The HyperTexts

The Best Donald Trump Jokes, Puns, Tweets, Quotes, Poems, Limericks and Hashtags

Q: What do you call it when a Man-Baby takes over the American government?
A: Coup d'Tot.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected.—Jon Stewart

Image result for trump caveman

Trump Coup Nicknames: Cave Man (Rush Limbaugh), Blarney Rubble, Cheeto Benito, Cheat-o Benito, Cassino Mussolini (Samantha Bee), The Banana Republican, The Saffron Seditionist (Michael R. Burch), The Lyin' King, The Madness of King Gorge the Turd, Incurious Gorge (Captain Sully Sullenberger)

Arse Brevis
by Michael R. Burch

The Donald may tweet from sun to sun,
but his spellchecker’s work is never done.

Welcome to the wonderful, wacky world of the The Donald and his ultra-privileged cronies. We now have the continuing saga of Ted and Heidi Cruz’s excellent Cancún adventure ... It turns out that the Cancún Cruzer was not forced to chaperone his daughters after all, because Heidi Cruz texted neighbors that the Cruzes were FREEZING in all caps and were going to stay at the Cancún Ritz Carlton for the weekend, not just long enough for Terrible Ted to get his daughters to warmer climes and fly back immediately to be with his constituents. When the going gets tough, Terrible Ted gets going ... to the warmth and safety of the Cancún Ritz Carlton!

Related pages: Delusional Donald Trump Quotes, Trump Puns, Trump Limericks, Trump Nursery Rhymes, Trump Nicknames, Trump 666

The Top Ten Donald Trump Jokes

Donald Trump is giving narcissism a bad name.―Madeline Begun Kane aka Mad Kane

There are schizophrenics with Tourette's who have more control over what comes out of their mouths than Donald Trump.―Bill Maher

Donald Trump is "the kind of person who goes to the Super Bowl and thinks the people in the huddle are talking about him."―Eric Schneiderman

Donald Trump likes to say he's a friend to "the blacks." Unless the Blacks are a family of white people, I'm guessing he's mistaken.―Seth Meyers

This is what I've been waiting for my whole life: a President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a$$hole!―Lewis Black

In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, Donald Trump said, "I believe in God." But of course The Donald was talking about HIMSELF.―Jay Leno

Maybe he should ease into this ... by running for a lower office first, like President of the Hair Club for Men.―Jimmy Kimmel

Here's the thing about Donald Trump: he never apologizes; he's never wrong no matter what crazy thing he says. He's the white Kanye.―Bill Maher

Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.―Craig Ferguson

Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he's sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that!―David Letterman

Apparently David Letterman spoke prophetically, because since his election Trump has become the object of global ridicule. After world leaders assembled at the UN burst into laughter when Trump informed them that he had done more in two years than "almost any other" American president, Stephen Colbert quipped: "Don't worry, Mr. President, they're not laughing at you, they're laughing with each other at you!"

The Top Ten Donald Trump Jokes of Michael R. Burch, expanded to a Baker's Dozen

Teddy Roosevelt spoke softly and carried a big stick; Donald Trump speaks loudly and carries a big shtick.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Americans have been mishearing The Donald: what he actually said is that he will make America grate again, after which many of them will migrate again.―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump has filed so many bankruptcies that his children have receding heir lines.―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump accused Huma Abedin of sharing state secrets with her husband. I think Trump clearly lacks a sense of Huma.— Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump threatened that if the GOP doesn't treat him fairly, he will resurrect the Whig party and run as its hair apparent.―Michael R. Burch

Putin' It All Together

Q: What do you call it when the Kremlin, Trump Tower and white nationalists unite?
A: Putin' on the Ritz Cracker.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

If Trump has a movement behind him, a bowel must be involved.―Michael R. Burch

Trump is taking us from unprecedented to unpresidented.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump's maskless rioters apparently believe in herd impunity.―Michael R. Burch

Trump has Americans playing a deadly game of Follow the Pleader.―Michael R. Burch

These are clearly the end times and now we know why the prophets warned us about a "little horn" and the Trump of Doom.―Michael R. Burch

The federal budget deficit for Trump's first fiscal year was 666 billion dollars. The founder of the Trump family business died on 6-6-66. The Trump family purchased 666 Fifth Avenue, an eerie number on a street that symbolizes money (Mammon). The Trump Tower is 203 meters tall, and that equals 666 feet. On the Ides of March, the day the Roman empire became a dictatorship, Trump had 666 delegates. Trump was born on a blood moon. And that's just the tip of the Antichrist iceberg! (For more eerie connections, please click Trump 666)

Evangelicals love Trump. Sure he's a liar, but he's their liar. Sure he's a sexual predator, but he's their sexual predator. Sure he's the opposite of Jesus Christ in every imaginable way, but he's their Antichrist.―Michael R. Burch

To see how Trump fulfills Biblical prophecies, please click the hyperlink.

The page features Donald Trump jokes by comedians like Alec Baldwin, Samantha Bee, Lewis Black, Louis C.K., Michael Che, Stephen Colbert, James Corden, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson, Will Ferrell, Al Franken, Nick Hall, Colin Jost, Jimmy Kimmel, Lisa Lampanelli, Jay Leno, David Letterman, Bill Maher, Steve Martin, Seth Meyers, Trevor Noah, Conan O'Brien, John Oliver, Chris Rock, Amy Shumer, Sarah Silverman, Jon Stewart and Michelle Wolf. We also have quips and quotes by celebrities like Glenn Beck, Joe Biden, Max Boot, Andy Borowitz, Cher, Hillary Clinton, Ann Coulter, Mark Cuban, Snoop Dogg, Van Jones, Rachel Maddow, Barack Obama, Dan Rather, Marco Rubio and Howard Stern. Plus we have "top ten" lists of puns, poems, limericks, tweets, memes, quotations, insults, nicknames, hashtags, campaign slogans, coinages, etc.

Trumpkin: Americans are carving their Halloween pumpkins as Donald ...

Q: What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common?
A: They're both orange on the outside, hollow on the inside, and need to be tossed out in early November.

Q: How do you get Donald Trump to shut up?
A: Ask him to condemn White Supremacy.

The Democrats have moved to the right, and the Republicans have moved to the insane asylum. — Bill Maher

Right wingers long to play follow the leader, or in Trump’s case, follow the Pleader. — Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

The Trumps — mocked, ridiculed and shunned by high society are now the Outcasts and MAGA NON GRATA: "Whether they head for the backwater luxury of New Jersey, the towering gilt of Park Avenue, or a $30 million Florida plot, Jared and Ivanka will reenter society as outcasts." — "MAGA NON GRATA" in Vanity Fair

Floriduh is the perfect state of residence for Trump. After all, Trump is florid in both face and speech, and he favors duh-mock-racey as his political system. Also, thanks to the warm Florida sun, the Great Trumpkin can now save tons of money on that ghastly orange pancake makeup. ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Will the people of Florida elect Donnie Dunce Junior as their governor?
Will the people of Florida elect ICE Princess Ivanka as their senator?
Will the people of Florida appoint Eric the Shred to be the poster boy for abused ventriloquist dummies?
The answers to these questions are: NO, NO and YES.
— Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Call him Meeky Mouse since Trump got vaccinated in private before leaving the White House. ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump has no "path to victory." He continues to pave one to infamy. ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump said recently at a rally, “This election was stolen! We will see the Dems, and especially Joe Biden, in prison!” When asked about the comment, Biden replied, “Why would I ever go visit him in prison?”

Q: Since he is now a former president, will Trump's portrait be hung in the White House?
A: Yes, Trump’s portrait will be hung from the gallows his supporters erected to execute Mike Pence.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump is grasping at proverbial straws, and they're about to break the elephant’s back. — Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition," written after Trump lost around 60 post-election lawsuits, while convincing legions of his followers that there's no point to voting in "rigged" elections, then incited an attack on the nation's Capitol building that left five people dead and 50 police officers wounded.

Trump has more flip-flops than a Florida beach ... before the coronavirus, of course! ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Wrongway Kellyanne Conway is quite the comedian. She said Trump supporters would "crawl over broken glass" to see him in person. Well, there must have been a LOT of broken glass in Tulsa and Tampa ...

Trump's campaign has become a no-fly zone. Why have people stopped showing up for Trump rallies? Perhaps because he suggested injecting lethal disinfectants? Or maybe because his new medical adviser is an expert on demon semen? Or perhaps because Trump wished his fellow pedophile and sexual predator Ghislaine Maxwell all the best?

The CON-tinuing saga of Don the Con's CON-federacy of dunces:

Trump's lawyers are so incompetent, they can't spell their own names! Lin Wood is The Pluralist because he filed an amicus curiae brief with the Supreme Court and not only pluralized amicus to amici for some unfathomable reason, but even pluralized his last name to Woods! Loopy Lin went on to refer to himself as the amici (friends) rather than amicus (friend) of the court, saying in a garbled mix of English and Latin: "Amici (Friends) is L. Lin Woods, Jr. ..."

The Sidney Powell legal team misspelled the word "district" three different ways in documents submitted to state courts: "THE UNITED STATES DISTRICCT COURT, NORTHERN DISTRCOICT OF GEORGIA, EASTERN DISTRCT OF MICHIGAN."

At long last, Lin Wood has produced actual evidence of election fraud in Georgia! However, it turns out the election fraud was Loopy Lin himself, since he apparently changed his legal residence to South Carolina, then illegally voted in Georgia. In a glorious irony, the Georgia secretary of state's office is now investigating Wood for election fraud. Then, while attempting to cover up his crime, Lyin' Lin once again proved that he can't spell by emailing: "I changed my resident [sic] to South Carolina on February 1, 2021."

The Philadelphia Inquirer reported that Trump impeachment attorney Michael van der Veen once called his client a “fucking crook.” Now van der Veen will get the chance to test that theory when he tries to collect his fees!

Sexual predators of a feather
flock together.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

England once experienced the Madness of King George the Third. Americans are now experiencing the Madness of King Gorge the Turd.

Will the Bar Association bill and bar Bill Barr? Will Trump then declare Colludy Rudy Giuliani his new Detourney General? — Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

After William Barr is disbarred, will he end up behind barrs, or will he find employment as Trump's personal barrtender and anal barrometer? — Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump's supporters go on and on about the "deep state," but they are in a deep state of denial. — Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Widdle Donnie Whinydiaper: the First Man-Baby President

President Donald Trump signed bills in the  Roosevelt Room of the White House on Monday.

Tiny Hands Trump uses the world's smallest pen and desk to sign his latest dictatorial proclamations. The women pictured are nannies trying to persuade Bratman to take a nap and stop bullying the world, but Man-Baby Trump will have none of that! The antsy Combover Kid believes in ACTION, but hopefully his fingers are still too tiny, weak and delicate to key in the nuclear codes. Trump's nannies applaud as the Boychurian Candidate learns to operate a pen with his teeny-tiny fingers. Widdle Donnie Whinydiaper is certainly proud of his "big boy" accomplishment. But so far no one has been able to potty-train his mouth (or his Twitter account)!

Trump tweeted that Obama put a "tapp" on his phones. I think the Testy Toddler needs a ppat on the back and a good burpp, then a nice long napp. ― Michael R. Burch

The Constitution does not allow 13-year-olds to become president and now we can see why. — Garrison Keillor

Trump supporters voted for change, and boy, are they going to get it! — Garrison Keillor, who calls Trump the "boy president"

When asked about the firing of James Comey, the Terrible Tyke paused, sucked his pacifier, adjusted his nappy, then blabbered: "Easy comey, easy goey!" ― Michael R. Burch

Have no fear, Acting President Jared Kushner is here! Headmaster Kushner makes all major decisions while Truant Trump tweets, pouts, preens and cheats at putt-putt golf.

Trump is coming out with a sequel to The Art of the Deal. His new book is The Art of the Squeal. Turns out he's not a master dealmaker, after all, just a whiny brat.

Only in America could a man whose staff took away his Twitter account be given the nuclear codes. ― Graydon Carter

Trump's border wall falls over from high winds in California, Mexico

Wanna hear a good joke? Trump's "wall." Okay, we all know it's not a wall but a rickety fence, so please stop laughing your fannies off and pay attention! In four years Trump has managed to put up a whopping four miles of new fencing that can easily be cut through with an inexpensive saw purchasable at Home Depot. Today part of a Trump-touted private border "wall" is threatening to collapse into the Rio Grande after the first strong storm in its area. The rain-permeable private fence was promoted by We Build the Wall, which raised more than $25 million after Trump failed to get Mexico to pay for even an inch of his inoperative non-wall. Trump immediately tried to distance himself from the shaky structure, saying, "It was only done to make me look bad." But Kris Kobach, a former Kansas Secretary of State who is now running for the U.S. Senate, said that Trump had "personally applauded We Build the Wall to me multiple times." The giant scam resulted in the arrest of former Trump bromancer Steve Bannon. The picture above is of another section of Trump's non-wall that collapsed after high winds.

On a more positive note, Mike Lindell, the CEO of MyPillow, has created a new chief executive pillow designed especially to relieve pressure on Trump's overloaded rump. The new MyThrillo pillow has enormous rubbery cushions modeled after Lindell's puckered lips. ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

There is more good news for Trump fans! Trump the Fragrance is back with exciting new male parfums such as Eau de Gilded Toilette and Eau de Larceny. And for rugged individualists who prefer to shower and bathe as infrequently as possible, there is Eau de Outhouse, Eau de Urinal and Eau de Roadkill Skunk. Alas, for women there remains only one choice, since Trump considers all women other than his daughter Ivanka to be beneath his dignity: Eau de Disgusting Animals.

OMG, Trump just became his own Deep Throat and confessed to Bob Woodward on tape! He shot himself in both feet, handed the Smoking Gun to the man who brought down Tricky Dick Nixon, and is now hobbling around on the bloody stumps.

The old saying “loose lips sink ships” comes to mind with Trump. He runs his mouth until it runs him aground. ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump plays into Putin's hands, like silly putty. ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump’s super-heated hot air has elevated him to unprecedented heights, and condemned us to unpresidented depths. — Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Well, it finally happened: Viral Donald, formerly the world's greatest COVID denier, became infected himself. The coronavirus doesn't affect 99% of Americans, according to Don the Con, so he is remarkably unlucky. And if it's just the "sniffles," why was Con Hair airlifted to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center and pumped full of exotic and experimental treatments? Is it possible than Conny Donny has been less than honest with us? “As of this afternoon the President remains fatigued but in good spirits,” White House physician Sean P. Conley announced in a memo. Sleepy Joe sends his condolences!

It's no surprise that Don the Con became infected, along with the sick-op-ants attached to his enormous a$$. It is surprising, however, that Melania contracted the coronavirus, since we know she's been social distancing from The Donald for years. My theory is that the hot air her hubby spews greatly increases his viral range.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Fellow Americans, the deaths of 200,000 citizens is no cause for concern! Trump assures us that he gets an A+ and has done a "phenomenal job." And he's always correct, being a "perfect person" with "no faults." Don the Con will now appoint a Supreme Court justice who will, in return, help appoint him dictator for life. When he no longer needs your votes, you will learn, too late, how little Trump values your life and those of your loved ones. Soon his face will adorn Mount Rushmore and the country will be renamed Trumplandia. As in North Korea, you Dear Leader's face will be plastered everywhere, reminding you that there is only one person of any importance. But why not welcome and embrace serfdom, Americans, since it's what you voted for?

Trump's approach to climate change is exactly the same as his approach to the coronavirus: both will magically vanish if we just close our eyes and wish hard enough. Here's Trump on our overheating planet: "It'll start getting cooler. You just watch ... I don't think science knows, actually." Well, no, actually it does.

Trump knows better than science, better than logic, better than common sense. How can we prevent forest fires? Rake forest "floors" and plant fewer explosive trees! Is Notre Dame cathedral on fire? Water-bomb it! What about those pesky hurricanes? Nuke 'em! Man-eating sharks? Deny them charity! Cancer-causing windmills? Tilt at 'em like Don Quixote on steroids! Problems with Puerto Rico? Swap it for Greenland! Too many dark-skinned immigrants? Import more Swedes and Norwegians! Is the coronavirus killing us? Inject lethal disinfectants and beat it to the punch! ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

As for the naked Trump troll-dolls and statutes, there are some things we don't want to see. Trump without clothes is at the top of my non-bucket list!

Baseball is out. The new national pastime is Trump & Co. shooting themselves in the feet, then hobbling around on the bloody stumps. ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Andy Borowitz, writing for The New Yorker, reports that Trump intends to sue the coronavirus. “This is a very nasty virus, and by that I mean it has been nasty to me personally,” Trump told reporters. “I never thought that there could be anything more terrible than Jim Acosta, but the coronavirus is like an invisible Jim Acosta!”

Deaducation Secretary Betsy DeVos is pushing for American schools to reopen even though adults have been unable to practice social distancing effectively. DeVos is obviously not smarter than fifth-graders who would rather stay home than die. ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump's former campaign manager Brad Parscale once called his reelection machine an "unstoppable juggernaut." But that has been reduced to an "unspottable jigger-nut" as the Grifter-in-Chief blew a $1.1 billion stash on (snigger) "expenses" such as lavish vacations, limo drivers, vanity ads and Trump family "reimbursements." The "unspottable jigger-nut" now faces an embarrassing cash crunch and has had to pull TV ads in critical swing states like Arizona. ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

When you see “Thighland” trending there are really only two options. An infomercial gone horribly wrong. Or the President of the United States. Come to think of it, aren’t those the same thing? ― Dan Rather

White House insiders are divided over Trump's reelection strategy. Kelly Anne Conway wants Trump to speak publicly more often. The rest want Trump to develop a functional heart and brain first. ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Recent polls reveal that two-thirds of American don't trust Trump to manage the coronavirus pandemic. In related news, the latest scientific research has confirmed the disturbing fact, long suspected, that a third of all Americans are deaf, blind and really, really dumb.

The good news is that Trump passed his cognitive acuity test. The bad news is that Trump doesn't have the cognitive acuity to understand that everyone without mental impairment "aces" the test.

How the smitey have fallen! Republicans who once stood like bulwarks against communism now bow and grovel before a man who prefers Russian intelligence to American intelligence and slobbers over Putin like a lapdog begging for treats. ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

According to John Bolton, the foreign policy of Dictator Fan Boy Trump consists primarily of flattering and sucking up to our enemies, giving them cheap gifts, begging them for election interference, and praising them for building concentration camps.

Trump has a new reelection game plan. He will fire Jarring Jared and Pensive Pence, marry Ivanka, and make her the First Lady-Daughter (V)ICE President. Ivanka will be in charge of both VICE and ICE, hence the revised job title. Don the Con will ride his daughter-wife-VP’s coattails to a second term! ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump is the Tulsa Trainwreck after his much-ballyhooed political rally produced a sea of empty blue seats.

"The best revenge is massive success." — Frank Sinatra
"See, I can sip a small glass of water one-handed, if I really, really try! I am the GREATEST!" — Donald Trump

Trump is the American Moses for his amazing ability to make a Red Sea of voters vanish. ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Before leaving for Tulsa, Trump had bragged, “We’re going to be in Oklahoma. And it’s a crowd like, I guess, nobody’s seen before!” Well, yes, it was very hard to see the crowd. Apparently most of them were disguised as blue seats.

Trump is the Super Spreader after eight of his campaign staff and two of his Secret Service detail tested positive at the Tulsa rally. Then Kimberly Guilfoyle, the girlfriend of Donald Trump Jr., Kevin Stitt, the governor of Oklahoma, and former Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain also tested positive. Cain later died of Covid. As a result the coronavirus has officially named Trump its BBF and Contagioner of the Month for his generous assistance in its nefarious cause.

Friends, Americans, countrymen ... there is no need to panic. A six-times-bankrupted real estate salesman who didn't know people die from the flu―even though his grandfather did―is now managing the coronavirus pandemic. In the past he's advocated nuking hurricanes, waterbombing Notre Dame Cathedral, raking forest "floors" to prevent wildfires, denying charity to sharks, and tilting at windmills. What could possibly go wrong? ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Generalissimo Trump fired tear gas, flash grenades and rubber bullets at peaceful protesters in order to clear a path for a photo-op in front a church that didn't want him, where he posed with a Bible from which he cannot quote a single verse and certainly has never attempted to live by, hoping to demonstrate "strength" to his base. Tie-Rant Trump understands American democracy and the Constitution no better than he understands his unread Bible. Once again we see the GOP enabling Trump to be Trump, with no regard for the Constitution, the rights of American citizens, or even common decency. As long as Trump remains our unprecedented president, the joke is on US.

In another "stunning" development, this one hard on the eyes, Lindsey Graham Cracker has died his hair blonde to match his master's. Apparently lapdogs do look like their owners. ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Personally, I’d rather spend an Arizona summer canvassing for Joe Biden in a wetsuit made of beached squids and mayonnaise than work a single day for Donald Trump. — Aldous J. Pennyfarthing

More than 40 million Americans have filed for unemployment over the last 10 weeks. More than 100,000 lie dead in their graves. What does Trump do? He retweets a user who says the image of Joe Biden wearing a black mask "endorses culture of silence, slavery, and social death." Later, Trump wears a mask himself, so call him the Lone Deranger. But first Generalissimo Trump storms from the White House and actually creates a culture of silence, slavery and social death by viciously attacking peaceful protesters, ignoring their constitutional rights to assemble, speak freely and dissent. ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

In his latest act of sheer imbecilic insanity, Trump wants to divert coronavirus relief funds to paint his nonfunctional wall black, at a staggering cost, on the theory that it will be too hot to touch. Apparently Trump has never heard of an obscure thing called "night." ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump's maskless rioters apparently believe in herd impunity. ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump has the perfect plan to put an end to the coronavirus forever: We can all inject ourselves with lethal disinfectants, wipe ourselves out, and leave it with nothing to prey on! ― Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump Coronavirus Nicknames:

The Clorox Heterodox ("To end all gridlocks, swig lots of Clorox!")
The Clorox Warlock ("To reclaim the Boondocks, let them eat Clorox!")
The Clorox Fox ("Outfox the pox: kill yourself first with Clorox!")
Down the Drain-o with Old NoBrain-o
The Peach with the Bleach (and a brain out of reach)
Batshit Crazy (Piers Morgan)

Piers Morgan, a former Trump friend and supporter, was unfollowed by Trump after Morgan called his brainstorm to inject coronavirus patients with lethal disinfectants "batshit crazy." However, it seems unfair to bats to compare their innocent feces to Trump. At least bat guano serves a purpose: waste removal.

Our president is a Hydroxymoron. — JIMMY KIMMEL

You have to hand it to Trump — just when you think he can’t get any crazier, he starts popping FDA-disapproved drugs and telling everyone else to try it, too. — JIMMY KIMMEL

When told the drug is for treating malaria, Trump said, "If it's good enough for the first lady, it's good enough for me!" — JIMMY FALLON

After Trump made the announcement, a lot of experts told him what he was doing is dangerous. Then Trump was like, "Relax, if anything goes wrong, I can just drink bleach and clean it all out. I'm good!" — JIMMY FALLON 

I feel so bad for this guy's Secret Service, because you have to admit they have had more on their plate with Trump than with any other president ever before. Can you imagine a day in the Secret Service's life? "Keeping my eyes peeled, making sure there's no threats. Everything looks clear. We're all good ... Mr. President, what did you just eat? What is that in your mouth? Mr. President, what's in YOUR MOUTH?" — TREVOR NOAH

I looked up the side effects of this miracle drug Trump is now taking. They include: severe mood or mental changes. Check. Feeling that others can hear your thoughts. Check. Feeling, seeing or hearing things that are not there. Check. Large, hivelike swelling on the face, eyelids, lips, tongue, throat, hands, legs, feet, and sex organs. Let's say check. — JIMMY KIMMEL

And the side effects can potentially include agitation, insomnia, confusion, mania, hallucinations, paranoia, as well as lasting psychiatric and neurological symptoms, so either Trump's lying about taking it, or he's been taking it for 73 years. — SETH MEYERS

Last night, Neil Cavuto of Fox News had the temerity to warn his viewers that this miracle drug is not recommended. Trump saw that and wrote, "@FoxNews is no longer the same. We miss the great Roger Ailes. You have more anti-Trump people, by far, than ever before. Looking for a new outlet!" The "great" Roger Ailes, by the way, is a man who was accused of sexually harassing at least 20 women who work for him before being forced out of Fox News and dropping dead. — JIMMY KIMMEL

A new outlet where? No outlet praises you more. That’s like Meryl Streep complaining about how the Oscars treat her. — SETH MEYERS

Ah, yes, the "great" Roger Ailes, the famous creep who oversaw a culture of paranoia and sexual harassment at Fox News that led to him getting fired by a liberal snowflake ... let's see ... Rupert Murdoch. — SETH MEYERS

I cannot stress this enough: Fox anchors have to back up everything Trump says or else! I mean, they’ve already replaced Brian Kilmeade with a human-sized bleach jug. Hard to tell the difference. — STEPHEN COLBERT

Fact really is stranger than fiction. Much stranger. The self-avowed Stable Genius threatened to sue his campaign manager "Sliding Scale" Brad Parscale after his polls plummeted when Trump touted the advantages of using lethal disinfectants internally.

It's time to put the stable genius out to pasture.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

OMG, Ludicrous Lou Dobbs said Trump is "arguably the greatest president in our history" as the coronavirus death toll eclipsed 100,000!

As ex-President Barack Obama told graduates during a virtual commencement address: "This pandemic has fully, finally torn back the curtain on the idea that so many folks in charge know what they're doing." Behind the curtain we find the Blunderful Wizard of Ahs mumbling nonsense into his megaphone (or in this case, the cell phone he uses to tweet his absurdities).

Not-So-Heroic Couplets
by Donald Trump
care of Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

To outfox the pox:
kill yourself first, with Clorox!

And since death is the goal,
mainline Lysol!

No vaccine?
Just chug Mr. Clean!

Is a cure out of reach?
Fumigate your lungs, with bleach!

Now, quick, down the Drain-o
with old Insane-o NoBrain-o!

Apparently there is a God and he's the supreme ironist: Donald Trump is being taken out by a Chinese flu named after a Mexican beer!

Experts recommend disinfecting TV after Trump has been on. This won't eliminate all traces of Trump, but it can’t hurt.―Andy Borowitz

It's not true that Trump tested negative for coronavirus; what he got negative numbers on was an IQ test.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

President Trump has responded to the coronavirus outbreak by (among other things) promising it would go away by itself, playing golf, blaming China, blaming the media, blaming Democrats, lying about it, attempting to bribe Germany’s vaccine industry and saying he’s responding to it perfectly.―USA Today

It turns out that in a time of crisis a conman is not up to the task.―Rolling Stone

Trump knows what is really important: his ratings. Trump tweeted: "The Wall Street Journal always 'forgets' to mention that the ratings for the White House Press Briefings are 'through the roof'" on a day when 799 people died in New York alone.

Trump is a garbage dump trying to persuade us he's a tropical paradise.

If you think Trump is "good with money" you may want to check out these jokes: the fraudulent Trump "university," the fraudulent Trump "charity," Trump Taj Mahal, Trump Castle, Trump Plaza Atlantic City, Trump Plaza New York, Trump Hotels and Casino Resorts, Trump Entertainment Resorts, Trump Tower Tampa, Trump Shuttle, Trump: The Game, Trump Magazine, Trump Mortgage, Trump Steaks, Trump Vodka, Trump mattresses, Trump pillows, Trump perfume, Trump shirts, Trump underwear, Trump shoes, Trump eyeglasses, and the U.S. Treasury

Eric Trump continues to insist that the coronavirus pandemic is a political hoax: "They will milk it every single day between now and November 3rd and, guess what, after November 3rd, coronavirus will magically all of a sudden go away and disappear and everybody will be able to reopen!" Yeah, right, Brainiac 666. You've got it all figured out! At the time Brain Drain Eric said this, the US had 1.51 million confirmed coronavirus cases, with over 89,000 confirmed coronavirus deaths, and many more unconfirmed due to chronic shortages of tests. There were more than 36 million unemployed Americans, a figure that threatens the nation and the world with another Great Depression. There is no "hoax" except your family "leading" our country at such a perilous time.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump says testing is "overrated" and claims that "If we didn't do any testing, we would have very few cases." The experts say testing is an absolute necessity, if we want to reopen closed states safely. But higher case and death counts are bad for The Gaud Father's reelection chances. Apparently, the Teflon Don would rather have Americans die in vast numbers rather than know the truth, if the truth hurts his campaign. Whatever happened to JFK's "Ask not what your country can do for you?" According to Trump, all that matters is what the country can do for him, including citizens dying quietly in record numbers so that he can remain its Kingpin.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Fact-Free Kayleigh McEnany, the new White House Press Secretary, has a very checkered history with the truth. Before capitulating to the dark side, she had called Trump's rhetoric "racist," "hateful" and "derogatory." After becoming a Trump lapdog and yes-woo-man, McInane-y obsequiously predicted that, thanks to Trump, "we will not see diseases like the coronavirus come here." More recently McIninny responded to criticism of her boss by saying, "President Trump’s coronavirus response has been unprecedented and saved American lives." Miss Misinformation misspelled "unpresidented" since the American Pilate has washed his hands of any responsibility for American deaths on his watch.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Erin Perrine, better known to the American public as Erin Urine, said there would be "no daylight" between Trump campaign's official position and his personal messaging. In other words, everyone in Trump's camp kampf will continue to lie like dogs, including Miss Piss herself. Lyin' Erin refuses to take the truth lying down and will always defend Don the Con's fabrications and prevarications!

Trump claims to be The Natural. “Maybe I have a natural ability,” Trump told reporters at a press briefing in early March, alluding to his “super genius” uncle, the late MIT engineer John G. Trump. “Maybe I should have done that instead of running for president!” The Snatchural then waddled off to do what he does best: grab unsuspecting women by the genitals.

I accept no responsibility!
The buck stops with everybody
but me! WHEEEeeeeeeeee!
―Donald J. Trump

Is anyone tired of "winning" with Trump, other than the coronavirus?―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

The Trump administration response is such a spectacular failure that it would have to improve tenfold to even be called a fiasco.―Daily Kos

According to a recent poll, only 42 percent of voters said the word "competent" describes Trump's reaction to the coronavirus. In related news, another poll reveals that 42 percent of voters don't understand the definition of "competent."―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Mar-a-Lago is now officially a "gilded petri dish for a global disease."―Politco

After coming in contact with Viral Donald, senators Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham, Rick Scott and Matt Gaetz have wisely announced plans to self-quarantine.

Trump has Americans playing a deadly game of Follow the Pleader.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Big Rocket Man: No one had ever thought of rockets before Trump. He knew about rockets before anyone else. And he knows more about rockets than rocket scientists, who are amazed at how much he knows. It must be a natural gift! Rockets are amazing and beautiful, even when they kill people (which is nothing to worry about, because more people die from the flu). Trump will claim all the credit for everyone saved by rockets, theoretically, while accepting absolutely no responsibility for anyone who actually dies if he fails to protect the nation from incoming missiles, because that's what a Great Leader like Trump does.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Q: Why doesn't Trump have to worry about the Coronavirus, personally?
A: Professional courtesy, one Virus to another.

The bad news keeps getting worse. It turns out the coronavirus is spread by asskissing and brownnosing. The good news is that the entire GOP has been quarantined for your protection.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Q: What do you call it when President Trump contracts the coronavirus after insisting it was "fake news" and a "Democratic hoax"?
A: Moronavirus
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump is the Moron-a-virus infecting the White House. The Donald, who claims he's "smarter" than scientists and medical experts, has called the coronavirus "fake news" and a "Democratic hoax" but is spending a trillion dollars in a belated attempt to defeat it! That is some super-expensive stupidity, or was he lying through his A$$?

Trump and the GOP have gone from Serial Shillers to Serial Killers with their lethal lies about the coronavirus pandemic.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Vultures of a feather, flocking together? Republican senators Richard Burr and Kelly Loeffler sat together during the Senate impeachment trial. After being briefed by medical experts on the very real dangers of the coronavirus, they pooh-poohed the risk to the public while selling millions of dollars worth of stocks. They presumably laughed all the way to the bank with the money they saved, but how many lives could have been saved if they had told the public the truth?―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Senator Ron Johnson (R-WI) has words of comfort for Americans. Johnson very helpfully pointed out that that "no more than 3.4 percent of our population" is in danger of dying from the coronavirus. Armed with this data, Johnson wants Americans to put things in the proper "perspective." With a population of 331 million, this means we face "only" 11.25 million deaths. We only have to worry about 3 to 4 people out of every hundred we know dying, on average. And if others end up on ventilators or otherwise incapacitated, well some of us will still be able to breathe on our own. So toughen up, Americans, and get some "perspective" like Ron Johnson!

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.―FDR
Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.―JFK
The buck stops here.―HST
I don't take responsibility at all.―DJT

Trump makes the Teapot Dome seem like a pimple.―Brian Williams

HEADLINE: Greenland gives Trump the cold shoulder, refuses to warm up to a Trump takeover!

Signs of the British Resistance ... Diaper Don receives a proper British welcome ...

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Image result for trump british resistance

These are our favorite Signs of the British Resistance from Trump's recent visit:

God save the Queen from the Fascist Tangerine.
All in all, you're just another prick with no wall.
So much wrong, so little cardboard.
Please Queen, don't offer him the good biscuits.
No more tea for Trump.
We're British. We're Polite. But fuck off (please). 
I'd rather bleed from my "whatever" than pull policies out my arse.
Orange is the new stupid.
Not today, Satan!
Trump, sashay away!
Sod off, Trump!
Free bags of fish guts to throw at Trump!
Feed him to the corgis!

Trump State of the Union (or Disunion) Address

For any other president, this hearing would be the most humiliating and damning day of their lives; for Trump it's just Wednesday.—SNL's Kenan Thompson

In the joke above, Keenan Thompson was portraying Elijah Cummings as he presided over Michael Cohen's public hearing before the House Oversight Committee. The joke makes a very good point: What would Republicans have done if Barack Obama had been accused of one-tenth the things Trump has been accused of? Obviously, they would have been screaming for impeachment.

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Nancy Pelosi's "seal" of disapproval was the highlight of Trump's lie-filled, self-glorifying State of the Union Address. The Pelosi clap-back came in a meme-able moment after Trump whined about "the politics of revenge" even as he wallowed in it. Pelosi was immediately crowned the "Queen of Condescending Applause" for her jeer clap. Patton Oswalt congratulated her for inventing an obscenity without resorting to a certain finger.

Trump's State of the Disunion speech was a prime grime event. Sadly, it was missing some of its major stars. Still, "everybody who was anybody who was not indicted was there,” as Stephen Colbert observed.

The Joke's on US

The joke's on US (the United States) if we ever believed Trump was going to build an "impenetrable" wall that Mexico would pay for. Here's proof positive ...

... I call it the Trump Drug Teller Window Wall. Now anyone who wants to sell drugs at the border can grab a cheap saw, hack out an easy access window, and be immediately open for business! Or the packages can simply be slipped through the gaps between the slats, along with money and weapons. Anyone who thinks this Waffle Wall is going to stop people from buying or selling drugs has serious gullibility issues. Trump's steel slat fence can easily be sliced and diced with an inexpensive saw purchased at Home Depot. Like his fraudulent "charity" and his fraudulent "university," Trump's wall is a fraud, whatever the hell he calls it.

But there is some good news. Trump has finally found a truly impenetrable wall. Her name is Nancy Pelosi.

The Best Donald Trump Joke of All Time is True!

Donald Trump has a much bigger problem than Robert Mueller or James Mattis or even Mr. Putin, because this time he's pissed off people with real power! And witches do not want to be associated with The Donald! “To have him compare his situation to the worst period in our history is just infuriating,” Kitty Randall told the Daily Beast, referring to Trump's claim that he's the victim of witch hunts. Some witches — including a coven in Brooklyn — have taken to casting spells on the commander-in-chief. But most sorcerers are still biding their time, according to Randall.

Currently Rising and Trending

The day Trump allowed the Nunes memo to be published, the stock market crashed 666 points. The federal budget deficit for Trump's first fiscal year was 666 billion dollars. The founder of the Trump family business died on 6-6-6. The Trump family controls 666 Fifth Avenue, a street symbolic of money (Mammon). Trump was born on a blood moon. And that's just the tip of the Antichrist iceberg! (For more eerie connections, please click Trump 666)

Evangelicals love Trump. Sure he's a liar, but he's their liar. Sure he's a sexual predator, but he's their sexual predator. Sure he's the opposite of Jesus Christ in every imaginable way, but he's their Antichrist.

Donald Trump has "many stats." But the only ones he believes are Putin's.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Mark Krikorian, executive director of the Center for Immigration Studies, said the DHS firings were "The Apprentice: Washington, D.C., Edition."

Barr that bromance! GOP senators are promising that Attorney General nominee William Barr won't touch Robert Mueller's probe!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Republican Senator John Kennedy minced no words about Trump's pitiful deal-making: “Our Middle East policy right now looks like something my dog’s been keeping under our back porch. Nobody knows what it is, but it’s ugly.”

Cindy Li Yang, the Florida massage parlor entrepreneur who founded a chain of spas that includes the one where New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft was recently arrested for soliciting prostitution, is now advertising easy access to President Donald Trump for Chinese business executives. Madame Butterup, a Trump campaign donor, also offers close coordination with "senior" Chinese leaders.

Sarah "Suckmypee" Sanders explains away Trump's "executive time" as his need for a "more creative environment." All those golf vacations are like a kindergartner's recess! Watching TV for hours on end is like Sesame Street! Shutting down the government for a month is like time out!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

The picture above―the earliest known image of The Donald―is evidence that he was suckled in Emperor Palpatine’s romper room.

Is Trump smarter than a fifth-grader? Here are the top ten reasons to suspect not ...

(10) covfefe
(9) hamberers
(8) Trump complained bitterly about a nonexistent "tapp" on his phones. Placed there, no doubt, by dastardly tapp dancers!
(7) "I accomplished the military." Or how about the fact that, thanks to Trump, we now have "very little ISIS." Trump's command of the English language is big, beautiful, powerful, incredible, amazing, strong, great, the best, tremendous, terrific, unbelievable, classy, smart, tough, brilliant, fabulous, fantastic, so good! And he never exaggerates, believe me!
(6) At the National Prayer Breakfast, Trump said people of faith had led the "abolition of civil rights."
(5) Trump tweeted that Ted Cruz would "loose" big to Hillary Clinton. In a single tweet he confused "there" with "their" and "to" with "too."
(4) Trump tweeted that he is "honered" to serve the American people. So far he has served them a government shutdown, upwards of 8,000 lies, healthy doses of collusion, and lots of taxpayer-financed presidential golf excursions.
(3) Trump misspelled "hereby" twice: first typing "hear by" then "correcting" himself with "hearby." That's a lot of "hears" from someone who refuses to listen!
(2) Trump tweeted that the country needed to "heel" its divisions. Which he is doing with his racist dog whistling!
(1) Trump promised to "promote the possibility of lasting peach" between Israelis and Palestinians. Which he is doing, by always making the Israeli side seem peachy-keen. For instance, when Ivanka posed for photo-ops outside the new Jerusalem embassy while Israeli snipers were gunning down Palestinian protesters.

The House Intelligence Committee is reportedly launching an "M.R.I." of the president’s Russian financing. It may be more like a colonoscopy.―Vanity Fair

"If Trump were on the box [lie detector] at Quantico, he would break the machine."—Andrew McCabe, former Acting Director of the FBI

"If Trump is going to have any chance of winning in 2020, Russian hackers are going to have to work overtime."—Senator Eric Swalwell

"The only truly big thing Trump has built is the record national budget deficit."—Lawrence O'Donnell

After Trump bought every "hamberder" in sight and the Clemson football team quickly scarfed them down, Burger King regretfully informed fans of the new fast food fad that "Due to a large order placed yesterday, we're all out of hamberders, just serving hamburgers today." If you're lucky enough to find a #hamberder please be sure to wash it down with a nice #malk or, better yet, #covfefe. Or you can roll your own with some #Hamberder Helper (c).

Trump later announced that he was going to make Taco Bell pay for the hamberders.

Fact checkers quickly crunched the numbers and determined that 700 of the reported 1,000 hamberders were unaccounted for. Theories ranged from Trump not being smarter than a fifth-grader to his having eaten 700 hamberders on the way back from the local Berder King. Liberals are understandably concerned that this is new Putin plot to destroy the American way of life. According to the failing New York Times, Robert Mueller is launching a new probe and indictments are expected in "short order."―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" 

Thanks to Mitch Muck-Con-Hell, federal workers and subcontractors were forced to eat pork-n-beans rather than hamberders for more than a month.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" 

Trump is essentially one giant urine collection away from being Howard Hughes.―Aldous J Pennyfarthing

"HEAD"-LINE: After Pittsburgh synagogue massacre, Calamity Mane anguishes about having "a bad hair day" then consoles "At least you know it's mine!"

"HEAD"-LINE: Trump has another bad hair day, flees Paris Peace Forum, meets in private with Mr. Putin to plot Armageddon.

"HEAD"-LINE: Trump worrying about rain messing up his hair is like the Elephant Man worrying sugar might give him zits.

"HEAD"-LINE: Zombies invade White House, find nothing to eat.

"HEAD"-LINE: Trump worried about Pecker leaking.

Inspiring reminder: In America anyone can grow up to become Individual-1.―Preet Bharara

Individual-one is in deep number two.―@JeffFromNH

Oh, how the mighty stupid have fallen!―Daily Kos

Oh Hell, Make it the Top Twenty-Five Donald Trump Jokes

Mr. Trump, you've ruined more models' lives than bulimia. You've disappointed more women than Sex and the City 2.―Lisa Lampanelli, anticipating Women's Marches to come

Trump says he wants to run for president and move into the White House. Why not? It wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home.―Snoop Dogg

You know what I love? A famous guy that will take me furniture shopping and just straight up grab my p***y.—Amy Schumer

Is it possible that we've all been groped by Donald J. Trump, but just didn't feel it because of his tiny baby hands?—Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump: a man with all the charm of a turd that won't flush.―Russell Howard

Say what you will about Trump, he's not stupid. He is a smart man with a deep understanding of what stupid people want.―Andy Borowitz of The New Yorker

Donald Trump told supporters he'd like to punch protesters in the face. Though he looks more like the kind of guy who would stroke a white cat while somebody else punched you in the face.—Seth Meyers

I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected.—Jon Stewart

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.—Albert Einstein, explaining why he couldn't hold a candle to Trump in the "idea" department

Trump has a better relationship with Tiffany than he does to facts.—Trevor Noah

Obviously, Trump didn't invent racism. If he had, it would have gone bankrupt years ago.—Samantha Bee

Only in America could a man whose staff took away his Twitter account be given the nuclear codes.―Graydon Carter

Trump is taking us from unprecedented to unpresidented.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Donald Trump is the gift that keeps on giving ... women the creeps.―Seth Meyers

Donald Trump is America's back mole. It may have seemed harmless a year ago, but now that it's become frighteningly bigger, it's no longer wise to ignore it.―John Oliver

Donald Trump said that he's not going to the Fox News debate, because moderator Megyn Kelly is biased against him. And Trump has a right to be scared, because usually when a younger, attractive woman disagrees with him, she ends up taking half his stuff.―Jimmy Fallon

A Donald Trump rally was delayed for nearly two hours yesterday due to fog. At one point the fog was so thick, Trump supporters couldn't even see who they were punching!―Conan O’Brien

Today Trump said he believes in torturing prisoners. Which is bad news for Melania.―Jimmy Kimmel

Trump has only two options for illegal immigrants: "Get out!" or "Marry me!"―Jimmy Kimmel

Trump is like the guy who'll say anything to get laid, only this time he's trying to fuck the country.―Mark Cuban

Being on reality TV is the closest Trump ever got to reality. His children look like a teen movie about Wall Street vampires directed by Uday Hussein.―Frankie Boyle 

C'm'on lefties! Admit that Trump has been very tough on China! He has been especially tough on Chinese kids who slave away in sweatboxes, making his menswear! He has also been incredibly tough on Hispanic and Muslim kids!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Fox has their head so far up Trump's ass they bumped into Chris Christie.—Larry Wilmore

Wow. Trump's an asshole, but he's honest. Yeah. He's honestly an asshole.―Trevor Noah

Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. But experts say that if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property.—Conan O'Brien

Nasty women are on the march, everywhere. Poor Tweety! It must be wike wooking awound to weawize he's suwwounded by wegions of dwastardly Swylvesters!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Golden Oldies but Goodies

Donald Trump's cheating at golf is par for the course.

Q: How many comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Hey, no fair, that's a trick question! There are no comedians with free hands because they're all holding their mikes, mocking Trump!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Donald who?
Donald, duck!
(Nuclear explosions in the background.)

Corny, but True

Q: Where does Trump shop?
A: At Wall Mart.

Q: How does Trump pay?
A: With his Wall-et. 

Q: How does Trump deliver the goods?
A: He doesn't.

Q: What is Trump's favorite song?
A: "I Am the Wall-rus-sian"

A Harvey Wallbanger combines an orange-hued Screwdriver with an Italian liqueur, Galliano. 
A Hardly Wallbanger combines an orange-hued Screwloose driver with an Italian asslicker, Giuliani.
—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" 

Swimming Upstream: More Current Events

More Trump State of the Union jokes ...

Stephen Colbert said the SotU speech "was like watching paint lie."

Trump's speech was longer than his tie, which was as red, skewed and off-kilter as his xenophobic politics.

"Trump's speech was so long, Robert Mueller handed him another five indictments," Jimmy Kimmel joked. "He spoke for longer than he was married to Marla Maples." Even worse, "The speech went on for 83 minutes and Trump spoke with all the elegance of a book report written by a third grader on the bus."

Trevor Noah observed that "an immigrant got the first standing ovation of the night." That was Melania Trump, the chain migrator. But her parents are sufficiently pale not to alarm white nationalists.

Trump bragged about the "hot" economy, prompting Stephen Colbert to slip into his Trump voice: "It's so hot, if it wasn't my economy, perhaps I'd be dating it."

Seth Meyers did credit Trump for the economic boom: "You've created thousands of jobs for lawyers!"

Nancy Pelosi just announced that the Trump "State of the Disunion Address" will be delivered from the closet where Mitch McConnell hides to avoid Senate votes.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Nancy Pelosi observed that Trump's wall is "like a manhood thing for him." Was she implying that Trump's sex organ is smaller than advertised, or was she outing him as a broke dick?

This is a brief instructional guide for Trump on how to go after Nancy Pelosi:

1. DON'T

After the public spanking Trump took from Nancy Pelosi, his next book will be titled The Art of the Kneel, the Squeal and the Plaintive Appeal.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

As reported by Rachel Maddow, people donating money to the Trump campaign to "build the wall" are actually paying to build a wall of very expensive lawyers for Jared Kushner.

The border wall is "a Trump emergency, not a national emergency."—Neal Katyal, perhaps America's foremost legal expert on the subject of presidential emergency powers

As is his wont, while announcing his "national emergency" Trump completely undermined his own position, saying: "I didn't need to do this, but I'd rather do it faster. I want to get it done faster, that's all." Not needing to do something quickly is the opposite of an "emergency." Neal Katyal quipped: "That quote is going right in the lawsuit." Then, to further prove that there was no "emergency," Trump quickly jetted off to Mar-a-Lago for yet another golf vacation.

Just when you think Trump can't sink any lower, he does. He actually called it "phony" to walk a dog! But at least he's an equal opportunity animal hater: Trump is the first president not to have pets of any kind. And dogs have the good sense not to like him. Trump's first wife, Ivana, said that her poodle Chappy had an "equal dislike" for Trump and would bark at him when he got too close.

Oh, what tangled webs they weave
when Trump and his toupée seek to deceive!
―Michael R. Burch

Trump turned down General James Mattis's offer to remain as Secretary of Defense long enough to ensure a smooth transition by summarily firing him. Trump then tweeted that he was "fixing" the American military. Apparently he meant "fixing" as in emasculating and neutering.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump identified himself as the Shutdown Table-Setter, explaining: "By having the shutdown, we've set the table beautifully! If I didn't do the shutdown, people wouldn't know anything about the subject. Now they understand the subject." Trump sounds like a hostage-taker making damn sure a family understands that if they don't fork over YUGE sums of money, they'll never see their kids again. Trump has upped the ante by holding millions of federal workers, subcontractors and immigrants hostage. However, professionals don't try to convince their victims that what they're doing is "beautiful."―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

How the mighty have fallen! Trump, Fox News and the GOP are now claiming that 55 miles of porous fencing is somehow "finishing the wall." Ann Coulter called it the "Yellow New Deal," Laura Ingraham called it "stall funding" and Sean Hannity called it a "garbage compromise."

Sometimes there seems to be no way to oppose Trump with humor. For instance, when his administration admits that thousands of children have been ripped from their mothers' breasts, that the separations continue to occur, and that it is too much of a "burden" to even try to correct the problem.

Where does Donald Trump go during a national emergency? Evidently, he heads straight to the omelet bar of his Mar-a-Lago golf club!

Trump had a real sweetheart of a deal for Americans on Valentine's Day ... replacement of the Constitution with an Imperial Monarchy!

The American founding fathers risked everything, including their lives, to escape the clutches of King George. Now, thanks to spineless Republican senators and congressmen, we are in the imperialist clutches of King Gorge.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Samantha Bee pointed out that the three-week shutdown truce was no bed of roses: "This Valentine's Day, Trump is going to screw every American all at once!" She proved to be prophetic.

Trump Valentines:

If you're tall, blonde and pretty,
I'll grab your kitty.
If you're dark-skinned and short,
It's time to deport.

I'll secure your southern border tonight,
as long as you're wearing white!

If you're not
as hot
as my daughter,
for the border slaughter!

American women are Stuporman's kryptonite.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Donald Trump admitted that he's not a rich man when he said, "This is a very small amount of money we are asking for." But the border wall would cost many times Trump's real net worth, so he must be a pauper. If he were really as rich as he claims, Trump could pay for the wall himself, since he didn't deliver on his daily campaign vows to force Mexico to fund it.

Trump is apparently considering the declaration of a second "national emergency" because SNL has been poking fun at him! This is the "real collusion" according to a Trump tweet in which he called for "retribution." Shades of 1969, when Richard Nixon persuaded CBS to cancel The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour for poking fun at him.

In his latest Pocahontas tweet, Trump made a twisted joke out of the Trail of Tears. For an encore, he will use Holocaust humor in tweets about Barry Sanders and Chuck Schumer.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

State of the Union (or Disunion) Jokes

What does Nancy Pelosi think of the president, really? Word leaked out that she called the wall debate "a manhood thing" for Trump, likening their meeting to "a tinkle contest with a skunk" and explaining "I was just trying to be the mom."

Fact-checkers were able to verify only one Trump assertion: He can indeed take partial credit for so many women getting elected to Congress!

Many women wore suffragette white to the speech, "so the Democratic side was a sea of white — and the Republican side was also a sea of white [men]." 

But it was not all a bed of roses. "Trump hates AIDS," said Kimmel. "That's why he fires one every two weeks."

Kimmel also decoded Trump's thinly-veiled threat to "go Nixon" on investigators:

If you want a president with orange color,
you must get rid of Robert Mueller!

Trump's watershed moment became his watershed paddling, thanks to Nancy Pelosi, when a wall-less spending bill was passed by veto-proof margins in the Senate and House.

If Putin wanted to concoct the ideal candidate to serve his purposes, his laboratory creation would look like Donald Trump.—Franklin Foer

If Trump isn't actually a Russian agent, he's doing a pretty good imitation of one.—Max Boot

For Trump, all roads lead to Russia.—Jackie Speier

One pro-Kremlin blogger summed up his government’s interest in the 2016 American presidential election with clarifying bluntness: “Trump will smash America as we know it, we’ve got nothing to lose.”

This mini timeline reveals Rudy Giuliani's evolution as one of America's greatest legal thinkers:

There was absolutely no collusion! None, in any way, shape for form! End this preposterous witch hunt!
Okay, there was maybe ... probably some collusion, but my client, like Sgt. Schultz, knows nothing!
Sure, we tried our best to collude, but we were really, really bad at it!
Of course there was YUGE collusion, but collusion is not a crime! In fact, there is no such thing as crime!
Heil Hair Hitler!
Boss, it's not really a jail, it's ... er ... um .... a gated community!

Rudy Ghouliani: "If you believe Cohen, I can get you a great deal on the Brooklyn Bridge!"
Robert Mueller: "If you believe Trump, I can get you a great deal on a Trump University diploma, a Trump charity donation, and a wall Mexico will pay for!"

Rudy Giuliani is the 73-year-old poster child for Trump Derangement Syndrome. First he listened to tapes. Then there were no tapes. Then there were tapes again. Giuliani voluntarily confesses to every possible version of every possible crime, leaving no stone unturned. He is to confession as a nymphomaniac is to sex. Giuliani has already written the epitaph that will adorn his tombstone: "He lied for Trump." But he has an impossible job, because according to Politico his boss is "apoplectic" and "enraged" because Giuliani quoted Trump's admission that the Moscow Tower discussions had continued until election day. Giuliani has the world's most difficult job: making Trump not seem like the treasonous lying sleazeball shyster that we all know he is.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

The Trump administration is like a Mafia family, except that no one has the sense to maintain a code of silence. The family's Don is the world's biggest loudmouth, blurting out an average of 100 lies per day, for everyone on the planet to hear. The family's lawyer confesses multiple versions of every possible crime and changes his story every 15 seconds. The family's spokesperson makes everyone's skin crawl. The sons are dolts and the favored daughter married badly. The wise guys are all wearing wires and the feds are taping every conversation. Stay tuned for the riveting conclusion of The Gaud Father.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

After his retirement as Trump's chief of staff, General John F. Kelly was asked what he thought about Trump being "proud" to shut down the federal government over his wall. “To be honest, it’s not a wall,” Kelly replied.

"Show Me the Pesos!!!" — Steve Schmidt, channeling Jerry Maguire

First Trump promised us a towering concrete wall that Mexico would pay for in pesos, so that cost was no object. Then it was a see-through fence with steel slats that the military would pay for. Next it was a bit of artistic latticework that the Democrats should pay for. Finally, it was "a gentle garden trellis" according to Ann Coulter. During his Oval Office speech, Trump said the wall will pay for the wall. Now, since his own party doesn't believe anything he says, it's a "border barrier" bead curtain that no one is willing to pay for. Tomorrow it will be an insubstantial vanishing mist that Trump will no doubt equate with the parting of the Red Sea.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump is in full meltdown mode. The only wall that's real is the one that's closing in on him.―Hawaii Senator Mazie Hirono

Rachel Maddow has given examples of what she calls Trump's "magical nonsense":

Mexico will pay for the wall!
The wall has already been built!
We have to shut down the government for years to pay for the wall that has already been built and which Mexico is paying for!

Even though Trump confiscated his interpreter's notes, Putin knows what Trump said ... it's like "blackmail in a bottle."—Rachel Maddow

Putin now has an American president who does back flips on command.—Rachel Maddow

Nobel laureate economist Paul Krugman observed in a op-ed piece for The New York Times that the Trump White House has "nobody left besides those with no reputation to lose." Is that why the Trump administration is going for broke, literally, with the Trump Shutdown?

Joe Cirincione, a nuclear weapons policy expert, said Trump helped fill out Putin's bucket list when he withdrew the U.S. from Ronald Reagan's landmark Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces (INF) treaty.

Want proof that God has a sense of irony? When Trump bragged that he had personally created 15,000 manufacturing jobs in Wisconsin, the name of the Chinese manufacturer was FoxConn. (FOX+CON, how appropriate!) The company has installed nets outside its Chinese factories to prevent employees from jumping to their deaths because working conditions are so dismal. Quotations by Foxconn's CEO, Terry Gou, adorn the walls: "Growth, thy name is suffering!" and "Achieve goals or the sun will no longer shine!" Perhaps American workers are lucky the jobs were just a $3 billion scam.

Rachel Maddow connected the dots and figured out that Trump has been citing scenes from the fictional movie Sicario: Day of the Soldado. The flick features bad guys roaring across the border in "unbelievable" vehicles. They duct-tape women’s mouths shut. In one scene, prayer rugs are found near the border. These are claims Trump has been making recently. No surprise, really. This is what Americans get when they elect a Celebrity Apprentice President. 

According to SNL's Colin Jost, the Donald's solution to the Trump Shutdown is a hostage negotiation with millions of human bargaining chips: "Give me $5.7 billion or it's bye-bye Dreamers!"

However, Acting President Ann Coulter was not impressed with Trump's shutdown math. She tweeted: "100 miles of border wall in exchange for amnestying millions of illegals. So if we grant citizenship to a BILLION foreigners, maybe we can finally get a full border wall."

When Trump caved on his border wall, Acting President Coulter called him the Biggest Wimp in the history of the presidency and demanded veto power over him in an interview with Bill Maher: “I promise you the country would be run much better if I had a veto over what Donald Trump is doing. It’s crazy that I expect a president to keep the promise he made every day for 18 months.” 

Acting President Coulter is not a fan of Trump's reading skills or his understanding of American government. She said: "Someone has got to read the Constitution to him" when she was asked if she thought Trump would declare a national emergency on the southern border.

Impressed with her verbal fireworks, the Americans for Legal Immigration PAC immediately announced its plan to draft Coulter to run for president in 2020. “It’s an honor to be asked by such a patriotic and important organization," Coulter responded. "They are obviously correct that I would make a tremendous president. But unfortunately, I’m against women working!" However, she's apparently not opposed to women bitching.

Professional wrestler Chris Jericho gave Nancy Pelosi a perfect ten after she applied the "Walls of Jericho" to Donald Trump. That stunning move resulted in what will now forever be known as Trump's Concession Stand.

In a rare flash of honesty, Trump described his presidency as "one of the greatest losers of all time" while speaking on the record with The New York Times. During the interview Little Boy Blue begged Times publisher A.G. Sulzberger for more favorable coverage, pleading: "I'm sort of entitled to a great story from my — just one — from my newspaper."

Trump's post-shutdown strategy is to persuade his base that the border wall has already been "built" even though zero new miles have been erected. And Trump's base might believe in his magical invisible border wall, except that Acting President Ann Coulter keeps informing them that he's a lazy, no-good, incompetent liar!

When Steve Martin played Roger Stone in a SNL skit, he resurrected his old "Pardon me!" catchphrase as a signal to a certain TV-addicted president to save him before he rats.

Lincoln had a team of rivals; Trump has a team of morons. — Nobel Laureate economist Paul Krugman

Trump's "negotiation skills are terrible. He's going to be left naked at the poker table every single time he goes up against Nancy Pelosi.―Jason Johnson

The Republicans haven't had a new idea since Jack Kemp.―John Kasich, a Republican governor and presidential candidate

Trump is baffled that he doesn't get more credit for staying at the White House, although that is where presidents live and work.

Historians Kevin Kruse and Julian Zelizer have noted a "fascinating paradox" about Trump’s imperial presidency: He keeps shredding norms in ways that damage our institutions, while not getting much of what he wants. He's a hostage-taker who never collects the ransom. Yet crucial to Trump's "grand illusion" is creating the impression (via "manly optics") that his norm-shredding is producing results. According to Kruse and Zelizer: "The imperial presidency is, in many ways, propped up by media partisans who insist that the naked emperor has glorious new clothes." So welcome to the Grand Illusion, or in Trump's case, the Grand Collusion.

Tweety is an odd bird, to say the least. He seems to have a gift for parroting what people want to hear. But perhaps never before in his life has he been forced to make all his lies add up. When one of his cons failed, Tweety would pay off the victims, or use lawyers to scare them away, or go to daddy for a multi-million-dollar bailout. So he's never really been tested, and it seems impossible that Tweety can take an oath and avoid perjury. Rudy Giuliani has announced that his client will no longer talk to Mueller in any way, shape or form. John Dowd quit when Tweety Blurred insisted that he would make a great witness. So it seems the only defense that can possibly save Trump is to keep him from singing.

Talking about his wall, Trump said: “This should have been done by all of the presidents that preceded me. And they all know it. Some of them have told me that we should have done it.” But all the living presidents deny this, so apparently Trump has been in communication with multiple dead presidents! Unfortunately, Trump has not been channeling the spirit of Ronald Reagan, who once famously said of a dividing barrier, "Tear down this wall!"

Trump is holding the US government and 800,000 federal workers hostage for $5.7 billion in ransom.

Republican senators are hiding under their desks.―Tim Kaine

As one GOP strategist put it: "Republicans have pulled a gun and taken themselves hostage" over Trump's wall.

Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa), an immigration hard-liner, said: “Wherever there’s a wall built, it’s been effective.” Apparently he's never heard of walls that failed spectacularly: the Walls of Jericho, the Great Wall of China, Hadrian's Wall, the Maginot Line, the Berlin Wall, etc.

Call him the Wall Nut since Trump seems to have a fetish for imaginary walls. For instance, in defense of his nonexistent wall, Trump tweeted: "President and Mrs. Obama built/has [sic] a ten foot Wall around their D.C. mansion/compound." Trump’s assertion came as a surprise to two neighbors of the Obamas who told The Washington Post there is no such wall. A longtime resident of the area said Trump “has a very active imagination.”

Like the Grinch he is, Trump was "proud" to shut down Whoville the American government, as Christmas neared. But shouldn't he be shutting down the Mexican government, since he vowed Mexico would pay for his wall?

Trump is putting the X back in Xmas by X-ing out refugee children and their mothers. If baby Jesus and Mary showed up needing shelter, Trump wouldn't provide them with even a lowly manger. Instead, he'd order American soldiers to drive them back into the wilderness at gunpoint. Meanwhile, this is what the eerie Trump festivities looked like the last two years:Trump Christmas.

After Trump tweeted "poor me" because he had to spend Christmas at the palatial White House due to the government shutdown he proudly engineered, Trump was mocked on Twitter:

Home Alone !!!
Let's hope he's visited by three spirits tonight!
Our POTUS just tweeted "poor me." OMG what alternative reality is this?
This is what happens when the Celebrity Apprentice President needs a nap!
While you're whining in a Mansion, there are 800,000 Americans not being paid this Christmas, you out-of-touch baby!

In the spirit of the Christmas season, ICE has been living up to its frigid acronym by putting undocumented immigrants in hieleras—the Spanish word for "iceboxes" or "freezers." We have seen numerous pictures of children shivering under foil-like Mylar blankets and there are reports of some of them turning blue from the extreme cold.

Trump angrily replied to the "fake news" that his wall will not be all concrete ... by admitting that it will not be all concrete: "An all concrete Wall was NEVER ABANDONED, as has been reported by the media. Some areas will be all concrete but the experts at Border Patrol prefer a Wall that is see through (thereby making it possible to see what is happening on both sides)." So, just to be clear, the actual fake news was that there was going to be a solid 2,000-mile-long wall made out of precast concrete that Mexico was going to pay for—meaning cost was not an object and American taxpayers would not be dunned for the money. That's what Trump promised multiple times while campaigning. For instance, in the first town hall speech of his campaign at Derry, NH, Trump described his wall: “Did you ever see precast plank, for parking garages? So, you take precast plank. It comes 30 feet long, 40 feet long, 50 feet long. And you do a beautiful, nice precast plank with beautiful everything. Just perfect!” A year later at Kissimmee, FL, Trump was still talking about concrete: “Precast, right? Precast. Boom. Bing. Done. Keep going!” Trump would pose looking up into the heavens to illustrate how incredibly high his precast concrete wall would be. Everyone understood that he was talking about a solid, towering, unbroken wall. And Trump himself angrily denied that his thinking on the wall had ever evolved: “The Wall is the Wall, it has never changed or evolved from the first day I conceived of it.” And so while he was campaigning, Trump was either lying through his teeth to get elected, or he was incredibly foolish to think such an absurd wall would actually be built.

Trump claims to know more about ISIS than our generals. Here's what Trump knows about ISIS:

We have defeated ISIS!
Saudi Arabia will pay to defeat ISIS!
Thanks to the US pull-out, Russia and Iran will have to defeat ISIS!
Trump has a new, secret plan to defeat ISIS: "You have no idea what we've come up with ... you're going to be so happy ... when we Americans finally defeat ISIS!"

How bad is Trump, really? According to his first nanny, Reince Priebus, “Take everything you’ve heard and multiply it by 50.”

While it's true that Trump is the laziest president of all time, with 160 golf days and counting, that's probably a blessing. After all, just think of the damage he could do if he worked full time!

Trump gave thanks for himself on Thanksgiving Day. Meanwhile, as the Trumps dined in regal splendor, refugee children were being gassed at the border. Trump did, however, pardon two turkeys before devouring others. Such a fine Christian gentleman!

Douglas Brinkley said Trump's 35 gloom-and-doom Christmas Eve tweets were "like Charles Dickens' Scrooge on steroids."

The Grinch-like Trump then blew Santa's cover when he asked a boy named Coleman: "Are you still a believer in Santa? Because at 7 it's marginal, right?"

According to Rachel Maddow, this Christmas season features an Trump Advent Calendar from which a new surprise pops up every day. BOING! Russian collusion! BOING! Premeditated lies to the FBI and Congress! BOING! Payoffs to porn stars and Playboy bunnies with fraudulent paperwork! BOING! A Trump "charity" that spends other people's money on the Trumps. BOING! Betray our allies, including Israel, and hand over Syria to Putin, Assad and Iran. 'Tis the season for high crimes and misdemeanors!

Just in time for Christmas, Trump finally has a major win to crow about! North Korea just announced their willingness to disarm their nukes! ... But wait, there's one teeny-tiny little catch. They say the US must disarm first!

The truth hurts. Trump is reportedly furious that his new nanny-in-chief, Mick Mulvaney, once called him a "terrible human being." So just imagine the explosion when Trump learns that Mulvaney also derided his precious border wall, calling Trump's idea "simplistic," "absurd" and "almost childish." But that's what nannies are for: to watch over terrible tykes until they grow up.―Michael R. Burch

Trump tweeted a "Steel Slat Barrier" design for his border wall fence, calling it "totally effective while at the same time beautiful!" The fence would be topped with sharp metal spikes, presumably to "beautifully" impale babies and toddlers if they are accidentally dropped.

It is FAKE NEWS that Donald Trump doesn't have a sense of humor! Want proof? Well, this is incredibly funny: Trump says it should be illegal to make fun of Trump! That's like saying it should be illegal to breathe air. There are some things none of us can help doing.―Michael R. Burch

According to Lawrence O'Donnell, "Donald Trump is going to need more lawyers. A LOT of lawyers."

Trump has set the bar so low that if he spells his name correctly, Faux News gives him straight A's.

Trump's love for MbS is a romance that is perpetually new, a cloudless day of picnics in the park, sweet nothings of arms and oil deals, and promises of mutual defense.―Graeme Wood in The Atlantic 

Jeff Sessions is the only confederate monument Trump was willing to take down.—Clint Smith @ClintSmithIII

In addition to her emails, federal investigators should examine Ivanka's feemails.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Paul Ryan gets that Trump thinks he really is the Messiah, in this joke he told: “Cardinal Dolan gave a benediction at President Trump’s inaugural. There was just this one kind of awkward moment when the cardinal talked about the infallible, enlightened supreme being. The president stood up and took a bow.”

When will Trump read the writing on the wall? MENE MENE TEKEL UPHARSIN. Your days are numbered. You have been measured and found wanting. Your administration is divided and doomed to fall.

One of my Christmas gifts was a prophetic t-shirt that says: "Elect a clown, expect a circus."―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump is the absolute King of Unintentional Comedy. For instance, he brag-tweeted that his approval rating had climbed to 52%. That would be average for anyone else, but stunningly good for him. Alas, that was his disapproval rating! His approval rating remains underwater at 39% and sinking.

Adam Schiff, who is known for his calm demeanor, recently observed that “Trump has created a constituency for people who are not running around with their hair on fire.”

Has the "witch hunt" gone too far? Not according to David French, who observed: "The sad reality is that the Trump operation was a target-rich environment for any diligent investigator."

Trump can't be trusted to run a tiny $1.7 million charity, but he can be trusted with a $4.1 trillion federal budget and the nuclear codes?

Please don't be shocked that Melania has changed her hair color to dirty blonde. Word is she's joining the federal witness protection program and needed an appropriate look.

Correction: It turns out that Melania just grabbed The Donald's hair dye by mistake!

Presidential biographer John Meacham described Trump as a "witting, unwitting or partially witting agent of a foreign power."

Trump accusing Michael Cohen of lying is like a spitting cobra criticizing a bulldog for drooling. Whose saliva is the most lethal?―Michael R. Burch

James Comey has a deadpan sense of humor. When he testified before Congress and was asked about Trump's suggestions that he and Robert Mueller were touchy-feely bosom buddies, Comey replied that he had "never hugged or kissed the man" then noted this was "a relief to my wife."

Who will replace White House Chief of Staff John Kelly? Prospective nannies for Truant Trump include Julie Andrews (Mary Poppins), Emma Thompson (Nanny McPhee), Carol Burnett (Miss Hannigan), Louise Fletcher (Nurse Ratched), Kathy Bates (Annie Wilkes), Hulk Hogan (Mr. Nanny), Arnold Schwarzenegger (Kindergarten Cop), Michael Hordern (Merlin), Ian McKellen (Gandalf), Richard Harris (Albus Dumbledore), Guy Henry (Pius Thicknesse), Alan Rickman (Severus Snape), Robbie Coltrane (Hagrid) and Melania (although she already has her hands full with young Barron). But the chances that anyone can keep the man-baby president from peeing all over the White House remain slim to none, whether by muscle, intimidation or magic.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

According to Trump, it is "very legal" and "very cool" to lie through his teeth to the American public, Congress and the FBI. While campaigning and since being elected president, Trump has repeatedly said things like: "I have no deals with Russia. I have no dealings with Russia. I have no deals that could happen in Russia, because we've stayed away. What do I know about Russia? I have nothing to do with Russia. I promise you I've never made ... I don't have any deals with Russia. I had Miss Universe there a couple of years ago other than that no. I had nothing to do [with Russia]." Like most liars, Trump can't keep his story straight. In reality, he and his family were secretly meeting with Russian agents, making backdoor deals, rigging the 2016 presidential election, and jeopardizing national security by compromising themselves.

According to NBC News, in a "highly unusual intervention by a president into a pending criminal case," Trump tweeted that Michael Cohen "lied for this outcome and should, in my opinion, serve a full and complete sentence." WOW, if Trump served a "full and complete sentence" for every lie he told, he'd be serving till the end of time! (And perhaps beyond.)

Trump was blasting out "Happy" at a political event short hours after the Pittsburgh synagogue massacre. Pharrell Williams demanded that Trump "cease and desist" from using the song so inappropriately. Perhaps Pharrell can write a new campaign song for Trump called "Sappy."

From time to time Trump manages to do something that seems impossible. For instance, he released a campaign video that was too racist even for Fox News!

Donald Trump really is trying to raise American living standards. Particularly those of ex-pornstars.—Nick Hall

Will Trump be yelling and tweeting "Lock her up!" about the apple of his sty, after learning that Ivanka has been using her private email for government business? #LockHerUp #LockUpIvanka

Trump has made his decision: Mohammed bin Salman may be a murderous bastard, but he's not going to let that stop the US from selling billions in advanced weapons to Saudi Arabia. And we all know how well that policy worked with Saddam Hussein!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Sometimes the best Trump jokes are created by The Donald himself. For instance, Ohio Rep. Tim Ryan called it "an absolute joke" after Trump claimed to have a "magic wand" for manufacturing on the same day GM closed five plants. GM is laying off more than 10% of its North American work force, while increasing production in China and Mexico. The layoffs will have a domino effect, as GM suppliers follow suit. The final figure could be 50,000 layoffs or more. And Trump was a prime factor with his trade wars, tariffs and rolling back of vehicle economy standards, which hurt the sales of smaller American-made cars. Now China and Mexico are the winners and American workers are the losers, thanks to Trump's "magic wand."

Are you allowed to impeach a president for gross incompetence? — Donald Trump tweet from June 2014
You're about to find out, Benedict Donald! — Mark Hamill aka Luke Skywalker

September 11, 2018: On the anniversary of 9-11, a federal judge imposes a gag order on "Red Sparrow" spy Maria Butina, inspiring a new round of S&M-themed internet memes!

CON-fused say why man who live in glass tower run around naked throwing bricks? (Trump is, essentially, the don of a mob family who decided it would be a great idea to "go public" by running for president. His "university" was a scam. His "charity" was a scam. His golf courses were apparently funded by Russian mob money laundered through Deutsche Bank. He turned the White House into another profit center for his mob operations. When a movie is made about his life it should titled The Gaud Father.)

Trump has more flip-flops than spring break on a Florida beach. A few days before Christmas, he was back to his original position of being "proud" to own the government shutdown. How many Tiny Tims and Tinas will suffer on both sides of his imaginary wall, thanks to Ebenezer Scrooge McTrump? Trump threatened not to sign any legislation unless it funds “perfect Border Security.” But everyone knows a mega-expensive wall would not come close to providing "perfect border security," since people can sail around it, fly over it, tunnel under it, use ladders to climb over it, or just stroll across the undefended Canadian border. (Although since Trump became president, it's more likely that people will cross the border into Canada.) Trump has apparently given up on an actual wall and will now settle for "artistically designed" see-through steel slats. But a see-through fence is not going to produce "perfect border security," so Trump is once again just dog-whistling "Dixie."―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

The biased media should stop claiming that so many Trump associates are being sent to jail. They’re just moving to rooms with artistically designed steel slats that you can see through!―Matthew Miller

Hey libtards! Can the fake news! If you really care about the truth, stop calling Trump the Wall Nut ... be accurate and call him the Fence Fantasist!

After visiting Canada for a meeting of the G7, Donald Trump remarked that it was "a really great overseas trip."—Nick Hall

It is FAKE NEWS that Trump is not a history expert. You just have to spell it correctly: "his story."—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump is not a dispenser of "fake news." He goes yugely beyond that with FAKE SPEWS.

Trump says fake news has to end. I agree. Lock down his Twitter account and slap duct tape over his nasty lying mouth.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" 

Liberals call Trump a monster because he allegedly had sex with a porn star just weeks after his son was born, didn't wear a condom and after he finished rolled over, turned on Shark Week and ordered fried chicken. To me that makes him an inspiration. He's the Motley Crue of politics!—Leo Kearse

Trump hates the first amendment, loves the second amendment, and has no idea what the third amendment is.—Sid Singh

Trump has a very clear interpretation of the Bill of Rights: everything Trump does is right. 

Trump loves capitalism but hates free trade, which is like being a Destiny's Child fan who hates Beyoncé.—Alex Kealy 

Want to know the real reason Trump loves Kim Jong-un so much? It's because Lil' Kim is the only world leader with smaller hands. And he's the only "head" of state with more comical hair than Trump. What's not to like, when narcissism is the sole measuring rod?—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

The weird thing about Trump's presidency is that I now actually hope that there is a shadowy cabal deep within the US government dedicated to undermining the democratically elected leader.—Alex Kealy  

Melania Trump called herself "the most bullied person in the world." Sadly, that's what happens when you marry the world's biggest cyberbully!—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

The Donald loomed like a tropical depression over France, insulting the French people for needing American assistance against Germany while forgetting or not knowing that France bailed out the American revolutionaries first. There wouldn't have been a United States without France's support. Trump is the ultimate Ugly American.

Asking Trump to be more civil is like asking a spitting cobra to be less venomous.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Other presidents have been world leaders. But Trump's a world pleader: "Please give us more money! Please don't compete with us! Please take all the refugees so we don't have to take any, or just let the children and their mothers rot and die! Please! Please! Please!" (During his campaign Trump bragged that he "wins by whining," so this is not accidental.)

Trump made the November 2018 elections all about himself and his agenda. He received his answer from record numbers of American voters: FU A$$hole.

Under Trump the United States has become the land of the plea and the home of the knave.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Call Trump the Banana Republican after he threatened to use "law enforcement" to stop votes from being counted in Florida. Joe Scarborough correctly pointed out that Trump is turning the US into a third-world country.

Trump called Stormy Daniels "Horseface" and a "total con" in one of his nastier tweets (which is saying a lot). Stormy had the perfect rejoinder: "Game on, Tiny!" and she also noted his "shortcomings."

Thanks to Trump scientists have finally been able to prove that men with small hands do indeed have small sex organs (and small minds as well).—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump finally admitted that he's a nationalist. But in his haste to tweet, he left out the word "white."—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Ted Cruz is such a funny guy, by which I don't mean humorous. Cruz cracked a joke about the death of Mary Jo Kopechne at Chappaquiddick by saying that when his opponent got in a car with Joe Kennedy, "it may be the first time in history anyone's ever asked a Kennedy to drive!" Once again we see how little women's lives matter to the GOP's alpha males.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" 

Trump just proclaimed a National Day of Prayer. That's like Hugh Hefner calling for a National Day of Celibacy or Ted Bundy taking a short break from serial killing.

White men really are superior, according to a renowned expert! Ann Coulter, commenting on the Kavanaugh rape allegations, insisted that "there has never been a more pacific, less rapey creature than the white male of Western European descent." Coulter might want to crack a history book or two. Has she never heard of the Holocaust, the Trail of Tears, American slavery, the Crusades, the Inquisitions, the ethnic cleansing of the New World, etc.? As Mark Twain once observed, one of the great lies is that the white man is any less savage than the other savages. And, as Yogi Berra put it, "You could look it up."—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Prepare for a new form of the "bump and grind"! Trump said he and North Korean serial killer Kim Jong-un "fell in love" because of Kim's undoubtedly flattering "beautiful letters." And this time the bromance will be consummated because a top Pyongyang official just said "f* you" to denuclearization.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Donald Trump weenie jokes:

Stormy Daniels described Trump's penis as "smaller than average" but "not freakishly small."
"He knows he has an unusual penis," Daniels said, "It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool..."
"I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart..."
"It may have been the least impressive sex I'd ever had, but clearly, he didn't share that opinion."

Trump issued a four-word tweet after the funerals of John McCain and Aretha Franklin: Make America GRATE again!

Trump put the "ire" in Ireland when he threatened to visit there, but the natives were playing "Ode to Joy" after his trip was canceled.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Call Brett Kavanaugh the "hanging judge" since he apparently goes around dangling his participle.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Brett Kavanaugh is a real card! He's the "get out of jail FREE card" in Trump's version of Monopoly.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Paul Manafort's name is prophetic. He will soon man a fort (a stockade known as a "federal prison").—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Donald Trump, Paul Manafort and Michael Cohen are partners in grime.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Thanks to The Donald we now live in the days of whine and poses!

Trump Only Hires the Best People!

Trump said of Attorney General Jeff Sessions: "This guy is mentally retarded. He's this dumb Southerner."
Rudy Giuliani, acting as Trump's lawyer and speaking for him, called Michael Cohen a "pathological manipulator" and "liar."
Trump called former White House staffer Omarosa Manigault-Newman a "dog" and "a crazed, crying lowlife."
Reince Priebus reportedly called the presidential bedroom where Trump does most of his tweeting "the Devil's workshop."
White House chief of staff John Kelly told colleagues that Trump "an idiot. It's pointless to try to convince him of anything. He's gone off the rails. We're in Crazytown."

Trump Space Cadet and Space Force Memes

To insanity and beyond!
We will take you to our leader, if you will take Trump with you!
May the Space Force be with you, because in space no one can hear you lie!
Houston, we have a problem! It should be Space Farce!
On the space ship Lollipop / orbiting nukes are gonna rock!

Michael Cohen's lips have their own legal strategy: Flip. Flop. Flap.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump's legal strategy is sound: the President cannot be indicted because he has work to do! He can grope, rape, murder, lie and collude with impunity, because he's too busy to bother with the law!

GOP = Goosesteppers obeying Putin.

The Trump-inspired NFL anthem policy is the sports equivalent of a shotgun wedding.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Oh really? Was Trump being honest when he claimed that he only hires the best people? It seems more likely that he only hires the worst people, based on what he and his cronies have said about Omarosa ("wacky," "nasty" and a "loser" who was "nothing but problems"), Jeff Sessions ("very weak" and "disgraceful"), Anthony Scaramucci (human Brylcreem who lasted all of ten days), Betsy DeVos ("ditsy"), Michael Cohen ("pathological liar"), Michael Flynn (now a convict), Paul Manafort and Rick Gates (on trial for fraud), Kirstjen Nielson (a "total failure"), Wilbur Ross ("past his prime"), George Papadopoulos ("liar"), Reince Priebus ("leaker"), Sean Spicer (the butt of some of SNL's funniest skits in recent memory), et al.

Trump has a cute new nickname for immigrant children: "bargaining chips."—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump has no problem putting babies on ICE.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Beware, the vICEman cometh!—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump's new campaign song is ICE ICE Baby.

Mr. Art of the Deal admits he's been using immigrant children as a negotiating tool, which makes him the tool of the Devil. And we'd expect the spawn of the Father of Lies to spawn lies on a daily basis, which Trump does, further confirming his dark heritage.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

To reboot American democracy the key stroke is ALT-RIGHT-DELETE.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

I know you don't believe in climate change but a storm's a-coming, baby.―Stormy Daniels on SNL

Trump has the amazing ability to make Tricky Dick Nixon seem virtuous and Shrub Junior wise.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

President Trump spent the day tweeting complaints about leaks inside the White House, because we all know Trump prefers his leaks inside Russian hotel rooms!―Deadpool (Ryan Reynolds) on the Steven Colbert show

Donald Trump isn't here [at the White House Correspondents' Dinner]. I would drag him here myself, but it turns out the president of the United States is the one pussy you're not allowed to grab.―Michelle Wolf 

It's 2018 and I'm a woman, so you can't shut me up ... unless you have Michael Cohen wire me $130,000.―Michelle Wolf

Or perhaps hold out for 150K, like the Playboy bunny!―Michael R. Burch

Trump has the same approach to nuclear treaties and groping women's genitals: "We’re here now, why can't we just do it?"―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

The new political equation? Vote = Alt-Write-Delete.

Trump has the face that launched a thousand shocks.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

It is FAKE NEWS that Trump's foundation is not a legitimate charity! Trump's charity is absolutely fulfilling its prime directive by showering Trump with fame and acclaim, using other people's money! And Trump is so deeply mired in debt that he's a charity case himself, so decorating his golf clubs and buying life-sized pictures of himself is perfectly kosher!

It's time to rename Memorial Day. Let's call it Mem-Boor-ial Day, or Boor-More-ial Day, after Trump crowed that fallen American soldiers would be very happy with and proud of his accomplishments! Trump was almost giddy with happiness, and concluded his tweet with "Nice!"

Truant Trump recently had a Starburst Outburst when he threw two pieces of candy at German Chancellor Angela Merkel during one of his temper tantrums. In related news Donald the Menace's new book is titled The Art of the Squeal. It will be followed by The Art of the Feel and The Art of the Appeal.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Meanwhile, ABC "barred" the door to the grotesque racism of Trump's biggest fan, Roseanne Barr.

T'gether Trump and Roseanne 're makin' 'Murica grate again, 'specially wit' them thar cute ape jokes!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

At least Trump pulls out when he promises to. If only his father had done the same!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Better cancel the Nobel Peace Prize celebration. In his letter canceling the Singapore summit, Trump said that only his personal dialogue with Jong-Un matters. The world hanging in the balance is nothing compared to Trump's personal relationships. The world being saved matters not a whit unless Trump is treated nicely. No harsh words, unless Trump is spouting them! There was also a thinly veiled threat that the US can destroy North Korea at Trump's whim. Such diplomacy!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump and Roseanne are the ultimate odd couple: the Flag Waver and the Anthem Desecrator.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Q: How do you know that your cabinet is completely batshit crazy?
A: When the most moderate member's nickname is "Mad Dog."
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

In order to win elections and stay in power, Republicans are robbing voters of their rights by "drawing discombobulated district lines as if they're f*****g Picasso."―Lewis Black

Trump said leaks are "fake news" but in the next breath he accused the leakers of being traitors, which suggests the news is not fake but very serious.

Donald Trump spent more time firing Lil Jon than he did the Secretary of State.―Jimmy Kimmel

Trump is "going through Cabinet members quicker than Starbucks throws out black people."―Michelle Wolf 

You know things are crazy when you hear the president is being sued by a porn star and people have to ask, "Which one?"―Jimmy Fallon

For Donald Trump, losing Hope Hicks is like losing his right arm. Which is really bad, because we all know he needs two hands to drink water!―Stephen Colbert

As reported by CNN, the White House calligrapher now has a higher-level security clearance than Jared Kushner, the former Secretary of Everything.

Trump's doctor predicted he will live a long life. As a result, he's now treating Melania for depression.—Conan O'Brien

Trump continues to amaze us with his incredible "intelligence" and "world's best memory." When Melania returned to the White House after spending six days in the hospital after kidney surgery, The Donald misspelled her name in a tweet, calling her "Melanie."

Former Playboy model Karen McDougal has publicly apologized to Melania for having sex with her husband. In related news, Trump's parents have publicly apologized for having sex and conceiving him.

The Trump presidency is a joke, but it's no laughing matter.―Graydon Carter

"Pretty sure dumb whores go to hell," someone wrote on Stormy Daniels' Twitter feed. "Whew!" she replied. "Glad I'm a smart one."

People who condemn Stormy Daniels while defending a serial molester must have a "screw" loose.

If Trump has a movement behind him, a bowel may be involved.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Was there a good omen recently—a silver lining in the very dark clouds? When Mostik the cat was the first crosser of the Kerch Strait Bridge, making it over before Russian strongman Vladimir Putin, was that a sign that Pussy Riot will also come out ahead?

Signs of the Times

My new backpack is almost as transparent as the NRA's agenda. I feel sooo safe now!―Lauren Hogg, a Parkland survivor
My backpack is worth more than my life. (Parkland students are wearing $1.05 price tags.)
In America women's bodies are more regulated than guns.
The only thing easier to buy than an AR-15 is a GOP candidate.
You can't fix stupid, but you can vote it out.
I've seen smarter cabinets at IKEA!
When Paul Ryan is fired, I'll send my thoughts & prayers.
Betsy DeVos is the only thing that should be fired inside a school.
Students take the bullets and the blame?
If I die in a school shooting, drop my body off at the NRA.
I can't even bring peanut butter to school!
When I said I'd rather die than go to math class, that was hyperbole, assholes!
I want my kid to get A's, not PTSD.
The scariest thing in a school should be my grades!
Ban the piece, strive for peace.
This is not a moment, it's a MOVEMENT.
Arms are for hugging.
And a little child shall lead them.

Donald Trump Puns

If Donald Trump gets elected, there'll be hell toupée.―Anonymous

When Trump is elected we will all have toupée the price.―Ryan Bourassa

Tweety's goose is cooked. It's hard to imagine that there isn't a smorgasbord of foie gras just waiting to be sampled by Robert Mueller and his "follow the money" experts.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Mueller's trap is closing. Tweety is already singing like a canary, in his tweets. It would be be an open and shut case, except that Tweety seems incapable of shutting his trap.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Teddy Roosevelt spoke softly and carried a big stick; Donald Trump speaks loudly and carries a big shtick.―Michael R. Burch

Trump has always been a bully. Now he has the world's biggest bully pulpit.―Michael R. Burch

I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping.―Stephen Colbert

Americans have been mishearing The Donald: what he actually said is that he will make America grate again, after which many of them will migrate again.―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump has filed so many bankruptcies that his children have receding heir lines.―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump's favorite chapter of the Bible is obviously Chapter 11.―Anonymous

Donald Trump accused Huma Abedin of sharing state secrets with her husband. I think Trump clearly lacks a sense of Huma.—Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump just announced that if the GOP doesn't treat him fairly, he will resurrect the Whig party and run as its hair apparent.―Michael R. Burch

Bill Clinton tried to keep his affairs private. Donald Trump makes his privates an international affair.―Michael R. Burch

These are clearly the end times, and now we know why the prophets warned us about the Trump of Doom.―Michael R. Burch

To see how Trump fulfills Biblical prophecies, please click the hyperlink.

Golden Oldies but Goodies

Trump's nuttier than a port­a­potty at a peanut festival.—Unknown

Trump's crazier than a sprayed cockroach.—Unknown

What's the difference between God and Donald Trump? God doesn't think he's Donald Trump.—Unknown

Tonight, we honor a self-made millionaire. He started with nothing, worked hard, and made a fortune. That man is Fred Trump, Donald's dad.—Seth McFarlane

Donald Trump getting elected President has already had a positive effect on the economy. Sales of alcohol have never been higher.—Unknown

Donald Trump really has egg on his face now. Which pairs nicely with the hash browns on the top of his head.—James Corden

Donald Trump likes to sue people. He should sue whoever did that to his face.—Marco Rubio

Donald, you're gross, nobody likes you, but you come back every couple of years. Nobody knows why. You're like the McRib.―Whitney Cummings

The Donald and I have a lot in common: we both live in New York, we both play golf, and we both fantasize about his daughter Ivanka.―Jeffrey Ross

I know that he's taken some flack lately, but no one is prouder to put this birth certificate matter to rest than The Donald. And that's because he can finally get back to the issues that matter, like: Did we fake the moon landing? What really happened in Roswell? And where are Biggie and Tupac?―Barack Obama

Donald, we all know about your credentials and breadth of experience. For example—no, seriously—just recently, in an episode of Celebrity Apprentice you didn't blame Lil Jon or Meatloaf—you fired Gary Busey. And these are the kinds of decisions that would keep me up at night.―Barack Obama

Food for Thought

Alec Baldwin called Trump the "head writer" of Saturday Night Live because "90 percent" of his Trump impersonation lines are actually direct quotes.

Why doesn't Jimmy Fallon join in the fun more often? He says Trump is "too serious" to joke about!

Donald Trump just announced the first immigrants to be deported: Lady Liberty, a French import, along with her huddled masses yearning to be free.―Michael R. Burch

Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast? This is no joke, because the most expensive single building ever sold in the United States was purchased by the Trump family, at 666 Fifth Avenue, a street that symbolizes money (Mammon). The price was $1.8 billion, which is three more sixes. Another Trump tower at One Journal Square will be 666 feet high with a price tag of $666 million. And still that is just the tip of the 666 iceberg. The founder of the original Trump company died on 6-6-6 and her maiden name may shock you: Elizabeth Christ. You can click the hyperlink to learn more (no annoying ads or requests for money; this is a public service). Yes, it does sound like the plot of a new OMEN movie, but in this case fact really is stranger than fiction. Ironically, evangelical Christian leaders are now lining up to endorse Trump. Have the very elect been deceived, just as the Hebrew prophets predicted thousands of years ago when they warned us to listen for the Trump of Doom? The Antichrist has been prophesied to be a sort of "reverse twin" of Jesus Christ, as if Lucifer became flesh and sought to become the Savior of the world. And Trump has certainly been proclaiming himself as the only possible Savior. For instance, at a campaign rally in Kiawah Island, S.C., the egomaniacal Trump made it clear that he, not God Almighty, is the only possible defender of Christians. Discussing ISIS, Trump said, "Their primary goal is to get to the Vatican. If and when the Vatican is attacked, the pope would only wish and have prayed that Donald Trump would have been elected president." In other words, it is useless for people of faith to pray to God for protection. Christians should pray for Trump to save them. After a terrorist attack in Pakistan on Easter Sunday, Trump tweeted: "Another radical Islamic attack, this time in Pakistan, targeting Christian women & children. At least 67 dead, 400 injured. I alone can solve." No compassion, no condolences, just Trump bragging on Trump. And what arrogance! Who but the Antichrist would claim to be the only possible savior of Christians? Who but the Antichrist would claim to be a Christian while denying the need to ask God for forgiveness? Who but the Antichrist would denigrate Holy Communion by reducing it to a "little cracker" and a "little wine," when these represent the sacred body and blood of Jesus Christ to real Christian believers?

Donald Trump is now ahead of Hillary Clinton in the polls. This was reported today in The Washington Post, and 2,000 years ago in the Book of Revelation.―Conan O'Brien

Republicans sowed intolerance and in its shadow, Trump sprang up like toxic fungi.―Charles M. Blow

Currently Rising, Part II

NEWS FLASH: Ty Cobb strikes out, retires, joins the Hall of Shame.―Michael R. Burch

CNN says Sarah "Suckmypee" Sanders has "lost all credibility with the American people." Did she have any to begin with? Hasn't she been lying like a dog since day one?―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

A lot of people want Trump to be impeached. I do not. Because just when you think Trump is awful, you remember Mike Pence. Mike Pence is what happens when Anderson Cooper isn't gay.―Michelle Wolf

Scott Pruitt just announced that for the sake of accuracy the EPA is being renamed the Environment Polluters Advisory.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

I just love the smell of irony in the morning. The FOSTA anti-prostitution bill requires the signature of Donald J. Trump, whose middle initial stands for "John." Trump's been paying women 10K for sex, then 100K or more to buy their silence about how he procures their services. Our president is his own pimp!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

First Trump vowed that Mexico would pay for the wall. Then it was taxpayers. Now Trump is dunning our men and women in uniform. Next on his list is the Girl Scouts, with a YUGE cookie sale.

"Trade wars are good, and easy to win." So declared Donald Trump a few weeks ago, after announcing tariffs on steel and aluminum. Actually, trade wars are rarely good, and not at all easy to win—especially if you have no idea what you’re doing. And boy, do these people not know what they're doing!―The New York Times

Vladimir Putin poisoned a Russian intelligence agent. Trump called to congratulate him and get tips on how to take out Robert Mueller.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

On November 9, 2016, Vladimir Putin became the first person to have won presidential elections in Russia and the United States.

Trump gives new meaning to the term "March Madness." He's mad as a March hare, he's marching us to disaster, and his hair's insane!

"I won't rule out direct talks with Kim Jong-un. I just won't," Trump said. "As far as the risk of dealing with a madman is concerned, that's his problem, not mine." In a rare blip of honesty Trump just admitted that Jong-un will be dealing with a madman!

The Trump plot thickens? Hell, it's way past hardened concrete at this point.―Ted ontheleftcoast in a Daily Kos thread

Jimmy Kimmel, choking on tears after 17 Florida high school students were murdered in yet another senseless massacre, said: "You say this is a mental health issue, but one of your first acts as president, Mr. Trump, was to roll back the regulations that were designed to keep firearms out of the hands of the mentally ill. You did that. Your party voted to repeal the mandates on coverage for mental health. I agree this is a mental illness issue. Because if you don’t think we need to do something about it, you’re obviously mentally ill."

The NRA's Wayne LaPierre told CPAC that the right to bear arms "is not bestowed by man, but granted by God to all Americans as our American birthright." That's right: auburn-haired, fair-skinned Rambo-Jesus wants all his disciples packing heat!

Sarah Chadwick, one of the student survivors, tweeted: "We should change the names of AR-15s to 'Marco Rubio' because they're so easy to buy."

Trump claimed not to be afraid of the NRA. But when a student asked if he'd return $30 million in NRA blood money, Trump turned white as a KKK sheet and fainted.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" 

After Trump claimed he would have run in and fought an AR-15-armed mass murderer bare-handed, Stephen Colbert asked, "What are you gonna do? Run in and stab him with your bone spurs?" Colbert also expressed doubts that the walrus-like Trump is able to "run." Did he mean that he would waddle in, then flop down in exhaustion, causing an earthquake to incapacitate the killer?

The White House reported that Trump is the victim of "malicious leaks." Apparently, Russian hookers have been peeing on him again.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" 

If you can get this idiot elected twice, you would achieve something like immortality in politics.—Sam Nunberg

Sam Nunberg has all the reserve of a howler monkey escaped from the zoo.—Jack Shafer

Have we seen the worst of Trump? Ap-parent-ly not (pardon the pun), since a White House nanny cautioned that "We haven't bottomed out." So expect to see man-baby Trump exposing that YUGE ass in public until he takes a spanking at the polls.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump is NOT a flip-flopper! He's simply a man without positions, morals or a clue.

General John F. Kelly had a simple explanation for how he became Trump's head nanny: "God punished me!"

It is clearly FAKE NEWS that Melania was not qualified for an Einstein visa. She is undoubtedly a genius at disrobing, attracting rich, powerful men, and having them provide her every need! She even chain-migrated her parents over. Now she's living in the White House, yet doesn't have to sleep in the same bed with Trump. She gets to amuse herself with little ironic jokes, like saying her "main priority" is to end cyber-bullying when her husband is the world's biggest and nastiest cyber bully. How can anyone possibly deny such staggering genius? We should all bow down to Melania in awe, then buy her self-help books!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"  

Let's get this straight. Trump attorney Michael Cohen paid porn star Stormy Daniels $130,000 out of the goodness of his heart and his own personal checkbook. But he had to set up a shell company—a Delaware LLC—to do it. Nothing suspicious about that! And of course Trump wasn't guilty of anything, so it wasn't hush money. Everyone knows that Trump is as faithful as the day is long! If you believe that cockamamie story, I have some political swampland that you will undoubtedly want to purchase at outlandish prices.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" 

Was Michael Wolff exaggerating about how bad things were in the Trump White House? Not according to Reince Priebus, who held Trump's tiny little hands and burped him on a daily basis. Priebus said we should take anything we heard and multiply it 50 times. And this is from a Republican nanny who says he loves Trump and wishes him well!

Trump says we should "Hire the best and fire the worst." Great idea! Let's start at the top and work our way down! #DumpTrump #CropGOP

Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte says female rebels should be shot in the genitals to render them "useless.'' In related news, President Pussygrabber volunteered to "snatch" the women while Duterte "cocks" and shoots.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" 

The great hair flap is, literally, a hair flap. Oh, what tangled webs Trump weaves when his hair graft practices to deceive!

Thanks to all the women's marches he inspired, Trump has single-handedly saved the pink yarn industry!―Michael Che on SNL's Weekend Update

Donald Trump blamed minority leader Chuck Schumer for the government shutdown, because he never misses a chance to blame a minority.―Colin Jost on SNL's Weekend Update

Negotiating with the Trump administration is like "negotiating with jello."—Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer

To us non-experts the only thing that looks healthy about Donald Trump is that he's shaped like the food pyramid.—Trevor Noah

Trump supporters continue to stand by their sham.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Signs of the Resistance

Nasty women are snatching back their country from Trump, one march at a time.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

These are the top ten signs carried by Trump protesters, followed by a number of honorable mentions. 

Today we march, tomorrow we RUN for office!
Keep your tiny hands off my button!
Our button's bigger than yours! (With a picture of a ballot.)
Sex offenders are not allowed in government housing!
A woman's place is in the Resistance. // A woman's place is in the House and Senate.
Girls just wanna have fun-damental human rights.
Tweet women with respect!
Stop tweetin' u stoopid puddy gwabber!
Trump is making America grate again.
Love trumps hate, so #DumpTrump.

Honorable Mention

When Voldemort is president, we need a nation of Hermiones. (Held up by a group of little girls.)
Trump's wives are immigrants.
Free Melania!
I've seen smarter cabinets at IKEA!
Elect a clown, expect a circus!
We need to talk about the Elephant in the womb! (With a picture of the GOP elephant.)
Boys will be boys held accountable.
Tiny hands, YUUUGE asshole!
Bully Culprit.
Electile dysfunction.
Stop pretending your racism is patriotism.
Men of quality respect women's equality.
I am not longer accepting things I cannot change, I am changing things I cannot accept!
Vote like your life depends on it, because it does!
Make The Donald Drumpf again: deport Trump.

Much Ado About a Nothingburger

Q: Why is Donald Trump terrified of sharks?
A: Because he's a whale, duh!
—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

According to porn star Stormy Daniels, Donald Trump watched Shark Week obsessively and was "riveted" and "terrified" by sharks. Daniels quoted the Great White Snark saying: "I would never donate to any charity that helps sharks! I hope all the sharks die!" Her account rings true, because who could make up something so bizarre? Furthermore, Trump apparently confirmed Daniels' account when in 2013 he tweeted about his hatred of sharks: "Sharks are last on my list—other than perhaps the losers and haters of the World!" We know how Trump hates all those dark-skinned losers and haters in shithole countries. So he must really, really hate sharks with a passion!

It is FAKE NEWS that Trump gets no exercise. He gets plenty of exercise chasing porn stars around his bedroom in his tighty whities!

Thanks to Celebrity Apprentice producer Mark Burnett, we don’t have to watch reality shows anymore ... because we’re living in one.―Jimmy Kimmel

More specifically, we are now living in Celebrity Apprentice President.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Dennis Rodman has more foreign policy experience than Jared Kushner. That's for real.―Jimmy Kimmel

The Dreamers? Ultimately, Donald Trump believes that if these kids want to be American, they have to do it the right way: by marrying Donald Trump.―Jimmy Kimmel

John Kelly: President Trump's thinking on the wall has evolved.
Donald Trump: It is fake news that I have ever evolved, or that I think!

John Kelly: It won't be be a wall, it won't work and Mexico won't pay for it.
Donald Trump: Will too! And why is everyone being so mean to me?

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream.
Donald Trump has a scheme.

On Martin Luther King day, Trump announced: "I too have a dream ... a big beautiful dream ... getting rid of the Dreamers!" Then he got back to what's really import, playing golf.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

It is FAKE NEWS that Donald Trump is inconsistent, flighty and variable as the wind! There is one area in which Trump is tremendously consistent. BIGLY consistent. YUGELY consistent. Whenever a girl or woman is abused, Trump ALWAYS sympathizes with the abuser, whether it's Roy "Score" Moore, Steve "Bam Bam" Bannon, "Gory" Corey Lewandowski, Roger "Dodger" Ailes, Bill "the Shill" O'Reilly, Andy "Putz" Puzder, or Rob "Rock 'em and Sock 'em" Porter. Why? ...

Sexual predators of a feather
flock together.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition

Hell, Trump told USA Today that if his daughter Ivanka experienced sexual harassment in the workplace, he "would like to think she would find another career or find another company." No need to punish the male abusers, just get rid of the female victims! Trump also told Howard Stern that it would be "okay" for him to call Ivanka a "piece of ass." If that's how Trump feels about his own daughter, just imagine how he feels about women in general.

Trump is still having trouble sticking to the teleprompter. For instance, he recently read: "We're going to win lots of elections!" However, he missed the tail end: "for Democrats."

Trump is, indeed, a Stable Genius. He's like the kid who rakes muck in a barn full of pigs, donkeys and jackasses.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump was actually correct, for once. The world is full of shitholes. The biggest one's between his endlessly flapping lips!

Trump is doing a remarkable job of making China great again, by alienating country after country after country. Our loss of international prestige is China's gain.

How quickly they forget! Trump says Democrats are "un-American" and "treasonous" for failing to applaud him. But then Trump must be un-American and treasonous for having failed to applaud President Obama. Lock him up!

Repealing DACA in order to MAGA is a load of CACA.―Stephen Colbert 

It's ironic that Trump wants to end chain migration when the German Drumpfs are its poster children.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Retiring Rep. Charlie Dent (R-Pa.) likened the GOP to a dysfunctional family: "Dad's drunk again but we don’t talk about it."

Why did Trump go to Davos? Obviously, to persuade Erna Solberg, the Prime Minister of Norway, to export more fair, blonde Ivankas to America! What can the US offer in return? Some of our "beautiful clean coal," of course!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Trump just announced that Norway will spend mega-bucks on the F-52, a plane that doesn't exist. Talk about stealth technology!

Speaking of Norway, if Trump was as smart as he claims, he'd know that Norwegians have no interest in vastly lowering their standard of living by emigrating to the United States. That would be like the Rockefellers migrating to a trailer park!

Why would Trump call nations of darker-skinned people "shitholes" and call for more Norwegian emigrants? He has a very simple plan to make American great again: import more Donalds and Ivankas!

When Trump tells other Americans to "get smart," he clearly means "smart" like himself and Maxwell Smart.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Omarosa saying Trump is "racial" but not a "racist" is like saying Hitler was "fanatical" but not a "fanatic."

President P***ygrabber's new book will be titled The Art of Copping a Feel.

There's a new movie in the works about the Trump-Bannon bromance: Fatal Detraction.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

The "Trump Effect" is sweeping the world like the shadows of Sauron's ring-wraiths rising over Mordor. Now multitudes of sociable, peace-loving Hobbits are endangered, especially the darker-skinned ones. Fortunately we don't have to risk our lives to defeat Orange Sauron and his trolls. All we have to do is vote.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" 

What goes around, comes around. Trump’s top policy adviser, Stephen Miller, has called out an “angry, vindictive person” whose “grotesque comments are so out of touch with reality.” While everyone will assume he's talking about his boss, Miller was actually chiding Steve Bannon. Which is like Saruman berating Gollum for not being nicer to baby Hobbits.—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

How incredibly intelligent is Trump? Let him explain the extent of his genius in his own words ...

I went to the best colleges for college!"—Donald J. Trump
I was a very excellent student!—Donald J. Trump
Actually, throughout my life, my two greatest assets have been mental stability, and being, like, really smart!—Donald J. Trump
I know words. I have the best words!—Donald J. Trump

Why are we not convinced?

Trump and his administration are also very challenged spellers: covfefe, tapp, councel, unpresidented, honered, Denmakr, thr, "here by" followed by "hearby" in an attempted correction, misspelling the name of British Prime Minister Theresa May three times, misspelling "attacker" as "attaker" twenty times, etc.

And Trump's ability to pronounce the "best words" is also highly questionable: yuge (for huge), diversary (for diversity), premedication (for premeditation), youfenism (for euphemism), Nahzees (for Nazis), rusher (for Russia), Mizzuria (for Missouri), Youtar (for Utah), Nuhvahduh (for Nevada), Jeruzu'um and Jerushalem (for Jerusalem), peninshula (for peninsula), internate (for internet), President Ulicious S. Grant, Two Corinthians, and even "God Bless the United Shates"!

Michael Moore threatened to begin fracking at Mar-a-Lago to protest Trump's decision to open nearly all U.S. offshore waters to drilling for oil and natural gas. "Our fracking off the coast of Mar-a-Lago begins right after Labor Day," Moore tweeted. "I’ve already got the rig — a beautiful Halliburton G-0008 fracking system with a monster Caterpillar engine!"

Trump will declare North Korea a state sponsor of terror.―New York Post
North Korea will declare Trump a pate tonsure of error.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

TIME magazine disputed Trump's claim that he turned down the opportunity to be TIME's person of the year, by pointing out that Trump is a walking, talking ego, not a "person" per se.

I'm a liberal, but I have to object! It is obviously fake news that Tweety Twump has no real accomplishments! In reality, Tweetle-Dumb has accomplished the impossible twice. After all, he made George W. Bush seem wise and Richard M. Nixon virtuous!

Tweety Twump is taking us from unpwecedented to unpwesidented.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Tweety lacks the power of reason, but he compensates with the power of TWEASON!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Tweety has a new plan to plan to advance his cartoonish "agenda." He will wally his twoupe around the twoops.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Tweety's no conservative; he's a conswervative (emphasis on "con").―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

It took Trump three decades to bust all his casinos, but he managed to shut down the US government in one year. What a dealmaker! Anyone tired of "winning" yet?

Trump "love" is such a curious thing ...
does he love our children half as much as bling?
—Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

It was a very touching scene when Donald Trump—gasping for breath on his political deathbed—begged Sludge Roy Moore to "Win one for the GROPER!"

Ah, so romantic! It was clearly a case of "love at first bite" when two political pod people—each a Preying Mantis—finally connected by entangling antennae while fully engaging masticating mandibles. It was as if creatures from Predator and Alien embraced, shared a slobbery wet kiss, vowed to "true" to one another, then started looking for warm-blooded humans to devour!

According to Trump, a black guy who shoplifts should be locked up for 10 years, a black guy who kneels during the anthem should be fired, and a white guy who repeatedly molests and propositions underage girls should be in the US Senate. But if a white guy gropes enough women and brags about it, he should be the American president!

Bonus Tracks

Stop obsessing over who is taking the knee. Ex-Trump advisor Carter Page has just taken the Fifth.―@GeorgeTakei (aka Mr. Sulu)

If you're sitting on a roof in Texas right now, please take comfort in knowing your president won Missouri. By a lot.―@stonekettle

Hurricane Donald was the third category 5 storm to hit Puerto Rico. The Donald was quick to remind hurricane-battered Puerto Ricans that his Wall Street friends (i.e., his donors) must be repaid. It's so nice to know that the world's most powerful man has his priorities in order! Trump tweeted: "Much of the Island was destroyed, with billions of dollars owed to Wall Street and the banks, which, sadly, must be dealt with." Yes, never mind the deaths, the orphans, the homeless. What really matters is that hedge fund managers and bankers get nice, fat paychecks!

"I have no reaction. The mayor's living on a cot, and I hope the President has a good day of golf." This was the response of Russel L. Honoré, the retired general appointed by Bush to take over the federal response to Katrina in 2005. (We think this one is especially worth copying and pasting, sharing and tweeting.)


Carmen Yulín Cruz is a hero.
Trump is a zero.
―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Donald Trump makes no sense. He claims to be a germaphobe, but then he brags about groping women's genitals! He's obviously repelled by the thought of women's body fluids, but where does he spend all his free time? Trump's like someone with hay fever who sleeps on a bed of straw, then can't understand why he's itching and sneezing all the time.

Trump is so divorced from the Truth, he should pay it alimony.―Elizabeth Harris Burch aka @Ladydragyn

Trump called for a boycott of the NFL, then immediately broke the boycott by watching the Cowboys play the Cardinals (he tweeted about watching the game).

White House lawyer Ty Cobb claimed that "it would be truly shocking" if Paul Manafort had "tried to monetize his relationship with the president." But why would that be so shocking, when Trump himself has blatantly monetized the presidency?

Ya gotta give Trump props for his remarkable consistency. He always says the worst possible thing at the worst possible time!

Once again, Trump has done the impossible. He turned a tough-as-nails Marine general into a serial face palmer during his U.N. speech.

Kathy Griffin has finally come to her senses! She now says that she doesn't regret her decapitated Trump photo. And let's be honest ... isn't decapitating Trump a guilty fantasy that we all secretly share?

I'm not sure the guy who holds fake press conferences, has a fake university, a fake foundation, fake hair, and a fake tan should be the one in charge of deciding what's real.—Seth Meyers

Putin' It All Together

Q: What do you call it when the Kremlin, Trump Tower and white nationalists unite?
A: Putin' on the Ritz Cracker.

Donald Trump Russia Jokes

Donald Trump crowned Vladimir Putin's girlfriend Miss Universe in 2002. What are the odds? Was it payback for loads of dirty laundry washed clean by Putin's rubles?

Trump whitens and brightens his money the old-fashioned way. He launders it.―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Let's hope Steve Bannon is as smart as he thinks he is. After his firing/resignation/ouster/whatever, Darth Bannon told the Weekly Standard that the Trump presidency is "over" without him. It was like Darth Vader saying, "Luke, I am no longer your Father and I want the key to the Death Star back!"―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

C'mon folks, please be fair! To call Trump a "lame duck" is an insult to handicapped waterfowl everywhere!

A recent poll indicates that 36% of Republicans still approve of Trump. In related news, scientists have just confirmed that 36% of Republicans are deaf, blind and very, very dumb!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition"

Ever wonder why Trump seems to be living on his Bedminster golf course these days? Turns out it's not because he loves golf, but because he considers the White House to be a "real dump." The White House was good enough for every president since John Adams, but not for King Trump the Toilet-Plater! 

After Trump repeatedly insisted that "both sides" were equally responsible for the violence at Charlottesville, CNN senior political analyst David Axelrod compared him to an out-of-control, runaway truck: "There are no brakes, there is no reverse."

As everyone knows (because he keeps reminding us), Trump only hires the very best people: for example, Mike "Dr. Strangelove" Flynn, Sean "Scary" Spicer, Reince "and Flush" Priebus and, of course, the Mooch. But really folks: is it Trump's fault that the very best people turn into human lemons as soon as they start working under him?

Personally, I'm still waiting for the winning, but the whining is getting old!―Michael R. Burch aka "The Loyal Opposition" 

Donald Trump is absolutely correct when he insists that there has been no "chaos" in the White House. The correct term is pandemonium, as in a chorus of demons.

Trump is proof positive that fact really is stranger than fiction. A lot stranger. YUGELY and BIGLY stranger.―Michael R. Burch

Are you tired of "winning" yet? North Korea just launched another ICBM. Trump meekly handed over Syria's fate to Assad and Putin. Mexico refuses to pay for the wall, which could easily be defeated with ladders and spades (not to mention boats, helicopters and planes). And tellingly, after seven years of damning Obamacare as the work of the Devil, it turns out that Trump and the GOP are clueless about coming up with anything remotely as good, much less better. However, despite all his failed promises, Trump did produce one major miracle, however unintentional: He managed to make Obamacare vastly more popular!

Trump fired James Comey for being too hard on Hillary Clinton. Now he wants to fire Jeff Sessions for not being hard enough on her! It's like someone gave Viagra to Pinocchio and it went straight to his nose!

Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I have complete power to pardon myself for treason!―Donald Trump

Let me be perfectly clear: I did not collude with Russia. Like Sgt. Schultz, I know nutthink!―Jared Kushner

"I am eager to share any disinformation I have with investigating bodies!―Jared "Eager Beaver" Kushner (BTW, investigating bodies is his father-in-law's favorite pastime!)

Trump's plan to "crack down" on Wall Street is to move Wall Street into the White House.―Trevor Noah, after Trump hired yet another Goldman Sachs hedge fund manager

Yes, if you can't drain the swamp, why not bring the crocodiles into your living room and let them work on their death rolls? How entertaining!

It seems that everything the Trumps sell is made abroad. Apparently funding Chinese and Mexican sweatshops is the way to "make America great again."

The Donald has two hard-and-fast rules that govern everything he does: He never accepts anyone else's mistakes and he never admits his own.―Michael R. Burch

Confucius say: Man who lives behind glass wall should stop exposing his enormous ass!

Condoofus say: In addition to big, beautiful glass ceilings for women, we need big, beautiful glass walls for Hispanics!―Michael R. Burch

Condoofus say: We need more big, beautiful bombs! Healthcare for babies and grannies? Not so much!―Michael R. Burch

Tsarzan say: Obamacare bad! Very bad! Tsarzan kill Obamacare, maybe kill Jane and Boy. But that okay because Obamacare bad!―Michael R. Burch

According to an ABC News/Washington Post poll, 24% of Americans think that Trump's tweets are "fitting and proper." Evidently 24% of Americans have no clue what the words "fitting" and "proper" mean.―Michael R. Burch

Q: How many Trump cabinet members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them ... and he's still in the dark!

Q: How can you get Trump to change a light bulb?
A: You don't. He just lies that he changed it, while all the Republicans sit in the dark and agree.

Q: What's the biggest difference between Trump's presidential campaign and his Miss America contests?
A: In Miss America contests, we get to pick from 50 candidates who all want world peace!

Q: What's the difference between the Trumps and professional criminals?
A: Professional criminals don't make up ridiculous excuses for things they deny having done.

Q: What does Trump say when he looks in the mirror?
A: Pardon me!

TrumpCare or TrumpedUpCare?

Irony of ironies, we may be saved from TrumpCare because four Republican senators―Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Ron Johnson and Mike Lee―don't think it will kill enough Americans, and thus may refuse to vote for it!

Our thoughts and prayers are with Paul Ryan, whose youthful dream of robbing poor people of their health coverage was dashed today.―@resnikoff

It's not just Lyin' Ryan whose most cherished dreams may be dashed. Trump seemed ecstatic at the thought of killing off less-fortunate Americans, calling TrumpedUpCare "a big, fat, beautiful negotiation" during the first meeting of his Cabinet at the White House.

The art of the AHCA deal: (1) Bargain in bad faith. (2) Fail. (3) Give up. (4) Blame someone else, preferably Democrats even though they were excluded from the negotiations. (5) Go play golf and cheat to "win."

TrumpCare is clearly a rush to fudgement!―Michael R. Burch

TrumpCare hashtags: #TrumpedUpCare #TrumpWealthCare #TrumpHellCare #DumpCare #DrumpfCare #DumbkopfCare #ChumpCare #LyinRyanDyinCare

Kremlingate aka Russiagate, Trumpgate and Comeygate

G.O.P. now stands for "Government of Putin" and it is clearly of Putin, by Putin and for Putin.―Michael R. Burch

The terse order to fire Comey came straight from Mr. Putin―"Nyet Comey!"―and was carried out by Acting President Jared "Jarhead" Kushner and Acting First Lady-Daughter Ivanka Trump-Kushner.

Now everyone is breathlessly awaiting word on who Putin will choose to replace FBI Director James Comey.―Gisele Dussault

Fact really is stranger than fiction. Morgan, Lewis & Bockius―the law firm advising Trump on handling his business conflicts―was named Russia's Law Firm of the Year in 2016!

Looking into money laundering around Trump is like investigating moisture in the middle of the ocean. — Mark Sumner

Trump telling the truth under oath would be as improbable as Moses parting the Red Sea, and would also require Divine Intervention.―Michael R. Burch

Featured Jokes (and Painful Observations)

A perv, a megalomaniacal fascist, a Russian spy and a con artist enter a bar together. The bartender looks up and asks, "What'll it be, President Trump?"

A new poll reveals that 61% of Americans think Trump is dishonest. In related news, scientists just discovered that 39% of Americans are deaf, blind and really, really dumb. — Michael R. Burch

Tom Brady skipped meeting Trump at the White House for "personal family matters." That is apparently top secret code for "My wife doesn't want me to endorse a racist, chauvinistic, p*ssy-groping fascist!"

Bill O'Reilly's podcasts will allow him to continue to reach the pod people.

Trump's position on climate change is "How can there be global warming when it's still so cold in my soul?" — Frankie Boyle

When Trump speaks, he sounds like a WWF wrestler plugging his next big match. — Ron Howard

Former Twitter CEO Frank Costolo compared meeting with Trump to being waterboarded.

Trump has the attention span of a gnat on meth.―GOP strategist Rick Wilson

Trump has the intellectual depth of a coat of paint.―Charles M. Blow

Mr. President, since all my success is clearly based on talking about you, if you really want to take me down, there’s an obvious way: Resign!―Stephen Colbert

A president going after someone telling jokes is unprecedented. That would be like Richard Nixon going after Alfred E. Neuman.―Stephen Colbert

Seventy-year-old men don't get less cranky or racist as time goes by ... Unless they happen to be visited by three spirits in the night!―Jon Stewart

Q: Why does Al Franken laugh whenever Trump speaks?
A: Because he knows a political joke when he hears one!

Maybe Trump meeting with crazy dictators isn't such a bad thing. We finally have a president who speaks fluent maniac.―Michael Che on SNL's Weekend Update

Emma Lazarus called Lady Liberty the "Mother of Exiles." Donald Trump has turned her into the "Smotherer of Exiles." — Michael R. Burch

Q: How does Donald Trump disprove Darwin's theory?
A: Trump quite obviously did not evolve.

Q: How does Donald Trump confirm Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
A: Everything is "relative" to Trump and his YUGE ego is warping our space and time.

Related pages: The Best Donald Trump Jokes, The Best Donald Trump Jokes Part 2, The Best Donald Trump Jokes Part 3, The Best Donald Trump Jokes Part 4, The Best Donald Trump Puns, The Best Donald Trump Limericks, The Best Donald Trump Nursery Rhymes, The Best Donald Trump Insults, 2016 Republican First Presidential Debate, Is there a Republican War on Women?, The Donald Trump Bible, The Best Ted Cruz Jokes, Conservatives Who Support Gay Marriage, Donald Trump Nicknames, Trump 45 Nicknames, Ten Reasons to "Fire" Donald Trump, Donald Trump's "Muslim Friends", Where Have All the Birthers Gone?, The Best Ted Cruz Jokes, Ted Cruz Nicknames, Is Ted Cruz an Anchor Baby?, More Donald Trump Jokes, Is Donald Trump a Fascist?, Donald Trump Trivia, Donald Trump: 666 Mark of the Beast, Is Ted Cruz the Antichrist?, Marco Rubio Nicknames, Is Donald Trump the Antichrist?, Donald Trump Violence Quotes, Trump Trivia, Donald Trump in his Own Words: Fact-Checking Trump, Donald Trump Funny Campaign Slogans and Parodies, Donald Trump Halloween Ideas, The Best and Worst Tweets Ever, Donald Trump Tweets, Donald Trump Nicknames for his Cabinet, Family, Friends, Associates and Supporters, Famous Nicknames, Jared Kushner Nicknames, Rudy Giuliani Nicknames, Judge Roy Moore Nicknames, Betsy DeVos Nicknames, Chris Christie Nicknames, Sidney Powell Nicknames, Nancy Pelosi Nicknames, Joe Biden Nicknames, The Best Donald Trump Russia Jokes, Trump Christmas, Donald Trump Sexism Timeline/Chronology, Donald Trump Fears, Did Sir Walter Raleigh Prophesy Donald Trump?, Is Donald Trump a Christian?, Donald Trump Russia Quotes, Donald Trump Russia Gog Magog, James Mattis Resignation Quotes, Delusional Donald Trump Quotes, Donald Trump Hypocrisy, Famous Lies and Liars, Donald Trump 'Diaper Don' Nicknames

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