The HyperTexts

Famous Comebacks
Famous Rejoinders, Ripostes and Repartee

John Lennon had the perfect comeback when anyone questioned his chosen art ...



Before Elvis, there was nothing. — John Lennon

Is This the Single Best Comeback of All Time?

When Jack Youngblood, an all-pro defensive end for the L.A. Rams, told his trainers that he intended to play football on a broken leg, one of them opined:

"You're crazier than a sprayed cockroach!"

Or how about this one, when Ring Lardner was asked about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald:

Scott is a novelist and Zelda is a novelty. — Ring Lardner

The following famous comebacks and rejoinders are among the best in the English language. The champions of verbal repartee and banter include famous wits like Woody Allen, Aristotle, Tallulah Bankhead (the inspiration for Cruella de Vil), Yogi Berra, Lord Byron, Catherine the Great, Johnny Carson, George Carlin, Winston Churchill, Jay Leno, David Letterman, Bill Maher, Groucho Marx, Marilyn Monroe, Dorothy Parker, Richard Pryor, Don Rickles, Joan Rivers, Will Rogers, William Shakespeare, Mark Twain, Lao Tzu, Voltaire, Mae West, Oscar Wilde, Robin Williams and Jonathan Winters. 

compiled by Michael R. Burch

The Divine Oscar Wilde once insulted another Divinity and his disciples...



I believe God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability. — Oscar Wilde

Q: What do you call it when a Man-Baby takes over the American government?
A: Coup d'Tot
—Michael R. Burch

A famous stripper knew how to put her competitors in their proper place ...



She's descended from a long line her mother listened to. — Gypsy Rose Lee

Rising/Trending Rejoinders

After Tiger Woods completed one of the most stunning comebacks in sports history by winning the 2019 Masters, he came up with another kind of comeback. When asked if he was excited about the upcoming ceremony, Tiger quipped:

"Yeah, I'm excited about show and tell at school."

Classic Comebacks: The Best Repartee and Banter of All Time

These are sterling examples of witty verbal repartee, or banter:

Lady Astor: Winston, you're drunk!
Winston Churchill: But I shall be sober in the morning and you, madam, will still be ugly.

Lady Astor: Mr. Churchill, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your tea.
Winston Churchill: Madam, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.

An irate British MP: Mr. Prime Minister, must you fall asleep while I'm speaking?
Winston Churchill: No, it's purely voluntary.

A British MP: Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease!
Benjamin Disraeli: That depends, sir, on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress!

FOOTE NOTE: The originator of the insult above may be Samuel Foote.

Clare Boothe Luce: Age before beauty, Miss Parker!
As Dorothy Parker swept out, she turned to bystanders and countered: "Pearls before swine!"

Male Boor: I can't abide fools!
Dorothy Parker: Apparently your mother could!

Lewis Morris: There's a conspiracy against me, a conspiracy of silence. What should I do?
Oscar Wilde: Join it.

Pericles: When I was your age, Alcibiades, I talked just the way you are talking now.
Alcibiades: If only I had known you, Pericles, when you were at your best!

William Faulkner: Hemingway has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
Ernest Hemingway: Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?

Shocked Aristocratic Lady: Dr. Johnson, your penis is sticking out!
Dr. Samuel Johnson: Madame, you flatter yourself. It's HANGING out.

Noel Coward: Edna, you look almost like a man!
Edna Ferber: So do you!

Actress: "I enjoyed reading your book. Who wrote it for you?" 
Ilka Chase: "Darling, I'm so glad that you liked it! Who read it for you?"

Reporter: Coach, what do you think of your team's execution?
Yogi Berra: I'm all for it.

A friend rubbing Nicholas Longworth's bald head: Nice and smooth, feels just like my wife's bottom!
Longworth, rubbing his head: Indeed, it does!

Female Fan: Mr. Joyce, may I kiss the hand that wrote Ulysses?
James Joyce: No, it did a lot of other things, too.

Reporter: Mr. Coolidge, someone bet me it's impossible to get more than two words out of you!
Calvin Coolidge: You lose.

Rising/Trending Rejoinders

President Trump responded to the coronavirus outbreak by (among other things) promising it would go away by itself, playing golf, blaming China, blaming the media, blaming Democrats, lying about it, attempting to bribe Germany’s vaccine industry and saying he’s responding to it perfectly.―USA Today

It turns out that in a time of crisis a conman is not up to the task.―Rolling Stone

When the going gets tough, Terrible Ted Cruz gets going ... to the warmth and safety of the Cancún Ritz Carlton! — Michael R. Burch
Justice may be blind, but does she have to be deaf too? — Michael R. Burch
There is nothing at all supreme, nor anything remotely just, about Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas. — Michael R. Burch

More Classic Comebacks

Chauvinistic men have often insulted women, but how about this savage rejoinder:

Cars are like men. It's much better to have a couple on standby in case one breaks down. — Tallulah Bankhead

Gina Lollobrigida was Italy's top female star—just ask Gina Lollobrigida. In her heyday, Lollobrigida was often compared to Sophia Loren, but Gina was having none of it: "We are as different as a fine racehorse and a goat!" she was happy to explain. On another occasion, when Loren asserted that her bust was superior to Lollobrigida's, Gina shot back with the observation that "Sophia Loren plays peasants. I play ladies." Even in her eighties the feisty Lollobrigida continued to insist that she had always been the real numero uno while Loren had relied on the propaganda of her husband/producer, Carlo Ponti.

Humphrey Bogart will be our tiebreaker, as he once opined that Gina Lollobrigida was so hot she made “Marilyn Monroe look like Shirley Temple.”

Javier Rigau y Rafols arranged to marry Gina Lollobrigida by proxy despite being 24 years younger. (She admitted that she had a weakness for younger men.) Gina attempted to call off the proxy wedding, saying: “Javier is desperate. Ever since we have announced this wedding, he has been tormented with lies and slander. He can’t take it anymore.” Rigau, however, went ahead with their wedding, using a stand-in for Gina. In a press conference, Gina referred to Rigau as “this vile person” and dismissed the proxy marriage as a “vulgar fraud.” But Rigau's lawyer insisted the proxy wedding was legal, explaining: “You have to remember that Gina is 85 so she sometimes has trouble remembering things.” Gina responded by dumping Rigau for a man (or boy) 58 years her junior. Gina had the last word by saying of Rigau: There was nothing between us ... I will destroy the son of a bitch.”

I am compelled to award the all-time rejoinder championship to Gina Lollobrigida!

Is This the Single Best Insult of Recent Times?

Donald Trump has a much bigger problem than the press, because he's pissed off people with real power. Actual witches do NOT want to be associated with The Donald and have insisted that he stop using the term witch hunt. "To have him compare his situation to the worst period in our history is just infuriating," Kitty Randall told the Daily Beast. Some witches—including a coven in Brooklyn—have taken to casting spells on the commander-in-chief. But most sorcerers are still biding their time, according to Randall.

We have been told by sources of all stripes they they don't want to be compared to Trump either: skunks, polecats, hyenas, jackals, horny toads, spitting cobras ... the list is endless!

Or how about this comeback, addressed by Pete Buttigieg, who is gay, to homophobic "vice" president Mike Pence:

"Your quarrel, sir, is with my CREATOR!"

Insults: To Trump or be Trumped, that is the Question!

Trump insulted women right and left, using highly offensive terms like "pigs," "dogs," "disgusting animals," "bimbos" and "gold diggers."
Trump insulted women everywhere by bragging about groping "pussy" and doing "anything" he wants to "beautiful pieces of ass" because he's rich and famous.
Trump insulted women for aging: "Sometimes I do go a little bit far," he admitted, adding after a moment: "Heidi Klum? Sadly, she's no longer a ten!"
Trump insulted John McCain and all POWs: "He's not a war hero. He's a war hero because he was captured. I like people that weren't captured." (Trump avoided capture in the Vietnam War via unheroic draft deferments.)
Trump insulted America's war dead in France, calling them "losers" and "suckers."
Trump insulted America's top generals, calling them "dopes" and "babies."
Trump insulted God Almighty and the Christian faith by claiming to be a "perfect person" with "no faults" and saying that he never asks God for forgiveness.
Trump insulted Holy Communion and the Body and Blood of Jesus Christ by calling Holy Communion his "little wine" and "little cracker."
Trump body-shamed 1996 Miss Universe Alicia Machado, calling her Miss Piggy, Miss Eating Machine and Miss Housecleaning (apparently that's all Latinas are good for, according to The Donald).
Trump insulted Mexican immigrants: "They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists. ... And some, I assume, are good people."

Then on September 15, 2017 the Twitterverse exploded with Steve Bannon's and Breitbart's accusation that Trump is "AMNESTY DON"! Turnabout, after all, being fair play in love, war and political shame-games.

The Best Donald Trump Jokes

When the going gets tough, Trump gets going ... to the golf course. — Michael R. Burch
These days Trump's fraudian slip is always showing. — Michael R. Burch
tRUMP is the butt of many jokes. — Michael R. Burch

Who was the world champion insulter of all time?

The Bard of Avon! Here are just a few of the many colorful insults William Shakespeare employed in his poems and plays: abomination, apish, arch-villain, artless, baggage (prostitute), bald-pated, barren-spirited, beast-eating (immature, unweaned), bed-presser (a heavy, lazy person), beef-witted (dumb as a cow), beslubbering (slobbering), blockhead (slow, thick-skulled), boiled-brains (hothead), braggart, bugbear (bogey), bull's pizzle (penis), calumniating (lying), cautelous (deceitful), capocchia (foreskin), churlish (vulgar), clay-brained (stupid), codpiece (penis pouch), coldblooded, concupiscible (lustful), cornuto (cuckold), costermonger (fruit seller), cot-quean (man who does a woman's job), covetous, coxcomb (egomaniac), cozener (cheater), cruddy (thick), cuckoldy (sap) ... and those are just the ABC's of Shakespeare's insults!

Famous Self-Insulters: the Art of Self-Deprecation

Insanity doesn't run in my family; it gallops. — Cary Grant
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? — Abraham Lincoln
I refuse to belong to any club that would accept me as a member. — Groucho Marx
I'm so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word I'm saying. — Oscar Wilde
When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother! — Rodney Dangerfield

The Top Ten Insults of All Time ... Oh, Hell ... Make It a Baker's Dozen!

If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to be a horrible warning. — Catherine the Great
A fool and his money are soon elected. — Will Rogers, perhaps prophesying the rise of Donald Trump?
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. Now suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. — Mark Twain
Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason. — Mark Twain
I believe God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability. — Oscar Wilde



I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. — Groucho Marx
She's descended from a long line her mother listened to. — Gypsy Rose Lee



There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages. — Mark Twain
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. — Oscar Wilde
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. — Abraham Lincoln
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. — Marilyn Monroe
The problem with most women is that they get all excited about nothing, then marry him. — Cher (photo below)



The following is best ironic insult of all time, in my opinion. I would like to dedicate it to people who deny climate change, or admit it but refuse to do anything about it:

If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading. — Lao Tzu

Here's an insult directed at "polite society," which is anything but, as Americans are learning the hard way today:

Society is now one polish’d horde,
Form’d of two mighty tribes, the Bores and Bored.
—Lord Byron in his epic farce "Don Juan"

And here's one I especially like, to be used when men's eyes wander inappropriately:

Young man, if God had wanted you to see me that way, he would have put your eyes in your bellybutton. — Lillian Gish (photo below)



Here's one that insults male-ego-dominated Hollywood, in general:

The actresses were just scenery. The stories all revolved around the male actors; they really had the choice roles. All the actresses had to do was to look lovely, since the dialogue was ridiculous. — Anne Savage



One of my favorite epigrammists is a famous actress who was much smarter and wiser than many of her fans realized. She seemed to agree with Anne Savage:

I've often stood silent at a party for hours listening to my movie idols turn into dull and little people. — Marilyn Monroe



Nickelback has been nominated as the most despised and/or hated band of all time. When comedian Brian Posehn was discussing a study that tied violent lyrics to violent behavior, he quipped, "No one talks about the studies that show that bad music makes people violent, like [listening to] Nickelback makes me want to kill Nickelback." One critic opined that using the song "Rockstar" in a cheesy furniture ad proved that Nickelback doesn't understand "the difference between a band and a jukebox." The Kensington Police Department threatened to punish DUI offenders by making them listen to Nickelback on their way to jail. David Grohl, of Nirvana and Foo Fighters fame, tweeted: "If you play a Nickelback song backwards you'll hear messages from the Devil. Even worse, if you play it forward you'll hear Nickelback." There is a Facebook page called called "Can This Pickle Get More Fans Than Nickelback?" According to The Guardian, the pickle had more fans than the band's Facebook page. When I googled "most hated bands," sure enough the first name I found was Nickelback.

Creed has been accused of being "Nickelback before there was Nickelback."

John Lennon insulted the Savior of the World when he said of the Beatles: "We're more popular than Jesus now."

The Divine Oscar Wilde and other heretics have insulted God Almighty and the major religions:

I believe God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability. — Oscar Wilde

Belief in a cruel God makes a cruel man.―Thomas Paine, dissing the Bible's Yahweh/Jehovah

Paine's remark seems like an obvious dig at religions like Christianity which claim that only believers in the "true faith" can enter heaven. Only an incredibly cruel and unjust God would remain hidden, forcing human beings to guess which religion is the "true" one, sending all the poor people who guessed wrong to a place where they will suffer forever. Here's another epigram in a similar vein:

How can one live without grace? One has to do what Christianity never did: be concerned with the damned. — Albert Camus

How can compassionate people be happy in heaven, knowing their brothers and sisters are suffering in hell? Should mothers and fathers turn their backs on their own children if they chose to think independently and not believe in the need for "salvation" at such an exorbitant price? While it may not be PC to criticize religions and their gods, I think Paine and Camus made very good points in their epigrams.

Here are more of my favorite insults, by masters of the genre:

My writings oft displease you: what’s the matter?
You love not to hear truth, nor I to flatter.
—Sir John Harrington

Thy Friendship oft has made my heart to ache ...
Do be my Enemy for Friendship's sake!
—William Blake

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. — Mark Twain
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. — Winston Churchill
They don't hardly make 'em like him any more, but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway.―Hunter S. Thompson
Boy George is all England needs: another queen who can't dress. — Joan Rivers
The whole Michael Jackson thing was my fault. I told him to date only twenty-eight-year-olds. Who knew he would find twenty of them? — Joan Rivers

Sometimes an entire nation becomes the butt of an insult:

In Russia a man is called reactionary if he objects to having his property stolen and his wife and children murdered.―Winston Churchill
Americans always try to do the right thing, after they've tried everything else first.―Winston Churchill
The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet. — Mark Twain
If the US consulted a competent headshrinker, it might boil down to nothing more than hot air and delusions. — Michael R. Burch
Canada is a country so square that even the female impersonators are women.―Richard Brenner
France is a country where the money falls apart but you can't tear the toilet paper.―Billy Wilder
The German mind has a talent for making no mistakes but the very greatest.―Clifton Fadiman
In America, only the successful writer is important, in France all writers are important, in England no writer is important, and in Australia you have to explain what a writer is.―Geoffrey Cottrell
The Italians should never, ever have been let in on the invention of the motor car.―Bill Bryson
The Japanese have perfected good manners and made them indistinguishable from rudeness.―Paul Theroux
The problem with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius, but with absolutely no talent.―Hugh Leonard
England, the heart of a rabbit in the body of a lion. The jaws of a serpent, in an abode of popinjays.―Eugene Deschamps
Curse the blasted, jelly-boned swines, the slimy, the belly-wriggling invertebrates, the miserable soddingrotters, the flaming sods, the sniveling, dribbling, dithering, palsied, pulse-less lot that make up England today. They've got white of egg in their veins, and their spunk is so watery it's a marvel they can breed.―D. H. Lawrence

Sometimes a state can become the butt of an insult:

If Minnesota were to secede from the United States, they would become Minnie-sota. — Michael R. Burch
If Texas were to secede from the United States, they would become Tax-us. — Michael R. Burch
If Mississippi were to secede from the United States, they would hardly be missed. — Michael R. Burch
South Carolina's state motto is: "If at first you don’t secede, try, try again."
Now that he's relocated Donald Trump should run for governor of Florida. After all, he was voted "most likely to secede." — Michael R. Burch
Ted Cruz will launch his new Texas senatorial campaign to the strains of Coldplay's, "When you try your best but you don't secede." — Michael R. Burch

Now, in order to prove that the insult is not a dying art form, here are some of my favorite zingers about recent events and personalities, including recent presidential candidates:

Bob Dole once called the reunion of ex-presidents Carter, Ford, and Nixon "See No Evil, Hear No Evil, and Evil."
Being called a traitor by Dick Cheney is the highest honor you can give an American. — Edward Snowden
Sarah Palin can't put thoughts together; she just spews talking points in random order. — Cenk Uygur
Halloween is a day when we all get to fool people into thinking we're someone else. Or, as Mitt Romney calls it, campaigning. — Bill Maher
Hookers in Times Square, god bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions. — David Letterman
Sarah Palin couldn't name a single newspaper she reads, which wouldn't be so bad, except that her major was journalism. — Jay Leno
If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drilling rights on George Bush's head. — Jim Hightower
George Bush is proof that you can be totally impervious to the effects of a Harvard and Yale education. — Barney Frank
George W. Bush is a gift to comedy, a comedy piñata. I'm going to miss him. — Robin Williams
Mitt Romney is about to face his fiercest ideological opponent: himself four years ago. — Conan O'Brien
Joni Ernst is an "onion of crazy."―Debbie Wasserman-Schultz

Then there are the kings of unintentional comedy, who become the butts of their own absurd utterances:

He's not a war hero. He was a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren't captured.―Donald Trump, explaining why John McCain and other POWs are not heroes in his eyes
I have a great relationship with the blacks.―Donald Trump (perhaps the fact that he calls them "the blacks" suggests that the relationship is not all that "great")
Bring 'em on!―George "Dubya" Bush, inviting terrorists to attack Americans, even though he hid like a frightened rabbit during the 9-11 attacks
Oh, no, we're not going to have any casualties.―George "Dubya" Bush
We will, in fact, be greeted as liberators.―Dick "the Penguin" Cheney
With every advance by our coalition forces, the wisdom of [our] plan becomes more apparent.―Dick "the Penguin" Cheney
Deficits don't matter.―Dick "the Penguin" Cheney
I don't do quagmires.―Donald "Rummy" Rumsfeld
I can't tell you if the use of force in Iraq today will last five days, five weeks or five months, but it won't last any longer than that.―Donald "Rummy" Rumsfeld
You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.―George "Dubya" Bush
Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?―George "Dubya" Bush
Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.―George "Dubya" Bush

Bill Maher suggests that we toss the entire Republican party on the political trash heap, like reeking refuse: "Everything Republicans say can't or won't work—gun control, immigration reform, high-speed rail—California is making work. And everything conservatives claim will unravel the fabric of our society—universal healthcare, higher taxes on the rich, gay marriage, medical marijuana—has only made California stronger. And all we had to do to accomplish that was vote out every single Republican!"

Conformists of a feather
flock together.
—Michael R. Burch

Did I grab your attention? If so, you may find this page worth exploring, because it contains some of the greatest insults, comebacks, rejoinders and verbal repartee of all time, along with information about the various genres of epigrams and the endlessly fascinating people who came up with them. I have worked with the interests of students young and old in mind, so if you want to learn more about epigrams and would like to do so by reading the exemplars, hopefully you have found the right "launching pad." Let me begin with a question ...

What do Woody Allen, Aristotle, Yogi Berra, Catherine the Great, Winston Churchill, e. e. cummings, Albert Einstein, Ben Franklin, Martial, Groucho Marx, Dorothy Parker, Dolly Parton, Will Rogers, Jonathan Swift, Mark Twain, Voltaire and Oscar Wilde have in common?

Answer: They all tossed out blistering insults the way Waffle House cooks sling hot hash!

Good insults are short and hard-hitting, like a boxer's best stiff jabs. And the best insults and rejoinders are funny as hell. I will take as my watchwords:

Brevity is the soul of wit. — William Shakespeare

And while one takes one's literary life into his hands when he attempts to go beyond the Masters, in the spirit of "nothing ventured, nothing gained" please allow me to suggest that:

If brevity is the soul of wit
then brevity and levity
are the whole of it.
—Michael R. Burch


Here are some more impressive examples of the fine art of the insult:

She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat bin. — Will Rogers
If William Gladstone fell into the Thames, that would be a misfortune. If anybody pulled him out, that would be a calamity. — Benjamin Disraeli
Richard Nixon inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them. — James Reston
Voltaire said that after reading Jean-Jacques Rousseau, who lauded the virtues of the noble savage, "one feels like crawling on all fours."
His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open. — Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable)
Rudyard Kipling … stands for everything in this cankered world which I would wish were otherwise. — Dylan Thomas
There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Alexander Pope. — Oscar Wilde
Every time I read Pride and Prejudice, I want to dig Jane Austen up and hit her over the skull with her own shin-bone. — Mark Twain
Ulysses is the work of a queasy undergraduate scratching his pimples. — Virginia Woolf (about James Joyce)
Once you've put one of his [Henry James's] books down, you simply can't pick it up again. — Mark Twain

He is mad, bad and dangerous to know. — Lady Caroline Lamb (speaking of Lord Byron, the famous poet and rake; I believe this was probably more of a compliment than an insult, as I have the distinct impression that Miss Lamb would have hopped into bed with Byron without much protest)

Mike Ross, an Arkansas Democrat, dismissed Asa Hutchinson, his Republican opponent, quipping: "He may be the only lawyer in America who has conducted a trial with his brother on the jury and lost."

Some insults are so witty and sly that the objects, in this case male chauvinists, may still not know what hit them:

Men seldom make passes
At girls who wear glasses.
—Dorothy Parker

However, some of the "targets" may be witty and sly enough to mount suitable rejoinders, as in this poem entitled "A Riposte to Dorothy Parker":

You're wrong—we'll make passes
At girls who wear glasses
As long as they're lasses
With cute, curvy asses.
—Joseph S. Salemi

Dorothy Parker's epigram, called a spoonerism, is a stellar example of raillery, which has been defined as "light, teasing banter," "gentle mockery" and "good-humored satire or ridicule." It is also a good example of drollery: something whimsically comical. Raillery can be both wonderfully funny, and wonderfully effective:

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. — Catherine the Great
There is no glory in outstripping donkeys. — Marcus Valerius Martial
I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion. — Robert Louis Stevenson
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. — Ashleigh Brilliant

Here's another spoonerism that I especially like, by one of my favorite poets:

Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. — Ernest Dowson

Other insults are much balder and might earn sobriquets like: tomfoolery, buffoonery, mummery, a chestnut, a gag, a ha-ha, a jape, a jest, a lark, a rib, a sally, a quirk, a whim, a vagary. A common form today is the comic's one-liner, or quip:

Take my wife ... please! — Henny Youngman, later adopted by Rodney Dangerfield as his signature line
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. — Mae West
Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses. — Elizabeth Taylor
She's the sort of person who lives for others; you can tell the others by their haunted expression. — C. S. Lewis

An epithet is a term used to define or characterize someone or something. In Homer's day epithets were often complimentary, sometimes sublimely so. Now epithets are generally non-complimentary, if not downright offensive. Modern epithets often descend into derogatory slang and racial invective. But in the hands of a master epigrammatist like Will Rogers, they can still be sublime, in effect:

An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's. — Will Rogers
Make crime pay. Become a lawyer. — Will Rogers
A fool and his money are soon elected. — Will Rogers
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. — Will Rogers

A sub-genre of the epithet consists of racial, ethnic or cultural ribbing. Where I live in the South we poke fun at ourselves and our neighbors with "hillbilly humor":

You know you're a redneck if your family tree don't fork. — Unknown
You know you're a redneck if your cars sit on blocks and your "house" has wheels. — Unknown

Another genre engages in parody and lampooning. Here's one I hope to someday include it in a book of poems to be titled Why I Left the Religious Right:

I've got Jesus's name on a wallet insert
and "Hell is for Queers" on the back of my shirt
and I uphold the Law,
for grace has a flaw:
the Church must have someone to drag through the dirt.
—Michael R. Burch

Some epigrams contain both vital wisdom and sparkling humor. Such an epigram can be the salvo a brilliant, battle-savvy epigrammatist launches against human ignorance, intolerance, cruelty and insanity:

There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages. — Mark Twain

When we consider the expensive, bloody follies of the U.S. government in the Middle East, we can only wish our politicians had heeded Will Rogers:

If there is one thing that we do worse than any other nation, it is try and manage somebody else's affairs. — Will Rogers

Following in the same vein of questioning whether human beings are using their advanced brains to "think" when they do such things as wage war, here are two epigrams dripping with irony by one of my favorite contemporary writers:

Thinking is often claimed but seldom proven. —  T. Merrill
It must be hard being brilliant with no way to prove it. —  T. Merrill

The great epigrammatists often arise from the ranks of the disaffected and oppressed. Oscar Wilde, perhaps the greatest epigrammatist of them all, served time in Reading Gaol for "indecency" (he had the temerity to be flamboyantly gay). Mark Twain wrote volumes exposing and expounding on the massive illogic of orthodox Christianity (he had the temerity to be a heretic, but had to hold up the publication of his anti-Christian opus Letters from the Earth for fifty years after his death, in order to protect his family from hellfire-spouting Christian fundamentalists). Einstein produced many of his epigrams against the backdrop of Nazi Germany (he had the temerity to be a brilliant Jew). Today many of our best epigrammatists are women who combine sharp minds with even sharper tongues:

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. — Maryon Pearson
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. — Carrie Snow
If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. — Margaret Thatcher

Here's a similar epigram that I absolutely love, although it creates something of a dichotomy:

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. — Elayne Boosler

Female politicians like Margaret Thatcher may be somewhat at odds (or loose ends) with female comedians like Elayne Boosler, since Thatcher wasn't above an invasion herself (of the Falkland Islands). But Boosler hammers the human funnybone nonetheless. She doesn't have to be perfect, just witty and succinct enough to make us blink, then think.

The stupendous epigrams above prove women's brains are every bit as good as men's, as they extract Eve's revenge at the expense of men's prehistoric prejudices. Here's my favorite epigram in this genre:

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. — Charlotte Whitton

A great female epigrammatist can use her razor-sharp wit to deflate bigotry:

I'm not offended by dumb blonde jokes because I'm not dumb, and also I'm not blonde. — Dolly Parton

Has anyone ever made a better case for the combinatory advantages of brains, wigs and peroxide? (I will refrain from mentioning Dolly's other, even more glamorous advantages.)

Yogi Berra made a scathing point about people who think they know more than they actually do:

There are some people who, if they don't already know, you can't tell 'em. — Yogi Berra

There can be wisdom to be found in a wise man's insults; this one is aimed at hypocrites:

Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits. — Mark Twain

The British are past experts at the art of witty verbal repartee. Here's an exchange between George Bernard Shaw and Winston Churchill:

Shaw: "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend ... if you have one."
Churchill, in response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one."

And then there is gossip:

If you can’t say something good about someone, sit right here by me. — Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Insults and derision can also be aimed at inanimate objects, such as religion, religious institutions and texts:

If God
is good
half the Bible
is libel.
—Michael R. Burch

More Outstanding Insults

Here's another one that might have been written with Trump in mind:

To argue with a man who has renounced the use and authority of reason, and whose philosophy consists in holding humanity in contempt, is like administering medicine to the dead, or endeavoring to convert an atheist by scripture. — Thomas Paine

She is a peacock in everything but beauty.―Oscar Wilde
He is useless on top of the ground; he aught to be under it, inspiring the cabbages.―Mark Twain
He never chooses an opinion; he just wears whatever happens to be in style.―Leo Tolstoy
He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.―George Bernard Shaw
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.―Groucho Marx
If all the girls who attended Yale were laid end to end, I wouldn't be surprised.―Dorothy Parker
That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.―Dorothy Parker
In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.―Charles, Count Talleyrand
She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people.―Robertson Davies
The finest woman that ever walked the streets.―Mae West
There goes the famous good time that was had by all.―Bette Davis
The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.―George Bernard Shaw
You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.―Aristophanes
He had delusions of adequacy.―Walter Kerr
He is a man of splendid abilities but utterly corrupt. He shines and stinks like rotten mackerel by moonlight.―John Randolph
He is a self-made man and worships his creator.―John Bright
He is the same old sausage, fizzing and sputtering in his own grease.―Henry James
He was a bit like a corkscrew. Twisted, cold and sharp.―Kate Cruise O'Brien
I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.―Mark Twain
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.―Ashleigh Brilliant

Literary critics can be champion insulters:

Ezra Pound “has taken all culture for his province, and is naturally a little provincial about it.—Randall Jarrell
W. H. Auden has become “a rhetoric-mill grinding away at the bottom of Limbo."—Randall Jarrell
After reading Under Sirius another poet is likely to feel, "Well, back to my greeting cards."—Randall Jarrell
If poetry were nothing but texture, Dylan Thomas would be as good as any poet alive.—Randall Jarrell

Adam Gopnik called Randall Jarrell the “best-equipped” American poetry critic of the past century and he may have been the “best quipped” as well. — Michael R. Burch

The Oscar Goes to Wilde: Epigrams by the Divine Oscar Wilde

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
He would stab his best friend for the sake of writing an epigram on his tombstone.
She is a peacock in everything but beauty.
A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.
I believe God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability.
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people we personally dislike.
Self-denial is the shining sore on the leprous body of Christianity.
Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.
The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable we are compelled to alter it every six months.
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decencies without civilization in between.
To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity.
Do not speak ill of society ... only people who can't get in do that.
Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone in good society holds exactly the same opinion.
Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat.
A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
How marriage ruins a man! It is as demoralizing as cigarettes, and far more expensive.
Men always want to be a woman's first love; women like to be a man's last romance.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Deceiving others: that is what the world calls a romance.
Only the dull are brilliant at breakfast.
Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
Only the shallow know themselves.
Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow.
The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
Why was I born with such contemporaries?

If, with the literate, I am
Impelled to try an epigram,
I never seek to take the credit;
We all assume that Oscar said it.
—Dorothy Parker

If every witty thing that’s said was true,
Oscar Wilde, the world would worship You!
—Michael R. Burch

The Twain Well Met: Epigrams by Mark Twain

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. Now suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
There is probably no distinctly American criminal class, except Congress.
His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere.
He is useless on top of the ground; he aught to be under it, inspiring the cabbages.
I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
Take the lies out of him and he'll shrink to the size of your hat; take the malice out of him, and he'll disappear.
To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and less trouble.
Always do right. That will gratify some of the people, and astonish the rest.
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.
It's not the parts of the Bible that I don't understand that bother me, it's the parts I do understand.
A banker lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do, you are misinformed.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after, he knows too little.
Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.
The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages.

The Elegant Epigrams and Side-Splitting Spoonerisms of Dorothy Parker

Men seldom make passes
At girls who wear glasses.

That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B. [speaking of Katharine Hepburn]

Right on the Marx: the Epigrams of Groucho Marx

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
Time wounds all heels.
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?
Don't point that beard at me, it might go off.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions — the curtain was up.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend ro read it.

Mayday: The Epigrams of Mae West

The finest woman that ever walked the streets.
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
She's the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success — wrong by wrong.
He's the kind of man who picks his friends — to pieces.

Wincin' at Winston: the Epigrams and Repartee of Winston Churchill

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
There but for the grace of God, goes God.
He is a sheep in sheep's clothing. [speaking of Clement Attlee]
He is a modest man, with much to be modest about. [speaking of Clement Attlee]

Lady Astor: "Winston, you're drunk!"
Winston Churchill: "But I shall be sober in the morning and you, madam, will still be ugly."
Lady Astor: "Mr Churchill, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your tea."
Winston Churchill: "Madam, if I were your husband, I'd drink it."

George Bernard Shaw, to Winston Churchill: "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend ... if you have one."
Winston Churchill, in response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one."

Moore Succinct: the Epigrams of Richard Moore

Nowadays we make quick work of our courtships; it's our divorces that we spend a lot of time on.
When I read Homer, I sometimes have the feeling that we have been starving to death for 3,000 years.
It's amazing what modern arts audiences nowadays will put up with. What a little pretentiousness won't do!

Humor Equals Wit Times Genius Squared: The Epigrams of Albert Einstein

Whoever set himself up as a judge of Truth is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the former.
Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds.

Epigrams Reign: Michel de Montaigne

Nothing is so firmly believed as that which least is known.
Man cannot make a worm, yet he will make gods by the dozen.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
No man is a hero to his own valet.
The way of the world is to make laws, but follow custom.
Marriage: a market which has nothing free but the entrance.
Fashion is the science of appearances, and it inspires one with the desire to seem rather than to be.
Our religion is made to eradicate vices, instead it encourages them, covers them, and nurtures them.

Sports Shorts

Joe Namath, roasting Dean Martin: I'm known for the long bomb and Dean ... well he's been bombed for a long time.
There are some people who, if they don't already know, you can't tell 'em. — Yogi Berra
So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face. — Yogi Berra

Epigrammatic Poems about Poets and Poetry:

Poets aren't very useful
Because they aren't consumeful or produceful.
—Ogden Nash

Readers and listeners praise my books;
You swear they're worse than a beginner's.
Who cares? I always plan my dinners
To please the diners, not the cooks.
—Martial, translated by R. L. Barth

Though Edgar Poe writes a lucid prose
Just and rhetorical without exertion,
It loses all lucidity, God knows,
In the single, poorly rendered English version.
—Thom Gunn

Pierced by Bierce: Epigrams by Ambrose Bierce

Applause, n. The echo of a platitude.
Bigot, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.
Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
Saint, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.

The Death of Class

I am his Highness' dog at Kew;
Pray tell me, sir, whose dog are you?
—Alexander Pope

Her whole life is an epigram: smack smooth, and neatly penned,
Platted quite neat to catch applause, with a sliding noose at the end.
—William Blake

Errors and Terrors

Treason doth never prosper; what's the reason?
For if it prosper, none dare call it treason.
—Sir John Harrington

Bigotry is the sacred disease. — Heraclitus

A Brief Take on Blake: Epigrams by William Blake

Those who restrain desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained.

The Errors of a Wise Man make your Rule
Rather than the Perfections of a Fool.
—William Blake

Type Cast

a politician is an arse upon
which everyone has sat except a man
—e. e. cummings

This Humanist whom no beliefs constrained
Grew so broad-minded he was scatter-brained.
—J. V. Cunningham

A Word to the Wise, by the Wordwise

It is Homer who has chiefly taught other poets the art of telling lies skillfully. — Aristotle
Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them. — Adlai Stevenson

Sagely Aging

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. — Unknown
Adults are just obsolete children. — Dr. Seuss
Inside every older lady is a younger lady . . . wondering what the hell happened. — Cora Armstrong

A Smidgen of Religion

Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case. — Unknown
Forbidden fruit creates many jams. — Unknown
Some people attend church three times in their lives: when they're hatched, when they're matched, and when they're dispatched. — Unknown

Sex Ed: Women and We Men (Wee Men?)

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. — Rhonda Hansome
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. — Maryon Pearson
Cars are like men. It's much better to have a couple on standby in case one breaks down. — Tallulah Bankhead
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. — Carrie Snow
If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. — Margaret Thatcher
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. — Elayne Boosler
I'm not offended by dumb blonde jokes because I'm not dumb, and I'm also not blonde. — Dolly Parton
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. — Charlotte Whitton

Funny Money

It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.―Aeschylus
Money is the wise man's religion. — Euripides
When it is a question of money, everybody is of the same religion. — Voltaire
I found out that I was a Christian for revenue only and I could not bear the thought of that, it was so ignoble. — Mark Twain
If an all-powerful God has the cattle on a thousand hills, why does he need my tithes? — Mike Burch

Where there's a Will there's a Way: the Epigrams of Will Rogers

She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat bin.
An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's.
Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.
A fool and his money are soon elected.
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
The U.S. Senate opens with a prayer and closes with an investigation.
Congress in session is like when the baby gets hold of a hammer.
America is becoming so educated that ignorance will soon be a novelty.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him "father."
It isn't what we don't know that gives us trouble, it's what we know that ain't so.
Liberty doesn't work as well in practice as it does in speeches.
Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators.
People are getting smarter nowadays; they're letting lawyers, not their conscience, be their guide.
People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.
The only way you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing.
The United States never lost a war or won a conference.
There is no more independence in politics than there is in jail.
There is nothing so stupid as the educated man if you get him off his subject.
There ought to be one day, just one, when there is open season on senators.
Things in our country run in spite of government, not by aid of it.
We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.
What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.
If there's one thing we do worse than any other nation, it's managing somebody else's affairs.
The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.
Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.
Some men learn by reading. A few learn by observation. The rest have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Woody Allen

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think he's evil. The worst you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

Jonathan Swift

A tavern is a place where madness is sold by the bottle.
As blushing may make a whore seem virtuous, so modesty may make a fool seem sensible.
I never wonder to see men wicked, but I often wonder to see them not ashamed.
Men are happy to be laughed at for their humor, but not for their folly.
Politics, as the word is commonly understood, are nothing but corruptions.
We have enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another.
When a true genius appears, you can know him by this sign: that all the dunces are in a confederacy against him.
I never saw, heard, nor read, that the clergy were beloved in any nation where Christianity was the religion of the country. Nothing can render them popular, but some degree of persecution.

Marcus Valerius Martial

There is no glory in outstripping donkeys.
Lawyers are men who hire out their words and anger.
You give me nothing during your life, but you promise to provide for me at your death. If you are not a fool, you know what I wish for!

Douglas Adams

Anyone capable of getting made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

John Adams

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.

Nota Bene: the Notable Epigrams of Ben Franklin

A man between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do.
Experience keeps a dear school, but fools will learn in no other.
Fish and visitors smell after three days.

Character Ass-ass-ination

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.―Oliver Herford
Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible.―Margaret Mead
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.―Abraham Lincoln
He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.―Robert Redford
He is brilliant ... to the top of his boots.―David Lloyd George
He knows so little and knows it so fluently.―Ellen Glasgow
He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.―Forrest Tucker
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.―Groucho Marx
He never said a foolish thing nor never did a wise one.―Earl of Rochester
He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.―John Ruskin
He used statistics the way a drunkard uses lampposts:  for support, not illumination.―Andrew Lang
He was born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright.―Samuel Butler
He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea and that was wrong.―Benjamin Disraeli
His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere.―Mark Twain
His mind is so open that the wind whistles through it.―Heywood Braun
I want to reach your mind ... where is it currently located?―Ashleigh Brilliant
Little things affect little minds.―Benjamin Disraeli
She is a water bug on the surface of life.―Gloria Steinem
What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.―Fred Allen
When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?―David Letterman
While he was not dumber than an ox he was not any smarter either.―James Thurber
You look into his eyes, and you get the feeling someone else is driving.―David Letterman

Occupational Hazards

A great many people now reading and writing would be better employed keeping rabbits.―Edith Sitwell
Abstract art? A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered.―Al Capp
An editor should have a pimp for a brother so he'd have someone to look up to.―Gene Fowler
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.―Mark Twain
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.―Fred Allen
I know of nothing more despicable and pathetic than a man who devotes all of the hours of the waking day to the making of money for money's sake.―John D. Rockefeller
Modesty is the artifice of actors, similar to passion in call girls.―Jackie Gleason
Nature not content with denying him the ability to think, has endowed him with the ability to write.―A. E. Housman
Reader, suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.―Mark Twain
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book: I'll waste no time reading it.―Moses Hadas
This is not a book that should be tossed lightly aside. It should be hurled with great force.―Dorothy Parker

Personality, or Lack of It

Failure has gone to his head.―Wilson Mizner
He could never see a belt without hitting below it.―Margot Asquith
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.―Winston Churchill
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.―Oscar Wilde
He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul.―David Lloyd George
He is an old bore. Even the grave yawns for him.―Herbert Beerbohm Tree
He is as good as his word, and his word is no good.―Seamus MacManus
He is mad, bad and dangerous to know.―Lady Caroline Lamb
He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.―Samuel Johnson
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.―H. H. Munro
He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.―Harold Wilson/Paul Keating
He is so mean, he won't let his little baby have more than one measle at a time.―Eugene Field
He made enemies as naturally as soap makes suds.―Percival Wilde
He makes a July's day short as December.―William Shakespeare
He must have killed a lot of men to have made so much money.―Moliere
He never bore a grudge against anyone he wronged.―Simone Signoret
He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.―Mark Twain
He was about as useful in a crisis as a sheep.―Dorothy Eden
He was as great as a man can be without morality.―Alexis de Tocqueville
He was happily married, but his wife wasn't.―Victor Borge
He was one of the nicest old ladies I ever met.―William Faulkner
He was one of those men who possess almost every gift, except the gift of the power to use them.―Charles Kingsley
He was so crooked, you could have used his spine for a safety-pin.―Dorothy L. Sayers
He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.―Molly Ivins
He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes.―Fred Allen
He was trying to save both his faces.―John Gunther
He would stab his best friend for the sake of writing an epigram on his tombstone.―Oscar Wilde
He's so snobbish he has an unlisted zip-code.―Earl Wilson
He's the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup.―Wilson Mizner
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.―Margot Asquith
I will always love the false image I had of you.―Ashleigh Brilliant
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.―Woody Allen
No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have; and I think he's a dirty little beast.―W. S. Gilbert
Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.―Oscar Wilde
Ordinarily he is insane. But he has lucid moments when he is only stupid.―Heinrich Heine
She could carry off anything; and some people said that she did.―Ada Leverson
She is such a good friend that she would throw all her acquaintances into the water for the pleasure of fishing them out again.―Charles Talleyrand
She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake.―Margot Asquith
She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.―Jean Webster
She never was really charming till she died.―Terence
She not only expects the worst, but makes the worst of it when it happens.―Michael Arlen
She plunged into a sea of platitudes, and with the powerful breast stroke of a channel swimmer, made her confident way towards the white cliffs of the obvious.―W. Somerset Maugham
She proceeds to dip her little fountain-pen filler into pots of oily venom and to squirt the mixture at all her friends.―Harold Nicholson
She should get a divorce and settle down.―Jack Paar
She was kind of girl who'd eat all your cashews and leave you with nothing but peanuts and filberts.―Raymond Chandler
She was like a sinking ship firing on the rescuers.―Alexander Woollcott
She's been on more laps than a napkin.―Walter Winchell
She's got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang together.―John Cantu
She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.―Joan Rivers
She's the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success, wrong by wrong.―Mae West
So boring you fall asleep halfway through her name.―Alan Bennett
Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.―Tobias George Smolett
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.―Joseph Heller
The greatest thing since they reinvented unsliced bread.―William Keegan
The perfection of rottenness.―William James
The triumph of sugar over diabetes.―George Jean Nathan
Where others have hearts, he carries a tumor of rotten principles.―Jack London
You had to stand in line to hate him.―Hedda Hopper
You have a good and kind soul. It just doesn't match the rest of you.―Norm Papernick
You take the lies out of him, and he'll shrink to the size of your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he'll disappear.―Mark Twain
You're a mouse studying to be a rat.―Wilson Mizner
You were born with your legs apart. They'll send you to the grave in a Y-shaped coffin.―Joe Orton
Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time.―Frederic Raphael

You are so pure in mind and heart,
In aspect, too, so mild,
I wonder that you ever could
Implant your wife with child.
―Martial

Miscellanea

A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults.―Louis Nizer
A steaming pile of clichés and screaming unlikelihoods.―Jessica Winters
As entertaining as watching a potato bake.―Marc Savlov
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.―Groucho Marx
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.―Oscar Levant
Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others.―Winston Churchill
Fine words! I wonder where you stole them.―Jonathan Swift
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.―Groucho Marx
Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other.―Neil Simon
He hasn't an enemy in the world, but all his friends hate him.―Eddie Cantor
He looked as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.―Raymond Chandler
He's completely unspoiled by failure.―Noel Coward
He's liked, but he's not well liked.―Arthur Miller
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.―Mae West
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home. ―Groucho Marx
I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.―Stephen Bishop
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.―Clarence Darrow
I never liked him and I always will.―Dave Clark
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.―Fred Allen
I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion.―Robert Louis Stevenson
I thought men like that shot themselves.―King George V
I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.―Irving Brecher
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.―Groucho Marx
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.―Irvin S. Cobb
If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?―Charles Pierce
In her single person she managed to produce the effect of a majority.―Ellen Glascow
I've had them both, and I don't think much of either.―Beatrix Lehmann (watching a Hollywood wedding)
Pushing forty? She's hanging on for dear life.―Ivy Compton-Burnett
She's good, being gone.―William Shakespeare
Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.―William Dean Howells
The best part of you ran down your mother's legs.―Jackie Gleason
The gods too are fond of a joke.―Aristotle
The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind.―Joseph Stilwell
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.―Jack E. Leonard
We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.―Ashleigh Brilliant
Well, I think we ought to let him hang there. Let him twist slowly, slowly in the wind.―John Ehrlichman
What you said hurt me very much. I cried all the way to the bank.―Liberace
Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?―Milton Berle
Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?―Groucho Marx
You have delighted us long enough.―Jane Austen
You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.―Jim Samuels
You're a parasite for sore eyes.―Gregory Ratoff
The man who can't make mistakes, can't make anything. — Abraham Lincoln
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. — Abraham Lincoln
He knows nothing but thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. — George Bernard Shaw
The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech. — George Bernard Shaw
Little things affect little minds. — Benjamin Disraeli
A sophisticated rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his own verbosity. — Benjamin Disraeli
There is none so blind as they that won't see. — Jonathan Swift
In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily. — Charles, Count Talleyrand
She is such a good friend that she would throw all her acquaintances into the water for the pleasure of fishing them out again. — Charles, Count Talleyrand
I see her as one great stampede of lips directed at the nearest derriere. — Noël Coward
She had much in common with Hitler, only no mustache. — Noel Coward
He's completely unspoiled by failure. — Noel Coward
She resembles the Venus de Milo: very old, no teeth, with white spots on her yellow skin. — Heinrich Heine
Ordinarily he is insane. But he has lucid moments when he is only stupid. — Heinrich Heine
The tautness of his face sours ripe grapes. —William Shakespeare
Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one. — W. C. Fields
He is brilliant — to the top of his boots. — David Lloyd George
A brain of feathers, and a heart of lead. — Alexander Pope
A wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits. — Alexander Pope
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. — Ashleigh Brilliant
I will always love the false image I had of you. — Ashleigh Brilliant
I want to reach your mind — where is it currently located? — Ashleigh Brilliant
She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake. — Margot Asquith
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head. — Margot Asquith
He could never see a belt without hitting below it. — Margot Asquith
She spends her day powdering her face till she looks like a bled pig. — Margot Asquith
Fine words! I wonder where you stole them. — Jonathan Swift
She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitchfork. — Jonathan Swift
He looked as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food. — Raymond Chandler
She was the kind of girl who'd eat all your cashews and leave you with nothing but peanuts and filberts. —Raymond Chandler
Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other. — Neil Simon
He has Van Gogh's ear for music. — Billy Wilder
He has the attention span of a lightning bolt. — Robert Redford
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. — Clarence Darrow
There goes the famous good time that was had by all. — Bette Davis
He had delusions of adequacy. — Walter Kerr
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it. — Moses Hadas
I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here. — Stephen Bishop
He is a self-made man and worships his creator. — John Bright
What you said hurt me very much. I cried all the way to the bank. — Liberace
He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. — Paul Keating
He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. — Forrest Tucker
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. — Jack E. Leonard
Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings? — Milton Berle
You're a parasite for sore eyes. — Gregory Ratoff
The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind. — Joseph Stilwell
They don't make'm like him any more, but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway. — Hunter S. Thompson
If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies? — Charles Pierce
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. — Fred Allen
I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion. — Robert Louis Stevenson
I thought men like that shot themselves. — King George V
You had to stand in line to hate him. — Hedda Hopper
You have a good and kind soul. It just doesn't match the rest of you. — Norm Papernick
You're a mouse studying to be a rat. — Wilson Mizner
You were born with your legs apart. They'll send you to the grave in a Y-shaped coffin. — Joe Orton
Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time. — Frederic Raphael
The perfection of rottenness. — William James
Where others have hearts, he carries a tumor of rotten principles. — Jack London
Some folks are wise and some are otherwise. — Tobias George Smolett
"Some men are born mediocre, some achieve mediocrity, and some have mediocrity thrust upon them. — Joseph Heller
She was like a sinking ship firing on the rescuers. — Alexander Woollcott
She's been on more laps than a napkin. — Walter Winchell
She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by the same class of people." — Robertson Davies
He was trying to save both his faces. — John Gunther
God was bored by him. — Victor Hugo
He is a man of splendid abilities but utterly corrupt. He shines and stinks like rotten mackerel by moonlight. — John Randolph
He is the same old sausage, fizzing and sputtering in his own grease. — Henry James
He made enemies as naturally as soap makes suds. — Percival Wilde
He was a bit like a corkscrew. Twisted, cold and sharp. — Kate Cruise O'Brien
He was happily married — but his wife wasn't. — Victor Borge
It's like cuddling with a Butterball turkey. — Jeff Foxworthy
She was a large woman who seemed not so much dressed as upholstered. — James Matthew Barrie
She was what we used to call a suicide blonde — dyed by her own hand. — Saul Bellow
The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is. — Helen Rowland
Women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking. — Rupert Hughes
Outside every thin girl is a fat man, trying to get in. — Katharine Whitehorn
He knows so little and knows it so fluently. — Ellen Glasgow
He never chooses an opinion; he just wears whatever happens to be in style. — Leo Tolstoy
He never said a foolish thing nor never did a wise one. — Earl of Rochester
He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. — John Ruskin
His ignorance is encyclopedic. — Abba Eban
His mind is so open that the wind whistles through it. — Heywood Braun
She is a water bug on the surface of life. — Gloria Steinem
Abstract art? A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. — Al Capp
Modesty is the artifice of actors, similar to passion in call girls. — Jackie Gleason
Nature not content with denying him the ability to think, has endowed him with the ability to write. — A. E. Housman
You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner. — Aristophanes

Moore Succinct: the Epigrams of Richard Moore

Nowadays we make quick work of our courtships; it's our divorces that we spend a lot of time on.

When I read Homer, I sometimes have the feeling that we have been starving to death for 3,000 years.

The social animal—at least, in the human case—is necessarily an imitative animal; for it would seem to be our capacity to imitate others and to let their thoughts and personalities invade ours that makes coherent society possible.

We descendants of Christianity, we creations of that book, The Bible, can't endure Lucretius' lush relish and appreciation of the sensuous life here on earth. Everything in our abstract, celluloid-charmed, computer-driven, and, above all, money-maddened lifestyle separates us from that life on earth.

Government and the arts, alas, they just don't mix.
Your bed of roses, bureaucrat, is full of pricks.

It's amazing what modern arts audiences nowadays will put up with. What a little pretentiousness won't do! The Parisians in its first audience threw rotten vegetables at Stravinsky's Rites of Spring. Now in Ann Arbor, Michigan, everybody politely sits, pretending to enjoy it." [This reminds us of one the very best, and most hilarious, books on modern art and literature: Tom Wolfe's The Painted Word.]

Years ago, when I taught a class in poetry writing in Brandeis University, the students had never heard of me, but they all knew about John Ashbery and knew how great he was, though none of them could explain why.

Related pages: Famous Comebacks, Famous Epigrammatists, Famous Epigraphs and Literary Borrowings, Famous Beauties, Famous Courtesans, Famous Ingénues, Famous Hustlers, Famous Pool Sharks, Famous Rogues, Famous Heretics, Famous Hypocrites, Famous Forgers, Famous Frauds, Famous Flops, Famous Morons, The Dumbest Things Ever Said, The Best Conservative Jokes, The Best Religious Jokes, Famous Last Words, Famous Insults, Famous Falsettos, Famous Americans, Dick Cheney's Tortured Denial, The Best NFL Players by Position, The Best Donald Trump Jokes, 2016 Republican First Presidential Debate: Winners, Losers and Impressions, Famous Lies and Liars

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