeps man-ipulating is really a Man-Baby, as Jon Stewart so accurately pointed out. Those teeny-tiny fingers grasping at straws are a dead giveaway! Therefore TIME should consider these much more accurate captions: The Great Baby-Man-ipulator, The Great Totipulator, Stephen KKK Bannon, Loose Cannon Bannon, The Amerikan Goebbels, Darkness Incarnate, AmeriKlan Idol, Darth Vader, Sauron, The Lord of Darkness, The Warmonger.

Bannon has likened himself to the force of darkness from Star Wars: "Darkness is good," he told the Reporter. "Dick Cheney. Darth Vader. Satan. That's power."

According to Bannon's longtime writing partner, Julia Jones: "Steve is a strong militarist, he's in love with war—it's almost poetry to him.” Jones was speaking to The Daily Beast in an interview last year, well before Trump won the election and Bannon landed his new job. "He's studied it down through the ages, from Greece, through Rome ... every battle, every war … Never back down, never apologize, never show weakness … He lives in a world where it's always high noon at the O.K. Corral." In one of the scariest Bannon quotes that I have seen, he stated confidently that there was "no doubt" the United States would go to war with China over tiny islands in the South China Sea! In a March 2016 interview Bannon said: "We're going to war in the South China Sea in five to ten years. There's no doubt about that. They're taking their sandbars and making basically stationary aircraft carriers and putting missiles on those. They come here to the United States in front of our face–and you understand how important face is–and say it's an ancient territorial sea." The idea that we would fight a war over tiny islands in order to save "face" sounds crazy, but such "face saving" was the reason Nixon and Kissinger refused to pull American troops out of Vietnam until the bitter end. How many people on both sides died to "save face" in the Vietnam War, one wonders? How many will die in the next "face saving" war?

Tom "the Amerikan Mengele" Price has been accused of trading health care stocks on the political version of insider information. Should Tom "the Price is Right" be Trump's health czar, in charge of national health care policy? Should Tom Sellout be confirmed? Is the One Man Death Panel trying to save us, or just to profit from our misfortunes? Apparently, there are no decent Republican senators or congressmen willing to stand up to Trump and his dreadful nominees, so Tom Thumb will probably be confirmed and continue to thumb his nose at us, and at regulators, while replacing Obamacare with NoMamaCare. Trusting Trump and his goons with your family's health care is like a lamb trusting cold-blooded, venom-spitting cobras to act in its best interests. Personally, I'd take my chances with the cobras. At least they stop killing when their bellies are full.

Mike Huckabee recently said: "Trump may be a car wreck, but at least his car is pointed in right direction." Now let me get this straight ... as long as someone is driving in the right direction, it doesn't matter if he hits and injures or kills multitudes of Hispanic and Muslim children?"

Trump just drove the final nail into his "Final Case for America." He asked us to think, by asking questions. That was the final nail. Do we prefer to deport Hispanic children, or to ban Muslim children? Do we want a female president, or a president who gropes females? Do we want a president who will stand up to Mr. Putin, or a president who is Putin's puppet? Do we want a president who listens to our generals, or a president who thinks he's smarter than all our generals combined?

Topless protesters were arrested at a Trump rally. The Donald bailed them out, so that he could grope them later. Melania, Ivanka and Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway are busy making up excuses for Trump: He was framed! It was a liberal plot! It was just locker room groping―a boyish prank―not real sexual assault! For Trump to really assault the women, they would need to be much prettier, with much bigger boobs! Trump would never bother groping women who are not perfect tens with humongous breasts!

While it's a very bad joke, I would like to give a special Dishonorable Mention to Donald Trump for body-shaming Alicia Machado after she won the Miss Universe contest in 1996. She was a teenager at the time and he humiliated her in public for gaining weight! Trump called her Miss Piggy, Miss Eating Machine and Miss Housecleaning (presumably because she is Latina and that is what Latinas are good for, according to The Donald). Then, when Trump called Hillary Clinton a "nasty woman" during the third debate―when all she did was quote what Trump has actually said in public―he inspired the #NastyWoman hashtag and election campaign. Trump is his own worst enemy with women, but he's too much of a boor (male piggy oinker) to realize it. He always remains tone deaf to how racist, sexist and intolerant he sounds.

Trump continues to restock the swamp, adding yet another Goldman Sachs bigwig to his "pool" of advisers (if you'll pardon the pun). Gary Cohn said the administration’s goal of deregulating financial markets “has nothing to do with Goldman Sachs.” Yes, and he has some swampland to sell you at YUGELY inflated prices!―Michael R. Burch

Jon Stewart recently appeared on the Late Show as Donald Trump, wearing a dead rodent on his head and a super-long tie, to reveal three new executive orders ...
Jon Stewart's first executive order: "China shall immediately, and without hesitation, send us their wall. Done! Boom!" (To get Mexico to pay for the wall, the US will pretend not to be home and forward it c.o.d.)
Jon Stewart's second executive order: "The new official language of the United States is Bullshit."
Jon Stewart's third executive order: "I, Donald J. Trump, declare by executive order that I am exhausting. The presidency is supposed to age the president, not the public!"

Under Armour CEO Kevin Plank, in an interview with CNBC, called President Donald Trump an “asset” to the country.
Stephen Curry, the most famous player associated with Under Armour, begged to differ: “I agree ... if you remove the ‘et’ from asset.”

Bonus Tracks: Oldies but Goodies

On Aleppo, Trump sounds like a fifth grader giving a book report ... on a book he never read.Harlan Coben
Ultra-right-wing organizations are obviously trying to tip the election to Trump: the KKK, the KGB, the FBI.―Michael R. Burch

Putin is a former KGB agent. Why is he trying to deliver the presidency to Trump? Why is the KKK endorsing Trump? And why did the FBI announce a new investigation of Hillary Clinton's emails just a few days before the election? Well, Trump obviously needs a LOT of help to defeat a girl! But if we can be serious for just one moment―then back to the jokes, I promise!―it does seem that James Comey took it upon himself to decide this election, in a shocking breech of protocol. Perhaps these right-wingers just don't believe in democracy, and will do anything they can to rig the system in their favor. So Trump may have been correct, after all, except that it's not liberals doing the rigging, but his fellow alpha male partners in crime.

"Grab her by the pussy?" Sounds like what Hillary did to Trump at the first debate!―Bill Maher
"Take a Tic Tac and grab them by the pussy" is the closest thing to a "plan" Donald Trump has described this entire election!―Samantha Bee
According to Donald Trump, a bush in the hand is worth two unmolested birds.―Michael R. Burch

BTW, it's amusing that Rudy Giuliani is now Trump's surrogate, defending him from accusations of sexual assault and other improprieties by scores of women, when in a 2000 "Mayor's Inner Circle" video, Giuliani in drag had his "breasts" schmoozed by The Donald, after which Giuliani slapped his face and called him a "dirty boy." Obviously, Giuliani was well aware of Trump's reputation for grabbing and groping women without bothering to ask for their permission! Trump's outrageous behavior was a running joke among alpha males in his circle. In 1993, fellow bad boy Howard Stern asked Trump directly: "So you treat women with respect?" Trump answered honestly: "No, I can’t say that either." And hundreds of chauvinistic public statements and tweets by Trump confirm that he doesn't treat women with respect, or minorities, or POWs, or Gold Star families, or anyone that he considers "weak" or "overweight" or "unattractive."

Would Donald Trump create an American Holocaust by deporting 11 million people, including multitudes of completely innocent children and their mothers? Is Trump the second coming of Adolph Hitler? Yes, nicknames like Hair Hitler and Hair Furor are amusing, but are they also accurate, and perhaps prophetic?

More Bonus Tracks

Trump did worse at Gettysburg than the South did.―Seth Meyers
Trump is like Captain Hook but with a teeny-tiny hook.―Seth Meyers
The Republican Party has come a long way, baby. Abraham Lincoln appealed to the "better angels" of our nature. Trump wants better angles to grab and grope women's genitals.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump calling Anthony Weiner a "sleaze" is like an experienced hooker calling a rookie working girl a "slut."―Michael R. Burch
Trump finally pissed off the wrong women: all of them.―Erin Gloria Ryan
Nasty women are tough. Nasty women are smart. And nasty women vote. And on Nov. 8 we nasty women are going to march our nasty feet to cast our nasty votes to get you out of our lives forever.―Elizabeth Warren
There are certain things Donald Trump adamantly refuses to accept: hair loss, his ugliness, election results, climate change, civility, decency, and a woman's right to say "no."―Michael R. Burch
No one inspects women more than me!―SNL's Michael Che and Colin Jost on Weekend Update, speculating that "respects" was a Trump tweet typo
Hurricane Matthew may have been downgraded, but "Donald Trump talking about women has been upgraded to a category five shitstorm."―Bill Maher
Mike Pence and Donald Trump are making sexual assault great again.―Bill Maher
Trump loves "stop-and-frisk" because it naturally leads to his favorite pastime, "kiss-and-grope."―Michael R. Burch
Trump's only long-term commitment to a woman has been his 20-year obsession with fat-shaming Alicia Machado.―Michael R. Burch
The evidence continues to mount: There is nothing in the world that Donald Trump can’t make worse.―Gail Collins
Trump claims that he'll run American like his businesses. That is secret code for "into the ground."―Michael R. Burch
A monkey throwing a dart at a stock page in 1995 could have produced a 150% return, but Trump's casino business investors lost more than 90%.―Warren Buffet
Trump likes to brag about attending the Wharton School of business. But his alma mater predicts that his policies could cost the United States four million lost jobs.―Michael R. Burch
Trump is a man-baby. He has the physical countenance of a man and a baby's temperament and tiny hands.―Jon Stewart
If Donald Trump gets elected we may be saved from annihilation only if his stubby little baby fingers are too short to reach the nuclear codes.―Michael R. Burch
Anonymous just hacked Trump's tax returns. Unfortunately, like Trump's hands, the numbers are tiny and impossible to make out.―Michael R. Burch
Hillary Clinton pointed out that no living president has endorsed Donald Trump. Nice try, Hillary, but it just so happens that Vladimir Putin is living!―Seth Meyers
Shortly after promising a "new deal" to black Americans, Trump kicked a peaceful black protestor out of one of his rallies. Apparently, the "new deal" is a revival of Jim Crow.―Michael R. Burch
Trump is leery of teleprompters because they can be difficult to follow and "I'm sure it's even harder when you're translating from the original Russian."―Hillary Clinton
Hey Trump, instead of handing out Play-Doh why don't you write a check and give the people of Louisiana some REAL DOUGH$$$?―Elizabeth Harris Burch tweet
Donald has attacked every person of color ... except John Boehner.―Joe Biden
Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway screams at Trump to stay on the important issues. And he does: fat-shaming women, threatening peaceful protestors, insulting POWs and Gold Star families.―Michael R. Burch
Joe Walsh will be hopping mad if Trump loses the election. But like most Trumpites he's so far behind the times that he's threatening to grab his "musket."―Michael R. Burch
The Sean Hannity meltdown has begun. He will soon be an odious puddle on the floor, like the Wicked Witch of the West, only with fewer trained monkeys to mourn his passing.―Michael R. Burch
Mike Pence called on Utah Republicans to "come home" to Trump. That's like asking runaway children to return to an abusive father.―Michael R. Burch
Hillary Clinton belongs in the White House. Donald Trump belongs on my show.―Jerry Springer
Donald, to be a billionaire, you have to have the "billion" part in your bank account, not just the "air"!―Mark Cuban
Donald Trump has had two foreign wives. It turns out that there are really are some jobs Americans won't do.―Mitt Romney
Donald Trump is actually making America great again, by destroying the Republican Party.―Unknown
Tonight, we honor a self-made millionaire. He started with nothing, worked hard, and made a fortune. That man is Fred Trump, Donald’s dad.―Seth McFarlane
[Note: Donald Trump is far from a self-made man. The Wall Street Journal reported that a 1985 casino-license document showed that he owed his father $14 million. Also, his father jointly guaranteed a $70 million loan on one of his first big building projects. And of course The Donald inherited YUGE sums of money when his father died. No, Donald Trump is not the self-made man he pretends to be.]

"Honey, where'd you put #ThatMexicanThing?"
"It's on the shelf, next to the #BindersFullOfWomen!"

Trumping The IRS: The Top Ten Reasons Trump Will Not Release His Tax Returns

(10) Trump's businesses are loaded with debt and are not as valuable or profitable as he pretends
(9) Trump, like Mitt Romney, is paying less than 15% of his current earnings in federal taxes
(8) Trump is carrying large losses that he doesn't want the public to see
(7) Trump has extensive investments in China and Mexico, nations he accuses of taking advantage of the United States
(6) Trump has paid virtually no federal income tax in past years; thus he refuses to release even fully audited tax returns
(5) Trump has been donating large sums of money to the Clintons, Planned Parenthood, and other conservative no-nos
(4) Trump has used offshore accounts to avoid paying federal income taxes
(3) Trump owes huge sums of money to banks and investors, and is not his own man as he claims
(2) Trump has donated very little of his own money to charity
(1) Trump has greatly exaggerated his assets, net worth and income

More Bonus Tracks Provided by the Trumps Themselves

You may not realize it, but Trump is quite the stand-up comedian, either a Master of Irony or The King of Unintentional Comedy:

Trump said "I want to debate Hillary very badly." And he certainly did, three times!
Trump said John McCain was a war hero only because he got caught. Trump, on the other hand, is a brilliant military strategist who cleverly avoided getting caught—by not serving!
A vet gave Trump his Purple Heart, something Trump said he had always wanted and never thought he would get—a functional heart!
Trump's family name was "Drumpf." Sounds like one of the Seven Dwarfs—and that would explain his teeny-tiny hands and corresponding appendage!
Trump feels entitled to ridicule the handicapped. After all, he has his own physical challenges—he constantly has his foot in his mouth and his head up his ass!
Trump was absolutely correct to have a crying baby removed from one of his rallies—like any good businessman or aspiring dictator, he needed to eliminate the competition.
Trump may not have the best chance of winning, but he certainly does of whining.
Trump has been called ignorant, tasteless, tactless, thin-skinned, fat-headed, immature, narcissistic, racist, misogynistic, xenophobic, vindictive, cowardly, petty, pampered, disingenuous, deceitful, disgusting and dangerous, as well as a bully, a braggart, a bigot, and a bore. That’s so unfair—he’s a boor, but certainly not a bore!

The jokes above were taken from a Bernie Shine collection on Huffington Post. I touched some of them up, here and there, but the credit goes to him if he created them originally.―Michael R. Burch

Trump's son Eric is also a budding stand-up comedian:

Wine is incredibly sexy.
[Do you spend a lot of time French kissing and licking it?]
Bragging about sexual assault is "what happens when alpha personalities are in the same presence."
[Perhaps they had too much sexy wine?]
Why did Donald Trump run for president? According to Eric: "He sees the tree on the White House lawn has been renamed 'Holiday tree' instead of 'Christmas tree!' I could go on and on for hours!"
[Yes, we're sure than you could go on for hours and hours, but this is conspiracy theory that is simply not true. No one has renamed the tree. The Trumps should learn to fact check, after they learn the advantages of reading actual news from publications that verify what they print, rather than neo-Nazi websites and Twitter feeds.]
Donald Trump accused Hillary Clinton of starting the birther controversy, but Eric Trump praised his dad for "starting the conversation" about where Barack Obama was born.
[Well, perhaps young Eric the Red has finally gotten something right!]
He's gone from just about nothing into a man!
[Ah, but a casino application shows that Donald Trump owed his father and his father's businesses around $14 million. And his father jointly secured $70 million for one of The Donald's first big building projects, a Hyatt hotel. Since when is $84 million "just about nothing"? And this doesn't include the money that Donald Trump inherited from his grandmother, who founded the original Trump company, or his father, who left an estate estimated at $250-$300 million. Hell, when Donald Trump had a newspaper route as a boy, if it rained he was given a limo and a driver! He owned apartments and was collecting rents while attending school. No, he was far from a self-made man.]
He's epitomized what America's all about!
[Oh really? Is America all about racism, chauvinism, intolerance, stiffing contractors, barging into dressing rooms to ogle teenage girls, groping women's genitals, lying like a dog, and bragging about the size of one's genitals in public while children are watching an important debate?]
I really like "Humble Trump."
[But of course Donald Trump is the antithesis of "humble." When he proposed the Secret Service code name "Humble," he was being humorous and poking fun at himself. Eric Trump must be dumber than a box of rocks or in deep denial if he thinks his father has ever really been humble.]

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