The HyperTexts

The Best Donald Trump Jokes, Puns, Tweets, Quotes, Poems, Limericks and Hashtags

Q: What do you call it when a Man-Baby takes over the American government?
A: Coup d'Tot.

Here are Donald Trump jokes by comedians like Samantha Bee, Lewis Black, Louis C.K., Michael Che, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson, Will Ferrell, Jay Leno, David Letterman, Bill Maher, Seth Meyers, Trevor Noah, Conan O'Brien, John Oliver, Chris Rock, Amy Shumer, Sarah Silverman and Jon Stewart. We also have quips and quotes by celebrities like Glenn Beck, Joe Biden, Cher, Hillary Clinton, Mark Cuban, Snoop Dogg, Van Jones, Rachel Maddow, Barack Obama, Dan Rather and Howard Stern. Plus we have "top ten" lists of puns, poems, limericks, tweets, memes, quotations, insults, nicknames, hashtags, campaign slogans and promises, coinages, etc.

Cannonball! Donald "Trump of Doom" enters the American political waters ... but can he really walk on water or will he belly-flop the world into oblivion?

Related pages: Trump Puns, Trump Limericks, Trump Nursery Rhymes, Trump Nicknames, Trump 666

Top Ten Donald Trump Jokes

Donald Trump is giving narcissism a bad name.―Madeline Begun Kane aka Mad Kane

There are schizophrenics with Tourette's who have more control over what comes out of their mouths than Donald Trump.―Bill Maher

Donald Trump is "the kind of person who goes to the Super Bowl and thinks the people in the huddle are talking about him."―Eric Schneiderman

Donald Trump likes to say he's a friend to "the blacks." Unless the Blacks are a family of white people, I'm guessing he's mistaken.―Seth Meyers

This is what I've been waiting for my whole life: a President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a$$hole!―Lewis Black

In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, Donald Trump said, "I believe in God." But of course The Donald was talking about HIMSELF.―Jay Leno

Maybe he should ease into this ... by running for a lower office first, like President of the Hair Club for Men.―Jimmy Kimmel

Here's the thing about Donald Trump: he never apologizes; he's never wrong no matter what crazy thing he says. He's the white Kanye.―Bill Maher

Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.―Craig Ferguson

Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he's sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that!―David Letterman

To see how Trump fulfills Biblical prophecies, just click the hyperlink.

Signs of the Resistance

These are the top ten signs carried by Trump protesters, followed by a number of honorable mentions. 

Tiny hands, YUUUGE asshole!
Keep your tiny hands off my button!
Sex offenders are not allowed in government housing!
A woman's place is in the resistance.
Girls just wanna have fun-damental human rights.
Tweet women with respect!
Stop tweetin' u stoopid puddy gwabber!
Trump is making America grate again.
Love trumps hate.
Dump Trump.

Honorable Mentions

Trump's wives are immigrants.
Free Melania!
I've seen smarter cabinets at IKEA!
Bully Culprit.
Electile dysfunction.
Impeach the orange.
Not my Cheeto!
Make The Donald Drumpf again: deport Trump.

Currently Rising

Thanks to Celebrity Apprentice producer Mark Burnett, we don’t have to watch reality shows anymore ... because we’re living in one.―Jimmy Kimmel

More specifically, we are now living in Celebrity Apprentice President.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Dennis Rodman has more foreign policy experience than Jared Kushner. That's for real.―Jimmy Kimmel

Or is it for surreal?

The Dreamers? Ultimately, Donald Trump believes that if these kids want to be American, they have to do it the right way: by marrying Donald Trump.―Jimmy Kimmel

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream.
Donald Trump has a scheme.

On Martin Luther King day, Trump announced: "I too have a dream ... a big beautiful dream ... getting rid of the Dreamers!" Then he got back to what's really import, playing golf.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump is, indeed, a Stable Genius. He's like the boy who rakes muck in a barn full of pigs, donkeys and jackasses.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump is actually correct, for once. The world is full of shitholes. The biggest one's between his endlessly flapping lips!

Trump is doing a remarkable job of making China great again, by alienating country after country after country. Our loss of prestige is China's gain.

Trump has taken the "Art of the Deal" to unprecedented levels. He just announced that Norway will spend mega-bucks on the F-52, a plane that doesn't exist. Talk about stealth technology!

Speaking of Norway, if Trump was as smart as he claims, he'd know that Norwegians have no interest in vastly lowering their standard of living by emigrating to the United States. That would be like the Rockefellers migrating to a trailer park!

Why would Trump call nations of darker-skinned people "shitholes" and call for more Norwegian emigrants? He has a very simple plan to make American great again: import more Donalds and Ivankas! (He also seems to be planning to run for Grand Wizard of the KKK after the impeachment.)

When Trump tells other Americans to "get smart," he clearly means "smart" like himself and Maxwell Smart.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Omarosa saying Trump is "racial" but not a "racist" is like saying Hitler was "fanatical" but not a "fanatic."

There's a new movie in the works about the Trump-Bannon bromance: Fatal Detraction.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

After Michael Moore announced his intention to frack within sight of Mar-a-Lago, hinky Ryan Zinke rushed south to declare Florida off limits. Do we smell an orange rat?

What goes around, comes around. Trump’s top policy adviser, Stephen Miller, has called out an “angry, vindictive person” whose “grotesque comments are so out of touch with reality.” While everyone will assume he's talking about his boss, Miller was actually chiding Steve Bannon. Which is like Saruman berating Gollum for not being nicer to baby Hobbits.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

How incredibly intelligent is Trump? Let him explain the extent of his genius in his own words ...

I went to the best colleges for college!"—Donald J. Trump
I was a very excellent student!—Donald J. Trump
Actually, throughout my life, my two greatest assets have been mental stability, and being, like, really smart!—Donald J. Trump
I know words. I have the best words!—Donald J. Trump

Why are we not convinced?

Trump and his administration are also very challenged spellers: covfefe, tapp, councel, unpresidented, honered, Denmakr, thr, "here by" followed by "hearby" in an attempted correction, misspelling the name of British Prime Minister Theresa May three times, misspelling "attacker" as "attaker" twenty times, etc.

And Trump's ability to pronounce the "best words" is also highly questionable: yuge (for huge), diversary (for diversity), premedication (for premeditation), youfenism (for euphemism), Nahzees (for Nazis), rusher (for Russia), Mizzuria (for Missouri), Youtar (for Utah), Nuhvahduh (for Nevada), Jeruzu'um and Jerushalem (for Jerusalem), peninshula (for peninsula), internate (for internet), President Ulicious S. Grant, Two Corinthians, and even "God Bless the United Shates"!

Michael Moore threatened to begin fracking at Mar-a-Lago to protest Trump's decision to open nearly all U.S. offshore waters to drilling for oil and natural gas. "Our fracking off the coast of Mar-a-Lago begins right after Labor Day," Moore tweeted. "I’ve already got the rig — a beautiful Halliburton G-0008 fracking system with a monster Caterpillar engine!"

Israel is naming a high-speed rail station after Trump. It will be called the Armageddon Express.

Trump will declare North Korea a state sponsor of terror.―New York Post
North Korea will declare Trump a pate tonsure of error.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

TIME magazine disputed Trump's claim that he turned down the opportunity to be TIME's person of the year, by pointing out that Trump is a walking, talking ego, not a "person" per se.

I'm a liberal, but I have to object! It is obviously fake news that Tweety Twump has no real accomplishments! In reality, Tweetle-Dumb has accomplished the impossible twice. After all, he made George W. Bush seem wise and Richard M. Nixon virtuous!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Tweety Twump is taking us from unpwecedented to unpwesidented.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Tweety lacks the power of reason, but he compensates with the power of TWEASON!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Tweety has a new plan to plan to advance his cartoonish "agenda." He will wally his twoupe around the twoops.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Tweety's no conservative; he's a conswervative (emphasis on "con").―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

TwumpCawe is cwearly a wush to fudgement!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Tweety thought he saw a puddy tat ... so he groped it!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

In the Spirit of the Season: Trump Christmas Jokes and Puns

There will not be a Nativity scene on Capitol Hill this Christmas season. This isn't for religious reasons, but because no one could three Wise Men or a Virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding plenty of asses to fill the stable.

Have a very scary Trump Christmas!

Thanks to the Trumps the eerily-decorated
White House now has "one of the scariest hallways in America," according to Gizmodo. Adjectives used to describe the Christmastime White House include "dark," "ominous," "diabolical," "spooky" and "Satanic." Comparisons have been drawn to Snow White’s escape route from the Huntsman, The White Witch’s Narnian forest, and that lovely spot where Voldemort drank a unicorn’s blood. But perhaps we should simply admit that "a cold day in hell" has finally arrived. 

The holiday in question, in case you were checking your calendars, is Christmas, which in Melania Trump’s mind apparently conjures up the naked terror of running through a dark forest, alone, pursued by wraithlike shadows and the grasping claws of brittle, dead branches, the only sound the cackling of the ancient witch who will grant your wish to be rich and famous with a designer wardrobe and a gold-plated toilet … for a price.―Katie Rife

The Trump White House, with Melania Antoinette watching ballerinas dance, is remarkably Stepford-Wife-ish. But at least she casts a shadow, however ghostly!

"Photos were released yesterday of first lady Melania Trump decorating the White House for the holidays, though I'm not sure a rope ladder counts as a decoration."―Seth Meyers

Fabulous news for the Trump administration! According to DailyKos, "tens" attended the Trump tree lighting ceremony! (That is not "tens" as in supermodels, but as in small groups of white supremacists who fervidly dream of "all-white" Christmases.)―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump, for once, has kept his word by putting the "Christ" back in Christmas. On a daily basis, he makes 300 million Americans gasp and say "Jesus Christ, what is Trump doing now?"
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

With Trump at the reins, instead of Santa's Sleigh we now have Satan's Slay.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"  

Christmas is coming!
Tycoons are getting fat!
Please put donations
in the Fat Cat's Hat.
If you haven't got a penny
he'll toss you in the stew,
but if you've got ten billion
then may TRUMP bless you!
―Michael R. Burch

For more Trump Christmas goodies (or baddies) please click here:
Trump Christmas.

Currently Rising

Trump is a walking, talking slurring basket case. Out of respect for the elderly senile, please be sure not to tweet #DentureDonald or variations like #IndenturedDonald!

Why did Trump endorse Roy "Score" Moore when Nostradumbass claimed he "knew" the Sludge Judge couldn't win? ...

Raptors of a feather
flock together.
—Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump was not TIME's man of the year, but thanks to his incessant whining and plaintive demands for attention, TIME has made him its Man-Baby of the year for 2017! According to the grapes-of-wrath-vine, TIME will also award The Donald a Golden Diaper that matches his Golden Commode. Furthermore, Trump remains the favorite in the race for other awards: Fake News Reporter of the Year, Race-Baiter of the Year, Nazi Sympathizer of the Year, Warmonger of the Year, Male Chauvinist of the Year, and Sexual Predator of the Year.

OMG, just when we think the Race Grater can't get any more inappropriate, Trump outdoes himself! While meeting with Navajo code talkers, The Grate White Frother made a racist crack about "Pocahontas" and then, with condescension oozing from his pores, patted one of the elderly WWII heroes, saying: "But you know what, I like you. You are special people." Another truly cringe-worthy moment from Old Dickory.

It was a very touching scene when Donald Trump—gasping for breath on his political deathbed—begged Sludge Roy Moore to "Win one for the GROPER!"

Ah, so romantic! It was clearly a case of "love at first bite" when two political pod people—each a Preying Mantis—finally connected by entangling antennae while fully engaging masticating mandibles. It was as if creatures from Predator and Alien embraced, shared a slobbery wet kiss, vowed to "true" to one another, then started looking for warm-blooded humans to devour!

Later, Moore Iago & Co. celebrated Thanksgiving by chuckling about all the evangelical turkeys they'd plucked! Playboy Roy Moore was served by 14-year-olds in cute cowgirl costumes with ultra-short, tight skirts. Dining in pontific splendor at Mire-a-Lago, in between nibbles of succulent white breasts, the American Iago tweeted out the joyful news that the Messiah has indeed returned, in the form of The Donald Himself!

Trump says we don't need another liberal in the Senate. What we really need is another alpha male sexual predator with octopus-like tentacles, like Trump! Someone who's a Gliberal and Fiberal, like Trump!

Ask not what you can do for your country, ask how your daughters can service Moore Trump & Co.

Ivanka Trump said there's a special place in hell for people who prey on children. But then her father told Alabamans to vote for Roy "Score" Moore. Does that make our president the Devil, his Beast, or just an especially perverse Hellfire Imp?

Jeff Flake says that he would wouldn't vote for the Incredible Sincredible Roy Moore.

The White Pride Piper is back to his race-baiting ways. Trump tweeted IT WAS ME!, yelling in ALL CAPS that LaVar Ball should kneel and kiss his ring, like a dutiful plantation slave. When LaVar declined, Trump called him an "ungrateful fool." If there are two things Trumplethinskin can't stand, it's uppity women and uppity people with darker skin.

According to Trump, a black guy who shoplifts should be locked up for 10 years, a black guy who kneels during the anthem should be fired, and a white guy who repeatedly molests and propositions underage girls should be in the US Senate. But if a white guy gropes enough women and brags about it, he should be the American president!

Society is now one polish’d horde,
Form’d of two mighty tribes, the Bores and Bored.
Lord Byron in his epic farce "Don Juan"

Amusing Trump Nicknames from High-Level Sources

THE MORON (Secretary of State Rex Tillerson used the term during a Pentagon meeting on July 20, 2017 with national security experts and Trump cabinet members in attendance.)
THE BOY SPOUTER (Rex Tillerson, who once headed the Boy Scouts, was very angry with Trump's self-serving and moronic speech to the Boy Scouts.)
BEDROCK (Rex Tillerson admits that he is Blarney to his bumbling caveman boss, President Flintstone, when he says they share "bedrock values.")
GOLDEN WRECKING BALL (Sarah Plain was not trying to be funny, but ended up being all too accurate ... so sad!)
AMNESTY DON (Steve Bannon of Breitbart hurled the ultimate white supremacist epithet at Trump.)
THE WINNING WHINER (The Donald bragged about how he "wins" by "whining" during an interview on CNN's New Day program.)

But there is a silver lining in the very dark presidential clouds: When this is how your friends describe you, and how you describe yourself, at least you don't have to worry about your enemies!

Call it Funny Money because the Republicans and their rich patrons will soon be laughing to the bank with your hard-earned money. How do they plan to shift trillions of dollars to the richest one percenters? By getting rid of estate taxes and lowering other taxes the rich already pay at lower effective rates than their secretaries (as Warren Buffet pointed out, admitting that it was very wrong). Why did the last two Republican candidates for president refuse to release their tax returns? Because two of America's richest men have probably paid next to nothing in taxes for a decade, or longer. Everyone knows it's a rigged system, and now Republicans want to rig it even more against the hardworking American middle class. It's a Shamerican Tax Plan, headed by Uncle Scam himself, the greatest scammer of all time. How will Trump & Co. fund their Reverse Robin Hood Scheme? By robbing you of your tax deductions for medical expenses and insurance, state income tax, sales tax, etc. Voting for Re-Flub-Lycans is like slitting one's own throat and the throats of one's children and grandchildren, who will be paying for these "tax cuts" with their blood, sweat and tears for the rest of their lives. So sad, but Trump needs more rich people to pay sky-high membership fees to join his ritzy golf clubs! Hell, the Trumpster's probably playing golf right now, using the presidency as free advertising while taxpayers pay millions of dollars per round for his security entourage.

Bonus Tracks

Stop obsessing over who is taking the knee. Ex-Trump advisor Carter Page has just taken the Fifth.―@GeorgeTakei (aka Mr. Sulu)

If you're sitting on a roof in Texas right now, please take comfort in knowing your president won Missouri. By a lot.―@stonekettle

Hurricane Donald was the third category 5 storm to hit Puerto Rico. The Donald was quick to remind hurricane-battered Puerto Ricans that his Wall Street friends (i.e., his donors) must be repaid. It's so nice to know that the world's most powerful man has his priorities in order! Trump tweeted: "Much of the Island was destroyed, with billions of dollars owed to Wall Street and the banks, which, sadly, must be dealt with." Yes, never mind the deaths, the orphans, the homeless. What really matters is that hedge fund managers and bankers get nice, fat paychecks!

"I have no reaction. The mayor's living on a cot, and I hope the President has a good day of golf." This was the response of Russel L. Honoré, the retired general appointed by Bush to take over the federal response to Katrina in 2005. (We think this one is especially worth copying and pasting, sharing and tweeting.)


Carmen Yulín Cruz is a hero.
Trump is a zero.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Watergate was nothing compared to Floodgate. Trump was closer to a flood in a Russian hotel room than while campaigning and selling overpriced ball caps in Texas. Then the floodgates of his racism hit devastated Puerto Rico like a cyclone. Hurricane Donald is never happy unless he's stirring up white resentment against people with darker skin. This lily-white child of privilege detests underprivileged minorities with a real passion. The white heroes of the recovery in Texas are praiseworthy. The darker zeroes of Puerto Rico must be reminded that they are lazy, shiftless and need to pay their debts. Trump's disdain for people of color abundantly colors his responses to natural disasters.

Repealing DACA in order to MAGA is a load of CACA.―Stephen Colbert 

You know what I love? A famous guy that will take me furniture shopping and just straight up grab my p***y.—Amy Schumer

Is it possible that we've all been groped by Donald J. Trump, but just didn't feel it because of his tiny baby hands?—Stephen Colbert

Things are getting so confusing! We now have three FLOTUSes: Melania Antoinette, Ivana Trump (the ex-wife who claims to be the First Lady), and Ivanka Trump, the First-Lady-Daughter/Proxy-Wife! And who knows how many interns and maids Trump has been groping in the Ovary Office?

Donald Trump makes no sense. He claims to be a germaphobe, but then he brags about groping women's genitals, including Melania's! He's obviously repelled by the thought of women's body fluids, but where does he spend all his free time? Trump's like someone with hay fever who sleeps on a bed of straw, then can't understand why he's itching and sneezing all the time.

Trump is so divorced from the Truth, he should pay it alimony.―Elizabeth Harris Burch aka @Ladydragyn

Trump is a pampered white millionaire who can say and do anything he likes, including grabbing women's genitals without their permission. And yet The Donald claims it is "wrong" for black millionaires to kneel to express their dissatisfaction with white tyrants like Himself. Is there, perhaps, something wrong with this picture? Black men who merely kneel to protest injustice are SOBs. White men with semiautomatic weapons who march with skinheads, Nazis and the KKK are "fine" people and it's wrong for anyone oppose them. Isn't that how Hitler and his goons got started?

Trump called for a boycott of the NFL, then immediately broke the boycott by watching the Cowboys play the Cardinals (because he tweeted about watching the game).

White House lawyer Ty Cobb claimed that "it would be truly shocking" if Paul Manafort had "tried to monetize his relationship with the president." But why would that be so shocking, when Trump himself has blatantly monetized the presidency?

If the guy was running Dairy Queen, he’d be gone. This guy couldn’t work at The Gap. So why do we have to be victimized by his fecklessness, his ignorance? ... Let’s just stop whining about what a goon he is and figure out a way to take him aside and put him in a home.―David Letterman

Ya gotta give Trump props for his remarkable consistency. He always says the worst possible thing at the worst possible time!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Once again, Trump has done the impossible. He turned a tough-as-nails Marine general into a serial face palmer during his U.N. speech.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Kathy Griffin has finally come to her senses! She now says that she doesn't regret her decapitated Trump photo. And let's be honest ... isn't decapitating Trump a guilty fantasy that we all secretly share?―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Green Eggs and Spam
by Michael R. Burch

I do not like your racist ways!
I do not like your hate for gays!
I do not like your talking rump!
I do not like you, Mr. Trump!

I do not like you here or there!
I do not like you anywhere!
I do not like your sham wall scam!
I do not like you, Trump, you ham!

I'm not sure the guy who holds fake press conferences, has a fake university, a fake foundation, fake hair, and a fake tan should be the one in charge of deciding what's real.—Seth Meyers

Steve Bannon told 60 Minutes that the mainstream media is trying to "destroy" Trump. However, Bannon neglected to mention that he is also trying to destroy Trump, and that Trump is trying very hard to destroy himself (and with remarkable success).―Michael R. Burch

Hamza bin Laden is apparently his father's anointed heir, according to recent Al-Qaeda propaganda which prominently features him. In related news, Hamza bin Laden has become a major Trump donor and Trump has appointed him to his swamp cabinet.

At long last, the Trump administration has identified three whistleblowers who will immediately hear The Donald screaming "You're fired!" The leakers' names are Truth, Patriotism and Integrity.

Donald Trump: a man with all the charm of a turd that won't flush.―Russell Howard

Say what you will about Trump, he is not stupid. He is a smart man with a deep understanding of what stupid people want.―Andy Borowitz

I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected.—Jon Stewart

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.—Albert Einstein, explaining why he couldn't hold a candle to Trump in the "idea" department

Trump has a better relationship with Tiffany than he does to facts.—Trevor Noah

Obviously, Trump didn't invent racism. If he had, it would have gone bankrupt years ago.—Samantha Bee

Only in America could a man whose staff took away his Twitter account be given the nuclear codes.―Graydon Carter

Trump is taking us from unprecedented to unpresidented.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump supporters continue to stand by their sham.―Michael R. Burch

Putin' It All Together

Russia is certainly Putin' on the Ritz, as vodka glasses tinkle celebrations in the Kremlin! It is certainly much easier (and far less expensive) to destroy the United States from within, than to face its formidable military! Donald Trump (aka Comrade Trumputin) has wildly exceeded all expectations. Even Mr. Putin never dreamed that the Brooklyn Bolshevik could bring down the once-mighty USA this quickly!

Q: What do you call it when the Kremlin, Trump Tower and white nationalists unite?
A: Putin' on the Ritz Cracker.

Trump's heart and sole tweet: he urges his Twitter followers to "heel and be stronger than ever before." Now the alt-right has a new rallying cry: "Heil Heeler!"―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" #HeilHeeler

The Best Donald Trump Russia Jokes

Donald Trump crowned Vladimir Putin's girlfriend Miss Universe in 2002. What are the odds? Was it payback for loads of dirty laundry washed clean by Putin's rubles?

Trump whitens and brightens his money the old-fashioned way. He launders it.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Let's hope Steve Bannon is as smart as he thinks he is. After his firing/resignation/ouster/whatever, Darth Bannon told the Weekly Standard that the Trump presidency is "over" without him. It was like Darth Vader saying, "Luke, I am no longer your Father and I want the key to the Death Star back!"―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

C'mon folks, please be fair! To call Trump a "lame duck" is an insult to handicapped waterfowl everywhere!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

A recent poll indicates that 36% of Republicans still approve of Trump. In related news, scientists have just confirmed that 36% of Republicans are deaf, blind and very, very dumb!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS FLASH: Donald Trump, the Remander-in-Chief, has ruled that transgenders cannot serve in the military. However, The Transgender Rearender, despite his self-proclaimed and acclaimed perfect health and virility, was rejected by the draft board. Therefore, The Gender Defender must be a transgender, and that explains The Gender Blender's saggy man-boobs and delicate ladyfingers!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS RASH: Scary Spicer has been replaced by Anthony Scaramucci, who is even scarier! Scaramooch in a rare instance of not dancing the Fandango once called Trump a "hack politician." But Mr. About-Face, yet another Gold Man Sucks hedge fund manager, has suddenly become Trump's biggliest and most gushingest Fan Boy. Did Mr. Moneybags offer him a raise? Now the Hacker Backer has Trump's back, or at least The Brownnoser's lips are planted firmly in Trump's pale orange posterior. Mr. Sicko Pants is busy making hay where the sun don't shine. Friends who once called Scaramucci the Mooch are now calling him the Smoocher. But we prefer the more accurate and descriptive A$$ki$$er. And while Moocholini has been identified by certain experts as belonging to a hyperactive species of Hedge Hog, there is a new report that he is actually a Scare Monkey. We, however, are actively investigating the possibility that Two-Faced Scaramucci is both! (We also believe he'll be the lead villain in the next Bratman movie.) At last word Little Tony Tutone had just cornered the world markets for bronzer and hair gel, while his blow-dryer is now the leading cause of global warming! Please stay "tuned" for further developments concerning Press Deputy DIP-pity-'Do.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS TRASH: Alas, Scaramooch will be forced to 'do the Tandango or go it alone, since his wife announced that she will divorce Mr. Irreconcilable Deferences because of his "naked political ambition." That may be a polite way of saying she will step gracefully aside so that The Premature Ejaculator and The Great Gropesby can consummate their obviously torrid love affair, after they were caught in flagrante delicto on national TV.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS GNASH: There's more bad news for Trump. His new White House Chief of Staff is a no-nonsense, straight-shooting former Marine: General John F. Kelly. Now that The ICE Man Cometh, what will become of Kelly's Zeroes? A longtime friend of Kelly's told The Washington Post that he "won't suffer idiots and fools." Obviously that means Low No IQ Trump is in deep sh*t! Does Kelly's refusal to abide idiots and fools make Trump a Lamé Duck President? Or perhaps a Flambé Duck President? On the brighter side, thanks to the hiring of Anthony "the Mooch" Scaramucci (yes, that is actually what he calls himself!) the Trump administration has finally come up with a unified message ... (drumroll please) ... ta da ... and the GRAND UNIFIED MESSAGE is ... Jeff Sessions sucks! And Reince Priebus sucks his own c*ck! And the Mooch would absolutely love to smooch Trump's c*ck! And, oh, yes ... (drumroll please) ... double ta da ... while Trump is being brownnosed and fellated by the Mooch, he is without-a-doubt the "most presidential" of presidents other than Abraham Lincoln! Thus King Gorge is immediately ready for Mount Rushmore (which would be sublimely appropriate, since he seems to be in more than a rush to mount the Mooch)!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS BACKLASH: Tracy Klugian described herself as "furious" about the canning of Anthony "the Conned Mic Gold Rush" Scaramucci. Klugian and other comedians are now demanding that President Trump appoint a replacement acceptable to the comedy industry. "Unless he picks someone of the order of Gary Busey or Snooki, it's going to get ugly," she warned. In related news, Andy Borowitz has estimated that the Smooch-Mooch's firing could cost the comedy industry four to five billion dollars! But the real loser in all this is Mario Cantone, who could have been the next Melissa McCarthy.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS SMASH: Folks, we can all take deep breaths and relax! Certain disaster has been averted, and things are back to merely abnormal in Trump's Bizarro World! We no longer have to fear a new Uncivil War between our government and mobs of homeless, starving comics! According to deniable sources, Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway will soon swoop in backwards asswards to replace the seemingly irreplaceable Mooch-Pooch! One Trump lapdog can easily replace another! And the Con-Way Twit will undoubtedly observe Moocholini's prime directive: "Always provide comedians with the best possible material. Make their jobs as easy sleazy as possible!"―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Please click here for all Anthony Scaramucci Nicknames

NEWS CRASH: The Mandarin Candidate briefly interrupted his 17-day Bedminster golf vacation to fan the flames of the Apocalypse into a raging inferno: "North Korea best not make any more threats to the United States! They will be met with fire, fury and frankly power the likes of which this world has never seen before!" So forget the horrors of WWII, the Holocaust and Hiroshima. That was child's play compared to the power Terminator Trump will unleash on the world, if North Korea emulates the U.S. by issuing threats! But there is one thing the Fourth Dorkman of the Apocalypse wants to make perfectly clear to everyone: he absolutely will not let destroying the world interfere with his golf game!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS REHASH: We can now confirm that Trump is an extremely rare example of the Orange-Tufted Ostrich, the only creature known to spout death-inviting nonsense then bury its head up its own ass to avoid reality. In January, Twitler twittered "It won't happen!" in regard to North Korea developing nukes that can reach the United States. Tweetle-Dumb's head has been firmly up his ass ever since. A few months later, Harry Kazianis, director of defense studies at the Center for the National Interest, announced: "Today is the day that we can definitely say North Korea is a nuclear power. There is no more time to stick our heads in the sand and think we have months or years to confront this challenge." But at last report, Uncle Ream US was still refusing to budge. King Leer's voice was faintly heard, however, muttering something about fire, fury and horrors worse than Hiroshima and Nagasaki.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS HALF-FULL GLASS: There has been a reprieve, of sorts. While mADD Max is still dedicated to the proposition of destroying the world, he has been so busy playing golf and preening for cameras that he hasn't had time to do the finger-strengthening exercises necessary for his underdeveloped digits to key in the nuclear codes! So we may have a few more hours, or perhaps even days, before the nukes start flying. But please don't get your hopes up. Trump has the biggest and best golf courses, the biggest and best nukes, and he will certainly deliver the  biggest and best possible Apocalypse! The Firestarter even informed Gaum's governor that tourism will increase "tenfold" after he's done his thing, perhaps thinking of tourists gawking at the Bikini Atoll. Lots of money to be made, true!, but sixty years later nothing can live there.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS SPLASH: Call him the Cuck of the Walk. A giant inflatable chicken with a golden 'do was placed outside the White House "to criticize the president as a weak and ineffective leader," according to Taran Singh Brar, the director of the documentary film Chicken Don. "He's too afraid to release his tax returns, too afraid to stand up to Vladimir Putin, and now he's playing chicken with North Korea!" Alas, Trump was not able to see his uncanny likeness in person, being in the middle of yet another extended golf vacation. The Caddy Hack did, however, take a quick break between mulligans to berate the Senate for not working! As for nicknames, we tend to favor Chicken Little, since Trump is constantly wailing that the sky is falling.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS SLASH: The Wrath of Con adamantly refuses to rule out the "military option" on North Korea, Venezuela, Liechtenstein, Bouvet, Nauru, Timbuktu, Mitch McConnell, Rosie O'Donnell, Megyn Kelly and Arianna Huffington.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS KKK SASH: While the rest of the nation, including a number of high-ranking Republicans, called for the White Supremacist House to denounce terrorist attacks by neo-Nazis in Charlottesville, Gingervitis was having none of that. These terrorists were Trump's homies, his fans, his voters for chrissakes! So according to The White Pride Piper "many sides" were at fault, just as in the past, when slaves resisted whippings and victims of kangaroo courts resisted lynchings. So sad that slaves resisted being flogged! So sad that they opposed having their children sold down the river! Because they objected, they were equally to blame! So sad that "niggers" being hung from trees kicked their feet and could have potentially bruised their attackers! How very unfair to the white supremacists stringing them up! Because they did not go gently, they were equally to blame! And how very sad and unfair that Trump's father was once arrested at a KKK rally for assaulting a police officer! How equally unequally sad and unfair that Woody Guthrie wrote angry songs about "old man Trump" and his discrimination against black tenants! Yes, The Great White Dope and his homies have been terribly discriminated against! Now they will make AmeriKKKa grate again, and many people with darker skin will migrate again. The proper order (white men on top) must be restored, and Trump is their movement's Poster Man-Boy and Golden I-Con! Of course "Heil Hitlers!" were in order after Trump's stirring defense of Nazism, and the alt-right supplied them. Richard Spencer cheered Trump: "Hail Trump! Hail our people! Hail victory!" People in his audience snapped snazzy Nazi salutes. David Duke expressed profuse thanks to his beloved Hair Furor. Later when reporters questioned Trump―could he really be saying it was wrong to stand up to Nazis?―The AmeriKlan Idol informed them in no uncertain terms that Trump has the bigliest and best eyes. Trump sees things more clearly than anyone else. Trump sees all and knows all. His fake news "trumps" all other news, as his name suggests. After Trump repeatedly insisted that "both sides" were equally responsible for the violence at Charlottesville, CNN senior political analyst David Axelrod compared him to an out-of-control Runaway Truck: "There are no brakes, there is no reverse." John McCain and Mitt Romney pointed out the obvious: that it is not evil to oppose evil. Romney tweeted: "No, not the same. One side is racist, bigoted, Nazi. The other opposes racism and bigotry. Morally different universes." But then Trump probably considers women who resist his gropings to be "equally guilty," if not moreso!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS M*A*S*H*: Wild Bill Hiccup is the leader of the Hole-in-the-Head Gang, the tongue-tangled Gang that Couldn't Talk Straight. Professional criminals know better than to make up weak, nonsensical excuses for things they claim not to have done. But it's Rank Amateur Hour at the White House and our Celebrity Apprentice President is the new King of Unintentional Comedy. Trump can't keep his story straight for consecutive executive tweets. The White House is now on critical care.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

NEWS CRASH: Is Trump tired of "winning" yet, or did we mishear him? Perhaps the Trumpster meant that we would never hear the end of his whining. Is there any actual winning in sight? North Korea is launching ICBMs at an accelerated rate. The much-touted apartheid barrier has shrunk to a 28-mile "strip wall" and Congress will apparently refuse to fund even that token edifice. The Tin Pot Despot ordered Mexican president Peña Nieto to stop publicly refusing to pay for the wall, but once again failed to "win." After all his tough talk about protecting Syrian children and their mothers, Chicken Whittle meekly handed over their fates to Assad and Putin. Putin then spanked Trump in public by shuttering a dacha for American diplomats, after Trump had provided lavish retreats for Russian diplomats. Captain Shamerica reneged on his solemn campaign vows to pull out of NAFTA, to declare China a currency manipulator, and to institute "a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States." Last and completely least, TrumpedUpCare was exposed for the disaster that it so evidently was. When the last cards had been dealt face-up to Cassino Mussolini, the GOP had cashed out on The Great White Emancipator's grand designs to "free" the rich by killing off the poor and middle-income classes. King Trump the Grate then blasted his own party when he bitterly complained that Re-flub-Lycans "could not even negotiate a health care bill after seven years of talking." Now neo-Nazis are chanting "Heil Trump!" while the rest of the nation watches aghast in disbelief. If this is "winning," then clearly I am Trump's monkey uncle!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Ever wonder why Trump seems to be living on his Bedminster golf course these days? Turns out it's not because he loves golf, but because he considers the White House to be a "real dump." The White House was good enough for every president since John Adams, but not for King Trump the Toilet-Plater! At least now we know why Melania Antoinette never moved into the White House. Living in ritzy Trump Tower, she is apparently far above Dolley Madison, Jackie Kennedy, Nancy Reagan, Michelle Obama and all the other first ladies who made the White House the primary home for their husbands and families. When I told my wife what Trump said, she was shocked, then angry, observing that Trump is "trailer trash who won the lottery."

After Trump repeatedly insisted that "both sides" were equally responsible for the violence at Charlottesville, CNN senior political analyst David Axelrod compared him to an out-of-control, runaway truck: "There are no brakes, there is no reverse." John McCain and Mitt Romney pointed out the obvious: that it is not evil to oppose evil. Romney tweeted: "No, not the same. One side is racist, bigoted, Nazi. The other opposes racism and bigotry. Morally different universes." But then Trump probably considers women who resist his gropings to be "equally guilty," if not moreso!

As everyone knows (because he keeps reminding us), Trump only hires the very best people: for example, Mike "Dr. Strangelove" Flynn, Sean "Scary" Spicer, Reince "and Flush" Priebus and, of course, the Mooch. But really folks: is it Trump's fault that the very best people turn into human lemons as soon as they start working under him?
It sounds like Bob Corker has a corkscrew loose. Rather than advising John Kelly “to fire every single person” responsible for leaked information, he ought to advise General Kelly to start handing out medals for patriotism. When a president is constantly saying and doing the wrong things, there should be lots of whistle-blowing. And we can call the courageous whistleblowers “Kelly’s Heroes”!―Michael R. Burch

Personally, I'm still waiting for the winning, but the whining is getting old!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" 

Donald Trump is absolutely correct when he insists that there has been no "chaos" in the White House. The correct term is pandemonium, as in a chorus of demons.

On his first day as White House Chief of Staff, John F. Kelly, a former Marine four-star general, told aides that he intends to impose a new sense of order and operational discipline that had been lacking heretofore. Toward that end, Kelly's first official act was to hand Trump a dunce cap, sit him in the time-out corner, and make him repeat "I will not tweet!" ten thousand times.

Trump is proof positive that fact really is stranger than fiction. A lot stranger. YUGELY and BIGLY stranger.―Michael R. Burch

Are you tired of "winning" yet? North Korea just launched another ICBM. Trump meekly handed over Syria's fate to Assad and Putin. Mexico refuses to pay for the wall, which could easily be defeated with ladders and spades (not to mention boats, helicopters and planes). And tellingly, after seven years of damning Obamacare as the work of the Devil, it turns out that Trump and the GOP are clueless about coming up with anything remotely as good, much less better. However, despite all his failed promises, Trump did produce one major miracle, however unintentional: He managed to make Obamacare vastly more popular!

Trump fired James Comey for being too hard on Hillary Clinton. Now he wants to fire Jeff Sessions for not being hard enough on her! It's like someone gave Viagra to Pinocchio and it went straight to his nose!
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I have complete power to pardon myself for treason!―Donald Trump

Let me be perfectly clear: I did not collude with Russia. Like Sgt. Schultz, I know nutthink!―Jared Kushner

"I am eager to share any disinformation I have with investigating bodies!―Jared "Eager Beaver" Kushner (BTW, investigating bodies is his father-in-law's favorite pastime!)

Trump's plan to "crack down" on Wall Street is to move Wall Street into the White House.―Trevor Noah, after Trump hired yet another Goldman Sachs hedge fund manager

Yes, if you can't drain the swamp, why not bring the crocodiles into your living room and let them work on their death rolls? How entertaining!

Widdle Donnie Whinydiaper: the First Man-Baby President

President Donald Trump signed bills in the  Roosevelt Room of the White House on Monday.

Tiny Hands Trump uses the world's smallest pen and desk to sign his latest dictatorial proclamations. The women pictured are nannies trying to persuade Bratman to take a nap and stop bullying the world, but Man-Baby Trump will have none of that! The antsy Combover Kid believes in ACTION, but hopefully his fingers are still too tiny, weak and delicate to key in the nuclear codes ...

President Donald Trump holds up his pen after signing the Historically Black Colleges and Universities HBCU Executive Order, Tuesday, Feb. 28, 2017, in the Oval Office in the White House in Washington.

Trump's nannies applaud as the Boychurian Candidate learns to operate a pen with his teeny-tiny fingers. Widdle Donnie Whinydiaper is certainly proud of his "big boy" accomplishment. But so far no one has been able to potty-train his mouth (or his Twitter account)!

There's a new reality show about the Trump presidency: The Boss Baby. Now showing at a theater near you!

Trump tweeted that Obama put a "tapp" on his phones. I think the Testy Toddler needs a ppat on the back and a good burpp, then a nice long napp.―Michael R. Burch

The Constitution does not allow 13-year-olds to become president and now we can see why. — Garrison Keillor

Trump supporters voted for change, and boy, are they going to get it! — Garrison Keillor, who calls Trump the "boy president"

When asked about the firing of James Comey, the Terrible Tyke paused, sucked his pacifier, adjusted his nappy, then blabbered: "Easy comey, easy goey!"―Michael R. Burch

Have no fear, Acting President Jared Kushner is here! Headmaster Kushner makes all major decisions while Truant Trump tweets, pouts, preens and cheats at putt-putt golf.

Trump is coming out with a sequel to The Art of the Deal. His new book is The Art of the Squeal. Turns out he's not a master dealmaker, after all, just a whiny brat.

Only in America could a man whose staff took away his Twitter account be given the nuclear codes.―Graydon Carter

It seems that everything the Trumps sell is made abroad. Apparently funding Chinese and Mexican sweatshops is the way to "make America great again."

The Donald has two hard-and-fast rules that govern everything he does: He never accepts anyone else's mistakes and he never admits his own.―Michael R. Burch

Confucius say: Man who lives behind glass wall should stop exposing his enormous ass!

Condoofus say: In addition to big, beautiful glass ceilings for women, we need big, beautiful glass walls for Hispanics!―Michael R. Burch
Condoofus say: We need more big, beautiful bombs! Healthcare for babies and grannies? Not so much!―Michael R. Burch
Condoofus say: I have the biggest, most beautiful launch codes! My women have the the biggest, most beautiful breasts! Everything else is FAKE NEWS!―Michael R. Burch

Tsarzan say: Obamacare bad! Very bad! Tsarzan kill Obamacare, maybe kill Jane and Boy. But that okay because Obamacare bad!―Michael R. Burch

According to an ABC News/Washington Post poll, 24% of Americans think that Trump's tweets are "fitting and proper." Evidently 24% of Americans have no clue what the words "fitting" and "proper" mean.―Michael R. Burch

Q: How many Trump cabinet members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them ... and he's still in the dark!

Q: How can you get Trump to change a light bulb?
A: You don't. He just lies that he changed it, while all the Republicans sit in the dark and agree.

Q: What's the biggest difference between Trump's presidential campaign and his Miss America contests?
A: In Miss America contests, we get to pick from 50 candidates who all want world peace!

Q: What's the difference between the Trumps and professional criminals?
A: Professional criminals don't make up ridiculous excuses for things they deny having done.

Q: What does Trump say when he looks in the mirror?
A: Pardon me!

TrumpCare or TrumpedUpCare?

Irony of ironies, we may be saved from TrumpCare because four Republican senators―Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Ron Johnson and Mike Lee―don't think it will kill enough Americans, and thus may refuse to vote for it!

So what's next? Not building the wall?―@DesiJed

Our thoughts
and prayers are with Paul Ryan, whose youthful dream of robbing poor people of their health coverage was dashed today.―@resnikoff

It's not just Lyin' Ryan whose most cherished dreams may be dashed. Trump seemed ecstatic at the thought of killing off less-fortunate Americans, calling TrumpedUpCare
"a big, fat, beautiful negotiation" during the first meeting of his Cabinet at the White House.

But not so quick! Re-flub-Lycans are not going to give up on their dream of killing poor and middle-class Americans so easily. Republican Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell told his cronies seated in the Senate chamber: "We cannot let this moment slip by!" Hell, John McCain got off his death-bed to vote in support of Obamacare repeal. Needless to say, he's getting the best possible medical care.

Senate Republicans may be evil, but they're not stupid. They are desperately trying to exempt themselves from their own healthcare bill! At least Marie Antoinette said, "Let them eat cake." Re-flub-Lycans say, "Let us eat cake, while everyone else starves!"

The art of the AHCA deal: (1) Bargain in bad faith. (2) Fail. (3) Give up. (4) Blame someone else, preferably Democrats even though they were excluded from the negotiations. (5) Go play golf and cheat to "win."

Trump is clearly delusional. He tweeted: "
I cannot imagine that Congress would dare to leave Washington without a beautiful new HealthCare bill fully approved and ready to go!" Can anyone with an ounce of sense imagine Republicans agreeing on a "beautiful" healthcare plan that covers everyone, as Trump promised while campaigning for president? He seems to actually believe that the pie in the sky he's been selling has nutritional value!

TrumpCareless is the most hated legislation in thirty years, but Trump and McConnell can't wait to get it passed, so they're holding senators hostage, knowing that if they go home their constituents will persuade them NOT to kill multitudes of less fortunate Americans. #FreeOurSenators

The orange Incredible Bulk warns that he will be "very angry" if TrumedUpCare is not passed quickly. He simply cannot wait to rip healthcare away from the most vulnerable Americans: babies, their mothers, the elderly, veterans of health- and mind-destroying wars. #SaveOurCitizens

It's no joke! TrumpCare really will save billions ... by making babies and grannies die sooner rather than later! Are we tired of "winning" yet?

TrumpCare is clearly a rush to fudgement!
―Michael R. Burch

TrumpCare hashtags: #TrumpedUpCare #TrumpWealthCare #TrumpHellCare #DumpCare #DrumpfCare #DumbkopfCare #ChumpCare #LyinRyanDyinCare

Kremlingate aka Russiagate, Trumpgate and Comeygate

G.O.P. now stands for "Government of Putin" and it is clearly of Putin, by Putin and for Putin.―Michael R. Burch

"Give 'Em Hell" Harry S. Truman said, "The buck stops here." One the other hand, "Myself Am Hell" Donald Drumpf said, "The ruble starts here!" (The phrase "Myself am hell" is the signature and self-diagnostic line of Lucifer in John Milton's epic poem Paradise Lost.)

"Russians make up a pretty disproportionate cross-section of a lot of our assets," Donald Trump Jr. told a real estate conference in 2008, "We see a lot of money pouring in from Russia." In 2014, when golf writer James Dodson asked Eric Trump how his father could finance golf courses when American banks were declining to lend money against such assets, he answered: "We don’t rely on American banks. We have all the funding we need out of Russia." So when Trump Sr. claims to have "no dealings" with Russia, he is obviously lying. And Trump Jr. made the purpose of his treasonous Trump Tower meeting with Russian agents crystal-clear when he informed Jared Kushner and Paul Manafort about the covert operation in an email with the subject heading: "Russia – Clinton – private and confidential." Folks, it doesn't take Sherlock Holmes or IBM's Watson to figure this one out!

There will be no single smoking gun that will bring down this White House. It will be death by firing squad—or perhaps a sequence of firing squads—as the whole story inexorably pours out of the administration’s smoldering ruins.―Frank Rich

In this sad but predictable tale, the GOP is the Titanic, while the Trump-Kushner gang is the iceberg that everyone can see but cannot possibly avoid. The difference is that Republicans will apparently give no thought to saving American women and children first, and will act merely for self-preservations, like rats abandoning a sinking vessel.

First, the good news: We have discovered the source of White House leaks! Now, the bad news: The treasonous leaker is the Big Leaker, President Trump himself, pissing on the truth.

The terse order to fire Comey came straight from Mr. Putin―"Nyet Comey!"―and was carried out by Acting President Jared "Jarhead" Kushner and Acting First Lady-Daughter Ivanka Trump-Kushner.

Comrade Trumputin was informed of Comey's termination while he was cheating at putt-putt golf and stealing milk money from kindergartners. The Donald grinned almost as widely as when he celebrated robbing millions of less-fortunate Americans of their healthcare. "Все в день работы!" the Brooklyn Bolshevik exclaimed ("All in a day's work!"). He then referred all questions to Sean "Scary" Spicer and Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway. Later, Trumputin was said to be "very disappointed" when he learned that "termination" meant "fired" rather than "executed." But he must be excused, because he is still struggling with his non-native language, English. He is much more fluent in his primary languages: Russian and Bullshit.

James Comey was Trump's homey when he investigated Hillary Clinton's emails. But when he refused to be Trump's lapdog, it was time for him to be neutered.

Now everyone is breathlessly awaiting word on who Putin will choose to replace FBI Director James Comey.―Gisele Dussault

Fact really is stranger than fiction. Morgan, Lewis & Bockiusthe law firm advising Trump on handling his business conflictswas named Russia's Law Firm of the Year in 2016!

Looking into money laundering around Trump is like investigating moisture in the middle of the ocean. — Mark Sumner

Trump telling the truth under oath would be as improbable as Moses parting the Red Sea, and would also require Divine Intervention.―Michael R. Burch

Reince Priebus said that he felt "blessed" to serve the Antichrist aka the Trump of Doom.

Featured Jokes (and Painful Observations)

A perv, a megalomaniacal fascist, a Russian spy and a con artist enter a bar together. The bartender looks up and asks, "What'll it be, President Trump?"

A new poll reveals that 61% of Americans think Trump is dishonest. In related news, scientists just discovered that 39% of Americans are deaf, blind and really, really dumb. — Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump criticizing someone else's cosmetic surgery is like Jeffery Dahmer criticizing Martha Stewart for keeping luncheon meat one day past the expiration date in her refrigerator! — Michael R. Burch

Tom Brady skipped meeting Trump at the White House for "personal family matters." That is apparently top secret code for "My wife doesn't want me to endorse a racist, chauvinistic, p*ssy-groping fascist!"

President Obama called TrumpedUpCare a "massive transfer of wealth" to the rich. But of course that has long been the GOP's dream. Trump is the billionaires' Messiah, leading the self-appointed Chosen Few to the Promised Land of plenty. If they have to kill a few million babies in the process, it's "no biggie."

Bill O'Reilly's podcasts will allow him to continue to reach the pod people.

Trump's position on climate change is "How can there be global warming when it's still so cold in my soul?" — Frankie Boyle

When Trump speaks, he sounds like a WWF wrestler plugging his next big match. — Ron Howard

White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus told ABC's Jonathan Karl that the Trump administration is "looking at" the First Amendment with the goal of either amending or abolishing it, in order to protect Trump from "unfair" criticism. Never mind that Trump has viciously attacked other people, often blatantly lying in the process. What's good for gander is obviously not good for the cooked goose, in Trump's kitchen where he dishes out the heat but can't take it. Now the days of free speech and dissent are apparently numbered, so please send us your best Trump jokes while you still can!

Former Twitter CEO Frank Costolo compared meeting with Trump to being waterboarded.

"All this information was cunningly concealed by being put in books!" David Frum tweeted in response to Trump's complaint that being president is much harder than he expected

Trump has the attention span of a gnat on meth.―GOP strategist Rick Wilson

Trump has the intellectual depth of a coat of paint.―Charles M. Blow

Trump coinages: Trumpese (n.) A new and very peculiar language in which honesty and accuracy are strictly verboten.

It is FAKE NEWS that Trump is an anti-Semite! Trump is obviously an equal opportunity hater. He despises everyone who isn't Donald J. Trump!

Mr. President, since all my success is clearly based on talking about you, if you really want to take me down, there’s an obvious way: Resign!―Stephen Colbert

A president going after someone telling jokes is unprecedented. That would be like Richard Nixon going after Alfred E. Neuman.―Stephen Colbert

Seventy-year-old men don't get less cranky or racist as time goes by ... Unless they happen to be visited by three spirits in the night!―Jon Stewart

Trump is considering a "huge reboot" of the White House ... I hope he starts by kicking his own ass out the door! — Michael R. Burch

Q: Why does Al Franken laugh whenever Trump speaks?
A: Because he knows a political joke when he hears one!

Maybe Trump meeting with crazy dictators isn't such a bad thing. We finally have a president who speaks fluent maniac.―Michael Che on SNL's Weekend Update

Emma Lazarus called Lady Liberty the "Mother of Exiles." Donald Trump has turned her into the "Smotherer of Exiles." — Michael R. Burch

The French have every right to continue looking down on Americans, since they sent their Trump to the unemployment line by a YUGE margin!

Q: How does Donald Trump disprove Darwin's theory?
A: Trump quite obviously did not evolve.

Q: How does Donald Trump repudiate Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.?
A: Trump is not equal to MLK, nor to other human beings with functional hearts, minds and consciences.

Q: How does Donald Trump confirm Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
A: Everything is "relative" to Trump and his YUGE ego is warping our space and time.

Q: Why is Donald Trump certain to win a Nobel for theoretical physics?
A: Trump proved that Newton's f=ma applies to politics, where Force=Mass (massive stupidity) times Asseleration (Trump's tweets).

Trump is so busy vacationing, playing golf, tweeting, posing for photo ops and campaigning for reelection that he has precious little time to govern. And that is YUGE silver lining for the United States!

Senator Bob Corker told TIME magazine: "I do wish somebody would take his iPhone away from him!" Yes, and his Twitter account too. Only in the United States do we entrust the nuclear codes to someone we wouldn't let babysit our pets, much less our teenage daughters.

This week Donald Trump started building his wall ... a wall between millions of Americans and their health care ... Many congressmen admitted they didn't even read the bill before voting on it. They're treating healthcare the way I treat an iTunes agreement! I'm sure it's fine, then suddenly I'm dealing with pre-existing conditions ... The bill was strongly opposed by the American Medical Association, the American Hospital Association, and the National Physicians Alliance. Though it did receive a rare thumbs-up from the Grim Reaper.―Colin Jost on SNL's Weekend Update

Truant Trump and Lyin' Ryan rushed the American Death Care Act (aka #TrumpedUpCare) through the House without waiting for the CBO to crunch the numbers. But what the hell―when you're ready, willing and eager to write off millions of Americans as lost causes, do the actual numbers really matter? Never mind that those "lost causes" include our aging parents, our grandparents, and eventually our children. Nothing matters to Trump except being a "winner." Now he's "won" and millions of "losers" will have to fend for themselves, at the mercy of heartless insurance companies who also intend to "win" at their expense.

Republican bigwigs are celebrating the denial of healthcare to millions of Americans. "Your premiums are going to come down," Trump rejoiced, dancing a happy jig, "because now we can kill you off if you're not rich!" Paul Ryan was described as "giddy." Mike Pence was positively "ecstatic." Many Trump supporters still don't seem to understand that they are the ones who will suffer under #TrumpedUpCare aka #Lyin'Ryan'Dyin'Care. Who will be hit the hardest? Older people on limited incomes. Who voted Trump into the nation's highest office? Ditto. Now the yoke's on them, as Groucho Marx would say, but unfortunately the same yoke is on us.

Republican Raul Labrador drew intense jeers at an Idaho town hall when he defended the GOP’s ObamaCare repeal plan by claiming that "Nobody dies because they don't have access to healthcare!" Trump's Labrador Retriever had previously opined that healthcare is not a basic human right. In other words, rich people are entitled to healthcare but the rest of us only have the "right" to suffer and die. It's hard to say whether the Labrador Guppy and his owner are evil or just plain stupid, but in either case the end result will be the same.

Warren Buffet told stockholders of Berkshire Hathaway that Trump would give the company a $9 billion tax break. So we can't afford decent healthcare for millions of less-fortunate Americans, but we can afford to help the super-rich, like Warren Buffet, get even richer! But there's no surprise here, because this is the real Republican game plan, and has been for decades. "Trickle down" economics is a golden shower, with the rich pissing their effluent waste on ordinary citizens.

The lesson Bill O'Reilly learned, albeit too late, is that a serial sex abuser must know when to quit TV and run for president.―Stanley Cohen

Donald Trump Jr. spent Earth Day shooting prairie dogs in Montana. Him heap big game hunter!

James Comey said it made him feel "mildly nauseous" to think he influenced the presidential election. Comey will feel "really nauseous" when Trump starts WWIII.

Comey said that he was compelled to announce the investigation of Hillary Clinton's emails, but somehow he was not compelled to announce the investigation of Trump's Russian ties. Now we voters feel nauseous!

Trump called national monuments established by Barack Obama an "egregious abuse of power." He then issued an executive order commanding the national monument at Mount Rushmore to add his image.

The good news is that Bannon has been banished. The bad news is that Reince Priebus is staying, so "Reince twice and spit!"―Michael R. Burch

With the demotion of Darth Bannon, the double-headed hydra Jervanka now rules, so be prepared to be "jerved off."―Michael R. Burch 

Trump was not being hypocritical about Sexual Assault Awareness Month. He was very sincere about letting everyone know that he and his friends Roger Ailes and Bill O'Reilly have the right to sexually assault women!

President Trump cavalierly said: "I don't think Bill O'Reilly did anything wrong." Of course not, since Trump bragged about groping women to Billy Bush League.

Sarah Silverman has called for a military coup to overthrow Trump. But unfortunately it seems there are no American generals that patriotic, brave or wise.

Donald Trump is on a fact-free diet.

Trump is now using Syrian children to justify his cruise missile attack on Syria. Those are the same Syrian children he not only banned from entering the United States, but said must be "taken out" by the American military as "retribution" for acts of terrorism. Is Trump incredibly confused or are those crocodile tears he's weeping?

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. told Erin Burnett that Trump is "turning America into a petrostate," noting that "It's hard to see a good end for our country from those kinds of policies." Will Trump kill your children or grandchildren by blithely ignoring the ever-mounting evidence of global warming (such as rising sea levels, which cannot be fudged)? Unfortunately, this is no joke. Today it's bees and other pollinators that are endangered. Tomorrow, it may be us and our descendents.

Trump was being questioned about collusion with Russia. A reporter asked him point-blank: "Have you or any members of your inner circle ever knowingly communicated with Russian intelligence agents?" Trump's face flushed crimson with rage. It took him nearly a minute to regain enough composure to speak. Then he screamed: "Read my lips ... NYET!"―Michael R. Burch 

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-Un start a nuclear war and die at the same time. They are greeted at the gates of hell by the Devil, who explains that they can make one final call, but such calls may be VERY expensive. Since they are rich and can't take it with them, all three agree. Putin calls Russia and talks for five minutes; the charge is one million dollars. Jong-Un calls North Korea and talks for ten minutes; the cost is two million dollars. Trump calls his family and talks bigly for hours, but the cost is only five bucks. A seething Putin demands to know why Trump got off so cheap. The Devil replies: "Since he took over, the US has gone to hell, so it's a local call!"

Theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking was asked in an interview whether his knowledge of the universe allowed him to explain Trump's popularity. "I can't," Hawking replied. "He's a demagogue who seems to appeal to the lowest common denominator." Understandably, the Trumpites were baffled by Hawking's use of moderately long words. But they were inordinately pleased to be considered "common dominators" following a "demigod."―Michael R. Burch

The swamp drained Trump, according to Republican congressman Justin Amash of Michigan. Trump is being mocked by his own party. “@RealDonaldTrump It’s a swamp not a hot tub. We both came here to drain it. #SwampCare polls 17%. Sad!” tweeted Representative Thomas Massie of Kentucky, a Tea Party conservative.

According to the New York Times, it was Acting President Stephen KKK Bannon who instructed Trump to use his Twitter feed as a "rhetorical prod" to attack conservatives like Amash and Massie who didn't fall in line. Does the phrase "divided we fall" ring any bells?

Richard Nixon insisted, "I am not a crook!" But of course he was. Now Donald Trump shrilly insists, "I am not a crook/con-artist/liar/traitor/spy/fascist/racist/bully/chauvinist/molester!" Methinks the laddie protests too much.―Michael R. Burch 

"When you are given immunity, that means that you have probably committed a crime," according to General Michael Flynn. Well, guess who is now pleading for immunity? Red Flynnstone himself!

When Trump promised that he would "drain the swamp," he forgot to mention than he would immediately restock it with cold-blooded Russian krokodils

Welcome to Trumpistan. Trump is draining the swamp of tadpoles and filling it with Gila monsters.―Graydon Carter

The GOP had seven years to come up with something better than Obamacare. It was their "job one." But in the end their only functional department was the complaint department.

Paul Ryan admitted: "This is a disappointing day for us." Ryan is YUGELY disappointed that he won't be able to kill less-advantaged American citizens by denying them decent healthcare.

Sweetie you are a first season Real Housewife making stuff up to stay on the show.—Andy Cohen, in response to Trump's fake news tweets

The house is on fire, Trump is running around with a box of matches, and the GOP demands to know who called the fire department.—Garry Kasparov, Chairman of the Human Rights Foundation

In the Kremlin the top-secret plan for Putin to control Trump is code-named "Operation Taming of the Orange Shrew." — Michael R. Burch

Trump, you're no "star."
Putin made you an American Czar.
Now, if we continue down this dark path you've chosen,
pretty soon we'll all be wearing lederhosen.
―Michael R. Burch

The White House resident
is NOT my president.

If you vote for Republicans
that makes you reflublicans!
They don't care like Obama,
not even for your momma.
They'll toss her in the dump,
bowing down to King Trump
in the ritzy Rose Garden
as he writes himself a pardon.
―Michael R. Burch

Today Trump said he believes in torturing prisoners. Which is bad news for Melania.―Jimmy Kimmel

Trump has only two options for illegal immigrants: "Get out!" or "Marry me!"―Jimmy Kimmel

Now Donald said he wants to run for President and move on into the White House. Why not? It wouldn’t be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home.—Snoop Dogg

Trump is like the guy who'll say anything to get laid, only this time he's trying to fuck the country.―Mark Cuban

It’s safe to say everything Trump touches turns to gold. Especially the Miss Teen U.S.A. contestants he pees on.―Seth McFarlane

Donald Trump really has egg on his face now. Which pairs nicely with the hash browns on the top of his head.―James Corden

Being on reality TV is the closest Trump ever got to reality. His children look like a teen movie about Wall Street vampires directed by Uday Hussein.―Frankie Boyle 

A Donald Trump rally was delayed for nearly two hours yesterday due to fog. At one point the fog was so thick, Trump supporters couldn't even see who they were punching!―Conan O’Brien

Trump told supporters he'd like to punch protesters in the face, but he looks more like the guy who strokes a white cat while somebody else punches you in the face.―Seth Meyers

For Trump, women are either servants or sex objects, rated on a scale of 1-10.―LiberallyBlogging in DailyKos

Trump's movement is great ... for a bowel movement.―Michael R. Burch

The Donald will remain executive producer of Celebrity Apprentice. And that's only fitting, since Trump will be the first Celebrity Apprentice President.―Michael R. Burch

Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway claims microwaves can be turned into "cameras." Is that how her brain got scrambled—by an overactive microwave oven?

Rachel Maddow has Trump's tax return. He must have signed it too close to his microwave. And in the process his brain vaporized and his hands shrank to the size of daffodils.

It's important to be fair. And it is beyond obvious that Trump couldn't possibly have groped all those women because his fingers are far too tiny, dainty, weak and fragile! #ExonerateBabyFingersTrump

It is completely unfair to compare Donald Trump to Chicken Little! Chicken Little only cried that the sky was falling. Trump's crying is actually making it fall!

How's that Hillary hate thing working out for you, Bernie supporters, now that Trump's president?

C'm'on lefties! Admit that Trump has been very tough on China! He has been especially tough on Chinese kids who slave away in sweatboxes, making his menswear! He has also been incredibly tough on Hispanic and Muslim kids!

Trump "Solution" Jokes

When Obama was president, a 4.8% jobless rate was "totally fiction" and the "real" rate was around 42%. But now that Trump is president, virtually the same rate (4.7%) is suddenly solid gold and the gospel truth!

The GOP's Unaffordable No Care Act will be known unofficially as TrumpedUpCare and Lyin'RyanDyin'Care, since both Trump and Ryan will claim credit for it ... until it implodes.
TrumpedUpCare's biggest losers, ironically, will be Trump's supporters. Obama was Evil Incarnate for trying to help them. Trump is an Angel for sentencing them to slow, lingering deaths. Go figure.
#TrumpedUpCare is #WealthCare, not healthcare.
Obama did care about the less fortunate. Trump only cares about the fortunate, like Himself, and thus his plan is #NoMamaCare.
The Congressional Budget Office confirmed what we already knew: Trump and the GOP don't care whether we live or die, and #TrumpedUpCare proves it.
Trump supporters evidently believe that the only people losing healthcare will be "those people." They are about to learn that they are "those people" to Trump, Ryan and the GOP.
Lyin' Ryan told the truth for a change: he admitted to Rich Lowry that he has been dreaming of cutting Medicaid since he started drinking out of kegs. Here's a toast to all the people Lyin' Ryan will kill. Skoal.
According to Paul Ryan, covering more people is just a "beauty contest." And of course Trump is the King of beauty contests. The more attractive female patients will be ogled and groped; the rest can die and go to hell for all that Tricky Trump and Lyin' Ryan care.
Donald was once a popular name in Scotland, but no longer. Donald is going the way of the German name Adolf, and for the same reason.
Now we know why Trump wanted to become president: so he could claim "immunity" and pardon himself for multiple cases of sexual assault!
Since Trump and Ryan weren't able to kill millions quickly by taking away their healthcare, they have opted to kill billions slowly by polluting the earth till it fries us to crisps.
Trump declared the "start of a new era" in which coal mining trumps clean energy. That's like preferring ox-drawn plows to tractors and combines, only with deadlier consequences.
Trump likes to style himself not only as a dealmaker, but as "the closer." But he's closer to a loser after his primary initiatives have failed miserably.
Trump has a "Big Agenda." It's absolutely YUGE. Amerika's Reverse Robin Hood will rob the poor and give liberally to the super-rich. That, apparently, makes him a conservative!
TrumpedUpCare is the reverse of real healthcare: it offers smaller premiums to very healthy people and allows everyone else to wither and die. Will Trump and Ryan kill someone you love?
When Trump and Pence met with the far-right House Freedom Caucus, a room full of men stood and cheered a plan that would strip women and babies of maternity and prenatal care. Go, boys, go!

Senator Charles Schumer: "Ultimately, the TrumpCare bill failed because of two traits that have plagued the Trump presidency since he took office: incompetence and broken promises. In my life, I have never seen an administration as incompetent as the one occupying the White House today. They can't write policy that actually makes sense, they can't implement the policies they do manage to write, they can't get their stories straight, and today we've learned that they can't close a deal, and they can't count votes. So much for the Art of the Deal. I also have never seen a President break as many promises to working people as this President has done in just over two months. President Trump said we're going to have health insurance for everyone that's going to cost less. TrumpCare would have done exactly the opposite. This bill would have been a boon for the wealthy, providing a huge tax cut for Americans making over $250,000, while causing premiums to rise by more than $12,000 for lower income seniors. Today should be the last day the cloud of TrumpCare hangs over the American people.

Jokes of the Day, Week and Month

Sean Spicer announced that Devin Nunes's secret visit to the White House was "routine and proper." Spicer added that Donald Trump's groping of non-consenting women was also "routine and proper."
Hey, Trump, guess what? We're not tired of winning yet! Are you getting tired of losing? #TheLoyalOpposition #TheResistance #LoveTrumpsHate
Trump is right about one thing: it is time to repeal and replace ... him! #DumpTrump
Oh the irony that Donald Trump and Paul Ryan have no Plan B!―@margarita (Plan B is the morning after pill, which arch conservatives hate and hope to ban)
This is absolutely YUGE! People are now showing up by the twos and tens at Trump's post-election rallies!
Trump just received 38 new trademarks in China, including one for "escort services." Yes, he is really "hard" on China ... positively rigid!
"Escort services" sounds about right, though one source also calls it "concierge services." Either way, someone is getting screwed. — Walter Einenkel in Daily Kos
Americans keep mishearing Trump. He didn't say that he would be "hard on" Russia and China. He said that he has a "hard on" for Russia and China. — Michael R. Burch #TrumpHardonChina
It's a miracle! When Trump was running for president the employment rate was a hoax and a disaster. Now that he's president, the employment rate is suddenly real, and a very good thing! #TruthTrumped
Donald Trump will have yet another "victory celebration," this time in Nashville. In other news, Nashville's mayor announced that the city will be renamed Gnashville in Trump's honor.
Will Tweety and the Twits be shown the door soon? Will it be the door of a federal prison, for the high crime of treason?―Michael R. Burch
Harry Truman said "The buck stops here!" But when Trump tweets "The muck starts here!"
Why does Trump make all those weird faces when he talks? He is trying very hard not to burst into laughter as he watches millions of people buying his BS.
We've been told that we must eventually accept the election results, so it's time to acknowledge our new acting president: Stephen KKK Bannon.
The ban is on, thanks to Acting President Bannon.―Michael R. Burch
Impeach President Bannon!
Trump is Wilhuff Tarkin, the evil but fragile Death Star commander. Bannon is his forbidding overlord, Darth Vader. The orders are issued in the background by the real mastermind, Emperor Putin.
All Trump's tweets boil down to one simple message: "I am the ANTICHRIST! Praise, worship and obey me while I summon the Apocalypse!"
Six Russian diplomats have died since November and they apparently appeared in Trump's MI6 dossier. While Trump is puttin' on the Ritz, is the KGB Putin on the Hitz?
The KGB is rolling up its Trump operations cell.―Ammo Hauler
Mr. Putin has decided that there must be no loose ends that might endanger the reign of his puppet, Comrade Trumputin.
It is FAKE NEWS that Trump is a know-nothing! Trump does know one thing: he knows how to get know-nothings to vote for him!―Michael R. Burch
Welcome to Lyin'RyanDyin'Care! Welcome to TrumpedUpCare! This is what we get when we elect Re-flub-Lycans.
According to the latest intelligence, Donald Trump is known at the Kremlin as Secret Agent 666, codename THE BEAST.
First, Richard Nixon insisted, "I am not a crook!" Now Donald Trump keeps insisting, "I am not a Russian spy, codenamed Comrade Trumputin!" — Michael R. Burch
George Washington is the father of the United States. Donald Trump is the father of the United States Serving Russia, the new U.S.S.R.
Donald Trump is imploding like a California mudslide, and he's taking the GOP infrastructure down with him.
Scott Pruitt claims carbon dioxide is not the primary cause of global warming. And he should know, because it is clearly the hot air emanating from his empty skull that is doing most of the damage!
Trump complaining about other people's fake news is like Niagara Falls complaining about your faucet dripping.―Michael R. Burch
Trump has infallible hindsight because his head is always up his ass.―Michael R. Burch
Trump is a triumph of de-evolution! He has the attention span of a goldfish, the intelligence of a dodo, the manners of a spitting cobra, the pride of a peacock, and the desire for attention of a hyperactive lapdog.
Friends, please don't act so surprised. This is was what happens when we elect an Orange-Tufted Shit Gibbon president. Now the monkey dances to Organ Grinder Bannon's dark, evil tunes.
Joe Scarborough accused Kellyanne Conway of being a "free agent." But he left out a word: she's a "fact-free agent."―Michael R. Burch
Kellyanne "Wrongway" Conway said that if journalism were a "real business, 20% of the media would be fired for making so many mistakes. That's amusing, coming from Miss Misinformation herself!
It’s still difficult to classify Trump exactly: he’s not a classic Nazi, but would burn books if his supporters knew how to read.―Frankie Boyle
If the Queen ever has to shake Trump’s hand, she will put on so many gloves she’ll look like Mickey Mouse.―Frankie Boyle
I think I've got #TrumpTourette's. I know I should "go high" but every time I mention his name, it's followed by cursing! And the only cure is impeachment.―Elizabeth Harris Burch tweet
Is Trump really Putin's Puppet and Bannon's Bitch, or is The Donald his own man-baby?―Michael R. Burch
Kellyanne "Wrongway Conway" has proved that you certainly can put lipstick on a pig, then dress it up in "alternate facts" and watch it oink and boink its way to the presidency.―Michael R. Burch
Trump put Iran "on notice." Apparently he wrote "Please stop!" on a post-it note. Iran was not impressed and fired another missile. Is this the way the world ends: with a whimper then a bang?
Trump tweeted: 'We must keep "evil" out of our country!' We all agree, so let's ban and deport Trump. IMMEDIATELY. BIGLY. YUGELY.
It's interesting that Trump put "evil" in quotation marks, because we do that when we don't consider a term to be applicable. Is Trump really "smarter" than our generals? See what I mean?
The new Republican Party slogan: "Let's party like it's 1999 (BC)!"
Voters were sick of "politics as usual." And they got what they wanted because "nothing in politics is more unusual than Trump."―David Von Drehle
Don't dismiss a Donald Trump presidency. The man knows how to look successful while sitting atop a bankrupt empire.—@badbanana
Just when we think Trump's three-ring circus can't get any more entertaining, a new Bozo tumbles out of the clown car. Rick Perry? Which department? Oops!―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump Puns, Word-Play and Chiasmus

If Donald Trump gets elected, there'll be hell toupée.―Anonymous
When Trump is elected we will all have toupée the price.―Ryan Bourassa
Teddy Roosevelt spoke softly and carried a big stick; Donald Trump speaks loudly and carries a big shtick.―Michael R. Burch
Trump has always been a bully. Now he has the world's biggest bully pulpit.―Michael R. Burch
I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping.―Stephen Colbert
Americans have been mishearing The Donald: what he actually said is that he will make America grate again, after which many of them will migrate again.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump has filed so many bankruptcies that his children have receding heir lines.―Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump's favorite chapter of the Bible is obviously Chapter 11.―Anonymous
Donald Trump accused Huma Abedin of sharing state secrets with her husband. I think Trump clearly lacks a sense of Huma.— Michael R. Burch 
Donald Trump just announced that if the GOP doesn't treat him fairly, he will resurrect the Whig party and run as its hair apparent.―Michael R. Burch
Bill Clinton tried to keep his affairs private. Donald Trump makes his privates an international affair.―Michael R. Burch
These are clearly the end times, and now we understand why the prophets warned us about the Trump of Doom.―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast? This is no joke, because the most expensive single building ever sold in the United States was purchased by the Trump family, at 666 Fifth Avenue, a street that symbolizes money (Mammon). The price was $1.8 billion, which is three more sixes. Another Trump tower at One Journal Square will be 666 feet high with a price tag of $666 million. And still that is just the tip of the 666 iceberg. The founder of the original Trump company died on 6-6-6 and her maiden name may shock you: Elizabeth Christ. You can click the hyperlink to learn more (no annoying ads or requests for money; this is a public service). Yes, it does sound like the plot of a new OMEN movie, but in this case fact really is stranger than fiction. Ironically, evangelical Christian leaders are now lining up to endorse Trump. Have the very elect been deceived, just as the Hebrew prophets predicted thousands of years ago when they warned us to listen for the Trump of Doom? The Antichrist has been prophesied to be a sort of "reverse twin" of Jesus Christ, as if Lucifer became flesh and sought to become the Savior of the world. And Trump has certainly been proclaiming himself as the only possible Savior. For instance, at a campaign rally in Kiawah Island, S.C., the egomaniacal Trump made it clear that he, not God Almighty, is the only possible defender of Christians. Discussing ISIS, Trump said, "Their primary goal is to get to the Vatican. If and when the Vatican is attacked, the pope would only wish and have prayed that Donald Trump would have been elected president." In other words, it is useless for people of faith to pray to God for protection. Christians should pray for Trump to save them. After a terrorist attack in Pakistan on Easter Sunday, Trump tweeted: "Another radical Islamic attack, this time in Pakistan, targeting Christian women & children. At least 67 dead, 400 injured. I alone can solve." No compassion, no condolences, just Trump bragging on Trump. And what arrogance! Who but the Antichrist would claim to be the only possible savior of Christians? Who but the Antichrist would claim to be a Christian while denying the need to ask God for forgiveness? Who but the Antichrist would denigrate Holy Communion by reducing it to a "little cracker" and a "little wine," when these represent the sacred body and blood of Jesus Christ to real Christian believers?

Donald Trump is now ahead of Hillary Clinton in the polls. This was reported today in The Washington Post, and 2,000 years ago in the Book of Revelation.―Conan O'Brien

Republicans sowed intolerance and in its shadow, Trump sprang up like toxic fungi.
―Charles M. Blow

Are Republicans hypocrites? Do they tell their children to stand up to bullies, then like cowards refuse to stand up to Trump, the Ultimate Bully?―Michael R. Burch

Related pages: The Best Donald Trump Jokes, The Best Donald Trump Jokes Part 2, The Best Donald Trump Jokes Part 3, The Best Donald Trump Jokes Part 4, The Best Donald Trump Puns, The Best Donald Trump Limericks, The Best Donald Trump Nursery Rhymes, The Best Donald Trump Insults, 2016 Republican First Presidential Debate, Is there a Republican War on Women?, The Donald Trump Bible, The Best Ted Cruz Jokes, Conservatives Who Support Gay Marriage, Donald Trump Nicknames, Trump 45 Nicknames, Ten Reasons to "Fire" Donald Trump, Donald Trump's "Muslim Friends", Where Have All the Birthers Gone?, The Best Ted Cruz Jokes, Ted Cruz Nicknames, Is Ted Cruz an Anchor Baby?, More Donald Trump Jokes, Is Donald Trump a Fascist?, Donald Trump Trivia, Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast, Is Ted Cruz the Antichrist?, Marco Rubio Nicknames, Is Donald Trump the Antichrist?, Donald Trump Violence Quotes, Trump Trivia, Donald Trump in his Own Words: Fact-Checking Trump, Donald Trump Funny Campaign Slogans and Parodies, Donald Trump Halloween Ideas, The Best and Worst Tweets Ever, Donald Trump Tweets, Donald Trump Nicknames for his Cabinet, Family, Friends, Associates and Supporters, Famous Nicknames, Jared Kushner Nicknames, Judge Roy Moore Nicknames, The Best Donald Trump Russia Jokes, Trump Christmas, Donald Trump Sexism Timeline/Chronology

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